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It had been two weeks, and there was no sign of him.
Edward was doing his level best not to panic. He threw himself into his work with vigor, getting things done and out the door with a productivity that was even beyond his usual levels. He refused to worry.
Rian had disappeared off of the face of the earth.
Their relationship was one of those well-kept non-secrets at work. Everyone in Edward's command knew about it; despite what he thought Edward was absolute shit at keeping his emotions in check. Fortunately, he had good men - Havoc and Hawkeye had weathered this storm once before and didn't bat an eye at it; it was Cushler and Bailey that had never had to deal with anything like this. They were both solid guys, though, and they trusted Edward's judgment (probably more than Edward himself did).
It was not unusual for Rian to be gone weeks at a time, if not on a mission, then back home to his foster family to visit. There was no indication at work until the second week that something was really wrong with this picture.
Captain Hawkeye made it her business not to bother Edward about his personal affairs, unless they were affecting his performance at work. He had made a promise to her, when he was still on crutches and newly promoted to Lieutenant Colonel, that he would see Roy Mustang's dream to its fruition even without him - if she would stand by his side and help guide him through the messy politics of the military.
I'm not as good at this as he was.
And she had. She had stood by his side through the promotion and stationing in Central City. She had been there through the mess with the Drachmian terrorists, and she helped form and shape this command into a functioning unit that Edward could trust to work for him even if he wasn't there in person.
Through all that, she never once stepped in to his personal affairs.
She knew, of course. She'd have to be blind and stupid not to know what was going on with Edward and Rian. For the most part, though, Edward kept it all out of the office and Hawkeye never once opened her mouth about it.
It was getting to be late on that Friday, and Edward had completed all of the work for the day. There were rarely any meetings late on a Friday - unless they were in the middle of a conflict most of the brass used it as an excuse to cut the day short. He had already dismissed Cushler and Bailey - the two youngest members of the command, only a year or so Edward's junior but far below him in rank. They never argued about being let out early, and in their scramble to be free never failed to remind him of school-kids escaping seconds before the last bell of the day rung.
Sometimes Edward felt decades older than anyone else.
Hawkeye came in to retrieve the completed reports, and looked at him. Her sharp brown eyes never missed a detail, and she flicked her gaze down to the reports. "I haven't seen Rian in lately," she said thoughtfully. "How is he doing, colonel?"
Edward had been sitting back in his desk chair, legs crossed at the ankle and half-staring out the windows behind him. "I'm sure he's fine," he said after a only a moment's hesitation.
"Hm," was all Hawkeye had to say to that.
She collected the rest of the reports. "It's nearly seventeen hundred," she told Edward, settling the files in her arm. "Once I have these put away I'm going to clock out for the day; you've managed to clear out our entire backlog of work this week."
Edward nodded his head absently. "Have a good weekend, Captain."
Hawkeye paused in the doorway. "We'd all rather have the extra work to do, Colonel," she said. "I hope that things will have resolved by next week." She closed the door softly behind herself.
He sighed, and propped his elbow on the armrest, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. Rian wasn't going to be coming back. He'd very effectively chased the young alchemist out of his life, and every time he told himself it was for the best the words tasted more and more bitter.
Their relationship had been so haphazard, thrown together in spare moments and weekends that they rarely talked about the important things. Edward knew about Rian's past; he knew about his vendetta against General Howard and his original plot to kill the man. He knew Rian's foster family, he knew what the boy sounded like in an unguarded moment of laughter, and he knew both the rage and the happiness that could be on his face.
What did Rian know about him?
That was the problem. Edward never talked about himself, he never talked about his losses because to speak of it was to revisit it, and it was hard enough to open up old wounds. He wasn't comfortable exposing himself like that and because of it, he had forced Rian to go digging. There was no telling what Rian even knew, he had likely found the gloves by accident and had no idea what they meant to Edward. How could he know? Edward hadn't told him anything.
He was too afraid to. The last time he had opened himself up, allowed himself that small sliver of happiness... it had all been taken from him in a violent pillar of flames.
Even if it didn't fix anything, even if he had fucked things up irreparably, Edward had to at least tell him. They had to talk.
~
Edward spent several hours on the phone that evening. He called the train stations, checked the banks and the dormitories, even the libraries. After that didn't turn him up he called his brother, in a very mild state of panic. Good old Alphonse, he had calmed Edward down considerably, talked some sense into him and promised he'd have his intelligence networks keep an ear to the ground.
He ate a hasty dinner in his office, take-out Xingian out of a small cardboard container while he used the military's resources for his own personal agenda. No one had seen Rian anywhere, there was no record of a train ticket purchase using military funds going out of Central; he hadn't been sighted in the military dormitories for at least a week. He even broke down and called the village that Rian's foster family lived in - the Harwoods didn't have a telephone in their home, but the general store in the village did. They hadn't heard of Rian coming back into town but they promised to let the Harwoods know that if Rian were to turn up to have someone give the military command a call.
There was absolutely no sign of him, no matter where Edward looked for him. Rian was gone.
Edward fell asleep on the couch in his office, head pillowed on his automail arm and an open bottle of whiskey on the low table beside him. He had really fucked this one up.
~
He woke up warmer than he had when he went to sleep. Once it became off-hours he had shucked off his military jacket and flung it into the arm chair, unable to wear it a second longer. Edward blinked his eyes, realizing that there was a hand resting on the side of his head, gently stroking his hair.
Edward lay there for a moment, and closed his eyes again. He had to take this moment to pretend that everything was all right and that it would be okay, because if it wasn't ... that would be it. He would have nothing left.
"You're awake."
Rian's voice was soft. Half the lights in the office were off; Edward really didn't recall turning them off before falling asleep. He slid out from under Rian's hand and sat up, his hair worked loose from its ponytail. The jacket that Rian had covered him with was Edward's own black greatcoat, and it slipped down into his lap as he looked down at it blearily. Then Edward looked over at Rian.
He looked tired, but well. There was no indication of where he had been, he was wearing the same clothes he had been the last time Edward saw him. Of course, it seemed that Rian only had one outfit he wore regularly, and Edward could relate with that. He practically lived in the same sets of clothes for months on end when he was Rian's age. He was watching Edward with measured eyes.
"Where have you been?" Edward asked; voice thick with drink and sleep.
"It doesn't matter," Rian said.
"Yes, it does." Edward said. "I was worried about you, I couldn't find you, where have you been?"
"Well, that's a marked change from 'get out of my house,'" Rian said sardonically.
Edward stared at Rian, feeling the tightness in his chest at those words. He had opened his mouth to snipe something back, say something sharp and ultimately mean but he closed his mouth again. He was an adult, no matter how much his brain tried to fight it. "I'm sorry," he said instead.
Rian looked away from him, at the bottle of whiskey on the table. "I know," he said. "You were upset, I was going through your stuff, and you were upset and I shouldn't have been snooping." He glanced back to Edward with razor-sharp eyes. "All the same, don't you dare ever pull that shit on me again."
Edward looked at him sadly. He'd been pining for two weeks now and here he was, scant feet away, inches away and he couldn't touch him. "Rian," Edward said quietly. "I'm sorry. I can't do this to you." He could see the surprise on Rian's face and he couldn't face him, so he looked back to the bottle of whiskey. "I can't bear to lose anyone else, Rian; I can't drag you down with me. It's better if we end this now, before you get hurt any worse."
He hesitated, the lump in his throat hard to get past. He focused instead on the alcohol sitting on the table. Edward could feel Rian's eyes on him. "Are you... breaking up with me?"
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and face in his hands. "I can't do this; it's not fair to you. You deserve better than my fucked up idiosyncrasies." You deserve better than me. It's time for you to move on, and leave me with my memories.
Rian's laugh was bitter. "I spent all this time coming to terms with you and with this, and you just, you just fucking dump me, like that?" He shook his head. "No."
Edward looked up, and over at Rian. "What?"
"No, you're not breaking up with me."
"Rian," Edward said tiredly. "Please don't make this harder than it already is-"
"Fuck you." The anger was back in his eyes. "You're going to listen to me right now. I am not walking away from this."
"Rian-"
"No, shut up." Rian was on his feet again, facing Edward. "You've had a shitty life, I get that, I know. That's not an excuse for running away from this, or running away from me."
Edward's head shot up, meeting Rian's eyes with an obstinacy of his own. "I'm not running away from anything."
"Like hell you're not!" Rian almost yelled. "What do you call this then?"
"I have been looking all over for you-"
"To break up with me?"
"Because I was worried about you!" Edward was on his feet now too, they were inches apart. "If anything had happened to you, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself-"
"I'm not fucking going anywhere," Rian snarled. "I'm not going to leave you, not over something that stupid!"
Promise me you'll come back. Promise you aren't going to leave me alone again.
I'm not going anywhere, Ed. I won't leave you.
"No," Edward said. "No, don't say that. You can't promise that, don't ever say that!" Rian backed off, away from Edward, the surprise at his tone of voice evident on his face.
And then, it all fell into place.
Rian's face softened instantly. "Oh," he said, softly. Edward stood there, hands balled into fists and breathing hard, eyes wild and Rian ... smiled at him. It was a soft, sad smile, and it made Edward pause. Then Rian stepped forward, crossed that gap between them and wrapped his arms around Edward's neck, pulling him down into a hug. "Oh, Ed."
Edward, still breathing hard, rested his head on Rian's shoulder and squeezed his eyes shut. He wrapped his arms around Rian's back and just breathed in and out. Rian smelled like he had washed his hair in a sink, grimy and yet still so Rian it was a relief just to smell him again.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Rian asked him, arms tight around Edward's neck.
"I don't know." Edward took a breath to steady himself and it hitched, so he laughed unsteadily into Rian's shoulder just to stop himself from crying. "But I will, if you'll listen."
~
I'm sorry for breaking my promise.
Please forgive me, for not being a part of your future.
~
They watched the sun rise through the smudged glass of the office from Edward's couch. Rian lay against him, Edward with his cheek resting on Rian's head. They had fallen into a companionable silence. Edward's throat was raw and his eyes were red-rimmed, but he wouldn't cry.
Rian looked up at him, and Edward smiled sadly, but leaned his head down and kissed Rian, gently. "I won't leave you," Rian said for the second time that night.
Edward's hand tightened on his back. "Rian..."
"No," Rian said. "I'll protect you."
Edward nuzzled his hair. "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"
"You're going to be Fuhrer, right?" Rian said.
"Well, yeah." Edward brushed his hands through Rian's shorter hair. "That's the plan."
"Then I'll protect you," Rian said firmly. "I'll be your shield against the people who will want you dead and who will want your power and position." He sat up, looking Edward square in the eye. "We're in this together, you know."
"There's no dissuading you, is there?" Edward said. "You're quite obstinate."
"And you're a stubborn jackass," Rian said. "We're two of a kind, colonel, better get used to it." He leaned in close and grinned against Edward's mouth. "I can't wait to see what the military is going to be like under your rule." His kiss was tender but firm. "And colonel?"
"Hmm?" Edward asked lazily, the exhaustion setting in.
"If you try to break up with me again, I'm going to feed you your own balls."
Edward hugged Rian tight and laughed into his hair. For now at least, things were going to be all right.