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Growing up as Confidence Alive wasn’t easy. It meant that Maelgwyn expected himself to succeed at everything he tried. Failing, even if it was his first attempt, wasn’t an option.
The first failure that Maelgwyn could remember was when he was learning how to ride a horse. He had been taking it slow, at Samothes’ insistence, on one of Samot’s ponies. But when Aunt Severea came for a visit and let him ride her horse, he had to ride her at full speed. They didn’t get far before he fell, the horse running back to Severea, not realizing she had lost her rider.
Maelgwyn didn’t cry then. He stood up, brushed himself off, directed a shaky smile at his worried fathers (who were running towards him), and marched back into the house, disappearing into his room. When he didn’t come to dinner, Samothes went to check on him.
He found Maelgwyn in his room, trying to cover up the fact that he had been crying. Samothes didn’t say anything, he just went to him and held him, letting him cry until he couldn’t cry anymore. Finally, Maelgwyn, his head buried in his daddy’s chest, said, “I thought I could do it. I should have been able to do it.”
“It’s okay,” said Samothes, methodically rubbing his son’s back.
“Papa didn’t think I was ready. I shouldn’t have even tried,” said Maelgwyn, pulling away from the hug.
Samothes sighed, his arm around Maelgwyn’s skinny shoulders. “Papa worries about you, and so do I. But you had to try. That’s what makes you you. You may not always succeed, but what matters is that you tried.” He kissed his son on the top of the head. “Now come on, let’s go have some dinner.”
Maelgwyn ate quietly that night, thinking that maybe failure wasn’t the end of the world, as long as he had his daddy to comfort him after.
****
Maelgwyn opened his eyes, not realizing he had even closed them. He was laying in the grass, looking up at an endless sky. The Sun was bright and it took him a moment to remember why that was odd. It wasn’t long before the memories came flooding back to him-- the Blade in the Dark, becoming Samothes, the Heat and the Dark, being stabbed by his prince. He stood up shakily and examined his chest. There was no wound, but he felt a stabbing pain, more to do with the memories than the sword.
He wondered where he was and what he was supposed to do now. He didn’t want to do anything but he couldn’t just stand there in the middle of an unfamiliar field. He decided to pick a direction and walk in it.
He had only walked a few steps when he noticed a figure in the distance, coming towards him at a surprising speed. Before he knew it, he could make out the face.
Samothes looked him in the eye and smiled. Maelgwyn froze. All he wanted since that High Sun Day was his daddy back. And now Samothes was back, but how could Samothes forgive him for what he did? He wanted to go to him but couldn’t make himself move. Instead, he fell to his knees and cried like he hadn’t since he was a child.
And then Samothes was there, his arms wrapped tightly around him, stroking his back just like he used to.
“I tried, I tried,” Maelgwyn whispered between sobs.
“I know.” Samothes spoke so quietly that Maelgwyn was only sure that he did because he felt the deep rumble in his father’s chest.
“I tried,” was all Maelgwyn could say again.
Samothes pulled back slightly. “Come,” he said, louder than before. “Let’s have something to eat and you can tell me all about it.”