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Somewhere between finding himself and gaining a wider group of friends, Makoto lost Haruka. After the summer with Ikuya and Asahi – winning the relay and understanding their reasons for swimming– Makoto never thought they’d all fall into the same pattern as they did before. He pulled away and isolated Haru, but they weathered the storm and came out stronger. After those confessions at the swim club, floating there fully-clothed, Makoto never thought anything would come between them again.
Except the following winter, Haru suddenly withdrew.
Not that he was talkative before, but Haru became far more recessed. Makoto struggled with communication with him, having to relearn a brand new presentation of Haru. Withdrawn and sullen, Haru offered nothing in terms of what was bothering him. No amount of Asahi’s prodding or Makoto’s gentle offers could get Haru to talk.
Makoto resigned himself to accepting this new Haru. The one who quit the swim team to Ikuya’s absolute indignation and offered no explanation. Not even Haru’s mother, the one person who could read and understand Haru when no one else could, was able to explain what happened.
Haru just shut everyone else, leaving only the barest gap for Makoto to squeeze into. It hurt for Haru to shut Makoto out. They once told each other everything – shared the world as they saw it with each other. Now, Makoto’s left out in the cold while Haru’s thoughts remain locked away. Even the actions Makoto had grown to understand were no longer present. It was like Haru was completely unavailable.
Due to his friendship with Asahi and Ikuya, Makoto remained on the swim team through second year. He focused on swimming to show Haru how fun it could be – trying to bring back the joy Haru found in it before. As Makoto studiously relearned his best friend (though some days, it seemed difficult to even call Haru his best friend, as he had long checked out of their friendship), he began to recognize the pain in Haru’s eyes at the swim meets.
Watching Makoto swim and compete was hurting Haru. Makoto never wanted to hurt Haru, so he quit the swim team at the end of their second summer. Asahi and Ikuya weren’t as outraged as they were when Haru quit – they understood Makoto’s reasoning. Haru’s wellbeing is of the utmost importance to Makoto. The others knew better than to argue with Makoto when it came to Haru.
Asahi made captain, Ikuya his right hand, and Makoto joined the basketball team with Kisumi.
(Though, Makoto quitting the swim team came right in time with his massive growth spurt. He had been taller than others for some time – but suddenly Makoto towered over his classmates. His shoulder’s broadened and his limbs became too long. Losing track of his body in space, Makoto was awkward and gangly. Even nearing the end of middle school, he still hasn’t become completely use to the size of his body.)
Slowly, Makoto came to understand and appreciate the new Haru. The subtle inflections of his face and posturing as his moods changed internally. By their last year in middle school, their other friends began to tease Makoto as a Haru Mind Reader, able to pick up the subtle actions of Haru.
XXXXX
‘No,’ thinks Makoto bitterly, ‘I was just too desperate to let Haru slip away. I struggle just as much as the rest of you to understand him.’
XXXXX
“Where’s Haru?” Asahi asks as he drops down into his normal seat next to Kisumi.
Kisumi and Ikuya are in the same class, while Haru, Makoto, and Asahi have been split up evenly between the other three. They still gather and eat together. A tradition none of them have grown out of, despite changing interests.
They all look at Makoto expectantly. He doesn’t hesitate or slip up as he gives out his answer. Asahi claims Makoto knows everything about Haru. Makoto doesn’t correct him because the feeling in his stomach causes him to clam up every time. Haru never reacts to Asahi’s claims. The lack of correction makes Makoto feel even worse.
“He’s sick.”
“We should visit him after school,” Kisumi suggests. “We can get his homework and bring it to him.”
Ikuya nods in agreement.
“That’s not a good idea,” Makoto cuts in quickly.
The others look at him with wide eyes. They’ve clearly caught onto his obvious desperation. He needs to pull it together before they start asking questions. Makoto won’t be able to answer them.
“It’s contagious,” Makoto continues. “Haru wouldn’t want any of us to get sick.”
‘Would he?’ Makoto asks himself.
Haru doesn’t seem to want or care about much of anything these days. He’s so apathetic to the world it’s destroying Makoto to just be around him. Makoto doesn’t even know if Haru wants to be friends anymore. Or if Makoto’s just pestering him and Haru doesn’t care enough to tell Makoto off.
But that’s getting away from the situation. Makoto’s covering for Haru. Or is he covering for himself? Either way, Makoto’s a coward.
It had been a normal morning. Makoto followed the normal routine, getting ready, helping Ren and Ran, and taking care of a few chores before heading out to pick up Haru. Turning the corner, Makoto found himself face to face with a For Sale sign declaring the Nanase house is for sale. Instead of walking up the remaining steps to Haru’s house – to demand some sort of answer – Makoto fled and ran all the way to school.
The cat meowed pitifully after him, echoing the sudden pain in Makoto’s chest.
Makoto arrived at school panting, drenched in sweat, and distressed. A few friendly classmates inquired after him, but Makoto waved them off insisting he was fine. None of his close friends; Asahi, Kisumi, Ikuya; were in his homeroom and were, fortunately, unable to check up on him either.
Inside his head, he was screaming. Haru is moving and hasn’t told Makoto? They last saw each other the evening before as Makoto waved goodbye and Haru offered his usual silence. There was no sign – no indication. Nothing. Haru hadn’t said a word. Perhaps he meant to leave Makoto behind. Move away from the clingy burden Makoto has become.
From that moment Makoto’s world hasn’t stopped spinning. Faster and faster. He’s on a collision course as everything around him becomes more erratic. His own body is thrumming with anxiety and tension. So much that he’s begun to lose feeling in his toes and fingers. Makoto just feels numb. His life is falling apart, but Makoto should’ve seen Haru slipping away for months.
Years even.
When Makoto arrived for PE later that morning he found Haru hadn’t even come to school. The spinning stopped and Makoto’s whole world ended. He felt cold. Empty. What if Haru was already gone? Slipped away in the night – far away to a place where Makoto could never find him.
All the promises they had meant in the past were childish. Haru has changed and tried to leave Makoto behind, but Makoto has been too blind to see what was happening.
“Hey!” Ikuya calls out, snapping his fingers in front of Makoto’s face. “Are you alright?”
“We lost you there for a second,” Asahi says, frowning. “Did you see Haru? I know how close you are – maybe you caught what he has.”
Makoto’s mouth goes dry. They’re not close. He barely knows who Haru is these days. So little that he could realistically consider Haru moving away and never telling Makoto about it.
“You don’t look very good,” murmurs Kisumi. “Maybe you should go home.”
“But practice,” Makoto protests feebly.
Kisumi shakes his head and puts up his hand. He has gotten very good at putting an end to Makoto’s martyr-like behaviour recently. Stepping up to the plate Haru abandoned.
“Maybe we’ll postpone our trip to Samezuka,” Asahi says thoughtfully. “Since Makoto’s sick, maybe we should just all hang out with him.”
“Natsuya said he and Nao were going to take us out,” Ikuya replies hotly. “We can’t cancel!”
“Samezuka?” Makoto asks, clearly interested.
Asahi looks clearly surprised and a flash of hurt cross Ikuya’s face. Makoto feels guilty. He must’ve missed something. All wrapped up in trying to understand Haru – he’s lost track of the others.
“Yeah, where my brother and Nao went for their swim team,” Ikuya says. “The captain – well at least until the next year when Natsuya takes over – promised to show Asahi and I around.”
“I thought you were going to the same school as Kisumi,” Makoto says.
“There’s no swim team, just like Iwatobi High School,” Asahi shrugs.
That’s when it hits Makoto – he’s really going to be alone. Haru’s moving, Asahi and Ikuya are going to Samezuka, and Kisumi’s been slowly drifting away spending more and more time with his basketball friends.
Standing abruptly, Makoto’s legs bump into the desk and the others lurch for their meals to prevent them from going flying.
Alone.
“Makoto?” questions Kisumi.
“I’m not feeling well,” he blurts. “I’m going to head home.”
“I’ll get your homework,” Ikuya volunteers.
“Thank you. Sorry,” Makoto says, words gargled.
He dashes out the classroom. He needs to be anywhere but here.
XXXXX
He runs faster, despite his already tired limbs and angry protests of his stomach, as he passes the Nanase house. No one is there to see him.
All the lights are out.
XXXXX
“Makoto,” his mother calls from the main floor. “Dinner’s ready.”
Her voice is soft and soothing. She taught Makoto how to care for people, talk to those who are fragile and sick. Right now, it just seems patronizing. He grabs a pillow and covers his head with it, trying to drown out all of his thoughts.
He’s too much of a coward to even look out his window to check if Haru’s there. If the lights are on or if he can see Haru’s mother’s shadow moving around. Makoto could ask his own mother if she’s seen any of the Nanases around town. But he’s too afraid at the gaping reality he faces.
Haru’s gone. Out of reach. Untouchable. Lost before Makoto even had a chance to fight for him.
“Makoto,” his mother says, voice louder but muffled by the pillow.
The bed dips in the middle and gently the pillow is pulled away. Makoto doesn’t put up a fight. Just allows his mother remove the barrier. Her hand replaces the warmth, rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“I made your favourite,” she murmurs. “Won’t you come down and eat?”
“I’m not feeling well,” Makoto says.
He’s hungry at least. His lunch was barely touched.
“You’ve been up here since you came home from school early,” she comments. “You looked very distraught – do you want to talk about it?”
Makoto shakes his head.
“What if I let you eat in bed?” his mother offers. “Away from Ren and Ran. Will you eat then?”
Makoto rolls over and meets his mother’s soft eyes. She smiles at him, as her hands slides from his back to grip his shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispers, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead. “Change is hard.”
Of course she knows about the sign. Of course she knows the Nanases are moving. But she doesn’t know Haru hasn’t told Makoto. That the two of them have been drifting apart for the better part of two years. All since that winter where there was just some switch. Maybe Haru can pretend nothing is bothering him. But Makoto can’t.
“None of my friends are going to Iwatobi High,” Makoto mumbles.
He sits up, curling his keels into his chest. Tears begin to form at the corners of his eyes and without his consent begin to slide down his cheeks. Makoto shouldn’t cry – he should be angry. He should hate Haru for what happened.
“I’m going to be all alone.”
“Oh Makoto,” his mother coos.
She pulls him tightly into her arms. Makoto clings to her like a baby and begins to cry in earnest.
“I don’t want to be alone,” he confesses.
“You’re not alone,” she assures him.
Downstairs Ren and Ran make a fuss – demanding to know why Makoto isn’t down there. The low rumbles of his father’s voice attempting to placate them brings a weak smile to Makoto’s face.
After Makoto’s sobs have subsided, his mother pulls away.
“I’ll bring your dinner up,” she says.
“It’s fine,” Makoto replies. “I’ll come downstairs.”
She smiles again, brighter this time. Makoto has been told that although he has his mother’s colouration – he doesn’t have her smile. A bright, large, and warm smile. Open and inviting and showing off all her teeth. Makoto wishes he did. His mother’s smile solves world problems. Makoto’s own closed mouth smile and silly head tilt are childish and don’t do anything but placate.
A smile that can’t even make Haru smile anymore.
XXXXX
Makoto stays home the next day. To his credit, he does get part of the way to going to school. He’s in the kitchen, helping Ren and Ran with breakfast when his father’s copy of the local paper catches his eye.
IWATOBI’S LAST SWIM CLUB TO SHUT DOWN
He scans the article but the feeling in his stomach is already there. Iwatobi SC is following the path of the other swim clubs in town, all slowly shutting down. Sano closed last winter. All of the pools have been unable to drum up enough interest to remain open. It’s been a long time coming – longer than Makoto’s been swimming. It started with Iwatobi High’s pool, closing after they could no longer find anyone to join the swim team.
It’s an inevitable Makoto’s been aware of for months now and somewhat accepted. But the final notice came at the wrong time.
With one look at his face and his mother sends him back to bed. She snatches the paper and stuffs it away, declaring Makoto unfit to go to school.
As Makoto drifts back to sleep, there’s a knock at the door. His mother’s soft voice carries up the stairs. There’s a certain edge to it Makoto didn’t know his mother was capable of.
“He’s not coming today, he’s no feeling well,” she says and shuts the door firmly.
One of his friends must have come to check on him. There’s a brief reprieve in his wild thoughts, knowing his friends care enough to check up on him. But the loneliness still settles in. They’re all leaving him, regardless. No acts of kindness matter.
XXXXX
The next day, Makoto makes it to school. Asahi, Kisumi, and Ikuya are waiting for him when Makoto arrives. They crowd him, pressuring him for questions. Is he okay? How’s he feeling? Ikuya wants to know if Ren and Ran got his homework to Makoto (they had answered the door and peppered Ikuya with curious questions but eventually collected the papers from Ikuya to pass onto Makoto).
“I’m fine,” Makoto assures them. “I just needed a day’s rest.”
“You looked terrible when you ran out on Tuesday,” Kisumi says worriedly. “I thought you would’ve been out a lot longer than you were.”
“Look at Makoto!” declares Asahi, gesturing wildly at Makoto. “He’s one of the healthiest people I know! Of course he’d rebound quickly. Haru on the other hand…”
Asahi trails off, lips curling downwards. The whole atmosphere seems to sour at the mention of Haru. A terrible feeling washes over Makoto, dragging him downwards.
“Did you know Haru went to Tokyo?” Ikuya asks.
“Of course he did,” Asahi asserts.
Makoto swallows.
“I didn’t actually,” Makoto says quietly.
The group dynamic shatters immediately. Like the one constant with all changes has finally been broken. The glass is shattered – no one can pretend that Makoto and Haru aren’t working anymore.
“Oh,” Asahi mumbles, embarrassed. “We saw his mother yesterday. She came in to collect Haru’s missed work and we asked how he was feeling.”
“But she said he wasn’t sick and he was in Tokyo with his dad,” Kisumi finishes and makes a face. “Which makes me wonder: why did you lie, Makoto?”
The ground shifts beneath Makoto and pulls out from under his feet. He’s free falling. Far from his friends and into a darkness. The emptiness consumes him as he once again gets lost in his thoughts.
“You shouldn’t cover for him,” Ikuya says rather harshly. “If he’s going to bail on us we should know. You don’t need to keep playing Haru’s keeper.”
“I’m sorry,” Makoto says meekly.
“It’s not your fault,” Asahi assures him.
“It’s Haru’s,” Kisumi interjects.
He’s never been Haru’s biggest fan. More than once, Kisumi’s implied Haru’s an anchor holding Makoto down. On the basketball team, Makoto is thriving without Haru. Kisumi says Makoto should continue on the trend and switch from Iwatobi High to the high school Kisumi will be attending. The basketball program is strong there.
“He’s been a bad friend,” Asahi agrees. “The last straw is lying to you.”
“He didn’t lie,” Makoto protests, but his heart isn’t really into it.
Deep down he knows he shouldn’t defend Haru. He’s hurting Makoto – tearing him apart. When Makoto noticed he was hurting Haru, he stopped instantaneously. Haru seemingly doesn’t care about Makoto’s feelings. But Makoto cares for Haru so deeply that leaving him isn’t a discrete event. It’s a process. Even though Haru dumped Makoto in a single swoop. Makoto’s always been far more sentimental than Haru.
“A lie of omission is still a lie,” Ikuya points out.
Makoto sighs clearly beat.
“Let’s get to class before we’re late,” Kisumi suggest. “Forget about Haru and start fresh.”
XXXXX
To Makoto’s credit, he makes it the rest of Thursday and the entire school day on Friday not lingering on Haru. The gaps are obvious – Makoto’s walks home (which were quiet before but now are just empty) and lunch time, no matter how Asahi rearranges their desks.
Asahi insists on walking with Makoto all the way back to his house, despite Asahi living on the other side of town. Neither of them mention the sign in front of the Nanase house. It’s like taboo. Asahi’s makes a subtle face change and Makoto’s words hitch, but other than that they make it back to the Tachibana home without a mention of the sign.
“See you on Monday, Asahi,” Makoto says smiling.
“Yeah,” Asahi nods. “It was fun walking with you. And a good way to get in my steps now that Iwatobi SC has shut down.”
Makoto shrugs. It doesn’t bother him much anymore. He feels mostly numb – the emotional rollercoaster from Tuesday drained him. It’s likely why he hasn’t thought of Haru too much or for too long. A self-preservation mechanism. Makoto needs the weekend to rest and recuperate his emotional energy.
On Monday he’ll start healing.
Asahi says goodbye before running off back in the direction they came from. He didn’t really need to walk with Makoto, but it’s appreciated nonetheless.
“Makoto!” Ren and Ran cry out as Makoto comes through the door.
They bash into him, smothering him with their tiny bodies. The need to touch him and be in contact with their older brother has increased since Wednesday. Even though no one has told them how Makoto is feeling, they obviously picked up on the atmosphere. Physical contact is the best way they know how to solve problems.
“Help me with my homework!” Ren requests.
Ran scowls, cheeks puffing.
“No help me!” Ran demands.
Makoto laughs and wraps his arms around them.
“Let me just get changed and I’ll help you out,” promises Makoto.
Jogging upstairs, Makoto dumps his school bag onto his desk. He goes back to shut the door and immediately begins to strip off his uniform. Halfway through unbuttoning the white dress shirt, Makoto hears voices shouting. Freezing in place, he strains to make sense of the muffled words.
It’s almost impossible to understand what’s being said, but no doubt there’s anger. It’s clearly coming from the Nanase’s house. Shuffling to his window, Makoto can see Haru’s mother standing with her back turned to the window of Haru’s window. Her hands are on her hips and her shoulders are tensed.
A small thrill runs through Makoto’s spine. The lights had been off for nearly a week. When did Haru get back from his recently discovered trip to Tokyo?
Haru’s mother turns slightly and Makoto nearly has a heart attack. He doesn’t want to get caught attempting to eavesdrop on their argument while his shirt is half off. He pulls away from the window, shuts the blinds and finishes changing.
Once completely out of the uniform and in more casual clothes, Makoto returns downstairs. Ren and Ran ambush him, thrusting their respective assignments into his face. He loses himself in helping them. The Nanases’ argument slips from his mind.
XXXXX
Makoto is woken early because Haru and his mother are arguing again. The words are still too muffled to understand, but Makoto can’t help but try and follow the progression. He’s never heard Haru get so loud – so blatantly angry. He’s shouting back at his mother, rebounding her points easily and effortlessly. Despite the state of the friendship (or lack thereof), Makoto can’t help the smile that bubbles up at hearing Haru speak so much.
Eventually there’s a door slam and the argument ends.
Guilt rises up in Makoto and he’s unable to fall back asleep. His heart is thrumming in his chest. What are Haru and his mother arguing about? To Makoto’s knowledge, Haru and his mother have always been close. She knew everything about Haru, always one step ahead of Makoto, and even when Haru pulled away from everyone else, he still confided in his mother.
Makoto is suddenly overwhelmed with the need to see Haru – if he’s fighting with mom he needs someone. Haru ending their friendship or not, Makoto has to be there for him. Tossing his covers aside, Makoto quickly pulls on the nearest clothes (his Iwatobi Junior High track pants and an old blue shirt that may or may not have once belonged to Haru) and runs out the door.
He slams down on the button for the ringer, somehow wishing it could convey his distress. Makoto needs to help Haru. No matter the misgivings in the past week. If Haru’s fighting with his mother, his last true confidant, he’s hurting badly. Nothing will stop Makoto from being there for him.
Not the angry thoughts he’s been suppressing. Not the thoughts about Haru having left without telling him. Not even the very cold, hard fact that they’ve been drifting apart.
After everything they’ve been through, Makoto’s not going to let Haru go without a fight. There’s not enough apathy in the world that could keep Makoto away from Haru when he needs Makoto.
The door is yanked open and Makoto is met with the angry face of Haru’s mother. It softens briefly but when she sees it’s Makoto, her look hardens. Her hostility is strange and unwarranted, but Makoto doesn’t back down.
“I thought you were Haruka,” she says lamely.
“He’s not here?” Makoto asks.
“I suppose you heard us arguing,” she sighs. “He stormed out.”
“What’s going on?” Makoto inquires, using the opportunity to get some answers. “Why are you moving? Why hasn’t Haru told me anything?”
“As if I know,” she mutters and Makoto’s taken back by her outright rudeness. “It’s like I don’t even know my son anymore. I thought if anyone knew what was going on, it would be you. Since you’re the reason Haru and I have been arguing so much.”
Makoto balks. How long has Haru been cutting his mother out? Why is he the reason they’re fighting? The confusing explanation creates more questions, but it does explain the hostility.
“I have to go find him,” blurts Makoto.
He takes off down the steps before Haru’s mother can say anything else. The door slams but Makoto doesn’t care. He has to get to Haru.
The pool is closed, which is the first place Haru would run off to. There aren’t many other places Haru would want to go to, especially when angry. Through, he likely only has a few minute head start on Makoto. He’s slow enough on his feet that if Makoto runs, he should be able to catch up with Haru.
Makoto’s feet move on their own, working separately from his jumbled brain. He can’t clarify his thoughts long enough to think rationally where to go. Somehow Makoto gets to where he needs to be. He winds up on the sidewalk next to the beach when he feet stop him.
There, standing in the shallows, is Haru.
His shoes are kicked off and pants rolled up to his knees in an aggressive manner. Haru stares out at the rising sun reflecting off the calm morning water. His face is wide open, showing off every emotion like the very phenomenon Haru’s staring at. It’s like a waterfall as Makoto picks up every thought rolling from Haru’s brain.
For a moment, Makoto is struck. It’s been forever since he’s been able to see Haru so clearly and vulnerable. The most apparent thing is Haru’s blank face – the same empty canvas it has been for the past couple of years. And yet Makoto can see Haru’s thoughts bleeding through. Bringing the canvas to life with the colour of the sunrise and Haru’s eyes are the ocean. It’s as if they never had the gap between them.
Makoto almost doesn’t want to break the moment. He takes a breath and once again assumes control of his legs. His head is clear now, with one goal in mind. Stepping onto the sand, he kicks off his shoes as he goes. When he reaches the water’s edge, he takes a moment to roll up his pant legs. Ignoring the chill of the water and his own fear, Makoto wades out to Haru.
Not even the splashing catches Haru’s attention. He still stares out at the sun. There’s an insane second where Makoto wants to flee. That this is a bad idea. Haru doesn’t want him here. His dismissal has been very clear.
But as Makoto reaches Haru’s side, Haru’s hand shoots out and grabs Makoto. He interlocks their fingers and grips Makoto’s hand for dear life. The raw desperation radiating from Haru astonishes Makoto. Even without saying a word or even looking at him, Haru conveys everything he needs to.
He wants Makoto here. He needs him.
They stand there for what seems like an eternity, watching the sun fully rise – shedding it’s warm morning glow and into the harsh winter glow. Makoto has lost feeling in his feet and finds himself swaying a bit. He should request for Haru to release his hand so Makoto can head back to shore.
Turning to look at Haru, Makoto finds the other boy already staring back at him.
“I’m sorry,” they both say at the same time.
“What?” Haru demands. “Why are you sorry?”
Makoto shrugs helplessly.
“For whatever I did to make you stop talking to me,” Makoto confesses.
Haru’s lips form a tiny ‘o.’ He drops Makoto’s hand and withdraws into himself. His eyes look everywhere but Makoto for a few minutes. Telltale signs of guilt.
“It’s not your fault,” Haru murmurs finally as he meets Makoto’s eyes once more. “It’s mine.”
“I don’t understand,” Makoto says.
“My dad got a permanent job in Tokyo,” Haru says. “And he wants Mom and I to move to Tokyo so we can all live together.”
“How long have you known?”
Haru hesitates.
“How long have you known?” Makoto repeats, more firmly this time.
“For a few weeks,” admits Haru.
Makoto turns his body away from Haru, unable to face him. He’s devastated by the information. All the thoughts from this week hadn’t been so irrational.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Haru says. “I didn’t want you to get upset because I’m not moving.”
“What?” Makoto demands, whirling back around to face him.
“I’m not moving,” Haru says, repeating himself only because its Makoto.
He hates repeating himself, of all the few facts Makoto still knows about Haru – this is the one he knows best. But he’ll do whatever it takes so he never has to see Makoto make that face again. The look of pain Haru caused. Makoto can read it all over Haru’s face.
“Mom will go to Tokyo without me and I’ll stay here,” Haru says firmly. “I wanted to get my parents to agree before I told you.”
Makoto feels like crying.
“Haruka…” he whispers.
Haru shakes his head. He reaches out and grabs both of Makoto’s hands this time.
“They can’t make me leave, Makoto,” Haru says. “I’ve lost everything. I can’t lose you too.”
Makoto breaks down. He can’t stop crying. Everything around him has broken.
“You were hurting so much,” Makoto manages. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want to worry you,” Haru says, his voice raspy and he looks on the verge of tears as well.
“You did anyway!” Makoto shouts, tearing his hands away from Haru. “I’ve spent the last months knowing you were pulling away from me. Thinking it was my fault! You know what I thought when I saw that sign, Haru? When you didn’t show up to school the next day? I thought you left without telling and I couldn’t even tell myself you wouldn’t do it because I have no idea who you are anymore!”
“I’m Haruka,” Haru says.
“I don’t know who that is,” Makoto admits. “We haven’t talked in ages. The others are telling me you aren’t worth it. They had me convinced ending our friendship was the right thing to do. I was ready to forget you up until this morning.”
Haru opens his mouth to talk and then shuts it again.
“You went to Tokyo this week,” Makoto says brokenly. “You didn’t even tell me. I would’ve understood Haru. You could’ve told me anything.”
“I did!” Haru says, voice rising slightly.
The edges of his are wet. Makoto hasn’t seen Haru cry since they were young. He only started crying because Makoto had hurt himself at the playground. After that, Makoto has never seen Haru shed another tear.
“I wanted to tell you everything,” Haru says. “But I couldn’t. I’m sorry, Makoto.”
Makoto is angry. So unbelievably angry with Haru in a way he’s never been angry with anyone before. How could Haru not trust him enough to tell him about this? To confide in him?
But he feels tired at the same time. Makoto doesn’t want to fight. He doesn’t want to go through all the steps to figure this out or lose Haru. He just wants his best friend back. He wants to go back to moment where they were just floating in the pool, unafraid to bear their souls to each other.
“I do trust you,” stresses Haru.
“Then talk to me,” Makoto says. “Don’t shut me out.”
“I won’t,” Haru say earnestly. “I’ll never shut you out again. I won’t ever make you feel unwanted again. I promise to always want you.”
“Thank you,” Makoto says.
He shuts his eyes and exhales, letting out all the negativity with it.
“Let’s go back home,” Makoto suggests. “It’s freezing.”
“Really?” Haru questions.
“You can’t go back and change what happened, Haru. But we change the future,” Makoto says. “And I for one, just want to go back to bed. Maybe with my best friend or maybe not.”
“No,” Haru says. “I’m coming with you. Always.”
“Good.”
Makoto turns and starts to walk away. Haru doesn’t immediately follow, but he starts abruptly. The water splashes around him as Haru runs to catch up to Makoto. For the third and final time, he reaches for Makoto’s hand. The action causes Makoto to stop abruptly and nearly stumble into the water. Fortunately, Haru steadies him, preventing Makoto from being drenched in the icy ocean water.
“I love you,” Haru says suddenly, throwing as much meaning a 15 year old can understand into the words.
“I know,” Makoto says, smiling softly.
They’ve said it before, in someway or another. Makoto says it indirectly, sweeping his love for swimming and Haru into a single statement. But neither of them have every proclaimed it in such a manner before. So openly and free.
Haru smiles back at him. Makoto’s heart soars. Haru’s smile is a sight for sore eyes.
“C’mon,” Makoto says, tugging Haru to his side. “I don’t want my parents to worry.”
Things will sort themselves out. If Haru has to move, it won’t be the end of the world. All that matters is Makoto and Haru are good again. Their friendship is stronger than ever.
Curled together in Makoto’s bed, cold feet shoved into Makoto’s thickest pairs of socks, there’s no world past each other. All that matters is that they are together. And nothing’s going to tear them apart.
Even if the world’s falling apart.