Chapter Text
She catches herself staring again. She watches as her best friend leans casually against the railing of the rooftop bar at the W Hotel. The air is sticky with the late May heat, and she can see the slight dewy sheen to her skin because of it. Her long blonde hair cascading in beachy waves over her shoulders, the breeze blowing a few stray strands against her face. She doesn’t care. She continues to lean and take in the nearly-set sun, the city below her beginning to light up as the sky fades from red to black. She’s underdressed but somehow she’s made it work. Wearing ripped, black jeans and a white V-neck, a black snapback sits backwards atop her head, and a thin gold chain hangs around her neck. She’s talking about something rather animatedly now, a dimpled grin spreading across her face as she meets her eyes.
Ali Krieger can’t stop her racing heart when Ashlyn Harris looks at her that way.
“Maybe you’ll work there someday.” Ashlyn says, pointing.
“At the White House?” Ali laughs.
“Sure. Why not? Maybe they’ll need a German translator.”
“But I’m not studying to be a translator.”
“Yeah, but you could if you wanted. You can do anything, Ali. I mean you’re only one year away from earning double degrees. That’s two degrees! At the same time!” Ashlyn beams with Pride.
“An absolutely insane decision on my part.”
“You’re brilliant, Al. A total over-achiever, but brilliant.” Ashlyn grins at her again.
Ashlyn steps away from the railing and sits down on the end of the chaise Ali is sitting on. She finishes off her drink just as waitress walks by. She offers to take the glass and asks Ashlyn if she would like another.
“Whiskey, neat.” Ashlyn places her order.
“Preference?” the waitress asks.
“Just tell Adam to pour me whatever he did last time. Tell him it’s for Ash, he’ll know.”
The woman nods and starts to walk away when Ashlyn stops her.
“Oh, and, I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”
“Rachel.”
“Rachel.” Ashlyn repeats. “Can we also get a glass of champagne?” She smiles in Ali’s direction. “We’re celebrating.”
“Of course.” Rachel says.
“Thanks so much, Rachel.” Ashlyn gives her a winning smile.
“You flirt with everyone.” Ali says with an eyeroll once the woman is out of earshot.
“Not everyone!” Ashlyn says in mock offense. “Only the ladies.” She smirks as she scoots back on the chaise and slides in beside Ali. The chair is oversized, but it still leaves the pair without any space between them.
“I don’t really mean anything by it.” Ashlyn says a little more seriously.
Ali shoots her a very skeptical look.
“Most of the time.” Ashlyn amends.
The two sit together in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. The sky is dark now, and the breeze is starting to pick up a little. Ashlyn picks up one of Ali’s hands in her own and begins to trace circles on the back of it with an index finger. Ali leans her head against Ashlyn’s shoulder. She tries to keep her breathing steady.
“One whiskey, neat.” Rachel says as she holds a drink out to Ashlyn.
Ali sits up quickly, startled by the woman’s sudden appearance.
“And a glass of champagne for you.” Rachel hands Ali the champagne flute.
“Thank you.” Ali mumbles.
“A toast” Ashlyn offers, holding her glass up. Ali holds hers up too. “To the end of junior year. To the beginning of the next chapter. And to you, the only person on the planet who truly understands me. I’d be lost without you, Ali.” Ashlyn stares deeply into Ali’s eyes.
Ali clinks her glass against Ashlyn’s and takes a slow sip, her eyes never leaving Ashlyn’s.
She swallows hard as Ashlyn’s eyes bore into her. They flit to her lips a moment before she meets her eyes again, with more intensity than before.
Then she leans. Ali can’t help but match her.
Their faces are so close now that Ali can feel Ashlyn’s breath on her skin. Her eyes close.
“Ali!” A man’s voice barks at her.
Ali jerks back in alarm, trying to find the face of the tall, dark-haired man she knows is glaring at her, but not finding him. All she finds is the darkness of her own bedroom, where she sits upright in bed, alone.
A dream, she thinks. It was a just a dream.
But Ali knows it wasn’t just a dream, but a memory, and it didn’t end there. That night, those eyes, haunt her lately. Ever since she moved back to D.C., her memories of Ashlyn Harris hadn’t left her alone. She tries to push the dream, the memory, from her mind as she lays back down to search for sleep.
*****
Ali’s alarm is blaring far too early this morning. The sun has not yet fully risen as she rubs the sleep from her eyes and climbs out of bed. She plods down the hallway to the kitchen, refusing to turn on the lights and acknowledge that start of her day. As her coffee brews, she sits down at the little two-person table in her kitchen and opens her laptop. She scrolls through a few news stories and checks the weather, before opening up a spreadsheet with various furniture items, quantities, and costs. She stands and gets her cup of coffee before giving her full attention to the document. She opens the notes app on her phone and starts making a list, sipping her coffee and watching the sun come up. She sits with her feet up on the chair, resting her coffee cup on her knees. Her dark hair falling out of the messy bun on top of her head after a restless sleep. When she feels thoroughly prepared for her day’s outing, she opens up an email on her phone, and copies an address into Maps so it’s ready to go and then pours another cup of coffee and heads back down the hallway to get ready for the day.
The weather in Alexandria, Virginia had been typically diverse for September. Two weeks ago it was in the 90s and this morning, its 66 degrees and threatening to rain. Ali is headed to a farm in rural Virginia so she opts for jeans and boots with a t-shirt and oversized, knit cardigan. She pours the last of the coffee pot into a large travel mug and heads out to the garage of the sweet, little house she just moved into. She makes sure the back of her Land Rover is completely empty before climbing in the driver’s seat and getting on the road.
As she pulls out onto the quiet street in the charming neighborhood, Ali reflects on just how happy she is to be home. She moved back to her home state of Virginia after nearly 5 years living abroad in Germany. After what had started out as a year abroad in college turned into a job opportunity, Ali chose to stay and work in Frankfurt while pursuing her Masters, thinking she couldn’t turn down such an amazing offer. And while she made very good money, which ultimately helped her get to where she is now, the job wasn’t anything she had dreamed of doing. A trip home for Christmas ended in an airport panic attack and her mother coming to pick up a hyperventilating Ali after she couldn’t get on the plane. The following May, Ali returned to the home she’d run away from five years before.
Two months shy of a year and a half, and Ali is living her dream. She had been working on her business plan even before she left Germany, and was scheduling meetings with banks and realtors only weeks after her return. By the end of the summer, Ali had been granted the loans necessary to open her own vintage goods boutique in Old Town Alexandria and signed a lease on a lovely little storefront on a popular street in downtown. It’s coming up on the store’s one-year anniversary and Ali is planning a big event, and looking for tons of new items for the store. So today she’s doing what she often does on the Monday’s that the shop is closed and driving out to the middle of nowhere to search for treasures.
Ali had been renting an apartment since she moved back, until about three months ago when a rather eccentric older woman came into her shop looking for an end table. The woman, Ruth, had recently moved out of the home she’s owned since the 60s. The house, while not large, had become too much work for her, so she had agreed to move in with her son and his family. Ruth explained that her son had “flip-flopped” the house, renovating and updating the whole property. Now she was looking for a rent-to-sell tenant so she could make sure the right person took care of the home she loved so much. Ali ended up giving the woman the table for free and asking for a tour that same afternoon. Ali was excited to search for a few things for her new home too.
Ali parks her Land Rover in the field, a short distance away from the expanse of vendor tents set up. There are signs indicating even more vendors in both the barn and the old horse stables. Ali loves cultivating the perfect array of items for her store. Cool retro furniture, lighting, and miscellaneous home décor that feel unique enough to want to buy it on the spot, but still fitting enough with whatever throwback trend is hottest at the moment. For Ali, the value of an item comes from how great it will look in your living room, not how old it is or who made it. She’s not shopping for history, she’s shopping for cool. She doesn’t hesitate to buy items that are beat up or broken, happily taking them home to sand, refinish, repair, or reupholster and bring new life to whatever she finds. Fortunately for Ali, most of the people who come to these shows are looking for antiques for their historic homes. Unfortunately, with a lower demand for vintage items, Ali must search a little harder for the things she wants. She does, however, have a few vendors she’s come to know quite well who will bring things just for her. This morning, she head’s straight for her favorite vendor.
“Got anything good for me, Macy?” Ali asks the middle-aged woman with a mop of curly gray hair, wearing paint-stained overalls and rubber boots.
“Ali! Nine o’clock on the dot.” Macy says looking at her watch. “Why am I not surprised?”
“If you want the first picks, you have to be the first one there.” Ali says matter-of-factly.
“You know I wouldn’t let anyone buy the things I’ve pulled for you until you get a chance to look at them.”
“I know.” Ali smiles appreciatively at the woman. “That’s why you’re the best.”
“Just wait until you see what I’ve brought you.” Macy gives a self-satisfied grin as she leads Ali through the rows of her tent.
Ali is thrilled when Macy shows her a teak dining table and chairs, and a light blue, 1960s arm chair, as well as a couple of lamps that need only minimal repairs.
“I want all of it!” Ali says excitedly.
“I knew you would.”
Ali wanders around a little more looking through the vast array of items Macy has. As she rounds a corner she gasps, taking in the sight of four barstools with thin, round iron legs and soft, gray leather tops.
“Aren’t those great?” Macy asks, pleased with her find.
“They look just like the barstools from Somewhere Tavern.” Ali says, she’s taken aback.
“They are! The owner just sold the place. I had 12 of these to start. They aren’t vintage so I didn’t think you’d be interested, but if you are…” Macy looks to Ali.
“Really!? I can’t believe that place is closing. I spent a little too much time there in college.”
“Ah, so these are playing to your nostalgia then?”
“They definitely will be if there are sharpie drawings under the seats.”
“You’re in luck! That one on the end has a shark, and this one here has a crown.”
“You’re kidding?!” Ali can’t believe that another memory for her past has shown up today. Especially after the dream she had last night. “I’ll take them. All four of them.”
Somewhere Tavern never checked IDs and when they did, they pretended not to notice how fake they were. If Ali, Ashlyn, Kelley, and Tobin weren’t attending- or throwing- a party, they could be found sitting at the bar of Somewhere Tavern.
Ashlyn Harris had worked her ass off to escape the small town that raised her, and more than that, the heartache that consumed her there. But in order to get out, she needed to be focused and determined. She gave up the idea of fun as a teenager and clawed her way to George Washington University, scholarship and all. Once she was there, she wanted to make up for lost time so she took up partying like it was her major.
For the first year and a half, Ali joined her. They danced and drank and showed up on Monday mornings with hangovers and inexplicable bruises. All the signs of a night to remember, already forgotten. There were two sides to Ashlyn when she was drinking: The wild, reckless-yet-brilliant leader who could get away with anything, and the darkness. For a while, Ali was her partner in crime. Those were the memories she tried to keep.
“How the fuck do you get a barstool out of a crowded bar on Friday night without being noticed?!” Ali asks in amazement, as she walks beside Ashlyn, who carries the stool under one arm.
“Better question is how did you not notice? You were right there!” Ashlyn teases. “I can’t give away all my secrets but this one definitely involved whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.”
In the morning, Ashlyn had woken up on the couch in her living room wearing one shoe and missing her shirt. She finds the barstool she stole wearing it, sitting in the middle of the room. In the light of day she feels guilty about taking something that isn’t hers and decides to bring it back. But not before she grabs a sharpie and marks it as her own. Of course she manages to bring it back unnoticed as well. Every time she visits Somewhere Tavern after that, she inspects the stools until she finds hers, often sweet-talking whoever is currently sitting on it into trading with her. A few months later, she’ll pick another stool up and flip it upside down on top of the bar, in plain view, and draw a crown on the bottom for Ali.
“A queen needs her throne.” Ashlyn cheeses. “And another round of shots!” She calls to the bartender. Ali blushes as she climbs back onto the stool, as their friends cheer loudly around her.
“There must be a great story there.” Macy says with a chuckle. She adds the item numbers to the delivery list for Ali.
“Oh I’m sure there was,” Ali grins at Macy, “If I could remember it!” Ali winks at the woman as she pulls out her business credit card for Macy to run.
*****
Ali spends the whole day on the farm, carefully searching through items, and visiting with the people she’s come to know in the time she’s been back. Luckily she was able to arrange delivery for everything she purchased and doesn’t have to haul anything back with her, but she feels a little strange leaving empty handed. Around 5:30 that evening, just as the rain finally begins to fall, she starts her 90 minute drive back home.
The drive takes her through the idyllic setting of the Virginia countryside, avoiding main roads and highways nearly the whole way. She appreciates how light the traffic is compared to the zoo that takes place around this time every day as everyone flees DC for their quiet suburbs. The relatively quiet drive gives Ali lots of time to think. She can’t seem to stop her mind from flooding with the memories of Ashlyn Harris, her eyes lit up with excitement, a mischievous smirk playing on her lips. She thinks of the barstool incident, the time Ashlyn convinced her to hop the fence for the big Fourth of July fireworks display, the wedding they crashed and then searching the photographer’s website to see how many pictures they had successfully made it into. She thinks about the box that currently sits in her closet filled with polaroids and ticket stubs and memories of the good days.
Then she lets her mind slip back to the darkness. To the days when Ali had set aside her party girl ways started really focusing on her degrees. She’d picked George Washington specifically because they had a German language and literature degree as well as a business school. When she had found out about the European Business School and that she could spend a year living and studying only 45 minutes outside of Berlin, the first person she wanted to tell was Ashlyn. But when she had gone to her house to find her, she found her sitting on the floor of her closet, hyperventilating. Ali had joined her, pulling her into her lap and stroking her hair until she calmed down.
Ali wished those moments had been more rare, but Ashlyn’s demons wouldn’t leave her be. Ashlyn tried her hardest to be strong and kind and caring to all she met, but after the fun and energy of a night of drinking started to fade, Ashlyn’s tough exterior would too. It wasn’t the nights that Ali held a sobbing Ashlyn in her arms as they sat on her bed, all the lights turned out, that got to her. It was the nights that Ashlyn called at two in the morning for a ride home, barely able to tell Ali where she was or who she was with. It was the nights she was too afraid to leave Ashlyn alone for fear she might not wake up in the morning.
But this darkness wasn’t who Ashlyn was and Ali knew it. Despite how quickly Ashlyn was running to the edge of the cliff, Ali cared deeply for her and the person she knew she truly was.
Finally, she lets her mind fill with the memory that came to her in her dreams. She wanted to stop it from playing all the way out in her mind, but it washes over her in waves, dragging her under like the ocean.
She swallows hard as Ashlyn’s eyes bore into her. They flit to her lips a moment before she meets her eyes again, with more intensity than before.
Then she leans. Ali can’t help but match her.
Their faces are so close now that Ali can feel Ashlyn’s breathe on her skin. Her eyes close.
“Ali!” A man’s voice barks at her.
Ali jerks back in alarm, finding the face of the tall, dark-haired man glaring at her.
Ashlyn throws back the rest of her drink and pats Ali on the leg as she stands. “Thanks for a lovely evening, Al.” Ashlyn walks towards the man, stopping briefly to pat him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Nate. We were just sharing secrets, like girls do.” She winks at him as she heads in towards the bar for another drink.
“Let’s go, Ali. I think you’ve spent enough time with your little friend.”
“She’s my best friend, Nathan! And stop ordering me around!”
“Ali,” He softens his tone and comes to stand in front of her, sliding an arm around her waist. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to order you around. And I know you care about Ashlyn, but she’s got problems, Ali. Problems that you can’t save her from, okay? You need to be focused on you and EBS, and she’s not helping you with that at all. She’s a distraction. You can’t keep dropping everything and running off to try and fix her.”
“She needs me, Nathan.” Ali pleads.
“You need you too, Ali! Can’t you see that she’s standing in your way? You’re enabling her!”
“You don’t understand her.” Ali pulls away from Nathan and moves to lean against the railing. “You’re just bitter about the other night.” Ali spits at him.
“I think I have a right to be! When your girlfriend is topless and straddling you, and then she decides to up and leave to go rescue her drunkard of a friend, again, you get to be mad!”
Ali just scoffs in response.
“And it wasn’t like it was the first time, either. You’ve bailed on dates, made us leave things early, and left me alone in the middle of the night for her. It’s gotten worse and it’s only going to keep getting worse because she knows you’ll show up. I don’t understand why you keep doing this. You’ve worked harder than anyone I know to get what you want and come August we’ll be in Germany and she’s going to have to learn to take care of herself.”
Ali doesn’t know what to say. She’s pretty sure her and Nathan are on totally different pages and don’t really want the same things. She’s been pulling away from him more and more lately, but she has to admit that some of what he says might be true. Maybe she is enabling Ashlyn. Maybe they’re both standing in each other’s way. She’d never told Ashlyn that she was accepted into the European Business School program, or that she was planning to leave in only three months. She was too afraid of hurting her. But maybe she had to.
Ali goes home with Nathan. She lets him hold her while they sit on her couch and watch a movie she doesn’t care about. The whole time her mind keeps drifting back to Ashlyn’s toast and the almost-moment they had shared. She’s terrified by what it means, by what she wants it to mean. That night when they go to bed, Ali rolls out of Nathan’s arms as soon as he’s asleep.
The call comes at three in the morning.
“Ali?” Her voice is small and scared.
“Hey Ash.”
“Will you come, uh, to the place? I need to not be here anymore. I need you, Al.” Ashlyn slurs out on the other end of the line.
“Sure, honey. Do you know where you are?”
“Home.”
“Who’s home?”
“Mine. But Kelley and Tobin live here too.”
“You’re at your house right now?” Ali is confused. She’s never called her when she’s already home.
“Will you come?”
“I’ll be right there.”
Ali lets herself in with the spare key Ashlyn gave her and navigates herself to Ashlyn’s room as quietly as she can. Ashlyn is sitting on her bed with her back against the wall, staring out the window. There’s an empty bottle of liquor next to her, and she can see tear stains on her cheek, glistening in the moonlight.
“I gotta get out of here, Ali.” Ashlyn says. Her voice is hollow, broken.
“Why do you say that?” Ali asks, climbing into bed and sitting up next to Ashlyn.
“I’ve fucked it all up. I’m a fuck up.”
“You’re not. And don’t you dare talk about my best friend that way.”
Ashlyn drops her head into her hands and begins to sob. Ali didn’t know it at the time because Ashlyn hadn’t told her, but Ashlyn’s final grades had come in and she hadn’t done well enough to keep her scholarship. Without it, she couldn’t stay. Her advisor had told her the school would be placing her on academic probation if she did stay. She knew she couldn’t.
All Ali wanted was to help Ashlyn. She wanted her to be able to see her value, her potential. But no matter how hard she tried, Ashlyn kept giving up on herself.
They sit together in silence a while after Ashlyn’s sobs have stopped. Finally, Ali speaks.
“What is it that you want, Ash?” Ali’s voice is filled with hopeful optimism. Maybe if Ashlyn can tell her what her goals are, she can help her get there. “What do you dream about?”
There has to be something.
Ashlyn turns to Ali and looks into her eyes.
“You.”
Ali doesn’t know how to respond. She wants to smile but she’s too afraid. She shakes her head.
“I dream about you. About kissing you. About touching you.”
Ali breathes in sharply as Ashlyn wraps her arms around Ali’s waist and pulls her into her. Ali makes the first move, pressing their lips together in a searing kiss. It’s passionate and intense. Ashlyn deepens it immediately, her tongue exploring the inside of Ali’s mouth, as Ali’s hands work to remove Ashlyn’s shirt.
Ashlyn moves them effortlessly so they’re laying down, and Ali quickly rolls on top of Ashlyn as things continue to escalate. Hands and tongues are roaming everywhere, clothing is shed, breathing is heavy. Ali feels her heart pounding as Ashlyn slides a hand into her underwear.
“Stop.” Ali gasps.
Ashlyn immediately stops, looking to Ali without hurt or anger, only seeking explanation.
“I’m so sorry.” Ali says resting her forehead against Ashlyn’s.
“It’s okay, Al.”
Ali tries to hold her tears back, but she feels them spilling over, and falling onto Ashlyn’s skin.
“I love you.” Ashlyn mumbles.
Ali places a hand on Ashlyn’s cheek and gently strokes it with her thumb until she feels the blonde’s breath even out into sleep. She quietly gets dressed before sitting at Ashlyn’s desk to write her a letter. She lets her tears fall freely, hitting the page with soft splats as she writes.
She leaves the letter on the desk and goes back to the bed to press a soft kiss to Ashlyn’s lips.
That was the last time Ali saw Ashlyn in person.
Ali wipes a stray tear from her cheek and rolls her eyes at herself. After all these years, she’s annoyed with herself that the memories still hold so much power over her. They haunt her. She’s still rather deep in thought when her attention is suddenly ripped away from her memories and brought back to the road before her. Headlights that were once in the opposite lane, are now barreling toward her at full speed. A figure darts between the cars as Ali tries to swerve to avoid the car speeding towards her.
The world around her begins to spin as sounds of metal bending and glass breaking pierce her ears. She smells gas and something burning, and then the air is filled with white powder. She feels something crushing her chest. A woman is screaming.
It isn’t until her car rights itself and stops moving, that she realizes the voice she hears is her own.