Archive of Our Own

How could I have been so incredibly blind? 

"…Ah, a lot of that will probably be mine." 

Damn that bitch in heat!  Why Daniel?  After everything that kid's been through.

Daniel, you've always been good at burying your pain but not this time, bucko!  You brought me back from the brink and I will NEVER forget that.  I owe you!   

You'd finally found happiness on Abydos.  Dammit!  Why the hell couldn't I just leave you like that?   

Face it, Jack… it's 'cause you missed him, a lot.  God, when did things get so screwed?  

Come off it!  This is your fault and you know exactly when it all started goin' wonky 'cause you've relived that moment countless times and you still have a serious problem wanting to admit it.  Sigh… 

~~~ 

Daniel, you had chosen to stay on Abydos and I went home.  Maybe more than a few times I thought about what you were doin' now.  If there were any little Jackson's in the works.  Things were fine in my world.  Then they went hell a year later and I ended up ordered to bring your ass back here.   

My thoughts were clearly focused on the mission and the military way.  That held up until I saw how you held Sha're.  When she kissed you and you kissed her back this searing heat engulfed me.  I thought it was anger for the whole reason behind the mission I was feeling – the U.S. blows up the Abydonians if I don't prove Ra's dead and bring back the geeky kid.   But after things slowed down, when I thought back to that moment, I realized what it really was… jealousy.  I remember I had this argument with myself.   

I'm jealous?  Oh what, for cryin' out loud?     

Of her.  Of what she has that you don't.   

And.   So.  What's that?   

Daniel.   

Daniel?  Ah, no way!  He's just a geek that likes rocks, squiggles, and old stuff, and besides that he's a guy and I don't go for—   

And that's when I really looked at you.  I saw the same geek as before, but there were also some differences.   You seemed out of place on Abydos without your coffee in hand, hunched shoulders, a pocket full of tissues for your ever-present sniffles, and nose in a book.  But you also appeared more relaxed and happy on this desert planet.   You smiled a lot more and I had to admit it your looks were striking.  Why I was just now seeing that, I haven’t a clue.  My eyes kept riveting back to you.  You'd gotten tan and a bit more built.  There was still that look of curiosity on your face but you seemed surer of yourself, less awkward.  The subtle changes were mesmerizing and I realized I wanted what I was looking at.   

God, it's really true.  I want Daniel.  

And as if that wasn't enough of a shock, the real reason for why I was there felt like I'd been knocked upside the head with a shovel.  I had felt compelled to return to Abydos and it wasn't 'cause of the orders and that I'd get to see Ska'ara, it was because I longed to hear your voice again.  To hear you say my name and, more than that… I needed to touch you again.    

I was pretty sure I was in shock, not to mention utter denial for a while with that epiphany.  This next part hurts to admit and I hate to think I ever thought this, but here goes.  When Sha're was taken by Apophis my heart fluttered,  but that feeling instantly vanished under the mountain of guilt that came with it and increased ten times over when I saw how much it was tearing you apart.  I wanted to comfort you but I had to get us out of there first, and afterwards, when you came back through the gate with me, there just never seemed to be the right moment.  Besides, I knew my feelings weren't shared and there was no way you would even consider an "us" with Sha're in your everyday thoughts.  So, I thought I could adapt; put my mind back into my job, and I did.  And it's worked well... so far.

~~~

Yep, keeping my mind on the job has worked like a charm, except… I still sometimes get these thoughts creeping into my mind when I catch myself staring— 

No, Jack.  Focus!  Gotta keep focused.  Stop thinking that way 'cause you know what might happen.  Get too close and you blow it.  Screw up what ya got with him now by dumping this on him, talking about your feelings for him… I don't think so.  Y'need to force yourself to stay away for yours and his own good.  It's worked up to now and you and I, we've got a good thing going.  We're friends.  Best friends.   

Who the hell am I kidding here?   

You are in deep denial, Jack, and... and you can't do this any longer.   

When he looks at you, the depth of those eyes incessantly pulls at you and you can't trust yourself with him that close.  In those moments, you're petrified that it's written all over your face and if you stare too long he'll see your long kept secret, that insatiable hunger, which burns in you when you're near him. 

'Gotta remember your mantra, Jack.  Keep your distance. 

At a distance I can't loose myself in your eyes.  There's safety at a distance.  I have more confidence not to do something you would never forgive me for.  But when we get close and you look at me, I just want to dive into those pools of bottomless blue.  See my heart's dearest wish come alive in your eyes.  See love ignite in those gorgeous orbs as you smile when I reach to kiss you.  Firmly press those soft, warm lips against mine.  Inhale your scent.  Caress your cheeks.  Run my hands down the length of your arms.  Fasten my gaze with yours under those long silky locks.  Pull you to me.  Feel the heat our bodies are radiating.  Engulf you in building passion.  Devour you like the sweetest candy.  

Oh God, yes, Danny.  I wish with all that I am that I could tell you.  Show you.   

But I can't.  Not now.  Not after— 

No.  I can only enjoy the view from here, as a good friend, who can share in your successes and sacrifices.  

Now, thanks to that damn she-devil, you're about as fragile as fine crystal and I don't want to say or do something that could shatter you.  

Jack, you need to be cautious how to handle this.  Daniel's got some damn fine inner strength and you need to help him tap into it.  He needs to be reminded how incredibly unique and important and needed he is.  He needs to know there's nothing wrong with him.  

Daniel, how can I explain to you that, when you take your youthful curiosity and incredible drive for knowledge and understanding, soak it heavily in uninhibited compassion then wrap it in such a stunning package, you shine like a freakin' pulsing beacon that draws others like a fish to very tempting bait?  And because no one told you what an incredible kid you were, tempered with all the love you needed, you are completely oblivious to this fact.   

I'm no exception to your charms, but what could you possibly see in someone as old and worn as me?  It also attracts those that wish you harm.  I should have been there to stop her. 

If I'd had even the slightest inkling of what she'd planned for you, Danny, she'd o' been zatted to dust before stepping one foot in the SGC.  I bet you never saw it coming - you were under that bitch's spell, same as me and all the other men on this base.  You are capable of giving so much love, so much of yourself.  You've never held back.  I admire that in you but I also fear for you.  That way of living also opens you up to the most excruciating pain and misery of loss.  You can only give so much of yourself before there's nothing left of you.  Now I'm praying the damage she caused isn't irreversible. 

This is all my damn mess and I gotta solve it. 

Since I brought you back from Abydos you've been made to suffer because of my selfish needs.  First your wife was taken from you, then you had to leave the only real family you've known since you lost your own parents and adapt back on Earth, and now this.  Just how much can one person be expected to handle before—  

No.  That ain't happenin'!  Not while I'm in your life.  I need to help you, even if you only see me as a friend.  Even if that's all there ever will be.  I have to be there for you.    

~~~ 

"Knock. Knock.  Daniel, you in there?"  

Aw Danny.  God, just look at you.  What can I do to take that look off your face? 

I wish I could just pull you to me and shelter you from all the suffering.  Take away your pain.  I want to do that.  Help me to learn how to do that for you.  You are so young and vibrant.  It's just wrong.  No one should have to deal with what you have.   

If things hadn’t happened like they did… If I could give you everything you need and somehow make you realize what I've ached to share with you, if there was even a chance you could feel that way for me, we would be so good for each other.  I feel this in every beat that makes this aging heart tick. 

You're clutching her picture, holding on to the hope that you will be reunited with Sha're.  I want nothing more than for you to be happy.  Happiness.  No more misery.  No more loss.  No more pain.  I promise you, Daniel, I will help you find that again… even if it's not with me.   

I have to be strong here and now for you.  Someone you know won't fall apart when we bring it out in the open so you can vent or cry over it.  That's what you need.  'Cause believe me, I know that if you keep holding this in, it will kill the gentle, caring young man I know.  The man I lo— 

You need to know you don't have to do this alone.  I will be there. 

"Hey, Danny.  About what you said in there… let's talk."