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“C’mon Katsuki,” Todoroki exhales out after rushing out of a subway station. The cool night air hits his face as he runs and runs through a long, downhill street with his phone pressed against his ear. “Pick up, please.”
He sends quick apologies to those he accidentally bumped into. A few heads turn at the running figure, but Todoroki ignores the curious stares.
When Todoroki learned what happened in Bakugou’s latest mission, he immediately took the subway to Bakugou’s apartment block. He tried calling the other ten times without success.
When the annoying voice mail answers him for the eleventh time, Todoroki shoves his phone back into his pocket and just runs more even though his legs feel numb.
/
Six minutes pass before Todoroki hurriedly walks up the stairs to Bakugou's place and fumbles for the spare key Bakugou had given him last year. He jams the key into the lock. It takes three tries before he finally swings the door open and walks over the threshold.
The living room is dark and feels cold. When he flicks the light switch beside the door to light up the darkness, he stills at the sight that greets him. Though at the end, he’s not that surprised. Broken lamps, pillows, and newspapers litter the floor. The chabudai is upside down and a smashed phone lies on the ground next to the short-legged table. Well, that explains why he didn’t pick up.
It’s quiet, and only Todoroki’s shallow, rapid breaths fill the room. It’s like the calm after the storm, Todoroki thinks as he looks around.
Anyone else would think that someone broke into Bakugou’s apartment to vandalize it, but Todoroki knows better. He closes his eyes and sighs. He can see it, can see the scene play out in his mind: Bakugou trashing his own place, throwing his phone against the wall, flipping the chabudai over, screaming, breaking, destroying, and burning so brightly and dangerously before...
burning out completely.
Todoroki doesn’t bother to take off his shoes; he just carefully walks around the mess. The wooden floor creaks as he makes his way to the kitchen, which is no better than the living room. Shattered dishes scatter across the floor while empty tupperwares and jars lay haphazardly in the cabinets.
He shifts his gaze to the table, noticing how some of the wooden chairs are missing legs. The costs of Bakugou buying replacements for almost everything makes Todoroki internally wince. At least the chabudai remains intact.
He steps out of the kitchen and strides down the hallway to check Bakugou’s room. Clean. Not destroyed. There’s no one in sight though, so Todoroki leaves the room and keeps looking.
He stops short in front of the door of the only room he hasn’t checked yet: the bathroom. His hand rests on the doorknob as he counts to ten and breathes deeply to prepare for whatever sight life will throw at him.
Todoroki slowly opens the door and searches the room. The floor is wet. The mirror is slightly foggy. But nothing is destroyed, he quickly observes before his eyes finally settle on the sight of Bakugou who is currently… sitting in the half-filled tub with clothes on.
Bakugou’s wearing a black shirt and jeans that cling onto his body. It doesn’t look like he cares, though. He sits with his knees bent and his back against the tiled wall. His hand clutches the bath plug while he watches the water drain away with tired and unblinking eyes. The transfixed look in those crimson eyes makes Todoroki falter.
Todoroki slowly approaches the tub and kneels on the wet rug, ignoring his discomfort.
“What are you doing, Katsuki?” He asks, his voice low but soft.
Bakugou doesn’t respond at first, doesn’t even look at Todoroki. Todoroki waits and waits.
He listens to the quiet, slow drain as he stares at Bakugou’s pale skin, which is slightly pink from the bath. The bath must have been recent.
Sweat beads trickle down Bakugou’s face before plopping into the tub.
Drip drop.
Drip drop.
Then, Todoroki’s eyes linger on Bakugou’s arms. To his dismay, they look slightly smaller- less muscular. Is he eating properly? Is he exercising?
Five minutes later, Bakugou smiles wryly at nothing and says hoarsely, “Her screams…I can still hear them.”
Her? Todoroki’s eyebrows furrow, but he just waits for Bakugou to continue. “I didn’t want to hear her screams anymore, so I took a bath.”
Then it finally clicks. Her: the person Bakugou couldn’t save today.
“Did it work?” Todoroki asks.
Todoroki doesn’t question the coping method. This is just another one in the list underneath sex, alcohol, and... turning your apartment into a wreck.
Bakugou nods without looking at Todoroki.
“I think she was in middle school. She was wearing a red shirt. The shade of it was lighter than her blood…” Bakugou says in a taut voice.
Todoroki sighs, but still listens as Bakugou describes the people he wasn’t able to save. Bakugou always does this. And he always speaks of them so vividly, it makes something in Todoroki’s chest twist. Todoroki supposes Bakugou does this alleviate to his guilt-to keep the dead alive by remembering them. Another coping strategy.
But it sounds more painful to remember in his opinion.
“...She screamed so loudly before she- before she fucking died in front of me!” Bakugou’s frustration raises his voice every second that Todoroki can no longer hear the drain of the tub. “I was on the ground and I just... watched as her head lolled over at a really bad angle!”
Stop, Katsuki.
Todoroki keeps listening even though the only thing he wants to do right now is his place his hand on Bakugou’s shoulder, maybe even hold his hand, but he knows when the other needs some space.
“And I know I defeated the villain! But I don’t feel like I...” Bakugou’s voice trails off and his eyes widen slightly.
Todoroki’s mind fills in the blank easily: I don’t feel like I won, like number one.
Bakugou continues to describe what happened, never going back to finish that sentence.
And for a moment, just for a moment, there’s a look in Bakugou’s tired eyes, like he wants to cry. But Bakugou won’t cry. He’ll sigh heavily, he’ll stare into space, he’ll even blink away a few frustrated tears, but he won’t cry. Sometimes Todoroki wishes Bakugou did cry though.
And Todoroki can hear the grip on the bath plug tighten. He can hear Bakugou’s teeth gritting against each other. He can hear Bakugou’s voice starting to sound like the shattered glass and plates in the kitchen.
So Todoroki finally cuts him off gently when the other talks about another person who died. “That’s enough, Katsuki.”
And Bakugou does stop. He’s not even mad about being interrupted; Todoroki wants him to be mad. Instead, the ash-blond male leans his head back with closed eyes and breathes deeply. He doesn’t look peaceful at all.
When the tub is finally empty, Todoroki stands up and extends his arm to Bakugou, who looks too tired to stand up.
Bakugou languidly stares at the proffered hand. His crimson eyes look a little less empty, Todoroki notes. Good. Then, Bakugou finally meets Todoroki’s eyes before smiling wryly again. “I can’t believe the last time you came over, we were fucking. And now you’re helping me out of a bath tub.”
Todoroki doesn’t laugh and Bakugou sighs before accepting the hand wordlessly. When Bakugou is out of the tub, he changes into different clothes. He, surprisingly, lets Todoroki towel-dry his damp hair.
It feels intimate. More intimate than sex, Todoroki thinks as he gently presses the towel against the ash-blond hair.
After Bakugou’s hair is dry, they brush their teeth. Todoroki usually comes over to Bakugou’s place two or three times a month. Sometimes he spends the night, so he has his own toothbrush there.
They walk through the hallway. Before they enter Bakugou’s bedroom, Todoroki turns to take one last glance at the wreck in the living room and sighs. He understands why Bakugou did it. It’s easier for him to be angry than to be sad. It feels better, makes Bakugou feel powerful. But when all the rage is gone...he ends up drained, burned out, which never fails to send shivers up Todoroki’s spine.
“I’m gonna sleep,” Bakugou says in a rough voice, while reading the clock on the drawer besides his bed: 11:39 PM
"You can borrow my clothes if you want.” Bakugou lazily gestures to his closet, while climbing onto his bed. Todoroki nods silently as Bakugou pulls the blanket over his body.
Bakugou tosses and turns a lot while Todoroki watches him. He doesn’t know if Bakugou is asleep, but he silently prays for Bakugou to sleep without getting nightmares, to not hear the screams ever again.
An hour passes. Todoroki sits on the floor with his back leaning against the side of the bed as he gazes outside the window. Dark, thin clouds drift across the night sky and partially obscure the beauty of the moon.
Another hour passes. Todoroki turns his body to look at Bakugou and lets out a shaky breath. Then, his low whispers fill the cold, dark room.
“I care about you...a lot. It really scares me. But seeing you like this scares me even more. Sometimes I know exactly what to do, but then there are times when...it’s just too much for the both of us and I don’t know what to do, so I just freeze and stare. I just stare as the fire in you die out. I think... ” Todoroki gently runs his fingers through Bakugou’s hair, nails brushing lightly over the scalp. “I would do anything see you light up again Katsuki.”
If Bakugou is awake, the ash-blond male doesn’t say anything back. Todoroki doesn’t expect him to. He faces the window again and his eyes finally feel the weight of exhaustion. Todoroki doesn’t talk a lot. Bakugou doesn’t talk a lot. They don’t usually make small talk with each other and they’re both okay with that. Now he feels all talked out even if no one was listening. He closes his eyes and it doesn’t take too long for him to drift off to sleep.
/
Todoroki wakes up with a stiff neck and a soft blanket over his body. He turns his head to look at the bed behind him. No blanket. No Bakugou.
Todoroki pulls the blanket off and realizes he forgot to change last night. He stands up, massages his neck to work the kinks out, and checks the time with his phone. It reads 5:38 AM. Too early to be awake.
After making the bed, he walks down the hallway to look for Bakugou and stops short when he hears water running from outside the bathroom.
Bakugou is taking another bath. While standing outside the door, Todoroki imagines Bakugou immersing his head in the water and sadly wonders if Bakugou can still hear the girl’s piercing screams.