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It hit him gradually, all the ways in which Dan had grown.
He couldn’t pin point the moment it dawned on him. The moment when he looked towards the person next to him and realized, oh shit, he’s an adult.
There where the obvious signs, the obvious physical attributes, the ones that were noticeable straight away.
The way he got taller, wider, and sharper over the years.
The way he started to fill up his cloths, and the way Phil’s university hoodies started to get a little too tight on him.
The way Phil’s mom started saying “oh my! Did you get bigger again? Look how handsome!” every time they came over to visit.
The way he could almost rest his head on Phil’s when he was hugging him close.
All those changes were there and they were obvious and visible and Phil could easily name them and write them down on a list if he wanted to.
But there were other things, maybe less visible from a first glance, but they were there none the less.
Like the way he got more confidant in himself, smiled wider and held himself just a tiny bit straighter.
The way he handled social situations. When in the past, he would shy away, look for Phil for reassurance and help and moral support whenever meeting a new person, now he was chatting with a smile, rescuing Phil whenever he said something just a little too weird, a little too abnormal to be considered an okay thing to say to a stranger.
The way he smiled and said “thank you” when someone was paying him a compliment, instead of trying to mumble his disagreement.
All those changes didn’t happen in one night. No, they developed slowly and gradually and Phil was there to witness the process and be a part of it.
And there was nothing he wanted more than this. More than witness Dan’s happiness and be there and see all the ways in which Dan’s life had chanced for the better, all the ways in which Dan had changed for the better.
So he couldn’t help but feel a little surprised, a little caught off guard, when he realized that instead of feeling content, instead of feeling happy by the notion that the person he loved most in life was finally in a good place, he felt anxious and uneasy.
Because suddenly, all those thoughts that were swirling in his head when he was much younger with much less to offer started attacking him again in the most random of times, leaving him terrified and paralyzed with no idea how to shut is brain up.
And when the realization that Dan didn’t need him as much as he used to wrapped its cruel claws around his throat, refusing to let him breathe, he didn’t know how to make his body take a deep breathe and think rationally on the situation.
Because he knew Dan loved him. He did. He knew he did. And they had years spent together in devotion and dedication and hard work on themselves and their relationship to prove it.
But he also knew that Dan was 18 when they started dating. He was young and lost and questioning himself and his sexuality and life when Phil entered the picture, providing the escape and reassurance that Dan was so desperately looking for.
And even though Phil didn’t have a lot going on for him at the time, Dan still looked at him like he had all the answers to the universe and it made Phil feel like maybe, on some level, it was true.
And even though he knew Dan loved him, was pretty sure of it at least, he couldn’t shake the thought that maybe they got together before Dan really realized all the other options he had.
Because Dan was loved and successful and impressive and he didn’t need his security blanket anymore, and Phil was terrified that one day he would see that Phil wasn’t the only one paying him attention, that he could find something else if he wanted to.
He wasn’t under any obligation to stay by Phil’s side and Phil was so scared that his selling points were running short.
He had this fear, ever since he was young, of not being good enough.
And it was a stupid, irrational fear, because he was well loved by his family, and he always had friends (even if not many) and there was no reason for him to feel the need to prove his worth to people. But still.
He remembers thinking about it from a pretty young age. Remembers trying to always be the best friend he could be, always trying to buy the best presents for everyone’s birthdays and ignoring his feelings when he was hurt.
Because in the back of his head, he always had the understanding that other people owe him nothing, and they can easily leave him if they wanted to.
He was terrified of people deciding he was not up to their standards, deciding they had other options and leaving him, so he made sure to sell himself as best as he could, to prove to them he was worth their time.
But when he met Dan, everything became small in comparison.
Suddenly other people’s opinions weren’t as important as the opinion of the smiling, lovely boy on his computer screen.
And Phil got drunk on the feeling of being admired and wanted like that, on the feeling of someone not just thinking he was good enough, but counting his lucky stars just by being with him.
And it was all a weird obsession he had, he knew it was stupid and useless to dwell on but he couldn’t help but feel that his time to show his value to Dan was running out.
And it started with little things, him trying to make Dan stay by doing more for him than usual, complaining less when Dan asked him to do things he didn’t want to do.
Like doing to dishes when it wasn’t his turn, or closing the cabinet doors, or making Dan’s favorite diner for him.
But it became a constant fear, something that was always in the back of his mind.
‘He’s going to leave if you’re not going show him he has something to stay for.’
His thoughts were taunting him, whispering cruel words in the middle of the night, keeping him awake and troubled.
And one night when they were lying in bed, Phil couldn’t make himself fall asleep because earlier that day he told Dan he loved him, but didn’t hear an ‘I love you’ back.
And he knew it was stupid, they didn’t always say it back and Dan was saying it more than enough for him to feel reassured. But still. He couldn’t shake the nagging feeling off of his heart.
Dan was lying with his back to him, because it was too hot to cuddle and sometimes they did need their personal space while sleeping. But Phil’s sleep deprived brain was convincing him that this was another sign of their approaching end.
After tossing and turning for about an hour, he couldn’t take it anymore. He looked over at Dan, his breathing was steady and his long, exposed back was relaxed in his sleep.
Phil scooted closer, sneaking his hand up Dan’s arm, drawing small patterns on his shoulder.
Dan let out a small sleepy noise, but scooted a little backwards towards Phil’s touch.
Phil felt something inside him clench at the movement.
He wrapped his arms around Dan and squeezed him close, almost painfully hard, which earned him a tired groan from Dan.
“What do you want?” Dan grumbled at him, but his body moved even closer to Phil’s.
And Phil felt like an idiot. Because here he had Dan in his arms, moving to be closer to him and accepting him and sleeping in the same bed as him for years and years and still he could feel his throat closing off and his eyes blinking away tears.
Because Dan’s body was big and grown up in his arms, and he didn’t need Phil protecting him anymore. He didn’t need Phil’s help anymore.
And if they take away all the ways in which Phil helped Dan when he was younger out of the equation, all the ways in which he used to need him, well, all that was left was Phil.
And was it really enough?
Dan’s breathing was starting to even out again and Phil couldn’t take the feeling of uncertainty anymore.
“Dan?” he said quietly, hoping that Dan would interpret Phil’s tight voice as a sleepy voice.
“Umm what?” he mumbled, burying his head deeper in his pillow, trying to block out the noise.
“Do you love me?”
The question was a little too loud in the quite room, and Phil cringed at how desperate it sounded.
Dan was quiet for a second.
“What kind of question is that in the middle of the night?” he grumbled back, words slurring from sleep.
Phil didn’t answer, but his grip on Dan’s body got a little weaker.
He knew it was a stupid question.
They were silent for a few moments, and Phil thought Dan fell back asleep before he heard him speak again.
“Of course I love you Phil, you know that.”
Phil could hear the roll of his eyes. He was humoring him, saying what Phil wanted to hear so he could go back to sleep and not feel guilty for leaving him hanging.
Phil took a big breath to try and calm his mind down, but said nothing.
He could feel Dan moving in his arms, rolling around to face him.
He still looked sleepy but something focused in his eyes when he saw Phil’s face.
He reached out and traced Phil’s cheek with the tip of his fingers, making Phil’s insides twist even more.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you asking?” Dan asked, scooting a little closer to Phil so their knees were touching. His voice sounded more awake and serious than before.
All Phil could manage to do was shrug. He didn’t trust his voice at that moment.
“Did you break something again? You can tell me I won’t be mad,” he tried to joke, poking Phil’s cheek with his finger.
Phil couldn’t help but laugh a little, even though it came out slightly watery and made Dan’s face twist in concern.
“Hey-“
“Sorry, it’s nothing, really. Just having kind of a bad day I guess.” Phil said, trying to smile reassuringly at Dan.
It wasn’t a complete lie. But it wasn’t the truth either.
Nothing was really wrong about that particular day. Or any other day for that matter.
The last year was one of the best of Phil’s life, both of their lives, and that was kind of the problem.
Because his luck was going to run out and things couldn’t keep being so good for so long and that’s when they’ll start to fall apart.
But he couldn’t explain that to Dan. He couldn’t and he didn’t want to because more than anything he was afraid to put the thought in Dan’s mind. To put in the seed of their end and cause it to come quicker.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asked, moving his hand to play with Phil’s hair, scratching at his scalp in a way that always made Phil melt.
Phil shook his head, taking Dan’s other hand in his own and bringing it to his lips, planting a lingering kiss to his palm.
“I think I’m just going to take a shower or something, it’ll probably help me sleep.” Phil said, feeling the need to escape Dan’s attentive look.
“Okay,” Dan said, cupping Phil’s cheek and leaning in to leave a kiss on his lips.
And instead of making Phil feel better, it just made the lump in his throat bigger, because what would he do if he ever lost this? Lost Dan?
He untangled himself from Dan and got up from their bed, but Dan caught his hand before he had the chance to walk away.
“Do you want me to join you?” Dan asked, looking at him with tired eyes.
Phil leaned down and planted and kiss on Dan’s forehead, then kissed both his eyelids for good measure.
“Sleep,” was all he said before squeezing Dan’s hand one more time and walking out of the room.
Phil took his time showering.
His heart was beating fast and relentlessly in his chest, making his body ache.
He tried to wash the anxiety away, imagining it going down the drain with the soapy water.
It was something his mom used to tell him to do when he was young and shy and easily affected by everything that happened around him and had days that left his insides tied in a knot.
Some things never changed.
When he got back to the room, it looked like Dan was fast asleep, and he was glad for it.
He didn’t want Dan to stay awake because of him.
He didn’t want to be a burden.
He had to be useful for him if he wanted Dan to keep him around, someone Dan needed in his life.
He climbed back in bed next to Dan, trying as hard as he could not to disturb his sleeping body.
But the minute his head settled on the pillow, he felt Dan’s body move closer to him, wrapping him in his arms from behind and holding him close.
“Love you,” he murmured into Phil’s hair, sleepy and sweet and just a little too much for Phil to handle at the moment.
“Love you too.” He said quietly, and felt Dan kiss the back of his head in response.
He could feel Dan slipping back to sleep, his breathing becoming steadier and his hold on Phil’s body becoming weaker.
Phil settled for another restless night.
*********************************************
In the morning Dan woke up to an empty bed. The sheets next to him were cold, which meant that Phil was up for some time already.
He let himself stretch and wake up slowly, slipping in and out of consciousness.
But when he felt his mind clear up a bit from the sleep that clouded his thoughts, he couldn’t help the concern washing his body.
Phil was acting strange for some time now.
Dan couldn’t really pin point the problem, and sometimes he was sure he was imagining things, but something was definitely wrong. He was sure of it now.
Phil was acting quitter than usual. He wasn’t teasing and playful like he used to be, and Dan felt like he was shutting the door on him, pushing him out of his life.
But at the same time, he was more affectionate than usual, initiating more physical contact and kissing and touching Dan more frequently.
Dan was confused, to say the least.
But last night… Well, if he had any doubts about something being wrong up until this point, he was sure of it now.
The thing was, he wasn’t quite sure how to approach the situation.
Phil had a tendency to shut himself in when being questioned, and Dan wanted to give him the opportunity to work out whatever it was he was going through by himself, should that be his desire.
Lord knows Phil stayed quiet more than one time when Dan needed him to stay out of his way, letting him have his space when he needed it, providing all the support Dan desired, but never pushing to know what was wrong if Dan didn’t want him to.
For now, he would have to settle for just being there for Phil, showing him he could talk to Dan if he wanted to, but at the same time didn’t have to if that wasn’t what he needed.
But that all flew out the window when Dan finally got out of their room and made his way to the kitchen, finding Phil in there sitting on the floor and silently crying over a broken bowl of flour.
Dan stared at the scene in front of him with wide eyes.
Phil’s face was red and crumpled in the effort to keep quiet. His hand had a bleeding cut on it which Phil ignored while picking up the broken glass with his bare hands.
“Phil!” Dan exclaimed, a little louder than he intended to.
Phil physically flinched at his voice, which made Dan feel guilty and taken aback all at the same time.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’ll clean it I promise, I’m sorry!” Phil was crying, and Dan couldn’t be more confused at that moment.
“Don’t be stupid! You cut your hand Phil! We need to bandage it!” he said, feeling even more confused and concerned when Phil didn’t move from his position on the floor, still picking up broken pieces with his bleeding hand, avoiding Dan’s eyes.
“For god's sake Phil.”
Dan made his way to Phil, crunching down in front of him.
Phil was still avoiding his eyes, but he stopped his actions at least.
Dan took his hand in his gently, and was glad when Phil didn’t pull away from him.
He let out a relieved breath. The cut didn’t seem too deep, but they did need to clean and bandage it.
“Come on, let’s go clean you up you spoon.” He said softly, trying to pull Phil to a standing position. Phil didn’t resist, but once they were standing he pulled his hand out of Dan’s grasp and smiled big and fake at him, tears still rolling out of his red, swollen eyes.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s really not that bad, I can take care of it myself. You can go wait in the lounge, I’ll bring you breakfast when I’m done.” He said with a shaky voice, and Dan couldn’t help but stare at him with wide eyes.
“What the hell are you talking about?” he had a real hard time keeping the exasperation he was feeling out of his voice.
But when he saw the way Phil’s eyes filled with pain, he tried to pull himself together.
He took a small step towards his slightly shaking boyfriend, taking his not-injured hand in his, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.
“Come on Phil, let me help you. You know I get too worried too easily. It will help me if I could take care of you myself.” He said, and could already feel the defeat in Phil’s body. He knew Phil couldn’t resist that kind of wording.
One thing Dan knew for sure was that Phil would do anything if it meant Dan felt better for it.
“Okay,” Phil answered quietly, looking down to their linked hands.
Dan lifted Phil’s hand and planted a kiss to his fingers as a reward, before pulling on it to get Phil to follow him to the bathroom.
When they got there he made Phil wash his bleeding hand under the running water, rubbing his back soothingly when he flinched from the sting.
When he was done he instructed Phil to lean against the sink while he fished for the first aid kit.
Living with Phil meant Dan knew exactly where to look. By this point he was an expert at cleaning up cuts and kissing the pain of bruises away.
Phil was silent, letting Dan do his thing while avoiding his eyes at all cost.
“What were you trying to do anyway?” Dan asked, trying to ease the tension, even though he didn’t know what Phil was tense about. It definitely wasn’t the first time they were in this position, and probably won’t be the last as well.
“I wanted to make you pancakes, as an apology for waking you up last night.” His voice was so tight and Dan didn’t get anything at all, because what the hell did Phil have to apologize for?
“But instead I made a huge mess for you to worry about. I’m sorry Dan, I promise I’ll clean everything up.”
Phil’s eyes started to fill with tears again, and Dan couldn’t take it anymore. It was most definitely not about the spilled flour or broken bowl. Something was causing Phil pain and he needed to know what it was right away, so he could fix it.
“Phil, you know I don’t care about that. I lived with you long enough, I stopped fussing over broken dishes a long time ago.”
Dan was surprised when his words didn’t make Phil smile, not even a little bit. Instead, it made his face frown and caused more tears to spill out of his eyes.
Dan kept quiet for a few moments, finishing tending to Phil’s wounds, concluding his treatment with a kiss to the bandage.
“All better,” he said, his lips still pressed lightly to Phil’s palm.
“Thanks,” Phil answered, but when he tried to slip away from Dan, Dan wrapped both his arms around Phil’s waist, keeping him in his place against the sink.
“Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you or do I have to tickle it out of you?” he tried, not even earning a small giggle from Phil.
But at least Phil didn’t deny it, didn’t try to argue his way out of the conversation, and that was a start.
He was still avoiding Dan’s eyes though, and Dan wasn’t having any of that.
He reached out one of his hands, grabbing Phil’s chin gently and lifting his head up to meet his gaze.
Phil’s eyes were red and tiered and Dan couldn’t help but beat himself up internally for letting this go on for so long.
“Phil, if there is one thing I learned from fanfiction, is that we can skip so much of the angst by just clearly communicating with each other. That, and that apparently I really love it up the ass.”
That finally earned him a small, red cheeked smile from Phil, and he couldn’t feel prouder of himself.
“Don’t be crude,” he mumbled, shoving Dan a little with one hand, only to fist the front of Dan’s shirt a moment later and hold tightly.
Dan stepped a little closer to Phil, now feeling surer of himself, and tightened his hold on Phil’s waist.
“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, how can I fix it?” he said, moving his hand from Phil’s chin to his cheek, cupping it lightly.
Phil’s face twisted again, but Dan waited patiently for him to say something, not wanting to push too much.
“I don’t know how to explain it to you.” He said eventually.
“Try?”
“I don’t know if I should.”
“Please? You know I would never judge you, I just want to help you feel better.” He tried again, tracing Phil’s cheek with his fingers, trying to soothe him with his touch.
At that Phil’s eyes focused on Dan’s, and Dan could see the inner turmoil going on inside Phil’s mind.
“Do you love me?” He asked, and Dan couldn’t mask the surprise from his face.
“Phil, you know I do, I really really do. Is that what this is about?” Dan asked, feeling puzzled. He always made sure to let Phil know how loved he was. He had no idea where this was coming from.
Phil nodded, and then shook his head.
“Yes, and no.” he said, avoiding Dan’s eyes once again.
“Well, great, glad we cleared that up.” Dan said, trying to smile at Phil but earning another frown in return.
“It just that… I know you love me right now, but what about tomorrow? Or next week? Or in a year from now?” Phil tried to explain himself.
Now Dan was frowning at him as well.
“Phil, we’ve been together for years, nothing is going to change. At least not us being together.” He said, trying to understand his boyfriend’s thought process.
“No, you don’t understand.” Phil said in frustration, pulling himself from Dan’s body and starting to walk back and forth in the small room, until stopping again and looking at Dan.
“we’ve been together for years because you needed me, or at least you thought you needed me, but now you’re all grown up and confident and happy and one of this days you’re going to realize you don’t need me anymore and leave and I’m just trying to make sure that that day is as far away into the future as possible.”
When Phil ended his speech his eyes were moist again and Dan didn’t know what to do because he never saw Phil cry so much in one conversation before.
But Phil was hurting and something put these ridiculous thoughts into his beautiful head and Dan had to make sure he would never think like this again.
“Phil, you idiot, of course that’s not going it happen.” He started, making Phil look at him through red rimmed, teary eyes.
“The reason I’m happy today is because you are in my life, can’t you see that?” he added, stepping closer to Phil and taking a hold of his shaking hands, squeezing them in his.
Phil shook his head.
“No, that’s not true. I… I maybe helped you get there, but now it’s all you and you could easily find someone else that makes you happier, someone with more to offer you, because one day you’ll wake up and realize I’m not enough.”
Phil’s voice broke on the last word, and Dan could feel his own eyes fill with tears. He never knew Phil felt like this, never knew he had these fears.
“I just wanted to show you that you do have a reason to stay, that…that I can be what you need, or at least I can try. But I ruin everything I touch and at this rate I’m going to drive you away even faster.”
Dan noticed his own hands were shaking when he lifted them up to cup Phil’s cheeks, whipping the tears away with his thumbs.
“Phil, listen to me. There is no one else for me but you, do you get that? You don’t need to give me reasons to want you, okay? You don’t need to convince me to stay with you, I got sold years back, and that’s really not going to change.”
Phil really didn’t look convinced, but Dan was determined to turn that around.
“I love you so much phil. You have no idea. You really don’t need to be scared you’re not enough. You’re more than I ever wanted or deserved, you’re everything to me Phil. What we have here is good and it’s forever and I’m so angry with you for doubting that and my love and most of all you’re value because even if I could be happy without you I would never ever want that. Nothing could ever compare to you and me, okay? Please believe me.”
Dan was full on crying when he finished talking, because he was a sap and nothing made him sadder than a sad Phil and he just now started to realize how sad Phil really was for the last god knows how long.
Phil was still crying and Dan pulled him in and wrapped himself as tightly as he could around Phil’s body, trying to show him he was there, with him, and there was nowhere else he ever wanted to be.
Phil was fisting the back of Dan’s shirt tightly between his fingers, head buried in his neck.
“Please believe me.” Dan said again, tangling his fingers in Phil’s hair and kissing the side of his head again and again, trying to show Phil all he was feeling.
Phil nodded against him when his tears finally calmed down a little, clinging to him harder. He left a few kisses on Dan’s neck, trying to calm him down as well, soothe his worried state.
Dan pulled away at that, only to connect their lips together, kissing Phil gently but deep, both hands on Phil’s face.
“I love you,” Phil said once they pulled away.
“I love you too, if that wasn’t clear after that award winning, tear jerking speech I just gave you,” Dan answered, trying to lighten up the mood.
Phil giggled a little, which made Dan’s heart do a little leap of victory, and kissed Dan’s lips again.
“I can always stand to hear it again,” he said, looking at Dan with mischief in his eyes.
And Dan knew not all was fixed. He knew Phil probably still had his doubts, and a few heartfelt words weren’t going to change his whole way of thinking, but they could keep working on that, now that Dan knew what the problem was. They had time.
For now, he settled on kissing Phil’s pink, wet cheeks, whispering “I love you, I love you, I love you,” again and again and again.