Archive of Our Own

Dex recognizes that he came to Samwell with some opinions that were...pretty problematic. But he’s working on it. Really, he is. In his defense, he comes from a conservative town in Maine that’s as small as it is small-minded. His mom had taught him to be kind to everyone he met, of course, no matter who they were, but it wasn’t exactly like she’d given him a run-down on the social justice issues of the world. He’d never really taken the opportunity to learn about people different from him just because he didn’t know anybody who was different from him. He watched the news, sure, but most of the lessons in politics he received were from his brother, who would rattle off the bullshit he’d heard on Fox News at every opportunity.

Samwell’s small, liberal arts environment is a lot different from what Dex is used to, to say the least. It takes Dex a little while to realize that a lot of the opinions he’s developed over the years are pretty bigoted, and it takes even longer to admit that out loud to others. Shitty’s daily social justice lectures certainly helped, of course, but Dex still struggles with understanding the concept of privilege and different social issues he’s never stopped to think about before. He’s trying, though, and he thought he was doing pretty well, too, until he realized he had a major problem named Derek Malik Nurse.

Dex doesn’t realize it’s a problem until the spring semester of their junior year. In fact, Dex had thought that his problems with Nursey were over. Sure, they still get on each other’s nerves every now and then, but things are a lot better than they were when they had first moved in together. Dex and Nursey had been at each other’s throats for a good month and a half, until they’d had a huge fight that had them screaming so loud that they woke up the entire Haus. Frustrated, Chowder had locked the two of them in their room and refused to unlock the door until they had “sorted their shit out.”

At first, Nursey and Dex had refused to speak to one another. But after a couple of hours, they finally offered tentative apologizes to one another, and by the time Chowder had unlocked the door, they hadn’t stopped talking once. Nursey and Dex had talked about everything -- how they took their coffee, their mutual hatred of mustard, their opinions on the last episode of Lost (“No, Poindexter, they were not dead the whole time.”)

But they had discussed bigger things, too -- like what it was like for Dex to grow up white and poor with a single mom and what it was like for Nursey to grow up rich but with a black mom and a Muslim mom. When Chowder unlocked the door later that day, their problems hadn’t automatically gone away. But something had changed, and Nursey and Dex had at least reached a truce, which later budded into a tentative friendship.

Dex had judged Nursey at first glance and built him up to be a person in his head who, in real life, he hadn’t turned out to be at all, and Dex is pretty sure Nursey had done the same thing to him. In the end, it turns out that Dex and Nursey have a lot to learn from one another. Dex feels like he’s changed a little since that day, too -- he tries to be more understanding and not so quick to judge, and he tries to remember that just because he’s had it hard in some areas of his life, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t also been privileged in others. Dex has noticed a change in Nursey, too -- he’s less likely to make off-hand comments about money that can come across as insensitive, and he’s started listening to Dex rather than try to argue with him.

By December, Dex has reached the point where he can honestly refer to Nursey as one of his best friends. Rooming with Nursey isn’t as bad as Dex had originally expected, either. Nursey and Dex have each other’s coffee orders memorized in case of emergency, and on nights when they feel too lazy to walk to the dining hall, they order pizza and watch The Office in their room, instead. They talk a lot, too -- about things that bother them, things that make them happy, and which Disney movies make them cry the most. Dex is surprised at how much Nursey has opened up to him; the chill facade that Nursey puts on when he pretends to be unaffected by everything is something that Dex hasn’t seen in months. Dex has opened up to Nursey a lot, too, and has probably revealed more about himself to Nursey than anyone else on the team (except for Chowder, of course.) Honestly, it’s really nice, in a way that Dex didn’t ever think things with Nursey would be.

It isn’t until Nursey starts seeing someone that Dex realizes there may be a slight problem.

Nursey has never hidden his sexuality, though it takes Dex a little while to understand what “pansexual” means. Nursey explains it to him one night after a kegster. “It just means you’re attracted to people regardless of gender,” he says. “So I guess I don’t really have ‘a type,’ you know? It’s just guys, girls, non-binary people, whatever.”

Dex has never really had a problem with it. Frankly, he doesn’t care who Nursey is boning, so long as they don’t infringe on his personal space. But so far, Dex hasn’t really had to worry about it. Nursey hasn’t dated anyone all year, and Dex doesn’t think he’s hooked up with anyone, either, because there’s never been a sock over their door. Dex is beginning to think that he won’t have to worry about Nursey and his potential partner infringing on Dex’s space at all, until Nursey announces that he’s seeing someone in March.

The guy is named Leo, and Nursey met him in the post-modernism class they have together. According to Nursey, Leo is originally from Mexico, but he moved to the United States when he was ten. He’s a junior and he’s double majoring in Political Science and English, and he’s really hipster-y, just like the rest of Nursey’s English major friends. Leo wears a lot of plaid, lives in an apartment off campus, and has a pet rabbit named Stacey. Dex has only met Leo a couple of times -- he and Nursey have only been seeing each other for about a week, and Nursey hasn’t brought him by the Haus yet. “Don’t exactly want to scare him away,” Nursey had explained, and Chowder had laughed, but Dex had frowned, because if Leo wasn’t willing to put up with some slightly odd hockey players for Nursey, then maybe he didn’t deserve Nursey at all.

Okay, so maybe Dex isn't the biggest fan of Leo. But Dex isn’t the biggest fan of most people. Besides, Leo is nice enough, but he always seems to be touching Nursey: a hand on his hip or an arm around the back of his chair. All of this is normal couple behavior, Dex supposes, but the way Leo touches Nursey always comes off as really possessive, at least to Dex.

But, whatever. It’s Nursey’s relationship, not Dex’s, and if Leo is a little stuck-up and possessive, it isn’t really of any of Dex’s business, so long as Nursey is happy. And he seems to be, anyway.

On the day Dex’s problem first begins, he’s just gotten out of class. In a spur of the moment decision, Dex swings by Annie’s on the way back to the Haus, wanting to get a blueberry scone. They’re out, which is disappointing, so Dex gets a frappuccino for Nursey instead. He might as well put his trip to good use, and Nursey had bought Dex’s coffee last time, so it’s his turn to pay, anyway. Besides, Dex knows Nursey just got out of a really hard test that he’d been stressing about all week, so Dex figures Nursey could use a frappuccino.

“Hey, Nurse,” Dex calls as he walks down the hall to their room and lightly kicks the door open. “I got you a -- oh.”

Dex is cut off by the sight of Nursey and Leo spread across the bottom bunk in a rather compromising position, meaning Nursey’s shirt is halfway off his body and Leo’s hands are all over Nursey’s ass.

So much for wanting to keep Leo out of the Haus, Dex thinks in the midst of his shock.

“Uh,” Dex says lamely.

“Dude,” Nursey says, unimpressed. “Knock first?”

“What?” Dex splutters. “I -- I live here, what the fuck -- it's like, 10 o’clock --”

“So?” Leo asks, looking equally unimpressed, his hands still all over Nursey’s ass.

Sensing the inappropriateness of the situation, Nursey gently pries Leo’s hands off of his ass and turns back to Dex. “In my defense, I thought you were in class for another thirty minutes.”

“My professor let us out early, so I -- I really wanted a blueberry scone -- but like, they were out, so I figured I’d just -- ” Dex looks down at Nursey’s frappuccino, where the whipped cream is beginning to melt into the rest of the drink. For a second, Dex thinks this serves as a good metaphor for this currently horrifying situation, and then decides that he’s been spending way too much time with Nursey. He looks back at Nursey and Leo, who are still staring at him expectantly. Dex feels his face grow hot. “Right. Whatever. Uh. I mean -- this is yours -- so I’m just gonna -- you know, leave.”

Quickly, Dex sets Nursey’s drink down on the desk and stumbles out of the room. Dex thinks he hears Nursey call, “Thanks!” as he slams the door shut behind him.

Face burning, Dex marches down the hall and away from the room, feeling...well. Embarrassed at the intrusion, sure, but also...sort of angry and uncomfortable, like he saw something he didn't want to see.

“Yeah, my roommate’s tongue down some guy’s throat,” Dex scoffs, rolling his eyes, and quickly pushes the exchange from his mind.

--

Dex doesn’t bring up the awkward exchange from Friday, and Nursey doesn’t mention it, either. Dex had thought that maybe things would be awkward between them, but Nursey and Dex shift back into their normal routine almost like the encounter never happened at all. And if Dex tries his best to avoid eye contact with Leo, well, no one else has to know.

Things carry on as normal until that following Tuesday, when Dex’s Nursey problem makes a reappearance.

On Tuesday afternoons, Dex usually finds himself in the library. It started out as an accident -- he only has one class on Tuesdays that lets out at 2:30, and the library is right next to his building. Then Dex discovers that it’s easier to focus in the library than it is in his own room, so he starts going there more often than not on Tuesdays. Then Chowder starts coming with them so they can work on their homework together, and Nursey tags along because he needs a change of scenery for his poetry or something, and Farmer joins them because Chowder is there and she’s willing to do anything if it means getting away from her roommate, who is apparently insane.

So, what had started as an accident becomes a routine, with the four of them meeting at the library every Tuesday afternoon when Dex gets out of class. But then Chowder accepts a TA position for a class that meets at 3:00 and stops coming, and half the time Farmer can’t make it either because she has some extracurricular activity like SGA or volleyball practice or feminist book club. (Dex has no idea how Farmer keeps up with all of her extracurriculars without losing her mind. Nursey is convinced that it’s because Farmer is a superhero and honestly, Dex is starting to believe him.)

In short, Tuesday study sessions are slowly becoming a just-Dex-and-Nursey thing, but Dex doesn’t really mind. Nursey only has class in the mornings, so usually he waits outside Dex’s classroom and they walk to the library together. Today, when Dex leaves class, Nursey is looking at the Abraham Lincoln bulletin board on the other side of the hall, and when he turns to Dex, he smiles, and Dex smiles back, nudging his shoulder.

They walk to the library in companionable silence and grab their usual spot on the third floor, the area in the corner with the comfy chairs. “Oh, by the way,” Nursey says, and hands Dex a brown paper bag. “I stopped and got you a blueberry scone from Annie’s.”

Dex stares down at the bag. “Oh,” Dex says “Thanks.” Dex remembers rambling to Nursey about wanting a blueberry scone during his accidental interruption on Friday and wonders if Nursey will bring it up as an explanation. But he doesn’t, and if Nursey notices that Dex’s ears have gone a little pink, he doesn’t say anything about that, either.

They do their work in comfortable silence for about an hour, until Nursey groans loudly and says, “If I write anymore then my hands are gonna fall off. I’m taking a break.” He shoves his notebook off his lap and onto the floor and leans back in his seat, taking a long sip from his water bottle. Dex is a little tired, too, and he’s actually at a good stopping point, so he saves his coding project three times and then sets his laptop to the side.

“So,” Dex says as he unwraps his scone and takes a bite. It’s surprisingly still warm. “What are you writing about?”

“It’s for one of my poetry classes,” Nursey says. “We’re reading Walt Whitman, AKA the only white male poet I trust.”

Dex rolls his eyes, but it’s without malice. He’s heard Nursey rant about the lack of racial representation in the literary canon so much that honestly, he gets it.

“Anyway, you know, he was super into, like, writing poetry about everyone, not just the rich white people, which is what everyone else was writing about, but isn’t exactly a reflection of the real world, you know?” Nursey says. “Like, he wrote a lot about how everyone was connected, even people that were really different from each other. TBH, he was actually really influential and innovative. Like, he really changed the game for poetry and stuff.” He suddenly looks up, and then looks sort of sheepish, as if he suddenly realized he was rambling. “I don’t know. Anyway, the point is, we’re supposed to be writing poetry that encompasses everyone and shows like a sense of connectedness to the people around us. It’s just kinda cool, I guess.”

“It is cool,” Dex agrees, and Nursey looks back down at his water bottle with a shy smile. Dex really doesn’t ever know exactly what Nursey is talking about when he’s discussing poetry, but it’s still nice to hear him get so passionate about something -- especially because Nursey pretends to be so chill around everyone else. Dex wonders briefly if Nursey feels comfortable enough to get passionate around Leo yet, and then decides that’s a weird thing to think about, and abruptly pushes the thought away.

“Anyway,” Nursey says, waving a hand. “How was class?”

“It was good,” Dex says. “But remember that one girl, Monica?”

“Is she the one who was convinced that the Civil War didn’t actually start because of slavery?” Nursey asks, and Dex grimaces and nods. “Oh, God. What did she do now?”

Dex launches into his weekly story of how Monica has managed to be the stupidest person he’s ever had a class with, and is finally getting to the good part when he’s interrupted by the sound of someone thudding into the chair next to him.

“Hey, guys,” Leo says, grinning.

“Hey!” Nursey says. “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to grab a book for class, but then I saw you guys so I thought I’d stop by,” Leo says. His eyebrows suddenly furrow in concern. “I wasn’t interrupting anything, was I?”

“Not really,” Nursey says, and Dex feels himself start to bristle, because Dex was definitely in the middle of something, so interrupting was exactly what Leo was doing, but then Nursey glances over at him. “Dex was in the middle of telling me a story about this annoying girl in his American History class, though.”

Leo turns his attention to Dex, and Dex falters. All of the sudden he feels like he’s the third wheel in this group, the unnecessary add-on, even though he’s been sitting here longer than Leo has. “Nah, it’s okay,” Dex says. “I was pretty much done, and it wasn’t that interesting, anyway.”

Nursey frowns and opens his mouth to say something, but then Leo says, “Well, I have an interesting story,” and immediately launches into a story about a guy in his Gender and Politics class. Dex doesn’t actually find the story particularly funny, but Nursey laughs the whole time, leaning on Leo’s arm.

Nursey and Leo are dating, so they’re entitled to a little bit of flirting and PDA. But Dex isn’t sure why, exactly, they feel the need to do it right in front of him. They’re in the library, after all, and Dex actually sort of needs to get back to studying soon, but he doesn’t know how to open his laptop without looking rude. And Nursey and Leo aren’t even bothering to include him in their conversation, so Dex just has to sit there and awkwardly watch them, like an idiot, which is really inconsiderate, especially since Dex was here before Leo was.

Leo only stays a few more minutes before he has to run off to class, and he stops to kiss Nursey on the cheek before he leaves. Nursey smiles, pleased, and suddenly Dex feels sort of sick.

Nursey glances over at Dex and raises his eyebrows. “Dude. You okay?”

Dex glances down at his lap to see that he’s clenched his fists without realizing it. He slowly flattens his palms on his knees, forcing himself to relax. “Yeah. Fine.”

Nursey and Dex head back to the Haus once Dex has finished his project about an hour later. They talk about their upcoming game on the way there, but Dex still can’t shake the weird feeling rooted in the pit of his stomach. As soon as Leo had sat down, Dex had felt unsettled, and even a little angry. Yeah, Nursey and Leo had been flirting right in front of him, but so what? They’re dating, and Nursey is Dex’s friend. Why should a little PDA bother him? Chowder and Farmer kiss in front of Dex all the time, and he’s never cared.

Maybe you wouldn’t care if Nursey was dating a girl instead of a guy, a voice that sounds suspiciously like his older brother whispers in the back of Dex’s head.

But that’s ridiculous. Dex had some homophobic tendencies in the past, but he’s moved past that. And anyway, he had been uncomfortable around Farmer at first, especially when he and Chowder had made plans together just the two of them and Farmer had tagged along. Dex is just a clingy friend.

I just don’t know Leo well enough yet, Dex reasons. And anyway, Nursey and Leo had been flirting right in front of Dex whilst generally ignoring his existence. That would’ve pissed Dex off regardless of who Nursey was dating. Dex just needs a couple of weeks to get to know Leo, and for Nursey not to shove his relationship in his face. Then everything would be fine.

--

Three days have passed since Leo interrupted Dex and Nursey at the library, and things are not fine.

Dex has long since abandoned the idea that he feels uncomfortable around Leo because he’s not used to him yet, because it seems that Dex is around Leo all the time. This is largely due to the fact that everyone else in the Haus loves him. Bitty has already learned Leo’s favorite pie flavor (coconut, by the way), and Leo always thanks Bitty profusely when he makes it. He’s also a pro at Mario Kart, apparently, and Tango and Whiskey are always trying to convince Leo to play with them. Additionally, he spends a lot of his time in Dex and Nursey’s room, studying or watching Netflix with Nursey. Dex feels pretty damn used to Leo, at least -- except no matter how hard he tries, Dex can’t spend any time with him without feeling unbearably angry or uncomfortable or some horrible combination of the two.

It’s even worse when it’s both Leo and Nursey. At first, Dex thinks maybe he’s only uncomfortable because Nursey and Leo are always flirting and holding hands right in front of him, almost like they’re bragging about the fact that they’re in a relationship and Dex is single. However, that Friday at breakfast, Dex figures out this is not the case when he sees Nursey and Leo on the other side of the dining hall kissing in front of God and everyone.

It isn’t an indecent kiss by any means, but it isn’t exactly a simple peck, either, and when Nursey pulls away, he’s grinning. Suddenly, the room feels too hot and Dex’s palms feel sweaty, and all he can think about is how Nursey has a full stack of pancakes on his plate that he hasn’t even touched, and they’re going to get cold if Nursey doesn’t stop macking on his boyfriend.

It isn’t until Dex is walking to class later that he realizes his reaction didn’t make sense. Nursey and Leo weren’t flaunting their relationship in his face; in fact, they were all the way on the other side of the room. They weren’t inconveniencing Dex in any way, so why does he find himself so angry about the idea of Nursey kissing his boyfriend?

Oh, shit, Dex thinks, suddenly coming to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. I’m homophobic.

During class, Dex tries to come up with another explanation. He can’t be homophobic. He might have been, a little, at the beginning of freshman year, but Shitty and the rest of the team had drilled that out of his head. He still feels angry when he remembers the jokes his uncles would tell at family reunions, and he was nothing but supportive of Bitty and Jack when they came out.

But when Dex thinks about the small, shy smile on Nursey’s face after Leo had kissed him, all he can think about is how much he wants to punch something.

Fuck, Dex thinks.

--

So, the reason Dex feels uncomfortable around Nursey and Leo is because he’s being homophobic. It takes a little while, but eventually, Dex comes to terms with it.

Dex’s next course of action is coming up with a plan to get over it.

His first idea is exposure. Dex knows, logically, that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but apparently, his mind hasn’t yet accepted that. So Dex decides that forcing his mind to get used to the idea is the best next step. He starts by reading a lot of scholarly articles about homosexuality and stealing a young adult book featuring a gay protagonist from Nursey’s bookshelf when he isn’t looking. He’s also forced himself to spend as much time around Nursey, and, by extension, Leo, as he possibly can. The same uncomfortable clenching in his gut he gets every time Nursey and Leo so much as glance at each other hasn’t gone away yet, but Dex figures it’s gotta take some time, right?

When nothing has changed by Wednesday, Dex is starting to feel a little nervous. He’d originally been hanging out with Nursey as part of his overexposure plan, but now he’s doing it out of a sense of guilt more than anything else. He has to make up for the fact that he’s a shitty friend somehow, and if the only way he can think to do that is hang out with Nursey 24/7, then so be it. That’s why when Nursey claims he’s sick of dining hall food, Dex agrees to go with him to Jerry’s for dinner, even though he’d been originally looking forward to staying in that night.

“It’s like they think we’re fine with eating pizza for every single meal,” Nursey says at their usual booth at Jerry’s, cutting up his waffles all at once so that his plate is just a giant mess of soggy waffles. “I know we’re college students, but like, every meal? Come on. And it’s always just cheese or pepperoni. Where’s the variety? Throw some Hawaiian pizza in there or something.”

Dex wrinkles his nose. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those heathens who likes pineapple on pizza.”

Nursey points his fork at Dex. “Take it back.”

“Never.” Nursey narrows his eyes further, which might have looked more intimidating if he didn’t have syrup dripping down his chin. “Dude,” Dex says, rolling his eyes. “How exactly do you manage to get syrup all over your face every time?”

Nursey grins sheepishly and grabs a napkin, rubbing it all over his face. “Better?”

Dex snorts. “Not even slightly.” Leaning across the table, Dex dabs at Nursey’s chin and nose. “Can’t even clean your face up,” Dex mutters, going for an exasperated tone but knowing it probably comes out fonder than he intends it to. When he throws his napkin to the side, however, Nursey is absolutely still, staring at him with a strange look on his face.

“What?” Dex asks.

“Oh,” Nursey says. “Uh. Nothing.”

Dex is unconvinced, but he doesn’t say anything.

A couple of minutes later, after Nursey and Dex have resumed their argument about pineapple pizza, their waitress returns to their table with their checks. Or, actually, just one check, because Nursey and Dex’s meals have been placed on one ticket. “Oh, sorry, but if you don’t mind,” Dex says to their waitress, a perky brunette wearing a bright blue apron, “Could you put us on two separate bills?”

“Oh yeah, sure! Sorry!” The waitress -- Jane, her name tag says -- grabs the bill from their table, waving a hand. “Usually people on dates just want one ticket but I shouldn’t have assumed anything. Going dutch is still a thing, isn’t it?”

It takes Dex a couple of minutes to catch on before he laughs awkwardly. “Oh...we’re not --”

But Dex is immediately cut off by the sound of Nursey loudly choking on his waffle. Dex gives him a concerned look, and Nursey hacks a few more times, then clears his throat and says, “Sorry. I’m fine, but, uh,” he shoots a look at Dex, and then quickly looks away. “This isn’t a date,” Nursey tells the waitress, his voice sounding a little hoarse.

“Oh!” Jane the waitress blushes. “I’m so sorry -- I just assumed -- I mean, you two seemed --”

Dex feels his ears turn pink. Him and Nursey? Nursey is...well, and Dex...and it doesn’t even matter, because Nursey would never be interested him anyway...and why would he be, when Dex is straight, and…

“Uh,” Jane the waitress says eloquently, looking between Dex, who is rapidly growing pinker, and Nursey, who appears to be frozen. “I’ll just go get these checks separated.”

“You do that,” Dex says.

--

“Pretty awkward, huh?” Dex says as they make their way out of Jerry’s.

“Yeah. Kinda,” Nursey agrees. He hasn’t said much since the two of them paid for their meals, just some vague stuttering noises. To be honest, Dex isn’t quite sure what to make of Nursey’s reaction, but he has enough on his plate as it is, so he figures it’s something he can think about later.

Dex decides to change the subject. “Do you think it’s too early to start our movie marathon?”

Dex, Chowder, and Nursey had started the tradition of Wednesday Frog Movie Nights last semester, though with their busy schedules, it was sometimes hard to meet every week. A couple of weeks ago, they’d watched the first live-action Scooby Doo movie, and Dex is adamant that they watch Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed this time, especially after learning that Nursey has never seen it. Chowder had almost had a conniption when he’d found out.

Nursey’s grin is immediate. “I’m sure Chowder would be up for it. But don’t you have some coding project you need to get started on?”

Dex shrugs. “It’s not due until next Thursday. It’ll be okay if I start tomorrow.”

“Aw, Dexy!” Nursey cries, flinging his arm around Dex’s neck. “You’re finally learning to procrastinate like the rest of us!”

Dex feels his face grow hot at the sudden attention and his new proximity to Nursey, and struggles to break out of his grasp. “Well don’t say it like that,” he grumbles.

Nursey ruffles Dex’s hair once before dropping his arm. “I know, I know. But seriously, I’m glad you’ve learned how to relax and take things easy, you know?”

Dex ducks his head. “Yeah, I know. I have you to thank for that, I guess.”

Nursey stops. “Wait, really?”

“Well, yeah,” Dex shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, I know that half the time you’re not as chill as you pretend to be.” At this, Nursey looks affronted. “But you’ve helped me...I don’t know. I mean, you always tell me not to stress so much about the things I can’t change, so I guess at some point I just started listening.”

“Huh,” Nursey says softly, and the two of them start walking again. “I didn’t know I was doing anything to help,” Nursey admits, and then he laughs, but the sound is dry. “Usually I just make everything worse.”

Dex wants to tell Nursey that he’s wrong. That Nursey is clumsy and maybe sometimes a little annoying but he makes a lot of things better, like studying and hockey and movie nights. Dex also wants to admit that Nursey has no idea how important his friendship is to Dex, because Dex is an idiot who doesn’t know how to properly express his feelings and emotions, and that maybe Nursey deserves a friend who tells Nursey how important he is and isn’t a bigoted piece of shit who can’t be supportive of Nursey’s relationship or his happiness.

But all Dex manages to say is, “Well. I guess not everything.”

But Nursey smiles and nudges his shoulder all the same, and they continue their walk back to the Haus in comfortable silence, until Dex hears a familiar shout and turns to see Leo jogging towards them.

“Hey, guys!” Leo says cheerfully. Leo says almost everything cheerfully, which never fails to make Dex feel like more and more of a dick. Dex tries to smile back at him, but he’s pretty sure it looks more like a scowl.

“Hey,” Nursey replies, smiling. Dex tries to ignore the sour taste in his mouth. “What are you up to?”

“Actually, one of my friends is giving a poetry reading at a coffee shop down the road from here, and I wanted to see if you wanted to come with. He’s really good,” Leo adds. Leo loves poetry, of course, just like Nursey. And of course he wants to do something with Nursey on Frog Movie Night, and Nursey will agree to go with him, and then Dex will have to pretend like it isn’t a big deal.

Dex is just beginning to wonder what Chowder will think when Nursey says, “Actually, Dex, Chowder, and I were supposed to have a movie night tonight.” Dex blinks, surprised, and looks over at Nursey, who won’t meet his gaze.

“Oh,” Leo says, sounding disappointed. “That’s...cool, I guess.”

“I already cancelled on them last week,” Nursey adds by means of explanation, which is true. Last minute, Nursey had decided to go out to eat with Leo instead, and Dex had tried very hard not to be bitter about it. It hadn’t really worked out.

“Well, we can always do something tomorrow,” Leo suggests. “But if I’m gonna make it, I better head out now. See you later?”

“Of course,” Nursey grins. Leo looks like he maybe he’s going to give Nursey a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, but then Nursey says, “See you,” and leaves Leo with only a wave.

Stunned, Dex follows after him. He tries to catch a glimpse of Nursey’s face, but he doesn’t look upset or anything, although the exchange Dex just watched was...definitely weird.

“You didn’t have to say no just for our sake,” Dex says finally as Nursey opens the door to the Haus. “Or you could’ve invited him to this. It’s just movie night. Chowder and I wouldn’t have minded.”

Nursey shrugs. “It’s not a big deal. And I kind of didn’t feel like going out, anyway.”

Dex hesitates. “Are you guys...okay?”

Nursey stops, giving Dex a calculated look. “Why would you care?”

Dex steps back. “I -- I was just asking.”

“We’re fine, Dex. Okay?” Nursey says.

“Okay,” Dex says. But he’s still thinking about it while he, Chowder, and Nursey watch Scooby and Shaggy sneak into the Faux Ghost, and he’s thinking about it later that night as he’s lying in bed.

The reason it’s so weird, Dex thinks, is because he’s never really seen Nursey pass up an opportunity to spend time with Leo before. At least, not for something like movie night, which they could always reschedule for the next week, anyway. Not to mention that Nursey had been acting weird all night, like the way he’d gone still when Dex had wiped his face, or the awkward silence after they’d left Jerry’s.

And then there was the way Nursey had acted when the waitress thought they were on a date. He’d looked a little nervous, and maybe even apprehensive. Of what? Dex? Did Nursey think Dex would be disgusted? Make a scene? Insist that he would never be interested in Nursey like that?

And is that why Nursey turned down Leo’s offer for a date? Was he worried Dex would be disgusted, then, too? Dex thought he was being subtle about his discomfort around Leo, but maybe he isn’t being subtle at all. Maybe Nursey knows and is too scared of Dex’s reaction to say anything.

Nursey probably knows everything, Dex thinks. Or if he doesn’t, he’ll figure it out soon. And will he do when he figures out that his best friend, can’t support him because he’s a bigoted, judgmental dick?

Dex thought maybe he could handle this problem by himself, but he clearly can’t. He needs someone to talk to, someone who won’t judge him, and someone who might know what to do.

All Dex is managing to do is screw everything up.

--

When Nursey is in class the next day, Dex finds Chowder in his room with Farmer watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Originally, Dex had been hoping to talk to Chowder alone, but he likes Farmer. She’s smart, and usually has good advice, but as Dex explains his problem, both she and Chowder are silent, looking contemplative.

“So...you think you’re homophobic because you don’t like Leo?” Chowder asks after Dex is finished.

“It’s not exactly that I don’t like him,” Dex explains, fiddling with a loose thread on his jeans. “It’s more that I don’t like it when he hangs out with Nursey.”

Chowder and Farmer exchange a glance. “And you think that makes you homophobic,” Farmer clarifies.

“I -- I think so?” Dex lets out a long sigh. “I don’t know. But whenever Nursey and Leo are together I just feel awful. Like, nauseous and angry and uncomfortable.” Chowder and Farmer are still watching him silently, and Dex shifts uncomfortably. “I know it sounds really bad and I’ve tried to...you know, stop, but nothing’s working.”

“I mean, it sounds bad, yeah,” Chowder agrees after a pause. “But I don’t know. Do you feel uncomfortable around Jack and Bitty?”

“No,” Dex admits. “But I’m not around them as much -- they’re my friends, but I’m not super close with them, you know? And they don’t do couple-y stuff around me that often, anyway, so it’s never...an inconvenience, I guess? But Nursey and I are friends, and we live together. I’m around Leo and him all the time.”

“I guess that makes a little bit of sense,” Chowder admits. “But I really don’t think you’re around Leo and Nursey much more than you’re around Jack and Bitty.”

“Do you feel uncomfortable when it’s just you and Nursey?” Farmer asks. Dex shakes his head. “Even when he’s talking about his sexuality?”

Dex frowns. “No.” It’s not like Nursey shies away from the topic of his sexuality, either -- he’s never seemed uncomfortable about letting people know he’s pansexual. “But like...seeing Nursey display his sexuality is different than hearing about it, right?”

“Maybe,” Farmer says, but she doesn’t sound convinced.

“I don’t know, Dex,” Chowder sighs, leaning back against his giant shark pillow. “Like yeah, when you first came to Samwell, you were kinda homophobic. You had some pretty shitty opinions in general, honestly.”

“Really shitty,” Farmer agrees.

“Thanks,” Dex says, deadpan.

“But,” Chowder continues. “I think you’ve let that go. Like, you’ve always been the one to make sure the tadpoles don’t tease Bitty and Jack too much about their relationship. And this team has a conversation about sexuality like once a day, and you’ve never looked uncomfortable during that. And it was your idea to give Jack and Bitty alone time last week.”

That was true. Jack had come down from Providence to visit Bitty, and Dex had known they hadn’t seen each other outside of Skype calls for over a month. Dex had been the one to suggest that everyone make themselves scarce that weekend, just so Bitty and Jack could have a little bit of time to themselves.

“Okay, but Bitty was upset, which meant his pie production had massively decreased,” Dex points out. “We were all suffering.”

“Dex.” Chowder says. “That’s not the point. What is this about?”

Dex sighs. “I just...I need advice, okay? Maybe I’m homophobic or maybe I’m not, maybe I’m just a huge dick. I don’t know. But I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nursey because I thought maybe I wasn’t used to Leo and Nursey together yet or whatever but it didn’t fucking work.” Dex runs his hands through his hair angrily. “It’s like every goddamn Fox News special my brother watched in high school got ingrained in my fucking brain or something.”

“Dex, it’s okay.” Farmer says reassuringly.

“No, it’s not!” Dex cries. “I should be able to hang out with my friend and his boyfriend without feeling like I’m going to puke, okay?”

“Dex,” Chowder says gently, climbing off the bed and sitting down next to Dex on the carpet. He opens his arms, and Dex sighs and leans into Chowder’s hug. Farmer gets up from her position on Chowder’s bed and joins them, wrapping her arm around Dex’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I blew up,” Dex sighs. “I’m just so -- ”

“You’re frustrated,” Farmer says understandingly. “We get it.”

Dex lets out a huff of air and then leans against the wall, Chowder and Farmer on either side of him. “Nursey’s my best friend, you know? Other than you, Chow, obviously.” Chowder smiles and nudges Dex’s shoulder. “I’m scared I’m going to lose him because I’m being a dick, and I don’t want to lose him.” Dex looks down. “He’s important to me.”

Farmer and Chowder are silent for a moment. “Dex,” Farmer says quietly. “Are you sure there’s not another reason you feel angry around Nursey and Leo?”

“What other reason would there be?” Dex asks in a tone that sounds miserable even to his own ears.

“Well,” Chowder says after a pause. “Maybe you’re jealous that Nursey is spending time with Leo?”

Dex frowns. “I don’t think so. I’m never jealous when Nursey spends time with you, or with his English major friends.”

“Well, yeah,” Chowder says. His tone is gentle, but a little strained, as if he’s trying to say something that Dex isn’t getting. “But maybe you’re jealous of Leo.” Dex frowns, confused. “Because he’s dating Nursey.”

Dex blinks. “What?”

Chowder sighs and turns to face Dex. “Like, maybe you feel uncomfortable because you like Nursey.”

Dex’s mouth feels dry. “What?” He repeats. Chowder and Farmer are both silent, watching Dex carefully. “I don’t...I don’t like Nursey,” Dex says finally.

Farmer glances at Chowder. “Are you -- ”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Dex snaps, shouldering both Farmer and Chowder’s arms off of him. He stands up and Chowder and Farmer watch on, surprised. “Nursey is my friend. And I don’t -- I mean, I’ve never -- ” Dex feels a flush spread down his neck, and is unsure if it’s because he’s angry or embarrassed. “I’m straight,” Dex finally insists, although his voice is hoarse and he doesn’t sound as confident as he intended to.

“Dex...” Chowder says.

“Look, I -- I appreciate you guys trying to make me feel better, okay?” Dex stammers. “But I -- I just need to get over this. I mean, at some point I’m gonna get tired of being a dick, right? I can just avoid Nursey and Leo until this whole...homophobic shit goes away.” Dex tugs at his hair, and then laughs humorlessly. “That’s how I handle most of my problems anyway, right?”

“Dex,” Chowder says again. “You don’t have to -- ”

“Thanks for the help anyway,” Dex says. He gives Chowder and Farmer a small smile, but judging by the expressions on their faces, he’s pretty sure it looks more like a grimace. “I’ll see you guys later, okay?”

Before the two of them can say anything else, Dex is out of the room, letting the door shut behind him with a loud click.

Chowder turns to Farmer, gaping.

“Boys,” Farmer says, shaking her head.

--

Avoiding Nursey turns out to be easier said than done. Seeing Nursey at practice every morning is unavoidable, and they also share a room together. It’s not like he can just room with Chowder for an undetermined amount of time -- he’s trying to be at least a little subtle.

Eventually, Dex starts leaving the room early in the morning and getting back late at night, after Nursey’s already gone to sleep. It’s really fucking up his sleep schedule, but he’s slept worse. He’s also been skipping team breakfast every morning in favor of eating a banana on the way to class. Mostly, Dex spends his time hiding out at the study room in the Comp Sci department, which he probably needed to do, anyway, to finish his stupid project.

The truth is, Dex misses Nursey, a lot more than he expected to. He hadn’t realized it, but Nursey had slowly become part of Dex’s routine -- walking with him to practice, watching Netflix together in Nursey’s bunk, arguing about each other’s music tastes (“Bon Iver is meant to be listened to loudly and intensely, William.”) Life without Nursey feels weird, and honestly, a lot less fun. Dex is starting to feel a little bad, too -- Nursey has texted him eleven times this week, but Dex has ignored him every time. He’s doing it for a purpose, of course, but Dex still feels lousy about it.

The only problem is that Dex has no idea if this is working without actually interacting with Nursey or Leo, which he can't do without fucking up the plan. Essentially, Dex is in some weird state of limbo until he accidentally runs into Nursey or until he decides to give up on this so-called plan of his, whichever comes first. Dex has decided going at least one and a half weeks without interacting with Nursey is a reasonable goal. After that, he doesn’t really know what he’s going to do.

Dex tries not to, but he does think about what Chowder said -- not often, but sometimes, like when he’s taking a break from a coding problem or waiting in line at Annie’s. It’s a ridiculous idea, obviously -- there’s no way Dex likes Nursey. Dex is straight. He knows this because he’s only ever dated girls. Well, one girl -- Emma Woodrow during freshman year of high school for about two months -- but they'd done boyfriend/girlfriend stuff like hold hands and kiss a couple of times. Emma had been Dex’s first kiss, actually, and it hadn't been at all like Dex expected it to be, because there were no fireworks or even butterflies, but then again, Dex had only been fifteen.

Only, Dex had never really felt anything when he'd kissed other girls, either, at parties or at kegsters and, come to think of it, Dex can’t remember ever liking any other girls in high school, either.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, Dex reasons. He’s always been too busy for crushes, and after all, it’s not like he’s never shown any interest in guys, anyway.

Unless, of course, he counts Eli Watts, who sat next to Dex in chemistry junior year, and who Dex had maybe thought about once for a little bit while jerking off, only it definitely hadn’t counted, because it was only for a couple of seconds, even though those couple of seconds had maybe possibly brought him to --

Anyway. Dex is really trying not to think about it.

That Thursday, they have an away game against Harvard. Dex is a little apprehensive, because he’s barely had time to focus during practice what with everything else going on. But it turns out Dex has nothing to worry about, because they win 6 to 2. Dex even manages to get an assist towards the end of the game, and he and Nursey work so well together that it’s almost like Dex hasn’t been ignoring him for the better part of the week.

Apparently, his on-ice chemistry with Nursey is so strong that they can thrive even with Dex in the middle of a crisis. Go figure.

All in all, Dex is feeling pretty great about their win and also life in general, until Nursey stops in front of Dex while he’s untying his skates in the locker room and Dex’s stomach drops.

“Hey,” Nursey says, sounding nervous. “Can we talk?”

Dex can’t exactly say no without making it explicitly clear that he’s avoiding Nursey, so he agrees, and Nursey pulls him out into the hallway. It turns out that Dex needn’t have bothered, because as soon as they’re alone, Nursey turns to him and asks, “Have you been avoiding me?”

“What? No.” Dex lies. “Why would I avoid you?”

“I don’t know,” Nursey says. He’s standing straight, steadily meeting Dex’s gaze. “It feels like you have been.”

“Not sure how you would’ve even noticed, anyway,” Dex says before he can stop himself.

Nursey narrows his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Dex shrugs. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with Leo, that’s all.” Dex hopes his tone doesn’t sound as bitter as it does in his head. He guesses his great plan of avoiding Nursey isn’t working, after all.

Finally, Nursey looks away. “Uh. We actually broke up.”

Dex blinks. “You -- what? Why?”

Nursey shifts uncomfortably. “I don’t know. He was looking for something more serious, and I -- ” His eyes cut to Dex, and then he looks away just as quickly. “We just didn’t want the same things,” Nursey finally says.

“Oh,” Dex says, like an idiot. Nursey doesn’t say anything. Then, “Is that why you said no when he asked you to go to the poetry reading the other day?”

Nursey looks confused. “I mean...yeah, kinda.” Then he scoffs. “I'm surprised you even paid attention enough to remember that.” Dex frowns. “Come on, man. I know you hated him.”

“I didn’t hate him,” Dex says, which is mostly true. Nursey doesn’t look convinced. “I just...I didn’t think he was good for you,” That’s mostly a lie.

“You don't get to decide what's good for me, Dex,” Nursey scowls. “I can date whoever the fuck I want.”

Which, okay, maybe Dex deserves, but still, ouch. “I’m your friend,” Dex says. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“And completely avoiding me is supposed to be looking out for me, huh?” Nursey asks, crossing his arms.

Yes, Dex thinks, but doesn’t say. “I’m not avoiding -- ” Dex begins, but he can’t bring himself to lie. “I don’t want to avoid you, okay? I just...I have stuff I have to figure out.”

“And you couldn’t explain that to me?” Nursey demands. “I’m your roommate, Dex. And your d-partner. We’re supposed to talk shit out with one another.”

“I don't have to talk to you about anything, okay?” Dex growls. “You're not my fucking mom.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Nursey says. “You weren’t talking to me, you weren’t answering my texts -- I was worried, okay? I thought I’d done something wrong, or -- ”

“I ignore a couple of your texts and you go fucking berserk?” Dex scoffs. “No wonder Leo gave up after a month.”

Nursey takes a step back, hurt, and Dex immediately regrets saying anything at all. “Shit. Nurse, I --”

“You know what? Forget it,” Nursey snaps. His mouth is set in a grim line. His face is guarded, the same chill and unaffected mask he wears around everyone else, the same one he wore back when Nursey could barely stand him, and Dex hates it. “You know, I really thought we were finally -- ” Nursey stops and shakes his head. “Nevermind. I guess I was wrong.”

“Nursey, wait, I didn’t -- ” Dex pleads, but Nursey has already started marching away. “Nursey!” Dex calls after him, but he doesn’t stop.

When Dex boards the bus later, Chowder has taken his normal seat next to Nursey. When Dex walks past them, Chowder gives Dex a small wave, but Nursey doesn’t look up at all.

As he sits at the back of the bus next to Whiskey, Dex thinks he should feel relieved. Nursey and Leo are broken up, which means things should go back to normal.

But when Dex thinks about the broken look on Nursey’s face, he doesn’t feel much better at all.

--

“Hey, Dex,” Chowder says on Saturday, walking into his room with a loose thread falling from his shirt. “Do you have any scissors?”

Dex looks up from the harsh light of his computer screen, which is about the only thing he’s been looking at for the past forty-eight hours. “Yeah, check the desk.”

“Thanks,” Chowder grins, grabs the scissors, then takes another look at Dex and pauses. “Are you still wearing pajamas?”

“Maybe.”

“It’s 4:00.”

Dex shrugs.

Chowder pauses. “Have you talked to Nursey?”

Dex looks back down at his computer. “No,” he mumbles. He’d tried to, after they got back to campus Thursday night, but Nursey had ignored him. Dex hasn’t even seen him since three a.m., when he watched Nursey stumble into the room and climb into bed while he was pretending to be asleep. When Dex had woken up that morning, Nursey was gone.

“Maybe you could try to talk to him again?” Chowder asks hopefully.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me, Chowder.”

Chowder sighs and sits on the floor next to Dex. “I’m just a little worried. He’s watched Guardians of the Galaxy like, three times in the past two days.”

Dex winces. Nursey always watches that movie when he’s upset. Nursey also cries every time during the scene where Groot sacrifices himself for everyone else, and Dex always pretends not to notice. And if Dex sometimes tears up a little bit during that scene, too, well. Nobody else has to know.

“Meanwhile, you haven’t left this room in over twenty four hours, and I’m pretty sure those pajamas are from two nights ago.” Chowder leans over and sniffs, then wrinkles his nose. “Definitely two nights ago.”

“I’m fine,” Dex insists. Chowder doesn’t look convinced.

“Well, whatever. You better shower before you go to the kegster, at least,” Chowder says.

Dex looks away. “I wasn’t planning on going.”

Chowder makes an outraged noise. “Dex, c’mon. This is one of Bitty’s last kegsters, and besides, Ransom, Holster, Shitty, Lardo, and Jack are coming.”

Dex scrubs his hands over his face. “Chowder, I really don’t feel like interacting with human beings for at least another five years.”

“Deeeeeex,” Chowder says, nudging him. “Come on, please. For me?”

And then, of course, Chowder turns on the puppy eyes, as if Dex has ever been able to say no to those. “Ugh, fine! Fine, I’ll go!”

Chowder grins and immediately wraps Dex in a hug. “It’ll make you feel better, I promise. But seriously? Take a shower. You reek.”

--

Dex should not have come.

He’s currently planted against the wall, and has barely moved since he arrived about forty-five minutes ago. Whoever has a hold of the aux chord -- Bitty, most likely -- is playing a shitty pop song from a couple of years ago that Dex only vaguely remembers the words to. There are two people making out against the wall next to him, and they’re beginning to move a bit too close into his personal space. Dex hasn’t gotten anything to drink yet, and he isn’t planning on doing so at any point. He knows a lot of people -- especially people on his team -- like to use alcohol to avoid their problems, but that’s never been Dex’s thing. He’s more of a “wallow in your own pity” sort of type, and anyway, he’s never been much of a drinker.

Okay so, maybe Dex isn’t fine. Maybe he’s a little upset that he hasn’t seen Nursey, not really, since their game Thursday night, and that Nursey refuses to talk to him, and won’t answer any of his texts. But Dex isn’t so selfish enough to think that he doesn’t deserve this. He’s been a dick to Nursey for the past month, internally, at least, and he crossed the line, yelling at Nursey like that. Dex knows Nursey is insecure about a lot of things, more than he lets on, and he knows that Nursey is scared of pushing people away (just like Dex is, really), and what he said...well, he went too far.

So if Dex is unhappy, then maybe he deserves that.

The couple aggressively making out next to him is beginning to move a little too close, and Dex is just beginning to think about finding Chowder when he hears someone cry, “Dex!” and is suddenly tackled in a hug by Ransom. “Hey, man!” Ransom cries. “How are you doing?”

Dex tries to gently pry Ransom off of him. “I’m fine,” he says.

“You don’t look that fine,” Holster says, always following close behind Ransom. Not much has changed since they’ve graduated. “Dude, you need to get out there and dance or something. You look lame standing here all by yourself.”

“Thanks, Holster,” Dex says drily.

“Hey, where’s Nursey?” Ransom asks. “You two are usually attached at the hip.”

“We’re not attached at the hip,” Dex says.

“Ohhhh,” Holster says, nodding understandingly. “So you two are having a fight?”

“What? No,” Dex protests. “How did you even -- we’re not -- ”

“It’s okay, man,” Ransom says reassuringly, slapping Dex on the shoulder. “You’re d-men partners. You’ll work it out.”

“Yeah,” Holster says. “You two make each other better people and shit.”

“I -- wow,” Dex says, exhaling loudly. “Okay, well -- ”

“C’mon, Ransom,” Holster says, cutting Dex off. “Let’s go try and find Chowder so we can embarrass him in front of Farmer.”

“S’wawesome,” Ransom agrees. “See you later, Dex.”

Dex watches them go. “That was the most frustrating conversation I’ve ever had,” Dex says aloud to no one in particular.

Suddenly he decides that getting a drink may not be such a bad idea after all.

Dex slides past the passionately making out couple next to him on his way to the kitchen and grabs a red solo cup from the giant stack next to the sink. He fills his cup with tub juice and is just turning to leave when he comes to a stop that’s so abrupt, he almost trips.

Up against the kitchen counter is Nursey, who’s leaning over a girl that’s twisting her black, curly hair and giggling. She sits on top of the kitchen counter and Nursey is leaning up in the girl’s personal space, his arms on either side of her, and he’s laughing, too, like the he and this girl have a secret that only the two of them share.

Dex’s stomach flips, and his heart starts racing, and all of the sudden he feels like he’s gonna throw up all over the kitchen floor even though he hasn’t had anything to drink, but none of this makes sense because Nursey isn’t with Leo, he isn’t even with a boy at all, he’s with this random girl, and…

Oh.

Dex isn’t homophobic. He’s just in love with Derek Nurse.

Dex drops his cup, and tub juice sloshes all over the floor. This apparently catches Nursey’s attention, and he looks up, surprised. “Dex?”

Dex stares at the way Nursey’s hands have moved to the girl’s hips and the way her hands have moved to Nursey’s chest, and then he turns and bolts.

Dex dashes past the crowd of people grinding up against each other in the living room and darts under the caution tape at the bottom of the stairs before he’s finally back in the silence of his room, slamming the door shut behind him, dropping onto Nursey’s bunk, and burying his face in his hands.

So, fine. Dex isn’t as straight as he thought he was. Maybe isn’t straight at all. And he’s definitely into dudes, or more specifically, Nursey. He’s not actually in love with him, probably -- that was jumping the gun a bit -- but he’s certainly in something. And even worse, he’s a total closet case, because as soon as he felt even the slightest twinge of jealousy about another guy, he immediately assumed that he was being homophobic.

Dex lets out a groan of frustration. God, why did this happen to him? And why Nursey of all people? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. They hated each other at first, and they barely have anything in common. And how could he have gone so long liking Nursey without realizing it?

Sure, maybe there had been a few signs, like the way Dex would sometimes sneak a look at Nursey’s tattoo when they were changing in the locker room, or the way he’d find himself staring too long at Nursey’s smile, or the way he could be tensely working on a project but would immediately relax at the feeling of Nursey ruffling his hair...

Dex groans and scrubs his hands over his face. Who is he kidding? Nursey may be a pain in the ass, but he’s smart, and kind, and passionate, and he makes Dex a better player, a better friend, and a better person. Of course he was going to fucking fall for him.

Dex is just beginning to wonder what will happen if Nursey finds out, and God, what is he gonna do about his family, when his door swings open and Nursey strides in angrily. “Dude, what the hell was that?”

Dex lets out a long sigh, because of course, Nursey is here, because his life fucking sucks. But if Nursey wants to fight about this, then they might as well get it over with. “I don’t know,” Dex says finally. “You tell me.”

“What? The girl?” Nursey demands. Dex shrugs, and Nursey huffs out a laugh. “You know what? I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“You’re right. You don’t.” Dex says tersely. “So maybe you should just leave.”

“Maybe I should,” Nursey snaps.

“Good!”

“What the hell is your problem?” Nursey says angrily. “You’ve been so fucking pissy lately, and the game the other day...what you said was way out of line, dude.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Dex says. “I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been trying to apologize for the past two days but you won’t fucking listen to me!”

“Of course I won’t listen to you, because you’ve been fucking weird ever since I started dating Leo, and now you’re being a fucking dick,” Nursey says furiously. “What, are you mad that I’m happy, or something?”

And that stings. “What?” Dex asks. “Nursey, come on. Of course not, I -- I want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy with -- ” With me, Dex thinks, but he snaps his mouth shut before he can say anything else, his face growing hot.

“What?” Nursey asks. Dex says nothing. Nursey’s face suddenly does something complicated and then turns unreadable. “You just want me to be happy with a girl.”

“I -- what?” Dex asks.

“It’s a homophobic thing, isn’t it?” Nursey says. He laughs, loud, but it’s an angry and bitter sound. “You’re fine with me dating, but just girls. Not guys. God, I knew you had an issue with Leo and me but I didn’t think -- I mean I hoped -- and I actually thought that maybe we would…” Nursey’s voice cracks.

“Nursey, no,” Dex says desperately. “That’s not it.” Then he pauses. “I mean, I thought it was, at first -- ”

“You what?” Nursey demands.

“But it wasn’t!” Dex says hurriedly. “I’m not homophobic, okay?”

“Then what is it, then, Dex? Please enlighten me.” Nursey says. He’s furious, his fists clenched. “Because I -- ”

“It’s because I like you, okay?” Dex blurts out.

Nursey falters. “You...what?”

Dex’s face is burning, and his palms are sweaty. He hadn’t meant to say that, and Nursey isn’t saying anything at all, just staring. And now Dex has probably ruined everything, which is apparently is something Dex is becoming quite good at.

“You’re gonna make me say it again?” Dex demands after the silence had grown too unbearable. Nursey still just stares. “You can spare me the rejection or whatever. I know you don’t...about me.”

“Dex...” Nursey says.

“I mean, you’re always flirting with somebody, like Leo, or that girl downstairs, and that’s...fine. You’re like, hot and stuff, and you can flirt with whoever you want, really, and I don’t mind. And if you don’t -- ” A lump forms in Dex’s throat and he swallows quickly. “I get if you want some space, if it makes you uncomfortable, but I’ll get over it eventually. It’s not a big deal, you know? We can be just friends.”

Nursey is silent, and Dex shifts, uncomfortable. Finally, Nursey says, “You think I’m hot?”

Nursey’s smirking, and okay, so this is all a joke to him, just a way for him to make fun of Dex. To his horror, Dex feels his eyes burn, and angrily blinks back tears. “Okay, I’ll just go, then,” Dex says.

He moves past Nursey, towards the door, and Nursey says, “Dex,” and then, “Will,” and grabs his arm, yanking him back towards him.

“What?” Dex says, trying to sound angry, but his voice cracks.

Nursey laughs softly, cups Dex’s face in his hands, and says, “You’re an idiot.” Then he kisses him.

It’s nothing like freshman year on Emma Woodrow’s front porch step, when Dex had expected fireworks and butterflies and had instead only felt vaguely disappointed. This time, Dex feels everything -- the way Nursey’s hands frame his face, the way Nursey’s stubble scrapes against his cheek, the way Nursey smiles into the kiss when Dex grips Nursey’s shirt in his hands to pull him even closer.

But Dex is nothing if not a glutton for punishment, so he pulls back. “But okay, wait. What about that girl? And Leo?”

“‘That girl’ is Jess. She’s a lesbian.” Nursey says. He hasn’t stopped smiling. “Some guy was trying to hit on her, so she wanted me to pretend to be her boyfriend so he would back off. And Leo? Why do you think we broke up?”

Nursey is looking at him pointedly, and Dex blinks. “What, because of me?”

“Yeah.” Nursey suddenly looks shy. “I think about you all the time, Dex.”

“Oh.” Dex says stupidly. “Really?”

“You seriously didn’t know?” Dex shakes his head. “I was like super obvious, Dex. It was embarrassing. I could feel Bitty’s judgment radiating off of him at like, all times. And you are really red right now.”

This, of course, makes Dex turn even redder, so he decides to change the subject. “You know,” He says, aiming for a casual tone and knowing he’s falling massively short, “I’m pretty sure you were calling me ‘Will’ earlier.”

Nursey smirks. “Oh, I was, was I?”

“I think you were, Derek,” Dex says, and Nursey laughs.

“Well,” Nursey says, pretending to look contemplative. “I guess it makes sense to call my boyfriend by his first name.”

Dex blinks, stunned. “Boyfriend?”

Apparently, Nursey interprets Dex’s tone the wrong way, and suddenly his face falls. “Sorry,” he says, beginning to take a step back. “I shouldn’t have just assumed that -- ”

Dex rolls his eyes. “You’re an idiot,” Dex says, and moves forward to kiss him again.

--

“So,” Nursey says later, after he’s kissed Dex many more times. “Tell me again how you were so overcome with jealousy that you misinterpreted your intense attraction to me as being homophobic.”

Dex groans, says, “Shut up, Derek,” and shoves a pillow in his boyfriend’s face.