Chapter Text
It was just like it had all been before.
Sitting in the parking lot, by herself. One hand resting on the steering wheel, another clutched to her purse. For some reason she had those nervous scared butterflies surging around inside of her even though rationally, she didn’t need to feel that way. She had no reason to be scared, because it was different this time.
Tucked under her hand was a small appointment card with a date two weeks out scribbled on the front. Gwen turned to tuck it into the side pocket of her purse but her eyes caught onto it, staring at it instead. She let out a breath, the reality slowly beginning to hit her. It was almost as if her entire life flashed before her eyes, thinking of all the plans, commitments, everything they had going on that might need to wait, change, or postpone. She knew in her head it was something that would happen eventually, but she really didn’t think it would happen so suddenly. Then there was the media - oh god, the media. It was overwhelming to just think about it.
To add to the madness, they were boarding a plane within the next 24 hours bound to San Francisco to get married.
This had all started a few days before, when she couldn’t zip up the dress she bought for the wedding. It wasn’t like her to be bloated, her lower abdomen suddenly protruding enough to make the dress uncomfortable set off an alarm in her head. She remembered standing and staring at herself in front of her full length mirror; just in her bra and underwear, a bewildered look on her face as she started getting upset. Why now? Why was her body not cooperating now? Forty something years and then all of a sudden it wants to do its own thing, retain water, or whatever, to make her feel and look like this? She didn’t know if it was her getting upset that sent the wave of nausea at the time or if it was something else, but she was soon hunched over the toilet, trying to catch her breath. Trying to hold herself together. Out of the blue, the idea that she could have been pregnant hit her like a ton of bricks. It was off to the drug store as she grabbed one of every brand of test before she found herself back in the bathroom, after chugging water and waiting. She took ten altogether. And they all said the same thing.
She had called and begged her doctor to get her in before they took off to Northern California, and now it was official.
Gwen pushed her car into drive, and slowly began to make her way home.
It was a weird, sinking feeling she felt and couldn’t explain as she pulled into their driveway about ten minutes later. She stared at the front door for a minute before getting out of the car and opening the door to their home. The sounds of a kid’s TV show and the microwave buzzing from the kitchen came suddenly as she turned the lock.
“Baby, are you back already?”
Blake popped out of the kitchen and appeared in the hallway with a small kitchen towel in his hands and a soft smile on his features. Gwen looked back to him with a quick, small smile before her gaze fell and she walked up to him.
“Did Pollo eat dinner?” she asked, her eyes looking over to the little one watching TV.
“Vegetables and all,” Blake said with a grin. “I’m pretty good at that, ya know.”
“You are,” she agreed.
“So, you wanna talk to me and tell me why you’ve been so distant these past few days? You’re starting to worry me, Gwen. Why are you so stressed?”
Gwen let out a breath and pushed her lips together.
“Is it me? Do you not…do you not want to get married anymore?”
His words immediately grabbed her attention and her head jerked away from Apollo and towards him immediately to meet his gaze. “Blake…oh my god, no, absolutely not, that’s not it.” Now she was the one that was getting worried. She hated hearing things like that from him even if he wasn’t saying them. “We just…we just have a lot going on. There’s work. I haven’t started packing for us for San Francisco and…” she let out a frustrated breath. “My…my dress doesn’t fit anymore and I’m just really not looking forward to having to get that fixed before we leave.”
She didn’t know why she couldn’t just say it. She didn’t know why she had this horrible feeling in her gut, or why she was having so many triggers and flashbacks to the past. She felt crazy. She felt certifiably insane. Gwen knew she had a bad habit at pushing others away when she actually needed them most out of guilt, but it was just a habit she hadn’t been able to break a hundred percent, not even with Blake.
He didn’t say a word, and a moment later she felt his arms gently move around her frame, and her head rested against his chest without thought. Blake’s hand moved gently up and down her back, and he only dared to speak once he felt her relax a bit into him.
“You’re the most beautiful woman in the entire world, Gwen Stefani,” he said, then kissed the top of her head. “I love the way you are. Besides, sometimes you look too thin for your own good.”
“You don’t have to say those things, you know.”
“I don’t say them because I think I have to. I say them because I mean them.” He paused, feeling as if maybe she wasn’t in the mood for the compliments; god knew that it was nearly impossible for her to take them even when she was in the best of spirits. “I heated up some leftover pasta. Come on, let’s get some dinner in you.”
“I can’t stand the thought of food right now,” she said immediately, shaking her head, before looking up to him. “Would you mind just…fixing me some tea? I need to sit down.”
“You’re not feeling well again?” his hand laid across her forehead, then to her cheek.
“I’m just really tired, that’s all. I’m okay, I promise it’s just…you know how crazy work has been lately and I’m not going to be productive trying to plan and pack right now so I think sitting down for a bit is my next best option.”
He was giving her a look of worry, which pulled at her guilt even more. Gwen pressed up on her toes and placed a kiss on his lips. Blake’s arms tightened around her and held her against him. She touched the tip of her nose to his and gave him a small smile. “I love you, baby. Don’t worry so much about me.”
“Gwen, I can barely even sleep when we’re not together because I don’t know where you are. You need to face the fact that you’re stuck with someone that will forever worry about you, no matter what.”
She pecked another kiss on his lips and set her heels back on the ground, and turned to walk to the couch but not before Blake’s hand reached to her arm. “Gwen, are you sure there’s not something you want to talk about?”
Gwen wasn’t sure if it was his persistence that was getting to her or something else but she felt herself cringe and shut her eyes tight as if she was going to cry and she was trying to prevent it. She shot her eyes up to the ceiling and huffed, shaking her head. “God, I don’t know why I’m like this, I shouldn’t be like this. Literally you’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve never done anything to make me question anything about you and I’m still a mess.” She let out a nervous laugh as her eyes met his, and the guilt hit her again as the perfect, sweet man in front of her only looked more worried by the second.
“Come on,” he said softly, his hand moving to her lower back to lead her to the couch. They both sat down and Apollo perked up realizing they had come in the room and he grinned and ran over to the couch. Gwen grinned through her teary eyes and reached forward a bit and pulled the toddler up on her lap and kissed his cheeks.
“Blake, I’m really sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“You don’t deserve all of this. I just…I feel really off and I’ve been having some flashbacks to…you know…him…and it’s like I’ve been letting him ruin all of this for no reason when he’s not even around anymore, he can’t hurt us anymore and…and we have you. You, Blake, who is wonderful and loves us so much and has never done anything to hurt us.”
“You don’t need to apologize for your past, baby,” he said immediately in response. “I know what you’ve been through. I know that you’re still working past some things and those things take time.” He gave her a soft smile. “Thank you for trusting me to tell me how you’re feeling. Can I do anything to help?”
Gwen nodded her head a little as her eyes met his. She repositioned Apollo a bit so she could move towards Blake, cuddling up to him and tugging the toddler onto his lap, too. “Just this,” she said confidently.
Blake grinned. “You know I love holding my family like this.”
“I think it’s more than you realize…”
“What was that?”
She hesitated. “You’re holding three of us right now, Blake. And we’re your family.”
Typical guy, it took him a few minutes to piece her words together. But the moment it hit him what she meant, it was so obvious as the biggest, most excited grin and look of shock mixture came across his face. “Are you saying that you’re…?!”
It was his over the top excitement that washed the insecurities away as she grinned up to him.
“But wait, are you…you know, sure this time? Have you seen a doctor?”
“I uhm…yeah, I did…” she sat up abruptly, and gently moved part of Apollo off of her and fully onto Blake. “Take him please I’ll be right back…” she said in a hurry, practically jumping out of his lap and rushing off to the small half bath across the hall. The door shut and Gwen turned the fan on which drowned out most of the noise. She returned a few minutes later, sitting next to them on the couch again.
“See? And it all makes sense…dress not fitting, nausea...fun, fun times,” she said with a chuckle.
“How do you feel about this?” he asked her seriously.
“Blake, you know how much I want a family with you. How much I want to give you children. That hasn’t changed.”
“You just don’t seem…as excited….as I thought you would be.”
“It’s just been a weird day,” she admitted. “You know, I’ve gone through this before and you know that was a bad experience. I repeated some of the same motions without trying to. Finding out, going to the doctor alone, sitting in the car after and some of those feelings came back of guilt and pressure of being scared. Just triggered by everything that was happening, even though there’s no reason for them. I’m just caught in my head.” She paused. “And um, this time around it is different. It’s harder, because I’m older and hearing terms thrown around like “high risk pregnancy” is scary. Almost like I don’t want to get too excited because maybe this would get taken away from us.”
“I wish I would have known. I would have gone to the doctor with you.”
“I know you would have. I didn’t want you to be disappointed again, though. Last time I jumped to a conclusion when I was just sick and I know you were a little disappointed. I was too.”
“That doesn’t matter,” he tried reassuring her. “Because this is happening now and I’m always here for you, no matter what.” She smiled at his words and cuddled up to him a bit.
“So…girl or boy??” he asked excitedly, which just caused Gwen to laugh.
“Silly cowboy, you really have no idea how this works, huh?”
“Absolutely no idea at all,” he said with a sheepish grin. “Thank god I have a good teacher.” He paused, letting the silence in the air rest for a few moments. “Hey…you know we don’t have to go to San Francisco, right? Not if you’re not feeling up to it. We can go to the courthouse in LA to get married for all I care.”
“No, no, I still want to go,” she said. “I’ll be okay. We’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and it will be good to get away for a little while.”
“You sure?”
“Cross my heart."