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“Hello, everyone, welcome to another episode of Seijou Unsolved! Oikawa Tooru here, with my lovably unlovable companion Iwa-chan-”
“Wait, what? Lovably unlovable?”
“Yeah, so?”
“It’s just—you know what, nevermind…”
“So picky,” Oikawa chides. “See, folks, this is why I included the unlovable part.”
“Anyway, as you can see, we’re currently on location and ready to investigate Waverton Dunes Hospital, in America, surprisingly! It’s supposed to be incredibly haunted, as the history dates back to deceased tuberculosis patients almost a century ago. Hopefully, we’ll be able to contact some of them today.”
“Emphasis on hopefully,” Iwaizumi interjects. “Probably more accurate if you said hopeless instead.”
“Okay, look, Iwa-chan, this is supposed to be a negativity-free zone-”
“We’re in the middle of an abandoned, empty hospital! This is about as negative as it gets.” he adds, for good measure, “Dumbkawa.”
“Whatever! Let’s just-” Oikawa turns to the camera and inconspicuously waggles his eyebrows up down “-get to business!”
“Our first destination is this hallway right here, also known as the Screaming Crossway. It’s said that one can hear a woman’s voice screaming and feel chills when you walk across, so let’s test it out. Iwa-chan, you go first!”
“No, no, I insist, ladies first,” Iwaizumi smirks. “You go on ahead.”
“Fine,” Oikawa sighs, taking a step forward. He shines a flashlight into the darkness ahead of him, and takes a few more footsteps. “So far, our audio recorders aren’t picking up-”
“BOO!”
“AAAGGH!” Oikawa screams, spinning around fast enough that he drops his flashlight on the ground. “Iwa-chan, whyyyy?”
Iwaizumi doubles over with laughter. “Oh my god, did we get that on camera? I’m going to watch that on repeat so much.”
“Shut up,” Oikawa grumbles. “My fear isn’t funny.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it is. You’re like a fear prostitute. People love it.”
“Um. Thanks?”
“Yeah, that’s why we get so many views.”
“Well, duh, no one comes here for you,” Oikawa scoffs. “That’s like offering someone a Gucci purse and a plastic trash bag, and them picking the trash bag.”
“Oh, says you, Trashkawa."
“Excuse me?!”
“You heard me. Traaasshhkawwa.” Iwaizumi drags out the syllables for apparently no reason. Except for maybe lengthening the amount of time that Oikawa gets humiliated, which has always been a fairly strong motive.
A loud, garbled sound interrupts them. Iwaizumi turns his head, looking for the source of it, but the hallway is as empty and as dark as Oikawa’s soul (allegedly. This has not yet been scientifically proven).
“You heard that, right?” he asks warily.
"Unforunately so, yes. Was that you?"
"No, I'm not that sadistic. Was it you?"
"Um, no, I'm not a masochist," Oikawa sniffs. "Iwa-chan, if I die tonight, I'm totally taking you out of my will. Mattsun and Makki can inherit all my UFO t-shirts instead."
"How can you do that if you're dead?"
"Well, obviously, I'm going to come back and haunt you as a ghost!"
"Oh, so you basically won't exist and people will start making up fake stories about you?"
"Damn it, that's not what I meant-"
The sound of a scream echoing through the halls cuts him off. The voice is high-pitched and wailing, like a woman's, and filled with a melancholic sort of pain that hurts to listen to. Also, it's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
"Holy shit," Iwaizumi says.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," Oikawa whimpers, clutching onto Iwaizumi's bicep like it's a lifeboat in the middle of a roaring sea. "We are leaving right now."
"Don't you want to catch a ghost on camera, though?"
"Um, yeah, but I don't want to die, either! I spent too long on my hair today to get it clawed out by a demonic spirit, okay?"
"The only demonic spirit here is you," Iwaizumi mutters.
"Hmm? What was that?"
"Oh, no, nothing..."
"Hello, Ghostkawas and Iwazillas," Oikawa waves at the camera while sporting a pair of alien sunglasses. He leans back in the chair of his desk. "As you can tell, the first half of our episode was cut short by, er, a slight dilemma, that dilemma being ALMOST DYING, so we're back in the studio and answering some of your guys's questions, sent to us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram!"
"Please don't call our fanbase that."
"I didn't choose it," Oikawa smirks. "It was a majority rules poll on our Twitter. Sucks to suck, Iwa-chan."
"Alright, question number one..." he scrolls through his phone absentmindedly. "Okay, here it is!"
@matsukawa_issei
what's been your guys's favorite moment of filming so far?
(PS: OIKAWA-SENPAI HAVE MY BABIES!!! <3333) #askseijounsolved
"Sorry, Mattsun, I'm taken!" Oikawa declares proudly. "Also, my favorite moment has definitely been just last week when we first got to the states in Arizona, and we took—how many UFO tours did we take? Five?"
"Six, I think."
"Oh, yeah. So, we took six UFO tours, one of them being Area 51, which is where I got these glasses from," he grins.
"Waste of money, if you ask me."
"I didn't ask you, Iwa-chan. Your turn, by the way."
"Um, favorite filming moment?" Iwaizumi frowns. "That's probably when you almost peed your pants when we stayed at that cult forest overnight. Or every time I've been totally right that ghosts don't exist, which is pretty much every video."
Oikawa whips his sunglasses off dramatically, also flipping his hair in the process. "Rude, Iwa-chan! You know what, next question!"
@kageyawn
oikawa: what do you love more, iwa-chan or aliens? #askseijounsolved
"I can't answer this," he whines. "I love you both equally!"
Iwaizumi squints. tilting his head. "I mean, thanks, but...is this really that hard of a decision..."
"Yes! How would you feel if someone asked you if you loved me or Godzilla more?"
"Well, I'd say you, obviously."
"Aww!" Oikawa spreads his arms out and pulls Iwaizumi into a hug tight enough to suffocate. "That actually might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"Get off me," Iwaizumi grumbles, face a brilliant shade of red. "Dumbass."
"Love you, too," Oikawa says cheerfully. "That being said, however, I'll still have to go with aliens. Next question, Iwa-chan! You can read it."
"Wow, screw you," Iwaizumi retorts.
@itsthegaylien
#askseijounsolved have any of your filming locations ever reminded you of previous places you've visited? love you guys!!
"Not in particular," Iwaizumi shrugs. "I mean, they've all been kind of similar in the way that they're abandoned and stuff, but that's it."
"Yeah, I've never really had any deja-vu sort of moment where I've walked into a location and I've gotten instantly reminded another area we've covered," Oikawa agrees. "But I have to admit, shooting at Wavteron Dunes today was—pffft—oh my-oh my god, I just-PFFFAHAHA-"
"Are you crying?"
"No," Oikawa gasps for air in between his laughter. "Iwa--Iwa-chan, do you...do you know what Waverton Dunes reminds me of?"
"What?"
"Th-the Shiratorizawa campus," Oikawa starts cackling so hard that it's practically silent. "Ush-Ushiwaka is the screaming woman!"
"Holy shit," Iwaizumi attempts to turn his laugh into a cough. "Okay, there's no way we can keep that in, they'll probably sue us-"
"If you're watching this, Ushiwaka-chan," Oikawa says sweetly, turning to the camera. "I hope you get abducted and never come back!"
"OH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE OUT OF TIME," Iwaizumi yells, slapping a hand over Oikawa's mouth. "Guess you'll just have to tune in next time, see you all-"
"Wait, wait, wait, we have to answer one more!" Oikawa interjects, pulling Iwaizumi's hand away. He smiles at him, like Iwaizumi is the only thing in the whole world that matters. "I chose this one specifically for you, Iwa-chan."
"Oh, great," Iwaizumi says flatly. "Let's see it."
@hollyhoursely
WAIT. IN YOUR PREVIOUS EPISODE, YOU MENTIONED THAT A GHOST WOULD NEVER WANT TO KISS OIKAWA AND THEN HE WAS LIKE "OH AREN'T YOU JEALOUS"?? does that mean...you've kissed him before???
"Okay, that's it!" Iwaizumi says loudly. "Tune in for another episode of Seijou Unsolved next week, goodbye-"
"Why don't you answer it, hmm?"
"Why don't you, if you're so eager?"
"Sure! Okay, so, the first time we kissed was when I dropped my Starbucks and he-"
"NEVERMIND, FORGET I SAID ANYTHING, CRAPPYKAWA!"