Chapter Text
The universe revolves around big.
Big stars, big sky.
Big.
Everything is so…big.
But despite the masses of space that unfurl with every second, it always feels as if nothing is quite as engulfing as the rein of despair, of sadness. Now that is something big. It’s a burden that’s always just a little too big. Others carry it, some carry far worse. Shiro couldn’t truly come to rationalize why he shouldn’t be able to do as much, if not more, than what others could do. His weight was big, constantly demanding and eternally crushing. The lights of his friends were like the stars he gazed out at: A beautiful twinkle but also a reminder of the empty distance away. Big was not the word he felt best with, except with him.
He was big. Everywhere. Every single inch, every little line that curved, it was all big. He didn’t know about the weight that the other carried, assumed sometimes even that he carried none but he knew. It was how his smile fell when he thought nobody was looking that Shiro knew. Even a man so big could be crushed by pain even bigger.
At first he was able to convince himself that the worry he felt towards the other was just part of being the leader. He was able to believe that the hours spent worrying were normal. Eventually, Shiro became so convinced by his own white lie that when the truth shattered he found himself caught in the aftermath. It was at some point after the crash, he remembered the stinging, the fight, the wormhole, everything. He was injured, badly so. Robot arm or not, Shiro was not invincible.
He could die. Perhaps he would die. What would that mean? If he were to die, the black lion might never find another pilot within the lifespan of the others. Or, even worse, it would return to Zarkon, its former master. What would that spell for the universe, let alone Voltron? The thought seemed to make his head throb a little harder and he flinched, fingers curling into the gash in his side.
Danger, he knew he was in danger but that wasn’t on the forefront of his mind. His team, the others, where were they? Keith, he could vaguely remember seeing a blur of red beside his lion but had the other three followed? What about Coran and Allura? Did the castle follow them out of the wormhole? He didn’t think so but a part of him felt foolish enough to genuinely hope that they were all okay. Or so he originally thought.
It was after the conversation between Keith and he fell to a silence that Shiro began to experience that ghastly lurch in his body. He tried to settle more, tried to not move his body too much but even if his wound hurt, he couldn’t think about it. Keith had said it was just the two of them on whatever planet or moon they had landed and maybe that was fine and all but if they were here, where were the others? More specifically, where was Hunk? Was he okay? Where had he landed? Was he alone? Hurt? The thought pained him more than his physical wounds and he flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Eyes blinking open, his gaze drifted to Keith, actually surprised by the look of relaxation on the others face.
“Shiro, it’s going to be okay. Hunk’s a big guy, I think it’d take more than a crash to take him down.”
The mixture of shock and surprise must have been obvious by the way Keith showed a genuine look of confusion. Of course Keith would be the kind of person to assume that Shiro’s affections were apparent and meant to be spoken about. Shiro, on the other hand, had honestly thought he had been able to disguise himself pretty well. So, that was a little disappointing on his end. Still, if the other knew about it…
He swallowed the lump that had threatened to form in his throat and instead avoided eye contact. Of course, Keith was probably right about Hunk but it really did nothing to ease Shiro’s concerns. Yes, he was fully aware that Hunk was strong, unbelievably so but that part of him, the part he had convinced was normal still ached to see Hunk and confirm his safety. If only for a moment, he just wanted to see the rounded nose of the other, orange bandana loyally keeping his hair tied and how he just wanted to touch everything.
“Shiro, Shiro. Shiro. Shiro?”
The snapping startled him, his eyes widening momentarily as he quickly moved to look at Keith, instantly regretting it as a white flash of pain spiked through him. Shit. A hand gripped at his side and for a moment, Keith seemed to want to reach for it but drew back his hand when Shiro grunted and shook his head. He would be fine, it was okay. At the very least, he hoped Hunk didn’t have it worse than him. No, that boy deserved far better. Degrading to himself or not, Shiro truly wished the best for the yellow paladin, even if it eventually came to cost him.
It was in that moment that Shiro’s illusions broke down and the world shattered like glass around him. Yes, he would sacrifice himself for any of the others if the situation presented itself but to know that he would just willingly do anything just to have Hunk happy? How could he call that normal? How could he call that friendship? The way that he would see the other and how he looked…
Every part of him was curved. There wasn’t a single straight line and Shiro wanted nothing more than to run his hands along every curve, dipping and diving with the flow of the other. Instead, he always forced himself to look away. He had to look away. He was old enough to know how he expressed emotions and being discrete about affections was not amongst his strengths. Hunk didn’t need to catch onto his stares, didn’t need to read them wrong and become upset. Back then, Shiro would deal with occasional stolen glances towards the yellow paladin. Back then, he thought this could satisfy him.
Shiro realized now that he had been horribly mistaken, if not even more than that. He could not be sated with just a brief glance, a brief stolen look. He wanted eye contact, soft and capturing. He wanted so much and didn’t think it would be too much to ask for but there he was.
He had been so wrong, to think this was normal.
Then again, when is love ever normal?