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Everything was one huge dark blur to Kihyun. The thoughts wouldn't stop flowing and neither would the tears. Every one he had rang true, and the fact that his mind could supply such accurate examples and explanations for each with ease stung; it fucking hurt to know that even his own self couldn't deny that what had briefly flickered across his mind in a moment of weakness was the best choice.
He had been happy earlier, had felt like seeing another day wasn't something to dread, but then he saw it - saw him - in his instagram feed and that had been ok, but then he felt the sudden urge to go through all of their old tagged posts and re-read every single essay of a paragraph proclaiming their love for one another. That was a fatal mistake, he knew even before he started that he shouldn't add onto the stress and pain he was already feeling, but when did he not make mistakes.
They had been such great friends, such great lovers, their bond something people could only dream of achieving, and the love they had for one another was the stuff modern day stories were made from. So many tags and comments, so many posts dedicated to each other, so many secret texts and smiley pictures. So much happiness, so much blind faith.
Now it all seemed like a distant memory. It is a distant memory.
Seeing just how much he had once meant to the other felt like someone was shoving hot coals down his throat and into the center of his chest. The more he read the more it intensified, and he kept reading even after he swore the unbearable heat had burnt him from the inside out, leaving nothing more than a hollowed out vessel.
The thoughts and the tears increased.
He's so tired, both mentally and physically, but he can never sleep. Anxiety consumes every part of him, making it hard to breathe hard to eat hard to be.
Would anyone miss him? His dog, sure, and his parents and other family members would probably be sad for a while, but he can't find it in himself to believe that he wouldn't be doing anyone and everyone a gigantic favor by leaving. He's too troublesome, too dependent.
The tears escape from him in a continuous stream at this point and he flips around in bed, phone placed off to the side, immediately soaking the other side of his pillow, but he's too busy wondering, "How to do it, though," to care.
An odd sense of peace slowly spreads throughout him the further into planning he gets, and for once he feels as though he's finally going to do something right.
He decides upon a cliche ending, not even surpised that his stupid self couldn't supply better, less obvious choices.
He forces himself up and out of bed, softly padding donwstairs to the kitchen. He poors himself a glass of water before he carefully grabs the large bottle from one of the drawers, walking back to his room as slowly as possible to avoid jostling it and making any noise.
Before he goes through with this he takes a moment to hold his beloved furry dog. He hugs her tightly to his chest and fails to not hold in the new stream of tears that threatened to fall. He apologizes to her profusely, tells her multiple times that she made him so happy and that he loves her so much. She stares at him weirdly, head tilted, and places what feels like a reassuring paw on Kihyun's shoulder. He breaks down again.
Once he's made sure she's safely in his parents room he goes back to his room and closes the door, sits on the center of his bed then uncaps the bottle, pouring a small portion onto the palm of his left hand. He takes a drink of the water then tilts his head back and opens his mouth, dropping all of the pills in and swallowing with minor difficulty.
He repeats the same process until his vision starts to blur - this time not from tears. He lays down and grabs his phone, clicking into their old messages. He had sent the last text, not even surprised when he noticed that he had been left on read, and squinted as he tried to send one more to also be left on read (if he was lucky).
to hoseok: im sorry dor saginf alk fbe weong tthibgs i love yiu
The phone slipped from his hands, bouncing off of his chest and landing on the bed next to him. He hoped he had sent it.
There were so many thoughts racing through his mind but he couldn't grasp on to any of it. He's tired, so so tired (all he knows is that he isn't in pain anymore and the thought of no tomorrow - nothing to stress over - sounds like a blessing).
Almost five years of friendship turned into a relationship, of stories traded and the most private of secrets shared, just for him to suddenly act like Kihyun doesn't exist - or if Kihyun were lucky he'd act like he was busy but still gave a halfhearted response.
The constant vibrating coming from his side failed to register in his foggy mind, his eyes slipping shut and his breathing and heartbeat slowing to a barely noticeable pace.
The thoughts, the tears, the stress, the pain, were all numbed.
And then, in the darkness of his room, Kihyun takes his last breath and finally gets his wish: to no longer exist.