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Ken knows that Lindsay only started hanging out with them last fall because she wanted to get with DeSario, and that everyone but Daniel himself has been aware of it since day one.
And Ken guesses that's because Daniel is kind of used to everyone being a little bit in love with him.
But Lindsay's smart, and she's not a slut or a dirtbag, and it makes him sick to his stomach sometimes if he thinks too much about how her life has changed over a crush. That, plus her faux rebellion and stupid decisions and just that look she gets on her face like she's waiting so desperately to fit somewhere, they all twist in his guts and it completely sucks.
Especially because there's nothing going on to distract him from it.
The summer is hot and lame and everyone is out of the picture.
Amy went to spend July at her aunt's near Lake Michigan and broke up with him two weeks in for some guy who sells bait and tackle. Nick is always off with Sara being embarrassing and Daniel is pumping gas. The girls had the decency to call when they were outside Madison, but no one's heard from them since then.
The few times he has hung out with the guys, they don't talk about what could be going on out there on tour. They don't really talk about much of anything. Instead, they drink because Nick won't get stoned with them any more and Ken doesn't know when it became kind of weird to hang out with his oldest friends.
When he's by himself, he smokes a lot of pot and watches a lot of TV and thinks about Lindsay.
He ran into Sam at Stacky's a few days ago, but Sam just gave him a dirty look and didn't mention if his sister had come to her senses and decided to head home.
Ken can't enjoy his burger and tells himself, like always, that he should have been meaner to her back in October. She would have run back to her Christian friend with the pigtails and he never would have had to worry about her and they'd probably both sleep better at night.
---
Lindsay and Kim get back into town late on a Friday night, a week and a half before school starts up again. They're both tan with beads braided into their hair. Having them back, it's kind of like everyone else forgets about spending the summer pissed off and nervous.
Except Ken, who remembers how shitty it was and that somehow the universe decided it was his job to concentrate on Lindsay Weir and where her life was headed.
He still goes with everyone to the woods, where Nick builds a bonfire and they drink cheap champagne in celebration of a safe return. The girls tell stories about the people they met and laugh at their little inside jokes, and Ken wonders if they have any idea how much people missed them.
Through the smoke of the fire, he watches his friends and feels cheated. Tonight is how the past two months should have been and once Kim and Lindsay's parents know they're back, nights like this are going to be a thing of the past.
Which is why he thinks Daniel pulls Kim away and has her tie-dyed t-shirt off before they're even out of sight. Ken finishes off the bottle of Asti he's holding and wants it to cool his frustration a little. But it doesn't work. Lindsay comes to sit next to him and he notices the blonde streaks in her hair, the light freckles on her face.
She smiles at him and it makes him angrier. "So, Lindsay, what was it that finally made you decide to come back? You get tired of getting high and letting random guys do things to you?"
He can tell that she wasn't expecting this at all, and he feels like kind of a dick, but not enough to apologize.
"I've been with mellow people for a few months. Cut me some slack with the attitude for awhile. And I have to go deal with my dad after this, so..."
Ken glares at her and wonders if his parents would even notice if he disappeared for an entire summer. "I'm not going to lay off. And you know why? Because you have it so good and you will do everything in your power to fuck that up," He chucks the empty bottle into the forest and hears a satisfying smash. "Welcome home."
As he's walking away he can hear Nick calling after him, but he doesn't stop.
That night is the first one in a long time when he lays down and goes right to sleep.
---
Ken was expecting things to be different after the Not-So-Grateful Summer, but they're really not. Lindsay eats with them in the cafeteria and comes to the patio even though she still doesn't smoke. The only thing that's really changed is that she seems to care a lot less about everything.
Her father drops her off and picks her up at school, and she just shrugs and says it's a drag, but she kind of gets it. She doesn't stare at Daniel and Kim anymore when they suck face and he can tell she tunes out most of what Nick says, especially if it's about Sara. But she goes to class, and he knows that in English she raises her hand if no one else will answer a question, so maybe deep down she's the same.
They wind up being the only two people at lunch one day, and as she places her tray down on the table, she says, "Are you going to be a jerk today?"
He stops eating his sandwich. "What?"
"I'm serious, Ken. If you're going to be mean, I'll just go somewhere else."
Ken pushes the chair out with his foot. "I'll try to control myself."
They eat in silence for awhile, her barely touching the pasta with meat sauce in front of her. "Does controlling yourself mean saying nothing?"
"It looks that way."
She swirls the Italian food around with her fork. "I'm sorry you and Amy broke up. That sucks."
He nods and makes an affirmative mm-hmm noise in her direction.
"Ok, look, I know what I did this summer was selfish and stupid and that it upset a lot of people. I get it. And I was expecting it from my parents, and my brother and Millie and probably even Nick a little. But I wasn't expecting to come home and have to deal with this from you. Since when do you even care that I exist?"
He doesn't expect to be honest with her. "I had a lot of time to think about it."
"And with all of this 'time'," she mocks him, "what did you conclude?"
"That I'd hate for you to ruin yourself so that Daniel DeSario might think you're cool." He moves to pick up his trash and leave, but she reaches out and grabs his wrist.
She laughs, she actually laughs. "You seriously think this is still about Daniel?"
"So, you're telling me that it was?"
"Well, yeah, maybe in the beginning, but have you seen the mess that is a relationship with him?"
Placing his bag back on the table, he sits. "Since about second grade."
"And, why am I never allowed to mess up? Is it because I'm a good girl and I'm always supposed to be perfect? I'm not perfect, Ken, and I probably never was to begin with."
It kind of makes sense, and he can feel himself relaxing just a little bit. "Oh, you were. You just wouldn't admit it because you're so humble as well."
"Well obviously." She actually takes a bite of food, but then puts her fork back on her napkin. "I'm sorry I went away and that the summer was crappy."
"Thank you."
"Your welcome." She starts eating again and he watches her.
When her dad comes to pick her up that afternoon, he waves.
---
They end up having lunch together without anyone else at least twice a week, and it's nice. They talk about music and try to come up with a list of things she can do the first weekend her parents start letting her out of the house again unattended, which she thinks should be by the spring.
He asks her one day while they're splitting a pudding, "What if it's the weekend of prom? Do you think you'll want to go, to you know, laugh at all the kids?"
She smiles. "Are you asking me to prom, Ken Miller?"
"Play your cards right," and he doesn't know if he's kidding.
---
The night of her birthday he goes to drop a Who record off at her house, but it's right in the middle of her family having cake.
Mrs. Weir tells him to come in, and that she made the whole thing herself, even the chocolate frosting. It's weird, singing Happy Birthday to her with her dad standing right next to him. After the cake, he's getting ready to leave, and thanking her parents for their hospitality, but she asks him to come sit on the back porch with her.
He looks in Mr. Weir's direction, and he doesn't look pleased, but he's not furious.
They sit on the steps, looking at her mother's garden. "Thanks for the album."
"I didn't think you had it already."
"I don't."
He remembers the laser dome and Amy and how this isn't his first time but it still feels really awkward. "Lindsay, there was something else I wanted to get you for your birthday, but I didn't know if you were going to like it."
"Well what was it?"
He leans in and kisses her and she tastes like her mom's devil's food cake.