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It was raining outside.
Not a light drizzle or a brief misty spell but a summer monsoon in all its glory, drowning the desert, shaking the Garrison barracks to their foundations. Whenever Keith remembers their first and last night together, he always remembers the sound of the rain underlying everything; the rumble of thunder too close as Shiro held him tightly, the crackling silver flash of lightning illuminating Shiro’s dark eyes and smiling mouth, the rain pounding against the roof as they fell asleep.
There’s a drought, now, and when the monsoon comes this year it’s more thunder than rain. Keith stands outside, alone, tipping his head up to the roiling black clouds to taste the ozone. When he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine the rain on his skin, touching him as tenderly as Shiro had.
As only Shiro had.
*
nine months ago
The door banged shut behind them as they stumbled into Shiro’s room, the sounds of the party fading into the distance, forgotten in the wake of their clumsy yet eager hands on each other, their mouths slotting together in messy, desperate kisses – that part, at least, they knew.
Keith loved kissing Shiro, loved the feeling of Shiro’s lips upon his own, Shiro’s tongue inside his mouth, Shiro’s stubble rasping over his skin as he angled their heads better, deeper, the kiss breaking on a gasp. Keith stumbled, his back hitting Shiro’s desk, and he made no attempt to escape as Shiro cornered him against it. His eyes were heavy, black with want, reflected back in Keith’s gaze.
Shiro sank to his knees without further warning and Keith’s mouth went dry, knuckles gripping the edge of the desk tightly. “Takashi,” he gasped as Shiro nuzzled right between his legs, exhaling hot and teasing over the growing bulge beneath the stiff fabric. Then Shiro’s hands slid up to his inner thighs, forcing him to widen the stance of his legs, and Keith’s head thudded back against the wall when Shiro started mouthing and licking at him through his pants.
“Takashi!” Keith said, louder, impatient, and Shiro just looked up at him with a raised eyebrow before tugging down his zipper with painful slowness. The pants came down, leaving Keith standing in his obviously tented briefs, and a low sound rumbled in Shiro’s throat. It made Keith shiver. Shiro hooked his fingers into the hem of his briefs and tugged them off, too, letting Keith kick the pants and underwear away and stripping his shirt off hastily until he was naked, chest rising and falling unevenly under Shiro’s gaze.
“So beautiful,” Shiro whispered, stubble scratching at Keith’s thigh as he leaned in again. He took Keith’s cock into his mouth slowly but with purpose, eyes never leaving Keith’s, tongue curling around his length and teasing him to full hardness. Keith could see the head of his cock poking into Shiro’s cheek and slumped helplessly against the desk, blood running hot at the sight.
“I thought,” Keith managed, “you said you’d never done this before.”
Shiro pulled off, blinking innocently, though any degree of innocence was hard to achieve when a string of saliva ran from his lips to the slick head of Keith’s cock. “I haven’t,” he said, his voice lower than usual, hoarse in a way that made Keith’s knees weak. “Just thought about doing it a lot. To you.”
Keith swore. “I can’t believe you made me wait for this,” he grumbled, abruptly cutting off with a sigh when Shiro dragged his tongue up his cock. “I can’t believe you were gonna try to make me wait until you came back, fuck, fuck, do that again.”
Shiro paused in lapping at his balls and tilted his head, expression serious, which meant there was an Age Lecture coming on. “You know it’s not unreasonable for me to want to wait until you’re eighteen, Keith,” he said. “Most of the senior cadets and pilots would even consider that too young if they knew, and –”
“They don’t know,” Keith snapped. “They don’t know us, Shiro, they don’t know how you – how you treat me, how you’ve always treated me.” He frowned. “Besides, I’m eighteen in two weeks. Not my fault your mission leaves tomorrow and doesn’t wait for me to be legal.”
“Hmph,” Shiro said, shaking his head and kissing Keith’s hips. “Should’ve pitched that idea to the board, bet that would’ve gone over really well.”
Keith snorted. “I just think it’s silly, when we’ve been dating for a year now.”
“Almost a year,” Shiro corrected.
“Yeah, you made me wait for that, too,” Keith huffed.
“Not true,” Shiro murmured, “I didn’t know.”
“That I wanted you?” Keith blinked. “I wasn’t exactly subtle about it.”
“Admiration and attraction are two different things, and I didn’t want to presume, or make you feel uncomfortable –”
“You didn’t,” Keith said, cupping his face and shaking his head. “You never have, Shiro, you know that.” He let out an unsteady breath. “Now, enough talking, okay?”
“Okay,” Shiro whispered, and sucked his cock back into his mouth. Keith moaned, barely managing to stifle the sound with his hand…and then thinking better of it, letting the moan fall from his lips.
The party was loud enough that they might not be heard, and even if they were…well, Shiro was about to embark on a four month-long mission to one of Pluto’s moons, it wouldn’t surprise anyone that he wanted to get some action before leaving. They just didn’t have to know who he was getting the action with, even though sometimes Keith was tempted to climb onto the Garrison roof and tell the whole world that his boyfriend was Takashi Shirogane. Partly to convince himself – it was a hard concept to wrap his mind around sometimes.
Like now, when Shiro had his nose buried in Keith’s pubic hair and his throat tight around the head of his cock. Keith sucked in a breath and tried not to move his hips – he didn’t know how Shiro wasn’t choking yet as it was, but there was a determined set to his brow as he swallowed around Keith’s cock and bobbed his head.
“Shiro,” Keith panted, tentatively reaching down, letting his hand rest on Shiro’s head, not to push him down but just to feel, carding his fingers through soft black hair, nails running across the shorn-short sides. “Shiro, ‘m gonna –”
Shiro hummed in encouragement and palmed Keith’s ass, tugging him closer, deeper, and Keith choked on air and came, Shiro’s fingers digging into his skin. Shiro swallowed again, white dribbling out of the corners of his mouth, lips swollen obscenely, and Keith wiped the cum away with his thumb as his softening cock slipped out of Shiro’s mouth.
Shiro sat back on his heels, waiting for Keith to recover, but Keith was so done with waiting. He yanked Shiro to his feet by his jacket lapels, kissing him hard, Shiro’s startled sound buzzing against his lips. Shiro tasted like him, he realized, arousal sparking in him anew at the thought. Keith shoved at Shiro’s jacket ineffectually, needing to touch him right the fuck now.
“Okay, okay,” Shiro laughed breathlessly, unzipping his jacket and pulling his shirt up and over his head, baring his chest for Keith’s perusal. Obviously Keith had seen him shirtless before, had cuddled with him shirtless, too, but he’d never gotten his mouth on Shiro’s skin like this, giving into the overwhelming urge to bite at the join between his neck and shoulder, sucking a bruise into the tan skin and feeling Shiro groan softly, leaning more of his weight onto Keith.
Keith’s hands wandered downwards, rubbing curiously at his nipples and smiling when Shiro jolted in surprise and the flesh pebbled and peaked under his touch, then lower, over his taut stomach and cut hipbones, following the thick line of black hair until his fingers dipped beneath Shiro’s waistband and into his underwear. Keith felt hot damp skin and then Shiro grabbed his wrist, stopping him. Keith looked up, an argument on his lips which faded as Shiro walked him towards the bed, shedding his pants and boxers on the way.
They were both fully, gloriously naked when they hit the mattress, and Keith decided there were few places better in the world than underneath naked Shiro.
“Keith,” Shiro said, strained. Keith realized, belatedly, that he’d been rubbing up against Shiro’s cock. In his defense, it was right there, and just like the rest of him, Shiro’s cock was nothing short of perfect, long and heavy on Keith’s hip as Shiro shifted nervously above him, his own cock beginning to harden again at the thought of what was going to happen next –
“Keith,” Shiro repeated, stroking Keith’s hair in a way that was meant to be soothing for both of them. Tension was pouring off of him in waves, and Keith was confused by the realization that Shiro was apprehensive about this, when he was literally getting voluntarily launched into space tomorrow morning. Keith highly doubted sex was anywhere near as complicated and risky. Less g-force, anyway.
“Shiro,” Keith said, draping his arms around his neck invitingly. “What is it?”
“I just,” Shiro said, and stopped, licking his lips. “I…would you rather if we switched?”
Keith blinked. “Uhh,” he said, halting, very confused now, “are you saying you want me to fuck you?”
“Well, I just, if you want to, you can, I’d want that, with you, I just think that, um, there’s a higher possibility that I might hurt you, so it might be a bad idea if I…”
“Are you seriously saying that you’re afraid to fuck me because your dick is bigger?” Keith asked incredulously.
Shiro turned red. “I – yeah. I guess so. It’s not – don’t laugh at me, Keith, this is a serious concern!”
Keith couldn’t help it, he was giggling uncontrollably, and only managed to stop when Shiro’s gaze slid away in embarrassment. He sighed, still smiling, and squeezed Shiro’s shoulder reassuringly. “Listen,” he murmured, “I want you to fuck me, Shiro, and I’m not the one who’s gonna be sitting in a spaceship for hours on end tomorrow, so I don’t care if I’m sore afterwards. In fact,” he added, voice dropping lower, “I hope I’m sore afterwards, so I can feel you just a little longer.”
Shiro’s pupils dilated visibly, his breath shallowing. “Oh.”
“‘Oh?’ C’mon, Takashi, that’s all you’ve got?” Keith snorted.
Shiro flushed. “Not my fault you’re so hot,” he retorted.
It was Keith’s turn to been speechless. “Says you,” he mumbled.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Shiro said, nosing playfully at his ear, drawing a soft gasp from Keith when he nipped at the lobe.
“You know,” Keith whispered. “You literally look like one of those marble Greek statues we saw at the art museum last month. Well…almost like them.”
Shiro’s mouth twitched. “Bigger dick?”
“Bigger dick,” Keith confirmed, and they dissolved into giggles, and the laughter made Shiro settle fully on top of him, their hips aligning, and Keith’s laughter cut off with a needy whine at the friction. “Speaking of which,” he said, spreading his legs and watching as Shiro’s flush spread down his chest.
“Keith, you have to be sure,” Shiro whispered, an edge of desperation to his voice. “I really…I really want to make this good for you, so you have to tell me if I do something that you don’t want. Please.”
Keith nodded firmly. “Yeah. I’ll tell you. Although it’ll be good no matter what, because it’s you.”
Shiro’s face crumpled at that. “I’m going to miss you so much,” he said, voice shaking.
“Hey, shh, enough of that,” Keith said, because if Shiro got emotional, he would, too, and he didn’t want tonight to end in tears. “We’re both here right now, aren’t we? You promised, Shiro.”
“I did promise,” Shiro agreed, kissing his cheek and leaning over to the nightstand, opening a drawer and rummaging through it. Keith’s stomach flipped and he scooted up on the bed, arranging pillows to his liking while Shiro uncapped the lube and tore off a condom.
Keith blinked at the foil square and back up at Shiro. “Do we need to?” he asked. “If we’ve both never done this before…”
Shiro blinked back at him. “I thought you’d prefer if we did…I mean…it’ll be messier.” Blushing Shiro was one of the cutest things in the world, Keith was convinced.
“I’m one of the messiest people you know,” Keith retorted. “Besides, there’s a shower like ten feet away from us, and nobody’s gonna be using this bed for months.”
“Keith, I’m not leaving my bed with cum all over it – mmph!”
Keith kissed him and indulged in squeezing Shiro’s ass, making him moan into the kiss and grab blindly at Keith’s thighs until they could wrap around his waist, pressing them closer. Keith heard the snap of a cap opening, and then felt cold fingers dragging over his cock slowly, teasing...but also hesitant. Keith understood then that Shiro was trying to make this last – he didn’t want it to be over, because when it was over, it would just mean he was one step closer to leaving.
It had been easy at the time to congratulate Shiro on being accepted into the Kerberos crew with Matt, easy to be excited about the wonder of space and caught up in the glory of it all, but now…now, it was anything but easy. Letting Shiro go was going to be the hardest thing Keith had ever done, and his life had not been easy to begin with.
“Shiro, it’s alright,” Keith murmured against his lips, reaching between them to take ahold of Shiro’s wrist and guide his fingers further down. “I’ve done this part before; I can help, if you need.”
Shiro’s fingers increased their pressure against him, his cock twitching visibly. “You’ve fingered yourself before?” he hissed.
“You made me wait,” Keith countered, tipping his chin up defiantly. “I had to make do.”
“You’ve been thinking about this,” Shiro groaned, finally working one finger inside, a faint sigh leaving Keith’s lips at the intrusion. There was an ache, and Shiro’s fingers felt different than his own – longer and thicker and more calloused in places, roughness rubbing up against the softest parts of him. It made him feel vulnerable – Shiro always made him feel vulnerable. But in a good way, somehow. Like he was something precious, something worth protecting.
Every time Shiro looked at him, Keith felt like all his defenses were stripped away, just from a single look. He’d spent his whole life trying to shut out and push away others and Shiro had disarmed him with the bright, guileless smile he’d given Keith the first day they met. Nobody had ever looked at him like that before Shiro. He had grown used to disappointment and being ignored, only for Shiro to make him feel like the most important person in the room.
Keith knew that when Shiro left, he would sink back into his old habits, returning to the shadows alone. But he could bask in Shiro’s warm brilliance for tonight, and Keith had never been a selfish person before Shiro but now; now he wanted this man’s light all to himself, he wanted to feel those hands and lips upon his skin every day, every night, he always wanted to hear that familiar, soothing voice saying his name and telling him he could do anything. It had only been a year with Shiro but it had been the best year of Keith’s life. Keith knew everything had expiration dates, had known from the start that he and Shiro would be no different.
But he’d hoped. He remembered one late night spent on Shiro’s couch watching a documentary about Ancient Egypt, because that was the kind of quality entertainment Keith enjoyed; listening to the archaeologists talk about artifacts found in pyramids, about the dead preserved alongside all of the things they’d loved in life. The archaeologists had found everything from pets to organs to manuscripts to jars of food, all of which was reduced to dust and moldy remnants…except for the honey. The honey was perfectly preserved, as good thousands of years later as it had been the day it was harvested.
And in his sleepy state, snuggled up against Shiro as he dozed and drooled all over the cushions, Keith had thought that maybe he and Shiro could be like that honey, never spoiling, never losing any of their sweetness.
“Hey, you still with me?” Shiro nudged his shoulder gently, worried. “I can stop if you –”
“No, don’t stop,” Keith said quickly, a little too quickly.
Shiro huffed in fond amusement. He had three fingers inside now, which was more than Keith had ever managed – he felt very full, but it wasn’t painful. That was probably due to the obscene amount of lube Shiro had used – it had gotten everywhere, smeared all along his thighs and balls and covering Shiro’s hand up to the wrist…Keith shook himself.
Shiro tapped his jaw. “What were you thinking so hard about just now, hmm?”
“Pyramids,” Keith said absently, lips parting on a soft moan when Shiro’s fingers sank deeper.
Shiro raised a bemused eyebrow. “Why pyramids?”
“They kept honey in…fuck…in the pyramids, in the tombs. And honey doesn’t…honey doesn’t expire,” Keith managed, toes curling as Shiro’s fingers did. “Did you…ah…know that?”
“I think I did read that before, somewhere,” Shiro mused. “But why…”
“I don’t want us to expire,” Keith said honestly.
Shiro’s fingers stilled, brow creasing. “Keith, hey,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to Keith’s forehead and frowning. “You know I’m not breaking up with you when I leave, right? You’ll still be my boyfriend in space.” He faltered. “That is, if…if you want us to still be –”
“Of course I want,” Keith snapped. “But it’s just not…it’s just not realistic, is it, to think that we’d have a future together –”
Shiro’s fingers twisted, almost harsh, and Keith shuddered, back arching against the sheets and breath shallowing as Shiro loomed over him, jaw set and eyes stern. “And why not,” he demanded. “Why can’t we have a future together, Keith?”
Keith’s eyes widened. “I – because you’re…you’re you, and I’m me, and you shouldn’t be tied down to me when you could –”
“You are not a burden,” Shiro said fiercely, his eyes burning just like his cock where it slid against Keith’s. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Keith.”
Keith hated himself for it, but his throat tightened with a lump and he had to blink furiously to keep his eyes from watering. “You want to stay with me,” he whispered.
“God, of course I want to stay, I’ll stay, when I come back, I’ll stay with you, Keith, I promise,” Shiro breathed, fingers moving in and out of him and making him twist and whine, spurred on by Shiro’s low, intent words. “We will have a future together, okay, we will, you and me.”
“You and me,” Keith echoed, letting himself hope for honey; squeezing his eyes shut and feeling a single tear leak out, tracing a gossamer path down his cheek, shivering when Shiro kissed it away and murmured comfort into his ear. “Please,” he said at last, and he’d never say it to anyone else, he’d never pleaded before Shiro, because he wouldn’t give anyone else that advantage over him.
But Shiro, Shiro was safety and trust and security; Shiro’s heart was pure and good in a way that so few were in this world. Keith’s certainly wasn’t. But Shiro had given his heart to Keith anyway, and for that, Keith was eternally grateful.
Shiro would never use his weakness against him, because he knew how much it meant that Keith was letting him see it in the first place. Sure enough, he just nodded and kissed him, long and sweet, distracting Keith from the sensation of his fingers leaving and his cock readying to replace them. Keith whispered please again when he felt Shiro hesitate, and then…and then.
“Keith,” Shiro groaned, voice lower than Keith had ever heard it, barely a word at all.
“Please,” he gasped a third time, wrapping his legs around Shiro’s waist, clinging to him, trying to bring him closer despite the spreading burn between his legs. He didn’t care. He really didn’t care, because Shiro was inside of him, finally. “You can – you have to –”
“Yes, thank you, I’m theoretically aware of what to do,” Shiro muttered, strained.
Keith turned his head to the side to look at Shiro, who still had his face tucked against Keith’s shoulder. “Are – are you okay?”
“Gimme a second,” Shiro said shortly.
Keith blinked. And then, slowly, grinned. “You’re trying not to come,” he said, voice breathy but steady enough. “Aren’t you?”
Shiro’s gaze flicked to him. “Why – why’re you so smug, huh? You already came once; it’s easier for you…”
“Oh, it’s easier for me,” Keith repeated. “Do you have any idea – how fucking full I am right now? Feels like you’re gonna split me in half –”
Shiro shifted backwards in alarm. “Is it too mu –”
Keith hissed and grabbed his ass, nails and all, yanking him back in and making them both grunt at the sudden movement, Shiro bracing himself heavily over Keith, a hand on either side of his head. “Don’t you dare,” Keith said. “I finally got your dick in me and there’s no way you’re stopping already, Takashi!”
Shiro made a strangled sound. “Figures you’d be bossy in bed, too.”
Keith groaned in frustration and tried to rock his hips and force him deeper. “I wouldn’t be if you’d just hurry up and fuck me already –”
“Who said anything about hurrying?” Shiro countered, teeth scraping cool and wet over his neck. “I’m not hurrying.” At least he was moving now, even if it was in torturously slow thrusts, his cock dragging in and out as he worked his hand around Keith’s balls.
“You have to get up early in the morning,” Keith protested, “you need to be well-rested –”
“Fuck that,” Shiro growled, the sound doing something strange yet really damn good to Keith. “I can sleep in space. I can’t fuck you in space, however.”
“Might be difficult,” Keith agreed, “what with the lack of gravity – yes, shit, there, no – ohh!”
“I’m not rushing this,” Shiro whispered. “You deserve better than rushed. You deserve more than one night.”
“We’ll have more than one night,” Keith gasped, head tipping back against the pillow and moans spilling from his lips as Shiro’s thrusts grew stronger, his cockhead glancing off Keith’s prostate enough to make him whimper and beg Shiro again. Keith only had Shiro’s hands tightening on his thighs as warning before he was flipped onto his front, face buried against the pillows and Shiro’s hands bringing his hips up to meet each thrust while pumping his leaking cock leisurely.
Keith cried out into the cotton at the new angle and Shiro kissed his spine as if to remind him he was there. It was a sweet gesture but Keith was already overwhelmingly aware of Shiro’s presence, of his heat at his back and his hands holding him in place and his increasingly loud panting and of course his cock, stretching him wide and driving so deep inside it felt impossible. Keith didn’t know whether it was tears or sweat or spit dampening the pillow beneath his face – probably a combination of the three. He hadn’t…he hadn’t anticipated this, somehow. He hadn’t anticipated falling apart entirely, yet there he was, shattered wide open under Shiro.
Shiro’s kisses trailed over his back again, finding his neck and jaw and cheek and finally his mouth. He touched Keith’s slick, slack lips and made a rumbling sound like a purr. Then he was tugging Keith over, onto his side, Shiro still flush against him, in him; but this time spooned up along his spine and holding him close to his chest, warm and safe in his embrace.
Keith writhed and sobbed and Shiro said, I’m here, I’m right here with you, Keith, I love you so much, and all Keith could say was, More than anything? and Shiro said, Yes. And Keith whispered, I love you too, and spilled all over Shiro’s fist and sheets and his own stomach with a force that matched the tidal wave of emotions crashing through his head and heart.
Shiro bit down hard on his shoulder as he came inside of him, and Keith hoped he left a mark, hoped he could run his fingertips over the imprints and remember this moment until they faded with time. Though the imprint Shiro had left on him was more than skin-deep, Keith knew.
*
He knows this even now, even as he watches the cold, distant stars and thinks about Shiro dying among them, alone.
He wonders if Shiro thought about love then. He wonders if it hurt.
He thinks about honey covered in a swarm of flies, drowning in the sugar until it kills them.
He thinks if he had wings, they would be covered in honey now, too.
*
Afterwards, there was quiet. Quiet, except for the rain – they listened to it fall together, unmoving from where they lay, Shiro curled around Keith and Keith holding Shiro’s hands in his own, over his heart. He’d been struck in that moment by the inexplicable fear that it would stop beating. He’d counted the beats in his head to make sure. Shiro had hummed a song – a lullaby. It sounded like a lullaby to Keith, anyway, blending with the rain in a low harmony of white noise.
“We have to move eventually, you know,” Shiro murmured when the lullaby was over for the fifth time.
“Mmm,” Keith said, drowsy, unwilling to see how wobbly his legs were just yet. “If I were a pharaoh, I’d want you buried in my pyramid with me.”
Shiro laughed the laugh he reserved only for Keith – soft and hopelessly charmed. “Yeah? With all your canopic jars and ankhs and mummy cats, there’d be a Shiro?”
“Mhm,” Keith said, rolling onto his back to look up at him, smiling. “I’d even give you a fancy gold sarcophagus. Maybe stick a cat in there, just for good measure.”
“I do like cats,” Shiro chuckled. “Preferably living ones, though.”
“Mummy cats are cool too,” Keith yawned.
Shiro poked him. “Uh-uh, no you don’t, no falling asleep yet. Shower first.”
“Your bed’s already a mess,” Keith protested weakly, flopping onto his stomach and making it messier to prove his point.
“Are you gonna make me carry you there?” Shiro said, rolling his eyes.
“Good idea,” Keith mumbled into the pillow.
“I thought you were supposed to be the young, energetic one,” Shiro grumbled as he scooped Keith up and carried him bridal style to the shower cubicle.
“I’d like to see you try to walk after having this inside of you,” Keith shot back, poking Shiro’s soft cock.
“Hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not physically possible,” Shiro said apologetically, washing him off despite Keith’s halfhearted grabs for the soap.
Keith snorted. “Too bad. You’re missing out.”
Shiro kissed him under the hot spray and murmured, “Next time you can show me, yeah?”
“Next time,” Keith had agreed happily, because back then, he had been naïve enough to believe in next times and futures.
Shiro had changed the sheets before letting Keith crawl back into the bed because he was actually conscientious about stuff like hygiene; but he’d also swallowed Keith’s cum, so Keith didn’t really understand where he drew the line there. Keith had no lines, clearly.
Still, clean sheets were always nice, soft and fragrant as he nestled into them and into Shiro and closed his eyes. He didn’t tell himself, When you wake up, it will be to watch him leave. He didn’t tell himself, This is the last time he will hold you for months. He especially didn’t tell himself what he feared most, which was, This might be the last night you ever have with him.
But he should have, because it was.
But what a night it had been. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if that night hadn’t been so perfect. If he hadn’t been so perfect.
*
Keith looks at the stars through the storm clouds and says, “I love you,” and wonders if he will ever be able to stop waiting for a reply.