Chapter Text
He's drowning.
For years he has felt his breath extinguishing. He is calm in the face of his impending death. There is peace in certainty. He is not special. He is just another of his kind following the similar path Kepral's Syndrome has outlined for him.
If he lived a better life it might have been different. There might have been more time. He is a vessel that is faltering from too much use. He spent the majority of his years as an instrument. He dreamed.
When he awoke he had Irikah and for a small while, Kolyat. The memory of Irikah is as fresh as ever. The spice in the air, her sunset eyes. Memory is a blessing and a curse, uncontrollable, agonizing and enough to give him physical pleasure. He failed her. The death of her attackers does not cleanse his sins. She is at the recess of his mind, as much as one can be to a drell.
Sometimes waking is cruel but he appreciates his time with his son. Even now Kolyat tries to be strong. He hasn't changed much from when he was a boy. Thane reminds himself that Kolyat's once small life is a gift to the world. He is grateful to be partly responsible for it. He is grateful to Shepard for bringing him back into his life.
Shepard. Thanks to his eidetic memory, he can stretch their time into forever. It isn't real but it is. His lungs strangle him, refuse him air until he burns. Shepard had much the same effect.
Mordin warned them of expressing their affection. She made jokes about the hallucinations. He's a serious man. He worried about laughter during their intimate time together, what would happen the moment their flesh and tongues made contact against one another. They were left feverish, burning for one another. It was a daze both were happy to be lost in.
He remains at Huerta Memorial Hospital. His Siha has a hard road ahead of her. He fears they are not delivering his messages to her. He mourns any loss of peace she may have. She sacrifices constantly and asks for nothing. He worries and hopes that she has found another.
The peaceful skies of the Citadel are illusory. He spends his remaining days with Kolyat. His heart overflows with pride and love for him.
These days it's Shepard who fills him. When he does not meditate he falls at the feet of her memory. Be alive with me tonight, Thane.
The words were clumsy. They lacked the prose of his usual meditations, the works of art he reflects on, but they pierced him more deeply than any bullet or blade. That night they spent together is the reason he lives. He gets some satisfaction in proving the doctors wrong but it won't be long now. They won't be wrong forever. He knows he won't live long enough to see her finish this war. If she came to him now, would he be capable of being a lover to her? The doctors urge caution. It would be an unearned end-- one he doesn't deserve. He smiles thinking of it before his smile falters. No doubt the end would upset her.
He exhales softly, the air burning like fire in his lungs. Tu-fira. He is drowning in her.