Chapter Text
Is it possible to meet the right person at the wrong time in life... twice?
No doubt it was Jeon Jungkook. That ridiculous laugh was indeed one of a kind. Suga’s fingers were clenched to the handle of the soaking wet umbrella. Shortly before he had reached the coffee shop, a gust of wind had caught it. It had gotten inverted and some of the ribs had snapped. It wouldn’t even close properly anymore. Raindrops kept dripping onto the scratched wooden floorboards of the small coffee shop in downtown Seoul. Suga had always hated rainy days, but apparently he was about to be fed yet another reason to curse them for the rest of his life. For a moment, he considered leaving before Jeon Jungkook looked up and noticed him. But his bewilderment had already made him stare just a little too long. Jeon Jungkook threw the dishtowel on his shoulder and raised his eyes to check who had caused the doorbell to chime.
At first, he just saw a young man with a black Supreme snapback, torn Blue Jeans and a leather jacket sparkling wet with the November rain. A North Face backpack was dangling from the boy’s shoulder and he was holding an umbrella as if he was not quite sure how it had gotten in his hand.
He smiled at that average boy like he would have smiled at any other guest entering the café, but then the boy turned his snapback backwards, raised his head a little and light fell onto his pensive face. Jeon Jungkook’s facial expressions hardened that very moment. He stopped and stared at Suga, who knew very well which scene was currently playing in the cinema hall of his memory. He would have loved to do him the favor of pulling the cine-projector’s plug. There was no reason whatsoever to watch this misery all over again. Trust me, no reason.
Suga closed his eyes to nod a formal greeting, then lowered the remains of his umbrella and looked around for a table far from the counter.
*
“Hyung.”
Suga looked up from his Macbook and sighed. Even if it was one of “his” tables that he had chosen by accident… Could he not have asked his colleague to serve him?
“Jeon Jungkook”, he murmured in a grumpy tone. “Long time no see.”
“Yeah. How long has it been?”
“Almost two years.” You know exactly how long it has been. You don’t forget the biggest mistake of your entire life that quickly.
“You’re right… goodness. What… are you doing here?”
“Having coffee? Or rather waiting for someone to finally take my order?”
Jeon Jungkook laughed a little, a little involuntarily. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure his colleague could go without him for the time being. Then he sat down on the edge of the armchair opposite to Suga.
“You didn’t change at all… at least characterwise. Grumpy Cat still can’t hold a candle to you, Hyung.”
“You still bring out the best in me”, Suga smiled coldly and clasped his hands in front of the knee that was resting on his other leg.
“Your appearance changed a lot, though. You look like a celebrity. Did you dye your hair… and when did you start wearing make-up?”
Suga did not even remotely consider taking off his snapback to grant Jungkook the view of his burgundy-dyed hair. He even toyed with the thought of turning the brim back to the front so it would cast a shadow on his face. He batted his painted eyelids arrogantly. Obviously, he only wore eye-makeup to distract from the dark circles that his face produced in revolt against his messed up sleep schedule.
But he eyed Jeon Jungkook up just as much.
His hair was still caramel, just like he already used to wear it in high school- much to the dismay of his buttoned-down teachers. But almost everything else had changed.
He was an adult now. His stature was that of a grown man. When Suga had last seen him, he had been a boy who had just turned 17. He had never been weedy or anything, but definitely a lot more childlike back then. His facial features that used to be all soft, now stood out quite prominently. The particularly high bridge of his nose was even more noticeable now. And he had also gotten his ears pierced meanwhile. A couple of times, actually. A lot of stuff was dangling from his auricles when he tapped his toes like he did right now. Suga had been profoundly convinced that he would never have to look into these unproportionally big saucer eyes again. But apparently there really was a fault in their stars to begin with.
“Now come on and tell me what brought you here. I’ve been working here at the Black Leaves café for almost a year now and I’ve never seen you around before. Isn’t it like… serendipity that we… randomly run into each other again like this?” Suga coughed in order not to burst out laughing. Did you really just say “randomly”? As if one of us would have ever made a move to willingly run into the other again in this life. Or one of the next lives for that matter.
“I moved to Sinchon only recently. I’m still looking for a Coffee Shop capable of brewing an Americano that wakes me up and doesn’t taste like acid. Had I but known! I would have rather given up on my caffeine addiction and died from the withdrawals than to enter the very shop you work at.”
“Hyung… you’re still your old self, aren’t you? Didn’t you miss me like… at all? We finally meet again after two years… and you’re still this rude to me?”
I miss you every single night. That’s why I’m still this rude to you.
“Well… I do miss you from time to time. Kinda like the way I’d also miss foot fungus… hemorrhoids… the herps… you know… that very painful and intimate kind of way.”
“Don’t you think it is destiny that we cross paths so randomly in a city like this?”
“You know what I would call destiny? If you got run over by a garbage truck and I would get to read about it in the newspaper, comfortably seated in my armchair while sipping on a cup of good coffee.
Jeon Jungkook pulled a face and tilted his head to the side.
“Are you still into music?”
Suga sat up in his chair a little.
“I’m running my own home-studio meanwhile. I’m a producer and I work for bands… but I also do own projects. I’m a rapper. I’m looking forward to wrap up my very first mix-tape by the end of the year and release it as soon as possible.”
“So you’re not only an idol by the looks… do you still… do you still play the piano?”
Suga gave him a judging look. Trapped in the body of that man was still that snotty, indelicate brat that never failed to put you on the spot. Jeon Jungkook had always been renowned for constantly confusing frankness with impertinence. Back in the days, whenever Jeon Jungkook had talked, he had talked back. He still left out honorifics in every other sentence. Was he really questioning why Suga still gave him the treatment he deserved? Had always deserved. Would have deserved that very moment when Suga had gone completely froot loops and – stop here!
“I don’t have a piano in my apartment anymore. I prefer to get rid of bad memories.”
This time his words had really hurt Jungkook. He let out a heavy sigh and apparently didn’t know what to ask next. Finally.
“Did you come to my table to take my order or just to be a pain in the ass?”, he added confidently.
“What would you like to drink, Hyung?”, Jeon Jungkook asked weakly.
“Ideally a nice cup of your tears. But as I expect you to be too clumsy to collect them, an Americano will do I guess… little water. Double shot of espresso.”
“Just like back in the old days…”
“Back in the old days, you only used to buy it for me and not prepare it yourself. Frankly speaking, I won’t get my hopes up that you manage to come up with something that doesn’t either taste of rainwater or tar, you wimp.”
“Let me see to that. Maybe I can prove you that I learned something in the meantime… learned to act like a grown-up that is. I’ll make sure to top it off with some tears of mine, though.” Jungkook got up and went back to the counter. Suga looked after him and smiled a small bitter smile behind his back.
*
I’m looking forward to wrap up my first mix-tape by the end of the year. It had passed his lips just like that. With utter conviction. As if there was the slightest bit of hope to really make this dream come true one day.
He had sold the piano. Not in order to get rid of what still reminded him of Jeon Jungkook, but to afford studio equipment. It had been the time to finally make a decision. If it had been up to him, he would never have given the piano away. After he and Jungkook had made that momentous mistake that could only be sorted out by the two of them parting ways for good, he had not touched the piano for a very long time. For he hadn’t wanted Jungkook’s fingerprints on the keys to fade. He had also left Jungkook’s sheets of music on the stand just as if he would return for his lesson the next day. He had never touched the keys of the piano again. Playing for himself had suddenly lost its appeal. Eventually, he had given up working as a piano teacher for good. Quit the musical school that had sent him students. Had gotten really invested in his studies to get his degree as soon as possible and then fully dedicate himself to producing music. Give me that future, I need it right now. And eventually, he had sold the piano.
But the future was a little long in the coming. Looking for the best Americano wasn’t quite the reason for him to stroll around the neighborhood for weeks now. His studio gave him some kind of cabin-fever these days. At the beginning, he had fully talked himself into believing that he could only write lyrics when it was noisy around him. That he needed the background noise of a coffee shop in order to concentrate on a new song. But whom was he even trying to fool? He was restless. And when it was quiet around him, he felt it even more painfully. Another reason why he didn’t like to be home lately was the young man who always stayed a little too long in the mornings (without being asked to even) and had the habit of not putting on clothes after taking a shower until he had to go somewhere. He worked as a dance instructor at a sports school and usually taught some hip-hop classes in the evenings. They weren’t in a real relationship and just occasionally slept with each other. Well… at any given opportunity. And that was the heart of the matter, really. Even though he was breathtakingly beautiful and a really good lay, the mere sight of him made Suga sad lately. It made him sad to watch him leave and know that maybe already that same day he might hook up with another guy. To hold him in his arms and kiss him after sex not knowing for sure whether he would stay the night and if they would get to fall asleep next to each other. But what made his heart ache the most was to feel him orgasm through the touch of his fingers while the realization hit home that actually he knew barely anything about him. And that he would never get to be this close to him for longer than the short moment they used each other to satisfy their very own needs. Of course he didn’t owe him. Suga had never been in a relationship in which somebody had owed him something. Just like Jeon Jungkook had been the last person to touch the keys of his brown piano, he had also been the last to put his hand on Suga’s heart.
Another reason was the free WIFI that most coffee shops offered. In order to save money, Suga used the public WIFI of a bar in the basement of his apartment complex but the concrete walls made the signal so weak that he wasn’t even able to send e-mails with large attachments. Thus, he couldn’t share audio files with his clients. One day, he would get himself a router. But this month a new drum machine had been more important. Priorities, you know.
Ever since Jeon Jungkook had disappeared from his life, Suga had ceased to drink black coffee for the taste. He now only drank it to stay awake and make it through the day.
He was always tired. Because he always stayed up until dawn to finish the something he was working on in time. But maybe one day, it would pay off. Currently, he only got to work on his own projects in his spare time because he spent every free minute on jobs that helped him to keep his head above the water financially. Usually, it was only enough to just about make it. Sometimes not even enough to pay the rent. He still did many jobs for free just to convince potential clients of his skills. As if he was standing in the streets in front of his newly opened restaurant, offering tapas on a tray, bands passed by snatching a piece of his work without turning around a second time. Some asked him to do a test mix, then denied collaboration for the whole album, but ended up publishing Suga’s demo on the internet and gained laurels for the amazing sound quality. Though the beginnings might be humble… he would not stop believing that one day he’d become prosperous.
Suga’s nights were longer than his days. Filled with beats, scrawled notes, liquor, the bluish smoke of cigarettes and the constant pursuit of happiness. From time to time, the ecstatic moans of the dance instructor mingled with the mentioned components. And then his nights got even longer.
Accordingly, he hated loud voices especially between 10 AM (the time when he usually got up) and 5 PM when he finally had a caffeine level that would have caused Sleeping Beauty to wake up with a start. Thus, his dismissive attitude towards Jeon Jungkook was not only a result of the circumstance that their first encounter had been a classic case of “the right person at the wrong time”. It was especially the frustration of getting the chance to meet him again at a point when he was still not ready for it.
*
“A double shot Americano with little water… and a few teardrops.”
Suga scrawled down the end of the verse he had been working on before looking up from his notebook. With a meaningful smile, Jungkook placed the paper cup in front of his former teacher.
Yoongi Hyung, it said in sharpie letters on the brown paper sleeve. A star was drawn next to it. Suga exhaled through gritted teeth. If possible, he would have not hesitated to sell his real name together with the piano back then.
“Try it”, Jungkook prompted. His earrings were dangling on his lobes when he leaned on Suga’s table.
Suga reached for the cup, turned it to make the writing face away from him and took a sip. He moved his lips against each other and waited for the flavor to fight its way through the burning heat. Then he raised his eyebrows and smiled wistfully.
“It’s good, isn’t it?”, Jungkook asked self-confidently, his hand still propped on the table. His arms had become so strong.
“It’s awfully bitter. But what did I expect? You always have to exaggerate, whatever you do.” He took another sip and, just like Jungkook, was not able to keep from smiling.
“Sit down again, will you, boy?”, he requested. Jungkook sank into the armchair. The one opposite to Suga again. But this time he properly occupied the whole seat. Suga’s eyes got caught on the nametag pinned to his apron.
“Jay?”, he asked, amused. “Are you one of the cool kids now?”
“There are quite a lot of foreigners here in Sinchon. Almost as many as in Hongdae. Our manager wants the shop to be all international and shit. That’s also why we write the customers’ names on the cups. You get the idea… to create a leaned back atmosphere… some sort of family environment. Especially elder Koreans don’t get what’s going on when asked for their first name while buying a coffee. It always leads to the most cringy situations.”
“Why didn’t you ask for my name?”
“Uhm… cause I know your name?”
“You don’t. Min Yoongi is already dead. I killed him.”
“Pardon? Oh I see… you do have a stage name meanwhile, don’t you?”
“You bet I have… Mr. Jay.”
“Will you tell me?”
“Nope.”
“Ah come on… I gotta know who to look up on iTunes.”
“My music is not your style. What was on your iPod back in the days? Chopin? Liszt? Schuhmann? As I said… I hawked the damn piano in the meantime.”
“I used to listen to classical music back then because my Mom made me listen to it. Just like she made me take piano lessons.”
“Is that so? And what kind of music are you into nowadays? K-Pop?”
“Hip Hop. I still have that USB with your favorite songs you gave to me.”
Suga paused. He had been about to take a sip from the Americano and burned his tongue a little. The tip of it stuck between his front teeth, he gave Jungkook a penetrating look. The caramel hair lay against his forehead in a slightly arched wave. It was a little longer than how he used to wear it. And his upper lids still got stuck from time to time, making it look as if he had double-eyelids. Right now only his right lid had a crease. Suga lowered his eyes.
“You said you’ve been working here for a year now. Are you a student?”
“Don’t change the subject like this, Hyung. First you gotta tell me your stage name.” Really. Whenever he opened his mouth to talk, it was backtalk. And “Hyung” was basically the only expression he was using appropriately to their age gap. All the verb endings were informal and thus should actually only be used on people younger than him. Was there a person younger than Jeon Jungkook on this planet?
“You’re still such a pain in the ass. I asked you a question. Answer me.”
“I’ve been working here ever since I started university. I’m doing arts… media design. But I focus on photography. I really like to take photos. I’m also into blogging and that kind of stuff. My photos have even been shown at university before during an exhibition.”
“And on top of all that you’re even modest”, Suga sneered and this time blew on the coffee before taking a sip. “Good thing you gave up on playing the piano. You were a hopeless case to begin with.”
In reality, Jeon Jungkook was a natural talent, had a very good ear and his sense of rhythm was on point. But it was fair enough to place part of the blame on Suga that his very first solo concert went down in school-history. For better or for worse.
“I wouldn’t have given up on it if… the circumstances hadn’t forced me to.”
Suga put down the cup so abruptly that the coffee almost spilled over. But Jungkook held his gaze.
“All in all… it was a pretty silly thing to do, wasn’t it?”
Are you kidding me? That story almost ruined me. Mind you, you were still a minor back then. While no one put the blame on you, I had to justify myself in front of everyone involved. Including your goddamn parents. After all, this “pretty silly thing” forced us to part ways and kept me from seeing you again. And it got me heart-broken. Heart-broken until this very day. Happy to hear you kept my USB, but my piano suddenly lost all of its worth when you didn’t come to play it anymore.
“I shouldn’t have said that, should I?”
“Did you ever say something you were actually supposed to say?”
“Don’t be angry at me anymore… please.” Jungkook looked into his eyes. And after two years it still had the same impact on Suga.
“I’m not angry. I just can’t stand you. These are two very different animals. Learn to tell them apart.”
“Well… there has been a time when you actually could stand me pretty well. Even if already back then you were too proud to admit it…”
“Take your clothes off and step outside into the sleet for a while. Then you might get a rough impression of how I feel about you.”
Jungkook let out an offended snort. But just like two years ago, he would not let himself be deterred for long. Already the very next moment, his stupid big eyes widened enough for also his left eye to form a double lid. What was this nut bar up to this time?
“You came to work here in the café, right? That means you’ll stay a little longer, won’t you? How about you have dinner with me after closing time?”
“Oh, I’d love to. But unfortunately can’t make it. I already have a date with the ceiling in my living room. We agreed to take it easy tonight. I’ll just stare at her from 9 PM to 2 AM. I hope you understand that I can’t ditch her.”
He couldn’t take him to dinner. He didn’t have the fucking money to eat out. He wasn’t able to pay for him. Let alone invite him to a restaurant that offered food adequate for the occasion. As the older one, it would have been his duty to take him to a ridiculously expensive barbeque restaurant. To make sure he ate and drank alcohol until he literally couldn’t move anymore. But Suga had reached a point where he thinned down the cheap rice wine from the supermarket with water to make it last longer. He wasn’t the person he wanted to be yet. Why did he run into Jeon Jungkook at the wrong time… again?
“Tell your ceiling that an old friend invited you and he’s treating. You can’t turn him down. The two of you bumped into each other by mere chance. Can’t reject destiny, Hyung. It may hurt her…. But she’ll eventually understand.”
“You wanna treat me to dinner? Over my dead body.”
“Come on, Bro. Cut your false modesty. I should really pay for you… We both know I have to make amends.”
“It’s not about being modest. I simply don’t wanna have dinner with you.”
“Do you still like lamb meat that much? Further down the street there is this kebab restaurant and I swear they make the best lamb skewers in all of Seoul. Let me treat you to lamb skewers.”
“Listen, Jungkook, I…”
“Jay?! I need a helping hand!” Jungkook and Suga turned to the counter. The guests had formed a line that almost reached all the way to the entrance door. And the two of them had not noticed the doorbell chime even once. Jungkook’s colleague beckoned him over, looking quite desperately.
“Suga”, Suga burst out completely out of context.
“Pardon me?”
“My stage name is Suga.”
“Sweet”, Jungkook winked and jumped to his feet.
*
Suga bit the chewing gum bubble so it would pop and scribbled over a word in the chorus that he had not been too sure about already while writing it down. But apart from very few little weak points, the lyrics for the song he had composed last night were already done. For some reason, writing had been a walk in the park for him today. For the first time within weeks, he was satisfied with himself. The lyrics were rather optimistic. They dealt with never giving up on your dreams, no matter the hardships you had to face for it. The beginnings might be humble. But the end will be prosperous. He dropped the pencil onto his notepad, pressed his tongue against the gum to make another bubble and looked outside.
Strong gusts of wind kept blowing the sleet against the shop window. He had planned to stay a little longer anyway. There were still a bunch of e-mails to write… and there was no one waiting for him to come home anyway. Most likely the dance instructor had left already. And even if he was still at his place… Suga would lay all odds on him chatting with some other guy and not glancing at the clock even once.
Jungkook’s colleague made her way through the café with a fully laden tray and sat down a new Americano when she passed by his table.
“This one’s from Jay. It’s on the house.”
With a surprised look, Suga reached for the cup and pulled it closer. Then he noticed the writing on the sleeve.
Suga Hyung. No star this time but an ornate clef.
Suga sighed. He used his thumb and index finger to take the gum from his mouth and it was only then when he noticed that he didn’t have a napkin at hand. He glanced at his notepad and considered tearing out a piece of paper to wrap the gum in it. But then he made up his mind and without further ado stuck it under the table. When he looked up again, Jeon Jungkook’s glance was already awaiting him. He turned a saucer in a dishtowel and looked at Suga like a store detective, who had just busted a child swiping candy. Suga bit down on his lower lip. Within a matter of seconds, he broke into sweat. Jeon Jungkook’s glance directly made it through his clothes and finally raised a guilty smile from him. Jungkook winked. He held the saucer in one hand and put the index finger of the other against his lips. Shhh. Let’s pretend I didn’t see it. Suga returned the gesture. And it basically was pretty damn foolish, because they had already failed brilliantly to keep a secret together once.