Work Text:
On the Legacy of Loss
By Lady Isabella Trent
In my writing, I have always refrained from excessive sentimentality. That can be found easily in others accounts of my life. In my memoirs I intend on telling a sober account of my life. It is my own particular type of sober, granted, but I hold myself to a high standard of not indulging in low drama. It is however, as I have often remarked before, nearly impossible to speak of one's own loss without emotion.
In a life as large as my own, I inevitably learned to handle loss. One gets to know all the parts that come with losing friends and loved ones. It slowly becomes a familiar presence recognizable on the horizon, so that one can prepare for it. However that never made it hurt any less. At this time I have lost many a dear friend, whether because of their passing, or the more mundane reason of distance, which I have remarked before, restrains us almost as much as the grim angel. Of them all, there are few, whose company I do not miss, whose conversation and advice I do not often long for, or dream of regaining. But most of the time there is very little one can do. Lost is lost, and there is little gained in pursuing the impossible, although I can foresee many of my long-time readers smiling at me for saying this.
That is not to say that nothing can be gained from loss. Every friend leaves a bit of them with you, and influences your life in their own specific way. I am not the same person as I would be, if someone in my life had been otherwise lacking. The same, as unsavory as it might sound, can be said of their exit from my life. This aspect is of course, harder to come to grips with in the moment of mourning, as most things are, and I would not dare to suggest that it is in any way easy after decades. I apologize to however is reading this, for the twisting way I am bringing myself to this topic. As I have looked back at my life in a renewed depth, one thing has over the years become clear to me, although it is hard to convey properly.
I have in my life achieved a great deal. I have at the very least achieved a great deal more than I ever dreamt of, from the time when I was a small girl sneaking into my father's library, or a shy bride cautiously following my husband. It would indeed have been very likely for me to never progress much further than that, with my interest staying as just that, an interest, in a life that would, in relation to my current life, be little more than a longer sibling to my grey years.
I have often remarked that in my earlier travels, especially Bayembe and Akhia that my status as a widow gave me greater degree of freedom than I would ever be able to achieve otherwise, excepting of course a false beard. That was however, only a small part of the point I didn't dare to share at that time, which i still am hesitant to express, given how it sounds, no matter how one says it. The truth is, that I gained a freedom from more than just the status of being a widow. The widowhood gave a freedom of its own, in its own way.
I will of course pause here and say that I of course loved Jacob with all my heart. He improved my life in so many ways, and helped me on my way to live the life I came to lead. He was brave and kind, and in the end utterly supportive of me. But my life has come to be defined by things, which would have been impossible, where I then the wife of a supportive husband. That is not to say I would have had a bad life, I simply would never have been able to get near the life I now cherish. He could never in his life have been able to let me partake in any of the travels that came after Vystrana. Allowing his wife to travel into a war alone would have ruined him. Vystrana had been bad enough on its own, and there i was in much less danger than the years after. In addition to that, there is a world of difference between being subordinate to a husband, no matter how supportive and kind, and to having your life in your own hands. My reputation for reckless bravery could never have come into being, if the choice had not been my own. He would of course have my best interest at heart, and most likely i would have never attempted anything near my exploits, knowing what it would have cost him.
I have had these thoughts, and have wondered what to do with them, for decades now. It was however not until very recently, that I came to agree on the view that I started above. There are things to be gained from loss. Terrible events can end up granting us a better end. And that is how I choose to see it. Jacob didn't just save my life in Vystrana. He gave his life for me, and I owe him everything.
Isabella, Lady Trent
Falchester
20 Ventis, 5662