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It was supposed to have been a calm day. Namjoon woke up with a blossoming headache and a mild fever, uncomfortable, but not dying exactly. That week wasn’t supposed to be intense, but the week after was packed, so it had been decided, despite his numerous protests, that he should take care of himself before anything got too bad. Of course, as soon as he was in bed, trying desperately to return to seep, Jin had practically begged the managers to let him stay with his dongsaeng, just to watch over him.
It had been hours since then, but Namjoon hadn’t been able to coax his aching body back to sleep, and the pain had become unbearable. Namjoon bit his lip and curled his fingers into the soft sheets of his bed, his sweater that once felt soft rubbing harshly against his sensitive skin. He squished his eyes even tighter closed. His head hurt like there was something exploding inside of it, and he wanted to scream and cry but he knew it would just make everything hurt even more.
He summoned all of his energy, everything he had, and he pushed himself up from the bed. A bolt of pain shot through his head, and he leaned heavily on the wall for support but he persevered and pushed himself all the way to the living room. Just to get some ibuprofen because surely that would fix this, right?
He turned the corner and let out a soft pained whimper when, through squinted eyes, he saw Seokjin curled up with a laptop on the couch. And all at once, his resolve to be the strong leader crumbled to pieces. He collapsed on the couch, and nuzzled into Jin’s leg, pathetic. He didn't feel like himself, really himself. He felt small and broken, and he just wanted to be taken care of. For someone to make this pain go away
“Joonie?” Jin asked. All he got in return was a whimpering Namjoon pushing his head farther into Jin’s sweatpants. “Darling? You don’t look so good.” Jin whispered, running a hand across the tight muscles in Namjoon’s back. “Is it worse than this morning?”
Namjoon whimpered again. “Migraine, hyung,” he whispered quickly, his voice croaky with restrained tears. The sound of his own voice drove a fevered shudder down his spine, which pulled with it a wince that made him curl up even further into his hyung’s comforting embrace.
“Help me, please. I- ” Namjoon said, his voice pained and pleading. The tears in his voice were palpable, his normal smooth tones seemingly vanished. His strength and resolve depleted, he focused a little more on the feeling in his head, and the more upsetting feeling of tears rolling down his cheeks.
“Oh, darling.” Seokjin said, raising a hand to smooth the wrinkles out of Namjoon’s brow, “What can I do to help you?” He said, his voice getting a little lower, quieter, but filled to the brim with worry. How could it have possibly gotten this bad, this fast. Hours ago, he had been fine.
“Help. Hurts. Jin-hyung.” Namjoon cried, tears streaming through his closed eyes, down his face. His cheeks were covered in salty streaks, and Seokjin wrinkled his brow. It was distressing to say the least, Namjoon never cried, not if he could help it. Only happy tears, after something goes well and they’re home, preferably all curled up together on the couch. Not like this, never.
“Darling, I know you want help. Did you take your preventatives?” Seokjin asked, whispering to keep the volume levels lower, keep his poor darling out of pain. Anything to keep his beautiful Joonie out of pain.
“Yes, last night and this morning. They didn’t help. It hurts so bad Jin-hyung.” he responded, crying still. Jin rubbed his forehead, it must be really bad if he had taken the preventatives and he still couldn't speak.
“Excedrin too?” Jin asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer. A quick nod came back, followed by a fully body wince at the movement. It took everything in Jin not to cry. “Oh love. Don't worry, I'm here, I'll take care of you.”
“Ice?” Namjoon asked, voice quiet and plaintive. Jin sighed. At least that he could do. As carefully as he could, he scooted out from under his beloved and scurried to the fridge. Pulled out some ice, a fancy juice Taehyung had bought when he was in a bad mood, and a clean dish towel to make a compress with.
“Jin-hyung.” Namjoon cried out, voice filled with pain and anger. He was angry at his own body for betraying him, for making him feel so broken and he just wanted it to stop. Suddenly something cool and soft draped over his forehead and for a second it was all okay. Jin laid a soft hand on his cheek and that was okay too.
And then it hurt and it hurt and it hurt and reassuring touches and ice packs just weren't helping. His fever just kept getting worse, no matter how much medicine he took, no matter how much water Jin forced down his throat. Jin stayed up all night, even after the other members got home, keeping the towel cool, but Namjoon just kept hurting and hurting and nothing would stop the relentless onslaught of pain.
Namjoon would cry, and Jin would wipe away his tears. Namjoon would wince at the touch, and Jin would apologize, and Namjoon would wince at the sound. Rinse and repeat. Just as the sun crested the horizon, Jin left Jungkook and Namjoon’s room to get more medicine, more ice, more caffiene, something, and stumbled on the other five members, huddled on the living room floor. Startled, Seokjin said nothing, just stared at his friends in silence.
“Jin-hyung?” Jimin questioned softly, not moving from his spot nestled against Yoongi’s chest. It wasn’t much. It wasn’t anything really, but Seokjin just crumbled, letting out every tear he had suppressed since that morning. They slipped down his cheeks and onto the floor while he stood stock still in the middle of the living room.
“Jin-hyung, is Joonie-hyung alright?” Jungkook asked, his voice cracking slightly, betraying the worry that he felt bubbling up inside of him.
Seokjin gave a slight shrug and hung his head, ashamed. Because what was he if he couldn’t take care of his members. If he couldn’t fix this. If he couldn’t take the pain away. Just a pretty face, nothing much. Without warning, he felt a pair of warm arms envelop him. Hoseok gathered his hyung in a tight hug, and held him until his tears ceased.
“What’s his temperature now?” Yoongi asked when the tears had subsided.
“39.7. It was 38.1 this morning and I just can’t get it to go down. I’m worried that something is really wrong, and he’s just so hurt. I want to take him to the hospital because nothing is working.” Jin sighed, scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand. If he was tired, he couldn’t imagine what Namjoon was feeling.
“Talk to him. He’s still our Namjoon. Still our stupidly smart Namjoon.” Hobi said, a smile darting across his lips at the memory of all the times their leader had spent precious free days reading, and the rest of the members practically took turns curling up into his side. Their Namjoon, ever the multitasker, would stroke their hair and smile quietly at whatever he was reading, whispering interesting passages out loud to whoever was around.
Seokjin nodded and bit his lip, grabbing ice before returning to his post. He crept quietly through the door, only to hold back yet more tears at the sight of Namjoon, all sharp edges and crinkled brows.
“Joon-ah, this is bad,” Seokjin whispered, stroking the pad of his thumb across the back of Namjoon’s outstretched hand, “I think we might need to go to the ER. I know you hate it, but there isn't much more I can do. I’m worried about your fever, and I just want your pain to stop. You don’t need to be in pain to prove you’re strong Joonie.” Jin finished, addressing the concern he knew was settled deep into his dearest’s mind.
“I don't want to,” Namjoon forced out, his voice raspy and cracking, “it will pass.” Jin wanted to cry hearing Namjoon’s voice so full of pain, and so determined. Their Namjoon, so stoic and smart and stubborn.
“It will, but that could take days. Days of you not being able to work, or eat, or sleep, or talk. I don't want to pressure you and I know it's your decision, but you just keep getting worse. Joon-ah, please, let's get you help.” Jin whispered, pleading but Namjoon still shook his head no.
Realizing his mistake, Namjoon’s hands flew to his temples as another bolt of pain rushed through his head and down his spine. The movement sparked a wave of nausea that sent him careening towards the bathroom. Head spinning, stomach turning, brain burning, heart pounding, he felt his legs crumple under him. His vision darkened for just a moment before his hands found the toilet and he retched into it, bile burning his throat.
“Aish Joonie, did you just pass out?” Seokjin asked, forgetting to be quiet, forgetting to be courteous, or careful, or caring even. Seeing Namjoon gag again, eyes screwed up tight, tears spilling from his eyes like sobs spilled from his lips gave Jin the initiative that he needed. “Joon-ah, I love you, and we have to go to the hospital. You are not okay.”
“Jin-hyung.” Namjoon groaned, seemingly, his fever flushed cheek pressed against the cool porcelain of the toilet seat.
“No, I'm sorry. You just passed out from pain, you took the biggest doses of all of your meds, and not a single thing has helped. We need to get help. I’m going to call manager-nim to get us a car, and I’m going to talk to everyone and then we are going okay?” Jin said, whispering again, the urgency in his ton undercut with the watery wobble that came with anger and worry.
He wanted to storm away, but the sight of his hyung, his strength, the one who held all of them when they were crumbling, crumpled over their bathroom floor with sweaty hair, a pale face and an exhausted expression broke him. He ran a hand over Namjoon’s back in a way that was normally comforting, but he didn’t know if the shiver that followed was from comfort or fever.
“I'll be right back okay?” Jin whispered, more to himself than to the man half sprawled across their bathroom floor.
“Okay.” Namjoon said, sounding totally and completely resigned. Jin though he should be relieved at that, but damn it. Their Namjoon was supposed to be strong and stubborn and smiling. But that wasn’t what he looked like now, exhausted, angry, and so pained.
It took some convincing, but the other members helped their manager to understand that no, this wasn’t something they could solve on their own. It took even more convincing to stop the maknaes from stowing away in the car to the hospital, As Jin supported Namjoon, their strong and quiet leader out of the door and into the awaiting car, it was hard for both of them not to hear the quiet whimpers and soft sobs escaping their friends. Namjoon gave a pained and half-hearted wave, causing stifled sobs to escalate, and Jin to pull Namjoon into the car.
The emergency department was surprisingly subdued, and they were quickly shepherded into a quieter, darker hallway where, finally, Namjoon could feel a little of the pain and tightness recede. Just enough to take the edge off, but to let the chills of fever return with a vengeance. JIn ran his hand up and down Namjoon’s back and shoulders, kneading at the spasming muscles to try to alleviate his poor dongsaeng’s suffering.
They waited for a while. Nurses with loud shoes and louder voices came to take his vitals and make everything worse, but Jin was always there to run a quiet and warm hand through his hair and make everything better. So they waited there in that dim hallway for a while, and they were okay.
An IV of fluids, a bed, and a shot of Toradol later, Namjoon’s pain had sunk from a 9.5 down to a low boil 6. Simmering right in the region of being able to fall asleep. Namjoon shot a look over to his constant companion, whose eyelids were drooping just as much as his were.
“Jin-hyung?” He asked quietly, startling his boyfriend from the half sleep they were both drifting towards.
“Yeah?” Jin answered, as alert as he could be given the circumstances. He tightened his grip
On the railing of the bed, worried about what might come next.
“I'm not mad at you. It was a good idea, to bring me here.” Namjoon gave his best non pained smile. Unfortunately he just couldn't get his face to smooth over the pounding pain still trying it's best to claw its way through his skull. Jin did his best to smile back, grabbing hold of one of Namjoon’s hands.
“Thank you. I'm sorry.” Seokjin responded, emotions Namjoon couldn't quite decipher drifting across his face. Worry, anger, exhaustion, maybe. Nothing seemed to quite fit the expression overtaking his hyung’s delicate features.
A doctor decided that was the opportune time to let them know that they wanted to do a CT scan, an MRI, and keep Namjoon for overnight observation just to make sure his fever wouldn’t spike again. Jin sighed but smiled and bowed to the doctor as he reassured the both of them that everything was going to be fine.
“I wish it didn't hurt to hear sound,” Namjoon said as soon as the doctor was gone, “I want to write a rap about doctors being the least least convincing liars on the planet.” Despite himself, Jin giggled, drawing a wince from his boyfriend.
“Sorry Joon-ah.” Seokjin said, squeezing his ailing boyfriend’s hand. That odd face returned. Was it guilt, Namjoon blearily wondered. Why would Jin possibly feel guilty?
“No, it's fine. You couldn't help yourself, I am just very funny.” Namjoon said, eyes scrunched closed, but with a real smile this time. “And if you're talking about the hospital business, that's not your fault.” Nothing's your fault, he wanted to say, you are perfect, you did the best you could. I’m proud of you, so so proud. But words were hard, so he squeezed his hyung’s hand and smiled. I’m so proud of you
“I could have not flipped and brought you here instead of respecting your wishes and riding it out at home. I could have taken care of you more this morning before it got bad. I could have done better Joon.” Seokjin said. His hands balled into fists and knuckles went white, like he was bracing for impact. Namjoon took a second to look at his friend’s shaking arms, clenched jaw, and the little lines of red where his fingernails dug into the flesh of his palm.Then he took a second to feel his own aching head and body, just live in the moment, as painful as it was.
“Hey. Take a breath.” Namjoon whispered, and watched as his hyung unfurled a little, stilling. “I said I'm not mad, and I meant it. You were worried about me and I wasn't thinking straight and you did the right thing. Okay? Or do I need to call ChimChim and make him hug you till you believe it?”
Seokjin sighed out a big breath and let his head come to rest on the railing of the hospital bed, he could feel tears gathering in his eyes but he tried his best to blink them away. He was supposed to be strong, at least now, when Namjoon couldn’t be. It wasn't until Joonie reached over with his non IV arm to wind his fingers into Jin’s hair that he let a few fall.
“What did I do to deserve you?” He asked, voice watery and breaking.
“You were your stupidly lovable self.” Namjoon responded, in the tone of voice where Jin could practically hear the dopey smile on his face, before drawing in a quick sharp breath. Jin looked up to see Namjoon’s face contorted in pain.
“Medicine wearing off?” Jin asked, grasping his darling’s hand in his and holding it tight.
“Just a bolt of pain. It'll pass.” He let out a measured breath and pulled his knees up to his chest, tried to shrink and become nothing if only the pain would got away. It was in these moments of such deep and sharp pain that Jin felt the farthest away, the most unable to help, or even understand his darling Namjoon’s pain.
Namjoon let out a little sob as the pain continued to increase, and he felt Jin squeeze his hand, but it wasn't enough to bring him back down. Nothing was. So he reached out and felt his way towards the nurse call button. Fingers fumbling, he by the time he pressed it, the pain had become unbearable.
The nurses quickly arrived, tried to ask questions that just caused more pain, and finally just gave him more painkillers. Tugged back down from his suffering, the last thing he felt was the wetness of Jin’s tears on his hand as he slipped into the sweet release of sleep.
The pain was gone the next morning, replaced by a soft throbbing and an overwhelming exhaustion, and a mild . After some scans that confirmed yet again that, no, he did not have brain cancer, they let him go.
They were honestly surprised that they didn’t fall over when they walked in the door only to be tackled by the rest of Bangtan.
“Don’t do that ever again.”
“You don’t get to move for the next six weeks. We will do every single thing you need.”
“Please don’t die, we need you.”
“You both look so tired! Let me cook!”
Namjoon smiled his same dopey smile and let himself be escorted to his bed, Let the maknaes cover him in a million blankets and also themselves. Let Yoongi and Hobi squish themselves against the wall just to fit. Smiled when Jin slid behind him and wrapped him tightly in a hug and didn’t even groan when Jungkook and Tae let out a chorus of awws.
He was drifting to sleep, wrapped in the warmth and love of his friends when he heard a soft voice pipe up behind him.
“Love you Joon-ah.” Jin whispered as he pressed a kiss to Namjoon’s temple.
“Everyone loves Rapmon-hyung!” Jungkook yelled, just a bit too loud and a bit too delirious to be sweet. All of them erupted into laughter which hurt Namjoon’s head a little, but it was worth it to be surrounded by people who cared about him.