Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard sat on the infirmary bed and listened to the sounds of life moving all around him. Nearby, his team was getting checked over, but once again, despite a bad situation, they had come home relatively unharmed.

But he still couldn't get the taste of the anger out of his mouth.

Torrell had been a fucking bastard, but he had been smart. John didn't think he had guessed how close John and Rodney actually were, but he had seen enough to give him the upper hand. John had seen the fear in Rodney's eyes, had seen him fighting for control when the straps had been put on all of them.

John could still feel where the leather had chafed the skin around his neck. God damn it.

Rodney was HIS. Torrell had no fucking right to… Taking a deep breath, John tore his thoughts away from the bandit leader, from the desperate tactics of the prisoners, most of whom were just as desperate to escape from a situation they didn't deserve to be in. Like Eldon.

Unless he was gravely injured, John wouldn't allow himself to be looked at until the rest of his team had been cleared in these post-mission checks. He was just so tired today… they had only been going on missions again for a short time. This had been their third since being cleared for duty after the little slavery thing. It had been three months since they brought Rodney home, and he was doing a lot better, but still…

John had backed off, content with just spending time sitting together in one of their quarters, or watching a movie. Rodney was letting him get closer and closer. They had progressed to the point where they could kiss again, touch each other a little, but no sex. And no matter how much he wanted it, no being toppy.

John did a lot of yelling in Kate's office, taking out his frustrations there instead of on Rodney. It wasn't his lover's fault Kolya was a fucker who needed to be killed at the next available opportunity. The only thing John could do was be as supportive as possible, and let his lover set the pace. Even if it was driving John mad at times.

Carson Beckett was moving down the line. Ronon and Teyla had both been checked and cleared, making their way out to get cleaned up and hopefully get some sleep. The soft burr of the Scot's accent as he chatted with Rodney washed over John, and, shaking his head a little, he let himself focus on that instead of his whirling thoughts.

"…tired and dirty and really want a shower," Rodney was saying. The words were right, but the tone was off.

John forced himself to snap back into focus. God, he missed being able to just take care of McKay instead of having to tiptoe around it. "Rodney? After we're cleared and get cleaned up, want to come watch a mindless movie?"

Rodney's head snapped up and around, his eyes narrowing a little before he answered. "I just want to shower and sleep. I won't make it through a movie."

John shrugged. He had long ago stopped trying to keep up the mask that hid his emotions from Rodney, so he allowed the other man to see how tired he was too. "Me neither. But I'd prefer to fall asleep with you close by."

"And where do you think I've been the last few weeks? Outer Mongolia?" The reply was hissed, carrying just far enough to reach John.

John slumped slightly, too tired to fight. The adrenaline from the whole ordeal was fading, leaving him feeling like he had been run over by a hive ship. "Sorry. You looked as tired as I feel, and were talking about showering, and I didn't want to just assume you would come over after you got cleaned up."

Rodney shifted on the neighboring bed, Carson stepping back a bit so he wouldn't get hit by Rodney's waving hands. "Why wouldn't I? I didn't think anything had changed. Or did it and you decide not to tell me about it? Look, if it's going to be an inconvenience to you I won't bother." Rodney sighed, some of the fight leaving his body, his voice dropping down to a whisper. "We're only married. Thought that actually meant something."

John glanced around, making sure no one but Beckett was in the immediate area before grabbing one of Rodney's flailing hands and pressing a kiss to the palm. "It does mean something, more than I can ever express. You've looked a little wild since we got back though, and I'm trying hard not to push, when all I really want to do right now is take a shower with you and curl up with you in my arms and sleep for the next twelve hours."

"Eating should be on that agenda as well," Carson said quietly, glancing between the two of them.

John ran the hand not holding Rodney's through his hair, nodding. "Right now the thought of food is a sickening, but I know I'll be hungry in a little while. Once you're cleared, Rodney, want to see about grabbing us something in the mess while Carson checks me over, then meet me in my quarters?"

It was a long moment before Rodney finally nodded—long enough that John thought he might say no. "Fine. Can I go?"

John dragged his thumb across Rodney's palm a few times, feeling a bit of the tension in Rodney's frame bleed off. Pressing another kiss into his lover's palm, he released the hand as McKay jumped down when Beckett nodded his okay. "Hopefully this won't take long, and I'll be there soon."

"Yeah, yeah," Rodney said, waving him off as he wandered out, his hand scratching at the back of his neck, making lines in the dirt just above the clean skin where the collar had been.

John sighed, thinking about the collar sitting in the top drawer of his bureau. Rodney's collar. The one he didn't want to wear right now.

He didn't realize at first that Carson was just standing there watching him closely. Lifting his head, John tried for a tired smile. "Do I have something in my teeth?"

The Scot shook his head before moving to do his check on John, his movements precise and careful. He was moving in a way that telegraphed every move and touch before he actually made contact.

John watched him work, offering up his arm for blood work, feeling himself relax a little at the familiar routine. "Anything I need to know about? My team checked out okay, right? Nothing catastrophic happened while we were away?"

"From a medical standpoint," Carson said, pressing the needle home as he drew a vial of blood, "you're all fine. Dirty and tired, obviously."

John homed in on the 'medical standpoint' comment. "Carson? I'm way too tired to try and guess what's up tonight. Is it Rodney? I know he's had a few setbacks—for every two steps forward, we seem to take one back. But I thought he was getting better...."

"Something set him on edge and I don'na know all the details," Carson said, a small wad of gauze pressed into the crook of John's arm. "Hold that."

John did as he was told, nodding. "This mission was...hard in some ways. Torrell, the leader of the bandits holding us, had all four of us in collars and chains, and told Rodney he would kill us if the jumper wasn't fixed." Sighing, he pushed on the gauze, oddly comforted by the stab of pain it produced. "I have a feeling it will be harder for Rodney to recover from that than usual. He's still not over what Kolya did to him."

"No, he's not," Carson said, moving John's hand to put a Band-Aid over the gauze. "He's still too jumpy for my liking. But Kate keeps telling me that it takes time."

Snorting, John pressed on the Band-Aid a few times once Carson had it in place, keeping his eyes on that instead of the doctor. "She tells me the same thing. She keeps telling me I have to back off, let Rodney set the pace, let him find his own way to recovery. And I agree with that but... it's just hard, especially when I know he's going to be struggling after this."

"Aye," Carson nodded, finally stepping back, jotting a few notes down in John's chart. "The past few months have been…difficult at best."

"That's one way of putting it." Running a hand through his hair again, John made a face when bits of dirt and leaves drifted out. "God, I need a shower. And I wasn't kidding when I said I could sleep for the next day—hell, I could probably sleep for a week with the way I feel right now. I know it's just adrenaline, but..."

"Eat and rest are my orders for you," Carson said with a smile. "You're clear to go. Besides, I want you out of my infirmary. You're littering."

Lips twitching up, John stood, then quickly and roughly ran both hands though his hair while shaking his head, grinning a little at the mess on the floor it produced. He didn't even want to know what his hair actually looked like now. "Night, Carson."

The muttered "cheeky bastard" put a smile on John's face that stayed with him the entire walk to his quarters. Rodney, though, wasn't there when he arrived.

John debated for a minute. He really wanted a shower, but he also really wanted his partner. So he tapped his radio on. "Sheppard to McKay."

It took a minute before he got a tired response. "McKay, here."

He decided to go the clueless and somewhat diplomatic route. "Need any help with dinner? Carson just cleared me."

"Dinner? Oh, yeah. I'm in the lab going over some stuff with Zelenka."

John let his head fall down to his chest. "Want me to swing by the mess and grab us something then?"

"No no, that's wrong," Rodney said, exasperation in his voice. "What?"

"What?" John was confused, but he had already turned and started for the mess hall. "Rodney? I'm getting dinner, and I'll meet you in my quarters in fifteen minutes, okay?"

"What? What are you doing? Are you just terminally stupid?" Rodney sighed. "Sheppard, let me call you back before McStupid here does something rash like actually use his brain. McKay, out."

John rolled his eyes, but headed for the mess. He hoped he could just slip into the kitchen and get a few meals to go without anyone noticing him. He knew he was still a disaster, but if he stopped to shower, he'd never get moving again.

The mess wasn't too crowded, but he did spot Lorne's team in the corner eating dinner along with a few scientists who had straggled in after him. There wasn't much out—too late for hot food, apparently—but there were some sandwiches and salads. It was better than nothing.

He quietly grabbed a tray and started tossing things onto it. He was still in the dark field gear, and the lighting wasn't bright. He wondered idly if one could achieve invisibility in an Ancient city that read minds if you really, really wanted it.

After adding two bottles of water to the tray, he turned and headed out, breathing a sigh of relief when no one stopped him.

John debated his plan of attack, deciding it was best to swing by his room first. If Rodney was there, great. If not, he could drop off the tray and then go hunt down his wayward lover. Problems aside, the man was too tired to be getting much of anything done.

It only took a few minutes before he was stepping inside his room—his empty room—and he sighed again. There were some days when he just wanted to scream and rant because of his frustration. Add his current state of exhaustion on top of it and he had two choices: break down and give up or go and insist on some alone time with his partner.

Tough choice.

Setting the tray down, John forced himself to take a few deep breaths and walk back out the door again. He knew the most direct route to the labs from his quarters, so it only took him a few minutes to make his way down. By some of the shocked looks thrown his way by the few Marines and scientists he passed, he guessed his appearance was a bit more disheveled than he thought.

When he got to the lab, he found Zelenka hunched over a laptop at the far end of the room, his hair a little messier than normal—and that was saying a lot.

"Radek? I'm hunting the wild McKay. Last sighting put him in this vicinity."

The Czech glanced up, confusion on his face. "He was here, yes. Screaming. Ranting. Made huffing noise and walked out." He shrugged. "Much better now."

It was an act of sheer will for John not to just sit down on the floor and cry. Instead, he kept what he hoped was a mildly pleasant look on his face and tapped his radio again. "Sheppard to McKay."

Zelenka gave Sheppard a strange look. "He did not contact you?"

John shook his head, closing his eyes briefly when Rodney didn't answer. So he tried again. "McKay, this is Sheppard. I'm in the labs looking for you."

"He was muttering when he left. I did not listen. Figured he was ranting to you."

When he still didn't get an answer, John gave up. His energy level was dropping, and he needed his bed and a shower soon. "If you see him, tell him I was looking for him and went to crash when I couldn't find him. Unless someone is invading us, I don't plan to surface again until some time tomorrow."

"If I see him I will tell him, however, remind him I am not messaging service."

John waved his goodbye, ignoring the new stares he was getting. He wasn't surprised when he returned to his still-empty room, tray untouched. With a sigh, John gave the radio one last try, on the team channel. "McKay, I went looking for you but I'm about out of energy, buddy. I have food here, and I'm hopping in the shower. Stop by when you finish whatever you're working on."

When he didn't get a reply, John sighed, tugging off his clothes and radio—the clothes left in a pile on the floor—before stepping into the shower, sighing at the feel of the hot water pounding into him.

Sometime later, John finally emerged from the shower only to hear the sound of clicking coming from the other room.

Pulling on an old pair of sweatpants, John wandered out, still rubbing the towel through his hair, calling out as he walked into the other room. "Rodney? That you?"

"Hmm. Yes. Working," Rodney replied absently, still dressed in his dirty clothes from the mission, his fingers typing away at the keyboard. He'd eaten half a sandwich and the almost brownie was gone.

John dropped his towel in the hamper and moved to his lover. "Hey, you'd be more comfortable if you were clean. Why don't you hop in?" He let his hand rest against the clean spot on the back of Rodney's neck, rubbing a little at the tight muscles with his thumb.

"Hmm, what?" Rodney asked, glancing up at John for a second before his attention was pulled back to the computer. "I'm trying to finish something."

John fought the urge to sigh. He wanted to close the laptop, bring Rodney into the shower to clean him, then take him to bed and just hold him. But Kate was adamant that he could do none of those things, not right now. So instead he continued to rub, expanding his ministrations to the rest of Rodney's neck and shoulders, heedless of the dirt he was getting all over himself again.

It only took about three minutes before Rodney's hands stilled on the keyboard and he groaned, leaning back against John. "Oh god, don't stop."

Smiling, John dug in a little harder, working at the tight muscles, feeling them give under his hands. "I won't stop until you're a little Rodney-shaped puddle of goo on the floor. I'm surprised you don't have a headache with all these knots."

"Who says I don't?"

"Mmm, you should have said something. I would have done this sooner for you. I don't think I can get all the kinks out in one sitting, but if you want, I can work on them over the next few days, get you loose and pain free again." John leaned into it, loving the sensation of having Rodney under his hands again, if only for a massage.

Rodney shrugged, his hands finally falling into his lap. "I'm not going to turn down a massage. But I also know I probably stink to high heaven. I can smell myself. How are you touching me right now?"

Leaning down further, John managed to plant a kiss on the corner of Rodney's mouth. "Guess that's why they call it true love. Not even smelly dirt will turn me away."

"Mmm. I need to shower."

When Rodney turned his head, John caught his mouth in a deeper kiss before pulling back. "Okay. Clean up, and I'll pick this back up when you're done. You can stretch out on the bed. And that way if you get relaxed enough to fall asleep, there won't be anything to stop you."

"Sleep would be good," Rodney said with a nod. He groaned as he slowly rose to his feet. "I'm too old for this," he said, stumbling into the bathroom. The chair where he'd been sitting held a light covering of dirt.

John looked down at himself wryly, and then retrieved his damp towel to clean away the dirt he had picked up from Rodney, giving the chair a quick rubdown as well. He looked at the sandwich, but made another face. Beckett would never know he hadn't eaten, and Rodney could have it as a snack if he needed something later. Sitting on the bed with his back against the wall, John let his head fall back and closed his eyes to wait for Rodney.

He was shaken awake some time later by a naked Rodney trying to get under the covers and into bed. "You're in the way."

"W's waiting. Gonna give you a m'ssge." John slurred his words as he was manhandled under the covers.

"All talk," Rodney commented, spooning in front of John.

John nuzzled at the back of Rodney's neck and slung an arm across his lover's chest, their legs tangling together. "Rain check for the morning?"

"Whatever. Have to be up early." Rodney shifted forward a little.

John kissed the patch of neck he had been breathing in and loosened his grip a little. "Wake me up before you go. I want to work those knots out for you. They have to be hurting."

He shrugged. "Used to it. Go to sleep, John."

"Shouldn't be. Wanna take care of you. Love you." John's eyes were getting heavy as his body finally relaxed completely, content to be where he belonged—in bed with his partner.

"I'm fine, John. Go to sleep."

"Mmmmm." John had been fighting fatigue for hours now. With a last murmured "love you" he let himself drift off.

***

Rodney was out of bed and in the labs before 0600 rolled around. With a mug of coffee at his elbow and several muffins, he was set.

He'd managed to leave John's quarters without waking the other man, something that was getting easier to do with time and practice. He'd spent a good portion of the night awake, sleeping fitfully between dreams. John's grip on him had relaxed in the middle of the night, letting him shift away from the other man so he wasn't quite so confined.

The press of bodies was still too much some nights.

Zelenka's curse when he walked in around 0800 was loud, concise, and in Czech—and one Rodney recognized. He scowled at the other man before turning back to his computer screen, double-checking a few numbers before moving to the next section of the equation he was working through.

They were still the only two in the lab, and he could feel the other man's gaze. "Why are you here? Your whole team is on stand-down today, is it not?"

"I don't know. I have work to do and no one mentioned anything to me," he said, shaking his head. That equation wasn't quite right.

Radek muttered a few things, probably insults. "Did you at least go home? Hot pilot boyfriend was in here searching for you last night when all could tell he should have been in bed hours before."

"Why was he down here?"

"Looking for you and practically falling asleep on his feet. He mentioned he had procured dinner for you both."

Rodney scowled at the screen, adjusting the equation again. Huh. That might work. "Yes yes. I ate."

Radek cursed at him again, but took his usual spot at the opposite end of the table they both used for a desk in the lab itself. "You are most oblivious person I know. You have very handsome man who would do anything for you, and you take him for granted. This I will never understand. But why listen to me? I am only stupid man who sees the way he looks at you."

"Okay, what changed that this became an appropriate work-related topic and why are we discussing this in the middle of the science lab?" Rodney asked, turning to face the other man.

Radek waved his hand around. "Is no one else here. And despite blustering, you are my friend. This gives me right to point out when I think you are being stupid."

Rodney huffed, waving his hand in the air. "Let's not talk about stupid because that will just open up a whole new can of worms."

Radek rolled his eyes, but focused on his laptop. "Just because you disagree with my ideas for improving the jumper systems does not make them stupid. I am right and you are wrong, and when you come to realize this, I will gloat loudly."

"And that will never happen," Rodney said, turning back to his own computer.

"I know jumpers better than you. My simulations have all been successful. The only objection you have is that you did not think of it first."

"Keep talking. Maybe someone will believe your delusions."

"It will improve the way they use and store power. This means there will be more power overall for things like shields, since you insist on flying into situations where you are getting shot at. Let me test it on the jumper we are retrieving from planet you just returned from. It is broken anyway, so my changes will not require taking any of the jumpers out of commission."

"Fine fine fine. Just don't complain and whine when it doesn't work," Rodney said, shaking his head.

"It will work. Instead of having to rely on your Colonel's most excellent flying abilities alone, or on cloak, you will have shield, too. I do not wish to have your job, so it is in my best interests to ensure you return from missions alive."

"Yes, we all know you're bucking for a raise, but don't think you're getting it from me," Rodney grumbled, picking up one of his half-eaten muffins and taking another bite, crumbs littering the front of his BDUs. He had to get through these series of equations before he could move onto the more mundane parts of department management.

"What would I do with more money? I do not spend what I have. No, I do not want raise, but I will accept portion of the good coffee you hoard when my idea works." The clacking of keys let him know the other scientist had started working.

Rodney huffed, rolling his eyes as he finished off the muffin, licking his fingers before he absently brushed the crumbs away. He got lost in the pleasure of exercising his brain, letting the math and the science leech everything else away. Here, at least, he didn't have to think about the feel of leather around his neck, the bonds on his arms, holding him tightly, or the feeling of helplessness as he stared at his friends and teammates.

Rodney let out a long breath, trying to release the tense muscles as his mind spun in an increasingly small circle.

So much for work.

It was mid-morning when John wandered in, his limbs loose and his hair defying gravity as usual. How he managed to make BDUs sexy, no one on base had ever been able to figure out. "Hey. Sorry I missed you this morning. Still want that massage?"

Rodney glanced around, scowling at John even though there was no one else in the room. Huh. When had that happened? "Sure," he said absently. "Maybe later."

John moved behind him, and like he had last night, he started to rub at the back of Rodney's neck, working on one of the more tense muscles. "Don't mind me. Just keep working, and I'll stick to body parts you don't need at the moment."

"John," Rodney whined, knowing he should move away, but John's hands just felt too damn good, making him ache inside. He wanted this, but as soon as he thought about it, about what had happened to him, everything just clenched up inside. "Please. Anyone could walk in."

"So? You're my teammate, and anyone can see you're so tense you're hurting. I'm helping you work out some of the knots. Pilots are good with their hands, everyone knows that." The kneading turning into a caress for a brief moment, before getting back to business. "If anything people will thank me for helping you loosen up and relax a bit."

"John, please. Not here." The last thing they needed was someone finding out about them and reporting them. "I promise I'll make time tonight."

He heard his lover sigh softly, but he stopped. "I really wasn't trying to start anything, but if you're not comfortable I'll stop. I just popped in to say hi, and saw the pain lines in your forehead. Figured you probably hadn't loosened up any since last night."

"Thank you," Rodney said quietly, turning so he could face John. "I just…we have enough to worry about right now. We don't need to add anything else. Okay?"

"I know. And while I don't think working out a few of your more tense muscles in public is going to raise any eyebrows, I can wait until later. Just let me work on your back, okay? I want to help." He brushed his thumb briefly along Rodney's jaw before dropping his hand and leaning against the lab bench.

Rodney grabbed for John's hand, threading his fingers through John's. "I know and you are helping. Really. I know this has to be more than torturous for you and I'm sorry. I want it to go faster, to get better, but I…I can't right now."

John's lips quirked into a soft smile, and he squeezed Rodney's hand briefly. His hazel eyes had a great deal of affection and understanding in them. "I won't say I don't miss having all of you, but it's okay. Take as long as you need, and we'll go at whatever pace is comfortable for you. I'd rather have you whole again than rush things and damage you beyond repair."

"I know, I know. But you being so understanding about this whole damn situation just makes me feel bad, too." Rodney sighed, giving John's hand a squeeze. "I'm trying. I really am."

John's eyes darted around the room, before he leaned in and brushed their lips together briefly. "I know, and you're really doing all right. I promise. If it makes you feel better though, I mutter obscenities at Heightmeyer under my breath through most of my sessions with her. I take out my frustrations on her so I can be what you need me to be when we're together."

"I figured," Rodney said, offering a rueful smile. "This just sucks—and not in a good way."

John's thumb was moving again, drawing warm circles in the palm of Rodney's hand. "There will be good sucking in our future again. Think of it this way. We never really got the chance to do the dating thing. Now we can. And when you are ready to take that plunge again, it will be like the first time all over again. That's worth waiting for."

"So we really did this whole thing ass-backwards."

"Yup. We never can do anything the conventional way." John grinned at him. "We're just a couple of backward, go our own way kinda guys."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I should get back to work."

John chuckled. "Have you had lunch yet? Teyla and Ronon should be down there now. We could do a team thing. We haven't had one of those in a while."

"Lunch?" Rodney glanced at the laptop clock, squinting to see the time in the bottom corner. "When did that happen?"

"It comes between breakfast and dinner." John's smile was both fond and teasing. "Come on. Beckett will hunt me down and kill me where I stand if I don't actually eat a meal. I promise we won't keep you away from the lab too long."

"Nononono, wait a minute," Rodney said, tugging his hand out of John's as he quickly pulled up his calendar. "I have a meeting today."

"Oh." John's face fell a little. "What time? Do you have time to come eat before you have to be there?"

"Damn it," Rodney said, seeing the multiple windows flashing on his screen—all of them he'd ignored. No wonder no one was in here. "I'm late and it's my meeting." He grabbed the pads and files and tablet PC on his desk, pulling it into one big pile in his arms.

"Oh." John leaned in and caught Rodney's mouth in a fast, hard, dirty kiss. "Tonight then? I owe you a massage that will leave your muscles as limp as spaghetti."

"Yes, fine," Rodney said, already several steps out the door, his mind down the hall somewhere. "Tonight. Massage. Dinner. Sleeping. Yes."

John's deep chuckle followed him out the door. "Bye, Rodney."

The afternoon meeting went badly and the rest of his day didn't get much better. He worked with idiots who refused to pay attention to what he told them, let alone actually try to rub the two brain cells they had together to think before they spoke—or worked. Simpson and Miko weren't horrible, but that was because they actually listened. Sometimes.

By the time he stumbled into the mess for dinner—late again—there was nothing hot so he crammed a sandwich into his mouth and grabbed a Jell-o. He'd eat it in John's room while he finished up paperwork.

When he got to John's room, his lover wasn't there yet, so he settled down to eat and work. He was just finishing the set of reports he had been working on when Sheppard wandered in. His muscles were tense, and Rodney didn't think the other man had seen him.

"Problems on the job?"

"Fuck!" John nearly came up off the floor, his body twisting into a defensive position as he automatically went for a weapon. When he registered who it was, he relaxed and then sank down so he was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall. "Hey. Sorry. Wasn't expecting you to be here yet."

"I can see that," Rodney said, eyeing his partner carefully. "I can leave if you want."

John had leaned his head back, eyes closing. But he shook his head. "No, stay. Sorry. I just spent the better part of the evening dealing with a couple of soldiers I would happily send back to Earth. They haven't actually done anything wrong, they just irritate the hell out of me."

"Worse than Anderson and Michaels?"

John sighed, slumping further against the wall. "On par with Anderson probably."

Rodney's eyebrow rose as he leaned back in his chair. "Oh, really? Anderson's cleaned up his act, hasn't he?"

"Yeah. He isn't causing any problems now. These are a couple of new guys we got a few weeks ago."

"Not causing any problems right now, don't you mean?" Rodney shook his head. "Where do they find these guys?"

If he hadn't been watching, he would have missed John's faint shudder. But then the other man was pushing himself up off the floor. "I have no idea. But I'd much rather spend the rest of the evening working on your back than talking about a couple of problem cases I have."

"Wait a minute. Are you sure that's a good idea? I bruise very easily and I'm already sore. I don't need you taking your aggravation out on me."

John raised an eyebrow even as he toed off his shoes and divested himself of his various weapons. "Have I ever hurt you or marked you unintentionally?"

"No, but—"

"So take off your shirt so I can really work on your muscles." He dug out the bottle of massage oil they kept in their toy drawer.

Rodney watched John move around the room—setting the oil on the bedside table, walking to the bathroom to grab towels—the tension still in his frame, but easing. "Are you sure you're up for it?"

He set down the towels and moved close to Rodney, kneeling in front of him before settling his hands on Rodney's hips, but not pulling him close, giving him the option of pulling away. "Honestly, giving you a massage is probably the best thing for me right now, too. I can lose myself in it for a little while."

Rodney was quiet for a moment before nodding. "Give me a few minutes?"

"Okay." John was staring at his lips and started to sway in before catching himself. "Whenever you're ready."

Offering a smile, he turned back to the computer once John moved to the bed, sitting on the edge, watching him. It took him a few minutes to finish the email he was writing and then he logged off. He could feel John's eyes follow him into the bathroom where he went through his nightly routine, stripping down to his skin. Ever since he and John were together, it felt weird for him to sleep in his boxers. It was an odd quirk that had moved over into his personal life even when he was by himself.

He paused in the doorway of the bathroom, looking at John. "Where do you want me?"

John's eyes were skimming his body, and Rodney caught the spark of desire. His lover had changed into the sweatpants he wore since they'd started sleeping together again. Rodney knew it was for his benefit, and that John wouldn't sleep in his preferred nude state again until Rodney told him it was okay. "On the bed, face down. I'm going to straddle your hips so I can work on your shoulders and back."

Rodney nodded, feeling the tension radiating from his own body as he approached John. He hated this. Hated doubting himself, doubting John. He reached down, catching John's face in his hands before pressing a kiss to his lover's lips, trying to offer his thanks and an apology in the gesture.

John made a soft noise, parting his lips slightly in invitation. Rodney could feel the twitch of his lover's hands as John started to reach for him and then stopped himself.

Breaking it off, he pulled back but only far enough so he could speak, lips grazing against John's. "I'm…I can't do much, but I want to try a little."

John made another soft, needy noise, and his whole body trembled with suppressed need. "Anything you want. And if it's too much, you say stop and I will, no questions asked."

"Okay," he whispered, hearing Kate's words in the back of his head to try, to go slow, reminding him that John loved him, cared about him, didn't want to hurt him in any way.

The tips of John's fingers grazed Rodney's hip, caressing. "What do you want to try? Can I touch you?"

"Touching is good. Kissing is good," Rodney said, his breath mingling with John's.

"Kissing is very good." He could feel John's lips curving into a smile as their lips met again, parting, the tip of his tongue tracing the seam of Rodney's mouth. He stepped slightly closer, the hand that had caressed him slowly coming to rest fully against Rodney's hip.

Rodney felt his heart pounding in his chest, but he needed to move past this. It wasn't fair to John—or him. He reached out, hands skimming across his partner's shoulders and down his arms.

John's breath hitched as they continued to kiss, sucking slightly on Rodney's lower lip. The hand on his hip moved, making small circles.

He moved slowly, his touches careful, precise, comforting, letting Rodney relax into him—at least a little.

They stayed that way for a while, barely touching, tasting each other. It was John who finally broke it off. "Rodney...." He leaned back far enough to let Rodney see how much effort it was taking to stop. "I don't want to push too far, so let's end this here, on a high note, okay? Leave you feeling good about it. And we still have time for that massage."

It took a moment for Rodney's brain to come back online, for him to nod that John had a good idea. Right now he was very okay with things. Positive reinforcement good. Kate had been right. Huh.

"Okay," he said, licking his lips, still tasting John on his tongue.

John's breath hitched again, and he mirrored Rodney's action, licking his own lips. "I love you so much, and I want you so much right now..." He caressed Rodney's jaw, then stepped back, a very obvious bulge in his sweatpants. "Get comfortable, and let's work on turning you into that puddle, okay?"

"Are you okay?" Rodney asked instead, his eyes traveling up John's body, meeting his gaze.

John nodded. "I might need to go take care of this in the bathroom later, but I'll be all right for now. I'm more interested in you. How are you doing?"

"I'm…" Rodney took a moment to think, letting out a breath. "I'm good. We're good. Do you want me to…help with that?"

A small moan managed to get out of John before he could stop it. "You have no idea how much I'd love that, but... I don't want you to push so far you end up feeling caged again. I'd rather be left wanting with you happy and comfortable than to get off and have you miserable about it afterwards."

"I…a quick hand-job should be okay and I know it will make you feel better," Rodney said, surprised that he offered.

John licked his lips again, and Rodney could see how torn he was. His lover was very turned on, but was trying to fight his own body for Rodney's benefit. "O...okay. But, if you start to feel anything negative, stop, all right? I won't mind."

"Can you…ah…strip? I know you'd rather not come in your pants even though you've certainly done it often enough."

John chuckled, skimming out of his sweats. "Hey, I can't help it if my lover has a hot kink for making me come in my pants. I might not like the chafing, but damn it's sexy that he can do it to me." He met Rodney's eyes, smiling softly. "Where do you want me?"

"I…" Rodney said, pausing. He hadn't thought much about that part. Or the hand-job either, if he really considered it. He just wanted to give this to John, do this for John. "Somewhere?"

John looked at him carefully, and then moved to lean back against the wall. "You don't have to do this. I can take care of it later. I wasn't kidding when I said I didn't want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. I want you to touch me so badly it hurts, but I can wait until you're really ready for it."

"The wall is fine," Rodney said, trying to push down his nerves. He'd certainly done this enough. He knew what to do. Rodney approached slowly, eyes on John, his hand carefully surrounding his cock.

It felt perfect.

John's indrawn breath was loud, his head thumping back against the wall. "Rodney...." It was a whisper, a verbal caress.

"I'm here." He tightened his grip, stroking lightly.

John whimpered, hips moving slightly, his words going breathless. "Can I touch you? Put my hand on your hip again?"

Rodney stepped closer, nodding as he bit his lip, concentrating on John's cock and how it slid through his hand.

A hot palm was pressed against him again, and John moaned, automatically spreading his legs a little to give Rodney better access.

Humming a little, Rodney kept his attention focused, loving the sounds John was making as he ramped him up. He pressed a little closer to John's side, his own cock was still soft, but this…this was good.

John gasped that he was getting close, his fingers curling a little against Rodney's hip. His other hand came up to curl around the back of Rodney's neck.

"Come on, John," Rodney whispered, tongue held between his teeth.

With a strangled cry, John's whole body convulsed and he was coming, twitching his way through an orgasm as Rodney milked him through it. "Oh god so good love you, Rodney."

"Better?" Rodney asked once John's breathing evened off, his eyes still focused on his hand and the come coating it.

"Mmmm, yes. Thank you." John had the dopey grin he always got after he came. "How are you doing? Still okay?"

"I think so, yes," Rodney said after a moment, finally glancing up at his lover's sated expression.

"Good. Your turn. Only for now, instead of an orgasm, I'll give you a massage." He leaned in to press a quick kiss to Rodney's lips. "I'll go get a towel to clean us up."

John moved off leaving Rodney leaning against the wall, eyes drifting back to his hand. Giving each other pleasure had been so…so ingrained. To not have an orgasm, to not be aroused by his lover… He trembled slightly. He just wanted to be normal again.

"Hey." John was back. He carefully took Rodney's hand, cleaning it. He lifted Rodney's hand to his lips and licked the last drop away. "It's okay. You're one of the bravest people I've ever met for doing that. You'll get the rest of the way. A few months ago, even this would have been too much for you. Look how far you've come already."

Rodney folded himself into John's arms, holding on, breathing in his lover's scent—musk and sex and John.

John held him close, still whispering softly. "I love you so much, and we'll get through this, I promise. Together. I'll be right here, I won't go anywhere. You're not alone, you don't have to do it alone."

They stayed like that until Rodney was able to wrap his brain around the words, his feelings, his emotions. He hated this. And he especially hated his voice when he finally spoke, whispered and weak and shaking slightly. "I thought there was a massage in my future."

John's chuckle was a little shaky, too. "There is. Don't think I'd let you sidetrack me from it. We're going to get those knots out so you won't be in pain anymore."

"Good. Wasn't my intention. No sidetracking. No wiggling out of it like you did last night by falling asleep."

John kissed Rodney's temple before leading him to the bed. "No falling asleep this time. Lie down on your stomach and get comfortable."

Rodney got into position easily, pillowing his head on his arms as John moved around the room. He closed his eyes, simply listening to his lover and waiting.

A light touch to the middle of his back let him know John was near. "I'm going to straddle you for leverage, but if it's not good, tell me and I'll do it from beside you instead."

"I'm good."

After a moment John's weight was across his legs, and then warm, slick hands were gliding over his back. "Just relax. Let go of the tension and don't think about anything except how good this feels." Soothing music started playing, making them both jump a little. "Huh, if I had known Atlantis did mood music, I'd totally have used it before now."

"Did you do that or did that weasel of a Czech bug your quarters?"

Rodney felt the vibrations from John's chuckle. "I was thinking it was too bad I didn't have any soft, soothing music to play to help you relax. Atlantis apparently took that as a request."

Taking a deep breath to try and force some of the tension from his body, Rodney shifted again, trying not to think about the press of skin. "Since when does Atlantis have a soundtrack?"

Some of the pressure from where John was sitting on him eased up—his lover must have sat up on his knees a bit. A little more oil was dribbled onto his back, and then Sheppard's strong hands were really working his muscles, finding and releasing knots. "Apparently, since now. Maybe later I'll see what else she has, but for now this is perfect."

"Almost perfect," Rodney corrected, letting out a groan as John hit several sore spots.

"Only almost?" John's voice was hushed as he found another large knot, and worked it until it popped, a wave of pain, followed by pleasure at no more pain, ran through Rodney's body.

"Oh god, yes," Rodney moaned, sagging into the mattress. "In a perfect world this would end with you fucking me into unconsciousness."

John's hands paused for a moment before resuming their quest to—as his lover put it—turn Rodney into a relaxed puddle. "Well, I can't argue with that. I don't think it's a good idea right now, but it gives us something to work towards, right?"

"I just hate not having that…connection."

"I know. I wasn't sure for a while if you would ever want that again at all." He felt John shift, a soft kiss pressed to the center of Rodney's back before the massage started again. "But even if you aren't able to enjoy bottoming again, we'll find other ways to connect. We're in it for the long haul, for better or for worse."

"It's not fair to you."

"I'm okay. I just want you. Anything you're able to give me is more than fine."

Rodney sighed. "No, it's not. It's not fair to you that the best I've been able to do for you is give you one pathetic hand-job."

"That's not all. We sleep together at night. Eat together. You still make me smile; make my heart do odd things when you walk into a room. You watch cheesy movies with me, and let me do math without feeling self-conscious about it." John found another knot and dug in, working it. "Yes, the sex is amazing between us, but that's only a byproduct of this relationship, not the reason we're together."

Rodney moaned, letting John work out the tension in his muscles. "I just want to be normal again," is what he finally said, the words whispered, pained. That was what it all came down to.

"I know," John whispered it, pushing just right to make another knot pop free. "As much as I hate to say it, Kate's right when she says at this point, it just takes time. Doing things like this, reminding you how good touch can be, and stopping before it gets to be too much, is probably the best thing we can be doing."

"Doesn't stop me from wanting more."

"Mmmmm, wanting more is good. That means next time it won't be as hard to touch again, to kiss with intent. And the time after that, you won't think about it at all, it won't feel odd, or make you nervous. And then we'll move on to something else."

Rodney didn't comment, didn't argue. He didn't want to fight, to contradict John, to tell him about how his stomach clenched at his partner's words. He forced his body to relax into the mattress wanting to get rid of the tension he was carrying, the worry.

John fell silent, letting his hands glide and push, expanding his ministrations to include all of Rodney's back and shoulders. He kept it up for a while, the soft music and the faint grunts John made when he had to push a little harder on some spots to get them to relax the only noises in the room.

Rodney let himself drift, feeling his body relaxing piece by piece as John's hands slid along his back.

Gradually, the massage turned into caresses, John just rubbing his hands in circles on Rodney's back. "My fingers are getting tired. I'll have to finish you up later."

"Mmm. Okay. Come to bed?"

John's voice was slightly breathless. "Yeah. Just let me... Touching you..." He kissed Rodney's shoulder softly. "I'll be right back. Go to sleep."

"Hurry," Rodney whispered as John climbed off the bed before helping to get Rodney situated under the covers.

John's faint chuckle was a bit wry. "I don't think that will be a problem. Be right back." He slipped into the bathroom, Rodney catching his profile as he did. John had gotten hard again, just from giving him a massage.

Rodney listened to the sounds of John in the bathroom; the slide of skin against skin, the soft exclamation and the quick shuffle of tissues. The running water covered up everything else, but when John slid into bed his cock was soft, his body air-cooled.

Rodney shifted, tugging John's arms around him as he ducked into John's embrace. This. This he could do.

"Mmmm." John's murmur was sleepy as he returned the embrace. "Love you. G'night."

"Love you," Rodney whispered, pressing in close, lips touching skin.

At some point the soft music had shut off, leaving only the sound of their breathing. John nuzzled Rodney once, pushing his nose into skin, before his breath evened out, his body relaxing.

With a kiss and a chuckle, Rodney let his body relax into slumber. Tonight had been good. Kate would be proud of him.

***

John was feeling pretty good—he was on his way back to his office after his session with Kate. They were down to twice a week, and even John could tell he was worlds better than he had been when they first retrieved him. While he no longer craved all touch like a cat in heat, he hadn't gone back to avoiding being touched at all. Kate had joked that he was one of the few patients she had had that actually ended up better off and more open after a trauma.

And Rodney was getting better, too.

With his mind on their recovery and moving toward the reports he still needed to get done today, he didn't notice that he wasn't alone in his office as the door slid shut behind him.

"I was getting tired of waiting."

Whirling, John was reaching for a weapon, but a second person was faster, grabbing his hands and pinning them behind him, while Smythe moved out of the shadows. Eyes narrowing, John tried to calm his heartbeat. Smythe and his cronies had made a few inappropriate comments, but this was the first time they had tried anything more. "I think you had better let me go and leave, Captain. You don't want to do this."

"I don't know, Sheppard. You seem pretty willing and able."

Trying to tug free, John cursed the fact that they were both Marines, and had more formal hand-to-hand training than he did. If he fought hard enough to get loose, he would probably end up just as injured as they would be. "You're already skirting the edges of an assault charge. Leave now and it won't be anything more than that."

"I'm sure you'll keep quiet about it," Smythe said, moving closer, stepping into John's personal space. "You were quiet last night."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Deciding a broken bone or two was better than whatever these two had in mind, John kicked out, pulling hard against the man pinning him.

Smythe shifted, the kick only a glancing blow, the other man holding him securely. "Now now, Sheppard. We know McKay's not putting out, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be getting any. We can help with that, you know."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Release me now." Adrenaline was kicking in, and John fought harder, pulling against the other man, trying to twist free.

"Oh, I don't think so," Smythe said, his hand pressing against John's groin.

Bucking, John tried to twist free, a short cry escaping when the man behind him twisted his arm hard, sending a wave of pain through his body. "Fuck... you. Do you really think there won't be consequences from this? Get the fuck out of my office."

"No. I don't think so. You wouldn't risk it."

John cursed his fucking body, the conditioning he hadn't managed to completely lose yet, and the man holding him when Smythe started to caress and his traitorous dick twitched. Now was so not the time, and he was so not amused.

He felt rope being secured around his wrists, freeing the other man's hands to join the party they had apparently decided to have. "Risk seeing you in fucking handcuffs as I pitch you through the gate? Oh, I think it will be worth it."

"I didn't think you'd risk McKay."

"What the hell are you talking about?" He growled when they managed to get his pants open, despite his struggles. "Get your fucking hands off me!"

"We know all about you and your boyfriend, how he loves it when you pound into him. But now, he can't even stand your touch and you have to get yourself off every night just thinking about how it feels to be buried balls-deep in that ass of his." Smythe grinned, smirking at him. "Maybe we'll go and pay him a visit next."

John saw red, kicking out and struggling harder, but Smythe and his accomplice—John still hadn't seen his face so he didn't know who it was—had the upper hand. And it felt like they had this well planned, since more rope was produced from somewhere, and his hands were forced above his head, tied to a hook they had to have installed before he arrived.

He continued to fight and curse them as his legs were similarly secured to hooks on the floor. "How long have you been fucking planning this, you sick fuck? You do know that assaulting an officer, much less your fucking commanding officer, is good enough to send you to Leavenworth, right?"

"You're not going to do anything like that," Smythe said, stepping back once John was secured, moving forward to tug his pants and boxers down a little more, making sure John's cock was free of the material. "You see, this is just a little…taste of what we can do if we want. It's very simple. If something happens to us, your precious Rodney will suffer."

John growled. "You won't fucking touch him. If you've gotten this much, then you know I'll let myself get fucking discharged for disobeying the uniform code before I'll let you touch him."

"You're not going to have much say in what we do, are you?" Smythe asked, smirking as he tugged John's radio from his ear, dropping it onto his desk. His eyes slid to the man behind John. "You have the other stuff?"

He heard a low chuckle, and something was handed over John's shoulder. As soon as he saw what it was, his eyes widened. He bucked hard against the ropes, locking his jaw closed.

"Thought you might recognize this." Smythe smiled haughtily, the small pria fruit in his hands. "This is just to remind you that we have a lot of…supplies at our disposal and that we can do whatever we want—because you're going to let us. Isn't that right, Sheppard?"

John growled and shook his head, not willing to open his mouth to speak. He was scared shitless they would try to give it to him. He still remembered the way it made him feel, and the desperate cravings that came along with withdrawal. How the fuck did they get their hands on fucking pria?

"I'm sorry. Was that a refusal to agree to our terms? McKay's in his lab, isn't he? We may need to make that our next stop."

John glared. "What the fuck did I ever do to you, Smythe? Whatever it is, leave McKay out of it."

"You're alive and in charge. That's all. And why McKay? Because you care about him, protect him. He's your weakness."

"Touch him and I'll kill you."

"Go ahead and try and then see if McKay lives through the hours following. We have some very creative people on our side."

John shook his head. "You won't get away with this. Whatever you think you want from me, it isn't worth it."

Smythe chuckled. "Of course it's worth it. We wouldn't do it unless it was."

John growled again, bucking when the bastard put his hands back on John's body. "For what? You're risking discharge, prison, to get your rocks off? Go jerk off with your buddies if that's what you're looking for."

Smythe's hand wrapped around John's cock. "If it was all about sex, we would have gotten right down to it. It's about much more than that."

John tried to jerk away, but the ropes held, and the soldier still behind him moved closer, fingers teasing along his crack. He bucked again, wanting to scream in frustration when both men just chuckled at him. "Whatever you think I can give you, you're wrong. If you're planning to rape me, just do it and get the fuck out of here."

"No, not now at any rate. McKay sounds a whole lot better than you do. We might have to do something about that." Smythe's hand tightened, stroking him as he smiled at John. "Right now, we just require your silence and your agreement to do what we ask of you in the near future."

"Fuck off." He could taste the fear at the back of his throat, tried to ignore the hands touching him, caressing him.

"The more you fight us the worse it'll be for McKay. I wonder if they'd have to send him home when we're done with him."

John's breath caught in his throat, but he did his best to hide it. "I swear to god they'll never find the bodies if you so much as look at him wrong."

Smythe leaned his head back and laughed, tightening his hand to an almost painful amount. John's yelp of pain was all he needed to slide the pria in, his hand covering John's mouth. The other man held John tightly, making sure he wasn't able to get away.

No. Nononono... John fought, trying not to swallow, knowing if he did, the odds of needing more, of doing whatever they wanted to get more, were very, very high. He felt himself swallow reflexively, the sweet fruit sliding down. Like before, when he had been Jita, it started to affect him quickly. He felt his muscles going loose, and instead of fighting the hands on him, he started to arch into them.

"Look at him. Such the slut. I wonder if he'd beg for it now?" Smythe asked finally stepping back, the other man doing so as well. "This is just the beginning, Sheppard. Cooperate and we'll leave McKay alone. If not…well… We're excepting you won't so we have a few things already in the works." His smile was wide, arrogant, haughty. "You say a word about us and McKay will find himself in a shitload of trouble."

John shook his head, trying to clear it, this was wrong, but that made the air move around him, caress him, and he moaned, swaying as much as the ropes would let him. He tried to arch towards the man standing in front of him, needing to be touched. Panting, he moaned again when he felt himself pulled short. "Please...."

"Enjoy the afternoon, Sheppard. We'll be seeing you soon." A whoosh of the door and they were gone, leaving John half-naked and panting in the middle of his office.

"No, no, please..." John tugged at the restraints, sobbing when they wouldn't let go, when he couldn't get any friction anywhere. He needed to be touched, please, someone, don't leave him... "Be good, I'll be good..." he whispered softly, just wanting them to come back, to not leave him like this.

He stayed like that, tied in place, until his arms went numb. His radio beeped several times, but he couldn't reach it, couldn't answer.

Eventually he just stood there, trembling, head bowed. His body—what he could feel of it—was on fire. He couldn't stop the helpless whimpers that escaped continuously. He was so hard it hurt, the pria coursing through his body, waking up his senses, reminding him how good it felt. So good. He was so lost in his own head, he didn't even register the door opening, that there was someone else in the room.

Hands on his body, tugging up his pants and boxers, made him cry out, pulling him back to the present.

He arched, trying to get more contact, the words tumbling out of his mouth. He couldn't let them leave again, please... "Oh god please touch me, I'll be good, please, I need to be touched, don't leave me like this, be so good—"

"Damn it, sir, what happened?" Lorne asked, his voice tight as he tried to get the ropes untied. "I've called Doctor Beckett already. He'll be here in a few minutes. Just stay with me."

John whimpered, and as soon as his hands were free, he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around the man in front of him—Evan?—trying to get close, trying to get more contact. He whimpered again in pain as feeling flooded back into his numb extremities, but even that was sensation, was pleasurable on some level... "No reports. Can't tell. I'll be so good, I promise..."

"Sir….Sheppard….just hang on," Lorne said, slowly lowering him to the floor. "You need to let go of me so I can untie your feet."

John shook his head, trying to rub against Lorne, trying to crawl closer. He buried his face in the other man's chest, panting hard. "S...sorry. Need... Need to be... Don't leave, okay?"

Arms reluctantly circled him, hands rubbing against his back. "I'm not going anywhere, sir. Can you tell me what happened?"

He shook his head again, arching into each touch, almost purring as he finally got the contact he needed. "Can't. Have to be good."

"What do you mean?" Lorne's voice was quiet, calming.

Lorne had managed to free John's feet while they talked, using one hand. John practically climbed into his lap, trying to get closer. He needed to be touched. "Have to be good," he whispered.

Lorne oofed when John hit a sensitive spot, but didn't push him away. "Why?"

Panting, John began to move, rubbing against Evan wherever he could without losing any contact. He knew he was being asked a question, and he knew it was important, but he couldn't make his scattered thoughts come together. "Rodney. Have to protect Rodney. Can't tell. Have to be good."

"God, Sheppard, stop," Lorne said, tightening his arms so John couldn't move as easily. The doors opened a moment later, several others spilling into the room.

John whimpered as he was pulled away. "Please, no, please, don't leave me alone, please..."

"Major, has he been like this since you got here?" a voice asked—Carson?

"Yeah." Lorne's voice was tight. "I found him half naked and tied to those hooks. All he's said is that he has to be good to protect Rodney. Fuck, Doc, he's acting like he did when we brought him home..."

John arched, trying to curl into the new person sitting next to him, needing to be touched. "Pria. Gave me pria. Please, don't leave me... please..."

"Bloody hell," Carson cursed. "Let's get him down to the infirmary and someone find Rodney."

John sobbed softly when the hands kept pushing him away. He didn't fight them when they put him on a bed, curling into himself. He found a patch of bare skin on his own arm and started to caress it, needing some sort of touch to help ground him. He couldn't think with the need raging through his veins, making him want, so badly, needed to be touched...

A hand settled on his arm as they started moving, the air caressing him as they pushed the gurney down the hall. "Shh, Colonel. We'll get you back to rights in no time."

John arched up as his senses got overloaded. It had been so long, too long, why had they taken the pria away for so long, it all felt so good. "Please? Oh god, please don't leave me alone, it hurts, couldn't even touch myself, please, promise me..."

"We're trying to track down Rodney now, John. But right now I need you to calm down and relax. We need to find out how much pria they gave you."

Whimpering, he nodded, trying to do as he had been told. He was good. He remembered this. If he was good, they might give him more. Time ceased to mean anything for a while. He was aware of being taken somewhere, of crying softly when they left him alone again. When another hand hesitantly touched his back, his cries became all out sobs. "Please... oh god please..."

"John?" It was Carson again. "John, the pria should start wearing off soon."

That just terrified him. "No! Nonono! Please, I'll be good... I promised! Please!"

"Shush. It's not a punishment. There is no way that I'm weaning you off that damned drug again."

He shuddered, part of him insisting he needed to get it together, while the rest of him clamored for more, more, more. "T...touch me. Please. It... grounds me. Makes it... easier to think... Please?"

A chair was pulled up and the hand started rubbing his shoulder and back. "Better?"

He sighed, relaxing into it. "Thank you." Closing his eyes, he focused on the touch, trying to ignore the cries of his body for more as it slowly started to wear off. He turned his face into the pillow, trying to muffle the tears he couldn't seem to stop.

"Can you tell me how this happened?"

"No."

"No, you can'na or you won't?"

He swallowed hard, knowing this answer was probably going to make the soothing touches stop. "Won't."

Carson's hand stilled for a moment before continuing. "Why?"

John fought down the whimper that was lodged in his throat. "Was told not to. If I talk, Rodney will... I can't take chance."

"Rodney will what?"

"Be hurt."

"They threatened you? Why?"

John just shook his head, rubbing his fingers along the inside of his arm as he tried to curl up tighter. "Sorry," he whispered.

"That's not an answer, John."

"I can't. Please, don't ask me to put him in danger..."

"Lorne's already looking into it. It will come out."

John nodded. "Good. Didn't say there couldn't be an investigation, just that I couldn't help. Find the fuckers."

"Without your word or your testimony, he can'na do much," Carson said quietly.

"If he gets them all, I'll testify. But I can't risk Rodney while they're out there, and even I don't know how many there are. I was led to believe there are a few."

"What do they want?"

John let out a short, harsh laugh. "What does anyone want? Power. Prestige. Sex. This isn't the first time they've approached me, although before now it was just insinuations and insults."

"It's different now?"

"Well, they ambushed me in my office, tied me up, stripped me, fucking touched me, then fed me pria and left me there to sob and beg. What do you think?" He shuddered pushing back into Carson's hand slightly, trying to get him to move it again. The pria was wearing off, but now the cravings were kicking in. Not as bad as when he had first been weaned off it, and not to the point where he was going to storm the botany lab, but still...

"I think you're going to make sure they're not on Atlantis very long," Carson said with a sigh. "I need to go and check on your test results and see how Lorne was coming with his end of things. Are you going to be okay for a few minutes?"

John swallowed, but nodded. "I... yeah. Rodney?"

"Lorne's looking for him. He's been off-radio for most of the day."

John felt his breathing quickening as he fought down the panic. "No, oh god... he needs to be okay. Carson, if they did anything to him..."

"They're trying to track him down. He was out on the far end of the city today doing some repairs."

Biting back a moan, John closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. "Tell me when they find him, okay?"

"I will. As soon as he walks in the door I'll bring him back to you. Just rest and relax. I'll make sure Suzanne brings you dinner. It's late."

"It is?" Last time he had really been aware of the time, it had been early afternoon. No wonder he felt so wrung out and tired. He drifted for a while, forcing himself to just breathe, every time his mind started to drift toward pria, he brutally jerked it away, not letting himself go there.

A light knock accompanied a quiet "Sir?"

He didn't bother raising his head, or uncurling his body. He did lift an arm and wave though. "Yes?"

"I have some dinner for you. Doctor Beckett asked me to bring you a tray." A shuffle of steps and Suzanne came into view, glancing down at him. "I'll just put it on the table here if you want."

"Okay. Thanks." He knew he should eat, but he wasn't really interested in food. His stomach was roiling as what had happened really hit home, and the fact that Rodney was still, presumably, missing, just made him want to go find a quiet corner in which to get violently sick.

Suzanne left the tray and quietly retreated, closing the door behind her. John drifted for a while until he was startled by some yelling outside the door. "What do you mean he's been in here for hours? You knew where I was. Why didn't someone have enough sense to find me earlier?"

Rodney. Oh thank goodness. John felt something inside him finally releasing, and for the first time since he had been brought into the infirmary, he let his body unwind a bit, shifting so he could see the door.

It slid open a moment later and Rodney stormed in, his BDUs dusty and dirty. "What the hell is going on here? I get a frantic Marine running down to the bowels of the East city looking for me because Lorne couldn't get me on the radio. Hello! I said the radios were going to be spotty at best, but does anyone listen? No. Of course not. I'm just the genius in charge."

John just let his eyes roam his lover, reassuring himself the other man was safe, unharmed. No one had gone after him like they had threatened. He slumped into the bed, relief flooding through him. He couldn't even work up the energy to answer, just watching Rodney pace and yell. He uncurled a little further, inching his hand toward the side of the bed, wondering if he could get Rodney to come hold it for a minute.

With a huff and a puff of dust, Rodney finally sat down next to the bed. "What is it with you getting into trouble in your own office?"

"Sorry." John moved his hand closer, giving Rodney a hopeful look. "If it makes you feel better, I fought. I just lost."

"So I heard," he said with a sigh, scowling over John's body toward the door. A moment later it slid shut and Rodney's hand grabbed hold of John's. His face quieted, the worry and concern seeping through. "What happened?"

John relaxed further, letting himself unwind the rest of the way. "I was ambushed and threatened, and tied up. Then they fed me pria and left me there, knowing with no one to touch me, and no way to touch myself, I would be half out of my mind by the time I was found."

"I'm sorry," Rodney said, his thumb rubbing against the back of his hand.

John made a happy noise, the last of the tension leaving his body. "It's okay. You're safe, I'm embarrassed and get to play 'No you can't have pria' again for a few days, but it could have been a lot worse."

"What did they want? And why you?"

John closed his eyes, and shook his head. "I can't. They threatened me, and they knew exactly what to use against me to keep me quiet. I already told Carson. If Lorne can find them, I'll testify, but I can't give you any information."

"What do you mean they know what to use to keep you quiet?" Rodney voice was tense, tight, the words hissed.

John squeezed his lover's hands. "If I don't give them what they want, they said they would hurt you. And I'm not willing to let that happen. They can do whatever the fuck they want to me, as long as no one so much as thinks of touching you."

Rodney tugged his hand away. "Is this what everything's been about? About keeping me safe and hidden away? I can take care of myself, Sheppard."

John sighed at the loss of contact, curling his fingers in against his palm. "I know you can. And no, that's not what it's all about, not entirely. It's just what they're using to force me to cooperate. Today was meant to show me they were serious about it."

"No, kidding. So you're just going to roll over and let them do as they please instead?"

John couldn't help the shudder at the choice of words. Smythe had said it wasn't all about sex, but they had touched him, and John had no illusions that eventually he would be taken. Whether by force or drugged into begging for it again, they would, to prove they could. "Give me another option. One that doesn't involve one of us ending up in the infirmary or worse."

"Toss them out on their ass. You have more than enough to send them home."

"And if I miss one of them? I know there were two men in my office, Rodney. I can only identify one. And they hinted that there are more. Lying or not, there's at least one person I can't account for."

"So we deal with it when they do something. You can't just let this go on. I can't see you giving up just because it's the easy thing to do. I thought better of you," Rodney said with a huff, rising to his feet and he began pacing.

"I'm not giving up. I'm giving you guys as much information as I feel I can safely give you. And I've already agreed to testify if Lorne can ID them so the charges will stick."

"Keep telling yourself that. Maybe someone will believe you," Rodney snorted. "Let me see if Carson's going to let you go back to your room."

"Rodney? I… give me options. I can't just give Lorne the one name I have, if I do, I'm risking too much. But if you can find another way, I'll take it. You're a genius, help me. Please." Swallowing, John knew he had to make his lover understand. "I really don't want to get dosed again. I can't... it feels too good, and even now, after that one taste, god I want more. I don't know what will happen if they find a way to slip me more, and I'd really rather not find out."

"And where did they get that in the first place? I thought Beckett's staff had it under lock and key. So much for their crack security measures," Rodney huffed. "Options? You want options? Kick the ones you know about off of Atlantis and worry about the others later. Don't give in."

"And if that results in an attack on you? I don't think I could live with myself, knowing I could have prevented it and didn't." John sighed. "And they do have it under lock and key. I have no idea how Sm... how they were able to get it. He had one of the actual fruits, though. That's what he gave me."

"Sm?" Rodney whirled, staring at John. "Smythe? The Marine that propositioned you?"

John blinked, he had wondered if Rodney would catch it. "You're smart, Rodney. You know Atlantis better than anyone, how to make her give up her secrets. Give Lorne what he needs to track these fuckers down."

"Of course I'm smart. That's a given," Rodney said, staring hard at the wall past John. He snapped his fingers a few minutes later before he turned abruptly to the door.

"Don't forget to ask Beckett if I can go home. And...you're going to come with me, to bed, right?" After being dosed and left alone, he really didn't want to sleep by himself. He needed the comfort. "You aren't going to spend the night working on this, are you?"

Rodney paused, looking back with confusion on his face. John could tell his lover's thoughts had been somewhere else entirely. "What? No, I'm not going to spend the night on it. I'll be back, but I just thought of something for the project I was working on and I need to do."

"Oh. Okay" John hated how needy that damn drug left him feeling. Goddamn Smythe and his power trip.

"I'll be back in a little bit, I promise," Rodney said with a smile before heading out the door.

Sinking back down, John waited to be cleared, and wondered when the next proverbial shoe would drop.

He shouldn't have been surprised when Kate wandered into his room an hour or so later, her face carefully neutral. "John. Do you mind if I come in?"

He waved her in, his skin tingling. "I'm guessing my being cleared later is dependent on your recommendation. And to be honest, I really need some contact." He hated making that admission.

She nodded, offering a small half-smile as she entered, pulling up a chair close to the bed. She hesitated before lightly touching his arm. "So…I didn't expect to have to do this again."

His laugh was both harsh and desperate and he leaned into it. "You and me both."

She shifted in the chair, but kept her hand on his arm, stroking lightly. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"You mean other than the fact that I'm a fucking trained Special Ops soldier and I let them take me down with almost no resistance?"

"You weren't expecting it, obviously. What happened? Carson was a bit…unclear when we asked me to stop by."

"I fucking allowed them to take me down without a fight is what happened." John had had time to think about it, and he was furious with himself. He had no idea why he hadn't found a way out. He should have.

"Of course you fought back," she said.

He shook his head. "I fought but... not to my full ability. Why didn't I fight the way I know I can? The way I was trained to fight. Settings like that are exactly the kind of thing I was taught to defend against, so why the hell didn't I?"

"You were taught to defend yourself against a sexual assault?"

He clenched his fist. "Against a small group of attackers, no matter what their intent was."

Kate was quiet for a few moments, her fingers gliding softly against his skin. "When you'd left my office you seemed in good spirits. Why do you think they were able to take you by surprise?"

He sighed. "I wish I knew. Between this damn drug in my system driving me out of my mind, and trying to figure out why I reacted the way I did... Looking back, I can see all the places I could have fought harder, maybe could have avoided this infirmary visit. But I didn't."

"Why didn't you?"

Some of the fight went out of him, and he slumped into the bed. "I have no idea. What the hell is wrong with me, Kate?"

"We've spent a lot of the last few weeks talking about your frustrations regarding Rodney's recovery. And honestly, I've let you because it meant you were talking and not taking it out on him, but at the same time, I've been remiss in my duties to you as well."

"To me?" He gave her a startled look. "But I thought I was better. I was off the pria, and back on the job."

"But you really haven't addressed what happened to you. Have you even talked about it with Rodney?"

Looking away, John shrugged. "He's had more important things to worry about."

"Ignoring it won't make it go away."

"I'm not the kind of person who needs to talk something to death. You know that."

"Trust me, I know that," she said, offering a small smile. "Do you think your experience could have influenced how you reacted today?"

"My experience?" He shivered a little, glad when she saw it and interpreted it as him needing a firmer touch. He really hated this feeling. Stupid withdrawal.

"John," she said, her voice a little firmer.

Licking his lips, he finally nodded. "Fine. How does what happened to me have anything to do with how I reacted to the attack? Until they drugged me, I don't have that excuse."

"Are you sure about that? They did more to you than just drug you."

"They attacked me. I should have been able to defend myself but I didn't. I just... let it happen." John turned his head away. "And I don't know why."

"I think you do know," she said quietly. "Ashira did more than drug you, didn't he?"

His breath hitched. He had very deliberately not thought of his Mas... of Ashira... since he had come down off the pria the first time. "No. I don't..."

"John." Her voice was firm again.

He couldn't look at her. "It was the drugs. Without them..."

Kate shifted in her seat, leaning in. Her voice was low, deep, crawling into his head. "How long after the drugs wore off did you still have the urge to drop to your knees?"

He shook his head, trying to deny it. But he knew. Knew he still had the urge sometimes. It was under control though. "Please..."

"John…"

"I'm not... that. I'm not him. Ji…Jita. I'm not..."

"No, you're not, not anymore. But you were."

"So it shouldn't have anything to do with what happened today."

"Are you sure about that?"

He finally looked at her, partially because he knew he couldn't hide the turmoil he was feeling, and partially because he knew, if he wanted to continue to be a good leader, as well as help fix Rodney, he needed to get this under control. "No. I... I don't know what to think anymore."

"When's the last time you reprimanded someone?"

He blinked at the sudden change of topic. "I... have no idea. I hadn't thought about it."

"Think about it now."

He swallowed, but did as she asked. His eyes widened as he realized it was probably before the whole…incident. "Not since... since before..."

"Before?"

"Yeah. Before…him."

"Before Ashira."

John flinched. Hearing the name was still painful. But he nodded. "Yes."

"So your staff has been exemplary for the past few months."

"I hadn't... no. I've been... giving it all to Lorne to do."

"Why is that?"

"I... I thought it was because there was just so much to do. I had to delegate... didn't I?"

"You tell me. I thought all reprimands were supposed to be handled by the commanding officer. Was I…mistaken?"

"No." John had to lower his head again. When he did finally speak, he couldn't keep the edge of desperation or fear out of his voice, even he hadn't been under the influence again. "What's wrong with me, Kate?"

She looked away, licking her lips as she obviously gathered her thoughts. "I think that you've done what you always do when things get to be…complicated. You ignore it in the hopes that it will go away. I admit I haven't been as…forceful as I've needed to be because on the surface you are doing well, but honestly, I think you're just barely holding it together."

"I…I've been more focused on Rodney than myself. It's... easier." He looked up again. "But I can't be the commander I need to be like this. I don't feel... broken. And I've been tortured before. Why is this so different?"

"This…changed your worldview, put doubts in your mind about your own identity. You're trying to fall back on what you did before, but things are different now, aren't they?"

John shivered, unable to stop the tremors from running through his body. His voice came out as a harsh whisper. "I liked it. I didn't want it to stop."

"Why?"

"I was... wanted. Cared for. My entire fucking world was just about pleasure. There was no real pain. No hard decisions. No death."

"And that's appealing to you."

"I didn't think so."

"No?"

"I'm a soldier. And a commander. I don't want to walk away from Atlantis or the people I protect."

"But you just said that you didn't want it to stop. That you liked being cared for. That you liked the pleasure."

John shivered again. "I don't know what I want anymore, Kate. And it scares the hell out of me. I know who I am, or thought I did. But now..."

"But now things are different," she said quietly.

"I don't want them to be. I want to pretend it never happened."

"But it did happen and you're still experiencing its affects. You can't ignore it because, unfortunately, it's not going to go away. You can't just snap your fingers and things will go back to the way they were. Both you and Rodney were placed in situations that changed how you react to each other and to the rest of the world and the environment in which you live. Do I still think you can do your job? Yes. Do you believe the same? That, I don't know. I think that's something you need to consider very closely."

"I believe Rodney will be fine. He's stronger than he looks." John rubbed at his arms. "Me? I... would like to think so. Before this, I thought I was doing fine."

"I'd like to talk to you again tomorrow. I want you to think about what you've been doing and how you've been reacting to things that have been going on in your life. Your behavior was changed, but I don't think it's something that has to be permanent. But you have to make that choice. Not me. Not Rodney."

John nodded. He knew the drill, because he had been preaching it to Rodney. He was the only one, in the end, who could get himself better. He had to want it. "Yes."

She slid her chair back and patted his arm before withdrawing her hand. "I know Carson mentioned that you didn't file a report on the assault. You might want to reconsider. You know nothing officially happened if it doesn't appear in a report."

"I can't. They... threatened Rodney. If I talk. I can't risk his safety."

"Can you really trust them to keep their word after what they did to you? Think about it." She patted his arm one last time and walked quietly to the door, closing it behind her.

John closed his eyes, still rubbing his arms. He couldn't help that he needed the reassurance of it right now, as much as he hated it. And he had a lot of thinking to do...

***

It only took John a few more hours to come down off his pria high. By the time they finally fell into bed, Rodney had spent the time wandering through files and reports and security feeds, sending several to Lorne on the off-chance one might help his investigation.

He had some other ideas, but he'd keep them to himself for now. No sense in making John crazy.

John had collapsed into bed along with him, but he was shifting restlessly. Finally, he kicked the covers off and slipped out of bed, pacing toward his balcony.

Rodney sighed and shifted, sitting up. "John? What's wrong? You need to sleep."

His lover half-turned. "I don't want to keep you up. I'll come to bed in a bit."

"Too late."

He could see the hesitation in the way John was holding himself. Before he could say anything else though, John started talking, his words low. Rodney could tell it was hard for him to get them out. "I can't... they touched me, and even before the fucking pria I was responding. I was... I still... I can't help it. It's like I'm one of Pavlov's fucking dogs, trained and conditioned to respond, to get hard, to be nothing more than some fuck's sex toy."

"You know that's not true."

John's silhouette shuddered. "I... I know. In my head, I know, but... God, I just, when the pria took hold, and even as it started to wear off, I just wanted to be on my knees, wanted to open my mouth and be taken." He wrapped his arms around himself. "I need so badly to be touched, and I know I can't ask it of you right now, and I won't ask it of you. But I can't...can't sleep. And I know you have to be in the labs in the morning, so I don't want to keep you up because I'm being an idiot."

Rodney sighed. That's what it all went back to—him, and his fucking mind fuck from Kolya. "What do you want me to do?"

A soft sigh drifted over to him. "Hold me? Will that be okay? Don't think I don't notice you have to pull away at night sometimes because it's too much."

"Is that going to be enough?"

"Yes?"

"John…" Rodney sighed. "I need the truth."

John moved back to the bed slowly, and a stray beam of moonlight highlighted his face for a few seconds. "I want it to be. I don't know if it will. Right now I think I just need the connection, and to know that I'm, that I'm loved and not just an object to be fucked with."

Rodney reached out, catching John's hand. "You know I love you."

"Yeah." He let himself be tugged back into bed, pressing himself close to Rodney's body. "I know, and I know I'm not thinking rationally. But I can't help it. I hated myself for the reaction, and even as I was fighting them, my body was starting to respond. I couldn't stop it, even knowing it was leftover from my training."

"I'm sorry that happened to you and if there was some way I could take it away from you, make you forget…" Rodney sighed. "Where's Spock when you need him?"

John's laugh was a little strained, but he did relax a little. "Sorry I'm dumping this on you. I know it's the last thing you really need right now. But... thanks. It helps. Just having you here helps."

"Good good. Glad I'm good for something."

"More than good. And for more than just one thing." John wiggled a little, pressing closer. Rodney could feel a nose and lips being pressed into his skin. "Tell me if it's starting to be too much, okay?"

"You think I'm not going to tell you if I'm uncomfortable?"

"I think you'll let me do this past the point where you're okay with it because you want to help me." He lifted his head, a few flashes of light glinting off his eyes. "I need this, but not at the expense of your own recovery. I'll survive if you need some space."

Rodney sniffed. "Stop thinking and go to sleep."

John leaned in and brushed their lips together once. "Thank you."

They shifted a few times, getting comfortable before Rodney finally felt John falling asleep, hands clutching at Rodney's hip. He wished he could do more, he really did. But right now, he wasn't sure he could give John what he needed or wanted.

Sleep that night, was a long time in coming. His thoughts were haunted by a litany of "what ifs". He'd reviewed the security footage in the hall outside Sheppard's office. He'd seen their faces—both of them. He knew them.

At some point, John started to move again, shifting, whimpering, and whispering softly in his sleep. "Please, Ashira, master..."

Rodney's heart seized in his chest before he pushed at John, trying to shift him. Maybe it would jolt him out of his memory.

John moved abruptly, curling away. "Master, sorry, be good, I promise, please, more pria, please, I'll be good..." He trailed off into quiet moans.

Rodney pressed his eyes together, holding back his own whimper. "John, wake up," he said, poking at the other man. "You're having a dream."

With a loud gasp, he sat up abruptly, looking around wildly. His gaze settled on Rodney, and for a brief moment there was no recognition. Then his eyes widened and he practically flung himself into Rodney's arms. "Just a dream, oh god, I'm not really... you're safe and I'm here and oh god..."

"No, you're not really begging for your master," Rodney said, wishing he could take back the words even as they were leaving his mouth.

John's entire body shuddered. "I was dreaming you were gone, that you left me, and Atlantis needed an alliance so I was sold back to Ashira. And he... he was so angry and... god, it felt so real."

"I'm still here," Rodney said quietly. "Stop worrying and go to sleep. It was just a dream. Nothing more."

Slowly, the shaking stopped, although John's skin felt clammy. "I know. And Ashira never, he never treated me like that, I was his favorite, but... God, I'm so fucked up tonight. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. What do you want me to do?"

Reluctantly, John sat up. "Go back to sleep. I think I'm going to try a hot shower. I know I won't be able to go right back to sleep—hopefully that will calm me down enough."

"I can go," Rodney said, already sitting up. "That way we both might get some sleep tonight."

John caught his arm. "Stay? If I can't fall right back to sleep now, I'll never get back to sleep without you here."

Rodney sighed, thinking he should hold his tongue, but for some reason unable—and he wasn't sure he felt bad about it either. "Just tell me what you want. I spent all day out in the bowels of Atlantis trying to fix something and then get a frantic Marine yelling at me to come to the infirmary only to find you drugged up to the gills because you managed to get on someone's bad side." Rodney sighed again, not knowing where the anger or exasperation was coming from and hating the attitude and himself for it. He was just tired of feeling on edge, of feeling incomplete. He just wanted something to go right and then this had to happen. He sighed again. "Just…I'll do whatever you want."

John crawled back against him. "Stay. I can do without the shower. I'd rather be with you."

Closing his eyes for a minute, Rodney nodded before settling back on the small bed. "Try to sleep, John. You need it."

John was quiet for a long time, although his breathing didn't even off in sleep. When he spoke again, it was so quiet Rodney almost didn't hear it. "I love you. Don't ever leave me, okay?"

"Why do you think that would happen?"

"You deserve better."

Rodney chuckled bitterly. "Well, we all know what I had before, so you might want to try another answer."

John worked his face so he was talking into Rodney's neck. "I know. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve a whole hell of a lot better."

Rolling his eyes, Rodney tugged John closer, shoving his knee between the other man's legs and holding back his panic a little. "I can say the same thing, you know. Most people wouldn't be sticking it out like you've been."

At the additional contact, John's body finally started to relax again, almost melting into Rodney. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Better than flying."

"Flattery will get you everywhere and you know it. Can we sleep?"

"Mmm hmmm. Thanks." John pressed another soft kiss to Rodney's neck and then wiggled around until he was comfortable. "If you need to back off, do it. I'd rather have you in bed but not as close than having to leave altogether for space, 'kay?"

"I know. Just go to sleep, John. You need it."

"Love you..." His voice trailed off, and his body, now that he had relaxed again, pulled him back into the rest he so desperately needed after his long day.

But Rodney's thoughts just drifted back to the day's events, what he'd seen on the cameras, the faces he wouldn't forget anytime soon. His fingers trailed over John's back, lightly stroking to offer his lover the comfort and the touch he needed right now.

He had to keep John out of it—whatever he decided to do. That much was certain. But, what did he want to do? What could he do without tipping his hand?

And how much did they really know about him and John? That was really the crux of the matter. He didn't want to get John kicked out and he knew they'd been a little less discrete than normal.

That might have to change.

Rodney sighed, letting the feeling of John's skin beneath his hands slowly soothe him into his own troubled slumber.

He woke in the morning with John plastered to him, wrapped around him completely—just like they used to sleep. A single finger was gently making circles on his bare shoulder.

"Hey."

"You're up." His voice was quiet, still sleepy.

"Yeah." John's smile was so tender it almost hurt. "Thanks for last night. I probably would have been a wreck without you here."

"I didn't do anything."

"You were here."

Rodney shrugged. "Your desk chair is here every night too and I don't see you thanking the chair."

"The chair doesn't let me plaster myself to it and rub my back while I come down from a nightmare." He ran the pad of his thumb along Rodney's jaw, and across his lips. "I love you."

"If it had opposable thumbs I'm sure it would," Rodney said, shifting a little so he could see John's face without crossing his eyes. "I love you, too. But you know that already."

"Mmmm, but it wouldn't be the same. It's a nice chair, but it isn't warm and comforting." John continued to caress as he spoke, but it was very light, almost not there. "So what's on your agenda for today?"

"Work. Yelling at the staff. Testing the circuits I fixed yesterday before we move onto the next stage of the repair. The usual. You?"

"Assuming I can shake the guard I'm almost certain Lorne will try to put on me, I have some reports I need to finish up from yesterday."

"Why shake the guard?"

"Because I don't need a babysitter. They got the jump on me, but I won't let my guard down again."

Rodney sighed. "So you're going to make it a point to make everyone mad at you. Good choice there."

"Not intentionally. I just... I don't want to be one of those guys who lets something like this become all-consuming. I can't be an effective leader if I'm afraid to walk around my own damn city by myself."

"Then talk to Lorne. He'll work something out with you. Can you do that for me?"

He could tell John was considering it for a long moment. Finally, he nodded. "Yeah. I know you worry, so I'll see if we can't work something out, okay? Maybe regular check-ins for the next few days or something."

"I just want you to be safe."

"I know. But I don't think they want to hurt me, so much as get something from me. The fact that I react to pria now in about the same way an alcoholic would to getting a taste after he goes clean is irritating, but it won't hurt me. Just make me really needy, and give me nightmares."

"And the fact that I can't do much about that right now makes it even worse."

"You did a lot." John smiled softly again. "This whole thing was a little humiliating, but otherwise I'm okay. If you hadn't been here…I probably would have been a wreck this morning."

Rodney returned the smile. "So what can we do to make this morning even better?"

He saw the surprise register in John's eyes, followed swiftly by desire. "We could kiss. I've wanted to do that since I woke up."

"Mmm. That could work," Rodney said, shifting a little so he was holding John, his hands in the small of his back, sitting just above the waist of John's sweats.

His lover's breath hitched, arching a little into Rodney's hands. Lowering his head, he whispered against Rodney's lips. "It could work very, very well."

"You think so?" Rodney smiled, lips brushing against John's. He licked his lips, making sure his tongue flicked against John.

John moaned softly. "God, I'm still so sensitive. I could probably come just from kissing you. Just from talking about kissing you."

"Take these off," he said, tugging at John's sweats. "No reason to get them filthy."

With another soft, needy noise, John sat up and skimmed out of them. Rodney saw that he was already hard, the tip of his cock glistening a little in the morning sun streaming through the window.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat, his eyes fixed on John's body, his cock.

Leaning back, John spread his legs a little so Rodney could look all he wanted. He was already panting softly, just from that. "This okay?"

"More than okay," Rodney nodded, hand reaching out slowly to trace a path from John's hip down his leg.

John's breath caught again. "God, Rodney..." As Rodney just touched, John struggled to stay still, although his dick twitched every time a sensitive spot was grazed.

Rodney finally looked up, his hand stilling on John's hip. He wasn't hard—at least not fully—but something had changed.

John was watching him through half-lidded eyes. "Still okay?"

"Yeah," Rodney breathed slowly, nodding. "Touch me?"

John's dick twitched hard and his lover reached around, squeezing the base of it hard and breathing for a few long moments. When he spoke, his voice was rough. "Yeah. I can do that. Lie back?"

Rodney shifted on the bed, the sheets shoved all the way down to the end, hanging over. His eyes, though, never left John.

John sat up, scooting so he was sitting next to Rodney. He started at Rodney's ankle, caressing with his thumb. "I know we don't use safe words usually, but I think we should now. Yellow if what I'm doing is starting to bother you, but you don't want to stop completely, red if you need to end it right now."

"Okay," Rodney whispered, his body tingling a little, his hand reaching to brush against John's knee.

John smiled softly, then started to touch him, slowly. He worked his way up Rodney's leg with the same feather-light touches, avoiding his groin, and stopping when he reached Rodney's torso. Then he shifted, moving to start on the other side, back at the ankle.

When John reached the crease between leg and torso, Rodney shivered, goose bumps covering his body.

John was still panting softly. After he finished with Rodney's other leg, he moved up, dipping a finger almost delicately in Rodney's belly button, swirling through the soft hairs that surrounded it.

"John?" Rodney whispered, as he moved higher, hands stroking Rodney's chest.

"Yeah?" John's hand immediately stilled, but didn't leave Rodney's body.

"I want to come for you."

John's eyes snapped up as he sucked in a breath again, and Rodney saw that the hazel was almost gone, blown out with desire and need. "You're sure?"

"Please, John. I…yes, please. This is the first time in I don't know how long I've felt like this and I want it."

John nodded, making a soft noise in the back of his throat. "Okay, yes. Just, remember, yellow for slow down or try something else, red to stop completely." With one hand splayed wide across Rodney's stomach, John bent down and licked a nipple, flicking it with his tongue.

Rodney moaned quietly, arching into the touch, a whispered "green" on his lips. His hands reached for his lover, fingers splaying across skin, receiving a small shudder each time he moved them, stroked John's skin. The pria did this to John, made him so responsive to touching and being touched.

John groaned softly along with him. "Miss tasting you. God, you taste so good..." After a few more flicks, he wrapped his lips around the little nub and sucked softly.

With a whimper, Rodney wrapped his arms around John, trying to tug him closer. He was nervous and slightly panicked that he'd asked John for this, but he wanted it. Mind over matter. Mind over matter. It was as simple as that.

Kate might disagree, but she wasn't here in his head.

John moved so their bodies were pressed together, but he didn't lift his head, paying attention to the nipple he had latched onto until it was hard and sensitive. When he finally lifted up, he blew softly on the wet skin, making goose bumps run all down Rodney's side.

"Oh god," Rodney whispered, shuddering hard. "John…oh John…"

"Shhhh, I've got you, I'm here." The hand still resting on Rodney's stomach started to rub soothing circles, John trying to control his own trembling. "I'm going to do the other side now."

"Feels so good," he panted, his hand reaching up to caress John's face, feeling his lover lean into his touch and moan.

"Good." John turned his head to press a kiss into Rodney's palm. "You taste so much better than I remember. Feel so good to me. So addictive." With another kiss he lowered his head and started to work on the second nipple.

Rodney trembled under John's hands and mouth, whimpering and moaning quietly, his body and mind offering far too many conflicting impulses and feelings.

When both nipples were hard and wet from John's mouth, he started to kiss his way south. "I really, really want to blow you, feel you in my mouth, taste you as you come."

"Kiss me, John, please," Rodney whispered. He knew he could do kissing. "Want to kiss you."

John whined high in the back of his throat, but he complied, moving back up to run his tongue along the crease of Rodney's mouth.

Rodney lifted his head, opening his mouth to catch John's with his own, moaning into the kiss as he tried to tug John closer. He wound his fingers through John's hair at the nape of his neck.

John pressed himself along Rodney's side and dove in, his tongue sweeping into Rodney's mouth, kissing until they were both breathless and had to break for air.

"Please, John. So good, please…" Rodney panted, trying to tug John down again, his hardening cock rubbing against his lover's.

John moaned, moving so they rubbed together again. It felt like John was leaking pre-come continuously now, as slick as he was. He dove back in, mapping out the inside of Rodney's mouth, keeping up the gentle rocking of his hips.

Rodney shifted his legs, spreading them so John could settle even closer. One hand drifted to hold John in the small of his back, tugging them together. He moaned at the increased sensation, the sound swallowed by John's mouth.

John matched his moans, and broke the kiss, but didn't pull away, panting into Rodney's mouth as he continued to move his hips. "I don't...don't know how much longer I can keep from coming..."

"Please, John….please…"

One hand worked between them, and then John's long fingers were wrapped around both their dicks, rubbing them together more firmly as he continued to thrust gently.

Rodney moaned, thrusting up into John as he tried to find his lover's mouth again, connecting with the side of his jaw instead.

John turned his head, sealing their mouths together again and sucking hard on Rodney's tongue.

And between one moment and the next, Rodney saw white and he was coming, the release leaving him shaking and trembling. It wasn't the best or the hardest—probably one of the worst in terms of orgasms—but after so long…

John moaned low and deep into Rodney's mouth, and then he was coming, too, spilling hot against Rodney's stomach, mingling their come. He thrust a few more times, then rolled to the side and collapsed on the bed next to Rodney. "Mmmmmm."

Rodney rolled over, managing to get his sated body to move, pressing close to John as he tried to catch his breath. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

"Hey." John wrapped his arms around Rodney, pulling him close. "How are you doing?"

"Hold me, please, John…"

"Shhh, I'm here. Not going anywhere until you're ready." John's arms tightened briefly, and one hand started to rub those circles again where it rested against Rodney's back.

Rodney took a long shuddering breath, willing his heart rate to slow, his panic to subside a little. It had been good, really good. Any delayed freak out was unnecessary. He shifted in John's arms, managing to press his lips against his lover's.

John kissed him back, just moving their mouths together, not letting it get deep again. "You're so good, Rodney, so perfect. Love you."

Rodney whispered against John's lips, his words echoing John's own before he tried to deepen the kiss, as he began to feel an odd sort of elation.

John parted his lips, tongue teasing at Rodney's lips before retreating again, inviting Rodney to follow. And he did, nipping at John's lips, a whispered "Come on" breathed into the air between them.

Moaning, John opened his mouth further, sucked Rodney's tongue inside.

God. He wasn't horny but this just felt so damn good.

They kissed like that for a long time, trading control back and forth. John was making soft noises every time they broke for air, before diving back in, like he just couldn't get enough.

At that point, the feeling was very mutual. It couldn't get better than this.

Finally, when both of their lips were so swollen it was almost getting painful, John tugged Rodney so his head was resting against John's chest, arms wrapped tight around him to hold him close.

But Rodney tried to move, tried to go back to that feeling, the kissing, but John wouldn't let him, holding him in place even though Rodney whined in complaint.

"Shhh. Hey, it's okay. If we have to go to the infirmary because neither of us has any skin left on our lips, Carson will laugh so hard he'll strain something. He'll never let us live it down."

"Fine," Rodney said, relaxing against John, finally taking the time to breathe and think. "Carson won't complain. Kate might."

"I don't really care what Kate thinks right now. As long as you're okay with this, we're fine."

"I think I am."

"Then that's all that matters." John hooked a finger under Rodney's chin to make him look up. He was smiling softly. "Hey, we actually did that. And we're both okay afterwards."

"Yes, we did that and have the come all over us to prove it," Rodney said, offering a small smile. "Only a little panic on my part."

John's hand dipped down to drag a finger through the combined come, bringing it to his mouth to taste. "Next time, maybe there won't be any panic."

Rodney moaned at John's action, rocking against him again, making sure he mingled more of their come together. "We are so far from where we were it's pathetic."

John licked a bit more come off his fingers. "Doesn't matter. We're together, and in the end, that's all that counts."

"But we can barely do more than a hand-job—if that."

"But a few weeks ago, we couldn't even do that. I have to admit, I'm looking forward to blowjobs again. The way you feel in my mouth, the way you taste..." John's eyes went unfocused for a minute and he hummed slightly, then seemed to snap out of it. "But I kinda like going slow, too. It makes it feel more special when we do decide to do a little more each time."

Rodney sighed and nodded. "We should probably clean up. We made a mess."

John licked a bit more off his fingers. "Give me long enough and I'll take care of it. I missed this. You're better than honey."

Something about it was squicking Rodney, so he just nodded, shifting a little. "Do you mind if I head to the shower? I should get ready to go."

John immediately loosened his arms, letting Rodney put space between them. "Sure. How bad do I look? Think I can get away with a quick jog before I take mine?"

"Join me?" Rodney paused, stuttering as he got nervous. "I mean, if you want. You don't have to."

John's eyes widened again and he immediately nodded. "You know I love to shower with you. I just didn't think you'd let me anymore." He leaned in and brushed his lips against Rodney's again.

Rodney moved in, applying a little pressure before backing off. "I know I freak out over the weirdest things, but I want this. Right now, I want it."

"Good enough for me. We're taking it one day at a time." John stood up and held out a hand. "Shall we?"

"As long as you're okay with the possibility of tomorrow being a whole different thing."

John grinned. "Understood. I'll keep asking before I do anything, and give you plenty of warning so you can veto it."

Rodney smiled as he took John's hand, letting John haul him to his feet. "Right now, we're green. All green."

They wandered into the bathroom, the shower kicking on at a thought. "I've always been partial to green. Brings out my eyes." John was still grinning as he tugged Rodney into the water.

Rolling his eyes, Rodney settled against John, wrapping his arms around him. "Mmm. Today's a good day."

"As corny as this is going to sound, any day that starts out with you next to me is, by default, a good day." John snagged one of the washcloths and soaped it up, rubbing it along the part of Rodney's back he could reach without separating them.

Pushing John back against the wall, trapping his hands behind John, Rodney buried his head in John's shoulder. "Good day," he whispered again, lips rubbing against skin.

Between them, he could feel John's body taking an interest again as he nuzzled into Rodney's wet hair. "Mmmm, very, very good."

"Can you come again?"

John moaned, and his cock went from interested to fully hard. The skin of his chest turned pink as he blushed. "Um, I think that's a yes."

"Can I watch you?"

John's breath hitched again. "God, that's...really, really hot."

Rodney leaned back. "Is that a yes?"

Not breaking the eye contact, John slowly lowered a hand to his own dick, already starting to breathe a little heavily. "Want to tell me what to do, or just stand back and watch?"

Smiling, Rodney stepped back to the other side of the shower so he could get the best view. "I'm good like this."

John moaned, his head falling back against the cool tile of the shower. He started slow, more caressing himself than jerking himself off. The other hand came up to play with one of his own nipples.

Rodney felt his eyes widen a little. "What are you thinking?" he asked, the words whispered.

When he answered, the words were stuttered, coming between hitched breaths and soft panted moans. "You. Th…thinking about you touching me. About the time you made me come just from playing with my nipples."

"You liked that."

"Y…yeah. Th…they're really...sensitive." He pinched the one he had been fondling, tearing a deep groan from himself. "God, this is so... so hot... having you... watch me..."

"You should see yourself, John," Rodney whispered. He couldn't take his eyes off him.

Looking like it was taking effort, John opened his eyes to look at Rodney. "Maybe... later... I'll do this... in front of a mirror... with you watching."

"If you want, John. Only if you want."

He spread his legs a little wider, giving himself better access to stroke. His eyes fell shut again. "I want to... draw this out. But feels so good, your eyes on me. Makes me want. Want you. So much. Love you."

"God. You are so amazing like this. Should do this more often. Especially…especially the way we were before."

"Anytime you want. I need to be…touched more now. Even just…myself. So much better with you watching. Like it's you... touching me. Oh god, close..." His hand started to speed up, as he continued to fondle himself, hips starting to buck slightly into his own hand.

"I'm watching. Watching every move of your hands. Every stroke and pinch and fondle. I'm watching you fall apart, John. All because I asked you to."

With a strangled moan that sounded a lot like Rodney's name, John was coming, letting everything go, giving everything he had to Rodney.

As John panted, barely staying upright, Rodney waited a few seconds for the water to wash the come away before he moved forward, wrapping his arms around John. "Wow…that was…wow."

"Nng." John was almost boneless, slumping against the wall and Rodney.

They stayed like that, bodies wound together, the water pouring over them until John finally found his feet. "Better?"

"Mmmmm. Better than better." He had a goofy, sated grin on his face.

Rodney chuckled into his shoulder. "Good. It's time to get ourselves presentable."

John held up one hand, wiggling his fingers. "Starting to get pruny."

"Yes, we are," Rodney agreed stepping back. They moved through the motions of washing and showering, stopping to touch and kiss throughout, laughing and playful in ways they hadn't been for a very long time. God. This was good, really good.

They headed out to their respective duties—John to his office to work, Rodney to the labs—the day morphing from one hour to the next. Breakfast quickly became lunch—shared with Carson and John—becoming dinner and a movie with the team.

That night they slept tangled together in John's bed, the comfort of touch and skin enough to hold them both.

They didn't have sex the next day, or the day after, falling instead into a much more domestic routine of working and sleeping and eating and talking, in the quiet comfort of lovers and friends and mates.

But through it all, Rodney was planning and scheming, the faces of the two men—Smythe and Arnold—burned in his mind. He watched them when he could, trying to gage their motive, their attitude.

He knew where they ate, when they ate, where they bunked, who they talked to. They were friends with Cadman and Beckett and several other soldiers—Marines and AF alike. Nothing made sense.

So he dug deeper, looking for connections.

He'd find them. He knew he would. He'd protect John from them—and himself—if he had to.

***

John loved mornings. The crisp, fresh promise of a new day, a new start. Rodney had some experiments that he needed to be in early for, so John had elected to take a jog before showering and really starting his day.

He chose a route that wound around the city, sticking in or close to the inhabited areas instead of his usual inclination to seek out the quieter corners. That was his concession to his friends, team, and lover, whom he knew were all still worried about him.

It felt good: the way the material the Ancients had used for flooring gave slightly beneath him, the burn of muscles, even the sweat dewing up on his back. It left him with a clear head, feeling refreshed and energized for the day. He loved jogging, and he wished it was something he could share with Rodney, but he had given up on that, at least for now. Maybe someday his lover would give it a shot with him again.

John's thoughts drifted back to the session with Kate yesterday, despite not wanting to think about it. She was insisting on at least once a day it being just about him. If he wanted to talk about Rodney, he had to make a second appointment with her now.

It wasn't getting any easier to acknowledge the changes in himself, but in some ways… He could at least think the name 'Jita' now without cringing. He was coming to realize, with Kate's pushing, that Jita and his outlook were a part of John's psyche now, whether he liked it or not. If he didn't want to let himself be a victim and be walked all over because of a subconscious need to submit, he had to work through his issues. He understood that in theory, but it didn't make it any easier to accept.

He still spent a lot of time denying how deep it went, even though he knew, and was starting to admit to himself, that it was a part of him he needed to get under control.

As he rounded a corner, the sunrise was in full view, so John slowed to a walk, taking the time to admire how truly beautiful his city and this alien planet he now called home really were.

"Morning, Colonel." The words were quiet, the tone familiar.

And all at once, John's good mood faded, draining out of him. He whirled, eyes narrowing. "Smythe. Little early for you isn't it? Don't you have the overnight shift?"

"I'm just getting off. Wanted to take a quick jog before I headed in for a little shut-eye. You're looking well-rested." His eyes slid up and down John's body, pausing at his cock, before finally stopping to meet John's gaze.

"Fuck off." Keeping an eye on the man, John picked up his pace, heading back for the populated routes. He'd left his radio in the room and silently cursed himself for doing so. Without an ambush, he was pretty sure he could take the Marine, but he didn't want another confrontation. If he could stall this bastard long enough for Lorne to pinpoint his and his cronies' identities...

"I came to tell you something." Smythe kept up easily.

"I can't even begin to tell you how much I really could care less." Just a little further and they would be in the regular patrol routes, with Marines scheduled to come by every ten to fifteen minutes...

"Tell McKay to leave well enough alone or he'll find himself in a mess of trouble."

That made John stumble a little, catching himself. "Leave McKay out of this. I haven't court-martialed your ass, but don't push your luck. You touch him, I will put you away for life."

"We'll see. Pass along the message, Sheppard." Smythe turned down a side corridor, headed away from John.

"Go fuck yourself, Smythe." John growled. He turned, heart pounding, to head back to his quarters.

He moved through his routine quickly, showering and changing, before he headed to the mess and the crowds there. Zelenka was there holding court with several other scientists. Wasn't he supposed to be helping Rodney?

John altered course, catching Radek's eye and giving him an easy smile. "Hey. I thought you and Rodney were holing up for the morning. If you're done, know where I can find him?"

Zelenka looked at John for a moment, forehead creasing. "Rodney is working on project. I did not ask what."

John blinked. "He told me he was locking himself and you in a lab for the morning, and would be off radio until lunch at least."

Radek shrugged. "Maybe he changed mind. He was busy busy busy this morning when I walked in."

"Huh. Well, thanks anyway." John kept his expression easy, despite his stomach's sudden attempt to claw its way out of his body. God, he was going to have an ulcer before this was over. Smythe's warnings ringing in his ears, John ran through his options. He wanted to go check on Rodney, but he didn't want to do anything the bastards would take as capitulation. And he also knew posting Ronon as his lover's shadow would go over about as well as if John suddenly suggested he was becoming a monk and swearing off sex for the rest of his life.

But maybe he could…

Veering, John started for the meditation room, where Teyla could usually be found at this time of the morning. He wasn't disappointed, and sat down quietly in the corner, knowing she had heard him come in and would acknowledge him in a moment. He was impatient, but he had no proof Rodney was in danger, and she could kick his ass if he pissed her off.

She glanced up several minutes later, turning gracefully to John. "Good morning, Colonel."

"Morning." He shifted a little, trying to get comfortable. "Sorry to bother you during your down time, but I have a favor I need to ask."

She eyed him for a moment before uncurling her limbs, loosely draping her arms around her knees. "Does this have a connection to the events that occurred to you last week?"

He nodded. "You've heard why I can't give Lorne any real leads, right?"

"You fear they may do something to Doctor McKay."

Shifting again, he nodded. "I got a...warning this morning. For Rodney. I don't want to tell him, since it will just worry him, and I can't set an obvious guard on him because he'll just get pissed. But of the team, you're the only one he really won't get irritated at. I was hoping I could convince you to keep an eye on him for me."

Teyla was quiet for a moment, her lips pursed as she considered her words, her answer. "I do not understand why you will not report this person. He should not be allowed to threaten you or others. But I have no objection to spending time with Rodney."

He sighed. "You don't understand. I just…can't. Rodney's off somewhere by himself doing God knows what. When I asked, he was vague, and I didn't want to push. I can't—" He cut himself off, running a hand through his hair. "I just want to protect him, if I can."

"As do I." She nodded, rising to her feet. "I can go speak to him."

John smiled. "Thanks. I know he won't accept a regular guard, for the same reasons I won't. But I'll feel better if I know someone he respects and trusts and who he won't toss out of the labs on their ass is keeping an eye out too."

Teyla's lips twitched. "He still may…toss me out of his labs, but perhaps he will speak with me before that occurs."

Grinning, John rose with her. "Thanks. I'll be in my office most of the day if you need me."

"But John, how do you know he would not accept a guard. Have you asked?"

"I know he won't."

"You did not ask."

"No."

She was silent for a moment. "He is stronger than you know. You should not underestimate him."

"I don't."

She didn't reply again, but tilted her head to the side, watching him for a long moment. Eventually she nodded her head, quietly padding out of the room and down the stairs with John at her side. She turned to the living quarters at the bottom, while John turned the other way, heading to his office.

Rubbing the back of his neck, John wished he could do more. He was worried about making a move because he couldn't be seen as capitulating to Smythe's threats, but he couldn't leave Rodney unprotected either. Slipping into his office, he did a quick check, making sure he was alone—yeah, he was a little paranoid about that now—before sliding into his seat and settling in to try and get some actual work done.

Lorne checked in with him several times throughout the day—none of them scheduled, but all of them part of the "Keep John Sheppard safe" plan.

Sometime in the late afternoon his email binged and he pulled up the application, noting the new message at the top of the window from an address he didn't recognize. Without access to the data burst to the SGC, he knew it wasn't new email from home.

No. This was from within Atlantis.

Clicking it open, there was a simple message.

We have more of these.

There were several images attached and with shaking hands he moved his mouse to click on the first one.

Him and Rodney naked and kissing.

John felt the blood drain out of his face as he stared. He recognized the background. That was his quarters. How the fuck...

He quickly clicked on the next and the next and the next. They were all the same. Variations on a theme.

Very explicit. Very personal. Very revealing.

The last was a picture of Rodney by himself, somewhere on Atlantis, caught mid-gesture with his hands waving and his mouth open. It was a normal scene, but the threat was more than implied.

John deleted the email, furious, but not knowing what else he could do. The fuckers... they had to have his fucking room bugged, and he didn't even know how they could have managed that. Putting his head down on the desk, he took a few deep breaths, weighing his options, trying to figure out what he could do to protect Rodney and not get himself discharged or thrown into prison for violating a stupid rule.

Radek. He could ask Radek to help him make sure the room was clean and clear.

Plan in mind, he stood and headed for the door. He wasn't however, expecting to be shoved backwards as soon as the door opened, stumbling back. Fuck! He immediately lashed out, trying to disable and bring down the person coming at him.

He wasn't expecting the stun beam from the obviously alien weapon rendering him completely immobile and yet completely aware.

"Going somewhere, Sheppard?"

He hit the ground, groaning. Fuck. He couldn't even talk. What the hell had they hit him with?

"I know you just checked in with Lorne, so we have a little time to get to know each other better," Smythe said as the door closed and locked behind him.

John's heart sped up as he was manhandled back into his chair, pants opened and pulled down, shirt stripped off, and then tied with his hands behind his back and his legs spread wide. The blast was starting to wear off by the time Smythe was done, so John worked his jaw a little, regaining the ability to speak. "You know, this shows a surprising lack of creativity on your part. Going to dose me and leave me here again?"

"No, but I figure I can have a little fun," Smythe said, pulling a very familiar object from his pocket—one of the Ancient cock rings. "Also, this should remind you that we can do whatever we want to whoever we want whenever we want."

John felt his eyes widen. Where had he... But before John could say anything, could process that Smythe had the gene, the ring was slipped on him, already buzzing hard and making him strain up against the ropes, his body's reaction overriding the last traces of the stunner. "The fuck—"

"I didn't think McKay would mind if we borrowed it," Smythe said with a smile as he ramped up the vibrations. "Ancient technology is a lot of fun, don't you think?" he asked as he tugged John's radio receiver out of his ear.

Breathing ragged, John tried to ignore the sensations, tried to convince himself he wasn't getting aroused. He tried to buck, but knew he wouldn't be able to take the ring off himself—only the gene carrier who activated it could do that. He tried for a glare, which faded into a moan as Smythe rapidly changed the strength a few times before settling back into a hard buzz.

Chuckling, Smythe settled back on the desk, watching John. "I've asked the ring to stop in a few hours. Figured you'd have enough by then."

John widened his eyes again, opening his mouth to protest but quickly getting cut off.

"Oh, you'd rather have it on for longer? I can always adjust it if you want."

Trying for another glare, he trembled as the intensity went up again. At least he hadn't been given any pria. That would have made this unbearable. A little arousal for a few hours never killed anyone. Humiliating maybe, but not unbearable.

"So you're probably wondering why I'm here."

"Forgive me if I really couldn't give a shit. You're a fucked up asshole on a power trip."

Smythe shrugged. "You're allowed to think that if you wish. I'm here to discuss what you're going to be doing for me."

"Go to hell."

"Mmm. No thanks," Smythe said, closing his eyes for a moment as he concentrated. The cock ring tightened down a little more.

John clamped down on the noise he wanted to make. He wasn't going to give Smythe the satisfaction.

"Good. I have your attention." Smythe crossed his hands over his chest, his eyes lingering on John's body. "Your boy toy has been snooping into things he shouldn't. Stop him or we will."

"I have no control over what he does and neither do you. Try anything, and you'll get caught so fast your head will spin."

"Oh, I don't think so. Teyla and Ronon have been watching him, but even they have their weaknesses."

"Idle threats. So far the best you've been able to do are take a few pictures and give me a nice buzz. You really think I'm going to roll over and beg for that? Think again."

"Ah. I see you received the images. Would you like to see the video instead? How about the video from the other morning, the first time you and McKay had sex in weeks?"

John kept his face as impassive as possible with the cock ring still happily vibrating. "So you've got a few incriminating pieces. If I get discharged, you don't get what you want anyway."

"Of course we will. Someone else will be in charge. Someone more in tune with our needs and desires. Weir fights for you, but it's only a matter of time before that will change. We can make sure that you never see McKay ever again."

John rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Can we get on with this? I've been threatened with worse by people a lot more intimidating than you." He watched the other man pull something out of his pocket, and John felt a flicker of fear. He couldn't see what it was, but he was terrified the bastard would dose him with the ring on. He just couldn't let him know that.

Smythe shook out a long piece of fabric and moved around behind John. He looped it over his eyes and tied it tightly in place. John heard the door open and Smythe spoke quietly to someone. He could hear several people in the room now, feel their gazes on him.

Fuck. Oh fuck this wasn't good. He couldn't help tensing, not liking where this was going at all. Bravado was about all he had left at the moment. "I should start charging admission."

No one spoke, but their hands were on him—touching him, pinching him, stroking him.

John tried to twist away, but the ropes held, and the intensity of the ring started to fluctuate, distracting him, making it hard to focus. He tried to will down his arousal, but fingers were finding all his hot spots and ramping him up. He swallowed the first few moans, but when someone pinched his nipple, a strangled one managed to escape. "S...stop. Please."

"This is just the beginning, Sheppard." Smythe's voice was haughty and came from somewhere across the room. The bastard was watching.

John bit the inside of his lip and focused on his breathing, tried to ignore what was being done to him, tried to shut it out. In and out. He wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of reacting again. Not if he could help it.

John certainly wasn't expecting the fist in his stomach.

He tried to double over, stopped by the bindings, pain and pleasure mixing and making him groan, unable to help it.

They continued stroking him, beating him, ramping him up and then making him cry out in pain and pleasure as they worked him over.

"Every time you resist, something will happen to you or someone you care about," Smythe said, his words far away.

John barely registered the words, so lost in his own body. It was getting hard to tell the difference between what felt good and what hurt. Right now he was being stroked, moaning softly as both his nipples were teased, a finger pushed into his mouth. He was sucking on it before he could think about it, could stop himself.

Smythe chuckled. "Look at him. Begging for more. His kind shouldn't be here." The fingers were pulled out and something else was shoved in his mouth—hard and long and round-ish, filling his mouth. Fingers secured it behind his head with a buckle.

"You're not the only one to bring back a few toys, Sheppard."

He shook his head, trying to clear it, trying to figure out what it was. But a hard buzz, combined with targeted touches all over his body at the same time derailed him, making him arch and moan again.

By the time the punches and touches finally trailed off, he was aroused so much it hurt, but that pain was only echoed in the rest of his body. Pulled muscles, bruises and contusions.

The rest of the people filed out quietly until John could only sense one other person in the room with him.

"Remember, we can do this anytime we want, to anyone we want. And this is mild. Get McKay to stop. If you don't, he's next and no amount of guards will change things."

John had finally identified the object in his mouth as some sort of dildo. He swallowed the whimper that threatened to escape, shaking his head again. He wasn't expecting anything more, so when he felt something being worked between his legs suddenly, John howled, trying to buck away.

"Shush, Colonel. This isn't going to hurt you." Something cold was pressed just behind his balls, against the sensitive skin there. "Since I'm not untying you, I'll have to leave this here. Next time, maybe I'll remember to bring a nice big dildo and shove it up your unprepared ass. Or maybe I'll just bring that when I visit McKay. He'll like that I'm sure."

Something flicked on and there were more vibrations extending back all the way to his hole.

John screamed as much as he was able, once again trying to buck but firmly held in place. He tried to twist away from the hand stroking his chest again, but finally gave in, stilling, trembling hard at the sensory overload as his body begged for release and was denied.

"Make sure McKay stops. I'll be in touch with more…requests shortly. Enjoy yourself, Sheppard," Smythe said, the doors to his office closing, leaving John alone.

Sobbing softly, John tried to twist, tried to escape the vibrations around his cock, between his legs, but moving only seemed to be working it further back, letting it nudge against his entrance. He sobbed again and stilled, head hanging, knowing he had no choice. He had to wait until someone found him like this and released him.

Wonderful.

He heard his radio buzz once, and then again a short time later. Rescue was on the way.

He wanted to sob again. God, he didn't want to be found this way, like this. Not again, without even the haze of pria to dull it. As soon as they released him, he was finding the deepest hole he could find and hiding for a while.

"Damn it, sir." Lorne to the rescue. Hands quickly tugged off the blindfold and worked at the buckle to loosen the gag.

John kept his eyes lowered, couldn't look his XO in the eye. Not like this, with the buzzing still keeping him hard, keeping him aroused. And that wouldn't shut off and come off until whenever Smythe had set it for.

"Sheppard, tell me who did this to you and what they did—apart from the obvious." He tugged at the vibrator between his legs, switching it off and putting it on John's desk. The computer had gone into his screensaver program, but instead of the twirling Atlantis logo, it was images of John and Rodney—in various compromising positions.

Lovely. John just lowered his head again, waiting to be untied, waiting to escape and maybe drink himself into oblivion. He knew where Zelenka kept the experimental swill.

Lorne sighed and stepped back, dragging his hand across the track pad to shut off the screensaver. He tapped his radio a beat later. "Lorne to Beckett. I need you in Sheppard's office ASAP. Lorne, out."

"I'm fine." John's voice felt rusty, the dildo that had been shoved into his mouth, coupled with the screams they had managed to pull out of him, leaving him feeling used, raw. He just wanted a shower, to wash away the feeling of the hands all over him, and then blessed darkness. Just for a little while.

"That's not for you to decide. When we agreed to these arrangements you said you would submit to whatever I thought was necessary if something happened to you. This is my call right now." Lorne moved around behind him, already digging at the knots.

John whimpered softly, unable to help it anymore, as the knots released, dragging against sensitive skin. "Later. I will. Right now... just let me go get drunk and pass out for a little while."

"No. End of story. You'll get a guard on your ass the minute you step out that door. And I'm reporting it. No arguments. I'm not letting this pass again."

John couldn't argue. He was argued out, and while he knew it wasn't Lorne who had done it, the results of the last time he argued were still a bit too fresh. Instead he just took the clothes Lorne handed him as soon as he was free, dressing as comfortably as he could with the ring still on, and then tried to curl into a chair. He considered running, but knew he wouldn't get far. What was the point?

Beckett showed up a few minutes later, kit in hand. And he was alone. "So, what do we have here?"

John didn't say anything, couldn't. He didn't even look up, not wanting to see what was in their faces, what they were thinking.

"Sheppard, answer me," Carson said sternly as he kneeled before John.

"Yes?"

"You have a choice right now. You can answer me and submit to a check here and now or I can bring the entire medical team here and bring you to the infirmary. What will it be?"

John shuddered hard, whimpering softly. He didn't want to be touched anymore, didn't want any more hands on him right now. But he understood Beckett needed to do his job. "Here."

"Then start talking," Carson said, already tugging up his shirt, his fingers gentle, clinical.

John still jerked at each touch, moaning softly as the movements rubbed fabric against his raw dick. "Ambushed me. Stunned me with something. Touched me. Beat me. Will happen again if I don't do what they want."

"Aye, you're gonna have some nice bruises," Carson said quietly. "Can you take the ring off?"

"No."

"No?"

"Not keyed to me."

"Who is it keyed to, sir?"

John shook his head, still not looking up at either of them.

Lorne's voice was tight. "I'll need a list of all personnel with the ATA gene, Doctor." Carson agreed immediately as he tugged John's shirt back down.

Of course, it was at that moment that the ring stopped vibrating and snapped off, releasing the pressure that had been building.

John screamed, his entire body convulsing as the pressure relented and his body took what it had been begging for.

He came to in Carson's arms, his body still trembling.

It was the last thing, he broke, unable to stop the sobs that wracked him, pain and humiliation and fear for not only himself but also for his lover pushing him over the edge. Everything came crashing down on him. The slavery, the addiction, what had happened to him and Rodney. Everything. He tried to pull away, to curl into a corner, but Carson wouldn't let him. Perversely, that only made the sobs stronger.

"Shush, John. It's only us. Lorne's gone to do some investigative work."

John just shook his head, wishing he could find a nice deep hole somewhere and hide. Maybe for the rest of his life.

"Hiding wil'na help, wil'na protect Rodney."

Shaking like a leaf, John finally gave up trying to pull away and buried his face in the other man's shoulder, letting the sobs out, letting himself go. "Please, just let me go. I'll be all right later, but right now, just let me go get so drunk I won't have to think for a while, won't have to feel anything."

"Getting drunk is not the answer. Getting you back to your room and cleaned up so you can meet Rodney for your usual dinner is on your agenda, however."

Panic welled up in him. He couldn't. He couldn't face the mess right now. Smythe would most likely be there, and who knew who else, which other cronies had been touching John, playing his body, and he wouldn't know it. He couldn't look anyone in the eye, not right now. He couldn't—

"Do you want them to know they beat John Sheppard?"

"I can't... Carson..." He didn't even want to go back to his own quarters, knowing they were bugged, knowing Smythe would be watching him fall apart.

"Do you want me to get Rodney?"

John shook his head. "He has work he needs to be doing. This will only worry him. I... I just need a shower, and then I want to sleep and not think for a little while. Please?"

"Your quarters?"

Shaking his head violently, John shuddered. "Bugged. Rodney's... he sweeps his room regularly to test the equipment. Should be clean."

"Fine." Carson helped him upright, making sure John was steady on his feet before letting go. "My first and only order: no drinking. Don't make me regret letting you go on your own."

John nodded, willing to agree to anything. He knew where Rodney kept a few bottles though. As soon as he was there, he could break out something. He needed oblivion desperately, and he didn't want it in the infirmary with the entire city looking on.

"If I find out you ignored my orders, I will not hesitate to drag your ass into the infirmary."

John didn't care. He just nodded again. "Can I go now?"

"John, you have to do something about this."

He flinched. "I can't do anything except what they want. Next time it might be Rodney who pays. I have to go." He whirled and fled, not knowing how much longer he could keep it together, ignoring Carson calling after him.

He made it to Rodney's quarters in record time, going straight for the bottle of vodka he knew was hidden there. Uncorking it, he drank several gulps in one long pull, welcoming the dulling of his senses as it started to work through his system. He drank more as he stripped and got into the shower, taking it with him. He washed, several times, then sat on the floor in the corner, knees drawn up, and nursed his ticket to numbness.

He woke up several hours later, hunched uncomfortably in the shower with a hangover like you wouldn't believe, the water long since turning off—probably when he fell into unconsciousness.

He didn't even bother to try to stand. Checking his vodka, he saw he still had a little left, so he downed it, hoping it would let him return to the nice unfeeling sleep. He crawled into the bedroom, leaving the now-empty bottle in the shower, and managed to pull himself into the bed. He made himself as small as possible in the corner, but sleep wouldn't come again.

Instead, he saw flashes, images, of what they would do to Rodney. His mind sure could come up with some disturbing ideas.

John whimpered to himself, curling in closer. Closing his eyes, he tried to force the images away. He wondered if he was steady enough to retrieve the bottle of Zelenka's swill that had been next to the vodka.

But the bottle was so far away and Rodney might complain if he went looking for it and couldn't find it later. He tilted his head to the side, realizing for the first time it was dark in the room, the moonlight barely illuminating Rodney's quarters.

God, how late was it? Fear suddenly spiked through John, as hot as it had in his office. Where was Rodney? With effort, he crawled to the side of the bed, reaching for the spare radio Rodney kept in the bedside table. He voice still felt rough, used. "Sheppard to McKay."

The reply was long in coming, half slurred with sleep. "McKay here and the city better be falling down."

"Where are you?"

"Sleeping. Where else would I be at three in the morning?" The voice had started getting a little high pitched and annoyed.

John was panting a little, and he ruthlessly forced down the panic. "You're not here. Where... where are you?"

"Obviously not, Sheppard, seeing that I have no idea where you are and you didn't answer your radio when I called you…oh I don't know, hours ago when you missed dinner. And again after dinner. And again before bed. And I'm not having this conversation over a public channel. Good night."

John whimpered softly. If he wanted Rodney, he was going to have to get up, to move, to go to his own quarters where he was—they were—being watched. He switched to a private channel, the team channel, knowing Ronon and Teyla would be asleep. "Rodney?"

It took a moment before John heard the other man's huff. "John, I'm tired and I've had a long day."

"I need you." He didn't often come right out and ask, words of love coming easily, but admitting he couldn't handle things—that was so much harder.

There was a long pause. "Where are you?"

"Your room. I couldn't face mine." Carson must not have told him, Rodney didn't know.

"Why the hell…fine. Give me ten minutes. McKay out."

Dropping the radio back onto the table, John scooted back to his corner, curling up again to wait. He forced himself to think of nothing but his own breathing. In and out.

An eternity later, the door slid open and McKay stumbled in, his hair sticking up, his clothes rumpled. He paused in the middle of the room, squinting through the darkened room to find John. "Why the hell is it so dark in here? And why does it smell like a bar?"

"Drank your vodka. Don't tell, Carson." John curled in on himself a little more as Rodney brought the lights up a bit, presumably to find him.

"What the hell is going on? Are you drunk?"

"Yes? Maybe. I was. Drank the rest of the bottle, but it didn't let me stay down all night. Please?" John lifted his head enough to look at Rodney, not sure what he needed, but knowing he was close to the edge and Rodney was the only one who could pull him back. He hated to ask it of him, now, when McKay had his own issues, but just for tonight, John needed him.

"Why are you getting drunk?" Rodney hadn't moved, but his face was tight in anger and fear and confusion.

John closed his eyes, afraid of what his lover's reaction would be. "Th…they ambushed me again. Stunned me when they came through the door so I couldn't fight until I was restrained. Thought Carson would tell you."

"They what?! No, Carson decided not to share that particular piece of information with me. I'm guessing that was because you told him not to. God. Why are you letting them do this to you? You already have Ronon and Teyla watching me—as if that's not a big enough clue to anyone looking that you're really worried about me. But then you refuse to take care of yourself!"

John started to shake and couldn't stop it. "Told him he didn't have to call you away from the labs, but I didn't tell him not to tell you! Lorne is p…putting a guard on me starting tomorrow. I won't fight it."

"So you weren't going to tell me at all? Just sweep it under the rug?"

"I... I wouldn't have kept it from you, no. I just... I needed to not feel them touching me anymore, I needed to not think and I couldn't.... I knew you had the vodka here, and my room is b…bugged. I didn't think beyond that. I wasn't... wasn't really thinking."

"Bugged?" Rodney stilled. "What do you mean bugged?"

"They had pictures. Of us. Said they had video, too." John curled as tight as he could, trying to stop the shaking. "They said if I didn't obey, they would release them, and you... you would be the next one they hurt. I don't know if I can protect you."

"Is that why Teyla insisted on following me everywhere?"

"Yes. I was told to warn you to stop interfering, but I knew you wouldn't... I want you to find them." John felt himself flush, hating himself a little. "I know you and Lorne, if I can hold out long enough... you can stop it, but they... when I didn't warn you they decided to... to give me another demonstration."

"I was working on an experiment yesterday and then I had to fix some power connections. Am I supposed to stop trying to fix the city?"

"No," John whispered it. "They said you were meddling. I haven't asked since I didn't want to know, to have to lie. Figured if I didn't know what you were doing, I couldn't tell them. But I asked Teyla to keep an eye out. Knew you wouldn't—didn't want you to—stop working, and you wouldn't let me or Ronon do it. But Teyla is quiet and could protect you."

"Yes, Sheppard, because I spend all of my time doing Lorne's job. Of course that's what I'm doing instead of my job." Rodney had started moving, pacing a little in the middle of the room.

John closed his eyes again, head starting to pound. "I'm only telling you what they told me. I was warned. Said if you didn't stop, you'd be... that I had to make you stop or they would t...touch you, like they..." He couldn't stop the shaking, the more they talked about it, the closer it felt. Hands on him, arousing him, blurring the line between pleasure and pain, turning him into the slut, the whore they said he was...

Rodney's hands were on him, hot against his skin. "God damn it, how much did you drink?"

John hiccupped, twisting so he could curl into Rodney. "W...whole bottle. Was considering the swill next, but thought I should call you instead."

"I didn't have a whole bottle of anything in here, John. What did you drink?"

"In the shower. Bottle... I left it there. It was pretty full when I started."

"Damn," Rodney said, already moving away, tapping his radio. "McKay to Beckett. I need you in my quarters immediately. Something's wrong with Sheppard."

John shivered again. "He's...he's going to be mad at me. Made me promise not to drink. But I l...lied. I couldn't take it anymore, I could still f...feel hands on my body..."

"…he said he drank my Vodka, a whole bottle, but I didn't have a whole bottle….I don't know," Rodney said, coming out of the bathroom, the bottle held carefully between two fingers. "Bring a gurney."

John backed away, further into the corner, making himself small. He was whispering, shaking his head. "No. I don't... I can't take everyone looking at me. Please, let me stay here..."

"No, John. You drank something that is not alcohol and we need to get you checked out."

He licked his lips, compacting his body, knees to chest. "Woke up in the shower, where I passed out. Climbed into bed and called you."

"Why didn't you just call me?" Rodney asked, all the fight gone as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

John blinked, licking his lips. "I knew you were working on the city, on an important project. Didn't want you to have to stop just because I couldn't... couldn't stand knowing I was a s…slut, like they... that I got... I couldn't stop it, couldn't make myself... they stole the Ancient cock ring from my room, used it..." John was babbling, feeling the sobs starting to well up again as it came crashing back, everything that had happened. He wanted to be strong, to shrug it off, but it felt like his emotions were out of control, careening across the board.

"We're going to stop them. I promise," Rodney said, moving forward, pulling John into his arms.

With a cry, John let himself be pulled out of his corner, trembling against his lover, taking the comfort he so desperately needed. "I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't want to, to get hard. Didn't want to be aroused. But they kept... kept touching me, and using vibrators... beat me when I wouldn't respond... I'm sorry, so sorry..."

"Shush…it's not your fault. I'm here…It's okay." Over and over again, Rodney whispered reassurances as he rubbed John's back, trying to comfort him.

Clinging, John let the words wash over him, let them comfort him, let the feel of Rodney's hands on his body chase away other, less welcome touches. He didn't know how long they were there like that when the tone of Rodney's voice changed, another answering him.

John concentrated on his lover, trying to piece together what was happening. Rodney didn't sound happy.

"Thanks to your shoddy voodoo medicine, I had to find him like this. He probably needs his stomach pumped. God only knows what he actually drank."

"Bloody everlasting hell. I made the stupid fool promise not to do this."

John turned his head enough to peek out from Rodney's shoulder to see Carson watching him. "S...sorry. I l…lied. Just wanted to not feel anymore, for a little while."

"See what happens when he gets something in his head? Nothing changes his mind. Nothing at all." Rodney's voice was strange, tight. "Come on, John. Let's get you fixed."

John made a soft noise, not wanting to be separated from Rodney just yet. "I...I'm sorry. I won't fight the guard Lorne's putting on me. I'm sorry, Rodney, please... don't be mad at me."

"Just get on the gurney and listen to Carson."

John's breath hitched, but he moved to obey. "I'm s...sorry. Rodney..."

"I know. Just…" He sighed, the sound tired, weary. "Please go with Carson so he can fix you. I'll be along in a few minutes once he's checked you over."

John whimpered as he climbed onto the gurney, curling again. "I tried to fight. I did. I don't want... I didn't ask what you were doing because I didn't want to stop you. I want to tell you everything I know, but I don't want you to get hurt."

"I love you, John. I'll see you in a little while."

Something in John finally relaxed, and he nodded. "Love you, too. Always. Just want to protect you, love you, make you happy."

"I know." Rodney smiled at him before turning his attention to Carson. "What are you waiting for?"

John saw the doctor shake his head out of the corner of his eye. "I'm going. It's been hours though, so I'm not sure how much of whatever he had is still in his system. I'll start the tests. Come on down when you think you're ready."

"I have to talk to Lorne and since I'm up, he gets to be up, too."

"Aye. I'll see you in a bit then."

John closed his eyes as the world started to move. Rodney still loved him, wasn't going to leave because John was a toy other people used. The panic was still there, but he focused on his breathing again, and on Rodney's love. For now, it was enough.

***

Rodney was tired and angry. Not really at John—although, what he did was stupid and Rodney knew John had more brain cells than he was currently exhibiting.

It was Smythe. And Arnold. And the rest of them…whoever they were.

He still didn't know who the rest of them were. Couldn't tell.

Pounding on Lorne's door, he waited. A few seconds passed and he tried again. He was tempted to open it, but he had no intention of seeing David Parrish naked.

Just as he was beginning to change his mind, the door sighed open, revealing a rumpled Air Force Major in boxers. "M'kay? You have any idea what time it is?"

"Some time after three in the morning, yes. What does it matter? I'm awake and you get to explain to me in every minute detail why you chose not to tell me what happened this afternoon."

Lorne blinked a few times, then sighed. "I don't suppose you'd accept that I was so busy actually trying to figure out who did it that calling you slipped my mind, and let me go back to bed, would you?"

"No."

Lorne made a face. "All right. Can I at least get dressed first?"

Rodney sighed. "Fine."

Lorne moved back inside, and Rodney caught the faint sound of two people talking. Then Lorne was back, dressed in a wrinkled uniform, his hair sticking up in several directions. "Coffee?"

Scowling, Rodney nodded. "As long as you intend on explaining what's going on and why I found Sheppard in my quarters half drunk out of his mind and the other half poisoned or something."

Lorne froze. "What? Last I saw him Beckett was with him in his office. He was having a rough time dealing with it, but the Doc told me he was going to take care of him."

"If this is how Beckett takes care of someone, then the flaying I intend on giving him in a little while is more than deserved."

Lorne started moving toward the mess again, running a hand through his hair and making it stand up even more. "God damn it. I left because I knew Sheppard didn't want me to see him like that, and to try and get to the bottom of this before it happens again. If he would just tell me who the fuck is doing this..."

"Smythe. The Captain who hit on him weeks and weeks ago," Rodney said, the name hissed.

"What?" Lorne started at him. "Hitting on him? Why the fuck didn't I know about that sooner? And how did you find out? As disturbing as that is, why are you so sure it's him now?"

"I saw him on the one security camera he didn't duck. Him and Arnold."

"Fuck." Lorne sighed. "All right, that gives me a place to start. I have to admit I was about ready to pull my hair out. From what little I could get from Sheppard this afternoon, there were probably more than two people though. Any ideas on who else it might be?" The mess was deserted when they arrived, so Lorne set about starting a pot of coffee.

"No." Rodney shook his head as he stood next to Lorne. "They both have a lot of connections, a lot of friends, but nothing stands out. Apart from these…incidents, you'd never know. They know how to cover their tracks really well."

The soldier nodded. "Very well. I know it's happening, but I've found almost no traces, and nothing that links back to any specific individuals. Sheppard mentioned he thought his quarters had been bugged. I was planning to have Zelenka sweep them tomorrow and see what he can turn up. Maybe that will give us some clues. And before you ask, I know you want to, but you're too close. Zelenka can be a bit more objective about it, and once he's got some data, I'll want you to look it over and see if there's anything anyone but you or Sheppard might have missed."

"Do mine, too."

"All right. I'm trying to keep this as discreet as possible, but people are starting to talk. If you can keep an ear out to who's spreading what—that might give us some clues, too."

"Smythe has connections and a brass set of balls," Rodney said, shaking his head his anger abating a little only to be replaced by exhaustion. "He must think he's immune."

Lorne slumped against a table. "Not completely, but he's damn close. He's here because he has a lot of very highly-placed connections. If we want to pin anything on him, it has to be ironclad, with indisputable evidence. And even then... Sheppard will have to testify, in detail, about everything that was done to him. I know he won't like it, but if we want to have a chance in hell of this not turning around on us..."

"But Sheppard can't testify without outing himself."

"We'll have to be very, very careful in how we phrase things. The best way to do it will be via video. This is a bit traumatic for him, so if we tape his testimony, it might make it easier, and it will let us be a bit more careful. But I won't lie. It could end up with him discharged. This is a bad situation all around."

"No kidding. We need another plan. There has to be something else we can do."

The soldier sighed. "I don't know what to be honest. I don't really like either option—outing Sheppard or letting Smythe stay here. But if we have to choose, I'd vote for getting a solid case against Smythe. If we have strong enough evidence, any accusations he makes will look like he's doing it out of spite."

Rodney sighed, shaking his head. "And then what? And then Sheppard loses everything because of one spiteful, arrogant soldier? I don't think so."

Lorne gave him a hard look. "I hope not, and I promise I'll do everything in my admittedly limited power to prevent it. But don't go vigilante on me, all right? This is already a bad enough situation, that wouldn't improve it, and getting Sheppard out of this only to have someone level charges at you would be counter-productive. What about O'Neill? He likes Sheppard, and has a hell of a lot more connections and clout that either of us. Think he would have some ideas?"

Rodney waved his had, dismissing the thought as the coffee pot sputtered its readiness. "We need to take care of this here."

Lorne rose and got them each a cup, bringing the steaming mugs and some milk and sugar packets back to the table. "This is probably a conversation that would benefit from the entire senior staff being involved—at least Weir and Beckett. I'll need to brief Doctor Weir on what's going on, and I'll need to be briefed on what Sheppard went and downed this afternoon, and if it was planted or not."

"Let me guess, Sheppard refused to have the first incident written up."

"Depends on what you call the first incident. When I first found him in his office, I opened the official investigation, which includes a full report on what we know so far. You mentioned Smythe was hitting on him before that though, but since this is the first I'm hearing about it, it's not in any reports, no."

Rodney sighed, pouring milk and sugar into his cup and stirring with the spoon Lorne had brought, the liquid spilling over the edge. "Why didn't he get rid of them before? He had the chance."

The other man shook his head, sounding frustrated. "Damned if I know. He should have said something a hell of a lot sooner, and then none of this would have happened."

Rodney took a long sip of his coffee, cradling the metal mug between his hands. "We have to do something and Sheppard will refuse to do anything because they might, and I say might, do something to me. I'm a liability to him right now."

Lorne eyed him speculatively. "Actually... we might be able to use that to our advantage. I have a kernel of an idea, but I want to chew on it a bit more, preferably not at three in the morning. Can we call a meeting of the minds for tomorrow, say 0800? We can get everyone up to speed, and I'll have worked out some of the finer details in my head."

Rodney shook his head. "Tomorrow's too late. Something has to be done today."

Evan rolled his eyes. "That's what I meant. I plan to go back to bed for a few hours, then we can get up and get something done when everyone's fresh."

"Bed?" Rodney huffed and shook his head. "I'm not going back to bed and there's nothing wrong with the present."

The Major gave him a sad look. "Right, no bed. But shouldn't you be checking on Sheppard? By now Beckett should know something. I'll walk down with you, since I haven't had a chance to set a guard on either of you yet. This time I'm not taking no for an answer. And before you bitch at me about it, I do have a plan in mind on how you can help me catch Smythe without putting Sheppard's career in danger. But we need to go through the motions for it to work."

Rodney looked at him for a long moment, before dropping his eyes. "Fine. Yes, I should be in the infirmary staring at Sheppard as he sleeps. Very productive use of my time."

Shrugging, the other man stood. "I doubt he's sleeping. And I do want to know if he was drugged again, or just found a bottle of something you forgot you had. I'll need to know." Lorne paused, looking down at him. "If the situation were the other way around, he'd be there with you."

Rodney didn't know what to say to that last bit, his conscience pinging him a little as he ignored it. "I know what alcohol I had," Rodney scowled, rising to his feet. Lorne had something in mind and he knew he wasn't going to like it.

"So let's go find out what he was given. Sheppard mentioned his room had been bugged, but I don't like the idea that yours is too. This is starting to get a bit too well-organized for my liking." He started toward the infirmary.

"I'm going to ask Radek to go through both of them as soon as he's out of bed."

"Perfect." They quickly reached the infirmary, finding Beckett with his head in his hands at his desk. "Hey, Doc. Got any news?"

Beckett glanced up, his eyes bloodshot. "Why do you boys have to attract so much trouble?"

"It's not like we plan it," Rodney said with a scowl. "It just seems to find us. What did your voodoo tell you?"

"It was partially vodka, and partially a concoction of other things. When I got him here, he emptied out the contents of his stomach a few times. I ran some tests, and it was nothing poisonous, but it did make him sick, and contributed to why he passed out so quickly and so hard."

"He okay?"

"Aye, for now." Carson looked exhausted. "He was fighting sleep when last I checked on him, sayin' he was waiting for you. He's a bit out of it still. The combination of drugs and alcohol make him a wee bit confused at times, but he'll be fine. I'm going to keep him here today to be sure though."

Lorne nodded. "Once he's awake again, I'll need to talk to him."

"I'd say wait until later this morning. By then the rest of this should be out of his system. He'll probably be fairly groggy and sleepy today, since his body and psyche took a beating yesterday, but he should be coherent by then. I plan to have Kate in here as soon as she's up to make the daft man talk about some of this."

Rodney rolled his eyes. Kate couldn't fix this. "Can I go see him?"

"Aye, I think you should. Knowing him, he's still fighting to stay awake for you, and he needs the rest."

"Idiot," Rodney said with a sigh and a shake of his head. "If there's nothing else you need to tell me, I'm going to find him."

"Go. He needs you more than I do right now."

"What? What do you need me for?" Rodney asked, tension growing in his body. "Did something come up in my labs from the other week? Am I dying or something?"

Carson rolled his eyes. "Daft bugger. No, you're perfectly healthy. John needs you near him more than I need to tell you about his physical condition. Go."

"Of course I'm healthy," Rodney huffed, already turning on his heel to head out into the infirmary. He found John a few minutes later, his lover nearly as pale as the infirmary sheets. As he slid into the bedside chair John slowly opened his eyes.

"R'ney. Hey. Was waiting f'r you."

"You should be sleeping is what you should be doing." Rodney sighed, grabbing John's hands and threading their fingers together.

John curled closer. "Couldn't. Needed you here first."

"I was with Lorne trying to figure out what to do about this mess you've gotten yourself into."

John lifted his head, obviously struggling to stay awake. "I know you guys will figure it out. I told Beckett to let Lorne know that I wanted a guard. I don't want to have this happen again."

"I think you were getting one whether you wanted one or not," Rodney said quietly, rubbing his thumb on the back of John's hand. "You and me both."

Relief flickered across John's face. "Good. And now I think I need to sleep." He gave Rodney a crooked grin.

"Yes, you do. And try not to give Carson a hard time." Rodney leaned forward, pressing a kiss to John's forehead. "I'll be back later."

John smiled, nodding. "I'll do my best. Love you."

Squeezing John's hand one last time, Rodney rose and padded quietly to the door, glancing over his shoulder to see that John was already slumbering. With an exasperated sigh, Rodney shook his head, heading back out into the main section of the infirmary, stopping at Carson's office door.

"Sheppard's sleeping."

Carson looked up from papers he had been reading. "Finally. I was hoping he would drift off as soon as you stopped by."

"Well, he did. Anything I need to know about before I head down to the labs?"

Carson raised an eyebrow. "Lad, it's four in the morning. You should go try and get a bit more sleep."

"We both know that's not happening, so I'm going to put my early morning restless energy to work."

The doctor sighed, but nodded. "Just dinna work yourself into the ground. I'll be keeping John here today, but assuming nothing else goes wrong, I'll be releasing him in time for dinner. I'd like to see you come by and get him, then retire early with him so you can both get some rest."

"Yes yes, fine." Rodney waved his hand absently in the air. "If anything changes, call me."

Carson nodded again, gesturing to a small cot shoved into the corner of the office. "I'll be trying to catch another hour or two of rest myself before the shift starts. But I'll be close enough to step in if anything else happens. I'll keep you updated."

"Good," Rodney said with a nod, his mind already spinning ideas and thoughts. He just needed to figure out what to do to protect John from himself. It was a lot harder than it looked—even for a genius.

***

When consciousness finally reared its ugly head again, John moaned softly, remembering. God, he didn’t want to remember. 

"Morning, John," came the quiet reply, a voice he did not want to hear. "Or maybe afternoon might be more appropriate."

John tried to curl away, not ready to face this yet. He just wanted to disappear, for it all to go away. The breakdown that had come with yesterday's little... demonstration... was still too close to the surface. He wouldn't be able to hide anything like this.

"John." Kate's voice, while quiet, was not forgiving. "I'm not going away."

"Please..." His voice was a harsh whisper. He could feel the tears leaking down his face, and he hated himself. For the weakness. For what he had become. For what he had allowed them to do.

"Do you want some water? Something for your headache?"

"No." He deserved to suffer. He was a slut, a whore. Nothing more. He didn't deserve kindness or anything else. Certainly not someone as amazing as Rodney.

"Are you feeling any better?"

He shivered, not bothering to hide it. What was the point? "No." After a long pause, he added more, a part of him, apparently, not wanting to give in to the despair the rest of him was fast sinking in to. "I can still feel their hands."

"They assaulted you, did things to you against your will."

A sob managed to escape before he could stop it. "I liked it. Part of me... I was aroused, I wanted it. I'm... God, I am a s…slut."

"John," she said quietly, but firmly. "You were a victim. You did not choose to let this happen to you. Did you ask them to touch you?"

"I was aroused! They were beating me and I... I was still... And at the end, I wanted... I didn't want them to stop..." He trailed off as another sob broke through.

"It's a natural response to be aroused when touched in a sexual manner. It's your body's normal response and doesn't mean you wanted it."

"He... I was him. Jita. I couldn't... It was... and there was no pria this time. Why couldn't I stop it when there weren't any drugs?"

"I read Lorne's report. You were stunned, unable to respond to fight them off."

"When it wore off, I tried to... tried to talk big. To show them I wasn't... wasn't their... submissive. But then they started... and I... I couldn't stop it. It felt... and then they started beating me, and the pain was just as good..." John's whole body was trembling now. The scene played out in his mind, a vivid reminder of what he had become.

"You tried to fight them."

She didn't understand. John shook his head, the shaking getting worse. He could feel the hands on him, pressing closer, closer. He was starting to panic, his breathing getting harder and harder. Reality and past started to blur together in his head.

"John, breathe!" Hands were on him again, holding him steady. "You're safe. You're in the infirmary. You need to breathe."

He forced himself to focus, to listen to the voice. Opening his eyes helped. He didn't really want to face Kate, but it was better than facing his memories. "Please... I don't know what to think anymore, Kate. Help me..."

"I want to help you," she said, smiling down at him, the expression forced.

He was still shaking, but he tried to keep himself focused. He had to get better. For Atlantis. For Rodney. He swallowed hard. He hated himself right now, but he had to try. Had to let the part of him that was a top, a solider make the decisions. Somehow.

"Are you back with me? Do you need water? Something for the hangover headache?"

He wanted to deny himself anything, but he listened to the little voice that told him he was being an idiot. "Yes, please. I... please."

"I'll be right back," she said and John heard her slip from the room.

He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. When she came back, he accepted the pills, taking them and using the glass of water as a momentary distraction, when he lowered it - the water was gone—he sighed softly. "It wasn't just the pria, was it? It's me."

"What do you think?" Kate asked as she settled back down in her chair.

"I wanted it to just be the drug."

"It's easier to blame it on that, isn't it?"

He sighed. "Yes. But yesterday... there weren't any drugs. I.." He shivered again. "I don't know how to stop it. Stop myself from... liking it, at least on some level."

"Did you really like it or did your body just respond to the stimulus—like a rape victim does?"

"At first... I just tried to ignore my body. Think of other things. It worked, some. But then... I was blindfolded, and they started... started mixing pain with pleasure. I couldn't anticipate what was coming next, couldn't... keep myself separate from my body. Then I... at the end... one of them... they put something in my mouth... and I... I couldn't stop myself... I wanted... pain and pleasure was all mixed up and I didn't know anymore..."

"Your body responded when you were overwhelmed with sensation. Think of it this way—and bear in mind, I'm not saying that Rodney is a victim in any way. But if he didn't like something isn't he more apt to let you try it or do it when he's overwhelmed with sensations, when he's in sub space?"

John forced himself to think about it, finally nodding. "He... when I could get him to stop thinking, stop questioning, he'd let me... would let me try almost anything."

"Why do you think that's the case?"

"I don't know. I never thought about it. It's just... part of being a sub."

"By the time you reduce your sub down so that they're not thinking, the only thing they are doing is acting, reacting, feeling."

"I'm not a sub. But Jita was." He swallowed hard. "Will I ever be able to top again? To command? Or will I always be... susceptible to anyone who wants to use me?"

"That's entirely up to you, actually. You said you were a switch at one point, but had been moving more and more toward being a dominant exclusively. Correct?"

He nodded. "Until Jita, I hadn't subbed in a long time."

"So you're in a unique position, aren't you?"

"I think that's why... why it... scares me." He hated admitting it. "I thought I didn't want to sub, that I was a top. I tried both so I would know, but..."

"You can also try to use it to strengthen your bond with Rodney—if and when your relationship moves back that way."

He blinked. "Use it to better understand him, you mean, and the way a sub thinks and reacts, so I can take better care of him?"

She nodded. "Why not?"

"It's... something to work toward." He needed a goal. Something to get him through this. "In the meantime... what if they... try again. Kate, I..." He shuddered again. "I don't know if I can not fall, if they push hard enough."

"I know, but from what I've seen you haven't exactly allowed anyone to help you."

He gave her a tight smile. "You know why. I can't risk them hurting Rodney."

"But if they continue to hurt you aren't they hurting Rodney?"

"I'd rather see him worry about me, than physically abused." John licked his lips. "This is... hard for me. Not only because I can't stop letting my body take over, but also... I'm afraid."

"Let us help you. Let us help you keep both you and Rodney safe. We're not your enemy, John. By refusing to report the assaults and refusing guards, you are crippling any chance you have of fighting back through the system."

He was silent for a long moment. "All right. I'll report it, but no names, not right now. And I'll accept the guards this time."

"Everything is confidential. Only Lorne and Elizabeth will know—and General O'Neill once the report is submitted."

He gave her a wry look. "You don't really believe that, any more than I do. This will be all over the SGC."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Why do you think that? This is a serious incident and these men shouldn't be allowed to get anyway with it. What if they start on someone else, someone weaker than you? What would happen then?"

He sighed, lowering his head. He was having a hard time looking her in the eye, knowing she knew what had happened to him. He had a feeling it would be the same with Lorne and Carson. And even Rodney. "I don't want that. I want them caught. But... I also believe reporting it will be the end of my career. That's what they really want. Me gone, sent home in disgrace. I don't even know who his accomplices are, so even if I give up the one name I know, there are still at least three or four others here to continue his work. They won't stop until I've been destroyed, both my career and my mind, if they can manage it."

Kate was quiet for several minutes, letting the words hang between them. "John, you need to weigh the pros and cons and make up your own mind. This is bigger than you and I don't think it will be limited to you and Rodney when everything is said and done. There's something more going on here and I don't know what it is. Another agenda."

He nodded. "I agree with you, and that's what scares me. They wouldn't be going to this much trouble to break me just for the hell of it. There's something else they want, and we just don't know what yet. I... I'll make the report, about everything that's happened up to this point. Right now that's all I can promise you. It hurts to admit it, Kate, but I'm terrified. Half the time I think keeping the name to myself will do more harm than good, but the other half... I just don't know."

"I know. And this is all tied in with your own unease with your own sexual identity. That's what we can work through with more sessions, but it will take time."

Swallowing, he nodded. "They're breaking me faster than you can fix me. I honestly don't know how much more I can take." The last came out as barely a whisper.

"You're stronger than you realize, John. Don't doubt yourself."

He snorted. "All I have right now are doubts. My moods are swinging so fast, even I can't keep up. I don't know if I'm Colonel John Sheppard, commander of Atlantis, or Jita, sex toy. And I hate myself for losing the line between the two. It's so blurred at this point, I don't know if I'll ever be able to separate them again."

"You will. I have faith." Kate smiled at him, reaching out to pat his hand. "You have some time today since I know Carson is going to keep an eye on you for a while. Use it to think strategically, to think about what you want to happen, where you want to be in a week, two weeks, a month."

He nodded, pushing back the panic that had threatened to rise again. "I'll try."

"Good." She rose, offering another smile. "If you want to talk again before the end of the day, ask Carson to send for me."

"I will. And thanks. I know I'm a basket case right now." He managed a small smile. He was trying, he really was.

"No you're not. You're just off your game. They pushed you into a place that you're not comfortable in and it's making you doubt everything."

"The question is, can I find my way back before they pull me all the way down?"

"I think so." She smiled. "The real question is: do you want to?"

"Yes." He said it without hesitation.

"So…start with that."

"I'll try."

She smiled and nodded. "Good." She was gone a few seconds later, sliding out of the door and leaving John alone in his room.

He stared at the ceiling and took some deep breaths. He needed to get some balance, center himself. This wasn't just about him. It was about Rodney, about the people he cared about here on Atlantis. He needed to get himself at least nominally under control and decide what to do about the reports if he was going to be anything more than a hindrance.

Carson popped his head in a few times, offering water, a kind smile, and a hearing ear. He checked him over with a gentle touch, the kindness almost breaking him in its own way.

The last person he was expecting was Elizabeth and he knew the surprise showed on his face when she poked her head in. "Can I come in?"

He was a lot better than he had been that morning, so he nodded. "I'm not in the best shape, but I'm up for visitors again. How have you been?" He gave her a small smile.

"Busy, but you know that already. You get most of the same emails I do," she said, moving into the room, the door closing behind her.

He nodded. "And I pass half of them off to Lorne. You really should get a new assistant, someone to help take a bit of the burden off you. It really does make a difference."

"That's easier said than done," she said as she stopped next to the bed. "I do have to say that I'm concerned about the one report that crossed by desk this morning."

He winced. "Which one would that be? I've been here since last night, so I haven't had access to a computer." But he thought he knew what it was. Otherwise, she probably wouldn't be here.

"You're not doing yourself any favors by blocking Lorne. You've making his job harder by not cooperating."

Sighing, he nodded. "I know. I've been thinking about it today, and Kate said more or less the same thing this morning. I'm realizing I need to give some formal testimony if they're going to have any hope of pinning anything on anyone. Whether or not I'll give up the name, I haven't decided."

"John, you have to start thinking about what's best for you."

"I know," he sighed. "But they made it pretty clear that Rodney was the target if I talked. I can't let them hurt him, Elizabeth. Not if I can prevent it."

"You have to do what's best for you. You can't let them do this to you again."

"It's not just about me. It's about everyone I care about, the city. I won't risk everything just to keep myself safe. I can't. I'll let them break me before I allow them to hurt the ones I care for."

Elizabeth was quiet for a long moment, her eyes guarded. "We've already put a guard on Rodney. He won't be alone except when he's sleeping. If it's not military, then it will be another scientist."

"Thank you." John relaxed a bit. "That helps, knowing he's safe."

"Major Lorne is arranging for your own guard."

"Yeah, I finally agreed to stop fighting him on that. I really don't want to go through this again." He fought back a momentary panic attack. "I honestly don't know if I could survive another one."

She nodded. "I just wanted to see how you were doing. I was…concerned when I got the Major's report."

"I've got some good people looking out for me. Between Lorne and Rodney, I'm hoping they catch this guy sooner rather than later."

Elizabeth was quiet again for a long moment, her fingers playing with the edge of his blanket. "You've been through a lot in the last few months. I…you're a very valuable resource to this expedition and I seriously believe you need to…remember that."

He blinked. He got the feeling she meant more than she was saying. "I don't understand. My brain is still a little worn out today."

She smiled again, shifting back away from the bed. "Take care of yourself, John. We only have one of you."

"I'm just a soldier. You could replace me in a heartbeat. Hell, at the moment, Lorne is doing more for this city than I am." He sighed.

"No. No, we couldn't," she said, shaking her head. "You've far more valuable than the Major and don't think otherwise." He paused. "I should…go. You need to rest."

"Elizabeth... is something else on your mind?" John tilted his head and gave her a little smile. "I might not be the most perceptive person when it comes to myself at the moment, but I'm here with nowhere else to go. I'm a willing ear if you want to talk."

She shook her head. "Just…take care of yourself, John."

"All right. Thanks for stopping by." He shook his head as she left, wondering what was bothering her.

Taking another deep breath, John let himself drift again. As the day wore on, he wouldn't say he was better, or healed in any form of the word, but he wasn't quite so close to breaking apart. Maybe just making a few decisions, like the one to formally give his testimony for Lorne's report, made him feel more like he was in control, instead of reacting to the events around him. It was a small step, but he hoped it would take him in the direction he knew he needed to go.

***

Rodney ended up in his labs once he left the infirmary, happy for the quiet and solitude it offered. He needed it right now to plan, to think. He quickly made a pot of coffee and found a Danish from yesterday still on his desk that looked halfway decent.

He worked for a few hours before Zelenka stumbled in, giving him a scowl and the "stink eye" when he saw Rodney already working and the empty pot of coffee burning on the coffee maker. Instead of acknowledging the look, he just told him to head right back out again, ordering him to sweep Sheppard's and his quarters for bugs and other nefarious devices.

Zelenka muttered several curses and left, other scientists trailing in and out the rest of the morning, leaving Rodney alone after he ripped one of the new guys apart because he asked a stupid question.

He didn't have time for stupidity today. He had things to figure out. Connections to make.

Lunch was a quick bite in the mess before his meeting with Elizabeth and Lorne—which wasn't so much a meeting as it was them telling him that he wasn't allowed to pee alone. While they assured him his guard didn't have to be military all the time—a fellow scientist would do and should be enough to deter any incidents.

Or so they thought.

So Rodney was escorted back down to the labs and Zelenka—who had finished the room sweeps and found nothing—was pulled aside by Lorne, who explained the situation to him.

Lovely. The Czech was his babysitter.

By the time dinner rolled around, Rodney was more than ready to leave. Simpson actually walked with him to the infirmary—she was visiting another scientist who had managed to burn himself earlier in the day. Carson looked a little haggard, but that was probably due to his early morning and the not-so-patient patient he was forced to watch all day long.

"Oh, thank god. Take him and get him out of here before the temptation to drug him into insensibility gets overwhelming. Make sure he actually eats, and neither of you need to be up late tonight."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, mother," he said sarcastically, already heading to John's bed. "Is he dressed and ready?"

"No. I knew as soon as he was, I would'na be able to stop him. He was good this morning, but as the afternoon's worn on, he's gotten antsy."

"Oh, I wonder why? Where are his clothes?"

"I'll bring them in. Give me a moment."

Rodney nodded, ducking into John's room as Carson headed off to the closet where all their spare uniforms were kept. John was sitting up in the bed, absently picking at the edge of the blanket, his gaze fixed on the far wall. He looked bored. Really bored. "You about ready to go?"

John looked up, his face lighting up as he saw who it was. "You coming to spring me? Please tell me this is a sanctioned prison break."

Rodney nodded, stopping next to the bed. "Carson's getting your clothes. Then I plan on eating and falling into bed."

Nodding, John swung his legs around. "Sounds like a plan to me. I'm not sick, but the no laptops in the infirmary rule was still enforced. I've been staring at the wall all day."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "My heart bleeds. I've been working my fingers to the bone while you've been lounging around."

John kicked his feet a little, swinging them back and forth. "I'd offer to help, but I'm not sure I would be of any use. Elizabeth and Lorne stopped by and said they were making sure you're never alone, which makes me feel a lot better, to be honest."

"Yes, yes. I have a shadow for the foreseeable future. A great plan. If you had told me what was going on, I wouldn't have said no to a guard, you know." Rodney sighed, running a hand over his face. Carson entered quietly, giving John his clothes and a pair of boots before leaving again, letting the two of them talk. Apparently it looked like they needed to. "Look. I appreciate what Lorne's trying to do, but that's only one thing. Zelenka didn't find anything in our quarters which means they cleaned them out or they're undetectable to the equipment we have. They're far more advanced than we thought, have far more connections. If we don't do something they're just going to keep at it."

Dressing slowly, John nodded. "We need to put a stop to this. Lorne mentioned that you and he have been tossing ideas around. I'm beginning to think if I want to end this, I'm going to have to take a risk. If I know you'll never be alone and unprotected, I'm willing to go on record with some testimony."

"And out yourself in the process? I don't think so."

"No. I don't need to mention that specifically. Just that I've been assaulted against my will, and threatened. That's more than enough. Even describing the incidents in detail—I was restrained and unable to fight back. No one is going to call me on the uniform code for that."

Rodney sighed. "Can we not talk about this now? I'm tired and hungry and just want to forget about Smythe and his superiority complex and his fixation on you. Can we do that?"

John froze where he was standing, eyes going wide. He just stared at Rodney.

"What? Do I have something in my teeth or on me?"

Several emotions flickered across John's face. "You know who it is."

"Yes yes. We've been through this before."

John shook his head. "I didn't know you had gotten that far." He slumped with relief. "All right, even more reason for me to give Lorne testimony then."

Rodney looked at John for a moment before taking a breath. "Are you ready? Can we go and get dinner before I pass out from manly hunger?"

John's gaze was sharp, but he nodded. "Yeah. Let's go eat. Beckett's been feeding me hospital food all day."

Rodney watched as John finished pulling his clothes on and tying his boots into place. Carson came in and gave John a brief run-down of what he should do over the next few days—including staying away from alcohol or any unrecognizable beverages and drinking a lot of water.

They ate dinner at a table in the corner of the mess, their conversation stilted and quiet, each focused on their own thoughts and their own meal.

Part of Rodney ached. He just wanted to fold himself into John's arms and let him hold him for a little while, take care of everything as they forgot what was going on. The other part just wanted to pull away for now because their relationship was hurting John, putting him into this position.

Nearing John's quarters, the other man bumped into him, making Rodney look up from where he'd been contemplating his shoes as they walked through the hallway.

"You've been lost in thought all night. I don't have any pennies, but I'd like to hear what's going on in that brain of yours."

Rodney sighed and shrugged. "I'm sorry. Just…running everything through my head. Can't seem to turn it off."

"Bounce some of it off me? Sometimes talking it out can help, and you look tense. I don't suppose you'd accept a massage?"

"I'm not going to turn it down if you're offering."

"I'm offering." John smiled as they stepped into his room. "Get comfortable and we'll see if I can work some of those knots out. If you want to try talking while I work, I'd like to listen."

"It's nothing we haven't been through before," Rodney said, shrugging out of his uniform jacket, hanging it on the back of the desk chair. The room was still a mess from this morning, a pile of sheets and blankets and clothes at the bottom of the bed. He turned to face John. "Are you sure this is a good idea right now?"

John stepped up to him, wrapping his arms around Rodney. "I've had all day to think about it. And yeah, I do. I'm not letting a power-hungry Captain dictate my life, our life. I'll do whatever Lorne needs to finish the investigation, and whatever you need to feel whole again."

Rodney sighed before asking the question that had been gnawing at him all day. "Why didn't you come find me yesterday?"

John sighed. "When Lorne found me, it was the middle of the day, and I was... pretty messed up. You had said that morning that you had a big project you were working on, and usually when you say that, it means it's something pretty necessary for the city. I wasn't hurt, just shaken, so I figured I would let you finish work, take the edge off my nerves, then see you that night. I wasn't anticipating being drugged again."

"But you went to my quarters and found my vodka and purposely got yourself drunk. How am I supposed to feel, John? Instead of coming to talk to me, you went to find your comfort in a bottle."

John's hands had started to rub Rodney's lower back where they were resting. "I haven't been thinking very straight, have I? I wish I had a good reason for you. Well, a better one than the truth, which was that I didn't want to interrupt your work, to worry you again. I spent the day thinking, though, and had pretty much decided it was time for me to get my head out of my ass and stop just reacting."

"I just thought we were in this together and at the first sign of trouble you don't even bother coming to talk to me about it, worried that you're going to upset me. Well, guess what, John. I'm upset either way, probably more upset now than I would have been if you'd just been open about it in the first place."

"I know." John backed them both up so Rodney's knees bumped the back of the bed, pushing him down then sitting next to him. "I was so worried about you, and in making sure you were safe and had the room you needed to recover I went too far. I really wasn't trying to hide anything, and while I did want to dull things, I didn't plan to pass out like that. What little plan I did have was more along the lines of getting myself through a few hours until you came looking for me, then telling you what had happened then."

"Have I mentioned that was a bad plan?"

"Yeah, you might have. And I agree with you. It was a very bad plan."

Rodney sighed. He hated this, these arguments, discussions, whatever you wanted to call them. But, these were things that had to be said. "John, there is one thing that I have to make sure we settle here and now."

John didn't look happy, but he nodded. "Okay. What?"

"If anything like this ever happens again, or you have any kind of issues or worries or anything that sends you looking for a bottle to dull the pain, please come and see me first. We're in this together and we'll handle it together."

His lover nodded immediately. "Absolutely. I can't promise I won't be a wreck, but you're right." He sighed softly. "I'm not being a very good partner or top, am I? The last few months have been pretty fucked up."

"Neither of us are doing very well and while I appreciate your attempt to shield me from things, I'm a grown-up. I can take care of myself if I need to and I can help you. You shouldn't have to do this alone."

John reached up to cup Rodney's face. "I appreciate it. And I will do better. I'm tired of being someone's victim. It's time to take care of this so we can get back to focusing on making you better again."

"Now you know how I feel," Rodney said softly, leaning forward slightly.

"Yes." John's words whispered across Rodney's skin. "I want to kiss you."

"Good. Because I want you to."

Lips brushed across his a few times before John's tongue flicked out to trace the seam of Rodney's mouth.

Rodney's hand reached up and grabbed the back of John's neck as he pressed in, groaning a little as he opened his mouth to let John in.

John answered him with a groan of his own, and swept inside. He lowered Rodney backward onto the bed, following him down so their bodies were pressed together, all the while kissing them both breathless.

God. He missed this. He didn't want to lose this.

A hand snaked its way under Rodney's uniform shirt, working its way to a nipple. Instead of pinching hard, John rubbed the little nub, rolling it gently as he gentled the kiss.

As John finally backed off, he propped himself up on his elbow looking down at Rodney, a soft smile on his face, his other hand continuing to stroke and caress Rodney's chest and nipple.

"You're distracting me from giving you a massage again."

"You're the one who started with the kissing thing."

"You were being irresistible and kissable." The corner of his mouth quirked up, and he dove in for a fast lick at the corner of Rodney's mouth. "But before I get too distracted, get comfortable, and I can try and work some of this tension out. You said you were tired before, so hopefully that will help you sleep."

"Why?" The corner of Rodney's mouth that John had licked quirked up in a half smile.

Chuckling, Sheppard pushed himself up, pulling his hand free. "Sexy and tempting. You sure you don't have Siren in your heritage somewhere?" He scooted to the edge of the bed, pushing off his shoes and starting to strip out of his uniform.

Rodney rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand as he watched John undress.

When he was down to his boxers, John paused, glancing over. "Want me to leave these on, since to really give you a good massage, I need to straddle you again."

"Take them off?"

John rose and skimmed out of them, looking a little flushed as Rodney's eyes swept him. Surprisingly, he wasn't hard. "You're falling behind. You're supposed to be getting comfortable too."

"Why?"

One eyebrow went up. "Massages are usually better where there aren't layers of clothing in the way."

"Probably. Then you might have to do something about that." The corner of Rodney's mouth twitched.

Grinning, John climbed back onto the bed and crawled until Rodney had to lie flat again, Sheppard on hands and knees above him. "Hmmm, the possibilities. Maybe I could strip you slowly and lick every inch of skin as I expose it. Or I could do it fast, get you naked and get my hands on you."

Rodney shrugged, looking up at John. He took a breath and let it out slowly, giving up a little of his control to John, letting him make the decision. With everything so out of control, maybe this would help him a bit.

John's eyes widened slightly as he caught on, before dipping his head for another kiss, this one a bit hotter. "Naked. I want you naked now."

"Then I guess you have to do something about that, don't you?"

With a soft growl, John sat up, pushing his hands under Rodney's shirt again. He tugged Rodney up until he could slip it off, then pushed him back down again and went to work on Rodney's pants.

Rodney chuckled. "Someone's a little impatient."

John huffed, his tongue peeking out from between his lips as he concentrated on the belt and buttons of Rodney's pants. It turned into a happy noise when he got them loose and started to tug them off.

Of course, then there were the boots which his pants ended up getting stuck on. Rodney found John's frustration amusing, but didn't move, letting the other man do what he wanted, how he wanted. Right now, Rodney was good.

When John had finally successfully navigated the obstacles and removed all clothing, he stretched back up, blanketing Rodney's body with his own, propped up on his elbows so he could look down. "Hi, there."

"Hi. Better?"

"Actually, yeah. Much. You're comfy."

Rodney chuckled. "Good. Glad you think so."

"So, I think we're both tired—you more so than me, since I spent the day being bored, and you actually worked. What are you up for?"

"Hmm. I don't know. We can play it by ear and see what happens."

"'Kay." John moved a bit so they were slotted together, thrusting his hips lazily a few times. He still wasn't completely hard, although Rodney could feel that he was more aroused than he had been a few minutes ago.

Rodney tilted his head, as he looked up at John. "I'll tell you if something gets to be too much," he said quietly. "But I expect to get a massage at some point."

Chuckling, John sat up a bit. "Turn over then. Lemme do that first. Putting my hands all over you is the fastest way to relax me, and no matter what we do after, it will get you a bit looser, too."

"Hmm, probably. And you wanted me to do what?" He was trying to lighten the mood a bit, purposely being playful, just to see what John would do. His lover was horribly tense—even though he'd sat around all day doing nothing. This might help. Or at least Rodney hoped it would.

Lips twitching, John gave Rodney's thigh a light smack. "Turn over so I can have my wicked way with you."

Rodney returned the half-smile with a smirk. "Make me."

He saw the surprise flicker in John's eyes again, but then he was grinning. "Ah, a challenge. I'm always up for a challenge."

"Are you now?"

John shifted his weight, which was the only warning Rodney got before he pounced, grabbing Rodney's ankles and flipping him, then sitting on his thighs to prevent him from turning back over. "Totally."

"Hey!" he complained, squirming under John's weight. "That's unfair."

Chuckling again, John rubbed the palm of his hands down Rodney's back. "I wouldn't call it unfair so much as making use of any advantage I can get. And you did dare me."

"I wasn't prepared. You didn't even give me the chance to fight back," Rodney said, but groaned as John's hands hit a sore spot. "Oh god, right there."

"If I get up to get the oil, will you stay like this?"

"Maybe."

"Guess I'll just have to do without then." He could hear the smile in John's voice as he went to work finding and working out all the knots in Rodney's back.

"But oil is better."

He felt John shift, and lips were suddenly pressed to the back of his neck, half kiss and half laugh. "True. I'll be right back. Don't move."

Rodney turned his head to watch John pad into the bathroom, retrieving the oil and a towel, his face showing surprise when he saw that Rodney hadn't moved. "What? I can follow direction when it suits me."

"Mmmm, I know you can. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to. Here, sit up enough to let me get this under you." He slid the towel into place, then straddled Rodney's thighs again. This time, the glide of his hands was all movement and pleasure.

"Oh yes, god. Keep doing that."

"Wasn't planning on stopping any time soon. Just lie back and let your friendly neighborhood pilot/lover/top/masseuse take care of you."

"Mmm," Rodney said, letting his eyes slide closed. "Okay."

John really went to work then, homing in on the worst of the trouble spots and reducing Rodney to a boneless state.

With each and every pass of John's hands, Rodney's body and mind slowed down and relaxed, but part of him remembered. Remembered where this led, remember feeling good, so good. He moaned, squirming a little under John's weight.

"Hey, you okay?" John's hands stilled.

Rodney nodded, unable to even put a few words together.

"Tell me if I go too far." And with that John scooted back a bit, his slick hands gliding over Rodney's ass cheeks.

Rodney moaned again, pressing back into John's hands as they worked the muscles, massaging and kneading.

"You're so beautiful..." One slick finger traced down the crack, brushing against his entrance, but then moving away.

John moved slowly, his hands sure, familiar. Rodney knew he moaned, squirmed under him, his body reacting finally—finally!—to John's touches.

"Rodney..." It was whispered almost reverently as John continued to caress and stroke. His finger dragged over Rodney's entrance over and over again, the time between each touch getting shorter.

He whimpered as John's finger touched him, stilling right at his entrance.

"I need you to talk to me, let me know this is okay." John sounded strained, his oil-slick finger right there, ready to push inside.

Rodney heart was pounding, but he wanted this. He wanted to feel John touching him inside. "Please."

With a soft moan, John pushed just the tip in and then pulled it out again, just enough to get Rodney used to the sensation again.

Rodney groaned and shifted, lifting his hips slightly as if to follow John's finger. More. He wanted more.

Taking the silent demand for what it was, on the next stroke, John pushed in a little further, to the first knuckle, before pulling out again.

Rodney whined when the finger pulled out, and he finally shifted so he could look at John. He reached out, grabbing his lover's hand. "Please, John.

John had gotten fully hard, and his eyes were dark with lust. "I don't want to push you."

"I know, but right now you're killing me."

Leaning down for an awkward kiss, John finally nodded. "All right. Just don't let me keep going if you're starting to feel uncomfortable. Stop me so we can end this on a pleasurable note."

"I want you to touch me, John."

Gently, John pushed him back down, and this time the finger slipped all the way inside. John set up a slow pace, fucking Rodney with it, coating him inside with oil.

And Rodney squirmed and moaned as for the first time in weeks and months his lover touched him inside. His body trembled. He wanted this. He'd asked for this. It wasn't something anyone was forcing on him. It was his choice. His decision.

And he wanted it. From John.

The finger was almost completely withdrawn, and then the pressure of a second being added, filling him. John pushed them deep, then found Rodney's prostate and started to rub it.

Rodney shuddered hard, his cock hard and achingly painfully beneath him. He shifted, moving his hand toward it, but was stopped by John's voice.

"That's mine. No touching." John pulled his fingers free and got Rodney to roll over, putting his feet flat on the bed with a pillow under his hips. The fingers were pushed back inside him, finding the spot that set off sparks behind Rodney's eyes, while his other hand wrapped around Rodney's dick, stroking slowly.

"Oh god…" Rodney moaned, bucking up into John's hand before pressing down onto his fingers, fucking and being fucked at the same time. "Please, John."

"I'll get you there. Just let me make you feel good for a little while."

"Feel good. Not sure…not sure how long I can hold on," Rodney whispered, his body shuddering again as John brushed against the little nub inside of him.

Nodding his understanding, John pressed against the sweet spot hard, not letting up the pressure, as he tightened his grip on Rodney's cock and started to move his hand faster.

Rodney groaned again, arching up, his hand catching John's wrist. "Inside me. Please. Want you inside."

John's breath hitched, but he nodded, pulling his fingers free. "How do you want to do it? From behind, on your back, or riding me?"

"I want to see you."

"Ride me then." John sat back, tugging Rodney with him, and grabbing the actual lube on the way. "That way you have some control, and we can kiss at the same time."

Rodney leaned all the way forward, wrapping himself around John, kissing him wet and dirty. God. He wanted this.

He felt John's hand moving between them, then, without breaking the kiss, he guided Rodney up and then down again, the blunt tip of him pressing against Rodney's entrance.

Pulling back a little, Rodney bit at John's lip as he let himself slide down, feeling John stretching him, filling him, to an almost painful degree. They shared a loud moan as Rodney let John's lip go, pressing his forehead to John's as he took a few deep breaths, trying to relax his muscles to let John's cock in deeper. He tasted a little blood where he'd broken skin, the coppery taste filling his mouth a little.

John made a few aborted thrusts up, his fingers curling around Rodney's hips as they both panted. "God, I had almost forgotten how good this is..."

"So good," Rodney whispered his body finally letting John in. He shifted, tugging John down with him, blanketing him.

Following, John settled more firmly inside him, brushing against his prostate again.

As his breathing finally leveled off again, Rodney finally opened his eyes again, gazing up into John's. He saw the small spot on his lover's lip where he'd bitten down a little too hard, his finger grazing carefully over it. "Sorry."

There was no hazel left in John's eyes. He flicked his tongue over the spot. "It's good. I like it."

Rodney leaned up, catching John's mouth in a quick dirty kiss before backing off again. "I've missed this so much."

"Me, too." John's hands swept his body, caressing everything he could reach. "But it was worth waiting for. I'd rather go a year without and have you comfortable than have tried to force it and driven you away."

"Make me fly, John?"

With a little purr-growl, John adjusted Rodney—now on his back, legs raised almost to his chest—and began to thrust. He found Rodney's prostate again easily and started to tag it on every stroke, dragging over it as he moved in and out.

And Rodney watched John, watched the emotions play across his lover's face, watched his muscles as he moved, watched the sweat glistening on his skin.

This was John. This was them. God. So good.

A hand snaked between them again to curl around him, stroking him in time to John's thrusts. "Come when you can. Want to feel you again, all around me, pulling me over the edge with you."

After John's hand touched him again, stroking him perfectly, it didn't take long. A few more strokes and Rodney was coming, clenching down on John's cock in his ass, his body shuddering and trembling, John's name on his lips.

John moaned deep, and then heat washed through him as his lover followed him over the edge, filling him.

Rodney managed to wrap his legs around John, holding him close as the other man slumped forward, rolling to the side. He didn't want to lose that connection yet. Breathing heavily, entwined and connected together once again, Rodney smiled, his hand brushing against John's face.

After a while, John lifted his head slightly, a sappy grin on his face. "Hi."

"Kiss me?"

Not needing to be asked twice, John licked his way inside, deepening the connection.

Rodney's hands slid around to John's back, tugging him even closer as they kissed, desperately.

Between kisses, when they broke long enough to gasp for air, John repeated, over and over, how much he loved Rodney, how perfect Rodney was.

Rodney just reveled in the feelings, the emotions, flooding his body. This is what it was supposed to be like. Just this perfect.

Gradually, the kisses trailed off, although John was still partially buried inside him, their bodies pressed together. "Mmmm, don't know about you, but I feel really good right now. Relaxed."

They'd left the lights on when they'd gotten back, so when Rodney finally opened his eyes again, he had to squint at the brightness before he gave a quick thought and lowered the lighting. "Mmm. You could say that."

"Sleep?"

"Do we have to?"

"Thought you were tired?"

"Mmmm…exhausted."

John's hands skimmed his body. "Shower, I'll clean you up, then we go to bed?"

"Means we have to get up."

"True. We could be brave and just fall asleep like this, shower in the morning."

"Mmm," Rodney said, letting his eyes close as he settled in closer to John.

He could feel John's amusement all through his body as strong arms held him tight. "Night. Love you."

"Love you," Rodney whispered, falling asleep a few seconds later, John's cock still buried in his ass.

***

John sat at his desk, mind drifting back to the night before, and this morning.

Mmmmm. Rodney.

Rodney and sex and kissing and loving and…

John smiled to himself. It had been good for both of them, renewed a connection they had both been sorely missing these last weeks. Rodney wasn't up to any kind of heavy play yet, but wow. John had missed how absolutely beautiful his lover was like that, wanton and sexy and giving himself up to the pleasure.

And… it had given him a bit of confidence as well, if he was honest with himself. It had grounded him a bit, and made some of his own doubts go silent. They were both healing, would both heal. They just had to keep working at it, no matter how hard it was. 

Licking his lips, John was glad the guard Lorne had put on him was outside the office. He didn't need to see his commander going all dreamy eyed and getting half-hard from memories.

With a sigh, John returned to his computer, going through the emails that had come in during the last data burst. He had a few left to respond to, all personal. The first was from Chris, the young boy he and Rodney had met at the Grand Canyon. After some back and forth with his parents—and John assumed and hoped his parents were still screening the emails, it was only right—they had become pen pals. Chris was a good kid, and it was always nice to hear from home, remember what they were all out here fighting for.

Once that was put onto the server that would send out with the next burst, John turned to an email chain he had going with Peter, Harry, Sue and Roger. His friends—family—had all stayed more or less in touch with him since the Vegas trip, but because of his injuries and issues, he hadn't had time to respond to them lately.

Hi guys!

Sorry it's been a while. We had a rough mission a few months back. We all made it back alive and well, eventually, but we're still dealing with the fall-out. Wish I could tell you more, but, you know, classified. If I tried, this email would never make it through the security checks. Suffice it to say that I’m recovering now, and Rodney, who was by far the worst off, is getting there.

Anyway, Rodney says hi, and my other two teammates, Teyla and Ronon, want to meet you guys some day. Maybe next time I can arrange for all four of us to get leave at the same time, and meet you guys somewhere. Vegas was my choice last time, so I think it's Rodney's turn next.

I finally managed to get a picture of all of us that doesn't have anything classified in it (a forest is a forest after all) so you can finally see us all decked out. It was taken not long before the mission that went wrong. Don't let Teyla's size or Ronon's dreads fool you—they can both kick my ass with a hand tied behind their back.

So, talk to you soon. Take care of yourselves!

-John

Getting that queued up to the outbound server as well, John stood up, stretching. He had been working for a while, so maybe it was time to grab something to eat, then wander down and check on his team, see what they were all up to.

A knock at his door made Sheppard glance up as soon as it slid open, his guard poking his head in. "Sir. Captain Smythe wishes to speak to you about an upcoming mission."

John froze in mid stretch. "I was just on my way out. Tell him he'll need to make an appointment for later."

"I'll have Lorne schedule him for this afternoon, sir. There was room in your calendar," the sergeant said, pausing a moment. "Give me five minutes, sir?"

Nodding, John let out a sigh of relief. Lorne knew Smythe was the ring leader, so when he saw that appointment, it would send up red flags. John would let Rodney know as well, when he swung through the labs. "Take your time. I'm not in a huge rush, but I do want to walk the base and check in on a few things."

"Yes, sir. Let me get this appointment scheduled and we can head out." The door slid shut again leaving John alone. Being guarded and handled sucked.

John turned back to his computer, skimming the duty rosters to see where else he should swing by when he heard the door swish open again, although his eyes didn't leave the screen. "We ready to go, Sergeant?"

"Yes, sir," the young man said. "Scheduled for 1400. We have a few hours."

"Perfect." John saved what he had been doing, then locked his system down and rose to follow the other man out the door. Smythe was nowhere to be seen, fortunately. "All right, I'd like to swing by the control room, the gym, the science labs, and catch the patrol in sector five."

Henderson gestured him forward. "Lead the way, sir."

John meandered; stopped to talk with his men, get the pulse of the base. It was something he tried to do often, making a point of hitting different areas, different sectors so in the course of a month he would get everywhere, more or less. He was happy to note that while he knew there were a lot of rumors, no one seemed uneasy with him, or unhappy.

That was a good thing.

He ended up grabbing a quick lunch, watching McKay and Zelenka heading out just as he was headed in, in the middle of some argument or other. John couldn't tell. It was either a disagreement about an experiment or they were arguing about the latest curling scores. Either way, they weren't paying attention to anything except the words—and hands—flying around.

Shaking his head, John figured he would catch Rodney later, planning to make the labs his last stop before the "appointment" anyway. After lunch, John figured he should check in with Lorne. "Sergeant, any idea where my XO is hiding today?"

"Hiding, sir? The last time I looked at his schedule he was supposed to be in the labs. A meeting with Doctor McKay."

"Perfect. I need to talk to both of them, so that will save me some time." John reversed his direction to head for the labs.

Henderson just followed along behind, keeping pace with John as he strode through Atlantis, finally catching up with Lorne as he was leaving the labs. What was it about his timing today?

"Major! I actually need to talk to you, and McKay."

"Good luck on the latter part, sir," Lorne said with a chuckle. "Him and Zelenka are at it. But what can I help you with? This about the meeting with Smythe? Henderson behaving himself?"

Some days John loved the efficiency of the military. Now if he could only confirm that Lorne knew Smythe was one of the bad guys, and wasn't planning on leaving John hanging again... "Yup. Smythe needs to go over some mission details, and since I've been foisting those off on you, and I'm fairly sure his next one is a science run, I figured it would be easier to get a quick briefing from both you and McKay before I sit down with him."

"I can walk you through those if you want. I doubt you'll be able to get a straight answer out of McKay. Henderson, you're dismissed. I'll stick with the Colonel the rest of the afternoon."

The other soldier looked at John, who nodded, then headed off with a quick salute. Deciding to stick with the excuse he had given for now—he didn't really know how they were bugging his room, or if it had gone further than that—John wandered toward the lab door. "I don't need much from him. Just let me pop my head in, and then we can go back to my office."

"It's your neck, sir," Lorne said with a chuckle.

John sauntered in, watching Rodney and Radek wave their hands at each other. It was great to see his lover sticking up for himself like this again. John had to remind his dick that this wasn't a good place to stand up and be noticed. Waiting for a natural lull, John called out. "Hey, Rodney. Mind if I snag a minute of your time?"

Rodney turned on John, his eyes narrowed in anger and confusion. He sputtered for a moment before getting the words out. "What? Are you insane? Do you even have ears and eyes that are in a working condition? Can't you tell that McStupid over here and I were discussing an upcoming project?"

John raised an eyebrow. "Discussing huh? I won't keep you then. I'll catch you later—I have an appointment with Captain Smythe at 1400, but after that I was thinking team night? If you're not too busy that is."

"Fine fine," Rodney said, his volume a quarter of what it was a few seconds ago. He didn't even flinch at Smythe's name. Huh.

John winked at Radek, waved, and sauntered out. At least now he knew his lover was informed—and knew that John was holding up his end of things, doing his best to keep Rodney as in the loop as he could. "All right, Major, I have a meeting to get to." And damn if his stomach didn't clench up thinking about it.

"He won't do anything with me standing outside, sir."

John glanced over at Lorne, giving him a wry look. "Let's hope not."

"He has fifteen minutes, sir. Any longer and I come in."

Fifteen minutes. God... All right, John knew he could do this. He wasn't a fucking weeping girl for Christ sakes. "Sounds like a plan, Evan." They got to his office, and John sat hard in his chair. He would do his best not to show it, but he was scared out of his mind. Intentionally locking himself into a room for fifteen minutes with a man he knew wanted to humiliate and hurt him took a lot out of him.

One minute until 1400, there was a knock on the door and Lorne poked his head in a beat later. "Captain Smythe to see you, sir."

Taking a deep breath, John plastered on his laziest and most insolent smile, the one that had been irritating commanding officers since basic training. "I'm ready for him, Major."

A brisk nod from Lorne and then Smythe was walking in, saluting before standing at ease in front of Sheppard's desk.

John watched the door shut, then focused all of his attention on Smythe. While he knew the man wouldn't do anything major or obvious in fifteen minutes, he didn't expect him to do nothing either. "Well, Captain? What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to discuss the upcoming mission for my team, sir."

"You have your orders, Captain."

"I understand that, sir. But I was hoping you'd okay a mission change for us and Kipper's team next week."

John leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. God he wished he could just beat this little shit into the ground. "No can do. Sorry. Standard protocol states that unless there's an emergency, the mission roster stays the same. Can't show favoritism, you understand."

"I understand, sir, but I was hoping you'd overlook it in this instance. It would be better for all involved." Smythe's voice was even, calm, but John could sense the underlying threat.

Narrowing his eyes, John shook his head. "No."

The muscles in Smythe's jaw tightened. "Very well, sir."

It was tough to keep himself even, not to show how tight his stomach was clenched. "Was that all?"

"Apparently, sir."

Rising, John started around his desk for the door. "Dismissed then."

Smythe held John's gaze for a long moment—hard and cold—before nodding, heading out of the office.

John took a deep breath as soon as the other man was gone. He moved the few steps back to his chair, sinking back into it. "Fuck."

Another knock a few minutes later revealed Lorne. "You okay, sir? What did he want?"

John waved him in. "He wanted me to change a few mission schedules. When I refused, he gave me a look I didn't like. Have someone keep an eye on Rodney, and as much as I hate to say it, probably me as well."

"What mission and what teams? I'll look into the schedule and try to see why he wanted to get them changed. There has to be a larger reason than giving you grief, sir."

"Probably." John gave him the information—what little of it there was—and took another deep breath. He tapped his radio on, needing the reassurance of Rodney's voice, even for just a few seconds. "Sheppard to McKay."

"Why am I surprised that I get no work done anymore? What?"

"Just wanted to let you know my meeting was over, and it ended.... interestingly. Keep an eye out, okay?"

"What? Oh that. Yes, fine. I'm working in the middle of idiots. See you at dinner."

Rolling his eyes, John signed off. And realized he had no idea what to do with himself.

But then again, sometimes he never knew what do to with himself.

With a sigh, he glanced at his second. "Well, this is as good a time as any I suppose. The cat's out of the bag, so I'll answer any questions you've got."

Lorne looked at him for a moment before nodding. "You sure?"

Slouching in his seat, John gave the other man a wry look. "Not really. But I'm tired of playing someone else's game."

"How about we try to make up some new rules then?"

With a grin, John nodded and they got to work.

***

Rodney had gotten a ton of information from the last data connection to the SGC, his electronic requests and searches spinning through the computers and pulling back pages and pages of documentation.

Most of it didn't say a lot, however.

He'd only known of Smythe and Arnold and Rodney had based his searches around them, trying to pull up any connections that might make some kind of sense.

They both seemingly had quiet careers, moving up the ranks at a normal pace. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing throwing up a red flag. Hell, Sheppard probably had more red flags than either of these two yahoos combined.

But there had to be something. He just hadn't found it yet.

With a quiet sigh, he saved everything to the remote password protected drive and closed out the connection. He and Radek had work to do on the outskirts of the city, something they'd been putting off. It wasn't hard or supercritical, but it needed to be done. It was just on the other end of the city from everything.

Glancing up, he spotted Radek, head down and intent on his computer, his fingers pecking at the keyboard. "You about ready?"

Radek waved his hand, muttering something in Czech and not bothering to look up.

"Is that supposed to mean something? Did you forget to turn on your Universal Translator this morning?"

Radek made a dismissive noise, still not looking up. "I am in the middle of something, and if you do not stop speaking, I will never finish and we will never leave."

"Maybe you should have thought about finishing it before we were scheduled to leave."

More mutters, and this time the tone left to doubts as to what the other man was saying.

"You should be nice to me. I'm the one who gives you a raise, you know," Rodney muttered, turning back to his own computer. He wasn't expecting the lab doors to slide open to reveal one very annoying Marine.

"Are you ready to go, sirs? Major Lorne assigned me as your escort for the day."

"Cadman? Why the hell do we need an escort?"

She shrugged. "You'll have to ask him. He just said you guys were going out to do some remote fixes, and he wanted one of us there."

Radek looked up again and rolled his eyes. "Fine fine. Let us go fix problem minions cannot handle so we can return to more important matters." The Czech saved his work and snapped the laptop shut.

Rodney sighed, glancing between the two of them. He didn't want to do this stupid repair and he hated this whole buddy-system thing Sheppard and Lorne were insisting on. And now adding a Marine…

"Fine." Rodney picked up the pack holding all of his tools and grabbed his tablet. "I'll send Cadman to get us lunch later."

His friend and fellow scientist grinned, winking at Cadman. Whatever funk the research he had been working on had put him in seemed to have evaporated as soon as he walked away from it. "Fetch and carry, this is what Marines are good for, no?"

"That and following orders. Usually," Rodney said, falling into step beside Radek, risking a quick glance at Cadman.

She wiggled her eyebrows at him, and they all bantered good-naturedly down to the section that needed to be repaired. She made herself comfortable leaning against a wall, and Rodney heard her check in briefly with someone. "All right, boys, unless you need me, I'll just stand over here and try to stay out of your way."

"You can always go and get us coffee," Rodney suggested as he headed to the panel he needed to start with.

"That would require leaving you alone, and my orders are pretty clear on that point. I probably have a packet of instant in my vest. You could eat it dry if you're desperate."

Rodney huffed, rolling his eyes as he got to work. He and Radek fell into a familiar routine, moving between the series of connected rooms where the power fluctuations had been giving them some issues.

They worked like that for a few hours, stopping around 1500 to grab a quick snack of water and PowerBars—Rodney had packed several bars and even shared with Cadman when she looked longingly at his.

They got back to work soon after, Rodney moving further into the area while Zelenka stayed by the main console, checking Rodney's fixes as he worked.

Leaning down to get at one of the recessed crystals, Rodney heard something thump out in the front room and he rolled his eyes. Cadman probably dropped her pack again. The first time it had nearly scared him to death. The second time, he'd jumped. Now it was getting somewhat normal sounding.

He tapped his radio once he pulled himself out. "Try the circuit now, Radek, and tell Cadman to keep the noise level down. We're trying to work here."

He got no response. Just dead air.

Tapping his radio again, he tried to get Radek and Cadman to answer. Nothing.

Oh god.

Rodney moved toward the door to look, changing his radio channel and praying it would reach the control tower. Things tended to get spotty this far out.

"McKay to Control. We might have a problem out here."

"Sir? What kind of problem? I'm not reading any power fluctuations." The Canadian tech whose name he could never remember was quick to respond.

"Get Lorne and Sheppard down here ASAP," Rodney whispered, peering into the next room, one room away from where Radek was. It was far too quiet.

He really wasn't expecting the stun that sent him to the ground with a yelp, the technician's voice yelling in his ear.

At this point, he was far too busy panicking.

A hand pulled the radio out of his ear, tossing it across the room. Then a face swam into view. "Hello, Doctor McKay."

Smythe. Oh god. This was bad.

He wanted to move, to yell—something—but he couldn't, forced to stay where he'd fallen in a heap.

Smythe's eyes were cold. Rodney was quickly pulled to the side of the room, limbs secured tightly. "The stun should begin wearing off in a few minutes. We can wait."

The plastic ties bit into his wrists but Rodney couldn't even squirm to try and get into a more comfortable position. But as he watched Smythe pace, Rodney's mind was spinning in tighter and tighter circles. It took a few minutes before Rodney would wiggle his pinky finger, the stun finally beginning to wear off.

Smythe had been watching him closely. "You should be getting some feeling back now. You can thank your fuck toy later for putting you in this position. All he had to do was obey, and you would have been left alone. But it seems he needs a more…forceful…demonstration."

"What…what do you want? And what did you do to Cadman and Zelenka?" His mouth was still a little numb, but he could get the words out.

"They've been stunned with something a little stronger than what I hit you with. But you should be more worried about yourself, Doctor McKay." He pulled out a needle with an opaque liquid inside.

Oh god. "Come on, Smythe. Be smart. Don't do this."

The soldier's eyes gleamed. "The pretty boy seemed to like this quite a bit. This is the concentrated form. Aren't you excited, Doctor McKay. You get to know what Sheppard's drug addiction feels like."

Rodney tried to scoot away, but he couldn't move, his body still not fully recovered. "Don't do this. Please, no. Don't do this, Smythe."

"Lessons need to be learned. Perhaps you and he will both understand that when I give orders, I expect them to be followed." The needle was pushed into Rodney's arm, quickly emptying.

Rodney groaned, feeling the drug burning as it entered his system, his head thumping back against the wall. "Please, no."

"Will you beg for me, too?" The voice was whispered into Rodney's ear. "He was desperate for my touch, desperate to be fucked and raped by my men."

His skin was starting to itch, from the roots of his hair to the bottom of his feet, his world slowly spinning sideways. The Smythe's breath against his ear made him tremble, his entire body on edge.

"Can you feel it burning through you? I've never tried it, but from Sheppard's reactions, it makes every nerve on your body scream out for touch and pleasure."

Rodney groaned, nodding slightly as he closed his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the sensations his body was starting to flood through him. He shifted and the press and rub of his clothing against his skin set him moaning and trembling. "Oh god."

Smythe chuckled hotly in Rodney's ear. He cupped Rodney through his pants and then stood back, eyes narrowed, watching.

Rodney's world was slowly reduced to what he could feel and the sensations of pure pleasure from each and every touch of fabric or rub against his body. He squirmed and each successive movement just ramped him up further, his body demanding more, wanting more.

Smythe was circling him, caressing him every now and then, and then moving out of range, denying him more contact.

Panting heavily and his cock painfully hard, the first words finally dripped from his mouth, begging Smythe for more, pleading with him.

"Ahh, so sweet. You're both sluts, begging for me, wanting me." Now the man stayed completely out of reach, his voice cruel.

"Oh god, please. Please. Need you to touch me, oh god please, please," he begged, whimpering when the press of fabric against skin was no longer enough. He needed more.

Smythe just continued to taunt him, until Rodney was sobbing, fighting his bonds, desperate with need.

"If you don't step the fuck away from him now, I will happily shoot you." Another voice broke in, this one familiar.

"Oh, why, Colonel?" Smythe said, pressing a hand to Rodney's cheek. And Rodney couldn't help but moan and lean into the touch, wishing it was more, begging for more. "I'm not sure your pet scientist wants me to leave."

"Lorne, arrest him and get him out of my sight." John. That was John. And he was moving towards Rodney, beautiful hazel eyes flashing.

"John?" Rodney tried to concentrate, but it was hard. "Touch me? Please, can you…please?"

Smythe was yanked away, and things were being said that Rodney missed. Suddenly, John was there, kneeling next to him, hands running all over Rodney's body as the zipties holding him were undone. "I'm here. It's okay. I'm guessing he gave you pria, right?"

Instead of replying, Rodney just tried to get closer, burying his face in John's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him. Every touch made him tremble, made him want more, beg for more.

"Shhh. I'm here, I'll take care of you." John whispered it, hands never stopping. He raised his voice slightly. "Lorne, alert Beckett, and tell him I'll stay here with Rodney until the effects start to wear off. Set a guard, no one gets in here without my say-so, and that won't be until the drug has started to wear off."

"Yes, sir." The reply was quiet, tense. "Cadman and Zelenka are starting to come around. Want the door closed?"

"Yes. Thanks." And then all of John's attention was back on Rodney. "I'm going to take care of you. Just relax and trust me."

Rodney was sobbing and begging, words lost in the fabric of John's jacket and vest.

Slowly, John lowered him back, keeping their bodies in contact with each other. He pushed Rodney's shirt up, pulling it off and tossing it aside before lowering his head to lick at a nipple.

Rodney shuddered hard, pleasure and desire ripping through him. A second later he was squirming, trying to get out of the rest of his clothes. He needed them off so he could feel more. He knew he was babbling, pleading, begging, but he didn't care. If someone didn't touch him, fuck him, he was going to go out of his mind.

***

John remembered. God, the need—the all-consuming, overpowering need—to be touched, loved, kissed, fucked. As his lover writhed underneath him, John did the only thing he could. He gave Rodney everything.

When McKay started to tear at his clothes, John quickly helped him get naked, then stopped long enough to strip himself, rubbing their bodies together, using every part of him to give Rodney as much contact as possible as he stroked and kissed bare skin. "Hey, it's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

God. If Rodney could crawl inside John it almost seemed like he would. This was…god, had he been this bad, this desperate?

Getting a hand around his lover's erection, John didn't go for finesse or try to drag anything out. He remembered. Knew Rodney was too lost in his own body to notice the difference. John ruthlessly suppressed the little voice in his head reminding him how good it had been, how nice it would feel to take it again. His own intermittent cravings could wait. Right now he needed to get Rodney off to dull some of the desperation, then touch and hold him until the pria started to wear off.

It only took a few strokes before Rodney was coming, his yell only cut off when he sucked in a heaving breath, his entire body trembling and shuddering against John. He slumped momentarily, simply breathing, panting into skin, but a few seconds later had started begging again, even before the aftershocks had totally subsided.

God. John hated to see him like this, and made a mental note to apologize to Carson for every nasty thought he had had about the man during detox. Pushing his tongue inside Rodney's mouth, John continued to try and give his lover contact, points of touch. He worked a finger into Rodney's mouth to get spit-slick, then reached down to push into him, going as slow as he could.

But Rodney wouldn't let him go slow, bearing down on John's hand with a ruthlessness and desperateness that was nearly animal in its intensity. John's radio beeped and he cursed quietly, knowing that Carson was probably on the other side of the door.

Lifting his head, John shifted so he could continue to finger Rodney and hit his radio. "This had better be Beckett."

"Aye. I'm on the other side of the door and from the sounds of it, it seems that ye may have gotten yourselves into quite a wee bit of a mess."

"He's strung out on fucking pria, and the first time was the hardest. Given how bad he is, god, he had to have been given more than a single dose." John pulled his hand free, ignoring Rodney's sobbing protest. He wasn't going to hurt his lover for momentary pleasure. "Get me something slick so I don't fucking hurt him trying to get him through this."

"John, I don'na think that would be a good idea. Maybe if you—"

John found himself rolled, so Rodney could rub and push and keen into him. "Fuck it all. Beckett, I'm not strapping him to a bed. I'll stay with him until the worst is over, then you can have him. Just get me something so neither of us ends up getting hurt."

He heard Carson's sigh over the radio even over Rodney's sobs and cries and pleads. "Fine. Let me…I need to clear out the room."

"Yes," John's voice went high and he dragged the word out as Rodney found his cock, started playing with it, seeking John's entrance. God, he wanted sex, and he didn't really care how he got it right now. "Privacy is good."

Carson signed off, saying he'd buzz before he opened the door. But that left Rodney, moaning and desperate, his eyes all pupil, really not sensing or hearing anything external. He tugged at John, trying to move him into one position, before changing his mind and rubbing against John instead. His level of frustration—and desperation—was getting higher.

John rolled them again, pinning Rodney to the floor and using his body to caress. The problem was that while he would fuck his lover once they had lube, he wouldn't be able to do it for the entire time. He didn't have the stamina Rodney did at the moment.

The buzz of his radio alerted John to the fact that Carson was about ready to enter. "John?"

Catching his lover's hands, John pinned them, trying not to moan as the other man continued to thrust up and squirm around. "I ap…apologize if this... gives you nightmares later."

Rodney whimpered. "Pleasepleasepleaseplease, fuck me, please. Need you to fuck me, please. Oh god, please."

John did what he could to soothe the man under him, turning his head slightly to see Carson coming in, bright red. "How long will this last? I don't... I always lost track of time."

"I don'na know. Depends how much he's been given," Carson said quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on his own hands. He'd brought in the lube as John had requested, but also a small kit to draw blood. "Hold him still. I need to get a sample."

John pressed down, pinning Rodney more firmly. "Other than Lorne, Cadman and Zelenka, does anyone else know?"

"Just Suzanne and Andrea. The nurses won't say a word. Lorne also had to report in to Elizabeth, especially after Rodney's aborted call."

"F...fuck." John fought back the gasp. Even drugged out of his mind, Rodney was still a genius—a very determined, focused genius as he tried to wiggle and squirm to get some kind of friction going. "Can you get us some... blankets or something?"

"I have them," Carson nodded, already disposing of the needle and applying a small Band-Aid to Rodney's arm, the scientist sobbing when John wouldn't move or let him move. "I'm going to send this to the labs. I'll be in the front room with Ronon and Teyla."

Grunting, John gave in to the begging, catching Rodney's mouth again, trying soothe some of the desperation away from his lover.

Carson slid away and John gave himself into the kiss, pressing his entire body into Rodney's, entangling their hands above their heads. A soft thump signaled the arrival of the blankets and a few seconds later they were alone once again.

Breaking the kiss, John did a quick check to make sure they really were alone, then pulled back. "Hey, Rodney, buddy, I'm going to spread out some blankets for us, and then I'll give you what you need. Just hang in there for a minute."

As soon as John moved away, Rodney keened long and loud, before he shifted onto his knees to follow John, sobbing quietly when his body wouldn't move as fast as he wanted.

"Shhh, hey, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere." John did his best to both stay in contact with Rodney and spread out the blankets, piling all except one on top of each other to give them some padding. Once Rodney started coming down, he would use the last one to cover them both up.

Rodney grabbed him before John was finished, ending up tumbling them both onto the blankets, wrapping himself around John as he moaned in contentment, his hands exploring and clutching at the same time. His whispered plea of "more" and "fuck me, please" chanted into skin wherever his lips pressed.

God, John had never been able to resist Rodney, and now was no exception. He somehow managed to get his lover onto his back again, fumbling for the tube of lube while he kissed Rodney breathless. John slicked up two fingers this time and worked them deep inside McKay's body, trying to stretch him enough to make sure there wouldn't be problems later.

Rodney moaned wantonly into John's mouth, his legs spread open as wide as they'd go. His hands held John's head in place, fingers threaded through his hair as they plundered each other's mouth. God. This was rough and dirty and….oh god.

John was panting hard, starting to make a few needy noises himself. He worked a third finger in and found Rodney's prostate, wanting to give his lover as much relief as he could while he prepped him.

Rodney finally backed off, breathing heavily, unevenly. "Please, John, please, please….take me, please."

Slipping his hand free, John slicked himself up and pushed home, filling his lover, thanking whatever gods there might be that they had finally gotten to the point where Rodney wanted this again sometime before now. Having their first time together again after so long, be under these circumstances, would have really sucked. And not in a good way.

Moaning loudly, Rodney didn't still until John was completely sheathed inside him, his legs wrapped around John's waist, pulling him in closer.

Finding Rodney's mouth again, John kissed him deeply as he started to thrust, adjusting so he was brushing Rodney's sweet spot every time. He had to make this last, since he didn't know how soon he would be able to do it again.

But it seemed that now that they were joined like this, Rodney was a little less desperate, a little more centered. He was still moaning continually, but his begging and pleading had dropped off. Maybe that meant he was adjusting to the pria.

Breaking the kiss, John forced himself to still, looking down at his lover. "How…how are you doing? Still with me?"

Rodney opened his eyes. They were glassy and slightly glazed over and all John saw was the arousal and lust caused by the pria. God. Rodney was drugged to the gills. "Don't stop. Please don't stop."

"I'm not. I'm here for you." It hurt. He wanted to be the one who put that look on Rodney's face, not some damn drug.

"Please, John, please," he whispered, hands sliding down John's flanks.

Arching, John went back to fucking, all other thoughts being wiped from his head. This was Rodney. They were here, together, touching, loving, joined. That was all that mattered.

Rodney whimpered and moaned, clenching down on John's cock even as he shuddered and trembled. "Good" and "more" and "oh god, yes" fell from Rodney's mouth like the rain, the scientist squirming and clutching at John's shoulders.

John sped up, working a hand between them to stroke Rodney again, dragging him higher and higher to the edge.

As soon as John's hand touched Rodney, he was off like a rocket, coming hard in the space between them, coating their stomachs thoroughly. He slumped against the floor a moment later, head lolling to the side as the last of the aftershocks rolled through his body.

John was close, and forcing himself to still was physically painful. But he doubted the pria had worn off yet, and he wanted to take care of Rodney. The only way to do that was to deny the orgasm for as long as possible so he could stay buried deep inside. John spared a momentary longing for the dildos hidden in his room.

A quick beep and then he heard Carson. "John?"

God, carrying on conversations while having sex with your drugged partner was seriously not what the porn flicks made it out to be. He smacked his radio, blanketing Rodney's body with his own. "What?"

"I need to get Rodney to the infirmary."

"I'll let you know when it's out of his system enough so he's aware of what's going on around him. Didn't we already have this conversation?"

"John, there's a dangerous level of pria in his system. I don't know what Smythe gave him but it had to be some kind of massive or concentrated dose. He needs to be in the infirmary."

Fuck. John rested his head on Rodney's shoulder. "I'm not letting you take him through the whole damn city like this, then strapping him to a damn bed, Carson. Just give it a little longer to ease up a bit, so he at least knows what's going on."

"That might be hours away and I won't wait that long."

Rodney had started to stir under him again, started moaning again. "I'm not letting you drag him through the city like this."

"John, please. This isn't safe."

No one else got to see Rodney like this, got to see the pleasure-drunk look on his face, no matter the cause. That was John's, and he didn't share. That part of him that was a top--Rodney’s top—came roaring to life again. "No. It didn't kill me, and I was given a lot more for a lot longer."

"But never at once!"

"Carson, I was kept strung out on it for weeks, and while I might not have gotten a shot of it, I was given a whole hell of a lot when they wanted me to perform! Just... let me get him past the worst of it here, in private."

Rodney whimpered loudly, his eyes fluttering open. When his ass muscles clenched down on John's cock, he moaned in contentment, a lazy, sex-sated smile lit his features.

"Sh...Sheppard out." John turned his radio back off and couldn't help the stuttering thrust. Talking to Carson had backed him off a bit, but the need was fast returning. "Hey there, buddy. How you doing?"

Rodney moaned again, squirming a little under John, his body shuddering at the sensation. "Mmm, more. Want more," he whispered, licking his red and swollen lips.

"I know. M'trying. Rodney, I don't know how much longer I can hold this. We might have to switch."

"No, like this. Has to be like this."

"I can't... Rodney, I don't have pria in my sys…system. Once I come, I won't be able to..." John trailed off on a moan as Rodney clenched around him.

"You, only you," Rodney breathed. John could feel Rodney getting hard again. This had to be more than just pria.

John knew he had been given other drugs, and that Carson had brought back samples of both. Shit, if Rodney had been given both... "Always. I won't let anyone else touch you like this."

"Please, John…please." Rodney's eyes were big and glazed, nearly all pupil as they stared up at him, begging.

John wrapped his hand around Rodney again, thrusting hard as he worked to get his partner off again, give him some relief.

And God…did he respond. Moaning and squirming and panting. Open and wanton and so submissive.

"Let go, Rodney. Come for me." John was close again, and this time he wasn't going to be able to back off.

Rodney didn't disappoint, following John's command a beat later as he spilled between them once again. His chest heaved with great big breaths as he tried to catch his breath, but John continued to thrust into him, his lover already beginning to harden once again. Damn it all to hell. That fucker was going to die a very painful death.

John couldn't…his own orgasm overwhelmed him, leaving him panting hard. He pulled out and rolled to the side, fingers still curled around Rodney's dick, stroking softly.

As soon as John had pulled out, Rodney keened softly, weakly, the sound ending in a sob. The words he heard nearly broke his heart. "Please, don't leave. Please, come back. Don't leave, please. Please, oh god, please…"

John pushed himself up, finding Rodney's mouth. "Shhh, you don't have to do anything. I can't... I can't get hard again this fast, buddy. I promise, as soon as I can, I'll be inside you again, all right? Until then, I'm right here, and I'll do whatever I need to do to make you feel good."

"Please…" Rodney whispered, his body completely exhausted but the drugs kept other parts of him going. "Please, John, please…"

John kissed him again, this time keeping it sweet, full of love. "How about if I ride you until I can get hard again? Will that help?"

Rodney shook his head, a soft sob escaping. "Please…pleasepleaseplease…"

John wiggled down, licking Rodney's dick, almost ready to cry himself. He wanted to make it better, and he hated that Rodney had to go through this.

Rodney arched up, moaning even as he sobbed quietly. John wasn't sure how much longer either of them was going to be able to keep this up. He could tell the scientist was about ready to drop from sheer exhaustion, but the drug wouldn't let him which just left Rodney frustrated and in pain.

John knew Rodney's body, and knew how to get him off fast and hard. He pulled out all the stops, using everything he could think of, praying the pria would wear off enough that some of the desperate edge would fade away.

And John's technique worked, leaving John with a mouthful of come and Rodney whimpering quietly, his hands pawing for John, reaching for him.

Swallowing, John licked his lips and moved up, letting Rodney pull him into another deep kiss.

Each time they came up for air, Rodney would either whimper or sob, his desperation reduced somewhat, but nowhere near where John wanted. He still wasn't in any position to fuck him again and honestly, John wasn't sure if Rodney could take him again this soon.

Smythe had certainly made his point.

As they kissed, John continued to stroke and play with his lover, giving him as much contact as he could. He knew Carson would override him soon, but if he could just get Rodney past the worst...

And his radio chose that moment to buzz again, demanding and angry.

Moaning, John broke this kiss. "God damn it, Beckett..."

"Now, John. I'm coming in."

"No."

"I canna in good conscience let this go on any longer."

"I'm not letting you separate us. He needs this too much."

"He needs to be in the infirmary and don't you make me take this up with Elizabeth. You don'na need that kind of attention but you're not leavin' me much choice. If you don'na want the nurses to see your white ass, then you had better put some clothes on."

Snagging the blanket, John pulled it up over both of them, Rodney's legs coming up to circle him and lock together in the small of John's back. "Even if I tried, he's not going to let me."

"We'll see about that." A beat later, the door slid open and a gurney rolled in followed by Beckett, two nurses and Ronon. Carson moved immediately to Rodney's side, working around John to try and get the scientist's vitals. Rodney moaned in complaint, but Carson was gentle, his words soothing, settling McKay.

John did know Carson was trying to do what was best for his lover, so several times he tried to pull away, get out of the way, but Rodney wouldn't relinquish his hold.

After a few minutes, another needle came out of Carson's bag and slid quickly into Rodney's arm, the fluid dispensed a second later. "There we go, laddie. You should feel a little better in a minute."

John felt his lover relaxing a bit, although he was still whimpering. John felt wrung out, and he could only imagine how exhausted Rodney must be. "Hey, buddy, you need to let me up now so Carson can take care of you."

Rodney didn't answer, but less than a minute later, Rodney went completely limp under him, his head rolling to the side.

"Good. Let's get him on the gurney and into the infirmary. The sedative won't last long."

John slid off, wrapping the blanket around himself as another was swiftly tossed over Rodney. He didn't even try to get up, watching them work, all their attention focused right where it should be—on Rodney.

Ronon stayed behind as the gurney slid out of the room, standing by the door watching John carefully, quietly. Teyla stepped alongside him a moment later, her head tilted to the side.

"Should you not get dressed?"

"Probably," he said, answering Teyla. He closed his eyes. God it had been a long damn month. "I'm trying to find the energy to start moving again so I can go down to the infirmary to check on him."

"Can I kill Smythe?" Ronon's question was quiet, but filled with rage.

"You have no idea how badly I want to say yes."

"I can do it."

John closed his eyes. "I know you could. But having my men assassinated, no matter how pissed off I am, wouldn't set a good precedent. Just keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't escape. Report back if anyone else tries to get to him or help him—I know there are at least two or three other men working with him, but I never saw who they were."

"McKay knows one of them. Figured he told you."

John shook his head. "I know he knew Smythe was, but he hasn't mentioned anyone else. My guess is that it's because he doesn't have any solid evidence, just circumstantial. Smythe is the only one we can pin anything on directly right now."

"I'll watch him."

Teyla's voice was quiet. "You should change and go to him. He will need your help to get through the rest of this ordeal."

John was suddenly very much aware that he was sitting on the floor naked, wrapped in a blanket, with the smell of sex in the air and his teammates standing over him. Oh god, he wanted to get violently sick, but knew he didn't have that luxury right now. "Yeah, I... Can you hand me my uniform?"

"John," Teyla said quietly, suddenly kneeling next to him, her hand touching his shoulder. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. Go to him."

Given that he was naked, he knew both she and Ronon could see the deep flush traveling down his chest. He was more concerned with keeping the blanket over other parts of him, leaving his upper body more uncovered. "I just slept with someone on the floor with an audience, and now I'm sitting around naked discussing strategy. I... It's been a long day, and it's not over yet. Not until that damn drug is out of his system."

"We shall wait for you outside," she said, rising gracefully to her feet and gesturing Ronon to move. John was left alone a few moments later, the door finally sliding shut. He glanced around the room, finding Rodney's tools and equipment in the corner, the wall panel still open. Clothes—both his and Rodney's—were scattered everywhere. Two used plastic zip-ties sat in the middle of an open piece of floor.

He closed his eyes and fought down his rebellious stomach—and lost the battle. Moving to the corner, he quietly emptied out everything he had eaten that day, then slowly pulled his clothes back on, digging through his vest to find a mint. He gathered up and folded Rodney's clothes, and did what he could to erase as much evidence as possible. As soon as he left, he knew people would be down here to clean, and the less they could guess, the better.

With a quick mental command, he asked Atlantis to make sure it thoroughly scrubbed the air in the room—before the clean-up crews came. Hopefully that would take care of any lingering odors.

That done, he took a few moments for himself, closing his eyes and centering himself again. Part of him just wanted to lie down and submit, give up, give in. But that voice was getting smaller, and his need to protect and care for his lover was stronger. He just had to let himself rely on his friends, and believe in both himself and Rodney, and their ability to heal. He prayed this wouldn’t be a setback for both of them. 

He knew Teyla and Ronon were waiting silently just outside the door in the hallway. They wouldn't wait much longer before they came barging in. Sighing, he let the door open, admitting them into the room.

Licking his lips, he figured he looked pretty wrecked from the sharp looks both of them gave him. "Presentable enough to get through the city?"

Ronon glanced away. Teyla pursed her lips. "I know a back way to the infirmary."

He let one corner of his lips twitch up. "So I pretty much look as shitty as I feel. Good to know." He ran a hand through his hair. He doubted he could muss it any more than Rodney already had. "All right, let's go. The sedative Beckett gave him should start wearing off soon, and I want to be there when it does."

They walked quickly through the corridors, Teyla leading them down a few of the lesser-used halls and in one of the rear entrances to the infirmary—right near the hallway of private rooms.

John slipped inside, grateful they hadn't run into anyone else along the way. They quickly found Rodney's room. Fortunately Beckett was the only one there at the moment. "Hey. How's he doing?"

"He came out of the sedative about halfway here and I had to give him another dose, so he's back under again." Beckett's face was pinched and drawn. Rodney was in a set of white infirmary scrubs and covered in blankets which were tented in a certain strategic location. Apparently the sedative had no effect over that part of the drug's effects.

With a sigh, John leaned against the bed. "He wasn't just given pria. It makes you crave touch, want it so badly you're willing to do anything to get it. But it didn't keep you hard. I was given something else for that when I was Ashira's. Laai."

"Aye, I know. He was given a cocktail of drugs from what the tests tell me. I'm hoping they won't last much longer." Beckett sighed. "He should be waking up shortly. He was asking for you when he woke briefly before. I'll make sure I'm the only one in this area, but whatever you do make sure the leads and wires stay in place."

John nodded. "Hopefully the worst will be over when he wakes up again." John really didn't want to have sex in the infirmary, not like this. Anyway, he didn't think he could even get it up again, no matter how much Rodney needed it, not with how shitty he was feeling about the entire affair. "How long do you think it will take to work completely out of his system, based on what it's done so far?"

Beckett sighed. "A day? But he'll probably have some intense cravings for it over the next week I imagine."

John looked up sharply. "Cravings? I thought you said it took doses over a few days before it got to that point."

"Rodney was given the equivalent of a week's worth of doses all at once. I doubt he'll remember much of what happened before." Beckett sighed again, running a hand over his face. "There's not much I can do for him except wait until it dissipates on its own and monitor him until I'm sure he's no longer at any kind of a health risk."

Rodney picked that moment to shift slightly on the bed, a soft sob accompanying the movement.

John closed his eyes briefly. "All right. I want to stay with him for now. Can you guys come up with an official reason for it in case anyone asks?"

"Elizabeth won't question it and Rodney is off-limits to visitors."

"But we all know word of this will spread fast. I really don't think we want the majority of the population to know Rodney was given pria. It's bad enough they all know I was addicted to it and what it's effects are. And if that gets out, followed by the fact that I'm staying with him..." John trailed off, letting it sink in. He was distracting himself by thinking strategy—it was the best he could do right now.

Rodney shifted again, his next sob a little louder. Beckett's eyes drifted to the scientist before turning to John. "Nothing will come from the medical department and I'm certain your team and Laura and Radek won't say a thing."

John put a hand in the center of Rodney's chest, almost petting him, hoping the connection would help ground his lover a little. "Thanks. Depending on how long this takes to work though his system, I'm going to need a change of clothes and a shower." He paused, making a small face at the disgusting taste in his mouth the mint had only helped marginally. "And a toothbrush."

Beckett nodded, already heading out of the room. "I'll bring it by along with some food. I'd rather have Rodney eat something if he can instead of giving him an IV."

Nodding, John was already refocusing on the blue eyes that were fluttering open. "Hey, there. Beckett said some of the drug should be wearing off. How are you doing?"

"John?"

"I'm here."

Rodney turned his head, his eyes flickering open. They were still glassy, but there was more blue than before. Thank god some of the arousal had passed. "You were gone," Rodney whispered, shifting toward John.

John carefully sat on the edge of the bed, pressing his body close to Rodney's, touching in as many places as possible. "I didn't think you would wake up that fast. I had to get dressed and clean the room before I could follow you."

"It hurts so much…"

"I know. God, I'm so sorry..." John cupped his face, stroking lightly. "But it does get better, okay? It will hurt for a little while, but as the drugs wear off, your body won't be screaming for pleasure anymore. Beckett thinks you were given a large enough dose that you'll probably have some withdrawal symptoms, but we'll get you through it."

Rodney moaned and leaned into John's hand. "Touch me, please."

Working his free hand under Rodney's shirt, John continue to pet him, finding a nipple and rolling it lightly with the pad of his thumb. "I've already told Carson that I'm not leaving until you're past the worst of this. I'll be right here beside you, touching you the entire time."

"Good," Rodney panted, arching into John's touch, a contented purr rumbling out of his mouth. "So good." A few minutes later and Rodney started squirming, and ignoring the wires and leads attached to him, his hands started to tug at the blankets and clothes covering him.

"Hey, Beckett said we needed to make sure you didn't pull any of these out." John pushed a little on his lover's chest to try and still him. "Do you need to come again?"

Rodney gave John a look that sent a shock of sheer arousal to his cock. "Please."

Swallowing hard, John ran his hand down, under the waistband of Rodney's scrubs to wrap around his lover.

Rodney shifted again, his hands tugging at the fabric covering him.

John began to stroke, fondle, and caress his lover, knowing the drugs were driving him to want release, but touch had to be getting painful. "Just stay with me. Don't think about anything except you and me."

"Too much…too many things on me," he whispered, sobbing a little as he shifted again, arching into John's hand.

"I know, but I can't take them off you, not here. Forget about the clothes. Just focus on my hand, where I'm touching you."

"Please, John, please."

"Just me and you and what I'm doing to you. That's all that matters." John sped up and firmed up his strokes.

Rodney moaned as he arched again, the sound ending in a whimper as his fingers got tangled in the fabric of the blankets and scrubs. His other hand finally clamped down on John's leg, squeezing tightly.

John knew he was going to have a bruise there, but he put his hand over Rodney's. "Come on, let go, come for me—you'll get at least a minute or two of relief."

Another whimpering moan and Rodney was coming, his body shaking with the release. He finally melted back against the bed, exhaustion on his face, his eyes still glazed and glassy as he panted heavily, every other breath a quiet moan.

John let go of the spent cock, moving his hand back to Rodney's chest so he didn't accidentally arouse his lover any sooner than necessary.

It was so hard to see Rodney like this. He was still trembling slightly from his orgasm, but Rodney was already pushing into John's hand, tugging at his own clothes in an effort to rid himself of them.

He just wanted this to be over, for the damn pria to run its course and leave his lover alone. He felt helpless, not knowing what else he could do. "Maybe I should ask Beckett to sedate you again, until it's worked out of your system more."

"It hurts….John, please, touch me…hold me…please…"

With a low, unhappy noise that Rodney was in so much obvious pain, John swung his legs around and, careful not to disturb any wires, wrapped himself around his lover, getting as much contact as he could manage.

Rodney buried his face into John's shoulder, his body trembling as he clutched at him. But for the first time in God only knows how much time, the scientist was quieting. Maybe the drug was dissipating a little or maybe the exhaustion was simply catching up with him.

John just held the trembling man, only looking up when he heard someone come into the room.

It was Carson bringing in a tray—just like he'd promised—his eyebrow raised in question. "How's he doing?"

Rodney was holding on so tight John was fairly sure he would be covered in bruises tomorrow. "Better. Still affected, but it doesn't seem as overpowering now."

"Good. His body's probably adapting a little." The tray was placed on the bedside table and then Carson was moving around the bed, checking leads, shifting fabric. When his hand brushed against Rodney's skin, the scientist moaned a little and leaned toward the Scot.

John had to push down the surge of jealousy the reaction caused, channeling it into pulling Rodney closer, spreading his hands wide on his lover's back and rubbing soothing circles into the skin. "Hey, Carson brought food. Do you want to try to eat something?"

Rodney shook his head, face still buried against John.

Unable to resist nuzzling into the side of Rodney's neck a little, he got an idea. "What about if I fed it to you? Do you want to try that?"

"Just…hold me…touch me, please."

They couldn't get much closer without having actual sex, but John did his best, trying to plaster their bodies together. He shot a helpless look at Carson. "Please, can't you do something? Sedate him again, numb it, anything?"

Carson's face looked pinched. "I can put him under."

He couldn't actually voice the words, since actually asking to have his lover put out was painful, but John finally nodded once, hugging Rodney.

The Scot nodded, patting John's shoulder. "I'll be right back."

John went back to nuzzling, pressing his lips again and again to Rodney's skin as he tried to be encouraging. "Just a little longer, okay? Carson is going to give you something to knock you out until the worst is out of your system. I'll be here the whole time while you sleep, and I'll be here when you wake up."

Rodney sniffed into his shoulder as he tried to press John closer. They stayed like that, tangled together, until Carson returned with another IV and a pocketful of vials. He set it up quickly, taping down everything on Rodney's wrist before setting the IV in place.

"I'm not sure how much you're tracking right now, Rodney," Carson said quietly. "I'm setting you up with a saline drip and I'm going to piggyback something to keep your blood sugar level up. I'm gonna keep you under until I can get a clear reading from your labs. Okay?"

John felt his lover nod against his skin, and looked up to nod at Carson.

His face was neutral—the doctor mask in place—as he nodded to himself, pushing the first dose of the sedative into the IV port, measuring it out over the course of a minute. After capping the used needle and putting it in the sharps bin, he patted Rodney's hand. "Now, just let John hold you while you fall asleep. I'll be back in about ten minutes to check on you."

It felt like it took forever before Rodney started to relax his grip a bit. Working a hand free, John cupped his lover's face, tilting it so he could press a soft kiss into crooked lips. "I'll take care of you. Sleep, and when you wake up I'll be here. I love you."

Rodney blinked lazily at John, the pull of the sedative and his own exhaustion too much for the scientist to handle. He slid into sleep a few minutes later, his entire body finally relaxing.

Oh god. Finally.

John carefully laid Rodney back on the bed, slipping down and making sure he was in a comfortable position. He patted McKay's hand and told him he would be right back, then quietly headed for the infirmary bathroom to get sick again, and maybe try to rinse his mouth out afterward this time.

It took a few minutes to pull himself together, but when he finally walked back into the room Carson was there, writing a few things in Rodney's chart. The blankets had been pulled up to cover the scientist, the end precisely folded and no wrinkles in sight. Carson glanced up briefly, before going back to his notes.

John quietly pulled a seat over and fell into it, eyes firmly on Rodney. It took him a few minutes to work up the energy to talk. "How long do you think you'll have to keep him like this?"

"We'll be taking blood samples throughout the next few days. That will be our guide."

"Okay. Good. Any word from Lorne on what's going on out there? Or from Elizabeth?"

"I havena had the chance to call either of them," Carson said with a sigh before he finally looked up. "You should probably go and take a shower. Rodney's not going anywhere."

John sighed. "I promised him I'd stay here. Teyla and Ronon said I look about as good as I feel right now, but I can't leave him."

"And he will not be waking up until I'm ready for him to. Go shower and eat something. Don't think I don'na know where you were."

Blinking John gave him a puzzled look. "Where I was?"

"I saw you head for the bathroom looking pale and green. Don'na give me that."

"Oh. That." John just slumped into his seat. "Then you know why I'm not interested in even trying to eat anything right now."

"Making yourself sick over it will not make him better. Go before I kick you out and refuse to let you back in."

"I'm fine here. I'll go shower in a little while."

"Now, John."

He didn't respond, just stared at Rodney's pale face. It hit home suddenly. He had done this. Yes, Smythe had been the one to use the drug, but he had done it when John had refused to cooperate. He had thought he was doing the right thing, but if it led to this...

"John?" Carson's hand was on his elbow.

"I—" He cut himself off, then sighed. "Just wondering if I made the right call, refusing to give Smythe what he wanted."

"Only you can answer that since I barely know what this is all about. I just see the injuries after the fact."

John reached out, resting a hand on where he was pretty sure Rodney's ankle was under the blanket. "It's about power. Smythe wants mine, and I refused to give it up. Rodney became a casualty of the struggle, simply because he was close to me and this was a way to hurt me."

Carson sighed. "Aye."

Closing his eyes, John wondered if this nightmare would ever end. "I made the right call for Atlantis, since I can't let Smythe and his cronies intimidate me into letting them usurp me. But... did I make the right call personally? For us? Will this throw him so far back that we can never get what we had fixed completely again?"

"I don'na know, John. Only Rodney can answer that. Go shower. Talk to Kate. Talk to Lorne. I'll keep an eye on Rodney. The entire medical staff knows not to let anyone in this section without my approval."

"I don't want to go far. Do you have any of my spare uniforms here? I'll shower if I can use the infirmary facilities."

"John, go to your quarters. It'll take five minutes more, but you'll feel better."

He considered arguing, but at this point, he knew the doctor wasn't going to budge and it would be faster to just humor him. "Fine. I'll be back shortly, showered and changed."

"Aye. That sounds like a good idea. Glad you thought of it," Carson said, settling into the chair that John vacated, already focusing back on Rodney's medical chart.

Rolling his eyes, John started for his room. If he was quick enough, he could be back in the infirmary in under a half-hour.

"Oh, and John?"

Half turning, John looked back at his friend and doctor, not liking the look he was being given. "Yes?"

"After I release Rodney I don't want to see either of you in my infirmary for a very long time. Do you understand?"

"Believe me, if I could promise that I would. About the only way I see that happening though, is if we're both forced into retirement." John gave his friend a tired smile and slipped out the door. He was half way to his room and thinking maybe he would manage this without running into anyone else when his luck ran out.

Radek Zelenka was standing at his door looking dejected and very worried.

John eyed the other man, the decided he really had no dignity left anyway at this point, not with the people who actually knew about him and Rodney. "Radek. Come in, but you're going to have to talk to me while I shower."

"No…I…" He shoved his glasses back onto place but followed John in. "How is Rodney? I did not expect…we did not think…"

John grabbed his desk chair and dragged it close enough to the bathroom door that they would be able to talk without yelling. "Sit. Rodney is... better. Carson and I finally decided it was better to sedate him until the worst of it is out of his system."

Radek dropped into the chair, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. "He said there might be problems, but never mentioned stunning and tying up or…" His hands waved as he ran out of words.

John stepped into the bathroom and stripped, giving the shower a mental flick to get the water heating. "I don't think either of us thought it would be this... extreme. He was being threatened to keep me in line, but... I thought he would be safe with other people around. I didn't think Smythe would risk something like this."

"And what is going on? Rodney has been tight-lipped about what he was working on."

Stepping under the water, John let it wash over him, taking a moment to think. It was going to get out, now, so it would be better to have Radek with all the facts. With Rodney out for who knew how long, he was going to have to rely on the Czech for any technical needs. "Smythe was threatening me, and when that didn't work he threatened Rodney, to try and take control of the base. When I continued to refuse, this was the result."

"That is stupid, shortsighted."

"No kidding. I don't know what he hoped to gain, honestly. He had to know that even if I had caved and given him what he wanted initially, the rest of the command staff wouldn't sit by and say nothing. And today... My biggest worry, though, is that Smythe is the only one I actually know for sure was part of this. I was blindfolded and kept from seeing anyone else involved, but I know there were at least three other men in the room when I was assaulted. Smythe might have been the front man, but these others are smarter, since we have no way of identifying them and dealing with them right now."

Radek was quiet for a few minutes and John ducked into the stream of water, soaping up and rinsing off quickly.

"Perhaps that was part of plan?"

"You think whomever planned this used Smythe as the fall guy, knowing he was unstable enough that we'd focus on him and leave the others alone?"

"Almost seems too sneaky, but why else would he make so many obvious mistakes? Smythe will be court-martialed and sent back to Earth where he can get lost in red tape. Maybe there is something else happening we do not know about."

John ducked under the water again to wash the rest of the soap away, then shut it off and grabbed a towel. "It wouldn't surprise me. The men working with him were smarter than he was. They didn't make any noises I could use to identify them, and they were the ones who played with me the last time. Not to mention we still can't find any evidence of bugging, yet Smythe had pictures and transcripts of Rodney and I. I don't think he's smart enough to pull something like that off."

"Rodney was waiting for data burst this morning before we could go work on repairs. Maybe he has something?"

Towel slung around his hips, John walked back into the main room to look for a clean uniform. "Incoming or outgoing? You think he was hoping to catch someone, or sending information to someone for checks?"

Radek's eyes were a little wide, but he quickly glanced the other way as he spoke. "I don't know. As I said, Rodney was very quiet about project. Muttering a lot under breath."

Quickly finding clean clothes, John paused, thinking. "Well, Smythe had warned me to warn Rodney off, so I'm assuming he was getting close to something. But because of the rather unique situation, I was keeping as far from the investigation as I could. Lorne might be able to answer that though. I'd be surprised if McKay hadn't kept him at least partially informed."

"Lorne was most…unhelpful."

John ducked back into the bathroom. "So Rodney was keeping him in the dark too, eh? Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

"For someone who claims is genius, he is dense sometimes," Radek grumbled.

Chuckling, John quickly got his uniform tugged more or less into place, and ran a hand through his damp hair to try and tame it before walking out to look for shoes. "Well, hopefully he won't need to be kept out for too long, and then he can tell us what he was up to so we can take it from there."

"Perhaps." Radek sighed. "He will be okay?"

Looking up from where he had sat at the end of the bed, John sighed, suddenly exhausted again. "I hope so. We won't really know that until he wakes up."

"He is still unconscious from stun?"

John felt his eyes go wide. They thought... Fuck.

"Colonel?"

"He wasn't stunned."

Radek was quiet for a moment, his face showing his confusion. "I am missing something, then. Lieutenant Cadman and I were stunned. Woke up in infirmary. I assumed something similar happened to Rodney."

John dropped his head into his hands, quickly assessing how much Radek really needed to know. He thought both him and Cadman had already woken up before they were taken to the infirmary. But it all came back to pragmatism—with Rodney out of it, he needed Zelenka's expertise. Sighing, he figured the other man needed to know at least some of it if he was going to be any help. "He was drugged, not stunned. The drug was taking some time to work through his system, which is why Carson and I made the call to sedate him. Hopefully by the time we bring him up again, the worst of the effects will have passed."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"This changes things."

John fought down the urge to laugh hysterically. God, he was so fucking tired of this. He just wanted life to go back to what passed for normal in Pegasus. "I thought you knew already."

"No. None of this. Knew there was an incident with you, but did not know specifics. Things have been kept very quiet." Radek was quiet for a moment, his hand on his chin as he thought. "Give me few hours. I have plan for you."

John sighed. "If you're going to help, you should probably have a few more of the details, as loathe as I am to spread it around. I assumed you'd already been filled in. There were actually two incidents with me, once I was drugged with pria, and the other I was... assaulted. Those were the major ones, but I was also approached several times, both before this all started and after with a variety of threats and innuendo, including being told to warn Rodney to back off 'or else'. When neither of us would back down or cave, they followed through and went after Rodney, giving him a cocktail of concentrated drugs."

Radek nodded, his eyes still wide in surprise. "Let me go through Rodney's computer. I know where he hides things."

John stood up. "Good. I'll be in the infirmary with him while he recovers. You can find me there—or find Lorne, who's heading the investigation—when you have something."

The Czech scrambled to his feet, following John out the door. "Yes. Rodney should not have kept to himself. I will have talk with him later."

"Go easy on him, Radek. He knew I didn't want this spread around. And we both knew that if it got out that he was investigating, he would be in more danger than he already was. Turns out even those precautions didn't work, but at the time we thought they would."

"You worry about other things. This I will take care of."

Pausing before they hit the more populated areas, John gave the Czech a grateful look. "Thanks. And…keep it as quiet as you can. I don't think either of us wants any more people than necessary to know exactly what happened."

"That is not a problem. People know better."

"I still don't want the base to know that I was…that…in an attempt at grabbing power. I have enough problems maintaining any discipline as it is. And I know Rodney won't want it to be common knowledge either. So thanks. Come find me when you have something."

Radek waved him off, turning down a hallway that led to the science labs.

John nodded to himself and headed back to the infirmary to sit by Rodney's bed. With any luck, they could end this fucking nightmare soon.

***

The first thing Rodney noticed was the pinch in the crook of his left arm.

And then the one in the back of his hand.

He drifted for a few minutes, awareness coming slowly and with it confusion. His skin ached and he could tell that his muscles were protesting—even though he hadn't yet moved one of them.

Something was holding down his right arm—something heavy and warm—his fingers threaded through someone else's.

It was the beeping that finally gave it away. He was in the infirmary. There was only one snag, however. He didn't remember injuring himself—especially not bad enough to warrant sedatives. He could tell he'd been fed some pretty good ones from the dryness in his mouth.

But the touch on his hand felt really good. He tightened his grip, humming a little as it sent tendrils of pleasure through him. Hmm. Felt nice.

Fingers squeezed back lightly, and the weight on his arm shifted. "Rodney?" John's voice was soft, sleepy.

Rodney hummed again, turning his head slightly toward John's voice. Opening his eyes was still a little too much, but John touching him was nice.

"Hey, buddy. Carson said he was cutting back on the sedatives, so you might rouse a bit. How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy," Rodney whispered, trying to pry an eye open. It took a few tries before he could and another bit before he was able to focus on John's face.

Concern, love, and affection were all openly on John's face. "I bet. He didn't cut you all the way off, just enough so you could wake up a little and we could see how you were doing." He reached out to caress Rodney's jaw.

Purring a little, Rodney leaned into John's hand. So good.

His lover sighed. "Still feeling the effects, huh? At least it seems to be wearing off a little." He continued to caress, squeezing their linked fingers again lightly.

Rodney let his eyes close so he could enjoy the feel of John's hand on him. It had been so long since he could just lay back and enjoy it, feel it. He sighed contentedly. This was the best way to wake up.

John made a soft noise, but continued to pet Rodney, expanding his touch to run through Rodney's hair, stroke along his neck, thumb brushing across his lips. "Carson will probably be here in a few minutes to check on you."

Rodney forced an eye open. "Why?" he asked, wanting water, but not wanting to lose the feel of John's hands.

"How much do you remember of what happened?"

He looked at John for a long moment before trying to clear his throat. What happened? He'd been working. Working with Radek.

John shook his head, leaning down to brush his lips across Rodney's. "Don't worry about it right now. You're safe, nothing and no one was really damaged. I'll fill you in on everything else later."

Rodney tried to clear his throat again. "Water?" he finally whispered, leaning up to follow John as he backed away.

Smiling, John nodded. He leaned away, snagging a glass of water off the bedside table without untangling their hands. He held the straw for Rodney to sip.

Taking a long pull, Rodney finally dropped his head back again the pillow. He was exhausted, like he'd run a marathon. His skin was super-sensitive to everything and even his cock hurt.

That revelation gave him pause.

Rodney shifted again and concentrated on another ache. He'd had sex. Recently.

John had put the water back on the table, and his hand returned to Rodney's face, petting him again.

Relaxing into his partner's touch, Rodney tried to still his quickly spinning thoughts. He'd been working with Radek. Cadman. Cadman had been there. He'd been working on a panel, waiting for Radek's confirmation. It hadn't come.

Oh god. Smythe.

Drugs. He'd been drugged. Oh god. Smythe had drugged him.

Oh god.

And then, Smythe had raped him.

"Rodney? Hey, you just went really tense on me. What's going on in that head of yours?"

He lurched toward John—not caring about the IV he felt pulling out—letting the other man catch him as he buried his face in his lover's shoulder.

Making a whooshing noise as the air was knocked out of him, John's arms came up to circle around Rodney and hold him tight. "You remembered, huh? I promise, I tried to be as gentle as possible, and I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, but I knew, with the pria, you were going out of your mind with the need to be touched."

Rodney shook his head. John? John hadn't been there. "No…god….Smythe…" He couldn't even finish the sentence.

"Rodney? I don't know what you're remembering, but Smythe drugged you with a concentrated form of pria, mixed with some other things. We got there not long after, before he had a chance to do more than get you high—it was just fully hitting you as we arrived. Beckett cleared the room, and I stayed with you, loved you, for as long as we thought it was safe, but because it wasn't just pria, Carson made the call to sedate you and bring you back here, then kept you sedated through the rest of the worst of it."

"He didn't…"

John wrapped his long fingers around Rodney's chin, forcing him to look up. "No. He didn't do more than touch your arms. He was still trying to ramp you up when Lorne and I got there. I'm the one who untied you and stayed with you."

Rodney held John's eyes, feeling the relief wash over him when he saw the truth in his lover's eyes. "Oh god, oh god. I'd thought…he was the last thing I remembered…"

John kissed him gently. "No, just me. I would have had to kill him if he had touched you like that. I didn't even want Carson and the nurses to see you strung out on the pria, but in the end your safety won out over my possessiveness. But I'm the only one who touched you, took care of your needs."

Holding on tighter, Rodney pressed himself closer, kissing John with the desperation and relief he was feeling.

John licked his way inside Rodney's mouth, gentling the kiss, driving away the last of the fear. When they broke, John pressed soft kisses down Rodney's neck. "Mine. You belong to me and no one else. I won't let anyone else have you, not like that. Turning down Ronon's offer to kill that fucking bastard for drugging you was the hardest thing I've ever done."

Rodney shifted on the bed, pulling his legs around so they were hanging down from the edge of the bed. God. He wanted to crawl into John's lap.

"Hey, where are you going?" John didn't pull away though. Instead, he moved to hop up onto the bed beside Rodney. "I don't think Carson would be happy if I let you get down, so how about I come to you?"

"Just…god. I…can you….please, touch me?"

Gently, John rearranged them so Rodney was lying back again, this time with John next to him, holding him close, one leg working its way between Rodney's. "While you were drugged I promised I wouldn't leave your side until all the pria was out of your system. I'm not going to break that."

Rodney relaxed as soon as John's body was in contact with his. "Better. Much better," he said with a sigh of contentment.

Hands had worked up underneath the scrub top he was wearing, idly stroking skin. "Just relax and let me—and Beckett when he gets here—take care of you."

Rodney let himself drift, loving the feel of John's hands on him. It was intoxicating. God, if this is how John felt all the time, no wonder he wanted more.

Eventually another voice intruded, with a soft burr. Rodney didn't listen to the words, but instead focused on the way John rumbled slightly when he spoke. Eventually though, his lover caught his attention. "Hey, buddy. Carson wants to do a quick exam, talk to you for a minute, and draw some blood. I'm staying right here beside you, but I need you to tune in."

"Comfy."

"You don't have to move much. Just let Beckett pull one of your arms free for a minute, and answer a few questions."

"Wanna go to our room," he said. There John could fuck him. Mmm. That would feel so good.

It was Carson who answered. "Not yet, lad. You've still got a bit of the cocktail in your system, and we dinna know yet whether you'll have any withdrawal symptoms, or how severe they'll be." Another set of hands tugged one of the arms he had wrapped around John free. "How are you feeling?"

Rodney tried to tug his hand free to put it back where it went, but Carson's hand felt pretty good, too. "Mmm. Okay."

John made a growling noise that wasn't really audible, but Rodney felt it against his chest. "I remember this part. For at least a little while, probably the next few days, any and all contact will feel pretty damn good. After that, at least on me, it wore off a little bit, but even now I'm more sensitive to touch than I used to be. You've only had one dose, but it was concentrated, so we don't know exactly how this will go."

"Feels good."

"I know."

Rodney shifted so his mouth was just next to John's ear. "You should fuck me like this."

He heard a sharp intake of breath, and the shift of hips before John could stop it. "I don't want to take advantage of you like this. You'd hate me later."

"But it would feel so good." That made perfect sense to him right now. Feels good must mean was good.

John nuzzled into Rodney's neck. "I know it would. I could make you fly so high. But I promise, later on when the drug is gone and it's just you and me, I'll make you feel just as good."

Carson cleared his throat. "If you're done whispering…"

John's voice was a little rough, and Rodney liked the way it sounded like sex. "Just, ah, trying to convince him that we can touch all we want later, after the pria has completely worn off."

The Scot sighed. "Rodney, you managed to tear out both of your IVs."

"I'm fine."

"No, you aren't. I need to put them back in."

John nuzzled again, sending pleasant shivers all down Rodney's body. "Let him put them back in. The faster he gets you better, the sooner we can get out of here."

"But we can't do anything here," Rodney whined, pressing closer to John. How they were managing to stay on the infirmary bed was beyond him, but he didn't care.

"Which is why you need to let Carson put the IVs back in and get you better, so he'll discharge you."

"No."

"Rodney..." John sighed.

McKay trailed his fingers under the hem of John's shirt, loving how it felt when John's body squirmed against him.

John gasped, arching a little as Rodney found his hot spots. "R...Rodney. We can't do this here. You need to let Carson put the IVs back in."

"Colonel, I need you to get up."

John whined softly as Rodney continued to work his hand up. "O…okay. Just…Rodney, I need to get up."

Rodney whined, trying to clutch at John as he sat up, Carson's hands on his shoulder holding Rodney in place on the bed. "No, please…"

"Shhh, I'm not going far." John swung off the bed, but kept a hand on Rodney at all times.

A sob escaped as all of that amazing and wonderful contact was replaced by cool air where John had been. He tried to sit up again, but Carson and John held him in place. "Please. Please let me up. Please…"

John leaned back over him, pressing their lips together as a pinch told him Carson was putting the IV back in. "Not going anywhere. And as soon as you're cleared to leave, I'll go with you and do anything you want."

Carson was tutting about something, wiping his arm and wrist with a wet cloth. "Can we just go now?"

John kept giving him light kisses, feather-soft against Rodney's lips as they talked. "Not yet. But soon. You're going to sleep again for a little while right now, but I'll be close by. And when you wake up again I'll be right beside you. If the pria has finished running its course, then maybe we can leave."

"Nonononono. Don't want to sleep," Rodney said, but he could already feel the pull of the sedatives.

John continued to kiss him softly. "I know, but you need to. Trust me. I'll be here taking care of you."

"Trust you," Rodney whispered, feeling himself starting to drift again. John pressed another kiss to his lips before pulling back as Rodney's eyes closed. He felt John's hand against his cheek, fingers, running through his hair, across his temple.

The next thing he knew he was waking again, his head fuzzy, his mouth dry—again. He shifted on the bed as memories filtered back in. Some of the desperation he'd felt before was gone, but the brush of fabric against his skin still felt really nice.

He hadn't moved yet, but he heard someone else in the room. From the tut, it sounded like Carson, but he wasn't talking to Rodney. "Ach, John, I told you to go to bed, lad. You need to rest."

"Mmmm, fine. I wanna be here when he wakes up again." John sounded tired, his voice close by.

"M…'wake," Rodney managed to whisper, letting his head roll to the side. Opening his eyes was a little beyond him right this moment. He needed a little energy to get to that part.

Immediately fingers tangled with his. "Hey there, buddy. Welcome back. Again."

"Mmm," Rodney replied, tightening his grip on John's hand. "…home?"

John's chuckle was warm. "You just woke up, so probably not just yet. It's been about thirty-six hours since the last time you were awake."

That got his eyes open, John's blurry face floating in front of him. "Huh?"

"Carson wanted to make sure all the traces of drugs were out of your system this time. So the pria itself shouldn't be affecting you, although we'd both be surprised if you don't have any lingering aftereffects."

Rodney blinked a few times and tried to clear his throat. John offered a straw and he sipped a little water, whispering his thanks after he pulled it away. "You still feel good."

John smiled again. "Yeah, that will take a few days to fade completely. While you've been sleeping, Carson's been running tests on the concentrate you were given, and comparing it to regular pria. As best we can determine, you were given a dose about three times as strong as one of the fruits alone. After all the pria was out of my system, I was still hyper sensitive for about a week, and even now I'm more aware of touch. For you, he's predicting it will probably run about three to five days from now on the hyper sensitivity, with the awareness fading over the next few weeks."

"Mmm…'kay. Go home?"

John's thumb brushed over Rodney's lips. "One track mind. You need to come up completely from the sedatives, and Carson's going to do a full exam. I'm hoping he'll release you to our room after that, but it's up to him."

Rodney nodded, his tongue sneaking out to lick at the tip of John's thumb.

Hazel eyes darkened a bit with arousal, but his lover continued to smile, thumb still caressing. "I've missed you the last few days."

"You kick Smythe out on his ass?"

"We're working on it. We've been in touch with the SGC, and proceedings have started for a court martial and trial. Lorne and Zelenka have been putting the case together to transmit when we hand him over. Right now we're coordinating everything, but that should take place in the next few days. We're negotiating whether or not I'll step through the gate with the guard to testify."

"Do whatever you need to do to nail him."

John nodded. "I know. Right now I have a feeling my going can't be avoided. It's really more figuring out timing, and what, exactly, they want from me. I want to be gone for as short a time as possible."

Some of the fuzziness was fading, leaving Rodney simply tired and washed out. He just wanted to go back to his quarters and lay down with John. "You know these mattresses are horrible on my back."

John smiled and Carson, who had been standing on the other side of the bed, chuckled. "Aye, lad, I know. Cooperate with me for just a bit and I'll let you go to your own room to rest. Not to work—but I don't think that's what you're interested in anyway."

"Didn't you do enough?" Rodney complained, scowling weakly. "I've been in your clutches for days."

"Aye, but it's obvious you're still feeling a bit peaky. Let's run through a few things quickly, and give you some time to let the sedatives wear the rest of the way off. If you dinna fight me, I hope to be able to let you leave for your quarters in another hour."

Rodney sighed but nodded. It was the easiest thing to do right now. Carson offered a smile and John moved to back away, but Rodney wouldn't let go of his hand.

John raised an eyebrow. "Rodney?"

"What?"

"Gonna let me go?"

Rodney glanced from their interlaced fingers up to John's exhausted face. "Do I have to?"

The tip of John's tongue flicked out to lick his lips. He looked at Carson. "Beckett? Am I in your way if I stay here?"

"It would be easier and go faster if you weren't."

John moved so he was standing almost behind Rodney's head, pulling their joined hands to rest on the pillow. "How about now?"

Rodney turned his head to stare at Carson, making sure his eyes were wide. Right now John's hand was grounding him and he didn't want to lose that.

Carson sighed and nodded. "Fine. You still may have to move, but I'll try to work around you."

John squeezed once. "Thanks."

Rodney submitted to whatever tests Carson wanted and by the time he was done about thirty minutes later, he removed the catheter and offered a smile. "If you promise to rest for the rest of the day, you can probably go back to light duties tomorrow—if you're feeling up for it. You might not be."

John hadn't released his hand the entire time. "I'll keep an eye on him and let you know, Carson. What about meals? I know you've had stuff in the IV—when does he need to eat again?"

"I'd keep it light for tonight," he said, his eyes on Rodney. "You're probably fine, but I'd recommend taking it easy."

Rodney nodded. He wasn't really hungry so that wasn't going to be an issue. "I can go?"

Carson looked him over carefully. "Aye. You'll be tired for the rest of the night I imagine as the sedatives work their way out of your system. No matter what you decide to do tomorrow, I'd like you to stop by in the afternoon to check in with me."

"Okay." Humor the doctor and he might let him leave.

Carson nodded. "Your uniform is on the chair, and you're free to go then."

"Really?" That was too easy.

"Aye." Carson gave him an indulgent look that was expanded to include John. "And take your Colonel with you. I dinna think he's slept in the past two days."

"He was sleeping before…" Rodney said, thinking back, remembering a heavy weight on his arm. Oh. But that was before. Thirty-six hours before. He hated losing time. "Can I just have a robe?"

John huffed. "I'm fine, Carson. And yes, Rodney. I actually brought your bathrobe in case you weren't up to feeling fabric that close to your body yet. And Ronon and Teyla are waiting for us. They're going to more or less clear the hall so you don't have to run into anyone on the way."

Rodney turned his eyes on Carson, gesturing to the IV with the hand that was still clasped around John's. "I'm still attached."

Shaking his head, Carson quickly removed the IV and, along with John, helped Rodney into the soft robe. "All right, remember you two—take it easy!"

"Yes, yes," Rodney said, letting John usher him out the door, a hand in the small of his back. Rodney tried not to push back against it, but the touch felt so nice.

True to John's word, Teyla and Ronon were waiting for them, and after a brief hug from Teyla and a stoic 'I still think Sheppard should let me kill him for you' from Ronon, his teammates disappeared to clear the halls, letting John and Rodney move quickly to their own room.

Rodney stumbled a few times, John catching his arm and settling him back on his feet. Each time Rodney leaned in closer, the touch even more addicting than it had been minutes ago.

By the time they made it back to the room, they were almost plastered together. They stumbled inside, John wrapping his arms around Rodney as soon as the door had slid shut.

John had directed them to his room—their room. They really needed bigger quarters if they were going to keep doing this, Rodney thought vaguely. He pressed himself closer to John. He sighed, happy to be home and alone with John.

They just stood in the middle of the room, hanging on to each other for a while. Finally, John lifted his head. "Bed?"

"Naked?"

"If you want."

Rodney leaned back so we could look John in the eyes. "I want you to touch me without an audience, without Carson. Just us."

John smiled the happy, open smile that only Rodney ever got to see. He traced the line of Rodney's jaw with one finger. "You're mine."

Rodney hummed, loving the feel of that one finger, his body pressing closer to John. If he could feel like this all the time…

"Get naked for me and get into bed."

He wanted to feel John's hands on his body. "Can you do it?"

"Mmmmm." John leaned in for a kiss, then set about stripping Rodney slowly, peeling off the robe and scrubs, then leading him to the bed. "I need to get my clothes off, too."

Rodney grabbed John's hand, not letting him pull away. It was like he was afraid the other man wouldn't come back, wouldn't touch him again.

"Rodney? I'm not going anywhere, I just need to get my uniform off, okay? Do you want to help me?"

He finally tugged his hand away, slumping down on the bed, feeling like an idiot. "No…just…" he waved his hand at John before tucking it under his armpit so he would refrain from reaching for John. Okay. This whole feeling thing might not be as good as he'd first thought.

John caught his face in a gentle grip. "Hey. I know. I promise, once we get into bed, we'll be plastered to each other for the rest of the night."

"I…" Rodney took a breath. "It makes me feel like an idiot."

"You're not. You need to be touched, need it to ground you, right? Like without it, you're not sure you can think straight, hold on to reality?"

Rodney nodded.

John leaned in to brush their lips together. "It gets better, fades with time. And you're not alone. I won't let you do this alone. For as long as you need me here, I won't leave your side."

"But you can't just ignore everything because I'm feeling particularly needy. That will just give them more ammunition. You have work to do. You can't—"

"Rodney. Right now, I don't care about 'them'. Only you. The need to be touched, to hang on to yourself won't last too long. By tomorrow probably, touch will still feel good, and you'll still seek it out more than before, but it won't be the almost frightening need to have physical contact that it is now. No one is expecting to see me tonight, so don't worry about anything except what you and I are doing together."

Taking a breath, Rodney lowered his eyes and nodded. "Okay."

"Good boy." John almost purred it, giving Rodney a last caress before letting go, quickly stripping out of his clothing. He climbed into bed and gathered Rodney into his arms, pulling the blanket over them both. "Better?"

Rodney shifted, trying to get as much skin-on-skin contact as possible before letting out a breath, something close to a purr. Mmm. Much better.

John chuckled, and caressed and kissed everything in reach. They weren't the kind of touches meant to arouse, but to comfort, to remind Rodney who he belonged to, who his body responded to.

And Rodney returned the touches, carefully at first, becoming bolder and more comfortable when John's soft sighs encouraged him. At one point, Rodney managed to shove the blanket down with his foot—it was tangling in their legs—and roll them slightly, so he was on the bottom, letting John's body weight hold him in place. God. That just awakened even more nerve endings and he arched into John's touch.

"Rodney..." John sighed his name, made it an endearment and a caress in its own right. "I want you."

"Oh god, yes." If this felt good, that had to feel amazing.

John's touches turned more possessive, more determined. He kissed Rodney's shoulder—the spot where John's mark had lived for a long time, but hadn't been renewed since they had been taken as slaves. "I want to claim you again. I miss making you mine."

John's request made him pause, but he nodded a moment later, wanting to feel.

With a slight tremor, John licked the spot a few times, moaning softly. It was almost delicate the way he finally sucked the skin between his teeth.

But delicate or not, the sensation went right to Rodney's cock and he arched into John, his body responding immediately, intensely. He moaned, his fingers digging into the skin and muscles in John's back.

John groaned right along with him, but he didn't let up, not until there was a dark bruise on Rodney's shoulder again. He kissed it softly, then met Rodney's eyes. "Mine."

Rodney whimpered under the intensity of John's gaze, but nodded. Yes. He was John's. Always would be. "Yours," he whispered.

With a growl, John dove in, claiming Rodney's mouth. A hand had worked between them to fondle a nipple, the sensations making Rodney arch and moan into John's mouth.

He kissed John back, offering everything he could. Their tongues battled, each giving and taking in return until John refused to back down, demanding Rodney's submission. He fought against him until he whimpered and submitted, earning a pleased noise from John and a more aggressive tug on his nipple.

So good. Oh god, so good.

When John broke the kiss, he didn't give Rodney much time to think. He pressed a finger into Rodney's mouth, waiting until Rodney had sucked on it enough to get it wet, then trailed it down, teasing at Rodney's entrance. "Do you want this? Want to feel me stretch you, play with you, then fill you?"

Rodney wrenched open his eyes, staring up into John's dark and aroused eyes. "Please, John. Feels so good…you make me feel so good."

John reached over Rodney's head, and after a moment, the tube of lube from the drawer came into view. John made him watch as he coated one finger, then teased him again for a moment before letting it slip inside.

It was…wow. Just one finger and Rodney was already panting, feeling the digit touch him inside, stroking him from the inside out. He wanted…needed more. "Make it last," he hissed, begging a little, surprising himself.

John hummed. "I can do that. I'll make you fly."

"Please, John, please," Rodney whispered, forcing his arms to lie on the bed next to him, instead of clutching at John.

"God, Rodney... Mine, you're mine..." John's free hand roamed Rodney's body as he continued to finger him.

Rodney arched into John's touches, every now and then needing to remember to put his hands back along his sides. He moaned and whimpered, bearing down on John's finger.

Eventually, a second finger worked its way inside him, and then John found his prostate. Only instead of just brushing against it then moving on, he pushed both fingers against the little gland and held them there, massaging lightly.

Crying out, Rodney arched upward, his orgasm catching him by surprise. He rode out the aftershocks with John's fingers deep inside him, his ass clenching down on the digits. Panting, his head rolled to the side, Rodney opened his eyes to look up at his lover. John was watching him carefully, eyes dilated, body aroused.

God. He wanted John's hands on him again. He reached out, trying to tug John forward, but the pilot wasn't budging.

"You're going to come again tonight."

"Please, John. Touch me, please."

John crooked the fingers still deep inside Rodney's body. "You're going to come again when I bury myself inside you."

Rodney shuddered and whimpered. "Please…"

John lowered his head, catching a nipple in his mouth, teasing it, rolling it against his tongue.

God. The sensation ripped right through his body, tearing a moan from his mouth. This would be so much better with both of John's hands on him. "Plug me….hands free," Rodney panted.

Letting go of the nipple with an obscene slurp, John gave him a heated look. He slipped his hand free and got up to go to their toy drawer. He detoured into the bathroom, cleaning off his hand before digging into the drawer. He returned a moment later with a plug, a vibrator, and a cock ring. "Think you can take something bigger than a plug?"

Rodney knew his eyes were wide and his pupils had to be dilated in arousal. "Yes, oh god yes. Whatever…whatever you think…"

John coated the vibrator with lube, pressing it against Rodney's entrance, but not turning it on yet. "I want to play with you, make you feel so good..."

"Please, John, yes, please. Want you." He was half out of his mind with want and need and the pleasure of John touching him everywhere…

It slipped inside his body, filling him. John gave him a moment to adjust, then he turned it on, the vibrations strong enough that it felt like he could feel them through his entire body.

Rodney moaned and shuddered, digging his ankles into the bed as he arched up, as if he could get away from the vibrations, but oh god…it felt so good. John's hands were on his hips, petting him, touching him, pushing him back down onto the bed.

"Shhhh, I'm here, I'm going to take care of you. Just let go and let me show you how to fly again." The ring was slipped onto his cock, which had started to get hard again.

Forcing his eyes open as his body trembled, he reached for John, trying to tug him down on top of him. "Oh god, John…"

John's hands were everywhere, stroking, touching caressing. He went from light touches to dragging his nails over sensitive parts, with no predictable pattern, moving over Rodney's body at will.

It felt like his body was on fire. Every nerve was on edge and he was trapped, hovering between ignition and combustion—and loving every single spark.

He had forgotten how good it was, how good John was, playing Rodney's body perfectly. Every now and then John moved the vibrator in and out a few times, making Rodney arch and moan. With eyes that had gone almost completely black with need, John caught and held Rodney's gaze as he pushed the vibrator deep again, then licked a wet strip up Rodney's thus-far mostly neglected dick.

Rodney howled, before slumping against the bed panting and moaning. He'd lost any ability for speech, relegated to sounds and murmurs and yells of pleasure.

But John didn't stop. He set about blowing Rodney, sucking out every drop of pleasure that he could, making Rodney keen and squirm and arch, begging for more.

By the time John finally pulled off with a pop, Rodney was sobbing quietly—desperate and needy and hurting. But it was so, so good.

John was panting softly. "Need to be inside you. Now." He pulled the vibrator free, but almost immediately filled Rodney, pressing home.

Rodney moaned, feeling the burn as John filled him, stretching him even further than the vibrator had. He pulled back and thrust in, managing to settle even deeper. Rodney swore he could feel John's cock all the way up into his throat.

One of John's hands wrapped around Rodney's dick, stroking him in time to the thrusts. "God, so tight, so fucking perfect..."

"John…please…" Rodney managed to beg, getting those two words out before moaning as John tagged his prostate.

The ring confining his dick was tugged off. "Come when I do."

Rodney sobbed, trying to hold back.

John picked up the pace, both his thrusts and the strokes. After another few minutes, he moaned, low and deep, hips and wrist stuttering as heat filled Rodney.

As the warmth spread inside, expanding everywhere, it took a few moments before Rodney's brain cells kicked into gear. He could come.

And come he did.

He moaned as his cock emptied out, spraying come thickly between them. John collapsed on top of him even before the aftershocks of Rodney's climax completed, anchoring him to the bed, to John.

Neither of them said anything for a long time, both of them panting. Finally, John raised his head. "Hey, there."

Rodney panted through his open mouth, his entire body limp and sated. Speech…speech wasn't online yet.

John grinned slightly. "We're going to need to get cleaned up. But we can lie for a bit longer."

Rodney shook his head. No getting up. Too tired to get up. He wanted to say that, but it just came out as a vast mess of vowels somehow missing consonants.

John chuckled again, collapsing on top of Rodney again, pressing him into the mattress.

He hummed in contentment, finally managing to breathe through his nose as his heart rate slowed and every muscle in his body relaxed.

One of John's hands skimmed his body, stopping on the new mark. He pressed on it gently. "Mmmmm. I missed seeing this there."

And there were sparks in his eyes from the pressure. Rodney moaned, rolling his head to the side, exposing the line of his neck to John.

John made a soft noise, then licked his way up and down Rodney's neck. He kissed the mark softly. "Love you."

"Love you," he whispered, the vowels and consonants coalescing for the moment.

"Sleep now?"

"Mmmm…if you want."

"Mmm hmmm. We can shower tomorrow."

""kay," Rodney whispered, his eyes already closing. John's body blanketed him, covered him, his cock still nestled inside of him. With a contented sigh, he let himself drift off knowing he was safe; knowing John would take care of him.

***

John leaned against the control console, waiting for the dialing sequence to Earth to start. Since he still had a few minutes before he had to go face the firing squad, he let his mind drift to his lover.

The past two weeks had been a lot better than the month before. Smythe had been sent ahead to start the court martial proceedings, and the threats and assaults had stopped. They still didn't know who the others were, but John was willing to take what he could get at this point.

And Rodney… Against all odds, the pria drug cocktail seemed to have done him good. They weren't back to the full relationship they had had before, but they were getting closer. And sex didn't seem to be a sticking point anymore. God, John hadn't realized how much he had missed not just the physical part of it, but seeing Rodney's eyes go soft and needy when he was aroused, hearing the noises he made…

And if he didn't want to have to explain to the Generals and senior officers waiting on the other side of the gate why he had a hard-on, it was probably a good idea to think of something else.

The object of his affection strolled in, hands waving as he and Zelenka argued about power fluctuations. They were still trying to figure out the mysterious Arcturus project the team had discovered on the one mission they ran before John had to leave for Earth.

He strolled over, catching Rodney's eye. “Hey, mind stepping aside and giving me a last-minute briefing before I go do this? I want to go over your data one more time to make sure I have it straight, since I'm sure they'll try to trip me up.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. "You know it better than me. Ask Zelenka. I need to work on this equation." He offered a quiet smile. They'd said their goodbyes this morning—with Rodney trying to talk him out of going for the twentieth time.

He heard his name called, and made a face. "Looks like that's not an option anymore. Try not to blow anything up until I get back, all right? If all goes well, I'll only be gone a month."

"Sheppard," Rodney called out, catching John's ear, making him pause.

John looked back, wishing he could kiss his lover goodbye one more time. This would be the longest they had been voluntarily apart since getting together. It was going to be rough. "Yeah?"

The words were quiet. "Don't forget my DVDs."

John quirked up a corner of his mouth. "I won't. And I promise I won't trash your apartment too badly. Be safe. I'll see you in a month."

"You better not. If you do, you're paying for the damages."

They kept their eyes locked for another few seconds, saying all the things they couldn't out loud, not in public. With a sigh and another slight wave, John turned again, heading back up the stairs to stand next to his other two teammates, watching Elizabeth order the gate dialed. "Keep an eye on him for me?"

She offered a tight smile and a nod. "I'll do my best, but I have the feeling the thrill of scientific research may take precedence over an old friend."

"Just... don't let him do anything stupid. He does respect you, and while he might argue, he will follow your decisions. Don't let him and Zelenka get so caught up in this thing they forget to do anything else."

"He'll be fine, John. Go and get this thing with Smythe straightened out. And I am expecting chocolate."

He forced a grin, grateful for this distraction, letting him push his nerves down. "Chocolate for you and Teyla, DVDs for Rodney, and knives for Ronon. And scotch for Carson. Am I going to testify or shop?"

"Oh, I think you had better bring chocolate for Rodney, too," she said with a smile as the Canadian technician talked through the initial pleasantries with the SGC.

Taking a deep breath, John picked up his duffel. "All right, kids, try not to get into any trouble without me. Don't take the car out, and no wild parties."

John heard Zelenka making a comment to Rodney about parties and a guy's night out as he was headed down the stairs—pitched just loud enough for John to hear. His radio buzzed a moment later. "Colonel Sheppard, this is the SGC. You're clear for arrival."

Taking another deep breath, he glanced back at his friends and gave a last little wave. Then he turned to the gate. "SGC this is Sheppard. I'm coming through now."

And with that, he stepped through, coming out in another galaxy that no longer felt like home, millions of light years away from his best friend and lover. Behind him, he heard the gate shut down, and in front of him were a lot of people who outranked him. "Sirs." He gave a general salute to everyone.

Carter stepped forward offering a smile and her hand. "Good to see you again, Sheppard. If you come with me, I'll get you out of the way."

He nodded to the assorted generals. "Yes, ma'am. I'll follow you. We both know otherwise I'll be wandering these halls for the next year."

She offered an amused smile as she led him into the corridors of the SGC. "McKay said your sense of direction was pretty abysmal on the ground. I didn't believe him."

He rolled his eyes, glad to be so quickly out of the line of all those eyes. "Knowing him he exaggerated, but I am a better navigator in the air than on the ground. That aside, all these halls look exactly the same. How do you have any idea where you are in this mountain?"

"Practice," she said as they came to a stop before the elevators. She swiped her card through the reader on the side and then stood back, waiting for the car to arrive and looking over John. "I have to bring you to see Doctor Lam before you head anywhere else. We have quarters on base already set up for you as well."

He raised an eyebrow. "Why am I going to see the doctor? And McKay's letting me use his apartment. He knows I'd go stir crazy in less than a day if I didn't know I had someplace to go where I could see sky. Any way I could get a ride out there later?"

"SOP, Sheppard. Should be used to it." She gestured for him to enter the elevator before her and then punched their destination. "So how did you get to crash at McKay's again? Bribe him with chocolate?"

He sighed to himself. He had been hoping that because he was just moving from one base to another, he could avoid yet another exam. Apparently not. "Chocolate and DVDs. And I've been threatened with bodily harm if I don't bring a variety of other gifts for the senior staff. They gave me a list."

Carter chuckled. "I can imagine. I'm sure you can just grab a car from the pool. Check on your way out."

He nodded. "Perfect. What's my schedule going to look like? Is the trial going to be held here?"

She nodded. "Yes. Smythe's been in lock-up here since he arrived and has only had interaction with his lawyer. You have a day to settle in before you need to meet with your legal representative. They'll need that long to go through the latest data burst from McKay and Zelenka."

He swallowed, following her out of the elevator and down another long hall. "Right. Any ideas about what I should expect? I'm guessing this isn't going to be a jaunty romp through the park."

"Honestly, I don't know. Everything is highly classified and no one's talking. You probably know the most. You and the legal counsel."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "See, that doesn't make me feel any better."

Carter shrugged as they walked into the infirmary. "If I had a better answer, I'd give it to you. Do you need me to find you after this or can you make your way to the surface without me?"

He tried to remember how they gotten here, and felt a flush staining his cheeks. "Ah... if you could have someone show me the way back to the elevators, I'd appreciate it."

She turned and pointed. "Straight down the hall to the end. Use your SGC ID for the swipe. Take it all the way up. Switch to the secondary bank and take it to the top."

He nodded. "Thanks. I'm assuming I'll see you tomorrow for the briefings then? What time do I report back here?"

"I don't know that." She pursed her lips. "You should have gotten that before you came home."

He shook his head. "I was told I was coming through to testify. And that's about it."

"Let me see if I can track down your schedule."

He nodded again, catching another woman he recognized as the SGC's version of Beckett bearing down on them. "If not, I'll try to track down your helpful, psychic Sergeant again. Maybe this time I can lure him to Atlantis."

Carter laughed. "Sergeant Harriman? I doubt it."

"But that won't stop me from trying." He grinned, then gave her a salute. "Looks like I'm being summoned for, as McKay would put it, the ritual blood-letting. I'll catch you later, Colonel. And thanks again."

Carter's mouth turned up in a smile as he headed into the hall. John turned to Doctor Lam offering his own smile to her.

"Colonel Sheppard, you're right on time."

"Ma'am. Where would you like me?" He hoped this wouldn't take long, and that the records Beckett had sent would be sufficient for the trial, given that pria was part of the case.

"Put down your duffel in the corner at just hop up on the bed. This shouldn't take long."

He did as he was told, taking his jacket off as well to bare his arms. She wasn't as chatty and personable as Carson, and he found he missed the banter.

As she pulled the blood pressure cuff free of his arm, she offered a smile. "All right, Colonel. You seem to be in pretty good health. Pressure a little high, but within your normal limits. Take some time tomorrow to relax and if you need anything feel free to head back down here and ask."

He hopped down. "Thanks. And honestly, does anyone around here not have high blood pressure?" They joked a bit more, and then he found himself once more in the halls, hoping he was headed the right direction for the elevators. And he still had no idea what time he was reporting tomorrow. He wondered if he should make an attempt to find General Landry's office.

"Colonel?"

This place should take a page from Disney's book and put maps up all over the place. "Hmm?" He glanced up to see who was calling him.

Walter Harriman was standing behind him, offering a thick envelope. "Colonel Carter said you needed a copy of your orders."

"Ah, Sergeant! Yes, I wasn't given any orders before I stepped through the gate, so I was just trying to figure out how to get to the General's office to see about getting a set. Thanks. Change your mind yet about moving to Atlantis?"

"It seems like some wires got crossed. I apologize for that," he said. "And no, sir. I still plan on calling the SGC my home. You need to get a car from the pool? I assume you're staying at Doctor McKay's apartment. We do have a room set up on base if you'd prefer."

John couldn't help the shudder. "If I had to spend a week locked underground, I'd go nuts. So yeah, I'm headed to McKay's. Am I needed for anything else here today, or am I free to go and get settled?"

"If Doctor Lam released you, you're good to go. Oh," he said, digging in his pocket. "A cell phone for you. The SGC is programmed in already."

John took it, slipping it into his pocket. "Perfect. Thanks again." He made his way to the surface and managed to get a car with relatively little difficulty. He even managed not to get too lost trying to find Rodney's apartment, immediately programming it into the GPS once he arrived—just to be safe. The apartment had been cleaned recently, so apparently Rodney had remembered to have it aired for him.

After checking his orders to see that he wasn't expected until 1000 the next day for the first round of debriefs and briefings, John found himself at odds. He was used to a twenty-seven-hour day, and he had left early morning Atlantis time. He found himself standing in the middle of the apartment, feeling a little lost and missing Rodney so much it hurt.

In any other circumstance, this would have been a dream come true. A day to relax, to rest. No worries, not troubles. No nothing. Instead, all he wanted to do was go home.

Sighing, he dropped onto the couch and pulled out the cell phone, staring at it for a minute. Hell, if he was going to be stranded somewhere, at least he could try to find a friendly person to talk to. He dialed Peter and Harry's number, impressed he still had it memorized, and knowing it was early enough that they should be home, but late enough that he, hopefully, wouldn't be interrupting anything.

Harry answered, obviously in the middle of a conversation. "…sure why you want that mango ice cream. It was horrible when we tried it at the tasting. Hello?"

"Hey. It's, um, John. Hi."

"Johnny? Is it really you?"

Rolling his eyes, John relaxed back into the couch, grinning a little. "Yeah. Hey! I'm in Colorado to testify in a court martial for the next week and bored out of my mind already—just got in today—so I figured I'd call and harass someone. You won the lucky drawing."

"Oh god, Johnny, it is you." Harry yelled for his partner, most of the sound ending up in John's ear. He pulled the phone away until he stopped screaming. "Peter! Peter, pick up! It's Johnny. So, how is Rodney? Put him on. I want to talk to him."

John winced. "Unfortunately he's not here. Part of the reason I'm both bored silly and homesick already. He's still on base. I was the only one sent for this thing. I'll be in briefings and shit all day every day, but as of now my schedule ends at 1800 every day, leaving me lounging around an empty apartment. What have you guys been up to since I saw you last? How's the club?"

"You're alone? That's just unfair. You should be allowed to bring your spouse with you." Harry was a little dense sometimes. "We need a vacation. We should come down."

"Ah, technically no one knows we're together. Don't Ask Don't Tell, remember? And I'll be in briefings all day, and I'm only in town for a week..." He didn't want them wasting a trip if he wouldn't be around much, but on the other hand, he was pretty lonely and it would be nice to see them.

"Where is Peter? He should be on the phone. I was just talking to him," Harry muttered. "And oh yes. Silly regulations. And it's early yet. We can probably be there in time for dinner."

John blinked. "Today you mean? Don't you guys have to open the club?"

"We can have the staff open it. We don't have to baby-sit the club when you're around."

John smiled at the ceiling. "I wouldn't say no, because honestly I'd like the company and the chance to catch up. You could explore the great state of Colorado during the day while I'm in meetings, and we can spend the evenings chatting. Rodney's place even has a guest room."

"I'll have Peter toss some stuff in a bag and we'll head to the airport. How much could two tickets run? A few thousand?" John could see the absent hand-wave Harry would make at the mention of the price. "Now if I could find Peter… Peter!"

John couldn't help but laugh. "God, Harry, I've missed you. Tell you what, the airport is about an hour drive from here. Let me know what flight you're on, and I'll meet you there to pick you up."

"Mmm. There's a great restaurant in Denver…food to die for. Where did Peter go?" Harry sighed. "Give me your cell number. I'll call you back with flight information. We're going to try for the next flight out."

John blinked. "Ah, cell number. Hang on, I'm guessing they wrote it in the paperwork I got handed on the way out." He flipped through until he found a sheet in what was probably Walter's handwriting, with information including the cell number. He gave it to Harry, who promised to call right back.

A few hours later, John found himself at the Denver airport, leaning against the car outside baggage claim, waiting for his friends. They had managed to get on a pretty early flight, so it was only 5:30—just in time for dinner, like Harry had said.

He'd spent the afternoon driving around—and trying not to get lost—before he headed to the airport in Denver. It was weird to be driving again.

John heard Harry long before he saw them.

"Can you believe that woman? I couldn't believe she was telling me how to dress. Did you see her? That black sweater set was so…lame."

Muscles John hadn't realized were tense uncurled, and he found himself grinning hugely when the mis-matched pair came into sight. He waved to catch their attention. "I don't know, Harry, what's wrong with black?"

"Johnny!" God. John was certain you could hear that shriek all the way in Canada.

He found himself engulfed by two men, tossed around between them. He found himself laughing hard. "Christ, hi! It's good to see you guys! How was the flight?"

"Horrible. We had to fly coach," Harry replied, totally ghosting over Peter's "fine."

Shaking his head, John waved them into the car. "Ugh, you have my sympathies. When I retire, the first thing on the agenda is getting my own charter jet to avoid ever having to fly coach again. Get in. We can catch up over dinner. In the mood for anything in particular?"

Peter glanced over at Harry, a raised eyebrow shutting up the other man before he could start. "We were thinking of a new restaurant here in Denver. It's quiet and run by a friend of ours."

John nodded, smiling. "Sounds good to me. Give me the address and I'll punch it in to the GPS."

Harry's slightly more subdued voice read off the address from the crumpled remains of a Post-It note and then they were on their way before the approaching cop could yell at them for staying too long by the curb.

God. It was so nice to see them.

They chatted about meaningless stuff for the ride over, catching up on the trivial matters because they all knew the more important stuff would probably come out over dinners the next few days. John followed the mechanical voice—a little creeped out by how much like Hermiod it sounded—pulling into a fairly nondescript parking lot. He glanced over at Peter in the passenger seat. "This the right place?"

"Yes," he said after a minute, his eyes scanning the building. He shifted in his seat to look back at Harry. "George said to park in back, right?"

At Harry's nod, and Peter's directions, John found the back lot and parked the car. Following the other two men toward the building. "Do I know George?"

"Probably not. He hasn't been to Vegas in years. He's a friend of Harry's from way back," Peter answered, pulling open the door as Harry stepped inside first. "He's been in Asia for…how many years?"

"Ten…fifteen? Something like that," Harry answered, peering around the darkened interior of the restaurant.

"Huh." John watched Harry flutter inside, looking for George. He glanced over at Peter. "Sorry to drag you out here on short notice—when I called to say hi I didn't expect Harry to take it that far—but in case I forget to tell you later, thanks. I'm really glad you're here."

"You should have told us you were coming. We would have been in earlier. It's time we got away from Vegas for a while."

The corner of John's lips curved up. "If I had known, I would have told you. This was all pretty sudden. I don't know if Harry told you, but I'm actually in town to testify in the court martial of one of the men who was under my command. These kinds of things tend to move pretty fast once they get started. I only found out I was coming to Colorado about two weeks ago."

"What happened?" Peter asked as he leaned against the hostess stand. The restaurant was empty which was striking John as very odd.

He figured Peter would tell him what was going on in good time. For now he just enjoyed his friend's company. "A lot of it is classified. But the short version is that he first was threatening me, and then later Rodney. I was... assaulted... twice, and Rodney once—and that was when we finally caught him with enough evidence to push the trial. Fortunately we stopped it before Rodney was injured."

"Assaulted?" Peter's face turned dark and sad. "John, not like that…Rodney—"

John sighed, slumping a little. "Yeah, exactly how you're thinking, at least for me. We stopped it before he could do the same to Rodney, although we didn't get there in time to stop the guy from drugging him. On the mission I told you about that my team was captured? Part of the fall out was that I came home addicted to a pretty powerful drug. The soldier got hold of some of it and concentrated it. I'm just lucky he didn't have time to do anything to Rodney, and that ultimately finally led to us having enough evidence to bring him to trial."

"And you're here without Rodney after that kind of traumatic event?" John could feel Peter's displeasure.

"Which one?" John glanced at the restaurant, wondering where Harry had gone. "We've been more or less inseparable since we were brought home originally. Bizarrely enough, this last," he waved his hand in a very Rodney-esque gesture, "thing, has been good for us. We were both a little delicate there for a while, but this has let us clear the air. And as for why I'm here without him," John shrugged. "No choice. I was given orders. I might not like it, but disobeying would mean going AWOL and officially losing my place on the base. I charged the rest of my team with keeping an eye on him, but it's killing me to be so far apart."

"Which one? John, you're his top and—"

John looked over at his friend, letting him see just how tired he was. "Right now, no, I'm not. We haven't been able to have that kind of relationship since the whole classified incident thing. Rodney was badly used and couldn't even stand to be touched for a while. I was kept drugged out of my mind and used as a sex toy for several weeks before they found me. It's a testament to how much we love each other than we've managed to stay together at all. And we're getting there, slowly. I'm starting to feel like a dom again, and he's actually started to let me touch him again."

Peter's face fell. "John. Oh god, I didn't know."

He gave the other man a small smile. "How could you? It's been... hard. In a lot of ways. I still struggle with cravings—it took weeks of being tied to a bed in the infirmary for them to wean me off them—and I'm a lot more sensitive to touch than I used to be. Rodney's just, in the last few weeks, actually been able to get aroused and interested in being physical again. It's almost funny. We couldn't have had more opposite problems if we tried, but... We're still together. And stronger for it, in a lot of ways. I think we've proven to ourselves that it's not just about the sex, that we just enjoy each other's company, too."

"That's good. That's really more important in the long run." Peter looked at John for a long moment. "But then, if the sex's real good…"

Laughing, John relaxed again. "God, yes. And I've missed that part of it, especially given what my body got used to for a while there. But I told him early on that if he never got to the point where he wanted it again, that was fine, and I meant it. I'm glad it didn't come to that, though. And to be honest, I think we're moving back to a dom/sub thing again. I'm too possessive and he likes being submissive too much for us not to, eventually. And where the hell did Harry go?"

"The kitchen probably." Peter shrugged. "Want to find our table?"

"Sure. I suppose there's a reason there aren't any other customers?"

"The place is closed on Mondays. Harry called ahead."

John blinked. "So we're having a private party?"

"Just the three of us, yes," Peter said, wandering into the main section. There was one table back toward the kitchen laid with plates and silverware, the hurricane lamp lit in the center.

"Nice." John grinned. "This is a pretty swanky place. Next time Rodney and I have leave together, I'll have to bring him here."

"Just let us know and George will get you right in."

"Supposedly, we get leave once a year. I'm hoping to bring the whole team next time. It remains to be seen whether I can pull enough strings to pull that off." They sat down and John relaxed further, chatting amiably with Peter, sharing stories about his team and friends that wouldn't give away classified information.

Harry finally appeared with a rather large man trailing behind with stains on his otherwise pristine apron. John got introduced to George and then dinner was served. It was an Asian Fusion menu and everything was absolutely amazing.

By the end of the meal, they were all pleasantly full—and John had managed to pull George aside to give him several hundred in cash to cover the meal. His friends had flown in to see him, he wasn't going to let them pay. Making his way back to the table, he stretched a bit. "Ready to head to the apartment? We have to figure out how you guys are going to get around while I'm on base during the day. I'm using a loaner car, but I know Rodney has one somewhere. If you want to drive in with me tomorrow, I can see about getting it out of the lot for you to use. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"We have a rental coming to the apartment in the morning," Peter said, stretching before he found his feet. "And we still have a drive ahead of us tonight."

"It's not too bad, about an hour, and perfect. I promise not to drive too fast."

"I know you won't," he said shooting John a knowing look. After thanking George profusely, they headed out. Thanks to the "Asgard" GPS they got home without an incident and the first thing Harry did was search out the master bedroom.

"Oh this is lovely. Absolutely lovely."

John followed him in, and beamed. "Yeah, I'm still trying to think of a way to really thank you guys for this. We made good use of it between the vacation and when we officially shipped back, and I have a lot of plans for next time." John touched one of the posts and had a stab of longing for his lover.

Harry chuckled, pinning John with a wide smile. "This was a brilliant idea."

"Get one for yourselves too?" John grinned right back.

"No. We're not into the harder stuff. Would be a waste of money for us." Harry shrugged. "We'd rather spend it on you even if you don't use it very often."

Shaking his head, John sat on the edge of the bed. "We use it as often as possible, and I do have plans. When we retire, I want to get a little cottage in Hawaii, with enough space for Rodney to have a lab to putter in. Buy my plane and keep it in a local hangar. Sleep in this bed every night curled up with him, and wake up every morning to the sound and the smell of the ocean."

Harry smiled. "Good. Make sure you invite us over regularly."

"You'll have your own room. And I'll fly out to pick you up any time you want. You've never actually flown with me now that I think about it, have you?"

"No, we haven't," Peter said poking his head in. "And I'm sure John needs to be up early. It's already midnight."

"We'll have to fix that next time. It's the most amazing thing in the world, to be in the air." John let his expression go dreamy for a moment before he snapped himself out of it. "And yeah. Lemme give you the rest of the whirlwind tour, then I need to crash. I won't wake you up when I leave in the morning. My briefings are scheduled to end at 1800, so I should be home by 1900 at the latest."

Peter nodded as John led them through the apartment, pointing out everything before saying goodnight as they settled into the couch in the living room, the TV on low.

He managed to fall asleep and stumble into the shower somewhat on time the next morning. There was no sign of Harry or Peter, so John scrawled a quick note and left for the day. Today was the debrief, where he caught Landry and other interested parties up on what had been happening in Pegasus since the last time they all got together. It was mercifully over on time, and John managed to escape the caverns of the SGC without feeling too much like he had been hit by a truck. He wondered what Peter and Harry had done for the day, and what they would be interested in for dinner.

When he entered the apartment, he could smell food and his stomach rumbled.

"Wow, that smells amazing, and who do I have to beg to get a plate?" He dropped his keys in the basket Rodney kept by the door.

Harry pointed over his shoulder and into the kitchen from where he was sitting on the couch. "Blame Peter. He wanted to cook. I was perfectly happy with take-out. He insisted."

"I'd kiss him, except then I'd have both you and Rodney to contend with, and I'm not sure I'd survive." John grinned at the squawking noise Harry made and meandered into the kitchen.

"Good plan, John. You're not my type," Peter said with a chuckle. "Hungry?"

"Starved. They fed me lunch, but that was hours ago." John hopped up on the counter. "Need any help with anything?"

"Set the table? I have yet to figure out Rodney's organization methods."

John laughed and went to the cabinets. "It makes sense if you think like an astrophysicist. Everything is arranged by the mathematical composition of the materials it's made of."

Peter turned, looking at John with a raised eyebrow. "I have never, nor ever will, think like an astrophysicist."

John just laughed again. God, he was so glad they were here. "I didn't before Rodney, but after a while it starts to make a scary amount of sense."

"Better you than me, John. Better you than me." He turned back to the stove, turning off the burner. "Harry, you eating?" he called out, making sure he was loud enough to be heard over the television.

Instead of a reply, Hurricane Harry blew into the room, already talking. John set the table and watched them, knowing he probably had a dopey grin on his face but not caring. It was funny. He had managed to get most of the way healed at home, on Atlantis. But this was what he had needed to fit the last pieces of himself back into place.

Peter clapped him on the shoulder. "You still with us?"

"Yeah. I think, for the first time in months, I really am." He bumped the other man with his shoulder and stole a roll from the plate he was holding.

Laughing, Harry passed John the butter.

They chatted and gossiped, Peter and Harry talking about their day, and John doing bad impressions of Landry to amuse them. They had finished dessert and were at the lounge around stage when the doorbell rang. Raising an eyebrow, John looked at them. "Were you expecting anyone?"

Both Peter and Harry shook their heads. "We only know you here," Harry said, before pausing. "Well, not including Andrew and Alexis and Sandra and her husband of the day…but we didn't tell them we're here."

John shook his head and grinned at Harry, rising to his feet. Almost absently he pulled the 9 mil he had made Rodney buy to keep in the apartment out of its drawer and stuffed it into the waistband of his jeans, under his shirt. You never knew. When he answered it though, it was Sam Carter and Cameron Mitchell. "Um, hi? Did I forget something on base?"

Cameron leaned forward, offering his hand. "Nah. Just making sure you're all settled in. You cooking again?"

He stepped aside to let them come in, shaking Mitchell's hand. "Not me this time. A couple of friends flew into town to spend the evenings with me, since we don't get a chance to catch up very often. They're both pretty good cooks." He could practically hear the curiosity both from the two at the door and from the kitchen. "Come on in, I'll introduce you."

"You didn't mention anything about friends yesterday, Sheppard," Carter said with a smile as she followed John and Cameron toward the kitchen. John could hear someone banging around in there.

"I called to say hi, and they decided to come visit. Peter and Harry, this is Colonels Sam Carter and Cameron Mitchell. They're on the same project as me, only stationed here at the base in Colorado."

The kitchen table had been re-set, two plates and silverware added. Peter was still up, grabbing glasses from the cupboard. He offered a tentative smile compared to Harry's blinding one. "More friends of John's," he said, and Carter found herself enveloped in a hug a moment later.

Raising an eyebrow, John just shook his head. It looked like they were inviting Carter and Mitchell to dinner. He laughed when Harry moved on to Cameron, then shuffled both of them into seats, before turning to John to herd him back into his own. "They got to meet Rodney last time we were in town. Harry and Peter have been my surrogate family for the better part of my life."

"So are these the same Harry and Peter that took those pictures Rodney had?" Carter asked, her eyes wide as food appeared on her place. "And we really didn't stop here to mooch food off of you."

"Shit, I had forgotten about those pictures." He held back a chuckle as Harry bowled him over.

"Oh honey, there's no way we'd let Johnny have friends over and not feed them! Eat! You look like you could use a good meal."

Carter rolled her eyes, but did as Harry told her while Peter got drinks: a glass of wine for Carter—where did that come from?—and a beer for Cameron.

They settled back down around the table, and John wished desperately that Rodney was here, too. But he would see his lover again in a few weeks.

"So, you work with Johnny? Do you fly too?" Harry had finished eating, so he was leaning forward, avid curiosity all over his face.

"When we get the chance, yes," Cameron answered around a mouthful of food.

"When you get the chance?" Peter raised an eyebrow. "John's been good at avoiding talking about what he does. I suppose you can't talk about it because it's classified, hmmm?"

"We do what the job calls for," Cameron said with a shrug.

"So you own a club?" Carter asked, trying to derail the topic.

Harry sat up straight and launched into one of his favorite subjects, talking about the club. "Oh my yes, and if you're ever in Vegas you are more than welcome to stop by!"

"Tell me about it," Carter said, offering Harry a smile.

As Harry described the club, John watched Carter and Mitchell slowly get that it was very much a gay bar. He was more than a little amused by their reactions, leaning back in his chair and just listening, a small smile on his face.

Carter sent him a long look at one point, but didn't say anything, keeping up the conversation with Harry. Peter was strangely quiet as well, simply watching Carter and Mitchell.

They all chatted for a while, until it started to get late. John stretched, standing up. "Well guys, as much as I hate to break up the party, I have to be back in the mountain at 0900 tomorrow."

Carter and Mitchell rose immediately. "Yeah. The lawyers all flew in tonight," Sam said.

John ran a hand through his hair. "Great. So tomorrow the real fun begins."

"As much fun as a man is allowed to have in these kinds of circumstances," Mitchell said with a smirk. "Smythe seems to be a piece of work."

John hoped no one saw the faint shudder that went through him. "You have no idea. I'll be glad to finally be done with him."

Carter was already standing by the door, her purse in one hand, keys in the other. "Thanks again for dinner. It was fantastic," she said, looking past John toward Harry and Peter. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

Peter shook both their hands. "Same for you. It's nice to know our John has some good people looking out for him."

After several handshakes, they were gone, John closing and locking the door behind them before turning to Peter. Harry had already padded back into the kitchen and John could hear him cleaning up.

John raised an eyebrow at Peter. "Yes?"

"Are they actually friends of yours?"

"More or less." They moved into the kitchen, John leaning against the counter. "I don't see them all that often, but in a way they're Rodney and my counterparts here. And they've watched out for us when we're in town—like coming by to check up tonight. Our base is like a different world, so readjusting can be a bit hard sometimes."

Peter nodded, making a small noise to let John know he'd heard him. "She's a smart one."

"As smart as Rodney from what I can tell. They've been rivals for years now, long before I met either of them, although the last few years it's been more friendly rivalry than anything else."

"Rivals?"

"Well, competitors. Carter's been in the program longer than McKay has, and she's the golden girl. He didn't take too well to that and…well, you've seen him. He can be obnoxious when he puts his mind to it. But lately it's more of a friendly sort of thing. She looks out for him when he's here, and through him, her and her team have sort of adopted me too I guess. They're both so brilliant that no one else can keep up with them."

"Mmm," he said, drying a few of the dishes that wouldn't fit in the dishwasher. "They seemed nice enough."

"Yeah." John grinned, lazy, and stretched. "And I really do need to get to bed. If I'm in with lawyers tomorrow, I need to be at my best."

"We'll clean up here. Go get some sleep," Peter said, gesturing to the master bedroom and the open door, and the bed you could see from the kitchen table.

With a quick hug to each of them and another thanks, John did as he was told.

The next day was hard, in a lot of ways. Both lawyers wanted to talk to him, grill him, with Generals popping in and out, and a hell of a lot of innuendo. Smythe had been talking, and while no one said it outright, John was pretty sure pria, and his reaction to it, was going to be at least a part of the trial. Smythe's people were going to try to discredit him by using that. Joy. When he was allowed to leave for the day, he drove home automatically, suddenly looking up and finding himself in the parking lot. Huh.

The apartment was empty when he got home, Peter and Harry obviously still out for the day. A note on the counter let him know that they were enjoying the outdoors and would be back—if they didn't get too lost.

But that also meant he was on his own for dinner.

He poked around in the fridge, heating up leftovers from the night before, then crashed on the couch, flipping through channels until he got to a bad 80s movie marathon. This would work.

He was startled awake at some point later, the remote falling off his chest and tumbling onto the floor. Harry was whispering—loudly—about something and Peter was trying to tell him to be quiet. Yeah. That wasn't working.

"Hey. How was the great outdoors?" John pushed himself up, blinking a bit blearily at a clock trying to figure out what time it was.

"Oh, you woke him," Harry said accusingly to Peter. "Why did you have to be so loud?"

"I woke him?" Peter just stared at his partner.

John chuckled. "S'ok, Harry. I should probably move to the bed anyway."

"We have Chinese take-out if you didn't eat yet," Peter said, raising two large bags. "Saw the menu on the fridge and figured we'd bring it with us incase we were too late to cook."

"What time is it?" John pushed himself up off the couch. "I nibbled on leftovers when I got in, but I didn't eat much. I won't turn down a little snack."

"Uh…little after eight I think," Peter said. Harry was already in the kitchen, digging in the fridge. It was odd in a way that they'd made themselves so much at home.

"Wow, feels later." John wandered in behind them, flopping into a chair. "What did you guys see today?"

"Trees, rocks, trees, dirt," Harry said from the depths of the fridge.

Peter chuckled. "It was good to get out and breathe some air that wasn't recycled, Harry."

John chuckled. "Fresh air, clear blue sky, stretching the muscles, it doesn't get any better than that."

"That's what spas and oxygen bars are for," Harry complained, puling out a beer.

John shared an eye roll with Peter, stealing an egg roll out of a nearby carton. "There is no substitute for exercise. One of these days the four of us—I'd bring Rodney—should go camping somewhere. Harry and Rodney can commiserate about how horrible the outdoors is while Peter and I go hiking."

Peter laughed. "As soon as you set it up, tell me. Harry and I will join you in a heartbeat."

John grinned at him. "You're on. Next time we get leave at the same time, I'll give you a call. There are some great state parks with killer hiking trails in the mid-west."

Harry groaned, a chopstick full of chicken and broccoli on his way to his mouth. "Sheer torture. I will only go if we're staying in a five-star resort."

"With wireless access. That would be Rodney's requirement. Peter, we can set the two of them up somewhere and ditch them while we get our nature fix in."

"Oh no. Where I go, Harry goes and Harry," Peter sent a look across the table, "knows that."

John laughed at the put-upon look Harry shot back, but he didn't contradict. "Fair enough. And that gives me more ammunition to convince Rodney it's a good idea."

"That was one of the reasons I was surprised Rodney wasn't here. I didn't think you'd leave him alone. You said it's going to be a month before you see him again?"

John nodded, picking at another egg roll. "Yeah, and believe me, it wasn't by choice. But if we want to make this case stick, they needed me here to testify as both a victim and his CO. Unfortunately, since Rodney's a civilian, he couldn't participate other than giving a sworn statement, so there was no reason for him to come. But it sucks being apart like this."

"But I thought he was also a victim in this as well."

"He is, but it's a military trial. And Smythe isn't being court-martialed for that, or not only for that. They're focusing on the mutiny aspect, which is all military. The assault charges are being used as ways to back up that he was willing to do anything to push me out of power."

"So the assault is secondary?"

John nodded. "Yes. He didn't actually.... He only drugged Rodney, but didn't touch him. And for me, he was the one I saw, but again, he only drugged me. It was others who did the rest, and to be honest we still don't know who they are. I was kept blindfolded and Smythe was the front-man."

"So they're still on base with Rodney?"

"They've gone to ground. My XO, Lorne, ran into dead ends across the board investigating. I have a feeling Smythe went a little too far too fast, so the others, whatever their plan is, are going to wait for this to blow over. Until they make another move, though, we can't do anything except stay alert."

Peter nodded, spending the next few minutes eating his General Tso's chicken, rolling a piece in the fried rice so the grains stuck to it. "How long is the trial—or your part in it?"

"Not long, hopefully. From what I've been told, tomorrow they'll finish briefing me in the morning, and then tomorrow afternoon into the following day will be my testimony. As of now, my transport back to base is scheduled to leave in four more days, although if I'm needed longer it will be delayed. The worst part will probably be tomorrow afternoon. The lawyers for the other side are going to try to discredit me from the start, so that's where most of the attacks will come. Assuming I get through that without too many singe marks, it will just be answering fact-based questions for the rest of the time."

"If we're crowding you or you need some alone time, just let us know," Peter said, holding John's eyes for a moment before turning back to his dinner. "I know having us here is probably not helping in certain ways. You always look a little lost."

John reached out, catching Peter's arm. "Don't leave. I... believe it or, not, it's just the opposite. It helps, knowing I'm not coming home to an empty apartment, and without you guys here I wouldn't have anything to distract me from how much I miss Rodney. This isn't the best of circumstances, but I'm glad we're getting some time to catch up. We didn't get a whole lot of that in Vegas, since I was introducing you to Rodney for the first time."

"Are you sure? I know how…overwhelming my partner can be when he gets his mind around something."

John grinned, expanding it to include a spluttering Harry. "I'm sure. You guys are exactly what I needed."

"You never complain when I overwhelm—" Harry started to say only to be cut off by Peter's laugh.

"We're fine, Harry. We both know how you can get."

John stood up to help start putting away the leftovers, laughing softly. "I'm not sure I should be hearing that particular conversation."

"Why not?" Harry teased. "It's not like we bought you a bondage bed as a wedding gift or anything."

John wiggled his eyebrows. "And I could tell you all the varied and interesting ways said bed can be used, but do you really want to hear about it?"

Harry leaned back, looking up at John with wide eyes. "Yes, please let us know. We need to know if our purchase was appreciated and being used to the fullest."

Taking it as a challenge, John set about describing various ways the bed could be used—hypothetically speaking of course. He and Harry spent the next half hour trying to out-do each other with more outrageous ways to use the bed, until Peter finally stepped in.

"Enough already. There's no point in getting John so worked up when he can't do anything about it."

John did find he was half-hard and missing Rodney even more, but he was grinning, too. "Guess I'll have to use the toys to take the edge off. Wouldn't want to pounce on Rodney as soon as I get back on base."

"Probably not recommended," Peter agreed. "Especially with the types you work for."

They continued to joke until heading off to bed—and John did use one of the toys they had bought for the apartment to get himself off and relaxed enough for sleep.

The next day went about as well as he thought it would—which is to say he spent half of it defending himself and the other half being pissed that he had to—until one of Smythe's lawyers, a slimy guy, suddenly decided the whole pria thing was a joke. He was motioning the court to have John try a sample Beckett had sent over as part of their documentation to prove it didn't do anything. They adjourned for the day on that note, and John was practically vibrating with fury.

He was only vaguely aware that Carter and Mitchell, who had been sitting near the back listening in, he thought, followed him into the elevators and up to the surface. He didn't fight when his keys were taken, but he didn't say anything either. When they arrived at the apartment, he stalked into the master suite, leaving SG1 to explain some of what was going on to Peter and Harry while he tried to get control of his temper.

It was Peter who finally braved the bedroom, knocking once and entering, closing the door behind him. He watched John for a moment before speaking. "Need to yell at someone?"

John paced the floor, unable to sit still. "I'm not a fucking whore. That's the argument they're using, that the pria is fake, and I'm using it as an excuse, and this whole fucking thing is some way to get even with Smythe for supposedly threatening to expose me." He threw a punch at the wall, hard.

Peter was quiet, calm. "Why are the lawyers bringing up the incident with the…pria? I'm guessing it's a drug of some sort. The one you were addicted to?"

"Yes." John growled it. "Because Smythe fucking gave it to me and to Rodney. It's the drug he used. And it's what he told his fucking lawyers, the excuse he gave them. They want to fucking prove it does what I say it does."

"I'm sure there are medical records to prove its effects."

"They have all my records, but they're hinting that Beckett doctored them to cover for me. It's all bullshit, and everyone there knows it's bullshit. But who knows where Smythe found these guys defending him. They're the ones pushing for proof. We had to break so my fucking lawyers can find a way to prove it's a real drug without forcing me to take it by tomorrow. Fuck!" John threw another punch at the wall, only holding back enough to keep from breaking his hand.

"Have any other doctors done research on this drug that was not Beckett?"

"No." John slid down the wall, putting his head in his hands. He knew the SGC people would find a way to ensure he didn't have to take a drug he was on record as addicted to in front of an open court, but that didn't change the way his stomach recoiled at the thought, the way his skin crawled at the insinuating looks Smythe's lawyers had sent his way.

"Well, that's silly. Of course there are other doctors. I'm sure your lawyers are already talking to them, bringing them in for their expert testimony." Peter moved quietly through the room, settling on the edge of the bed. "These…insinuations…is that what's really bothering you?"

"I'm not a fucking whore. But the pria... it turned me into one. I can't... all that matters is being touched, caressed, fucked. I'm desperate for it. And they're saying I'm fucking faking it, and they want to force me to take it in front of an audience. God..." He was going to be sick. "I can't. Not again. It took me months to get the cravings under control enough to not want it all the time. I can't... not again..."

"And they won't make you. They can't."

John tried to force himself to take deep breaths. "I know. They'll find a way around it, but even the thought... God. I wish I dared get plastered tonight."

"No, John. That's not the answer." Peter was quiet for a moment, before lifting his head. "Do you need company tonight?"

John looked up, not sure he understood. "Company?"

"I know how stressful it can be to sleep alone after so long with someone. If you needed someone, just so you're not alone, we'd be more than willing to help."

John stared at him for a moment, then nodded slowly, aware that he was only a few seconds away from a meltdown. He wanted Rodney, but since his lover wasn't here, he would take comfort where it was offered. He almost didn't recognize his own voice when he finally managed to get it working again. "Please, yes, god, please..."

"Strip down to what you're comfortable with and get in bed. I'll get Harry and bring you dinner. No arguments." Peter rose to his feet, padding away and closing the door behind him.

John sat on the floor for another minute, taking deep breaths. Slowly, he pushed himself up and stripped down to his boxers, which was how he slept when he wasn't with Rodney. Glancing down at his hand, he sighed and went into the bathroom to see if Rodney had any Ace bandages he could wrap it with.

He was still digging through the cabinet under the bathroom sink when the bedroom door opened and Harry walked in, talking the entire time. "…told me to make sure you were….John? Please don't tell me you snuck out the window. Peter's going to kill me and it's not exactly an easy climb down to the ground from up here…"

Despite himself, John chuckled. "I'm in here. I had a minor disagreement with the wall. I'm trying to find something to wrap my hand with." He popped his head out the door as he talked, spotting his friend standing in the middle of the room.

"Oh. You're in there," Harry said, shaking his head before moving past John into the bathroom. He started digging around with his two good hands, finding the ace bandage John was looking for. He wrapped John's hand quickly, efficiently before pointing him to the bed. "Peter's coming with dinner and then you're sleeping."

John nodded, letting himself be led. It was amazingly comforting to have Harry and Peter here, and he shuddered to think how he would have faced this alone. "Thanks. And yeah, I think the adrenaline and anger are starting to wear off. It's been a long fucking day. Since I didn't drive myself home, did anyone mention how I'm getting back to base tomorrow? Are Carter and Mitchell still here?"

"They're gone, but Sam mentioned something about a car. She left a note."

"Anything I need to read now?" He was herded into the bed, and had to smile a little at how Harry fussed over him.

"No," he said, tugging up the sheet and blanket, fluffing the pillows. Peter entered with a tray a moment later—water, a turkey sandwich, and a small salad on top. He set it on John's legs and told him to eat and was gone again a moment later.

John raised an eyebrow at Harry. "Did I piss him off, or have I just managed to bring out his bossy side for the evening?"

Harry glanced over his shoulder for a moment before turning back to John. He sat on the bed, pulling his knee up. "It's not you. He doesn't particularly like the military and this is one of the reasons why. He's not mad at you. He's a little…ticked off at the situation. So yeah." Harry shrugged. "Sorry."

John picked at the salad, then turned to the sandwich. "I know how he feels. If I didn't feel so strongly about protecting my people... I guess it's not really surprising that the pria was brought into it. I was warned to expect something, but none of us anticipated this. I know I won't actually have to be drugged in an open court, but even the idea makes me want to hit things."

"You did that already and it didn't help," Harry said, his eyes drifting down to John's wrapped hand. "Why don't you finish eating? I need to get myself ready for bed. And this mattress feels amazing. Is this what came with the bed?"

Chuckling again, John shook his head as he picked up the sandwich. "No, this is Rodney's mattress. He's very particular about what he sleeps on. He has a bad back—at least half of which is because he carries so much tension there and I can only give so many massages before my fingers go numb—and this helps. We put the mattress that came with this one on the guest bed, which is the frame that used to be in here."

"Oh. That one's not bad, but this one is better." He looked thoughtful for a minute. "I'll be back." And a few seconds later he disappeared, leaving the door cracked.

Shaking his head, John quickly ate the dinner he had been given, setting the tray on the floor. His muscles were still tense, although he was starting to loosen up. He moved to the floor himself, starting on the exercises Teyla had taught him to 'calm the mind and release tension.'

He was about halfway through when the door was shoved open. "I thought I said you should be in bed?"

John cracked an eye. "Almost done. Running through some meditation exercises my teammate made me learn. Figured they couldn't hurt."

Peter sighed. "Finish your yoga and come to bed. Harry will be along in a minute."

John unwound slowly, stretching each muscle group as he did. Finally back on his feet, he sat on the edge of the bed next to Peter. "Thanks. I sorta hate that you guys are always bailing me out of shit like this. I swear, I'm not really this bad all the time."

"We know. We've known you a long time, John. You're allowed to go through some rough patches," Peter offered him a tired smile. "Now get in bed."

"Sir, yes sir." John grinned at him. "And I apologize in advance for any nightmares I may have. I don't get them often, but after days like today, they're more likely. Just shake me awake if I do, and I'll be fine."

"You'll be fine. Just get in bed," Peter said, picking up the tray from where John left it on the floor. Harry entered a minute later in boxers and a t-shirt. He headed directly for the far side of the bed.

Shrugging, John didn't know where they would want him, so he swung his legs up and pulled down the blanket.

"Middle," Harry said, already sliding down, humming as his body settled on the mattress.

"Middle?" John was surprised. "I figured you or Peter would be—"

"Peter told me he wanted you in the middle."

John thought about protesting, but figured it wasn't worth the effort. He slid further into the bed. "I can ask Rodney what kind of mattress this is when I get back and email it to you if you want."

"Do. I think I want one."

Peter entered a minute later, in boxers and a t-shirt, closing the door behind him and hitting the overhead light switch, throwing the room into semi-darkness except for the small lamp next to the bed. "How are you doing, John?"

"Better, I think. Not ready to hurt something anymore at any rate." He smiled, then was surprised when the two men pushed him onto his side and enfolded him, making a sandwich of sorts. He tensed for a moment, then, surprisingly, felt himself going almost limp. "Thanks," he whispered.

"Go to sleep, John. We're here." Peter turned out the light and rolled back to the center, an arm slung over John's hip.

"Night." He settled down, falling asleep a lot faster than he would have guessed. At one point, he felt himself shaken awake, the words 'master' and 'Ashira' and 'please' on his lips, but he didn't come up far enough to be fully awake, just enough to snap out of the dream and snuggled back into the warm bodies surrounding him.

He woke sometime in the morning, alone in the middle of the bed.

Stretching, he wondered what time it was, but found he really didn't care yet. Rolling out of the bed, he wandered out into the kitchen, wondering if Harry and Peter were still here or had gone for the day.

The coffee pot was on, plenty left in the pot and the television was on low in the living room. He spotted a rumpled head on the sofa.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, John headed in, grinning at the way the two were twined together. He didn't often get to see them so relaxed and affectionate together, so he leaned against the wall and just enjoyed the warm feeling he got from knowing he had friends, family, to stand beside him like this.

Peter shifted, cradling Harry against his chest. He caught John's eye, offering a smile. "I was going to wake you in a few minutes, but you beat me to it. Feeling better?"

"Yeah. Much." John smiled warmly. "You two are pretty cute together."

"Thanks. I'm sure you and Rodney do the same thing."

John nodded, still smiling. "Harry mentioned Carter left a note for me last night? I'm guessing it's all the information I need on how I'm getting to the base today."

"Car will be here in an hour to pick you up," Peter said, checking the clock.

"Mmm, 'kay. Enough time for a shower and breakfast, then. I'll cook for you guys, since I haven't had a chance yet. What are you in the mood for?"

Peter shrugged, getting a sleepy complaint from Harry for moving. "Whatever's fine with us."

John grinned and wandered into the kitchen. He found the stuff for pancakes and breakfast sausage, not to mention enough eggs for both the batter and to scramble. So he set about cooking, letting himself relax further. The only thing missing was Rodney. But he didn't let himself think too much about that, choosing instead to focus on the lazy act of cooking breakfast for friends and enjoying their company.

In a way he was jealous of them, their peace, their calm. Even when things were good between him and Rodney they didn't just cuddle—except before missions. It was always sex sex sex—not that it was a bad thing. On the contrary, it was very good. But there was something so intimate about just lying together, just being together.

He thought about it, and figured some of it was that this was all still pretty new. They had been together a year to Peter and Harry's, what? Fifteen years now. John froze suddenly, counting backward. A year. When he got back to Atlantis, it would be right around their one-year anniversary. Wow.

He needed to do something, get Rodney something.

"Hey, Peter?" He called into the living room. "Breakfast is almost ready, and what do you get a genius who has everything for your first anniversary?"

"One year? You should bring him with you on your business trips," Peter said as he roused Harry, the two of them wandering into the kitchen a moment later, Peter's hands on Harry's lower back and arm, directing him toward the table.

Shaking his head, John plated the food and brought it to the table. "I just realized it. When I get back, it will be a year since we first got together. Hard to believe."

"What does he really want?" Peter asked, getting Harry situated before settling down on a chair. Harry was moving slowly, but the pancakes were catching his attention.

"No idea. He builds bombs in his spare time, what the hell do you get for someone who just builds whatever he wants... Hey, he likes classical music. He put a bunch on his iPod. What about getting him some CDs?"

Harry shook his head. "Too easy."

John tried a pancake, making a happy noise—they had come out good—while he thought. "I wish I knew if he played an instrument. I seem to remember Zelenka saying most scientists did, at some point in their lives. But I've never asked Rodney about it."

"Vacations are always good," Harry said, digging into his breakfast with enthusiasm. "Jewelry. A good fuck. Dinner."

John choked on a piece of egg. "Did you just tell me to give him a good fuck for our anniversary? How do you even do that? Tie a bow around my dick?"

Harry glanced up. "A fuck is always in anniversary plans." He shot a look to Peter. "Well, at least in ours."

"Well, yeah, but not as part of the gift, right? You don't only sleep together on anniversaries I hope."

"Last night was the first time we haven't fucked in a month," Harry said with a shrug. "The last time we didn't fuck it was because we'd been fighting over a bill."

John choked again, this time mostly because he was trying to swallow and laugh at the same time. "I don't think I needed to know that. And I still don't know what to get Rodney. Being back on... in Colorado means I can actually get him something really nice and surprise him."

"When does the dog and pony show end for you?" Peter asked, sitting back with a contented sigh. His plate was clean.

"With any luck, today, although given how yesterday ended it might go longer. If it stays on schedule, I'll have tomorrow as a day of leave time, if you guys wanted to go do something."

"Shopping," Harry said, Peter nodding in return.

John perked up. He would never admit it to Rodney for fear of getting teased for the rest of his natural life, but he did actually like shopping, and he had combat pay to burn. "Sounds like a plan! I have stuff I need to get for everyone else too. DVDs, chocolate, alcohol, knives..."

"A gift for your husband."

"That, too. Although the DVDs and chocolate—some of it anyway—are for him too. And coffee. He likes the expensive stuff, and it's like gold on the base." John bounced a little in his chair, thinking of how Rodney would look surprised and then happy when John came back with lots of presents.

"We'll make sure you get him something extra special," Harry said, finishing his own breakfast. "But don't you have to shower and get ready?"

Nodding decisively, John rose. "Yes, and heaven help anyone who tries to drag this out past today. They've got me for twelve more hours. After that I'm washing my hands of the whole thing and not thinking about it again."

"Good plan, John," Peter said, rising to his feet as he grabbed the dishes. "We'll scout out the stores for you today."

John grinned at them, then disappeared into the bathroom to shower and get changed. When he came back out, the dishes were done, and an unmarked car, the hallmark of the SGC, was pulling into the parking lot. "Looks like I'm right on time. See you guys tonight, and try not to get into too much trouble."

"We won't," Peter said as he closed the door behind John, the lock sliding into place a moment later. As John walked down the stairs, he realized that Harry hadn't been in the living room or kitchen or the second bath, leaving only the guest bedroom. Huh. Apparently Peter was going to make up for the missed fuck.

Grinning to himself, John managed to hold on to his good mood through the day.

Actually, it seemed to freak out Smythe's lawyers a little when he just smiled politely at them and drawled all his answers as much as he could get away with. The pria debate was ended with the SGC doctors producing a full analysis of the sample that had been sent through the gate, matching all of Beckett's notes perfectly and cutting the argument off at the knees. After that it was a pretty standard thing, both sides asking John questions and him doing his best to answer honestly without giving away things he would rather not tell. By the end of the day, he was given a day pass, and told to report back in two days at 1000 for departure back to Atlantis.

He was free. He drove down the mountain with a lighter heart. He was going home, back to Rodney. It would take a little while, but he was heading back to him.

Swinging into the parking lot, John decided he would find a way to sneak away from Harry and Peter for a few minutes tomorrow. He knew they had one old computer at home from which they ran the club and did everything else. He decided he was getting them each a souped-up laptop. It would make their lives easier, and then they wouldn't have to fight over who got to read the emails first.

Although. He could just order and have them delivered, he thought when he saw the visitor spot empty. He had the time now. He hurried inside and booted up Rodney's computer, logging onto the internet. He quickly navigated to the online store he wanted and built two laptops. It was a little expensive, but it was well worth it.

With the order on its way, he headed back into the kitchen, pulling out the left over Chinese food from the other night, eating right from the container.

He was sitting on the counter, swinging his feet and feeling proud of himself when he heard the door open. "M'in here!" He yelled it out around bites of lo mein.

Harry appeared first, carrying yet another bag of take out. "I told you he'd be eating something," Harry said over his shoulder.

"I haven't been home long. Whatcha got?" He jumped down to try and peak in the bags.

"Thai." Peter rounded the corner with another bag, this one from the grocery store. "Grabbed a few things for dinner tomorrow."

John dug around until he found a container of pad thai and appropriated it. "What's for dinner tomorrow? And I am free. You're stuck with me for the next twenty-four hours."

"Food that I'm going to cook," Peter answered, putting the bags in the fridge. "We spotted a few stores we think you should go into tomorrow, but right now I'm thinking we need to eat and relax and then sleep. We have a plan for tomorrow."

John raised an eyebrow, but nodded. He was glad he had ordered the computers ahead of time while he had the chance. With words like that, he didn't think he would be allowed to slip away. "Yes sir. I'm all yours."

"Good," Peter said with a smile, reaching for his own dinner. "I'm glad we don't have to argue about that."

"Mmm, nope. And this is good. Is it from a local place around here?"

"Rodney had a menu," Harry said. "He has lots of them."

"Rodney can't cook. He lives on take-out here, and MREs or whatever the mess is cooking on base." John shook his head. "He has a standing offer that should I ever want to leave the Air Force, he'll hire me as his personal chef."

Peter and Harry laughed, rolling his eyes. "You could cook him dinner," Harry said with a sudden thought. "And then fuck him. He'd probably like that."

"For our anniversary? That's not a bad idea. I'd just have to figure out how to get fresh ingredients... maybe Teyla could help me find everything, since I'm not sure anything would keep if I bought it here to bring..." John knew Rodney had developed a fondness for some of the native Pegasus foods. "And I could bring good chocolate back with me, make him a real cake."

"Did I ever give you the recipe for the chocolate cake?"

"Your secret recipe? The one that made Rodney make porn noises?" John shook his head. "No, I never did get it."

Harry nodded. "I'll give that to you before you leave."

"But we have some other ideas for…things," Peter added. "With everything going on, we need to make this anniversary special."

John shook his head, grinning. They were up to something, and he was willing to go with it. They finished dinner and got cleaned up, relaxing and chatting for a while before heading to bed. The next morning John was surprised to find he was the first one up. It looked like it was going to be a nice day, so he pulled on a pair of sweats and went for a jog, leaving the coffee maker running. When he got back, he found both Peter and Harry awake in the kitchen waiting for him. "Hey, hope I didn't wake you up when I was moving around before."

"No, you're fine. We tossed some laundry in," Peter said. "A quick breakfast and we can hit the road. We can grab lunch later."

They all got changed and John found himself relegated to the back seat of Harry and Peter's rental. "So where are we headed?"

"Out," was Peter's reply as they pulled out of the parking lot, headed toward the downtown area.

Chuckling, John leaned back in the seat. "I'm surprised you aren't blindfolding me."

"That's more your style," Harry said with a chuckle.

John closed his eyes and smiled, content to let them take him wherever they wanted to go. He had to admit he was curious.

They drove for about thirty minutes. When the car began to slow, John opened his eyes and watched as Peter parallel parked easily. They were in an upscale part of town—or as upscale as you can get in the Springs—but he didn't see anything that was an electronics store or anything.

"Uh, guys? Where exactly are we going again?"

"Shopping," Harry said with a broad smile as he climbed out of the car.

Following them out, John looked around, trying to figure out where they were and where they were going. He had to admit, he had no clue.

Peter led them down the block before turning into the glass front of an office building, heading directly for the elevators. They were quiet on the way up, but Harry was bouncing on his toes in anticipation—or at least that's what he thought the bounce and the smile meant.

They stopped on the top floor and stepped out, walking down the hall to another door where Peter pressed the chime. A buzzer let them in.

John wasn't sure what he expected, but this wasn't it.

It was completely modern. Stark black and white décor and a salesman who was at their side in less than fifteen seconds.

"Good morning, gentleman. How can I be of service?"

"Our friend will be celebrating his one year anniversary in a few weeks and needs to get something special for his husband," Peter said, pointing to him. "John here is military so we need something discreet. His husband is a scientist, a genius, and has a ton of stuff already. They've had a tough couple of months. We're looking for something unique."

"Oh, and John's a dom," Harry added, almost as an afterthought.

John opened his mouth a few times, then closed it again. No sound came out as he stared at Peter and Harry, and then at the sales guy. What the hell...?

The salesman was nodding. "So we're probably talking jewelry or something along those lines. A car or plane is out of the question."

"Yes," Peter nodded. "We're thinking small, but powerful."

"A plane?!" If anything, John's eyes went wider. What kind of store was this exactly?

Harry stepped back, letting Peter and the salesman converse a little more. "This is a specialty shop. They deal in high-end gifts—but it doesn't mean it has to be really expensive. Peter and I thought it would be easier to let the professionals find something for Rodney."

Nodding, John knew he probably still looked shocked. "I didn't even know they had places like this... I should tell him nothing with citrus. Rodney's allergic to it."

"I doubt food would be a good choice," Harry said quietly as the salesman gestured for them to follow him deeper into the store—office—whatever the hell this place was.

John followed, marveling at this place. He wished he could tell the guy it needed to be something that would hold up in interstellar travel to another galaxy, and that his partner regularly played with alien technology. Rodney was already hard to buy for, that just made it a bitch to find something that would light his eyes up like it was Christmas and birthdays and he just won the Nobel all at once.

"How serious are you about your sexual relationship?"

John raised an eyebrow and fought down a blush. "Pretty serious. We were…are…dom/sub, although we've had a rough couple of months so sex wasn't high on the agenda. We own a lot of sex toys already."

"Not a passing phase?"

"No." It came out a bit more forceful than John intended. "We're in this for the long haul. We'd be married if I wasn't military. As it is, we're as close as you can get."

The salesman nodded, seemingly taking it all in stride. "I'm thinking the usual items won't probably work then, especially seeing that you already have a pretty solid sexual relationship. I do have a few ideas, but I need to see if I can put my hands on them. When do you need this for?"

"I ship back out tomorrow morning. We're both stationed on a remote base, so anything I get I need to have before then. We get some mail, but it can take months to get to us, unless it's email. And even that we only get it every couple of weeks."

"Okay. So it has to be in stock," he said, gesturing for them to have a seat as he walked behind his desk. He sat down and started typing on the keyboard a moment later, eyes fixed on the large flat panel screen.

"And small enough to be hidden in a duffel. Everything gets scanned before being loaded, but personal duffels are ignored unless they really suspect you of smuggling explosives or something dangerous. You don't mess with the black market on a base like that, so they generally turn a blind eye to anything that can be brought in your carry-on."

The sales guy continued typing, flipping through several screens. "Can you drive into Denver?"

John glanced over at Peter. He was doing the driving today, and John had no idea where they were in relation to the city. "I don't know, can we? How far is it from here?"

"Denver's not a problem. Anything further would be," Peter replied.

"Good." The salesman turned, pulling out a notepad and jotting down an address. "This is probably going to be your best option. They have several different things on site that should give you more than enough to pick from. But it would probably be best if you went here in person to take a look at the pieces they have. Ask for Brooke when you get there. She'll be able to help you."

Peter grabbed the piece of paper before John could. "What am I going to look at?"

"Jewelry, some other smaller gift items," the salesman answered. "I'll call Brooke ahead of time and make sure she takes out a number of pieces I have in mind. I don't want to bias you before you get there to see them."

"Okay." John stood with the others. "Um, thanks?"

The salesman gave his card to John, telling him to call him if he needed anything else and then they were on the road again, the address programmed into the GPS.

John put the little card in his wallet. "You know, if this guy can help me find something for Rodney, I'll totally use him again. How did you guys know about him though?"

"Friend of a friend of a friend," Harry answered as Peter got them on the road. "Said they specialize in finding gifts for hard-to-shop-for people."

"That pretty much sums Rodney up to a T. Huh. It'll be interesting to see what they have in mind."

They drove for about an hour, talking quietly between them, John enjoying the easy conversation. They pulled up at a jewelry store in Denver, one John would never had set foot in—way too many diamond rings and wedding stuff.

Brooke was a petite brunette who ushered them into a small office on the side, several velvet boxes already laid out on the desk. "Hugo recommended that we start with these pieces."

The first box he opened was a platinum collar. It was similar to the one Rodney had been wearing, but a much lower profile. And the clasp locked without the need for a padlock, and came with two keys.

John couldn't stop himself from reaching out to touch it. "Wow..." He could picture Rodney in this, all the time. And their other discreet collar had a lot of unpleasant memories attached to it now...

And no one but John could lock it on.

He reached for the next two, finding similar collars, all with the same locking mechanism.

"We also have matching rings and such for these sets," Brook said quietly.

The second one she had pulled out had a few tiny sapphires embedded in the front. They were the exact same color as Rodney's eyes. John picked it up, picturing his lover wearing it, how it would look against his skin. God, he was getting half-hard just thinking about it. "This one. It's... It's exactly perfect."

Brooke nodded, showing him how the lock worked. "Did you want to see any of the matching pieces?"

John nodded. “Yes. Rodney likes sets of things. What do you have that goes with this?”

"This piece actually has a number of matching items. I have bracelets, earrings, and nipple rings—both barbell and hoop versions."

John knew he was blushing, but didn't care. "His ears aren't pierced, but his nipples are—and this might be a good excuse for him to keep them that way. And the bracelets—are they locking cuffs, or bangles? He is a guy, so I don't think I want to buy him anything too... feminine."

"Cuffs. They're supposed to sit close to the skin."

"Can I see them? And the hoops?" She brought them out, and John could picture Rodney in the set, standing in front of him, and god, what a mental image. He swallowed. Hard. "Yes. These... I'll take the set."

She smiled and nodded as she started to put away the other pieces he'd turned down. "Now, just remember that these are more jewelry pieces rather than actual bondage items. I know you're probably not stupid, but I have to tell this to all of my clients. There are no rings on these for a reason. They're meant to adorn."

John ran a hand over the collar one last time before she took it to pack it away. "We don't use a collar for restraint much anyway. This is... this is jewelry. For every day wear, if he'll let me, or special occasions for the whole set."

"Good. You have a lifetime warranty on all of these pieces and the key will work with all the pieces: the necklace, both bracelets, and the hoops. The nipple rings are a little trickier because it's such a small clasp, but they will lock. It also means you have six keys."

John's eyes widened. Even the nipple rings locked? It really sucked that he wouldn't see Rodney for another three weeks. "O…okay. I can put a few in a safe place and take the rest with me. He's going to look fantastic..."

Brooke must have sensed a little of his confusion, so she took out the ripple rings to demonstrate. "See here," she said, turning it for him. "It's a single band of platinum and the locking clasp is built in on the side." She demonstrated, sliding the end piece into the catch and turning the key to lock it into place. "It's not a very strong lock, but for most it's really the mental component that makes the biggest impression. But because of the lock it is a little wider than most rings, but I haven't heard any complaints about it."

John licked his lips. "Do you have any more like that? In different styles? I... might want a pair for me, too." And yeah, now he was sure his face was probably the color of a nice ripe tomato, but he could give the key to Rodney, a physical demonstration that as much as Rodney belonged to him, he was Rodney's...

She smiled. "That was my next question if we could get anything for you."

"What else do you have?" Despite himself, he was curious now.

"We carry all sorts of body adornments—from cock rings to rings and barbells for your penis. Actually, we might even have a cock ring for this set," she said thinking carefully. "I believe we may have gotten them in again. It has a similar clasp to the rest of the items you're purchasing."

John was already nodding. "If you have a ring to match the set I'm getting for him, I want it. To complete the set, you know. And for me..." There was one set—nipple rings and a cock ring—she pulled out that was actually a very similar style to their wedding bands. John immediately pushed them into the keep pile. Those would be his. He would give them to Rodney, and wear them whenever his lover wanted him to.

"I'll be right back with the other cock ring. I just want to make sure we have it in stock," she said with a smile, heading off to the back storeroom leaving Peter and Harry alone with John.

"So?" Peter asked, a knowing smile already on his face.

"The next three weeks back to base are going to be some of the longest of my life." John grinned at them, still feeling a bit warm. "I can't wait to see this stuff on him."

"Good. That's what I wanted to hear," he said with a chuckle. "I wasn't sure if you'd go for the personal shopper thing, but I also thought it was probably your best bet."

"Best idea ever." John shook his head. "I never would have found this stuff on my own."

"Us either. We know where to look in Vegas, but not in Colorado Springs," Peter said just as Brooke walked back in, another box in her hand.

"Here we go," she said, opening the box and showing John. It was the same as the necklace and cuffs—platinum with the sapphires inset and the lock on the side.

"Oh, that's perfect..." John breathed the words. God, Rodney was going to look amazing in these. John wanted to decorate his lover and then spend hours just looking at him. And when they were alone and Rodney was naked, just going about the daily routine, with these on...

Brooke smiled. "Do you want me to have these wrapped?"

Reaching out to caress the ring one last time, John nodded. "Yes, please. Something discreet that won't raise eyebrows if security decides to get persnickety. God, I can't wait to give these to him."

"Did you wish to wear yours out of the store?"

Blushing again, John shook his head, a bit regretfully. "I wish I could, but they'll only make me want him, and I won't see him again for a few weeks. Wrap them up, too. I'll put them on for the first time when he can watch."

"I'll put them in different papers so you can keep them apart. I'll also need a credit card or cash to finalize the purchase."

John dug out his wallet. He actually had no idea how much was actually in his account. One of these days he should look that up. He handed over his credit card. "Do I want to know how much I'm spending?"

She looked at him and smiled. "Only if you want. It will be on the charge receipt."

With a wry laugh, he shook his head. "I don't think I want to know. I'd rather spend my time thinking about how these things will look on my lover, rather than how much I just spent on them."

"I'll be right back." She stepped back out with the boxes in her hands leaving them alone.

John looked up at Peter and Harry, doubly glad he had bought them the computers now. It was the least he could have done. He gave them a goofy-happy smile. "Thank you. Both of you."

"You're welcome," Peter said with a smile. "But there's still more stores to hit today."

John blinked. "More stores? What else am I buying?"

"You mentioned DVDs, chocolate…" Harry said, picking them off on his fingers.

Running a hand through his hair, John chuckled. "Oh, yeah. I sort of forgot about that stuff. Too many indecent thoughts of Rodney crowded the rest right out."

Both Harry and Peter chuckled, rolling their eyes. "Three weeks, John, plus however many until the actual anniversary."

Brooke brought the packages back out, along with his credit card. Signing for everything, they made their way back down to the car, and then to the mall, where John spent a mildly obscene amount of money on presents for everyone. Peter and Harry seemed unable to decide if they were horrified or amused when he wandered into the specialty knife store and came out with four different blades for Ronon.

"And you were complaining about getting things through security," Peter commented, shaking his head as they finally deposited everything in the car. They'd grabbed lunch in the mall, but it was quickly moving onto dinnertime. Surprisingly, John fell asleep in the car on the way home, only waking up when Peter had to brake a little harder for someone pulling into the parking lot for the apartment building just a block away from Rodney's place.

He automatically reached for a weapon he didn't have on him, shaking himself awake. "Wha?"

"Sorry, John. Stupid drivers," Peter said, moving around the slowly turning driver.

Peering out the window, John chuckled. "It's okay. I forget what traffic is like sometimes. What's for dinner?"

"Food," Peter answered, finally turning into the parking lot. "I have to get moving if we want to eat tonight. You have some packing to do, I think."

"I know. What time do you guys head back to Vegas?" They helped him drag all the packages up to the room. He had no clue how he was getting all this stuff in one duffel bag.

"Tomorrow morning sometime," Harry answered as Peter headed directly into the kitchen after dropping the bags he was carrying on the couch in the living room. "Probably before you head out I imagine."

John managed to somehow pack everything in to the bag—except the knives. He stared at them for a while, then decided he would take a page out of Ronon's book and just carry them on his person. He wasn't even attempting to put them in his hair though.

He wandered back out, finding his friends in the kitchen. "That smells amazing. Am I allowed to know what it is yet?"

Peter glanced up from the stove with a smile. "What does it look like?"

Hopping up on the counter, John grinned at him. "Home-made pasta and sauce with meatballs and," he sniffed again, "garlic bread?"

"Close. I couldn't get the right flour for the pasta so you have to settle for fresh bought."

John hummed happily. "Smells fantastic. Is Harry making orgasmic cake for dessert?" He batted his eyes hopefully at Peter.

"He did that yesterday morning. It's better if it sits. Keep your hands out of the fridge."

John slid down the counter, toward the fridge. "There was cake here and I didn't know it?"

"John." Peter's voice was sharp.

"What?" He tried to look innocent.

"Stay away from the fridge."

"You'd keep a poor, starving Lieutenant Colonel from cake on his last night on leave?"

"It's a small one for dessert, so yes."

Chuckling, John hopped down to set the table. "Where'd Harry disappear to?"

"I sent him to pack," Peter said. "He should be finishing up. Takes him a while, but he complains when I do it."

John shook his head. "It's the opposite for Rodney and I. I won't let him pack anymore, since he just throws stuff into a bag and says he's done."

"What's wrong with that?"

Staring at Peter for a moment, John had to laugh. "Okay, I'm with Harry on this one. You shouldn't be allowed to pack anything with that philosophy."

Peter shrugged. "It's in the bag. You shove it in until it fits." The water in the pot was just coming to a boil. "Why don't you grab Harry and set the table? We should be eating in about ten minutes."

Wandering back to the guest room, John found Harry just finishing up. "Probably a wise move, not letting Peter pack anything. He wants to know if you're almost done, since dinner is just about ready."

Harry glanced up with a smile, folding the last piece of clothing on the bed. "No kidding. You should see the mess if he packs." He rolled his eyes, putting in the shirt and closing the lid.

"From what he described, it's exactly what Rodney would do. I banned him from packing anything, ever."

"He's impatient," Harry said with a shrug, moving back toward the kitchen.

John followed him out. "Rodney's excuse is that he has better things to do with his time than fold clothes."

"And he probably does."

"Oh, you know, saving the planet, defeating the bad guys, mocking the minions. I give him a break on the whole packing thing." John grinned.

"Are you talking about Rodney again?" Peter asked as they stepped into the kitchen. The pasta was boiling and the rest of the food was already in serving dishes.

"When am I ever not talking about Rodney, thinking about Rodney, fantasizing about Rodney..."

"When you're setting the table."

"I coulda been MENSA. I can do both at the same time." Giving Peter a cheeky grin, John pulled out the silverware.

Harry and Peter laughed as the table was set and the food brought over, the men digging in a few minutes later. The moan of approval from Harry was very close to outright porn.

Despite himself, John's body tingled a little. He didn't want Harry, but he hadn't had sex in a week now, and it would be three more before he did again. Yeah, next time the SGC needed him to come to Earth, they were finding a reason to bring Rodney along, too.

Peter just rolled his eyes. "Hey, there. Keep it down."

John laughed as Harry blushed a little. "Yeah, save the porn noises for the cake. That's what I'm holding out for."

Peter just rolled his eyes as they easily settled into conversation, laughing and talking about old times and stories they shared. By the time they were wiping their dessert plates clean it was late and they were full of food and good memories. But of course, it was always tinted with melancholies—of people long gone, other absent friends, and the knowledge that they were all going on their separate ways in the morning.

John leaned back in his chair, knowing he should get to bed soon, but he had three weeks stuck on a cramped ship to catch up on rest. "If they ever declassify my project, you guys should come visit. You'd be blown away. I think that's my biggest regret at the moment, that I can't tell anyone about it."

"It's okay, John," Peter said stretching, his hands above his head as he yawned. "Honestly, I have little interest in touring a military base."

"This base is unlike anything you've ever seen, or could hope to see, in your life. We're actually civilian-run, as opposed to a full military base. I command the troops stationed there to protect it, but Doctor Weir is the one in charge, with Rodney a close second, should anything ever happen to her." He smiled, which turned into a yawn of his own. "Next time I get some leave, I'll bring Rodney again, and we can actually plan a get-together."

Peter shrugged a little. "If Rodney comes, we'd be delighted to get together again. He's certainly an interesting man."

"He'll be with me next time. This month apart shit isn't working for me. If I have to manufacture an excuse for him to come with me, I will."

Harry had yawned before moving to clear the table as they talked. Peter offered him a smile of thanks, but otherwise was focused on John. "Are you sure this…thing is really the best for you?"

"Which thing? Working on a classified military base?" He was pretty sure that wasn't what Peter meant, but he had to ask.

"It's not exactly the best life you can have."

John let his focus go internal for a moment. "I know you don't understand why I do what I do, but it's... I can't walk away. There are things out there you've never heard of, things that could kill you, could change the way people all over the world lead their lives. If I were to walk away, people, you guys, would be in danger. I can't do that. I have to fight to protect the people I care about."

"And some people that work with you are trying to discredit you and hurt you and then they send you here, alone, to fix things with the help of a few lawyers. Whatever happened to standing by your own?"

John didn't have a great answer for that, not one Peter would understand at any rate. "The people who support me are back on the base, and they didn't want me to come for this. Fought against it, and when they couldn't stop it, tried to get the upper brass to allow a few others to come through and testify with me. But I won't lie. While the people I work with directly are my friends and people I would gladly give my life to protect, there is an element in the upper ranks that would like nothing more than to see me out on my ass. Not all of them, but the black mark is still on my record, and it doesn't matter what I've done since—for them that defines me and makes me dangerous."

"You have people here that love you and would support you unconditionally."

"And you have no idea how much that means. When things get hard, knowing I'm doing it, ultimately, to protect you, gets me through. We're at war, Peter, although you'll never hear about it on the local news. Walking away would mean trusting the lives of everyone I care about to someone else, someone who might not care as much as I do, who might not fight as hard to save you."

"And you still believe that after everything you've been through? I can read between the lines in your emails, John. I know you're hurting, that you're not telling me the whole truth—that you can't. I respect that and I don't want you to say or do more than you can." Peter sighed, leaning forward on the table, his elbows resting where his plate used to be. "I don't know how else to say it, but I'm worried about you and Rodney. He's not…he's not built for the kind of life you lead, John."

"I know he's not, and he's one of the bravest people I've ever met, because he does it anyway." John sighed. "But they need him out there. His mind, his ability to solve problems and make connections faster than anyone else, bar none, has saved countless lives. How can I ask him to walk away from that? This is his life's work, Peter, what he's been moving toward since he was in grade school and the CIA recruited him. If I asked him to leave, he would resent me for the rest of our lives, even if he didn't realize he was doing it."

"The CIA? I thought he was Canadian."

"He is. But he built a non-working model of a nuclear bomb for a science fair project when he was nine years old. The Canadian government wasn't equipped to deal with that kind of genius at that young of an age. He's been working on classified projects since before he could drive a car. And this project we're on now is the pinnacle of that. I can't ask him to walk away. All I can do is my damnedest to protect him so he can do it without fear."

Peter sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "I know I'm not going to change your mind. I can tell, but just…think about it. That's all I ask. Don't rule out a normal life just because you think it's not what you want."

John nodded, sitting up to reach across the table and put a hand on Peter's arm. "I do think about it, and I promise, as soon as I think I can, I plan to grab Rodney and walk away. I don't want to die out there. I want to retire with my lover and partner while we're still young and whole enough to enjoy it, and spend my later years terrorizing the neighborhood kids and flying prop planes around the country to visit my family. But I have to do this first, or I'll never forgive myself."

The other man nodded, his head dropping a little as his shoulders bowed. It was the same conversation they had every time they saw each other, had been for years. Peter worried about him, always had. "We should probably head to bed. We have to be up at five."

John wished he could tell Peter everything, make him understand. But the other man had never approved of John's decision to join the military. John knew it was because he cared so much, which was the only reason he didn't let it irritate him. Peter just wanted him to be happy and safe. Knowing someone cared that much, perversely, made it all the more important that he do everything possible to protect them. "I know. I plan to get up with you to say goodbye."

Peter glanced up, looking for Harry, but the other man had quietly padded out of the kitchen after the table was clear. "Guess I sent him running again."

John smiled. "He knows you need to say it. And I need to hear it. I'm not ready to walk away yet, but knowing I have somewhere to go when I am helps. More than you realize, I think."

"Oh, I'll hear about it later, don't worry."

Chuckling, John stood. On impulse, he pulled him into the traditional Athosian head-hug, positioning him correctly. "Thank you."

Peter had tensed immediately and John could feel the confusion in his friend's frame. He relaxed into the pose a moment later and then John released him and stepped back.

Licking his lips, John smiled. "My teammate taught me that. It's a way of showing respect and affection to someone in her culture."

"Then, thank you. I should finish cleaning up," he said, turning to the now-empty sink.

"Harry did that before he turned in. And we should probably do the same. It will be a long day tomorrow."

"Travel days always are. And we have a big turnout on Fridays usually so it'll be a late night."

"Yeah, I'll be making sure we have everything we need, doing last minute debriefs. It'll be fun."

Peter looked around the kitchen for a moment, obviously checking to make sure things were in order. "Well, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. Have a good night."

"Sleep well." John put a hand on his shoulder again briefly.

"You, too," he said as he started walking away, but then paused, gesturing to the master bedroom. "Are you going to be okay?"

Running a hand through his hair, John took a moment before nodding. "I think so. I hate sleeping alone, but I'll survive. Today was a good day. I shouldn't have any nightmares."

"If you do, feel free to join us."

He hesitated, not sure if the comfort of having someone else in bed with him one last night before the trip outweighed not wanting to intrude on their bed again. He felt kind of like a little kid wanting to crawl into bed with his parents—old enough to know better, but not old enough to not want to.

"Don't be shy, John. You know us pretty well and after our conversation Harry's not going to be in the mood for anything, so you're safe."

Blushing, John ducked his head. God, he really was a girl sometimes. "I sleep better with someone else there than I do without. But I don't want to intrude..."

"If I thought you were going to intrude, I wouldn't have mentioned it. Your bed or ours?"

"Mine's more comfortable. Better mattress."

"So go get yourself ready and I'll grab Harry." Peter moved off, but paused again. "And you just managed to get me out of an earful with him. Instead, he'll wait until the car ride to Denver."

John laughed. "Anything I can do to help. Maybe by then he'll have forgotten or moved on to something else."

"Maybe." Peter chuckled as he headed to the guest bedroom.

Shaking his head, John moved into the bedroom and stripped. He was glad he wouldn't be alone, as stupid as it made him feel. He would get a better night's sleep, and this was the last time he could enjoy a warm body nearby for a few weeks. He wasn't going to get between them again. Slipping under the blanket, he made sure he was far enough over that they could take the other side.

John was drifting off when they finally padded in and Peter actually rolled him over to get in on one side as Harry crawled in on the other.

"Wha? You don't have to—"

"Shush," Peter said, spooning up behind him. "Go back to sleep. It's late."

As the two men blanketed him from either side, warm and comforting, John relaxed completely, already slipping back to sleep. ""Kay. Night. Thanks."

***

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John had only been gone two days but to Rodney it felt like years. It was so strange to be so at odds with himself. He'd gotten used to eating with John, talking with him, laughing with him, sleeping with him.

The first night he'd finally fallen asleep around four when his body had finally exhausted itself, only to wake three hours later wrapped around his pillow.

The absolute ridiculousness of the situation only served to annoy him more. He was a grown man who had slept alone for years just fine. A few months of sleeping with someone else shouldn't have this much of an effect on him.

So with a steely-minded determination, Rodney decided that he wasn't going to let his longing for John or the lack of a warm body next to him dictate how he ran his life. He'd adapt, adjust. He was a genius. This was simply mind over matter.

So he threw himself into his work, the Arcturus project on Doranda piquing his curiosity and his ambition. If he could get this to work, they wouldn't have to worry about energy levels ever again. If he could get this to work, they wouldn't have to worry about the Wraith. If he could get this to work, he could protect the city infinitely.

When he got it to work.

With his mind filled with equations and simulations at every hour of the day and night, Rodney felt alive. He could feel the breakthrough coming. It was just beyond his reach.

One day merged into the next. His days were filled with arguments and discoveries and full-blown scientific theory on the cusp of fully-formed reality. His nights…his nights when he finally fell into bed were filled of dreams of Nobel prizes and of a life where he no longer had to fight the Wraith, where he no longer had to worry that John would sacrifice himself to the great machine of the Pegasus Galaxy.

When he remembered to eat, he did it with Zelenka or Simpson, usually working through various equations and simulations. Beckett had found him a few times, trying to get him to slow down, to rest, but the thrill of discovery pulled at him, tugged at him in a way that he'd missed for so long. It was his siren, he knew, and he listened to the call. But he wouldn't be shipwrecked upon the rocky shore. Oh no. He knew better. He knew exactly what he was doing.

This was his. He could taste it. And nothing was going to stop him from achieving it.

"Rodney?" Teyla's soft voice pulled him out of the equations he had gotten lost in. A quick glance at a nearby clock showed that they were into the wee hours of the morning. When had that happened?

"Teyla, hi," he said, offering a smile as he turned back to his computer.

"It is quite late, I was heading back to my quarters and was surprised to see the lights still on here. Is it not time for you to retire as well?"

"Soon. I'm trying to get this part of the equations finished so we can run some more simulations in the morning." He glanced up, offering Teyla a wide smile. "We're so close and it's…amazing. You have no idea the possibilities, the opportunities this will open up for us."

She moved further into the lab, sharing his smile. "That is very good news indeed. I do not pretend to understand the science behind what you are doing, but from what I understand, should it work, it will solve many problems. I just worry that you are pushing yourself too hard to get there. I do not want to see such a great discovery shadowed by a hard cost."

He waved her off. "I'm fine. I worked harder than this in school. This…this is really important."

She put a hand on his arm. "I do not mean to dampen your enthusiasm, or minimize the thrill of discovery for you. I am just concerned. I have not seen you push yourself this hard when we are not under attack since I first met you. You are my friend and teammate, and I do not want to see you injure yourself."

"This is the first thing…the first discovery that might give us an advantage against the Wraith. It's…" he paused, trying to put everything into words that she could understand. "If we could protect Atlantis and not have to worry about the Wraith, just think what we could do to help your people, or other people. Everyone's just reacting, running. This could help turn the tide, Teyla. I…it's probably the most important work I'll do."

She nodded slowly. "I can see why it drives you so hard then. Just promise me you will sleep soon. Such a victory against the Wraith would be hollow if we were to lose you in the making of it."

"I'm sleeping. I really am. Probably end up sleeping late tomorrow…well, later this morning," he said with a shrug. "I need to finish these for the simulations Radek's running before lunch."

She lowered her head, pulling him into a forehead touch. "Take care of yourself, Rodney. John would be most distressed if he returns to find you have not. I know that, as much as he will welcome a new weapon to fight with, he will not want it at the cost of your health. Be well."

"I am, Teyla. Carson's been keeping an eye on me, I know. Makes sure I'm eating more than just PowerBars and he hides my coffee after 1800. Don't worry. I'm okay."

Her lips twitched. "Then I will leave you to your work so you can finish and find your rest. Should you be free, Ronon and I would welcome your company at dinner later this evening."

"Sure, ah…just remind me of the time. That seems to just get away from me some days."

"I will do so." Her smile was bright and genuine, if tired. "Now, I am afraid I must find my own bed. Sleep well, Rodney."

"Yes, yes, I will. Good night." He watched her leave, not remembering clearly the last time they'd actually spoken before this night, vaguely wondering what she'd been doing with John away. He shrugged after a minute, before finally turning back to his work, losing himself in the equations.

He finished just as Simpson was returning to the labs. She gave him a roll of her eyes as he walked her through her part of the assignment before heading off to bed to catch a few hours of sleep before the simulations at noon.

Carson was standing at his door when he finally stumbled down the hall to his quarters.

"Ach, lad, you look like you've been run over by a hive ship, then dragged behind a puddlejumper for a few miles."

Rodney ran a hand over his face as he ducked into his quarters, nearly tripping over yesterday's uniform that he'd left in the middle of the floor. "Long day. I need to sleep now so I can finish the simulations this afternoon with Radek."

"No. You need to rest for longer than that." Carson had a tray of food. "Eat that first, then I'm taking you off duty for the rest of the day. You'll feel better and be of more use to everyone if you take a day to catch up on your sleep."

"Nononono. I have to get back to the labs." Rodney had already tugged off his uniform jacket, dropping into the ever-growing pile on the floor. He needed to do laundry soon, or else ask Miko to do it for him. She would. "A few hours of sleep and I'll be fine." The shirt came off next and then he sat on the edge of his bed, untying his boots and tugging them off.

"Rodney..." Carson put both hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at the other man. "I'm saying this as both your friend and your doctor. You're burning out. If you don'na take some time to recharge soon, you're gonna to start making mistakes. I know how much this project means to you, but a day now won't change anything in the long run, but will ensure you can actually focus on it and think clearly."

"It's right there, Carson. I can feel it."

"I know, lad. But wearing yourself to a nub getting there does'na serve any purpose. If you actually take some time to rest, I think you'll be surprised at how much better you feel, and how much easier it will be for you to think."

"Tomorrow. I have to be there today."

Carson sighed. "We both know you'll have another excuse tomorrow, too. Eat, and rest. I won't keep you from what little you'll actually get today."

"Honestly, if I eat anything now I'll just be up. I'll eat when I get up. I promise." Rodney tugged off his socks before he stood, and unbuttoned his BDUs, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of both pants and boxers. "If you'd rather not get flashed, I'd recommend you leave now."

Carson sighed again, shaking his head. "I had forgotten how stubborn you could be about this. All right, but if I don'na see you taking time to rest in the next few days, I will make it a medical order."

"Yes yes. But you do realize that you're keeping me from sleeping now."

Rolling his eyes, and grumbling about unruly scientists who refused to take care of themselves, Carson slipped out.

As soon as the door closed, Rodney stripped down to his skin and crawled into bed, wrapping himself around the extra pillows he'd grabbed from John's quarters. And with simulations running through his head, he fell headlong into sleep only to awaken sometime later when someone was pounding on his door.

"Rodney! Wake up! The simulations have come back with something." Radek's voice filtered through the closed door.

"Wha...." he said, thinking the door open before he was fully awake.

Radek bounded in, hair and eyes wild. "Simulations, I have just finished running them." He went off in rapid-fire Czech, finishing back in English. "You will wish to see this!"

Rodney sat up, the sheets pooling in his lap as he rubbed a hand across his face to try and get the cobwebs clear of his brain. "Slow down. What are you trying to tell me? And use only English."

Radek rolled his eyes, grabbing clothes off the floor and throwing them in Rodney's direction. "Simulation is complete. It was a viable test—with only minor adjustments and a few more trials; we will be ready for full scale test."

It took a minute for the neurons and synapses to connect. "Really?"

"No, I come banging on your door for no good reason." Radek rolled his eyes. "Yes, we still have much work to do, but this is the first real breakthrough we have had. I did not think you would wish us to proceed without you."

"Nono. Of course not. I need to shower and eat. I'll be there in half an hour. Don't do anything without me," he said, moving to climb to his feet.

Radek nodded. "I will email the test results to you, and begin making notes on the changes I think we will need to make for the next simulation."

"Good, good. Do that. I'll be there in a little while."

Radek practically bounded out of the room, already muttering in Czech again.

Rodney eyed the clock as he stumbled into the bathroom, shaking his head when he saw it was only just after 1100. So much for sleeping 'til noon. But this was big. Bigger than big. If these equations worked and the next simulation showed similar progress…they would be able to test it out for real.

So close. So very close.

He showered quickly and then shoved food in his mouth as he got dressed, finding clean clothes amid the mess. He'd straighten up later.

He spent the afternoon in the labs, arguing with Radek and running simulations for the next phase, surprised when Teyla and Ronon showed up in the labs.

"Rodney, when you did not answer your radio, we thought we would stop by. You had said you would have dinner with us this evening." Teyla smiled.

"Dinner," he said, looking at Teyla with wide eyes. Right. He'd told her yes. He glanced back at Radek who was already shooing him out of the labs.

"Go. We have made much progress today. I will finish setting this up to run overnight, and we will continue in the morning." Zelenka turned back to the laptop, already starting on the final adjustments.

"Are you kicking me out of my own lab?"

"Yes." Radek waved a hand back at him absently. "Shoo. Eat, sleep, and we will continue tomorrow."

Teyla's smile had gotten wider. "We have missed your company. Perhaps after dinner, since you will not be needed here, we can watch one of your movies before turning in for the night."

Rodney glanced at Radek and back again at Teyla, trying to figure out when things had gotten out of his control. But right now, he was too tired to argue and Radek was right. He could get things set up for the morning. "Don't screw up the simulations. You'll put us behind."

The other scientist made a rude noise and another shooing motion with his hand.

"Fine fine. Just don't screw it up." He shook his head and headed toward the door where Ronon was looming and Teyla was waiting.

His two teammates fell into step beside him, although it was Teyla who broke the silence. "John is scheduled to return soon, is he not?"

"Uh…yeah," he said, realizing that he didn't have any idea what day it was. "Soon."

"You must be very pleased. I know it has to have been hard to be separated for so long, especially after all you both have been through recently. I know I am looking forward to his return, and I hope his mission was successful."

"Actually, it hasn't been as bad as I thought." He shrugged, realizing it was true. It hadn't been that bad at all.

Her eyebrows went up. "You have not missed him?"

He shrugged again. "No…well, a little I guess, but not as much as I thought. Huh." They stepped into the elevator and Teyla tapped the screen for the mess hall. They stepped out a moment later.

"That is...surprising. I had thought you must miss him greatly, for it does not look like you have been sleeping or eating well at all. You have looked... haunted, shadowed, for the past several weeks."

"Just working," he said, moving into the line and grabbing a tray. Wow. Hot food. He hadn't had real hot food in forever. "Has there been any word from the Daedalus?"

She gave him a long look, but finally picked up her own tray. "Yes. They came into long-range communications range this morning and reported that they are approximately four more days out. Colonel Sheppard is confirmed as on board."

"Four days. Huh. Good, that's good. I'm sure Sheppard's eager to get back to Atlantis. Any news on how things went back on Earth?"

"He did not communicate with us directly. Rather, Colonel Caldwell established the communication, and relayed that John was on board when Elizabeth asked him directly. No mention was made of how the trial and testimony went."

"Huh. Figured there would have been something," Rodney said absently as he moved to the tables, sliding into a seat with Ronon and Teyla following closely behind. Even before he started eating, Carson appeared, offering a surprised, but pleased smile.

"Rodney! I did'na expect to see you here lad. It's nice to find you out of the labs for once." The doctor took one of the empty spots at the table.

"Promised Teyla I'd have dinner with her. Told her to remind me because the hours tend to get lost…" He waved his hand absently. "You know how it is."

Carson gave him a sharp look. "Aye. It's just funny, because for a long while there, you were always at meals and such. But I think this is the first time I've seen you out of the labs when you aren't falling over in exhaustion and stumbling back to your room in weeks."

"This is just such a big…discovery, Carson." Rodney shook his head, digging into his dinner. They just didn't understand.

"I know, lad." His friend sighed. "We're all just worried about you. I don'na think any of us have seen you get this... intensely involved in a project in a long while, not to this degree. We know it's important work, but we hate standing by and watching you do this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything to myself," Rodney said, letting his fork drop to his plate with a clink. "I don't have some disease that needs to be cured. This is important work. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think it was necessary."

Carson gave him a sad look. "No one's denying that what you're doing is important. We all know that if you can get this facility operational, it will be a huge weight off our minds. But I have'na seen you this... worn and focused to the exclusion of all else in a long time, lad. But you dinna want to hear it, and I'd rather talk about something else if it bothers you."

"It doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that you're all just missing the point of the project. I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this for all of you. What kind of person do you think I am, really?" Rodney rose to his feet, but Teyla's hand on his arm stopped him.

"We are not attacking you, please, do not leave. No one is accusing you of anything, and we all know you are working hard because you wish to safeguard the city and its people. We are not trying to lessen that, merely express that you are our friend and colleague, and we worry about you. Please sit, and finish eating with us."

Rodney glared, his anger not easily diminished. He was working day and night to get this right, to make this happen and they just wanted him to take it easy, to stop being so focused. Well, it's that kind of laissez faire attitude that would likely get them all killed.

Ronon pushed a pudding cup across the table, his only contribution to the conversation so far.

"So you think pudding is going to bribe me or something?" Rodney sat back down, not really mollified, but too hungry to walk away from his food.

"You like pudding." Ronon shrugged.

"And I like sex, and you don't see me…" He waved his hand. "Well, you know."

"That's because Sheppard isn't here to fuck." Ronon's expression didn't change as he said it, but Teyla and Carson both gasped and turned red.

"Ronon! That is not an appropriate thing to say." Teyla narrowed her eyes at him.

"Why? It's true." The former Runner munched on a fry.

"And yet, still not appropriate dinner conversation."

Ronon just shrugged again.

Carson cleared his throat, his face a bit red. "Ah, speaking of which, did I hear correctly earlier that the Colonel is only a few more days out?"

Rodney shrugged. "That's what Teyla said. I haven't heard anything else."

"I was in the control room when Colonel Caldwell notified us he was in communications range. He did not give much information, only that Colonel Sheppard was indeed on board, and they will arrive in approximately four days." Teyla smiled.

"Ah, good. That's the timetable you were looking at to try a full scale test of this Arcturus project, wasn't it, Rodney?" Carson was making an obvious effort.

"If things continue to look the way they are right now, probably." Huh. Hot food actually did taste a lot better than the sandwiches he'd been eating, or that congealed thing from the other day…

"I'm sure the Colonel will be most excited to hear about your progress, and to be present for the test. He was unhappy that he had to leave while you did the research on the site." Teyla was finishing her own meal, and sitting back, looking loose and relaxed.

"What?" he said, glancing up at Teyla as her words processed. "Oh, yeah. I'm sure he'll be thrilled with lots and lots of equations for high-level astrophysics simulations."

"He will be thrilled because you are pleased with the results, and your success will mean he has to send fewer men into combat situations."

Rodney could see Carson's face tensing up so it was time for an exit. "Well, this was nice," he said. "But I should be getting back to work."

"The funny guy with the hair said not to come back." Ronon had finished his fries and started on what looked like a meat product of some sort. He was very methodical about it, if slightly disgusting.

"Yes, but he doesn't run the labs, I do and I can go back whenever I want to."

Ronon grunted. "Okay."

Rodney rose to his feet and moved to take his tray when Teyla spoke up again, her eyes pleading. "I thought you were going to watch a movie with us tonight as well."

Carson nodded. "Aye, a night off would be good for you lad. In fact, it would be good for all of us, if you'll let me join you."

"But there are—"

"Please?" Teyla gave him an open look of hope.

"You promised you'd take it easy today, Rodney. I know you worked all day in the lab. Please, just take the evening off, that's all I'm asking." Carson echoed her.

Rodney sighed. Maybe humoring them would get them off his back. "Fine."

The group stood and deposited their trays, making their way to the movie room. "I believe it was your turn to choose the movie, Rodney." Teyla's smile was happy, if serene.

"Do we still have 'Sixth Sense'? I never saw how that ended."

"Aye, I think I saw it in the community movie bin. I'll go look." Carson fished around for a while, before coming up with the case triumphantly. Everyone got settled as he put it in the DVD player.

The movie went on and the room darkened—Carson probably. Rodney shifted several times when his eyes threatened to close, his body finally slowing down. When he was shaken awake sometime later, he blearily looked up into Carson's knowing face. The lights were dim and the movie off.

"Come on, let's get you to bed. Your back won't thank you if I let you sleep here all night."

"But the movie…" Rodney protested even as he let Carson tug him upright.

"Was over about an hour ago. As near as I can tell, you only made it about half-way through before you fell asleep. We'll watch it again another time."

"An hour ago?" Rodney tried to shake some of the fuzziness out of his head.

"You've been asleep for about two hours now. I wanted to let you rest, but I dinna want you stiff tomorrow." The doctor was gently leading him toward his quarters.

"And you just let me sleep?"

"You looked like you needed it."

Rodney scowled at Carson, but didn't complain when they finally wandered into his room, stepping over the dirty clothes. "I can take it from here."

Beckett gave him the once-over, finally nodding. "All right. Sleep well, my friend."

"Yeah, yeah," Rodney said, kicking a shirt toward the larger pile of dirty clothes.

Carson shook his head, put a hand briefly on Rodney's shoulder, and slipped out, the door hissing shut behind him.

God. He was tired. He stripped mechanically, dropping the clothes in a pile at his feet before sitting down to tug off his boots and socks.

John was going to be home soon.

Huh.

He did miss him. He did.

But why didn't he miss him more?

That thought followed him to bed, making his sleep restless and unsettled. He woke the next morning out of sorts, still trying to figure up from down.

He wandered into the mess, finding breakfast and coffee before settling down in a table in the corner, picking at his food.

A body dropped into the seat across from him—Conan. He didn't say anything, just started eating his breakfast.

Good. He wasn't in the mood to talk.

A chocolate chip cookie appeared on his plate, seemingly out of no where.

Glancing up, he met Conan's—Ronon's eyes. "What?"

"Sheppard told me to make sure you eat. Said you'd get sick if you didn't."

"Is that why you've been trying to feed me pudding and cookies and…" A memory popped and he narrowed his eyes, "…danishes?"

Ronon shrugged. "You don't ask questions when it's sweet stuff. Just eat it."

"You've been bringing stuff to the labs."

"Yup."

"Why do you even bother?"

Ronon shrugged, finishing his almost-eggs and moving on to the bacon-like substance.

Rodney huffed. "And why do I even bother trying to have a conversation with you?"

"You like a challenge?"

"No. No, that's not it." Rodney shook his head, grabbing the cookie and leaving about half of his breakfast. "I'm going to the labs."

"Okay. See you later. Pudding day again."

Rodney didn't even bother commenting, munching on the cookie as he walked, vaguely realizing he should have grabbed a few more before he stepped into the transporter. Oh well. He'd find some later.

Radek, of course, was there hunched over his laptop. "What do you have for me?"

He got a string of muttered Czech, and a computer shoved in his direction.

Tapping a few keys, he walked through the screens. Not bad, but not right. "Your equations had to have been wrong."

Radek lifted his head from where he had been banging it against the table and glared. "They are not wrong."

"That's the only reason you'd get these readings."

"I ran them five times. They are not wrong."

"Of course they are. You have eyes. You saw this," Rodney said gesturing to the screen with the remnants of his cookie. "Do the equations again."

Radek's glare got more acidic. "I have gotten the exact same results all five times. A sixth will not be any different. We are missing something."

"Then maybe Simpson should try it."

The Czech that followed that didn't sound very complimentary as Radek grabbed the laptop back. "We are missing something. I just do not know what it is yet."

"Let's step back. Yesterday's simulations worked, which means those equations are right. Something's wrong with this new set."

"In this one we were compensating for the power fluctuations. If I run simulations with no change in power levels at all, it is fine. But as soon as any anomalies at all are introduced, everything is wrong, wrong, wrong."

"So we write a program to compensate for fluctuations that's independent of everything else."

"That is only a temporary fix and you know it. We need to know why they are interfering and fix the problem, rather than write a patch and ignore. We are not Microsoft."

"We'd make a lot more money if we were," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "We need to go and work on the systems there soon. We're reaching a point where we can't do more in the labs."

Radek ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up further. "I agree. Let us see if we can't track this problem down with the data we have, then schedule a return to planet."

"A week. I'll talk to Elizabeth and get it set up."

Nodding, Radek turned back to the screen, immediately getting absorbed in the scrolling numbers again.

They still had to work through some of the primary systems. A week would be good. He nodded to himself, already headed out into the hallway and to the control room. He walked there deep in thought, nearly walking into Lorne as he was leaving Elizabeth's office.

"Sorry, sorry," he muttered, walking in without preamble. "We need to schedule a mission back to Doranda. In one week. We'll be ready by then for some further testing."

She raised an eyebrow. "That soon? I thought you were still running simulations?"

"We are, but we'll be done by then. We're going to need to work with the systems there."

She nodded. "Wonderful. John will be back in a few days. I'd like him to be there with you—just in case. We haven't been able to completely confirm that planet is devoid of all life. Give him a day or two to get settled back in, and you can have a go to do further testing."

"Fine fine," he said, waving his hand, equations running through his head. "I'll let the staff know about the mission."

"Excellent. And good job, Rodney."

"Yes, and thanks," he said in surprise, his head finally snapping up to look at her. "I'll… ah…be getting back to work."

Her smile was warm. "Keep me posted on your progress."

"Yes, yes, of course." He turned, heading back down to the labs with a detour through the mess. A few more cookies in hand and he was set.

The hours quickly blended, afternoon becoming evening and then night. A brief collapse in his quarters for a few hours and he was up again, equations and power fluctuation modules drifting through his dreams.

One day moved easily to the next as simulations and equations slowly came together, making sense of the chaos.

They were so close.

Maybe that's why he was so surprised when he was rudely interrupted in the middle of his latest breakthrough.

A warm breath in his ear, soft, and full of affection jolted him out of his numbers. "Hey there."

His head snapped up and he turned. "What the hell was that for?" the words leaving his mouth before recognition dawned. John. "Oh. Hi. You're back?"

"Got in a few hours ago and debriefed with Elizabeth. She said you were hip-deep in research, so when I was cleared to go, I figured I'd just come on down." John's smile was warm, his eyes bright with emotion. "Missed you. A month is too damn long."

"Huh. I didn't expect you for a few days yet."

John raised an eyebrow. "We're right on schedule. Caldwell checked in about four days ago to let you guys know we were on our way." Concern colored his features as he seemed to take in Rodney's appearance for the first time. "Have you slept at all since I left? Or eaten something other than PowerBars?"

"Yes, of course. The Barbarian keeps bringing me cookies and pudding cups. I had dinner the other night with everyone, even had movie night."

"Good." John's lips twitched. "Elizabeth mentioned you're getting close to ready for another trip to the planet to test some of this. Day after tomorrow good for you? And when can you get away tonight? I have presents."

"Wait. She said a week. Is that a week already? Damn, we have so much more to do yet," Rodney said, his eyes drifting back to the computer. "We fell behind a little. Had to bring Collins into the project."

John's hand twitched at his side, like he wanted to move it but aborted the motion. "But you can take a few hours off, right? Come with me, you can brief me on the research and how everything's going, and I can tell you about the trial."

"I can't. Not right now. I need to finish up these equations for the power fluctuation simulation we're running tonight. Radek's weren't working so I had to re-do them."

"Later then? Come to my room. God, I've missed having you curled up around me. And I wasn't kidding about the presents." He grinned.

"I'll try. Okay?"

John licked his lips, nodding. "Tonight. You have to sleep sometime right? I'll wait for you."

Rodney nodded. "Welcome back."

John's eyes darted around the lab—it was empty at the moment, although voices nearby meant not for long. He stepped in and cupped Rodney's face, pulling him in to a swift, deep kiss. "Missed you so much."

"John!" Rodney hissed, moving back a step as he rolled his eyes toward the door.

His lover's lips twitched up. "I needed a taste. I'll go for the full buffet tonight."

"Some of us have to work, Sheppard."

An eyebrow went up, and a flash of hurt flickered over John's face before it was gone again. "All right, I'll leave you to it then. See you tonight."

"Yes, yes. Tonight. Welcome back." He was already turning back to his laptop even before John was gone, his fingers typing at the equations, trying to finish them so the next simulation would run tonight. He still had a lot to go before he could sleep.

***

John stared at the ceiling. It was two in the fucking morning, and Rodney wasn't here yet. John had had to go to his lover's room and retrieve his pillows—and god that had given him such a warm rush, to know Rodney had brought them there and had been obviously using them.

But if he had really missed John, where the hell was he?

He shifted on the bed again, trying to will his body into slumber, but his mind wouldn't stop spinning. He kept going over the message he'd received in the last databurst, hours after he'd beamed down from the Daedalus. It was from his lawyer and only one sentence.

Sentenced to twenty to life at Leavenworth.

It should have been more…satisfying to see that, but it wasn't. Smythe was only one of many, the others disappearing into the base without a trace.

He was worried that this might be the proverbial tip of the iceberg and he wished there was some way he could protect Rodney from getting hurt again because of it.

Rodney. It was the middle of the night. Where the hell was he?

With a half growl, half sigh, he rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Teyla, Carson, and even Ronon had warned him that Rodney had gotten so wrapped up in his research that he was neglecting everything else, but he had hoped being back together after a month apart would be enough incentive to finish the damn equations and come to bed.

Apparently he thought wrong.

Making his way to the lab, he found a light still on, a familiar form hunched over a computer, eyes blood-shot, skin almost grey with fatigue. “Lose track of time again?”

Rodney glanced up quickly, not really seeing John. "What? No. Why?"

"It's two in the morning."

"It is?" Rodney blinked. "Huh. Earlier than I thought then."

John's eyes widened a bit. "Earlier? Rodney, were you planning on coming to bed at all tonight?"

"Of course. When I finished this."

Walking around the table, John turned his lover so they were facing each other, stepping close. "Rodney, we've been apart for a month, and I've missed you like hell. The equations will still be here tomorrow. Come to bed with me. It's too late now to do much, but I want to fall asleep with you."

For a moment, John thought Rodney was going to tell him no.

He finally nodded, slumping against the worktable. "Fine, yes. Sure. Let me save what I'm working on and leave Radek a note for when he comes in."

John stepped back enough to give Rodney room to maneuver, but not enough to be out of contact with him. When his lover stood, John stepped in close, pressing his lips to the side of Rodney's neck, where he always smelled so damn good.

"You shouldn't…" Rodney protested, trying to shuffle away. "I need to shower."

John just tightened his grip. "Nnnn. Then I'd have to go through soap to get my fix." He licked at the spot a little, moaning softly at how much better it was in reality—when he went without, he started to wonder if it was all in his head, how crazy that little patch of skin made him.

"John, come on. Not here."

"No one else here, and you wouldn't come to me."

"Collins is working in the other room. He's part of the overnight shift. As is Simpson and Renner and Adams and…two others."

Getting in a last lick, John reluctantly raised his head. "All right, let's take this somewhere private then, shall we?"

Rodney rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. "Fine. Yes, already."

John let go and stepped back, looking at Rodney again. His lover looked like absolute shit, but from what everyone had told him, he was resisting any attempts to get him to take care of himself. John had, rather foolishly, hoped it was just that Rodney missed him and this was his way of coping.

He sighed, suddenly exhausted. Caldwell had made the trip—interesting. The man seriously didn't like John, and he made that very obviously clear at every opportunity. "You know what, I missed you, and all I wanted to do was spend some time with you, reunite. But obviously the damn numbers are more important. Come to bed when you want. I'm going to sleep."

"I already said I was and you've managed to dislodge any concentration I might have had so I might as well call it a night."

John narrowed his eyes. He didn't want to fight on his first night back, but Rodney was making that damn difficult. "Did you miss me at all?"

"Of course I did. What, did you want me pining away for you or something?"

He shook his head, god he was tired. "No. I just... you don't seem very interested in seeing me. Sorry if I apparently pined while you weren't bothered overly by it. And God, I'm sorry. I'm exhausted, and I just want to sleep. Can we please just go to bed?"

"I'm sorry if I seem distracted but this is probably the single biggest discovery we've made since we've been in Atlantis. It would mean so much for so many people. So, have I been caught up with it? Yes. I'll admit that. I can't just turn off something I've been working on for weeks." Rodney sighed, turning his head away from John for a moment. "And yes, bed would be good."

John reached out and caught his hand. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm grouchy, don't mind me. And I know this is big. I read the reports. I guess the hopeless teenage girl in me was hoping the lure of being together again after a month would be enough to pull you away for a few hours."

"Can we just go to bed before I fall on my face?"

"God, yes." They walked quietly through the halls back to John's room. When the door was closed, he reached out, wanting to peel the layers away and get to skin, even if they were both too tired to do anything about it. He needed to feel Rodney again.

Rodney didn't complain, didn't protest as John slid the jacket off his shoulders. He simply stood there, exhausted, tense, angry, holding his tongue for once in his life.

John ran his hands over Rodney's chest, under his shirt, pushing the material off and tossing it away. His breath caught—even tired, even like this, Rodney was beautiful. John lifted his eyes a soft smile on his lips. "Love you."

"Love you, too," he whispered, his eyes already starting to drift closed.

Tangling their hands together, John tugged him toward the bed, stopping only to strip Rodney the rest of the way, then get himself naked. He got Rodney to lie down, and nearly moaned with pleasure when he was able to tangle their limbs together. This. This is what he missed. Sex was great, but just being able to sleep tangled together unknotted the tension John had been carrying for a month.

Rodney sighed and shifted several times, elbowing John a few times until he finally slumped into the bed. "Sorry. I got used to sleeping alone."

"I was only gone a month."

"I know." Rodney sighed again. "You're lumpier than pillows. More boney, too."

Swallowing hard, John wondered if his lover really knew how he sounded, the impression he was giving. John was willing to bet no, which is the only reason he didn't just get up and leave. "Sorry."

"It's fine. I just have to get used to it again." Rodney shifted, this time nearly kneeing John in the balls as he turned, ending up half on his stomach. "Hmm….okay. This is good."

John had been shoved almost off the bed, only touching where it was necessary for him to hang on. "You know, if you really don't want me here, I'll just go sleep on the floor."

"No. I'm good."

Letting go of his stranglehold on the bed frame, John let his body slip to the floor. "Probably because I wasn't really in the bed so much as clinging to it. Go to sleep, Rodney. I'll see you in the morning."

John heard Rodney shift and the lights came up as he peered down at him. "No. It's your bed."

"And I'd rather you were sleeping there than anywhere else. It's... fine. Go to sleep, you look like you need it." John sighed to himself, stretching out on the hard floor. He'd slept in worse places, although, admittedly, this wasn't what he had wanted or expected.

"John, no. Come up here. I'm sorry."

Looking up, John caught a glimpse of the man he loved, the one who was in love with him, peering down at him, not washed away by the scary focus McKay had developed since John had been gone. He pushed himself up and swung back into the bed, pulling Rodney back into the position they had slept in together countless times. He pressed a kiss into the back of the other man's neck.

Rodney put his hand over John's where it rested on his stomach, settling back against John, his body tense. "I really am sorry. This looks bad, I know."

"It's okay. I'm not thrilled, no, but we've been apart for a month. It happens. Go to sleep. We can catch up tomorrow."

"I'm sorry."

John used his free hand, the one not tangled with Rodney's fingers, to sweep along his lover's body, palm spread wide. "It's okay."

"No, it's not."

John kissed the closest skin he could fine. "It will be. We're both exhausted, and you still have a lot of work to do before the test. We can work it all out after that."

Rodney sighed, shifting slightly, but not pulling away.

"Love you." John whispered it again, the pull of sleep tugging him down.

"Love you, John," Rodney said quietly, the words ending in a sigh.

With a mumbled purr of contentment, John let unconsciousness claim him.

***

Rodney woke sometime in the early hours of the morning, the answer to his equation issues from the night before clearly in mind. The sun was barely up and he'd probably only gotten a few hours of sleep, but if he didn't write it down now, he'd forget.

Carefully, he rolled out from under John's arm and stumbled toward the desk, managing to stub his toe on the desk chair. He held back part of the yelp, but god! That hurt.

"R'ney?" John's sleep slurred words made him look up. The pilot was blinking a bit blearily at him from the bed. "Time'sit?"

"Early. Go back to sleep," he whispered, falling into the desk chair and rubbing his toe. He probably broke it. He opened John's laptop, booting it up as he tried to figure out if surgery was going to be necessary.

"Why are you up?" John had pushed himself all the way up, and while his speech was getting clearer, he still looked exhausted.

"I think I solved the problem I was having last night with the equations. I have to write it down before I forget."

"At," John glanced at the clock, "four in the morning? We've only been asleep for two hours."

"Scientific breakthroughs don't wait until breakfast," Rodney said, his fingers typing the information into a word processing document.

He heard a sigh, and the soft noises that meant John was moving around. He didn't know what the other man was doing, however, until a cup of water and a wrapped square of Ghirardelli dark chocolate—70 percent cacao—appeared at his elbow.

Rodney looked up, his eyes wide. "What's that for?"

John leaned down and brushed a kiss across Rodney's lips. "I brought them for you from Earth. Don't stay up too late."

"I won't. I just…" he wiggled his fingers at the screen, "have to get this down. I don't want to forget it."

John kissed him again, rubbing his nose along Rodney's jaw. "Okay. Get to it, so you can finish and come back to bed."

"Hmm…okay," Rodney said, turning back to his computer once John moved away. He heard him slide back into bed under the sheets. Rodney quietly opened the chocolate, humming as it melted on his tongue. That was amazing.

He worked and ate, breaking off small pieces so he could enjoy it longer. It was nearly 5:30 before he finally finished his work, dumping it up on the server for Radek. He made a quick stop at the bathroom before sliding back into bed. He really needed to be up in an hour to get back down to the labs, but it was warmer in bed.

John didn't wake up, but did mutter something unintelligible and curled into Rodney, loose-limbed and sleep-warmed.

Rodney shivered as the heat slowly transferred into his body as he tried to move a little closer to John to soak up as much as he could. The warmth tugged him down into slumber and between one breath and the next he was asleep.

A squawking radio finally pulled him back to the waking world—a brightly lit world at that.

John was flailing a little, but managed to snag the radio. "Sheppard here."

"What time is it?" Rodney asked, sitting upright. It was way too bright. He was late. God, he was very late.

John put a hand on his leg. "Yeah, I was a lot more tired than I thought. Give me ten minutes, and I'll meet you in my office. Sheppard out." He gave Rodney a wry grin, leaning in to give him a quick, sweet kiss. "Lorne wants to know why I'm missing our meeting to catch me up on the last month. I have to run, but I'll see you later for lunch?"

"I was supposed to be in the lab two hours ago. Damn it," Rodney said, shoving off the covers and heading directly for the shower. He'd just put on yesterday's clothes. He didn't have time to stop for new ones—not that he had any, he didn't think.

John was right behind him, tugging on his own BDUs. His were unwrinkled and obviously clean. "You have a fresh uniform in my drawer—or you did last time I checked. And we're not on a deadline. No one will begrudge you a few extra hours of sleep, not when you've been putting in so many extra hours." He kissed Rodney again, before combing a hand through his hair. "Catch you later. Love you."

Even before Rodney could reply, John was out the door, leaving Rodney with a handful of his dirty clothes and his radio. Tapping it on, he contacted Radek, letting him know he'd be in the labs in about thirty minutes. He needed to shower and eat.

There wasn't a clean uniform in the drawers—he'd apparently used that one already—but there were clean boxers. That was even better at this point. He needed to find someone to do his laundry.

He spotted Lorne and John in the mess when he ran in, grabbing cookies, a Danish, and coffee, before heading down to the labs where Radek and Simpson were arguing. Ahhh. The sounds of scientists in the morning.

"Why aren't you working? Arguing is not working."

Neither of them looked at him, their yelling at each other only getting louder.

He put his food and coffee down and cupped his hands around his mouth. Taking a breath, he yelled, "Knock it off!"

The entire lab went silent. Radek was the first to recover. "You deal with her. I am tired of trying to explain why she is wrong." He turned and stalked toward his open laptop on a nearby table.

"First things first. Did you get the document I left you?"

It was Simpson who answered. "Yes, and I looked over the equations and had some suggestions for improvements. Zelenka," she shot the Czech a look that made Rodney glad they hadn't found any Ancient toys yet that gave people superpowers otherwise Radek would be dead right now, "is being an idiot and refusing to see how they can work."

Rodney sighed. "Fine, fine. Let's work through the issues and go from there."

And work they did. Rodney vaguely remembered seeing John at some point, hovering by the door as he worked with Radek on one of the simulations, but when he looked again he was gone. Simpson grabbed them dinner at some point as they sat and fine-tuned the rest of the project, the simulations working out the way they were supposed to—finally.

But now they had to do it in real life and make all the adjustments on the Ancient device on Doranda.

Radek stretched, standing up. "I think I will turn in for the night. We have done all we can for now. I wish to be rested for the full scale trial tomorrow."

"Yes. And it's early," Rodney said, glancing at his watch. "Elizabeth should still be up. I'll let her know we're good to go for tomorrow."

Simpson rolled her eyes. "It's after midnight. It's not early, and she's probably in bed. We're the only freaks still up. I'll see you both in the morning for the final run-through before we head off-world."

"But it is early…" Rodney said, shaking his head as he headed out with Radek, the two of them falling into silence. They'd done so much talking and yelling, there really wasn't anything left to say.

He said good night to the Czech before heading into his quarters, stripping out of his clothes and falling into bed a few minutes later. Oh, sweet sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, there was another square of chocolate on his beside table, along with a note and a clean uniform.

Fell asleep waiting for you last night. Guess this would be why you never showed up. Did your laundry with mine yesterday. See you in the ready-room at 1100 for the mission.

-J

Huh. He'd have to remember to thank John for the laundry. He'd forgotten to ask Miko to do it.

He took a leisurely shower and grabbed breakfast before heading down to the labs to prep all the equipment they'd need. Several cases later and they were ready and it was only 1115. Not bad at all.

When he stepped into the ready-room, John was still there, sitting on the bench, waiting for him. "Hey. Thanks for the chocolate and the laundry. You didn't have to do that."

"Hey, that's what I'm here for. Ready to head out?"

"Yeah. We have a bunch of cases that have to go with us. Equipment and materials and the like. I need to get a few Marines to go and grab it all."

John stood, already tapping his radio on to give the orders for his men to swing by the labs for the things Rodney had mentioned. "I need to go supervise loading the jumpers. We're set to leave in fifteen minutes."

"Good, good. The set up in the lab there will probably take a few days before we can actually fire up the device."

"We can shuttle back and forth if necessary. Elizabeth has cleared us to do what's needed to get to the test fire running." John put a hand on the back of Rodney's neck as he walked by, more a caress than anything else. "See you in a few."

"I'll be there." He nodded, offering John a broad smile. This was working. They were doing this. It was…this was going to be big.

***

John watched his lover and partner work in the Doranda facility, all manic energy and focused concentration.

It was almost frightening.

This was Doctor McKay, the arrogant bastard everyone had talked about in Antarctica, the Doctor McKay that had been sent to Russia because the SGC couldn't afford to lose him, but didn't want him close either. It was the Doctor McKay John hadn't seen since shortly after they first came to Atlantis.

He didn't know what it was about this project that was driving Rodney, making him push everyone and everything aside. They weren't under attack, so it wasn't that edge of desperation John had seen in the field, driving the other man to greater heights than even he thought possible. They weren't on a deadline, or under any kind of budget crunch. No one had anything to prove.

So why was Rodney acting like there was, like all that mattered was the project, and damn anyone who got in his way to hell?

It made John want to scream with frustration. This person wasn't the man he had fallen in love with, and so far every attempt to engage Rodney, to pull him back was being met with either a rebuff or outright hostility. He had never reacted that way, not even when they had first met. Then, he had been acidic, but there had been an edge of hope, like he was pushing, expecting John to agree with everyone else that Rodney wasn't worth the effort to crack, but somewhere inside hoping John would prove him wrong.

No, this was just nastiness. The only thing stopping John from really giving McKay a piece of his mind was that, in a few quiet moments, his Rodney would peek back out, sweet and hopeful and excited like a kid at Christmas. John couldn't take that away from him, couldn't yell at him when he knew how much Rodney was counting on this stupid weapon, for whatever reason.

Sighing, John settled a bit where he was leaning against the wall. Maybe once they got the damn weapon up and running, Rodney would relax, let go of whatever demon was driving him and let John back in again. All he had to do was wait a bit longer.

And that, of course, was when everything went to shit.

***