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Kunikida doesn't quite know where to pinpoint when exactly this Thing for Dazai started. Hell, he doesn't quite know why it started, or why the hell it had to happen to him.
(Which is – a sort of lie. He knows why it started.)
If he's being realistic, Dazai is a fairly attractive man and hits a good portion of what Kunikida likes in a person.
Dazai would hit more points in the Ideal if he wasn't such a secretive, annoying bastard with daddy issues up the wazoo, but really, Kunikida can't complain. He doesn't exactly enjoy one-night stands, and he knows first-hand how much Dazai hates relationships.
It wouldn’t work anyway, really.
He supposes that decision is somewhat rational, though; he'd call it nothing more than a schoolyard crush if their jobs weren't as life-threatening and Kunikida wasn't a twenty-two-year-old man with his life all but planned out to the minute.
Kunikida makes an Executive Decision. Two shots in and Dazai sitting less than a foot away from him after a late-night recon mission, Kunikida tests out his very impressive repression skills, buries the absolute hell out of his feelings, and takes another shot.
Two weeks later, Kunikida is the host to one of the most unmanly screeches he's ever heard out of anyone's mouth ever. As in, he walks out of his room, almost directly after waking up, to find Dazai fucking Osamu sitting on his kitchen counter. Comfortably. Like he's been there for quite some time and has no intentions of moving any time soon.
He screeches. If any sort of polite conversation were going through his head right now, he sure as hell wouldn't use it.
"What the fuck."
"Good morning, Kunikida," Dazai smiles. He's got a fresh mug of coffee in his hand. Kunikida doesn’t even own a coffee maker.
"Good morning. What the hell are you doing in my apartment?"
"Well, it's funny you ask that. You didn't lock your door-"
"False, I always lock my door-"
"-and since you wake up super early on weekends-"
"-it's ten in the morning!"
"-I figured I'd come say hi."
Kunikida is too tired for this. He doesn't even have a shirt on yet, and his sweatpants are riding almost explicitly low on his hips – too low for company. His glasses are laying right next to Dazai's left hand on the counter where he put them last night, and his hair is so messy he can feel the way his hair tie had shifted during the night. Dazai is dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Completely comfortable. Drinking coffee.
Kunikida feels his heartbeat slow down just slightly from the initial scare, but it's still beating too fast to be healthy. He's fine. He has very impressive repression skills.
"What the hell," Kunikida repeats instead of anything useful, like 'do you want breakfast?' or 'did you even sleep?' or even a heartfelt 'can you maybe never leave my life because I, surprisingly, enjoy your presence?'
"Well that's a way to greet a guest, Kunikida-kun," Dazai frowns. Kunikida wants to kiss that stupid look right off of his face and almost turns red at the thought.
He coughs, and something catches in the back of his throat.
"Whatever. What are you actually doing here?"
He self-consciously pulls his pants up higher on his hips as he heads to the fridge. He isn't exactly ashamed to pull out an energy drink, but he sees Dazai raise an eyebrow when he cracks it open.
"I can't hang out with one of my closest friends outside of work?"
"You can, but I'd like a little bit of warning before you break into my house."
Kunikida feels a stab of something very not repressed at the thought of being called a friend and nothing more, but he swallows down another gulp of his drink and snatches his glasses up before Dazai can do anything to them.
"Give me a key and I won't have to pick your locks every time I want to get in," Dazai proposes. For a second, Kunikida feels a stab of blind panic at Dazai having a key to his home, and he thinks for a second that it shows on his face.
He wants Dazai to laugh it off, to break out into a smile and tell him he's joking, but Dazai holds his eyes and doesn't make any move to grant Kunikida's wishes. Kunikida takes a peak down at Dazai's hands.
They don't shake.
He feels another cough coming, and represses it like he does everything else.
"Alright."
They set up a routine after Kunikida gives him a copy of the key to his apartment, and it, for some reason, makes Kunikida loosen up around Dazai.
They go out for drinks every Saturday night, and Dazai stays the night in the other room on the spare futon Kunikida owns. Every Sunday, they have breakfast before Dazai goes back to his own apartment, and Kunikida feels his lungs ache despite not having smoked anything since he was 19.
Every morning, Kunikida wakes up to a scratchy throat and that ache in his lungs, like thorns poking at his insides in the worst possible way.
He ignores it, and works like he always has, except now with him and Dazai closer than they've ever been before.
He knows it’s going to be his downfall, and yet, he finds himself treasuring every moment alone with his partner. Kunikida knows what this is, this more-than-a-schoolyard-crush Thing, but he doesn't do anything about it.
It would ruin them if he did, and the more that he thinks about it the more he knows it wouldn't work. Dazai is as cruel as a hurricane on the open sea, and Kunikida is the lone boat desperately trying to get to the other side of the ocean. He can't think of any situation where him confessing would help their situations at all, especially considering their jobs, their coworkers, everything.
So Kunikida does what Kunikida does best; processes the problem, figures out the best solution, and enacts it.
Even if he can feel the rose petals start to come up some mornings.
Even if he coughs and coughs and coughs and still tastes the blood in his mouth and on his lips.
White lily petals are new, Kunikida thinks.
They've started to come up with the red now, and he knows that if he doesn't do anything soon, he'll either die or get laid. Or get laid and then die? He'll have to think about that.
But he's trapped in Yosano's section of the office for a checkup and he prays to everything high and mighty that she doesn't ask to see a scan of his lungs, or ask about why he has a few spots of blood on his shirt sleeve from this morning when he coughed on his commute to work and didn't have the time or energy to go back and change.
He feels another cough come up, tickling the way back of his throat, and before he can think to dismiss himself appropriately he bolts from the bed and falls on his knees before the nearest trash can. He hears Yosano squeak in surprise behind him; he can confidently say he's never heard that sound from her before. He'd make fun of her for it if he wasn't hacking up a lung, red and stained white petals retching from his throat and into the garbage while he struggles to breathe through them.
"Please," he whispers when he's sure he's done. His voice is run ragged and he forces himself to lick blood off his lips. "Please don't tell anyone."
Yosano is there in an instant, rubbing circles into his back and threading her fingers through his hair.
He's crying before he even realizes it, choking sobs that shake his shoulders and rattle his already fragile lungs. It's a shame the only thing he can think is that his knees hurt where they're still pressed to the floor, and white lily petals are new enough that he doesn't know what they mean to defend himself properly.
"I can heal you," Yosano offers softly. They both know what that means, though; his memories would disappear with his love. Dazai's face flashes through his memory and he can't fucking stand to lose this partnership, not after everything they've been through, not after everything they've seen and experienced together.
"I can't do that, Yosano. I really, really can't do that."
"Oh, darling," Yosano whispers. Her voice is so soft it almost hurts more than his lungs do. "If you weren't looking so pained, I'd kick your ass for falling for someone in times like these."
Kunikida snorts. He can't help it. He takes a deep breath to collect himself and forces himself to stand up, wiping his eyes with his sleeves and scratching his raw nose.
Yosano helps him up only to drag him to the bed, forces him to sit, and proceeds to spend the next five minutes trying to physically put water down his throat and simultaneously ask him fifty questions at once.
He has to tell her, but only after she promises not to let it slip to anyone but Fukuzawa.
She sends him home ten minutes later with a kiss on the cheek and an under the table bottle of painkillers.
(Dazai sees her give Kunikida the kiss. He wants to imagine the flash of jealousy that flits across his eyes.)
Kunikida doesn't expect to be given special treatment after this, so he goes into work the next morning with coffee in his hand and a schedule already planned out based around the email Fukuzawa sent him after he got home the day before.
As soon as he steps inside, all eyes are on him.
"Fuckin-"
"I didn't tell them anything!" Yosano defends quickly. "They were worried about you yesterday, so I told them you puked. Ranpo refused to tell anyone even after he figured it out."
Kunikida sighs. He can barely go one day with a secret before the whole of Yokohama knows what he's up to, so all he does is press his lips together and look over at Ranpo. Who looks, surprisingly, very sad. Which is – strange. He makes the Executive Decision to ignore it.
Even if Ranpo knows everything, he wouldn't be able to save him, not now.
"I don't have time for this. Everyone get to work, we've got missions to do today and Dazai's debts to pay off."
"Hey-" Dazai butts in, but Kunikida shoots him a look that turns his indignation into a pout. Kunikida gives him a half a smile to make up for it.
"Alright, everyone listen up. Atsushi and Ranpo are going to the other side of town at ten to help the local police out on a recent case and Ranpo needs someone to bring him to the station. Yosano: you're being dispatched to the local hospital. They've been flooded since last night and need your help. Kenji, Kyouka, and Tanizaki: you'll be headed to the mall to do some recon. The files should already be on your desks and your target's mugshot should be in there as well. Dazai and I will be headed to one of the warehouses in town to finish off some business that we started a few weeks ago, so everyone, please head out as soon as you’re able."
Kunikida finishes running through some of the finer details with everyone fairly quickly after that; there's a reason the ADA runs as smoothly as it does, and Kunikida doesn't want to brag, but he helped create the chaotic function that everyone relies on even to this day.
It doesn't take long to get everyone out in the field, and it definitely doesn't take long for his lungs to realize that today is the day they'll give him the most trouble.
If he's truly being honest with himself, though, his lungs have been bothering him more than usual for the past three weeks despite Kunikida trying not to pay too much attention to them. Half the time, he wakes up with petals scattered around his bed and in his mouth, and knows that Dazai will start catching onto him soon if he's not careful.
He doesn't do anything about it anyway. He has a reputation to upkeep, and if that reputation means repressing every single one of his feelings towards Dazai, then he's going to try his damn hardest to keep that reputation intact.
When him and Dazai finally head out, Kunikida coughs slightly into his sleeve and prays that nothing comes up.
"I'm not sure if I want to know what's happening with you," Dazai intones. They're walking in the direction of the port and Kunikida doesn't look at him. "But I'm going to ask anyway. I know you won't lie to me. Are you okay?"
"I'm okay, Dazai," Kunikida lies. It rolls off his tongue so easily, he'd be surprised if it didn’t work.
Dazai believes him. Neither of them bring it up again.
Kunikida gets worse by the day. The weeks drag on and he has to stay home more, both to keep himself from puking flowers all the way to the Agency and to keep everyone off his back about his 'sore throat.'
Yosano comes to visit him every day that he's not at work; Fukuzawa will give him all the time he needs, and Kunikida is more grateful for that than almost anything else.
Dazai starts showing up at his door, too.
It's never on any schedule when he shows up, but it's always with soup in his hands and whiskey in his sweatshirt pockets. Sometimes Kunikida drinks the whiskey with him and it burns, it always burns, but his lungs burn more with every passing day and he realizes he has to do something about it.
Sometimes, he realizes his repression skills are too good, even for him. Sometimes, he'll say something to Dazai and almost wince like he's been hit, and Dazai lets a small flash of hurt slide over his eyes before he's back to his usual self.
Kunikida sees it, but fuck, he can't do anything about it. The more Dazai distances himself from Kunikida when he starts skipping work more often than not, the more Kunikida can tell that even if he were to spill his heart, let the emotions he's trying hard to repress hit open air, Dazai would turn him down like he turns down every other chick he flirts with.
And Kunikida would, assumingly, die. Which sounds anticlimactic, if he's being honest, but he'll suppose it's way worse than having the possible chance of living a long life.
That's also assuming he makes it out of this disease with a few scars and higher walls around his heart and lungs.
(From the look of things, though, he's going to die soon. He asked Yosano a week or so ago, and she gave him less than a month before he drops like a fly. He begged her not to tell anyone.)
The events that lead up to him actually dropping like a fly starts like this:
- Kunikida and Dazai get a mission on the rare occasion that Kunikida goes to work, after reassuring Fukuzawa that yes, he's fine, and yes, he can do field work in his state of wellbeing.
- Kunikida coughs so much in the backseat of the taxi cab, he leaves a trail of dying flowers at his feet and where the man drops him and Dazai off, then proceeds to fall to his knees after he trips over a stick and hacks up even more petals.
- Dazai asks him if he's fine. Kunikida lies and gets on with the mission despite the ache in his heart.
- Ten minutes later, Kunikida collapses after a bullet to the arm and a thorn puncturing his lung.
Luckily, he passes out before he can scream and draw even more attention to their hiding spot. He's sure Dazai can handle the gunfight they've inadvertently gotten into, and he sorta feels bad about it, but really, he's just tired and there's blood in his mouth and his lungs are in a hell of a lot of a pain at the moment. He sees Dazai yell his name before his eyes close, and really, he'll either wake up from this or he won't.
He's not ready for death, but he feels the darkness of sleep wash over him like the waves of the sea.
Kunikida wakes up in a hospital bed irrationally angry. He hurts everywhere, his arm feels like it's being suffocated in whatever contraption they've got set up for the gunshot wound, and his lungs are on a whole new scale of pain that he doesn’t want to think about right now.
"Fuck," Kunikida snaps. It scares the shit out of the person next to him, which, when he pries his eyes sorta-open it just looks like a startled nurse. "Oh, shit. I mean – fuck. I'm sorry?"
The nurse doesn't say anything to him, just swivels on her heel and speeds out of the room; hopefully it's to get a doctor, because boy is he going to pass out again. The pain in his lungs have accumulated to a burning sensation only comparable to being close to a detonating bomb, and well, that hurts like a bitch if you ask him.
He passes out when he hears quickening feet careening down the hall.
The next time Kunikida wakes up and Dazai and Atsushi are next to him, and Kunikida feels like he's being ripped apart on the inside; both because Dazai is there looking at him, and the doctor who comes in the room tells him that the thorns in his lungs have punctured through, and the chance of her doing surgery and him surviving are slim to none.
"I would suggest," she starts out, making her face soft and her voice softer, "You call whoever you've fallen for and tell them you love them. This is a case of pure stubbornness if I've ever seen one." Kunikida hates that look on her face almost as much as he hates himself right now.
"I can't do that." HIs voice is too harsh, and he coughs up several white lilies onto the bed sheets in his haste to talk. He can't bother to pick them up right now. "He's in the room with me."
Kunikida doesn't try and risk looking over more than necessary, but Atsushi looks... not as shocked as Kunikida would want him to be, honestly.
"I see. I'll leave you alone, then."
She takes a long look at the three men in the room, settles on Dazai, and heads to the door with her sneakers making a soft noise behind her.
"I'll call the President," Atsushi announces. Kunikida watches him leave, and feels a strike of panic slide through him at the door closing behind him.
There's silence, and it's too loud to deal with at the moment. Kunikida closes his eyes and rests his head back on the pillow; he's dying anyway, he can make Dazai talk about feelings for once in his fucking life. If that means some teeth gets pulled in the process, then, well, too bad.
By the time Dazai speaks, Kunikida half forgot he was there.
"You're such a fucking idiot."
Ooooh, that was harsh. Kunikida would wince at the venom in Dazai's tone if he could find it within himself to give a shit at the beginning stages of being rejected.
"Tell me about it."
"You," Dazai snaps, "are the biggest dumbass I know. What made you think falling in love with me was a good idea?"
"You never know, I could've meant Atsushi."
Dazai makes a high pitched, semi-hysterical laugh that pierces Kunikida's ears. It makes him open his eyes, though, and really, Dazai doesn’t need to stand for this. Kunikida wasn't even sure when he moved from his perch on the seat next to him.
"Can you stop joking around? This is serious, Kunikida! You're actually, legitimately dying, and the most you can do is crack a joke?"
"Not so fun when you're on the receiving end, huh?" Kunikida sneers. Dazai looks shocked at this being thrown at him, and really, he has no fucking right to be. Dazai jumps from the bridge and into the river once a week, makes Kunikida fetch him from the unforgiving, freezing waters, and then jokes about it all the way back to Kunikida's apartment to get him tea and medicine for the impending cold.
"Shut the hell up. Why didn't you tell me?"
He sounds hurt. Kunikida feels a stab of pain at making Dazai feel like that, but he's getting angry enough to not care.
"Why didn't I tell you? Have you fucking met yourself, Dazai? You've said it yourself; relationships aren't your thing, and as far as I'm fucking concerned, the most I've ever seen you do is flirt with people when you're looking for a way to embarrass yourself and/or them. Why should I put myself in the spotlight just to get rejected? This was easier for everyone."
"Easier for everyone? We all need you! You're the fucking glue that holds the Agency together! I need you!" Dazai is two notes away from outright yelling. Kunikida's heart stutters at the last comment, and willfully ignores it. He's gone this far, honestly, and his repression skills might be the last thing he has before he kicks the metaphysical bucket.
"Can you just fucking reject me already so I can get this whole thing over with? I didn't get this far just to be yelled at. Get on with it, Dazai."
He closes his eyes again, and forces his head to lay back down on the stingy pillow. His heartbeat is rocketing, and he's sure the machine attached to him is alerting the nurses with how quick his pulse feels, but he hurts. He doesn't want this. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to see his houseplants again, and his grandmother, and his father's old cat he named after a Star Wars character however many years ago. He wants to be in love with Dazai and live happily ever after without the thorns in his lungs.
He coughs up rose petals, and it adds to the pile of stained red white lilies on his lap.
"I wouldn't have. Rejected you, I mean, if you fucking talked to me about this."
The heart monitor stutters, and he blames it entirely for Dazai's wet laugh to accompany it.
He opens his eyes.
"I think it might be too late for that," Kunikida whispers. His voice cracks on the last word.
Dazai's breath hitches, and Kunikida brings a hand up for him to grab. Dazai looks how Kunikida feels, tired and burnt out and way too heartbroken for words, but Dazai grabs his hand and sits down on the bed by Kunikida's knee. And he starts talking. Dazai tells him how much he's admired Kunikida from the start.
How he imagined them living in Kunikida's apartment with him, buying houseplants, watching the sunset every night, drinking with Kunikida when the fireworks come around and Kunikida can’t stop shaking with every pop in the night sky.
He talks about loving him when he was twenty-one and getting drunk with Ranpo one night, spilling his heart out and hearing Ranpo tell him it might not happen anytime soon.
Dazai talks about loving him when they were on their latest mission and watching blood drip from Kunikida's mouth, expecting the worst, and killing everyone in sight with a bullet to the forehead just to get it over and done with.
Kunikida holds his hand through it, squeezes at the right moments, and his throat doesn't feel as scratchy when Dazai is just crying silently, his shoulders shaking through semi-repressed sobs.
Kunikida tells Dazai about loving him for so long he can't pinpoint when it happened, and how he used to imagine them holding hands on his couch while they watched movies and drank beer, kissing in the dark, waking up with each other every morning.
The doctor comes back in when Dazai starts chuckling through a memory, and tells Kunikida that a vitals check won't hurt him and that, if things are going well, she could save him yet.
Epilogue
Kunikida wakes up on Saturday morning tired, cranky, and boiling hotter than a furnace in winter.
All three of these are 100% Dazai's fault.
He gets up with enough wiggling, slides out of the room on socked feet, and makes coffee. He has a coffee maker now thanks to Dazai's growing caffeine addiction, and starts making tea for himself while the pot starts grinding into Awake Mode. Next, he fills a glass of water and pulls his pill bottles from the cabinet; one for depression, one for PTSD, and two for his lungs.
Even a year after the Incident (as it’s been dubbed by the Agency), his lungs still ache some mornings and physical therapy can only do so much for him with how little spare time he gets. It helps, though, along with his medicine and Dazai nagging him at every step of the way to full recovery.
It’s a good life, if he thinks about it.
He has Dazai in his bed every morning, and kissing in the dark isn't as fantastic as kissing in daylight, but Kunikida will take everything that's given to him if Dazai is willing to keep him.
(From the look of things, he doesn't have much to worry about.)