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The first time Svetlana held back her real thoughts about Anatoly playing chess competitively was the day it became a possibility.
She and her husband, along with their two daughters, had gone to a park (a common enough activity when the weather was nice) where there were chess boards set up and anyone could play. That particular day, Svetlana was sitting on a bench while Anatoly played a stranger. It was like any other outing to the park until a man in a suit approached the 27 year old man. Busy with their daughters, Svetlana spared a few glances over, eyes critical as she observed the interaction.
It wasn’t until the Sergievskys were walking home that the mysterious conversation was brought up. Apparently the man’s name had been Alexander Molokov and he had approached Anatoly to play chess competitively. No more finding new opponents in different parks, but the chance to play the best of the best from all over the globe.
It was an amazing compliment to Anatoly’s talent, even an honor, but Svetlana felt uncomfortable with the notion. She just couldn’t place why. So when Anatoly asked her opinion on the matter, Svetlana had smiled and told him that she would support whatever decision he made instead of what she really thought. That by playing competitively, they would lose something which had always been theirs.
***
It was a year later when the doubts started up again. Anatoly had started to travel, to build up his name on the circuit. Only Svetlana was left behind with the girls. It wasn’t that she minded, traveling with a one year old and a three year old would be difficult. It was the fact she wasn’t even consulted on the matter that felt strange. Truthfully though, she just missed her husband and worried he would miss seeing their daughters grow up if his schedule remained as full as it was.
It was late and Svetlana was reading on the couch when she heard someone at the door. Uncertain on who it could be as she wasn’t expecting Anatoly to come home until the following afternoon, Svetlana stood, ready to defend her home when her husband opened the door.
“Toly!”
He looked so happy, which meant he had won his latest matches.
It was easy to quiet her concerns as he closed the distance and spun her around in a hug, excited for their future and how nothing could get in their way.
***
Svetlana was pouring herself tea when her brother spoke up.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Sveta.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Erik.”
An annoyed glare was sent to the blond man, who met it with a disbelieving look.
“I told you this would happen, that he would just--”
“He hasn’t broken my heart, Erik. He just has a busy schedule and traveling with two young girls would be too exhausting.”
Svetlana had repeated that reason so often that she almost believed it. Almost could believe it had been discussed that first year.
“And that’s why I’m here filming a home video for him, since he’s so ‘busy’.”
Sighing in exasperation, Svetlana handed her brother his tea.
“Erik, you’ve always looked for a reason to hate him, this is no different.”
Turning to get her own tea, Svetlana stared into the liquid as her older brother sighed. She didn’t want to admit that each year that passed she felt as though she was losing her husband to his pride.
***
Six months following the conversation in the kitchen with her brother, Svetlana felt as though the floor beneath her had been removed. Erik had fallen at work and had been in a coma for a week before dying. The girls had stayed with her parents or remaining brother while Svetlana had been at the hospital.
Facing things alone wasn’t a new phenomena, but after meeting Anatoly, Svetlana hadn’t need to do so until now. She hadn’t even bothered trying to reach out, the distance between them too vast. How had it gotten so bad? Maybe it was the stress. Maybe he would notice, because he always seemed to know when she was upset. At least, he had before all of this.
Sitting in the living room and staring at nothing, the blonde woman didn’t even look up when she heard Anatoly walk in. Without so much as a greeting, Anatoly headed to their room. Left alone in the dimly lit room, Svetlana just held her head in her hands, all the doubts and concerns, everything she had tried to deny was too obvious and it was possibly too late. Anatoly had changed and she didn’t know what to do or say anymore. She had let it happen by biting her tongue and now she was alone.
***
By the time Anatoly was preparing to go to Merano for the World Championship, it had been four years since Molokov had approached him, and six months since Svetlana admitted the truth to herself. The one thing Anatoly had managed to do for her in this whole charade was keep attention away from her and the girls, keeping to his policy of not discussing his private life in public. True, Svetlana couldn’t always avoid the press, but she had long since mastered the art of answering questions without revealing what she really thought. She kept to the script she had to, and didn’t care that she was seen as an ice queen.
While she kept to the scrip in public, though, at home things were a different matter. At least when Anatoly was around, rare as that was. It was almost as if Molokov was purposefully keeping the two separated, as if he worried Svetlana would undo all of his training.
Walking into their bedroom, Svetlana just quirked a brow at Anatoly as he packed. After a moment, he noticed her presence and sighed in exasperation.
“I don’t have time for this, Svetlana.”
“Time for what? I haven’t said anything.”
“No, but you have the look like you want to and I really don’t--”
“Have the time.” Finishing Anatoly’s comment as she crossed her arms, Svetlana rolled her eyes in annoyance. Of course he noticed now she wanted to talk.
“It seems as though you have the time for little else than your pride these days.”
“You wouldn’t understanding. Now can you please --”
She wouldn’t understand? That was a laugh. Stepping into the room and closing the distance between them, Svetlana glared up at her husband.
“I understand better than you could imagine. You think all you have to do is win and you will have some kind of purpose. Who is it that taught you the game in the first place? Who has stood by your side as you worked towards your goals? But none of that matters now because you are too infatuated with your pride and how winning and fame make you fee. You will destroy everything in your path for a fleeting moment of elation at the win before you feel consumed to do more.”
“Svetlana, I’m serious…”
“Of course you are! All you do is eat, drink and sleep chess. You are blind to the changes in this family. How the girls barely know you and you don’t care because god forbid your family matter to you more than a game!”
Eyes narrowed, the petite blonde stood toe to toe with her husband.
“But tell me where you’ll be when this is all said and done? I’ll tell you. Back where you were before. Alone. Because you let your pride rule and ignored the destruction it caused around you.”
If her words had any lasting impression on Anatoly, Svetlana didn’t know. A flicker in his eyes could be her imagine, some sort of naive hope that she could still reach him. All she got was curt ‘I need to go now’ before watching her husband walk around her and out of their home. She didn’t regret her words because they needed to be said. All she could do now was wait to see the outcome of them.