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“Katie, what are you doing here?”
Matt’s voice echoed off of the metal walls of his cell, and my eyes got wide when I heard his voice for the first time in what felt like years. It was too long for someone to be missing their older brother, or any member of their family, as far as I was concerned.
I stepped away from the control panel that I had just hacked, looking into the mostly metal cell where my brother was being kept. The light in the cell came from purple LEDs that looked like veins for blood in the human body that ran the in all the walls, giving the whole place a feeling like I was invading a living organism and not a prison cell.
Everything was stained with a purple glow, and I wondered how Matt was able to tell it was me right away. My hair hadn’t grown back yet, and I wasn’t wearing a very feminine suit of armor. Then again, nearly every one of the paladins - except for Lance - had been able to tell I was a girl, so maybe my true gender just leaked through my disguise.
I took a tentative step forwards, hoping against hope that Matt was really in this cell. I knew that it could just be my imagination, or it could even be a shapeshifter who had stolen Matt’s appearance. I took a defensive stance, tension in my body as I took a deep breath to steady myself, suddenly afraid to be alone and face Matt - or not Matt - alone.
The other paladins and I were just carrying out a simple jailbreak for some aliens that Zarkon had taken as he marched across the universe, annexing planets to his empire by force. Team Voltron was trying to help people, but we’d been having some troubles lately, so when Allura proposed a jailbreak, we all agreed right away because we wanted to free some more people, and I knew that the prison we were going to might have Matt in it.
“Matt?” I questioned once the barrier fell and I walked into the cell. Matt looked like himself: glasses, messy dirty blonde hair that was cut short and just a bit taller than I was. The only thing that looked off was the prison uniform and the dirt on his face. “Is that really you?”
“Katie, of course it’s me!” Matt called back, running over to me. His arms wrapped around me, and I realized how much I really needed one of his hugs after not seeing my brother for such a long time. “I’m so happy to see you again!”
“Me too, Matt.” I whispered, feeling my heart soar. My brother was back, all that was left was to find my father. Then we would defeat Zarkon together and everything would go back to normal. “Where’s dad?”
I felt Matt stiffen in my arms. His muscles tensed at the mention of our father, and my mind began to fill in the peices as to what that could mean. I sucked in a tense breath from the air around me, and my armor felt like it was suffocating me. My body became cold, expecting the worst but still fearing it.
“He’s dead, Katie.” Matt’s voice cracked as he spoke, and I felt my knees buckle at Matt’s news.
I let out a strangled cry and fell to the floor of Matt’s cell. I knew that my mic was on, I knew that the other paladins could hear me, and I knew that they’d think that I was being attacked by some kind of foe. In some ways, I was being attacked, just emotionally and mentally not physically.
“Why? Who did it?” I choked out, knowing that I had to know how it was done. I would find whoever did it and. . .
And what? My brain asked. You’ll never kill someone, even if they hurt your family, Katie.
“I don’t know.” Matt admitted, falling to the floor with me. Tears stung my eyes, and I could feel Matt’s body contract into sobs next to me. “They just took him away from me, Katie. They brought back his head.”
I looked into Matt’s eyes, and I saw the terror and pain that was reflected back at me. I sobbed and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. I could hear Shiro and Lance’s voices through my mic, but I didn’t respond to their pleas to tell them what was going on.
“It’s okay, Matt.” I cooed, trying to take on the role of an older sibling. The role that I didn’t think I was built to take on. I was having second thoughts about this whole mission, this whole being a part of Team Voltron thing, too. “Everything is going to be okay now, you’re safe now. You’re going to be welcomed back home, and we’re going to stop Zarkon.”
I pulled out of the embrace, and I looked Matt in the eyes. I tried to smile and show him that I had some faith in the words I had just said. My eyes were misty, and my lungs were having trouble finding oxygen in the air, making me feel like I was drowning. Matt’s face changed quickly, and I hugged him close again, promising myself to never let him go again.
“Katie, there is only one more problem with that plan.” Matt whispered, and I hugged him closer. I whimpered, and words failed me for a second. I didn’t want to think of any problems, not after getting my brother back and losing my father all at once.
Once I had my ability to think and talk back I whispered, “What is it, Matt?”
My fingers gripping into the cloth of Matt’s clothes, and I could feel Matt’s pulse speed up as he thought about our father and other distressing things. I pulled him closer to me, for both of our sakes.
Ever since we were little, Matt had been my security blanket when I was scared. Our bond was something that our parents would sometimes joke about that we were twins at heart. We were only a few years apart, but we were closer than most siblings who were closer together in age. We understood each other on levels that most adults didn’t usually reach, we were all we had in life on some accounts, now more than ever.
“I’m going to be killed next.” Matt said, and pulled away from him to look at his face. The same fear was there, only worse than before. He looked down at me, and I could feel his pain and suffering in my heart.
My lungs stopped working, and the room spun a little. I couldn’t tell if the oxygen had really been shut off in the cell, or if I was just having trouble processing everything that was happening. Both options were equally likely, I knew what Zarkon and his cronies were willing to do to win a battle, and suffocate a member of Team Voltron was one of those things.
“No, you’re not going to die.” I tried to comfort my brother, but it was to no avail. He wouldn’t look down at me, and he wouldn’t acknowledge my presence anymore.
“Time to say goodbye, Katie.” Matt said, finally looking down at me.
“No!” I screamed, holding tight to Matt’s shoulders until my knuckles turned white in strain.
“He is right.” I heard a voice behind me say. I knew that voice. . . But it wasn’t possible. . .
“Zarkon.” I spat, venom coating my words. I turned around, seeing Zarkon in all his glory standing behind me. My fingers dug into Matt’s clothing in my fear, trying to find some comfort in something that was real.
Zarkon had a long, bellowing cape that was draped over his shoulders and flowed out behind him. It sat still, not being pushed and pulled by any wind or air flow. His yellow eyes screamed murder, and his purple skin seemed to almost glow in the dim purple light of Matt’s cell.
“Paladin of the green lion, why have you come here?” Zarkon taunted, and I could feel Matt lean into me. He was trying to find any kind of safety and peace of mind by next to me. I forgot how much I loved him until I hadn’t seen him in months.
“To save the people you’ve imprisoned!” I shouted, facing Zarkon. Tears streamed down my face, and I could feel my heart breaking over the loss of my father, but I had to told it together. For Matt. “To save my family!”
“You give meaning to meaningless people, you give meaning to meaningless concepts. You humans, you make me laugh. Your stupidity is amazing, really.” Zarkon cackled, and he lifted his right arm from the cloth of his cloak, revealing a gun. I held my breath, dread and terror shutting down my brain. “How foolish of you.”
Everything after that moment moved in slow motion.
Matt pulled away from me, pushing me onto the ground as he ran away from me. As my head hit the metal floor, I could hear the reverberations of the metal on my skull in my whole being. I heard a scream tear from my throat, though I didn’t know I was screaming until heard the cry.
Matt threw himself onto Zarkon, and Zarkon’s gun was thrown across the room. I could see the fear and courage in Matt’s eyes as he tackled Zarkon, and I could only think about how I had only gotten my family back. Only to have it taken away from me by forces that seemed to want to conspire against all of my happiness.
I wish I knew where Zarkon hid his knife. Maybe then I could have prevented it, but I only saw it once it was too late, only after the rubies were dripping from its metal surface.
Zarkon reached back into his cloak, and I flash of silver caught my eye. His hand was fast, and Matt was too slow to dodge Zarkon’s blade. Lifting his arm slightly, Zarkon stuck the knife into Matt’s body at an angle, making it tougher to stop the bleeding once I got someone to tend to the wound.
Matt didn’t scream, he just looked down at the knife sticking out his chest as though it was something to behold. The blood that was welling up around it was almost tinted purple under the harsh light, and it looked wrong to my eyes.
“Matt!” I screamed, terror and adrenaline flowing through my veins instead of blood. Tears, hot and fast, fell from my eyes. “No! I can’t lose you too!”
Zarkon laughed and I pulled out my bayard and shot him, my bullets threw him into the void and he disappeared without any fanfare. Quite a sad way for a space conqueror to go, he didn’t die like how I thought he would with a large battle and many deaths. I ran over to Matt, pulling his torso onto my lap.
I pushed his bangs out of his eyes, trying to get one last look at his brown eyes. I pressed down on the wound, blood soaking my hands. Matt looked up at me, smiling grimly. The pool of blood around him began to grow steadily even as I put pressure on his wound. I felt helpless and useless, like I couldn’t do anything to help myself and to help Matt.
“I always got myself in trouble, didn’t I, Kaite?” Matt joked, and then coughed. Blood spilled from his lips, and he spat in into a small puddle next to his head. “It’s just like me to end in this way, isn’t it?”
“No!” I shrieked, panic thick in my voice. “You can’t die! I can’t lose you too! I just got you back!”
“Katie, please stop.” Matt moaned, and I realized that I was pressing too hard on his wound. I let up the pressure, and I saw a fraction of the pain leave his face. “Promise me something, Katie.”
“That is something a dying person says!” I screamed. Tears and shrieks and wails failed to show all of my angst and grief. I could hear the other paladins yelling at me through my mic, but I ignored their pleas for me to talk to them again. “You aren’t going to die here! You can’t die here!”
“Promise me you’ll do something great, Katie.” Matt said, his brown eyes pierced into mine. The fear was all gone, only determination was left in Matt’s eyes. “Promise me you’ll be happy, find a new family, forget about me. You’re going to go far, just like Dad said. Promise me. Please.”
“I promise.” I whispered, pressing my forehead to Matt’s. I clenched my eyes closed, willing myself to try to stay calm in the midst of every part of my body screaming to freak out and run Matt back to the other paladins. Maybe they could help?
“Goodbye, Katie.” Matt coughed, and I held my cry. I pressed my hand over my brother’s heart, and I felt it stop beating.
“Matt?” I looked down at my brother, seeing the pool of blood that we were both sitting in was growing slower than before. “Matt, wake up!”
Another cry tore from my body, but my scream for help was in vain. I threw my helmet off of my body with shaking hands, and I could feel anger and pain grow in equal parts in my heart and mind. My hands were shaking and I felt tremors of pain and shakes rake through my body, making me feel like I was drowning in very cold arctic water.
I looked down at Matt one more time, closing his eyes with shaking fingers. I didn’t want him to sleep with his eyes open, lest he saw what I was going to do next. I didn’t want to let him down one last time by not following through on the final thing I promised him.
“I’m so sorry, Matt.” I whispered, pulling the knife from my brother’s chest. “But I can’t go on anymore. Mom thinks I’m dead, and now you and Dad are dead. . . I just can’t keep on living without having any family left.”
The knife was only about a foot long, and the blade was once a perfect silver, but it was now tainted with blood. Matt’s blood was still dripping off of it as I lifted it from his chest, and I ran my left pointer finger over the blade.
“I’m so sorry.” I pressed the blade’s tip to my chest. My voice reached volumes so quiet I didn’t know if it was in my head or if I had spoken out loud. I could imagine the other paladins finding my body, feeling guilt punch through my heart at the thought of it.
There’d be tears, but then there’d be a drive to kill Zarkon even more than before. Maybe my death would have some good parts after all. I just hoped that they wouldn’t know it was suicide. I pressed the tip of the knife to my chest harder than before, and I could feel a little pressure through my armor. I sighed, closing my eyes and pressing the knife deeper into my flesh.
The adrenaline from what had just happened helped with the pain. I couldn't remember which of the other paladins had joked about it, but someone had said that adrenaline was the best painkiller, probably Keith. I wasn’t going to argue, the pain wasn’t so bad as the blood welled around the knife in my chest.
“Damn.” I cursed, the pain was almost too much to bear. Now I knew what Matt had had to go through, and I wished that Zarkon had never even existed. I would get him back when I saw him in the afterlife. I’d make him wish he had never been born.
I clenched my fists and pushed the bloodstained metal through my body, gasping at the pain. I fell from my knees onto my back, laying down on the floor. I fell into the pool of Matt’s blood that had stopped growing, but wasn’t cold yet.
I could feel my body relax, and then I felt nothing.
“No!”
My cry was the only sound in my room, and I shot up out of my bed in my haste to wake up. I sniffled and hugged my arms to my body, shaking with fear. My breathing was uneven, and my heartbeat was fast.
In a reflex that reminded me of something a child would do when they woke up from a bad dream, I looked down at my chest to see if there was a knife sticking out of it. I brushed my hand along my chest, trying to feel for any wounds that might have somehow soaked into the real world through my dream.
“Matt. . .” I wailed, running a hand through my hair. I felt a tear run down my face, and I felt the loneliness take my consciousness again. I remembered how it felt back when he and Dad first went missing, it was like getting that news all over again.
I thought about the pool of blood around Matt’s body, the way that his eyes glassed over in his last moments. I tried to push these thoughts from my head, but it was no use. It seems like my sorrows could swim good enough to survive being drown by almost anything.
I heard footsteps outside of my room, but I didn’t worry about them. I curled up into a ball, throwing my head back down onto my pillow. My whole body shook with sobs as I tried to push my dream out of my mind, with as much luck as before.
“Pidge?” A soft voice called from outside my room. The rooms in the castle are almost completely soundproof, but the same can’t be said for the doors. If one wants to, one can speak loud enough so that one’s voice can be heard through them. However, it distorts one’s voice to the point of becoming just a droning voice, and it cannot be discerned from anyone else’s voice.
I fell silent for a second and my whole body went rigid. In the weeks that the other paladins and I had been living on the castle, no one had noticed my nightmares. Until now. Panic flooded me, and I worried what everyone else would think when they found out about my nightmares.
“Go away.” I replied, my voice cracking on every syllable that I spoke. “I just had a little bad dream, I’ll be fine.”
“No, you won’t be fine.” The voice argued, and I strained my ears to figure out who was speaking. The voice didn’t sound like any of the paladins from behind the door. The very idea of Coran finding me like this made me fear. Would he tell the princess? “I’ve listened to you wake up screaming for the last few weeks. Pidge, please let me help.”
I sucked in a breath, unsure of what I should do. Help would be nice, but at what cost? Would I have to talk about my feelings? My fears? My reservations of still being a paladin when I knew that my family was out there, waiting for me to find them?
I wearily got up from my bed, pulling myself to my feet. My mind was screaming against my actions, and my heart was telling me to do it. Logic and emotions fighting was the reason that I got myself into trouble, and I knew that somewhere in my mind.
But I didn’t stop walking to the door.
The door to my room opened as soon as I got close to it. I had examined the tech that made that possible, and it was pretty easy to understand motion sensor. Nothing fancy, which was a bit of a let down I will admit. I was expecting some awesome alien tech, not something basic that most homes had on Earth.
Behind the door stood Shiro, dressed in clothes he wore when we weren’t in our armor. His eyes were brimming with worry as he looked down at me, and I looked up at him with tears still running down my cheeks.
I threw myself at Shiro, tackling him into a hug. My small size meant that I only came up to Shiro’s chest, and that Shiro didn’t have to take a few steps back when I ran into him. Shiro was the tallest of the paladins, and I was the smallest. Shiro hesitated for a second to move as I buried my face into the cloth of his shirt, but he wrapped his arms around my body after a second of hesitation.
“Pidge, are you okay?” Shiro asked in a small voice, speaking in a gentle tone. He already knew the answer, that I wasn’t okay, but he felt inclined to ask, I knew. “Please talk to me. If something is wrong, let me know.”
“I want you to help me with something, please.” I requested, hoping against hope that Shiro would say yes to my demands. I hoped that what I was about to ask wouldn’t make Shiro angry or stir up any negative emotions for him.
“Whatever it is, I’ll help.” Shiro whispered, his voice was soft and kind. “But you can’t keep on like this. You’re falling asleep when you’re at your computers. I know how bad these nightmares can be, but you can’t let them beat you.”
“Can we talk about Matt?” I begged, my voice muffled by Shiro’s chest. It felt nice to be so close to another human being after distancing myself so much from the other paladins. “Please, I need something to make me feel better.”
Shiro’s body stiffened, but not by much. As a former soldier, Shiro was used to standing at attention, and I couldn’t think of a time that I had seen him completely and totally at ease. He was always on edge, always worrying about an attack on the castle from Zarkon or some other big enemy that might strike at any time.
“Yes, we can speak about Matt.” Shiro said after a while, and I pulled myself away from my leader. Shiro gently took hold of my arm, reminding of my dad. He lead over to my bed, where he sat down and I followed his lead. Shiro looked at me, telling me to speak whenever I wanted to.
I looked down at my hands for a few minutes, flexing my fingers as I thought. Shiro fixed his gaze straight ahead, trying to take the pressure of me to speak. I sighed, trying to steady my mind and body, like what I was supposed to do when I was in control of the green lion.
“I keep having nightmares about Matt and my dad.” I admitted, and the words seemed to hang in the air for a second. “Every time I come too late to save them. Tonight was different, though.”
“Different how?” Shiro asked after a pause, looking me in the eye levelly. His gaze seemed to just scream that he wanted to help and that he wouldn’t judge me no matter what I said. He was like my dad away from my dad.
I turned away, remembering the feeling of the knife in my hands.
“This time I committed suicide.” I said, closing my eyes and bracing myself against the words. “I promise I would never really do that, but this time I did. . . I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I let everyone down, Shiro. I just couldn’t live with the idea that my dad and Matt were really dead.”
“Pidge, was this person in your dream you?” Shiro asked, his voice sounding distant. I turned back to him, confusion plainly etched out on my face. He turned to face me, his face completely emotionless and neutral.
“Yes and no.” I admitted, remembering how Shiro had been able to figure out that I was a girl before anyone else had, and how he seemed to take all the information he could and work with it to speculate on different things. “I mean, we had the same body. Matt recognized me, and I had the same weapon, my bayard.”
“If Matt ever died, would you do what she did?” Shiro asked, his voice was almost emotionless, but concern tainted it. Shiro’s eyes once again met mine, and I clenched my hands into fists.
“No, never.” I said, sure of my answer. “I’d never take my own life. I love Matt, but I understand that you’re my family now too. I’d never take my life from you, or anyone else on Team Voltron.”
Shock flickered across Shiro’s face at my words. I bit my lip, worrying that I had said something wrong. Did Shiro really think that I was going to do something so dark and bloody? Did Shiro not believe me? Did Shiro not want to be a part of my family?
“I guess we are a family, now that you mention it.” Shiro said, sounding astonished. He looked at me and smiled, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Now more than ever.”
“Thank you.” I whispered, folding and unfolding my hands. I leaned into Shiro, feeling better than before. “What if I have another nightmare? What do I do then?”
“Then come get me.” Shiro replied, his voice kind. “You don’t have to suffer through seeing things like that, Pidge. Please don’t ever think that you have to. I’m always here to talk to.”
“Thank you.” I said again, shooting up to wrap my arms around Shiro’s neck in a hug. Shiro didn’t hesitate to hug me back this time.
“We’ll find your brother and father, Pidge, I promise.” Shiro said, and I wanted and needed to believe him. “Nothing bad has happened, I promise. We will defeat Zarkon, take back the universe and then we can go back to Earth.”
“Are you going to tell the others about my nightmares?” I whispered, fear in my voice.
“Pidge, I understand how hard all this must be for you, especially at your age.” Shiro began, and I feared he would pull the parent card and say it is ‘in my best interests’ to tell the others. “But I also know that you have things you want to keep from others. I won’t tell anyone about this, I promise.”
“Thank you.” I repeated for the third time, meaning the words more than ever. “I’m so lucky to have you as a leader, Shiro. To have you as a friend is also very lucky.”
“I’m lucky to have you as a part of my team.” Shiro replied, his voice now serious. “Now, promise me that if you ever have another nightmare, you’ll come and get me, okay? No matter how tired I am, no matter what time it is. Promise me?”
I stiffened for a second, and I pulled my body away from Shiro, remembering my brother’s words from my nightmare. I sat down next to Shiro, looking down at my hands.
“I promise.” I said, making a promise that I would happily and readily not break.
“I’ll let you get some sleep.” Shiro smiled down at me, patting me on the shoulder before he got up and walked out of my room. He turned around to face me, a slight smile on his face as he leaned in the doorway. “Sweet dreams, paladin Pidge.”
“Same to you, Shiro.” I said, smiling and feeling much better than before. Shiro smiled at me one last time as he padded out of the room in his sock clad feet.
I listened to Shiro’s footsteps recede from my room as he walked over to his room. I hoped that Shiro would be able to fall asleep quickly. I wondered if my nightmares had kept him up before tonight, and if he had just come into my room tonight because he was fed up.
No. My brain told me, and I knew it was right. He wanted to give you time to work it out yourself. He came into tonight because he knew you needed some help. Shiro really cares about you, Katie. Stop worrying so much.
I smiled, knowing that the voice in my mind was right for once. For once the voice wasn’t rude or mean or condescending, it was the voice of reason and of truth. I curled back up under my blankets and drifted off into a soft, safe, dreamless sleep.
Just across the wall from me, Shiro was doing the same.