Work Text:
Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU or any of its characters.
I make no money from this.
Rafael was not enjoying how anxious he felt. As a prosecutor, he regularly had to perform important and unpleasant tasks, with an audience no less, and he did so with only occasional and infrequent feelings of nervousness and anticipation. He faces down the best of defence attorneys, prestigious judges and dangerous criminals every day using his words to make and prove a point to bring about a change.
This considered, the meeting with Oliv... Lieutenant Benson should be no big deal at all. Sure, he'd asked her here to talk about concerns in their professional relationship, a subject many would be uncomfortable with. But not Rafael Barba. Rafael Barba had no problem telling anyone when they were out of line, unreasonable or wrong. It was practical, he is practical.
So why did he feel like his chest would implode the second she walked through his door?
Walking rapidly back and forth a short track behind his desk was not pacing. No, if it were pacing he'd have to admit he was feeling some large extent of anxiety. Admit his controlled, long, strong breaths were an attempt to calm down, to slow his galloping heart and focus his thoughts. Which he didn't need to do. He wasn't nervous because this was just a conversation between colleagues highlight and resolve an issue. He had to set it straight for the sake of work. That's all.
Except it wasn't all. Not even close. This conversation was the make or break for any future friendship he may get back with Liv and that was so desperately important to him the prospect of having that conversation had him falling apart under the pressure. His sweaty palm caught unpleasantly as he raked his fingers through his hair. All of this walking was just getting him more worked up, he just needed to relax before he made himself pass out.
Olivia checked herself as she exited the lift on his floor. She didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but she had a fair idea. Their relationship hadn't been what it used to for months and it was taking a toll on her, and their work if she was honest. She missed the comfort they used to have with each other, the frequent working lunches and dinners. The snarky banter, the meaningful looks, the casual touches. All of it lost with the indictment.
She had noticed his deterioration though, and it did worry her. He still made all his court appearances, still slogged hours preparing for and winning his cases. He still pieced together bold and stylish suits, but the circles around his eyes had darkened, the skin around his cheeks shrunk with weight loss and Olivia hadn't heard him actually laugh in weeks. She was concerned, and despite the unpleasant feelings this meeting was churning inside her, if he was calling her to his office to talk about what she thought he was, she would be relieved. They needed to be effective colleagues for the sake of the victims.
It was reasonably late and his secretary had already left. The light in the outer office was off, but the glow peeking through the door from his was enough to light her path. She approached his door quietly, leaning gently on the frame when she reached it. He was standing behind his desk, hands in his pockets. His gaze directed down at the corner of his desk but Olivia got the sense he wasn't actually looking at anything.
He hadn't noticed her and she took advantage of a few moments to appraise him. He really was very handsome, she'd always known that. Even now with his furrowed brow and sad, downcast eyes. He worried his bottom lip slightly, sending another pang of concern through Olivia. He was so out of sorts.
She knocked softly and cleared her throat. His head snapped up immediately to meet hers, his wide eyes made contact briefly with her own before cutting sideways then to the ground.
"Lieutenant, ah, thank you for coming." He began as he walked toward her. She noticed he continued to avert his gaze as he got closer to her, gesturing toward the couch near the door. He was hoping choosing the less formal arrangement would ease some of the tension, make it easier to form a connection. Rafael's large open palm caught her attention momentarily before he dropped it, was that a tremble?
"Sorry it's so late, I was just finishing some paperwork." She said neutrally as she made her way over to the low couch. She sat, glancing up at him to see him sit a careful distance from her. Smoothing his hands nervously down his thighs, then his tie before turning to face her slightly more.
He looked pale, his eyes caught hers again very briefly as he nodded, then swallowed thickly as he looked away. Her tone deliberately neutral, eyes trained on him she probed "So what's this about?"
He'd clasped his hands in front of him, forearms braced down his thighs he allowed his head to hang as he stared at his interlaced fingers. "I think you know the answer to that question." He replied quietly, unable to verbalize it still, unable to even look at her. Why was he being so weak? What gave her this power to take away all of his confidence and render him incapable of carrying out a conversation that normally wouldn't bother him in the least. He didn't like it.
Taking a deep breath, he tore his eyes away from his hands and to her face. He took a moment to take in her somber image. He hadn't looked at her properly in a while and he really missed her. "This has to stop." He said soberly, eyes searching hers.
At this she cut her eyes down to her lap, nodding slowly. Did she feel guilty? "I know. You're right." At this his heart stuttered, a small flourish of hope sparked low in his belly. Her eyes flicked back to his, but he couldn't read any emotion in them. "I've been unprofessional, and I apologise." Her tone remained deliberately measured and slow, her eyes guarded. "It in the best interest of the victims we work for, for us to have a better working relationship."
The flicker in his stomach twisted. It transformed into a horrible cold snake slithering its way up his abdomen like a finger of death. It wrapped around his ribs and squeezed his chest making it difficult to breathe. These were the words he wanted to hear, but definitely not the way he wanted to hear them.
Her tone was resigned, posture stiff and eyes dull. The apologies, the cease fire reached, all out of professional obligation, not a genuine desire for restoration of friendship.
He floundered desperately as he watched her handle him the same way he'd witnessed her do with politicians and the superiors she didn't like. Superficial, professional courtesy.
The snake coiled heavy in his gut, biting him sharply on the heart and injecting a cold venom into his blood. His insides shattered as she stood to leave.
Panic shot through his core, heart drumming and stomach churning. A sudden and powerful desperation bloomed across his chest and rolled into his lurching stomach. His eyes welled and darted rapidly from side to side as he frantically sought words. He was losing her. Liv. Not Liv.
She began to move past him to get to the door.
Panic spiraled as he realised his attempt to find his friend was working about as successfully as the battle to control his emotions.
She was just stepping past him, heading for the door. Panic pushed him to move before thinking.
Still seated his arms shot out, ensnaring Olivia's waist and drawing her rapidly toward him. A soft gasp escaped her lips in surprise as his head firmly met her stomach. Instinctively, her hands landed gently above his ears, bracketing the sides of his head.
"Barba? What are you..."
She looked down at him as he buried his head further into her abdomen, feeling his arms tighten around her waist. The skin at the side of his face was crinkled, making Olivia think his eyes must be scrunched shut.
Was he crying? What had gotten into this man?
He let out a shuddering breath against Olivia's stomach, the warmth of it draining some of her shock and grounding her to the moment.
"Rafael" she stuttered, so unsure of what was happening.
Suddenly, Olivia was struck by how powerful a man he is. Seeing him in this position highlighted how compelling his usual confidence is. The striking contrast to the man she saw strutting the floor of the courtroom, sparing comfortably with the best of defense lawyers and the scum on the stand, to the man she saw desperately clinging to her now chocked her. She was usually good at handling situations with broken people.
Yet here Rafael was broken, over her, and she had no idea what to do.
Her heart snapped and she realised how much she needed him too. A terrible guilt exploded in her chest, bleeding through to the rest of her body.
Automatically her hands gently carded through his soft hair, trying to sooth him with the light pressure from her fingers.
"Hey."
She heard herself coo quietly, as if she were speaking to a frightened child.
"Hey, Rafael" she tried to pull back slightly so she could kneel in front of him. Olivia wanted to see his eyes, squeeze his shoulder in reassurance. But his hold on her tightened as he buried his face harder into her, warm, wet splotches began to spread to her skin as a tiny whimper escaped him.
Her heart broke. Mouth slightly agape she stared in horror at her once best friend, who she had turned her back on in the most cruel way. Her hands had continued to stroke through his thick hair unconsciously. Fleetingly she appreciated the feeling, recalling multiple instances she had wanted to comb through it as affectionately as she was now or maybe ruffle it playfully, teasingly.
Again she tried to pull away so she could hold his face, look into his eyes and pour her heart out until she'd flooded the drought she'd created between them. Again he only tugged against her harder, his shoulders shuddering as now audible sobs broke free from him. A desperate helplessness pierced through her, stinging her eyes with tears.
"Please Rafael," she said, still stroking his hair.
"Let me just see you. I'm so sorry." Her voice full of remorse.
"Hey, come on." She encouraged softly as her hands travelled through his hair and down his arms, now trying to weakly pull them from around her. With this he finally released her, sliding back slightly on the couch with his shoulders slumped and head hung.
She caught his large, warm and incredibly soft hands and held them firmly. Olivia knelt in front of him, crouched just outside of the space between his legs. The low couch combined with his slumped position meant her forehead was about level with his chin, she gazed up at him.
Transferring his hands to just one of her own, the other travelled up cup his cheek, her thumb stroking the smooth, wet skin of his cheek bone. Wild, green eyes of despair cut up to lock onto her frantic brown ones. A brief and powerful urge to rock forward and capture his soft, parted lips rapidly burned through her, she nearly didn't manage to suppress it. Instead she nuzzled the large palm he moved from her grip to her cheek, mirroring her.
A warm few seconds buzzed between them as they connected gazes for the first time in months that were soft and kind, instead of hard and cold. His cheeks were streaked with tears and again Olivia had to fight the urge to place soft kisses where they had tracked.
"I can't do it any more, Liv. I can't take it." His eyes hadn't left hers, his voice thick from his sorrow and tears.
"We were best friends. We were so close and now..." he continued voice tightening and increasing pace as his eyes welled and threatened to spill again. "Now, we're... you're..." he trailed off, gesturing helplessly, voice strangled as he struggled to articulate the enormity of the loss he felt, how worthless he felt, how lonely.
She saw it all in his expression. The wide, shiny eyes, the crinkled brow, the upturned mouth.
"I've missed you, my friend." She stated simply and honestly, voice low and heavy letting her eyes communicate her understanding.
"Can I have you back?" His voice cracked on the last word, eyes pleading and heart pounding wildly still. Instead of answering she finally gave into her urge to fall into him. Smoothly, her legs pushed up from the floor and she swiveled to sit close next to him. Her legs coming to rest across his lap as her arms wrapped around his chest. She snuggled into his neck as he moved with her to circle one arm around the back of her shoulders and the other to meet it in front.
Their breathing gradually slowed, muscles melting into each other.
Neither of them knew exactly how long they stayed there, just cuddled together. The embrace warming a part of each of them that had been cold for months.