Work Text:
Life post-Steve was a lot like life pre-Steve except that Bucky remembered why he didn’t do relationships. It hurt too fucking much when they didn’t work out.
There had been some terse words exchanged when Bucky came back to work after his last official overnight shift and Natasha immediately asked about Steve. In the end, Bucky hadn’t needed to actually use the words “break up” because Natasha was that good at reading people. She left Bucky to do paperwork while she covered the counter just in case Steve showed up but they both knew he wouldn’t.
Darcy wanted to go hunt Steve down and chop off delicate bits of his anatomy and, while Bucky appreciated the offer, he warned her off. Maria said she “knew people” and all he’d have to do is let her know when and where. Bucky really did love his co-workers.
Becca blamed herself. “Maybe he wasn’t ready to meet your family? I mean you did say he’d just lost his mom not too long ago…”
“Bec stop. You had nothing to do with it. He was being weird for a couple of days.”
“But he hurt you and nobody gets to hurt my Bucky Bear.” They were walking along the promenade, coffee in hand to brace against the chilling weather. Bucky wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to press a kiss to the side of her head.
So that was his life again. Work, home, spend time with Becca...lather, rinse, repeat. Bucky tried joining a gym but too many people staring at his arm made him uncomfortable so he just went back to running and bought a set of barbells for his apartment.
He was running errands a few weeks later and saw the ad Steve had been talking about going up on the side of a building. There was a small contingent from Steve’s graphic design firm off to one side and Bucky’s heart clenched when he saw Steve among them. He stood off to one side and watched Steve talking to the other people in the group, pointing down to his tablet and then up at the building. He looked at ease but Bucky remembered him saying how he hated dealing with groups of people.
“Bucky?” He heard Steve call out and Bucky almost bolted but, instead, he decided to pretend he was an adult and stay.
“Hey Steve.” And of course this would be the time his witticisms would fail him. “Congrats on the ad. It looks great!” Bucky had never wished for the ground to swallow him more than he did in that moment but then Steve blushed and Bucky’s stomach fell.
“Thank you. What brings you around here? I thought you’d be at work.” His voice was soft and sincere and Bucky wanted to forget everything that had happened but it still Hurt Too Much.
“I just finished making a bank run. I opened so already been and gone. What about you? I thought you hated dealing with groups.”
Steve shrugged, switching the tablet from one hand to the other. “I do but I was the lead designer and the client wanted me to oversee the ad going up so here I am. Uhm listen about everything that happened…”
He waved off whatever Steve was about to say. “It’s fine. We were on different wavelengths, that’s all.” He hated the words as soon as they’d left his mouth, the lie so thick he felt as if he would choke on it.
“That’s the thing. We weren’t. I just...God I wish I had called you like I wanted to but I didn’t think you’d answer.” Bucky couldn’t look at him because he felt the weight of his gaze and Bucky refused to give even so much as an inch.
“Well you didn’t even try, did you, so how would you know if I would or not?” There was an edge to his voice, raw and jagged. Guess the pain really hadn’t faded as much as he thought.
Bucky was still looking just to one side of Steve’s face, not ready to see whatever emotion was written on his features or shining from those gorgeous blue eyes. “Yeah I deserved that. Just like I don’t deserve for you to give me a chance to explain but I’m hoping you will?”
He wanted to say no but he wanted, no he needed, to know what Steve had to say for himself. “Okay. I’m off at four thirty tomorrow. We can grab a bite before your group.”
“I’m not going to group anymore. I, uhh, I’m seeing a therapist. Figured I had some issues that went beyond the group. But I didn’t think you worked Wednesdays at all?”
Bucky blinked at Steve’s revelation. “Oh uh yeah I’m a full fledged assistant manager so I had to redo my schedule. You didn’t stop going to group because of…” He motioned back and forth between the two of them.
“Not at all. It’s a long story. Meet at the store tomorrow?”
Bucky couldn’t help but snicker. “Probably not the best idea. You’re sort of persona non grata around there after, well, yeah. But how about we meet over at Peaches? I was there with Becca last week and that place is amazing. Tomorrow at five thirty?”
“It’s a date.” Steve smiled brightly before heading back to the group he’d been working with earlier.
A date?
*****************
“What do you mean, you have a date with Steve?!” Natasha hissed over the phone. He’d called to let her know about a note Scott, the new third shift guy, had left about a safe drop being short and had casually mentioned running into Steve.
“That’s what he called it, not me. I just agreed to a meal wherein I would get answers about his bullshit behavior.” Bucky held the phone between his ear and his shoulder and pulled out the paperwork from third to start trying to balance it.
“James Buchanan Barnes…”
“Natalia Alianovna Romanoff…”
“Don’t ever call me that.”
“Well, you started it by three naming me so I figured turnabout was fair play. Besides, I’m the only one in the office so it’s not like anybody else heard me.” Bucky stuck his tongue out even though she couldn’t see him.
“I worry about you. You were a completely different person after that night. I just don’t want you to go through all of that again so soon.” Natasha could be a complete ballbuster but she did have a heart, not that she would admit it.
“I know and I appreciate it. But I need to know why things went down the way they did. And I think he’ll be honest with me. Or I hope he will. Either way if I’m wrong and I get my heart stomped on again, you and Maria and the urchin can do all the horrible things to him that you’ve wanted to do ever since that night. Otherwise, it’s all water under the bridge. Da?”
“Da. Just call me and let me know how it goes. I don’t worry about many people but…”
Bucky smiled as he heard her hang up the phone. He set about fixing the mix up in the safe drop. It wasn’t hard to find. Scott had just miscounted his last drop and mixed up his credit card totals. Bucky had it straightened out in no time. Maria was working so there wasn’t much that needed doing out front so it really was a case of find something to keep him busy. Luckily, he was a pro at that.
Darcy was clocking in when Bucky was heading out and, from the look on her face, he was guessing she’d talked to Natasha at some point. He took his time finishing up paperwork to make sure there wasn’t anything he needed to help with on shift change, making sure the safe was good on change to get through until Natasha came in for the opening shift the next day.
“I can’t believe you’re giving that asshat even one more second of your time.” Darcy snapped and Maria did a double take. “Oh yeah didn’t you hear? Buckaroo here has a date with Steve after he’s done here.”
“Thank you for your heartfelt support, Darce. And I’ve already been through this with Natasha. I just want to know why he did what he did. Nothing more, nothing less.” Bucky sighed and started moving towards the door.
“Good for you.” Maria patted his shoulder and gave him a smile, which was odd because Maria didn’t really smile that often.
“Thanks?”
“But if he hurts you again, I really do know people.” And there was the Maria that he knew and respected. Darcy began protesting again but Bucky waved her off. He had just enough time to make it to the restaurant without making Steve wait...much.
*****************
Steve had been on the edge of frantic all day. Every little thing had set him on the edge of a panic attack and, as much as he’d love to say he didn’t know why, he knew exactly why. Seeing Bucky the previous day had been the best and worst surprise. Best because he’d missed him every day since he’d walked away from him that night at the store. Worst because of walking away from him. He hadn’t been lying when he said he’d wish he had called. He’d picked up the phone and his finger had hovered over Bucky’s name in his phone book more times than he could remember, especially in those first few days afterwards. But the words to explain his actions died in his throat so Steve just put his phone down and, eventually, stopped even trying.
He’d seen Bucky and Becca walking along the promenade one day but it was the wrong time to try to say anything, with Becca right there. Besides, Steve was sure Bucky had told his sister about what had happened after she’d left the store that night and, if Becca was anything like her brother, that was not something he wanted to face in public. So Steve kept up his constant avoidance of any and all places where Bucky might be. That even extended to the restaurants around his office. He got a few weird looks but he just brushed it off as wanting to save money or watch what he ate by bringing his lunch. Janet never bought it, he could tell, because she always asked if he was eating alone.
It figured there was only so long that he could go before running into Bucky somewhere, even in a burrough the size of Brooklyn but the longer it was, the more Steve thought he was okay. But seeing Bucky on the street when they were putting his ad up on the building...Steve knew he wasn’t okay. He got as light-headed as he had the last time he saw Bucky in the store, especially when Bucky smiled and spoke to him instead of running away.
“So you’re having dinner with him.” Sam’s voice was calm and even over the phone.
“Yup. My idea but he picked the restaurant. I called it a date, Sam.” Steve looked around to make sure nobody was obviously eavesdropping.
“And what did he say to that?” Steve didn’t answer. “Oh man you did give him a chance to answer, didn’t you?”
“I had to get back to work!”
“Dude no. That’s just rude as hell. It would serve your ass right if you got stood up but Bucky’s a better person than you are by the sounds of it. So do yourself a favor and don’t fuck this up. I gotta go. Unlike some people, I do actually have a social life.”
“Tell Carol I said hi.”
“Did I hear you say you have a date, Steve?” Janet popped up just as Steve put his cell phone down. He stifled a groan and forced a smile.
“It’s not polite to listen in on other people’s conversations, Janet.” He focused on the design he was working on and not the administrative assistant peering expectantly over the partition.
“But Steve you never talk to anybody anymore! How else are we supposed to know what’s going on in your life?”
“How about you respect my privacy until I deem it ready for public consumption?” There was more menace to his words than Steve intended. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped but please…”
“I understand. You were the only one who didn’t pry after Hank and I divorced. I just...you never come out with us and you never talk about doing anything other than going home or taking care of your mom before she passed away. You have friends here who worry about you. What about that guy I saw you having lunch with, Bucky was it?” Janet perched on the edge of Steve’s desk so they could talk quietly amongst themselves.
“Umm...it’s complicated.” He sat back, crossing his arms over his chest but Janet wasn’t easily swayed from the topic.
“Didn’t look complicated. Looked like a lunch date and you looked happy. Until I came along…” She knocked his leg with her knee. “You don’t have to keep it a secret. You know we’re all open-minded here. I mean hell Daisy’s dating Kamala from 983! And Billy, the intern who just started with us, is engaged to his high school boyfriend. Or is this because of…”
“Don’t say that name, please. And yeah it is. Bucky was the first relationship I’ve had since all of that and I guess I just got scared?” Steve sighed.
“Well I hope your date goes well with whoever it’s with.” Janet started to walk away.
“It’s, uhh, with Bucky actually.” Steve whispered. Janet whipped around, a bright grin on her face. “But don’t get your hopes up for me. I fucked up and this is just me trying to explain myself. I have no expectations of being forgiven.” Janet left with a solemn nod but a not very well hidden grin on her face.
*****************
Bucky had taken his time walking to the restaurant, not wanting to get there too early but also not wanting to be late. He thought about purposefully being late to make Steve sweat a little but he couldn’t bring himself to be that guy. So he walked confidently, checking his phone to make sure he made good time.
Steve was getting out of a taxi right as Bucky crossed the street and they greeted each other with smiles. Bucky wanted to reach out and offer a hug but, again, didn’t want to be That Guy so he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“You made it!” He was a little out of breath from the walk but not overly so and Steve smiled even brighter, if that was possible.
“Why wouldn’t I? Especially after I looked up the menu online.” They stalled outside the restaurant. Steve decided to be a gentleman and opened the door for Bucky. “After you since you’ve actually been here.”
They made small talk while they were seated and looked over the menus, Steve asking how things were at the store and Bucky remarking again on how impressive the building looked the previous day. The was both a tension but also an ease to their conversation and Bucky missed being able to just talk to Steve.
“Was it always this awkward between us?” He finally broke down and asked when the tension got to be too much.
“Not until I fucked this up. Speaking of which, I owe you an explanation and an apology.” Steve leaned forward, pausing when the waiter brought out their entrees. They both thanked him and Steve waited for Bucky to change the subject but, when he didn’t, he continued. “I am so sorry about the way I handled things. You deserved so much better than all that. I, uhm, I don’t communicate well. My therapist teases me and says I need to learn to use my big kid words.” He laughed but Bucky couldn’t. “Sorry. Self deprecating humor is one of my coping mechanisms.”
“Uh-huh.” Bucky muttered, taking a sip of his water, eyes never leaving Steve.
“So I was never ashamed of you, if that’s what you’re thinking. And it’s not that I’m not out at work because I am. Or I was. It’s complicated. There was a guy, Grant...we were together for five years. We met my last year in college. Grant was already working as a designer but he always said I was so much better than he was. So I got the job I have and I put in a good word and got him a job there, too, because he was always complaining that the firm he worked for never gave him the chance to show off his skills. Eventually, we got a place together and I thought everything was going great, ya know?” Steve looked up and Bucky, a strange mix of reminiscing and a fair bit of anger in his eyes. “I introduced him to everybody as the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with. He did, too, but things started changing. He started getting campaigns I was up for at work, using ideas I’d been working on at home on my own. I asked Grant and he just brushed it off, saying ‘Great minds think alike’ or ‘You’ll get ‘em next time, baby.’ I was a fucking idiot.” Steve poked chicken hard with his fork, like it had personally offended him.
“Steve…”
“No I really was. Here was this amazing guy who didn’t mind that I’d never been with anyone before and was willing to give me the time of day and stupid me thought it was real. It wasn’t. He was a plant. It took a competing firm snaking most of our clients for the bigwigs to realize what was going on. Somebody was stealing our ideas and presenting them to our clients before we could. I should’ve been fired but, when my bosses found out I was as in the dark as they were, they took pity on me and let me keep my job. Turned out Grant wasn’t the lowly designer he claimed but he was a partner, albeit a silent one. Came to a presentation and told my bosses and this extremely influential, and conservative, client that my firm might want to look into who they hired because ‘loose lips sink ships’. I got home that afternoon to find all my stuff on the street. That was three years ago and I just moved out of my mom’s house before she got sick.” There was an air of finality as Steve took a long drink of his water and Bucky just blinked several times in rapid succession.
“Shit, Steve...and you haven’t dated since…” He shook his head no. “So that’s why you were so adorably oblivious when I started flirting with you.” Bucky mused. “I just thought I was being too subtle but, well, okay.” He was at a loss so he took a bite of his turkey meatloaf, giving his brain time to process everything Steve had said while he ate. Steve apparently had the same thought, taking a generous bite of his blackened chicken.
“So…” Bucky cleared his throat, hoping to figure out what he was going to say on the fly. “When you saw that Janet person when we were at lunch that day you panicked that she would figure out you were on a date?” Steve nodded yes. “That I can understand but Becca? She has no ties to you and just wanted to know who her brother had been gushing over.” He crossed his arms over his chest and waited, secretly praying that Steve’s explanation wouldn’t be complete bullshit.
Steve finished chewing his food and watched Bucky carefully. “Yes I was afraid Janet would figure out we were on a date but not for the reasons you’re thinking. I didn’t want her giving you the third degree because she’s one of the only people in my office I’m close to and she is fiercely protective of me. I didn’t want her bothering you with a thousand questions. Becca? I honestly panicked. I flashed on all the times I’d introduced Grant as my boyfriend and all the excuses I had to make once he kicked me to the curb and I panicked. There’s absolutely no excusing that or that night at the diner after I introduced you to my group when you were so ready to call me your boyfriend. I have trust issues that have nothing to do with you. You’ve given me so many reasons to trust you and none of the reasons not to, like Grant did.”
“Okay his name is off limits because he makes me wanna go murderous so…” Bucky ground out.
“Works for me because I haven’t said his name in years until tonight. But I am so sorry I fucked things up with you because you are amazing and wonderful and I have never been as happy as I was with you.” Steve’s voice wavered and Bucky had to clutch the table to keep from reaching across for Steve’s hands.
Neither of them spoke for what seemed like an eternity. Bucky stared at a nondescript spot on the table while Steve stared at Bucky. The waiter came by to check on them and Steve spoke for them both in a much more even voice than Bucky was capable of yet.
“Bucky say something please?” Steve leaned over the table. “Tell me to go to hell. Tell me you don’t give a damn about me or my apology…”
Bucky let out an ugly half laugh/half sob that had a couple of the restaurant’s other patrons looking at them but he didn’t care. “That’s the problem, Steve. I do care. It’d be a hell of a lot easier if I could tell you to fuck off with your apology but I can’t. I’ve missed you every second of every day since that night. I walked by your office every day for a week hoping just to catch a glimpse of you leaving for lunch but I didn’t. I went by the school to see if I could see you going in for your group but you weren’t there either. I have every text you ever sent me memorized.” He quickly wiped away the tears that were beginning to fall. “I should get up and leave you sitting here with your I’m sorry but I can’t. So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to finish dinner and you’re gonna pay for dinner, since you called this a date.” Steve couldn’t stop the chuckle that bubbled out.
“Done. Anything else?”
“Then we’re gonna walk outside and you’re gonna give me a goodnight kiss before I get in a taxi home. And you and I are gonna have a picnic on the promenade Saturday after I get out of work, which you’re in charge of making.” Bucky smiled shyly. “And we’re gonna take this one date at a time because, so help me God Steve Rogers, if you run out on me again…”
Steve smiled brighter than Bucky had seen him smile since before Becca had shown up that night in the store. “Never again, Bucky Barnes. Never again.”