Chapter Text
And maybe i dream of pirate ships, and the thrill of the chase. But i could never live out that dream. My father is a merchant. Yes, his ships sail to Havana and back, but he would never let me go. Never lets me stray from his eyesight, too scared my dreams will take hold of me. he says its for my own good, but what good is a dream if you cannot live it?
I can hear him laughing, yelling to me, "Arie! Arie, can you see those ships? Oh please tell me i am not dreaming." and i would be laughing too. Laughing and laughing. And maybe i would tell him that if they were not real, they'd be above us. All the pirate ships in the world on the ceiling, and he'd laugh, and laugh. He would be smiling again, i would get to see him smile just one more time.
Father yells my name, asks me to come home. Tells me that we can go anywhere just not there. I will not listen, he does not know, he cannot see past the veil of old age. Cannot see that his daughter in front of him fades away each day, wondering what life would be out there for her if she just went. Just ran. From London, from the cities that she knew. From the oh so clean lifestyle her father had carved out for her here. And i know that if i went i could die before i left England's waters, but where would be the fun in not trying?
What color would the water be? Would it be a bright blue, reminding me of the pictures i used to paint with my brother. Or would it be a light green, could i see the fish that swam in the shallows? Would the deep look like a looming hole, ready to swallow the incoming tides and all the men that drowned there? I can imagine the feeling of the water against my hands, the animals i have only seen in books; there, before my eyes. I can see...
I can see my brother. All blonde hair and laughter. Always laughter. He told me he'd keep me safe. Went to sea, said he'd be rich and he'd come back for me, take me to see havana and all the little islands in between. He said he'd keep me safe. He said he would come back for me. He said..he...
...why hasn't he?
Lullabies and soft hums, he'd do what father never would. What mama never got to do. He'd tell me of the mermaids in the deep of the sea, smile when i said that i would like to meet one. He'd get me out of seeing all of those men that father wanted me to marry. Marry for money, for security. Not for love. He told me that it was wrong, that love came before marriage, that if i ever had the choice, run. Run, Run as far as you can. Run as fast as you can. Run, little Arietta, run.
I write him letters. sometimes. When i feel so lost here, so alone. Ask him if i could stay with him, ask him when he is coming home. If he.. Sometimes i question if it was all lies, if he is never coming back, never going to be there to save me. Once i asked if he was dead, his bones laying at the bottom of the sea. Sometimes i think i see him in the street, but once i look back he is gone. Just a beggar looking for loose change that will never come. And eventually he will die, in the cold, on a street corner. And no one will look at him once, will walk past his corpse until someone notices the smell. Its always a smell.
Do you remember me, james? Did you ever love me at all?
Little Arietta with a heart as big as the universe, and dreams more than the expanse of the ocean beyond. Little Arietta. Heart of gold. Gold, gold tarnishes. Heart of tarnished gold. The only way to break it is to speak of her brother, or hurt her in some other way. What a silly way to live, with your cards pulled close to your chest. With nothing on your sleeve, not even any blood. No veins connecting to your heart.
Maybe if i send this letter, maybe he will reply. Maybe if i left.. Maybe. What if.
Why can't i ever leave?
Father cannot see me fading away, he cannot see his daughter packing away all her belongings. He cannot see me packing my lightest clothes, cannot see me taking the coins from his box, one by one. He cannot see my smile, he cannot. He cannot. He cannot see me leaving, and he will not stop me.
Oh brother James. We set sail at dawn.