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There was only one certainty, one truth, one constant fact in Morgana’s life, and it was that Sakamoto Ryuji was going to be the absolute death of him.
At first he thought this little crush of his would stay just that, little. He wanted it to be small, manageable, something he could squash easily so he could get on with his life. However, for someone who meddles with the affairs of the heart on the daily, he really should have known that it wouldn’t be so easy. Of course the damn thing grew. His crush exploded far beyond the point of infatuation, far beyond puppy love (or kitty love in his case), far beyond just being smitten, and straight into flat out, painfully, unadulterated pining.
It was awful.
Every time Ryuji was around, his heart just floored it, racing far faster than he could ever go. Every time Ryuji laughed it was like a new star was born in the sky, lighting up Morgana’s life more and more each and every time. Ryuji’s smile was a lighthouse and Morgana was ship lost at sea, every time he saw it he knew he was saved, he knew he was home. Everytime he saw him, or was with him, Morgana felt like it was the first time he was truly seeing color. And Morgana hated it.
He didn’t want this. He couldn’t want this. It was hopeless. Who on earth would ever want him anyway? He was trapped in this horrid feline body, and even if he could find a way to become human again, there was no guarantee that Ryuji would even want him back. Why would he?
He wanted to, no, needed to stop this, but there’s no good way to fight your own heart. There was no good way for it to end without casualties. Push as he could, even after he tried to force Ryuji as far away from him as possible, his feelings would not budge. So there he was, trapped in an endless cycle of torment and self loathing, lashing out at the one person he actually loved.
Was this feeling love? It was hard to say. But Morgana wasn’t sure if he could physically handle feeling something stronger than what he felt for the stupid blond. And as if life as a weird amnesiac cat monster wasn’t hard enough, now he also had to deal with Ryuji showing up everyday, in Morgana’s own home, to work in Leblanc, bringing that stupidly mysterious journal with him.
Sure, Morgana technically saw him everyday while they were at school, but it still wasn’t this bad. At least his pounding heart could have a break during class. Thank god Ryuji wasn’t in the same class as Akira, or else he would have died a while ago. But now? Now he had no chance of a break, no chance of escape or reprieve from Ryuji’s overwhelming presence.
Granted, he could obviously just go upstairs to hide, wallow in his own crush induced misery, but Ryuji was honestly like the sun. It was like his radiant existence had its own gravitational force and Morgana couldn’t help but get sucked into his orbit. He just hoped he wouldn’t end up blind from staring for too long. He wanted to shield himself, cower away from Ryuji’s light, lather himself in SPF 100 to avoid getting burned. However, in spite of all his precautions, he still felt like Icarus, falling fast and hard because he flew too close. So instead of taking shelter in the room above them, he found himself stowed away in the shadows. Hiding high on shelf in the kitchen, watching Ryuji fumble his way around orders down below.
God, did he look good in an apron.
Ryuji was currently talking to someone outside of the kitchen. It probably was Akira giving him his orders, but it was hard to tell. Their voices were drowned out by the droning and rattling of kitchen appliances, and the murmur of the dining patrons. However, Morgana could still catch bits of Ryuji’s laughter and shouts which rose above the ruckus. They were so hard to miss, it was like Morgana’s ears were trained specifically for them. Watching him smile that million watts grin at whoever he was talking to was like a blinding blow to the face. It took everything Morgana had to fight off a love stricken sigh. He hated himself for being so far gone.
Ryuji chuckled as he made his way back into the cramped little room. He had only been working there for a week or two but he already seemed at home. Morgana would bet that Ryuji was actually an incredible chef, picturing him waking his significant other up with some breakfast in bed. Morgana ached to be that imaginary partner, to be able to wake up to the human embodiment of the sun every morning. Being with him would be like the world knew no darkness. Only light. Only him.
Morgana really ought to stop spinning poetry in his head. But he was such a hopelessly hopeless romantic who was hopelessly in love with someone who could never love him back. Besides, his pride prevented him from ever revealing how huge of a sap he actually was. Any of the profound and convoluted words that flickered in his head like tangled Christmas lights died the minute they reached his whiskered lips. It brought a whole new meaning to having a cat catch your tongue.
As Ryuji flitted from pan to pan, stove top to stove top, working with a sort of clumsy grace that only this tactless thief could master, Morgana noticed the small black journal poking out of Ryuji’s apron pocket. That was definitely something that bothered Morgana to no end about the damn thing, Ryuji almost always kept it on his person. As someone whose profession was to take valued items from their owners, it would be impossible for Morgana not to figure out that Ryuji keeping the journal on him at all times was his way of preventing anyone from seeing it. It meant that it was worth protecting. It meant that he was hiding something.
This only made Morgana want to read it more. Just what could be in there? It was a question that had been haunting Morgana since the minute Ryuji first got it. He remembered the day he did too. It was always weird when Akira deviated from his routine so the times he did normally stuck with Morgana. This was no exception. He remembered questioning the boy as he made a quick detour from the station to stop at nearby shop, but when he saw that it was to pick up a notebook, he just assumed it was for class. However when Morgana saw Ryuji parading around with the thing the next day, clutching it to his chest like a wide-eyed school girl, Morgana stopped being so certain. It didn’t help that Ryuji turned redder than humanly possible when Morgana tried to prod him about it, making some quip about it being a diary or something. Everyone else seemed especially vague about its contents too. It was like they were all in on this huge conspiracy that surrounded this stupid notebook.
What could Ryuji be writing in it? Morgana just had to know.
“Hey, we'll be closing up soon,” Akira called suddenly, popping his head into the small room and startling Morgana out of his thoughts. He did what he could to bite his tongue to keep him from crying out, but that didn't stop him from bumping one of the pots he was hiding behind.
Wide grey eyes caught his, causing them to widen an impossible fraction more. Morgana ducked his head back, making sure to be completely out of Ryuji’s line of sight before the dumb blond could look up to see what Akira was staring at. God was Morgana going to catch hell from Akira later that night.
“Aight,” Ryuji called back, completely oblivious to what just took place. Thank god. “I'll just start cleanin’ up in here, then we can head up. Dude, just wait until you see the game I just got! I just hope it can run on your shitty dinosaur of a laptop.”
Akira’s stunned face quickly resumed its usual calm composure. “It's not that old. I'm sure it'll be fine.”
Ryuji just laughed and waved Akira out of the room so he could work. Morgana slowly crept his way out from his cramped hiding spot to resume his stalking. While he acknowledged that this was kind of creepy, Morgana couldn’t bring himself to stop.
The boy hummed some song Morgana vaguely recognized from the radio as he cleaned, swaying and shaking his hips to the music in his own head. Morgana's eyes were glued to the place where Ryuji’s already low riding pants slid down further to reveal a sliver of lightly tanned skin. He had to wrestle his vocal cords again to keep him from letting out another sigh.
He was hopeless.
Morgana was too entranced by the cheerfully cleaning boy to even notice that Akira had returned to the kitchen and was now watching him. By the time Morgana actually realized he was there, it was way too late to act like he wasn't staring. Akira flashed him a smirk that was too knowing for comfort.
Morgana wanted to die.
“Oh hey, done closing up?” Ryuji asked, finally taking notice of the other boy leaning in the doorway.
Akira tore his gaze from the currently petrified cat. “Hm? Oh, yeah.”
Morgana was panicking, like how could he not? Akire just saw him! He must know now, right? Oh God, Akira probably did know! He knew about his crush. Morgana had been reckless, careless. It would only take a couple words then Ryuji would know too, know all about Morgana’s shameful crush. Would Ryuji be horrified? Would Morgana lose him forever? Would Morgana be thrown out on the streets because of his affections? Ryuji was Akira’s best friend, so he wouldn’t doubt it. Who would want to keep around your best friend’s stalker? He was a weirdo, a creep. Ryuji would hate him. Oh god.
As Akira opened his mouth to speak again, Morgana’s stomach fell through the floor. This was the end. Morgana’s life was over.
“You almost done?”
Morgana probably got whiplash from the sudden overwhelming relief that washed over him. He was dizzy with the reassurance that he hadn’t scared off Ryuji. Well, not yet anyway. There was no guarantee that Akira wouldn't still tell him about this. God, what would Ryuji think or do if he knew that Morgana had been spying on him? He would lose him for sure.
“Yeah sure, gimme a sec,” Ryuji chirped as he slipped out of his apron, completely oblivious to the hell Morgana was currently going through. “Oh dude, I can’t effin’ wait to kick your ass in this game though, just you watch!”
“I mean of course you will. I've never played it before.”
“Oi! Don't talk down on my victory!”
“Well, you haven’t won yet.”
“I mean yeah, but I will!”
“Uh huh, whatever you say.”
Ryuji tossed his apron on its hook and quickly followed Akira up the stairs, arguing about how great he would be the entire time. Morgana got up to join them, though he was hesitant to show his face what Akira saw. However, as he leaped down from the shelf he was hiding on and went to exit the kitchen, something caught his eye.
The journal.
Ryuji had carelessly left it in his apron, and left the apron within Morgana's reach. Now was finally his chance to find out what was inside, and there was no way in hell that he was going to pass up this chance.
With all things considered, after all the painstakingly long hours Morgana spent wondering about the damn thing, actually getting his paws on it was rather anticlimactic. He felt like he ought to fight a dragon or something to get it after it put him through so much. But he wasn't going to complain.
The journal felt weird beneath his paws, but maybe that was because his heart was pounding so hard that he could literally feel it pulsing in pads of his feet. He carefully dragged the journal back up to his hiding space, not wanting to be caught with such an incriminating item. He was already caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to that day, and he’d be damned if it were to happen again. Though he wasn’t too worried this time. From the angry shouts coming from the room above him Morgana could tell that they were busy and would probably stay that way for a while.
He tried to flip open the cover, repeatedly cursing his lack of thumbs. It was a struggle, but he managed to get it open to the first page. He fought a smile at the sight, looking over lined sheet that was covered with messy scrawls that were undoubtedly Ryuji’s.
I have no clue what I'm supposed to write in this. Ann and Akira just told me to write whenever I feel like texting them about him, so I guess that is just what I'm doing right now. Cool.
‘Him’? Who is this ‘him’ that he's writing about? And Ryuji writes in this book almost all the time, so if he's only supposed to write about this one person… does that mean he's always thinking about this person? A bolt of jealousy struck Morgana like lightning. Who the fuck was this guy? Who was the one who managed to capture Ryuji’s attention so completely that he's all he can think about? Morgana angrily continued, his envy fueled curiosity propelling him forward.
Uh, so like what should I say? I don't think I'm gay, but I'm at least gay for him. Does this make me bi? I know I already asked Ann this and she says yeah, but he's the only guy I've ever been attracted to. Maybe it's because he doesn’t look entirely like a guy? Do I subconsciously think he's a chick? Is that why I'm so interested?
Morgana frowned, he wasn't sure if this gave him hope or not. Like there was hope that Ryuji wasn't only interested in girls, which was a bit of a relief. At least he wasn't pining after someone completely straight. However, he was also clearly in love with someone else, but who? Who did they know who was even remotely androgynous? Yusuke? Goro? Morgana’s heart ached at the thought. But was this really all this book was about? A crush? He couldn't help but feel hurt and disappointed, but perhaps out of some masochistic desire, he kept going.
Though I’m pretty effin’ sure I don't think I think he's a chick.
Okay, well that’s good to know. So he definitely wasn’t entirely straight.
I dunno. It’s hard to say. This whole thing is so confusin’. My feelings for him aren't like anything I've ever felt before.
I guess this sorta feels more real. Like the other things feel small minor in comparison. I guess they like sort of felt shallow, but this is just feels… I dunno, deeper in a way? Like I think I've only been like attracted to other people because they looked pretty and I was supposed to, because it was normal. But this is probably as far from normal as possible. Is that the appeal?
The fuck did he mean that this was as far from normal as possible? Was Ryuji homophobic ? Well that definitely put a damper on things. Though if he himself was attracted to males, maybe Ryuji was just in denial of his own feelings. Maybe it was out of self loathing that he thought that being gay wasn’t normal. But still.
I don't think that's it, but I guess it’s possible. Anything is a possible at this point. God, it's all been so effin weird. I've felt this way for so long and it still doesn't make sense to me. Is it normal for a crush to last this long? Is this love?
Morgana's heart couldn't take much more of this. Every part of him hurt. This was torture hearing about Ryuji pining after someone else.
He flipped ahead in hopes of seeing if he ever stopped going on and on about this guy, or at the very least if Ryuji mentioned the identity of this lucky oblivious bastard.
How would a relationship between us even work anyway? How would we date? Where could I take him? And I feel like he would have to be the little spoon… but what if I like being little spoon? Would that even work? He's too small to big spoon… how does spooning work anyway? Shit's weird.
Morgana snorted at that, he could easily picture Ryuji’s plucked brows doing all sorts of facial gymnastics as he ponders this all too seriously. It was cute. So fucking cute.
Morgana was in pain. He flipped ahead.
Would it be vore if
Nope ! He didn't want to know the rest of that question. He flipped ahead again.
I love him. There's no point in denying it now. I'm in love with him. So much so it hurts. I'm a bigger idiot than he thinks for not realizing it sooner. I can't believe it took me until watching a stupid animated film about cars to realize this. I love him so much it hurts. But what hurts most is that he'll never love me back. He's too busy being in love with someone else. It's not fair. Eff! I think I'm crying! It hurts. It hurts so much. It's not fair. It's not fair.
Morgana stared at the page, staring at the tear stains smudging the already nearly illegible writing, feeling as though he was about to add his own. It was like Ryuji took his feelings and put them to word. It was almost ironic that this person was putting Ryuji through the same hell that he was putting Morgana through. At least it was something he could relate to. Perhaps if Morgana were to talk to him about it, it could be a bonding experience. A sick and twisted bonding experience. One that will only succeed in breaking Morgana, but it would at least let him get closer to Ryuji. For that alone, it would be worth it.
Morgana was so tightly wrapped around Ryuji’s finger, he might as well be his veins. Ryuji could drop kick him off the side of a skyscraper and Morgana would just let it happen.
Morgana shook his head, blinking away the watery blurriness. He had to keep going while he still had the chance.
He flipped ahead. He had to. He flipped and flipped until he saw his own name.
I really don’t think this is a kink thing. It might be. I might just be a really effed up person who’s just super into screwin’ cars, but I think it might just be Morgana himself. I don’t know. I’m so confused. It’s freaking me out.
I think I’m in love with this tiny cat monster thing, and I don’t even have a solid explanation.
I think I’m just in love with Morgana.
Eff.
What?
Was this a joke? This couldn’t be real. How could it? This made no sense. Was this happening? It couldn’t be. It was impossible. Morgana could not be the person Ryuji was writing about. This wasn’t happening. No. He couldn’t believe this. He wouldn’t believe this. This was all some just fucked up fever dream. He was going to wake up, and Ryuji will still hate him, and not be working at Leblanc, and not have this stupid book of stupid poorly handwritten lies.
Footsteps and muffled voices drifted from the room above him, bringing Morgana back into the real world.
Fuck. What time was it? Ryuji must be heading home soon.
Fuck.
Morgana slammed the book shut, panicking over not panicking.
“Okay, so like you might have won this time, but I will effin’ slaughter you tomorrow, aight?” Ryuji called, trotting down the steps. Morgana watched him from beneath the counter, praying he wouldn’t get caught, and also praying that the apron would just stop swinging from when Morgana basically threw the cursed thing back into its pocket.
Though, of course the trailing Akira caught sight of Morgana and the swinging apron instantly. He raised a dark brow about the rim of his glasses before returning his attention to the chatting boy. Oh god, he was going to call him out wasn’t he?
Morgana was doomed.
Morgana was dead.
“Sure you will,” Akira was all he said in response.
Morgana wanted to cry. He had never felt so stressed before in his life .
“Don’t worry, I’ll beat you, one day! You’ll see.” Ryuji’s determined shout would normally set Morgana’s heart aflutter if it weren’t already pounding so hard in his chest that it would probably leave a bruise.
“Anyway, where’s Morgana, I haven’t seen him all day.”
This was it. Akira was going to tell him. Ryuji was going to know everything
“Oh he’s… around. Somewhere.”
If Ryuji were a more perceptive person, he’d probably know something was up with that very smug smirk that the bespectacled boy was throwing in a very specific direction. However, luckily for the hyperventilating hiding cat, Ryuji was not.
“Oh… alright. Cool.” Was it just him, or did Ryuji sound disappointed? Morgana couldn’t tell, was too much too busy trying not to puke to hope.
“Anyway,” Ryuji said, beginning to gather his things. “I’ll see you tomorrow then! And I will come out the true winner this time for sure.”
“Of course you will,” Akira said through a much softer smile. “Oh, don’t forget your journal.”
All three pairs of eyes in the room turned towards the hanging apron.
It had stopped swinging.
Morgana breathed a sigh of relief as Ryuji’s eyes widened.
“Shit, I almost forgot! I can’t believe I left it down here!”
“Guess you were too busy losing at your own game to notice.”
“Okay, well I was only losing because someone just has to be effin’ amazing at everything he does! Which is so not fair!”
Akira just laughed and smiled at the pouting blond. “No one likes a sore loser, you know.”
“‘No one likes a sore loser, you know.’” Ryuji mocked then stuck out his tongue.
Akira snorted. “What are you, five?”
“Five inches deep into your mom.”
“Ew. No. Gross.” Akira said, wrinkling his nose as Ryuji laughed. “Anyway, speaking of mothers, go back home to yours. It’s getting late.”
Ryuji glanced up at a clock on the wall and cursed. “Shit, yeah, okay. Cool. Seeya!”
And with that he was gone.
Akira sighed and flopped down into one of the vacant booths while Morgana slowly emerged from hiding. He looked almost as exhausted as Morgana felt.
Dread consumed the small cat as he refused to meet the other boy’s eyes.
“So…” Akira began, as if that would prompt something out of him.
“So,” Morgana responded, looking anywhere else.
“So are we ever going to talk about this or…?”
“Talk about what?”
Akira sighed, rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Don’t do this . Do this whole avoiding the topic thing, since there’s clearly a lot that really needs to be said right now.”
“I’m not avoiding anything. I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
He groaned, sounding frustrated to the point where Animal Control would probably get called on him if he were to do any of the things he wanted to right then. Morgana hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
“If you’re not avoiding anything, then why are you refusing to look at me?”
“Wow, vain much? I don’t have to look at you 24/7, you know? Maybe I just felt like looking at the floor today, ever thought of that?”
“You most certainly weren’t looking at the floor when I caught you in the kitchen.”
Morgana bristled. “I… uh… well…”
“Come on, admit it, you’re totally crushing on Ryuji aren’t you?”
“I! Well… um.”
Well he didn’t have to go right up and say it like that.
“Holy shit, I can’t believe you love him back! This is unbelievable!”
“…Love him back?”
Akira faltered, “I… uh… I mean, well, yeah. You read the journal, didn’t you? You know how he feels. I just… God, I just never thought that it would actually go both ways.”
“...So that wasn’t just some sick joke then? He… he’s actually in love with me?”
Akira shrugged, “Yeah? I guess? I dunno. I don’t know about love per se, but he, at least, is very interested. I mean, from what he’s told us, it could be some kind of weird furry car vore shapeshifting kink thing, or at least that’s what he thinks it is.”
Oh.
So it was a kink thing. A weird fucked up sexual kink thing.
Ryuji wasn’t actually interested in him. He only wanted him because Morgana wasn’t human at the moment. He was only interested because it was wrong, because it was weird and messed up. He didn’t actually want Morgana. At least not for who he actually was. He wouldn’t actually be interested if he managed to turn back into a human.
There really wasn’t any hope for him after all.
“God, I can’t believe it,” Akira said, flopping backwards onto the seat. “Holy shit, wait until I tell Ann.”
“No! Wait! Don’t tell her! She can’t know about this too!” But it was too late, Akira’s phone was already out, and he was already dialing at unimaginable speeds.
“Ann, you literally won’t believe what I just found out.”
Morgana sighed, opting to leave the room instead of staying to hear the two gossip at his expense.
This didn’t make sense. Nothing about it made sense. Everything felt so weird.
God.
Regardless, as exhaustion sank its claws deep into the small black and white cat, dragging him into a deep deep sleep, his thoughts still danced and played with the idea of Ryuji actually loving him back and what that would mean for the two of them.