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alec has gotten used to sleeping in magnus' bed, and even more used to magnus comforting him whenever he gets nightmares. alec felt the safest next to magnus, and magnus felt the safest next to alec.
but tonight, everything is different and alec feels so guilty. magnus had almost died because of alec, because alec doesn't trust him enough. the look in magnus' eyes when alec asked, "how do i fix this?" broke alec's heart all over again, but his heart hurt even more when magnus didn't reply. he presses his nails into his palms as a form of punishment and dare not look at magnus in the eyes because alec knew that nothing could fix this. at least not immediately.
alec waited for magnus to shower (the first time in days without using magic) and then watched magnus burn his clothes. alec's heart ached, and he was filled with guilt and was so beyond helpless to see his strong boyfriend crumble all because of him.
alec just waited until magnus finally went to bed, and alec contemplated staying and joining magnus under the covers with magnus and hugging magnus so tight that all their problems just magically disappear but alec knew that he doesn't deserve to even be near magnus right now.
instead of doing all of that, alec just left the loft silently.
and oh god, alec's heart hurts so much.
this was why alec always stayed out of relationships, alec knew that he would only bring hurt to those he love most, and he has never ever loved someone as much as he did magnus, even though they've just began dating.
sometimes, when alec leans in to kiss magnus, alec feels overwhelmed and surprised because he can never comprehend the fact that he is dating the most kind, compassionate and beautiful man in the world.
other times, alec would press his nail into his palm too hard and draws blood and feel ashamed. it was his habit. today, however, when alec presses his nail into palm, the pain was not enough to help him breathe again, and he felt so useless and helpless and alec just wanted to feel something. he deserves to hurt for hurting magnus, for not trusting magnus, for not helping magnus, for not saving magnus, for not making magnus happy.
the high warlock of brooklyn, and the ordinary shadowhunter.
on the way back to the institute, all alec could think of was how magnus would be so much better without alec. camille was although mean to alec, but what she said was right. magnus loved her so much and she brought him happiness. magnus would be able to live happily without alec, without having to save alec's ass 24/7, without having to be used again and again in the institute.
maybe his father was right, alec would never amount to anything. maybe his father was right, alec would never find love. maybe his father was right, alec is just a burden to everyone.
once alec reaches the institute, he locks the door to his room and immediately falls onto the floor. alec decided that the only way to get magnus to forgive him now is to vanish forever. magnus is probably filled with hatred right now, judging from the way magnus looked at him back at his loft. and this would help magnus feel better because he wouldn't have to see alec ever again and remember everything alec's done tonight.
alec took out three pieces of plain paper and the pen closest to him and started writing.
dear magnus,
i'm sorry for not being enough. these few months that we've been together have been so great. i'm so sorry i screwed it up so badly today. i wish i could undo everything. i'm so sorry for putting you through..everything. i'm sorry for making you hurt. i promised myself that i would never be the reason why you're hurting, but i almost killed you tonight, magnus. i'm so sorry. you deserve so much but i have only given you so little, i'm so sorry. i don't think you'll ever forgive me for what i've done tonight but that's fine. i wouldn't forgive myself either. please be happy and take good care of yourself; find someone to make you happy. be someone who makes you happy. you are so beautiful inside and out and i'm sorry you had to waste so much on me. i will always love you, and i'll always remember how you hold me when i'm hurting. i'm so sorry that you had to heal me so many times. i'm so sorry you had to take care of me so many times. i'm so sorry. i should've never caused you pain. you are so, so beautiful. i guess jace was always right, maybe my best isn't good enough, but that's fine, because in the end, i still met you. i still had the chance to love you, and to be loved by you. you know, i'd actually thought we'd be okay, but i guess i was being silly. how could i ever be good enough for you?
alec gently puts down his pen. the disgusting feeling in his heart was growing. alec goes to his bathroom and locks the door.
the guilt that alec has been feeling is eating him up and without magnus holding or helping him, alec feels like he can't breathe. alec opens the medicine cabinet and found the razor that he wrapped up carefully to hide it tucked all the way at the back.
he slowly pushes up his sleeves and with shaky hands, drags the shiny blade over his wrist. and god, there is so much blood everywhere but the guilt eating him up is slowly vanishing.
after the fifth cut, alec starts to see little black dots in his vision but his heart was calm and he finally felt relieved.