Chapter Text
Serena always tried her best to finish work on time, to be home and cook dinner for her daughter but it wasn’t easy, running a ward, being deputy CEO of a hospital and raising a daughter alone. If it weren’t for the help and support of her mother she wouldn’t have coped, wouldn’t have managed to be both a mother and a successful surgeon.
It was one of the rare days where she managed to be home at a reasonable time, able to enjoy a meal with her daughter. Able to spend some quality time with her rather than rushing home after a stressful day and having very little time before putting her to bed. They’d finished dinner and Ellie was sat at the kitchen table doing homework while Serena finished clearing away the dinner things. “Mum?” Elinor asked in that way children do when they want something, leading Serena to believe it was going to be the ‘can I have a puppy’ conversation once again.
“Yes Ellie.” Serena replied warily.
“At school, we’re learning about genetics,” Ellie explained and Serena was grateful it wasn’t the topic she was expecting, didn’t have the energy for the same argument. “and how we get traits from both our parents.” Serena stopped what she was doing to give her daughter her full attention, beginning to wish it was the puppy conversation as she realised where this one was going. “I want to know about my dad. Do I look like him?”
Serena thought what to say for a moment, how best to answer her question; although she knew Ellie would one day ask, she wasn’t prepared for that day to be today. “I don’t know.” she replied weakly, realising as the words left her mouth that probably wasn’t the best way to start.
Understandably this was met by a confused look from Elinor. “What? You don’t remember what he looked like?”
“No, it’s not that I don’t remember, Ellie.” She hesitated before telling her carefully, “You don’t have a Dad.” This did very little to help Elinor’s confusion, her mind awash with even more questions now.
Serena let out a breath; realising this wasn’t going well she’d have to rethink her approach, perhaps start at the beginning. But what’s appropriate to tell your eight year old daughter? And how much would she even understand? She moved over to take a seat next to Ellie and, after a few steadying breaths, decided it would be best for all involved just to be honest.
Serena began to explain, “I was in a committed relationship with someone I was very much in love with, Bernie.”
“But Bernie’s not my Dad?” Elinor interrupts, wanting confirmation.
“Not exactly, no.” After a slight hesitation Serena continued, “Bernie’s a woman.” She paused, expecting some sort of reaction from Elinor at the revelation that her mum had been in a relationship with a woman, but no, nothing, so she continued, “Bernie was in the army, we’d been together a long time and had discussed starting a family.”
“So… I have two mums?” Elinor asked, interrupting Serena once more. She simply nodded in response, a nervous smile playing on her lips, anxious to know her daughter’s thoughts.
Elinor sat quietly, processing the information. From what little knowledge she had on the subject of reproduction, she did know that it took a man and a woman to create a baby and she was struggling to see how it was possible to have two mums. “You need a man though, don’t you? To make a baby?” she asked, seemingly unfazed and totally unembarrassed by the personal nature of the question.
Unlike Serena who felt the flush creeping up her neck as she struggled to answer, “Er yes it’s true that you need um… something that only men can produce to make a baby.” She pauses, thinks how best to word this, “There are ways, uh medical procedures that women can have to make a baby without a man being…” she pauses once again, takes in a breath as she searches for the right word, winces slightly as she says it, “…physically...involved.”
“And that’s what you did? How you made me?”
Serena exhaled with a smile and nodded, glad Ellie hadn’t asked her to elaborate on any of the details. She went on, “Bernie went away on tour and I thought, well I thought it would be a nice surprise for her when she came home.” Serena sighed, casting her eyes down she added with a hint of sadness in her voice, “I thought it was what she wanted.”
“But it wasn’t what she wanted?” Elinor asked quietly, her eyes filling with tears at the realisation of what that meant. “She didn’t want me?”
At the sound of Elinor’s sniffles Serena scooted her chair closer, took hold of her daughter’s hands and told her quickly and without uncertainty, “No darling, it’s not that she didn’t want you. She didn’t…” she stops, corrects herself, “doesn’t know about you.” Serena worries that Elinor might hate her for making that decision, for not allowing Bernie to be part of her life but she needs to be honest, doesn’t want Ellie thinking Bernie abandoned her. “After she told me she wasn’t coming home, I made the decision not to tell her. To raise you alone.”
Elinor remained quiet, thought for a moment. “So she still doesn’t know about me?” Serena simply shook her head, guilt and sadness in her eyes. “Do you think…” Elinor started slowly, unsure how to ask. She didn’t want to hurt her mum’s feelings, for her to think she’s not enough for her. “Do you think, maybe, I could… meet her, would that be okay?”
“Oh darling.” Serena breathes out, she knew that it was very much a possibility when she told her that she’d want to meet her other mother. “Of course it’s okay, if that’s what you want.”
“Do you think she’ll want to meet me?” Elinor asked tentatively, her words full of hope.
Serena didn’t know the answer to that, hopes for Elinor’s sake that Bernie will want to, that she won’t hold Serena’s decision against their daughter. “Honestly sweetheart… I don’t know.” Elinor’s gaze dropped to the table, her disappointment that this woman, Bernie, might not want to meet her evident in her actions. Serena placed a comforting hand on her cheek, quickly assuring her, “But I’ll do my best, okay?” Elinor met her gaze with a small grateful smile and allowed her mum to pull her in for a hug. “Now come on, let’s get you to bed.”
As Serena tucked Elinor into bed, she looked up to her mum, spoke in a similar wanting tone she used earlier, “Mummy.” Serena met her daughter’s gaze and Ellie continued. “What’s she like? Bernie.”
Serena settled herself on the edge of Elinor’s bed and began, “She’s,” Serena thought for a moment, wasn’t sure what to tell her. Didn’t want to build her up to be this amazing woman only to have her say she didn’t want anything to do with Ellie. “She’s a brilliant surgeon, one of the best in the country.”
“Like you?” Ellie asked with a proud smile that lit up her face.
Serena chuckled lightly, leaning in closer to whisper secretively, “Maybe even better than me.” Earning a bright smile from her daughter.
“What does she look like?”
Gorgeous was the first word that popped into Serena’s head but not one that was entirely appropriate to share with her daughter. “Uh Ellie, it’s been eight years.” Serena tells her, playing it off that she can’t remember even though she can still picture her perfectly, recall every detail of her beautiful body. “Besides she’s probably changed in that time.” Serena adds even though she’s kept an eye on her career and her appearance over the years, purely for professional reasons.
Ellie wasn’t giving up; she wanted to know, “Tell me how you remember her. How she looked the last time you saw her.”
Serena let out a sigh and gave in to Ellie’s pleading with a fairly vague description. “She’s about my height, slim, blonde hair, brown eyes.” She trailed off as her mind wandered, recalling Bernie’s gorgeous, deep, rich brown eyes. Eyes she could easily lose herself in, often did.
Elinor’s voice broke her from her thoughts, “Do you have photos?”
“I’m sure I do somewhere.” she tells her, knowing full well she does and exactly where they are. “I’ll have a look at the weekend. See if I can find some. Now come on, sleep.” Serena stands, straightens out the duvet where she’d been sat and leant over to kiss her daughter’s forehead. “Night darling. Sleep tight.”
“G’night Mum.” Ellie cuddled down as Serena made her way across the room. She came to a stop in the doorway, was reaching out for the light switch when a slightly muffled voice said, “I love you.”
Serena turned to look back at her daughter, now barely visible as she’d burrowed down under the duvet, could just see a mop of light brown hair. She smiled to herself, “I love you too.” She flicked the light off and closed the door down before making her way down the stairs.
Serena settled herself on the sofa, relaxing back into the plump cushions, a glass of wine in hand, allowing her mind to wander back to the day Bernie had called. “I want something better for you.” She had listened to Bernie’s words, absentmindedly stroking her stomach. Bernie broke Serena’s heart and in that moment she made the decision, if she wasn’t what Bernie wanted then she would do this alone.
Of course over the years Serena often thought back to that phone call, worried she’d made the wrong decision; thought perhaps she should’ve given Bernie the choice but what choice had Bernie given her.