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Kim Minseok has just turned six, which makes him one of the oldest kids at the kindergarten. He talks excitedly to Dongwoo about starting in school together in a few months even if Dongwoo still hasn’t turned six years yet. They think he might be one of the youngest in their class, because of course, they’re signed to the same school, so they’ll definitely be sorted into the same class, right? They’ll have each other, what is there to be scared of, they say when some of the younger boys ask them, curiously.
Minseok is a sweet boy, polite and mannered, considerate and always ready to reach out with a helping hand, and Jongdae, well, he’s a brat, because he doesn’t want Minseok hyung to leave the kindergarten yet, at least not without him. Jongdae tries to monopolize him, because they don’t have a lot of time left together, and who cares about Dongwoo hyung when he gets Minseok hyung for himself after summer anyway, he says, sticking his tongue out. Minseok only smiles. He guesses he doesn’t mind, because Jongdae is fun, even if he likes to tease him all the time and tries to slip a spider into his lunch box sometimes.
Actually, Minseok likes Jongdae a lot, because Jongdae makes him feel happy.
They’re in Minseok’s room, sitting on his bed and doing nothing in particular when Minseok says, “Hey, school starting soon again, excited?”
It feels a little like that time, years ago when Minseok had asked him, hey, you’re starting school in a year, are you excited?
The Last time, Jongdae had whined, saying that he was mature enough to start right now and that he didn’t want to wait another year. Minseok had told him not to be so impatient, but that he would happily help him keep the bullies away when his bratty attitude would get him in trouble. Jongdae had rolled his eyes, told him, hyung, you think you’re so cool, just because you’ve been to school one year now, but you’re still smaller than me!
Now, Jongdae is lying down on his bed, getting himself comfortable and staring up at Minseok’s ceiling quietly.
“Um,” he starts hesitantly, putting his hands on his chest, “So you know, my mom’s Chinese right? She says she misses home and wants to go back. Dad thinks it’s a bad idea, but she won’t stop talking about it, so after a bit dad said it was okay.”
Minseok blinks, a little confused, asking, “What was okay?”
“Going to China.”
“Your mom is going to China? Is she leaving you?” Jongdae turns his head, looking at Minseok like he’s about to cry, because Minseok just doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t cry, because Jongdae is ten now, he’s a big boy.
“No, we’re all going,” he says bitterly. It’s quiet for a short while, Minseok still trying to process the new piece of information when Jongdae whispers, voice small and broken, “Hyung, I don’t want to go to China.”
Minseok is really afraid that Jongdae is going to cry now, even if he can’t see any tears in his eyes, so he pulls him up for a hug, patting his hair and pretends that it doesn’t hurt when Jongdae’s chin digs into his shoulder, hushing him while he tries to add a few comforting words in between.
The heat is unbearable this summer and Minseok is just happy that he doesn’t have to wear his uniform during the break even though he still feels incredibly and uncomfortably hot in casual clothes. He already has plans today, but when Jongdae shows up at his door, unexpectedly, he decides to cancel on Hakyeon, even if his friend whines over the phone when he calls to tell him. But he hasn’t seen Jongdae in a year, and he’s missed him, so very much, even if he doesn’t want to admit it when Jongdae asks him with a lopsided smile.
They spend most of the time catching up, talking and talking some more, because there’s so much to tell and the days are longer during summer, the sky still light outside of Minseok’s window when Jongdae’s mom comes by to pick him up.
Jongdae doesn’t want to leave yet, he tells her, they’re not done talking yet. She laughs heartily and tells him that he can come by again tomorrow. He nods, a little defeated, but is still smiling as he says goodbye to Minseok.
Minseok is sitting in his front yard when Jongdae comes by, sitting on an old sweatshirt that is too hot to wear on a day like this. He’s leaning against the trunk of a tree, shielding himself from the sun under the thick crown of leaves. Jongdae almost misses him, nearly at the door when Minseok calls him over. They sit beside each other quietly by the tree.
The weather is nice, a little chillier than yesterday, the wind sending playful puffs of air against Minseok’s face, a faint blush on his cheeks caused by the sun, bright and high in the sky. It’s perfect, he thinks, but Jongdae asks him if they shouldn’t go inside instead.
There’s something on Jongdae’s mind, Minseok can tell from the way his fingers pick at his shirt and how his eyes can’t seem to focus on one thing for too long, so he agrees, picking up his things.
“Is something wrong?” Minseok asks when they’re inside his room, slightly worried, because Jongdae had seemed just fine yesterday. Jongdae smiles at him, sheepishly, but genuinely.
“I wanted to tell you yesterday, but we didn’t have time,” he says, crossing his legs, the smile growing bigger on his face, “I got a girlfriend in China!”
Minseok blinks, mouth falling open while Jongdae continues and even when his eyes close into slits, the gleam in his eyes is unmistakable.
It hurts a little more than Minseok thought something like this would.
Jongdae blabbers on in excitement, but Minseok can’t hear him, can only see the movements of his mouth. His words sound blurred, like they can’t reach him or as if there’s a filter between them. It’s weird, but he thinks Jongdae is talking about the girl and how small and delicate her hands are.
“Have you kissed her yet?” he interrupts. Jongdae looks away from Minseok, his cheeks red.
“No,” he says quietly, “I want to, but I don't know how I'm supposed to—like when should I...”
Minseok nods quietly, understanding and he breathes in a little deeper, but when he doesn't say anything, Jongdae breaks.
"Hyung, I've never kissed anyone before, it’s my first kiss! She's a—a noona. She's probably experienced! I bet she had some really handsome boyfriends before me who were good kissers. What if I mess up or don’t do it right and she doesn't like it? What if she breaks up with me? I don’t know how to do this!" he says in a hurried voice, a pitch higher than usual. The blush on Jongdae’s face has spread to his ears now.
Minseok thinks, hard and like crazy, trying to figure out how he could and how he’s supposed to reply. There are things he wants to say that knows he can't, but the words manage to slip out of his lips in a fleeting moment. He barely realises that he has spoken out loud.
"You could practice by kissing me first?"
He hopes for just a short moment that Jongdae didn't hear him, but he knows he did from the way Jongdae is staring. Then his instincts tell him to deny, deny, deny. Jongdae still stares at him in shock as he tries to explain himself, telling one excuse after another, mixing some of them with lies.
"It's wouldn't count, since we're both boys—it’s only practice," he repeats one last time.
Jongdae says, quietly, after a few seconds of silence, "It really won't count, right?"
"Right," Minseok says, looking down on the floor instead of Jongdae and the way he sucks his lip in between his teeth.
“Okay.” Minseok blinks and finds that Jongdae isn’t looking at him, so he lets out a shaky breath, scooting closer to the other who sits across from him. The mattress creaks beneath them.
He gulps audibly when he slowly closes the distance between. He wants to close his eyes too when Jongdae does, but he can’t help but stare at his eyelashes instead and the way they curve upwards.
Minseok can’t remember ever having been so close to Jongdae before; he can see his small, tiny white hairs, all the dips and bumps and imperfections of his skin. Minseok is so close that he can’t see his entire face; has to look down, tilt his head a bit, to find Jongdae’s lips, because he’s afraid of missing them when he’s finally close enough to touch.
The kiss is chaste, just a soft press of lips, but the light touch still sends a shiver through his entire body. His cheeks are burning. Jongdae is looking back at him when he opens his eyes.
“That—can we… do it again?” he asks and Minseok nods.
This time, Jongdae places his hands on both of Minseok’s shoulders for supports when leans in, pulling the other forward as well. Jongdae kisses him a little harder, angling his head so that their noses won’t bump into each either, lips parting slightly as he tries to imitate the couples he has seen in the dramas his mother watches.
He waits a little before he pulls back, stretching out the kiss for a bit longer. His skin is tingling and he’s not ready for it to stop. He does need to end the kiss though, because Jongdae can’t remember how to breathe through his nose with the feeling of Minseok’s lips on his own.
His hand is still on top of Minseok’s shoulder when he rests his head there, murmuring something before he begins to breathe in and out deeply in a steady pace, closing eyes. Minseok doesn’t reply, but Jongdae can tell that he liked the kiss too from the way he threads his fingers into his hair.
Jongdae kisses him again the next day, and the day after that, and then the day afterwards too, and more come as well. Minseok kisses him back, his hands leaving his side to grab Jongdae by his shirt and pull him closer. He grabs the fabric a little tighter by each day; he’s not ready for Jongdae to leave, so perhaps he’s clinging, holding onto what he can before Jongdae leaves again.
At night when Minseok can’t sleep and is by himself in his bed, when his eyes have gotten used to the dark and he has turned his pillow over several times, he tries not to think about Jongdae. Jongdae, who is going back to China in a week. Jongdae who has a girlfriend back in China.
Jongdae who will share his first kiss with his girlfriend in China, because he doesn’t believe his kisses with Minseok count.
To Minseok, they do.
Minseok already knows when Jongdae will come by. He’s anticipating their meeting, feeling both excited and anxious about it. They have chatted shortly numerous times over the years, but both have been reluctant to share photos of each other and have never had the time to call, so Minseok doesn’t know what he is supposed to expect.
He doesn’t think he has changed much himself. He’s pretty sure he has stopped growing, which is a little too early for him, he thinks, and even though he has lost weight, some of the baby fat still remains on his body and on his cheeks. He doesn’t really like it, would rather look his age instead or at least be a little taller so that it would be easier to convince strangers or the clerk at the supermarket of his age. It’s easy though, to fall into the cute image when one of your closest friends, who are a fair amount of centimetres taller than you, likes to ruffles your hair and encourages you, along with the exchange student, to do expressions that supposedly are imitations of a bun. He guesses, with their reactions, it’s not too bad.
Unlike Minseok, Jongdae doesn’t have any baby fat left. His face is all sharp angles with his tall cheekbones, slanted eyes and curved lips. It’s not that he looks older, Minseok just simply looks younger. His only victory is that they seem to be the same height.
He guess he doesn’t mind much that Jongdae tells him that he looks as cute as ever, stepping into his house and taking his shoes off as if it hadn’t been more than six years he last came by. He greets Minseok's mother a little more timidly, but smiles brightly when she tells him, welcome back.
Jongdae crosses his legs when he sits on Minseok's bed, just like he's always done. They talk with each other eagerly, repeating the same conversations they've had online. The stories are longer when they come from Jongdae's mouth, and it’s when Jongdae tells him about his short trip to the States, California, that Minseok thinks to himself that he likes the sound of Jongdae's voice.
He stays over for the night and instead of sleeping, they spend the hours talking. Minseok doesn’t have as many stories to offer, so he lets Jongdae do most of the talking instead. He asks him to tell him everything, listening carefully to every word Jongdae utters. In the dark, Minseok squints his eyes, trying to make out the other’s face, but only little moonlight passes through his curtains. It’s enough though, to see that Jongdae must be smiling.
“Hyung?” Jongdae asks, lying down on Minseok’s bed. “We’re leaving next week. I’m going to Thailand this time.”
Minseok nods, but looks away, out of his window and fiddles with the hem of his sleeve. Jongdae lets out a small laugh.
“I can’t wait.” He sounds so far away already.
“Isn’t it tiring? Travelling all the time, you’ve only been home for a few months.” Jongdae turns his head, but Minseok is still looking elsewhere.
“I’m beginning to feel restless here,” he says, sitting up, ”There’s so much of the world I haven’t seen yet! I don’t like staying at places I already know for too long. It’s like I’m stuck.”
“Don’t you ever want to go to school? Like real school.” Jongdae snorts.
“Hyung, you go to school and you always complain about it. Oh, by the way, how are those college applications going for you, huh? And besides, travelling lets me learn and try out things I never would if I went to school.”
“But what are you going to do afterwards? How are you going to find a job?”
“I’m still home schooled, it’s not like I don’t know anything.” Minseok still doesn’t agree with him, but he decides to change the subject before the discussion takes an uncomfortable turn, letting out a sigh.
“So Thailand...” Jongdae smiles.
He doesn’t see it right away, but after a couple of minutes, Minseok notices that Jongdae looks a little nervous. He frowns.
“Is something wrong?” The other shakes his head immediately.
“Just thinking.” He doesn’t say anything else than that, not even when Minseok asks him what he’s thinking about and it’s a bit unnerving.
"Hyung, what do you know about Thailand?"
“Is there… something I’m supposed to know?” Jongdae shakes his head, murmuring a never mind under his breath. Minseok doesn’t understand, asking him if can explain.
“When I was in California, this hyung told me that in Thailand you—like there’s—things happening and women… you know.” Minseok still doesn’t know, but he has an idea and he’s not quite sure if he likes it. He’s also a little clueless on where Jongdae is going with this and he doesn’t answer when Minseok tries to ask him. When he asks him again, a little more persistently, the other lunges forward and presses his lips against Minseok’s.
The pain is all Minseok can think of the first few seconds as his lips are being crushed against his teeth and for a moment he thinks he tasted blood on his tongue. There’s no blood, but his teeth still hurts a little even after Jongdae has removed some of the pressure. He breathes in deeply through his nose before he moves his lips against Minseok’s, sucking on his lip before he bites it teasingly, his tongue running across his lip when Minseok gasps. When he kisses Jongdae back it’s desperate, because even if he doesn’t know what this is, he knows that it’ll end up as another one time thing.
Minseok is young and he’s bold, and love and teenage hormones make you stupid, and therefore he kisses Jongdae with such intend it makes him want to crawl out of his own skin.
In the end he has never been able to tell Jongdae no.
So, when he slips a hand underneath Minseok’s shirt and rests his fingers against the soft skin, breaking their kiss with a please, Minseok doesn’t say a thing. He feels oddly and suddenly very conscious about his body. The awareness never leaves his mind, but he’s distracted when Jongdae’s hand goes down his body, pulling at his pants and tugging them down.
“Minseok hyung, please,” Jongdae repeats as his hand finds Minseok’s cock. He’s already half hard and it’s embarrassing, so he tries to cover up for it by grabbing Jongdae’s belt instead. It’s easy to get off even with his trembling hands. He only hopes that Jongdae doesn’t notice when he wraps his fingers around him, pumping him into hardness in a similar pace as the hand on his own dick.
Minseok speeds up a little when Jongdae lets out a moan, pressing his forehead against his shoulder. He pulls at Minseok’s shirt, exposing his collarbones and a bit of his shoulders before he presses his lips against the soft skin, whining. He tries to copy Minseok’s rhythm, but his movements are less steady now and he can’t seem to keep a proper pace. He whines a little louder, his lips wet against Minseok’s bare shoulder.
Minseok might have fantasized about being touched by Jongdae before, but he has never thought about touching him in return. The thought had always seemed too obscure to him. He guesses he never would have thought it to be this messy. He’s starting to sweat, his clothes clinging uncomfortably to his body and he can see the skin on Jongdae’s neck glistering in the light too. Their feet and legs are tangled in the bed sheets and the jeans that they never did get off properly in the rush. His hand is slick, easily sliding up and down Jongdae’s length in hurried movements and when Jongdae comes, he stains himself and his clothes as well as the bed. Minseok comes, too, shortly after when Jongdae’s mind is clear enough to touch him like he needs to be touched, quickly jerking him off. It only makes things messier and it’s anything but romantic, but Minseok’s stomach still flutters when Jongdae presses a kiss to his lips.
He pretends to not understand what Jongdae means when he whispers thank you.
Minseok says goodbye to Jongdae over the phone. He feels a little bad about lying instead of seeing him off, but it’s not hard to convince himself that it’s for the best. Still, the departure feels bitter. He’s sitting by the desk in his room, head resting on his arms on the table with the phone on speaker mode next to him. Jongdae’s voice sounds different through it, but he guesses that it’s still pleasant to listen to.
He guesses that he still loves Jongdae, too.
Minseok is a busy man.
Minseok is a busy man with a well-paid job and nice, but lazy colleagues. He’s busy with taking care of his apartment and the stray cat that lives in the area outside of it. He doesn’t have time to see Jongdae when he comes home, the other’s house a 30 minute ride away with train. It’s odd knowing that Jongdae is back in South Korea again, that he’s been here for a few weeks and Minseok still hasn’t met up with him yet.
Years ago when Jongdae’s parents had decided to settle back in Seoul again, Jongdae had decided to continue around the world by himself. He and Minseok hardly ever call each nor do they chat. It’s too expensive and Jongdae only has wifi in public places where they offer it for free, but once in a while, he writes Minseok a postcard from his current location. Minseok is sorry that he can't send Jongdae any in return, but being honest with himself, he's happy about being able to take a little from the other without having to give him something in return.
Jongdae always visits home every now and then, usually during holidays when he misses his parents as much as they miss him, but this is his first long stay in years and there's no rush trying to find time for each other.
"I'm not leaving until another while," Jongdae had said through the phone last night when Minseok had called him after a tiring day. It had come out of nowhere, the urge to hear Jongdae's voice again. He had refused to tell why he was staying after Minseok asked.
"It's a secret~ I’ll tell you about it when I see you.” It hadn’t sounded as playful as it’s supposed to, Minseok had thought and frowned. He hadn’t pushed the subject and had soon hung up after that.
Minseok feels a little empty right now, stroking the back of the stray cat he sees around his complex every other day, its fur soft against his fingers. It’s chilly outside. Winter is long gone, but it doesn’t feel quite like spring yet. Maybe he’s just too sensitive to the cold. Maybe he’s just a little too lonely.
Jongdae doesn’t tell him anything during dinner, but it comes out at the bar later on the evening.
He doesn’t know her very well, they met less than a year ago when Jongdae returned home for his mother’s birthday. Their parents set them up. He has loosely been keeping contact with her while he was gone, but has barely done anything else but spend time with her while he has been back. She’s Minseok’s age, 28, and she’s beautiful, cute and smart, but she doesn’t look down on Jongdae for never going to university. She doesn’t mind his wanderlust, always curious about his trips and adventures, because she’s never been lucky enough to leave South Korea. She wants to travel with him. It’s a little early, but Jongdae has already served his military service and they have all the time in the world for each other. They’re going very fast, he knows, and they don’t need to, but it’s with encouragement from their parents, not pressure, that they’re doing it.
Jongdae doesn’t love her, not yet, but he thinks he could.
Their wedding is in July and Minseok is invited.
Minseok doesn’t expect Jongdae to turn up at his doorstep, but he does, looking a little upset.
“Why aren’t you coming to my bachelor party tomorrow?” he asks Minseok.
“I already told you in my text.”
“Working is not an excuse, you don’t even work that late!” Minseok steps aside when he moves to enter his apartment.
“But I’ll be tired and I’d like to rest before the wedding. I wouldn’t be good company,” he tells as he closes the door.
“That’s so lame, hyung. Why aren’t you coming?”
“It’s not even like I know your friends.”
“So? Then you’ll get to know them, you’re gonna meet them at the wedding anyway.”
“Jongdae, just let it go.” Jongdae looks away, his lips between his teeth. Minseok sighs, “What’s with you today?”
“It’s going too fast.”
“What?”
“Hyung, I’m not ready to get married!” he says desperately, voice almost cracking, “It’s too early, I’m not even thirty yet, you’re not even thirty yet!”
“Are you… having cold feet?” Jongdae doesn’t look him in the eyes, shifting the weight from one leg to another as he stands in Minseok’s living room.
“I don’t love her,” he says quietly, still refusing to look at Minseok, who waits a little before he replies.
“But you’re still going to marry her.” It’s a statement, a little bit of a guess, but he already knows it’s true before Jongdae sits down next to him on the couch, mumbling a ‘yeah’.
It becomes quiet after that and Minseok can’t think of anything to say to comfort Jongdae, so he simply takes his hand his own. The next part happens on impulse. He didn’t mean to, but when Jongdae gives his hand a light squeeze, Minseok lifts their hands, kissing the back of Jongdae’s hand. He’s still holding their hands to his mouth when he moves back slightly, looking Jongdae who meets his gaze. Jongdae gives his hand another squeeze before he leans forward. Minseok’s eyes are already closed before their lips meet.
Heat surges through his body, settling at the bottom of his stomach and he inhales deeply, chest rising and back straightening as he breathes the same air as Jongdae. A hand on the back of neck pulls him down for another kiss. He tilts his head, opening his mouth eagerly and letting Jongdae suck his tongue into his mouth when Minseok licks at his lips. Jongdae’s other hand finds his waist, riding his shirt up before he places it there, softly kneading the bare skin. It tickles, but Minseok can’t find the breath to laugh.
He lies down, pulling Jongdae down with him by locking his arms around his neck. Jongdae’s hand slides further up his body underneath his shirt, his fingers bumping against each of Minseok’s ribs as his chest swells with every intake of air. Minseok lets out a small noise against his lips when he rolls his hips down, He breaks their kiss, staring at Jongdae’s dilated eyes.
He has always been the weak one, the younger and the more naïve of them, but when it comes to Jongdae, Minseok would always get a little weaker.
Minseok still can’t tell Jongdae no.
“Not here,” Minseok gasps, so Jongdae nods and pulls him up, letting him lead them into his bedroom. They fall onto the bed together, Minseok rolling them over to straddle Jongdae, placing both hands on his face before he kisses him again. He grinds his body down against Jongdae’s as kisses are pressed down his throat, teeth scraping against the sensitive skin. Jongdae easily pulls off his shirt for him before he takes his own off. He presses a hand flat against the centre of Minseok’s hard chest, but clenches it into a fist when he grinds down again, pressing their lower bodies against each other.
Their jeans don’t come off as easily as their shirts did, but they’re quickly thrown away as well. They moan as they pushes against each other, rolling their hips together and Jongdae’s breath hitches when Minseok grabs his ass. It occurs to him that Jongdae probably never has had sex with another man before. He crawls away from Jongdae, hand digging into his drawer to search for a bottle of lube and a condom. It’s in there, it has to be. He remembers just how long it’s been since he last needed it. He beckons Jongdae over when he finally finds it, letting him on top. He helps him opening the lube, coating Jongdae’s fingers with it.
“One at a time,” he says, letting out a breath. Jongdae swallows, but nods nonetheless.
The first finger goes in slowly, but with ease and he tells Jongdae to add another one shortly after. It doesn’t hurt, but Minseok can tell that it’s been a while from the feeling. Jongdae notices how he seems to feel uncomfortable, taking more time than necessary before he pushes three fingers inside of him. There’s a frown on his face as he slides them in and out in a slow pace.
“It’s okay,” Minseok breathes, because he can’t possibly tell that the ache in his heart hurts more than the sting of Jongdae’s fingers. He pushes himself down on them, trying to encourage Jongdae, who still seems hesitant. He bites his lips before he moves his fingers a little faster, twisting them slightly, spreading and scissoring them. It leaves Minseok panting, and he looks a little worried again.
“Is it okay?” Jongdae asks him.
“Yeah,” Minseok says, throwing his head back, “Yeah, it’s good.”
He grabs Jongdae by the neck, pulling him down and kisses him. His hand slides down his back slowly, before he finds Jongdae’s dick. It twitches in his hand and he strokes it, causing Jongdae to let out to moan.
“Hyung,” he says, whining, as he keeps working his fingers inside of him.
“Please,” Minseok answers him, his other hand searching for the discarded condom again. He hands it to Jongdae who pulls his fingers out, reaching for the lube. “Don’t. Don’t use too much. The condom’s already lubed.”
Jongdae looks a little fazed by it, but does as told, quickly rolling the condom on. Minseok has his hand on top of Jongdae’s, helping him guide his dick inside him and forcing him to push all the way in. He grips Jongdae by the shoulders then, wiggling slightly before he urges him on.
Minseok pushes himself back towards him, meeting his thrusts and he finally speeds up, finding a steady pace as he finally fucks him. A moan rips out from Jongdae’s throat, clear and loud when Minseok digs his fingers into his back, dragging them down and red leaving marks on his pale skin. He thrusts a little faster then, grabbing Minseok by the thigh to let him wrap his leg around his waist, his heel pressing into his back. It gives him more access and he pushes himself deeper into Minseok, who moans too.
He curses breathlessly as he fucks Minseok, his own fingers pressing hard into Minseok’s side. He’s awfully loud compared to Minseok who only moans quietly into his pillow as Jongdae continues to rock into him, his cock trapped between their bodies. He arches his back for more friction, but it’s still not enough, so he slips his hand in between, fisting his own dick to the rhythm of Jongdae’s thrusting. He comes as Minseok clenches around him, the heat impossibly tight around him. Minseok whines when he pulls out of him, so he puts his hand on Minseok’s cock, fingers wrapping around Minseok’s own as he helps climax, coming on this stomach.
They lie side by side as they try to catch their breath again when Jongdae suddenly jerks up. Minseok gets up too, worried when Jongdae scrambles out of the bed, almost stumbling and falling as his leg is tangled with one of Minseok’s blankets. He’s cursing under his breath, throwing profanities.
“Jongdae?” His head whips around and he seems at loss for words for a few seconds, before he starts apologising.
“I’m sorry, hyung, oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he rambles before he looks around searching for his clothes. He keeps repeating the apology, occasionally throwing out another curse word until he has found all of his belongings, dressing himself.
“Shit, shit, shit,” he says as he runs out of the room, Minseok following behind confused.
Jongdae is by the door in an instant, struggling to put his shoes on. He turns to Minseok with a pained expression, he doesn’t know where comes from, apologizing again, his voice thick before he disappears, shoes still untied.
Minseok feels sick. He can’t tell if it’s his head that is spinning or if it’s the rest of the world, but he’s afraid to move, not only to lose his balance and fall down, but also of throwing up, his stomach turning. He tries to swallow before it all comes up, but it’s hard when your heart is stuck in your throat, suffocating you. He inhales, deeply, swallowing the air desperately, waiting for it to reach his lungs, but he can’t feel it coursing through his body.
He can’t breathe.
He wants to leave, rush out of the room and away from the crowd, but he can’t interrupt the ceremony just because he can’t bear to watch it. He can’t do that to Jongdae.
It’s after the ceremony, when he’s trying to figure out which table he’s seated at, that Minseok meets Jongdae’s best man. His name is Zhang Yixing and Jongdae met him when he was China all those years ago when Jongdae still thought that kissing boys was alright. Yixing is nice, has a gentle voice and a sweet smile that makes heads turn. His Korean is good, but the accent is still there, and Minseok think he’s quite adorable when he speaks, articulating a little more than any native speaker would. He speaks to Minseok eagerly, stumbling over his words a few times, but he’s just so excited to meet him, “I’ve heard so much about you!” His dimples are showing. Minseok smiles, because he doesn’t recall many of Jongdae’s stories involving Yixing, they haven't shared any in a while, but Minseok thinks he understands why he would choose him as his best man. He’s good a friend, Minseok can tell after just a short conversation, and unlike Minseok, he seems to be genuinely happy for Jongdae.
Minseok leaves during the dinner, finishing another glass of wine, just before the second main course is served. He has no appetite, can barely even keep his food down, so he excuses himself quietly, pushing his plate forward. The man to his right whom he has been conversing with smiles at him when he accidentally bumps their chairs into each other. Minseok returns the smile, a little light headed, as he stands up to leave with no intention of returning.
Jongdae doesn’t realise that he’s gone until hours later after they’re done eating and have been through the most emotional speeches. He’s looking for Minseok, because he wants to present him to his wife, but finds his seat empty and Joonmyun explains that he left early without giving any explanation. Jongdae tells himself that he has no idea why Minseok would leave and tries to ignore the churning in his stomach for the rest of the night.
Minseok doesn’t want to, but his parents have already offered Jongdae his help when it’s time for him to move out. Jongdae and his wife are just back from their honeymoon and they’re ready to move into their new place.
Yixing is there along with a few others that Minseok recognises from the wedding, but can’t put names on. It had rained in the morning, but the sky is clear now, light blue and only covered by a few clouds.
Jongdae has more belongings than Minseok had expected him to. A lot of them are heavy at that and he’s already sweating after an hour of going back and forth from his house to the truck. He’s not alone though, and one of the guys there, Chanyeol, pants exaggerated, asking if there are any refreshments for them. There aren’t, Jongdae tells him with a roll of his eyes, so Minseok offers to get some. He claps excitedly at that, swinging an arm around Minseok’s shoulder, their height difference obvious. Minseok squirms.
“I like this guy!” Chanyeol says, “He offered to help me with the table too when Baekhyun didn’t want to. He’s like tiny little genie granting all of our wishes.”
The others around them laughs, Jongdae too as he says, “Yeah, Minseok hyung’s never let me down before, he’s the best.”
Minseok smiles at the compliment. It’s not completely wrong, but he thinks he might have been too kind to Jongdae. He knows that he has done more for Jongdae that he should have, more than he ever intended to.
He thinks Jongdae long passed his limit of three wishes, but Minseok is still here. He’s still not free.
It’s raining the day Minseok is discharged from military service. His family picks him up, overjoyed to see him again and he can’t tell whether his mother is crying or not, but her eyes are red. Maybe it’s a little mean, but he smiles at that.
He spends the day with his family, eating dinner with them, but decides to go to bed early. He feels oddly overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted so he goes to his old bedroom to give himself some rest. He falls asleep easily that night, eyelids heavy and his mind blank.
Getting his old job back is not very difficult, but finding an apartment is an entirely different task and he ends up taking the taking the train back and forth from his parents’ home and his workplace for the month.
While he was serving his military duty, his surroundings and circumstances had been different, forcing him to adjust, but he never realised how much he had changed himself until he was through all of it. His life looks almost exactly like it did three years ago, but what he sees is entirely different.
It’s hard, returning to the “normal” life again, but he distracts himself with long hours of work and the fitness centre, he regularly visits to lose the weight he gained while he was on duty. Months later when he finally feels like he has settled, he receives a call from his mother, who tells him that Jongdae is back home again. Where had he been, he had needed to ask, to which she informs Minseok that he had just visited Paris. They should meet up, she says through the phones and he only replies with a ‘yeah’, disregarding the suggestion.
Minseok doesn’t sleep that night.
Minseok meets Jongdae a Friday evening in February. It’s a bit of a coincidence; Jongdae had seeked him out when he didn’t, gotten his address from his mother, who else, but no one had been home when he had stopped by. Jongdae had tried again a couple of hours later, not aware of the fact that Minseok was working late that day. He had been on his way to the train station, having given up, when they bumped into each other. It’s cold outside, so Minseok invites Jongdae up to his apartment to catch up.
It’s only when they’re back inside, when Minseok hands Jongdae a bottle of beer that he notices Jongdae’s bare hands. There’s no ring on his left ring finger. He doesn’t ask about it, telling himself that he doesn’t want to know, but Jongdae catches him staring. They’re not divorced yet, he tells, just separated. They signed the papers a year ago during the time Minseok was still serving the army.
“We’re still waiting for the divorce to go through.”
Minseok nods, and of course he wants to know, so he asks anyway.
“So, why?” Jongdae shrugs at that.
“I guess, in the end I just couldn’t love her enough.”
“But you did love her?”
“Yeah, I did. She was easy to love.” Minseok nods, drinking some of his own beer.
“How did she take it?” Jongdae smiles at that, his fingers playing with the cap from his bottle.
“She was cool with it. It was a pretty clean break, you know? It was the best for us and she knew that too,” he’s smiling, but it looks a little odd in Minseok’s eyes, “Her dad was upset about it, my mom too, but whatever.”
Minseok hums, not sure of what to say and Jongdae is the one who ends up breaking the silence.
“So what about you, hyung? Shouldn’t you find someone and get married soon?” Minseok huffs, taking another sip of his beer.
“I can’t get married,” he says, looking Jongdae in the eyes. He doesn’t look away, but he doesn’t say anything either, so Minseok waits. He drinks from his bottle, still looking back at Minseok, before his hands reaches over the table, placing his hand on top of Minseok’s.
“Yeah, me neither.”