Work Text:
Tabula Rasa
(based on the eponymous tv-show 'Tabula Rasa'. All rights belong to Caviar Films and één.)
"Sweetheart? Can you come here for a moment?" Zayn's warm voice sounds through the house, catching Harry's attention from where he is putting the plates in the drawers of the old house.
The married couple just moved into the old house they found in the woods. It used to be Harry's parents' house, the house he grew up in, but since his parents found a new, smaller and more modern one in the city, they told Harry and Zayn they could move into their old one. It was more convenient for Harry's parents to move closer to the city. With his father's dementia, they would be closer to the hospital if something went wrong.
Zayn had figured it would be for the best to move to a familiar area for Harry. Maybe the familiar surroundings will trigger his brain enough to stop forgetting everything. Harry had been in a car crash in the beginning of the year. Spring had just started and he and Ellie, their daughter, had been on their way home from ballet school when the deer appeared in front of the car.
Harry shouldn't have turned the wheel to avoid the deer. He knows he shouldn't have, but he did. The car had flown off the road at top speed and hit a tree. Harry had hit his head hard against the wheel. It had damaged his brain severely. The doctors had told Zayn that Harry would have trouble with his short-term memory.
Harry had woken up from his coma after three days. Zayn had been there, next to him. It was late at evening. "What happened?" He had asked when Zayn had clutched his hand. Zayn had explained everything. He told his husband to sleep. Rest would make him better.
The next day, when he had returned to the hospital to see his green-eyed spouse, Harry had looked up at him panicked. "What happened?" He had asked. Zayn knew this would happen. The doctors had warned him about it, had warned the entire family about it.
So soon after, Harry had gotten his diary. Empty pages he could slowly fill with everything he heard and wants to remember. He draws the faces of the people he meets and writes short sentences with them so he can remember.
When he finally had gotten home, the first thing Harry did was hug their daughter tight. He was so glad she got out unharmed. Their poor little Ellie. He would be the one spending time with her now. His career as opera star is over. He wouldn't be able to remember the texts anymore. Zayn still works as CEO for the... what was it again, Harry cannot remember.
And thus, the little family had moved to a place that may trigger Harry's brain in remembering again. So far, it hadn't helped. The house is also closer to Zayn's work and closer to Harry's parents' new house. All good enough excuses to move.
"Yes, Zayn?" Harry joins him in the hallway, next to the stairs. Zayn points at the differently coloured bowls on the table.
"You can put your stuff in here, so you won't forget where you put them." He smiles and Harry sees the small handwritten papers on the bowls. 'Keys', 'Phone', 'Panic button'.
He frowns at the last one. "Panic button?" He eyes Zayn's face and the kind smile he is giving him. Then Harry notices a black device with a single red button on it in Zayn's hand.
"I have to go to work. If anything is wrong, you can just push the button so I can come and save you from anything, okay?" He explains softly once Harry took the device from Zayn's hand. He pushes the button as a test and immediately afterwards, an alarm comes from Zayn's phone. The older man smiles at his husband and ends the alarm. "I also have a tracking app for your phone so I can find you when you forget the way home, okay?" He shows it to Harry.
It's not that Harry doesn't appreciate Zayn trying to help him, but he feels a nauseating feeling in his stomach when he sees the map with Harry's phone exact location shown on Zayn's screen. He just doesn't like that he needs guarding like this now.
"Zayn..."
"I know, sweetheart. It's just in case, okay?" Zayn circles his arms around Harry's waist and kisses his forehead softly. "I'm just so glad you survived the crash." He whispers in his ear before pecking his lips. "I have to go to work now. I'll see you later today, okay? Oh, before I forget, I also installed a device on the door that will warn you when the front door is opened. Bye, sweetheart."
Harry nods softly and waves with a small smile as Zayn leaves through the front door into the cold November air. The front door closes and Harry sighs.
"Did Daddy leave already?" Harry looks up and sees Ellie standing on the stairs, pouting softly. "I wanted to say bye."
She is a pretty seven-year-old girl who they adopted when she was just a baby. She has brown curls and pretty eyes like Zayn. Ellie could be their daughter by blood, looking so much like her parents.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. We will give him a big kiss when he comes home later today, alright?" Harry opens his arms so Ellie can jump into them. He catches her easily. "Will you help me unpack the last boxes? Papa will make you Nutella pancakes after."
Ellie smiles and kisses his cheek. "I'm not hungry, papa. But I will help."
Harry takes her upstairs again and puts her down. "Well, you have to eat something."
For the next hour, they keep themselves busy with putting the last trinkets into their new places. "Papa? What is this?" Ellie runs into the room with a mirror in her hands. Harry blinks. He recognizes it.
"That mirror is granddad's, sweetie. Where did you get it?" He reaches towards the mirror, but before he can take it, Ellie trips and the mirror falls on the floor. The glass cracks and shatters.
"Oh no." Harry quickly picks Ellie up so she won't step into the glass. Ellie hides her face in her papa's curls. "I'm so sorry, papa." She sniffs. "I didn't mean to."
Harry rubs her back. "It's fine, sweetie. I didn't like that mirror anyway. Go downstairs, okay? I'll be there in a few minutes. I'll clean this up first."
Ellie runs out of the room and the world around Harry goes quiet. He hums softly as he cleans the broken glass. "Father used to tell me that this mirror keeps the ghosts out of the house." Harry has no problem remembering things that happened before the accident, it's just the memories from after which keep disappearing. Whenever the sand comes, he knows he is about to forget.
Like now. Together with the shards, a load of sand disappears into the bin when he comes downstairs.
"Papa?"
He looks up at Ellie startled. She is sitting at the kitchen table, which is entirely set up and ready for dinner.
"Ellie? Why did you set the table sweetheart? We just had breakfast."
Ellie frowns at him. "No, papa. It's 1 in the afternoon." she giggles. "You said you would make pancakes."
Harry blinks. Then he sighs, giving up on trying to remember. For all he knows, he just got out of bed. He starts the pancakes.
~*~
"Eat your dinner, Ellie," Harry begs their little girl softly. Zayn had come home a few minutes ago, always right on time for dinner, and had not even said a word to their daughter, who is just playing with her food.
"Zayn, please. Can you tell her to eat?" Harry looks at him, catching Zayn's eyes. "I don't always want to be the bad guy yelling at her. She hasn't been eating well for a while now." Harry knows she hasn't since he wrote it down in his diary next to a picture he drew of her.
His husband frowns at him and looks at the full plate next to him. He sighs and turns back to his newspaper.
Harry gasps. "Zayn?" Meanwhile, Ellie gets up and runs upstairs to her room. Harry groans and drops his face on the table.
"Are you okay?" Zayn whispers to him and gently strokes his hand over his back.
Harry shakes his head. "No, Zayn, you barely take time for your daughter anymore! You are always working! And my mother is just trying to get rid of my father!" He has tears in his eyes once he is done snapping at his husband and shakes his head. "I'm sorry I yelled, Zaynie. This is just all so hard for me." He sniffs and shakes his head. "I think I will just be going to bed early tonight.
Zayn nods. "It will all be okay in the end, sweetheart. Come. I will help you clean up the dishes."
Harry nods sadly and rubs the tears away from his eyes. He gets up, thanking his husband quietly.
~*~
That night, Harry wakes up in the middle of the night. He yawns as he sits up to look at the clock, carefully sliding out of Zayn's arms.
3.22 am.
Harry hums and lifts the covers to push the sand out of his bed. He doesn't recognize the room he is in immediately, but Zayn being near him gives him a feeling of safety. Then he recognizes the room as his parents' old bedroom. They must have moved.
It is then he registers the noise. Harry stands up and walks out of the bedroom slowly.
'Close door.'
'Close door.'
Close door.'
The machinic voice keeps repeating those words, making Harry's blood run cold. As he looks to his right, he can see the door to Ellie's room is ajar. The stickers on her door spell out her name. Harry checks on her. She is sleeping in her bed.
He closes her bedroom door before he decides to go find out where the mechanical voice is coming from.
He walks down the stairs slowly.
"Hahaha." He hears a giggle and footsteps run through the hall behind him on the top floor.
He gasps and turns around, only to be met by an empty hallway.
"Ellie?" He asks whispering.
There is no answer.
Harry shakes his head and continues his way downstairs. The 'Close door' is getting louder and louder. And then he is standing in front of the widely opened front door.
How can it be opened like this? Zayn makes sure to lock it every evening. He shakes his head and steps forward to close it. Then his eyes fall on the garden outside. A hooded figure is running through the garden. Harry yelps. "Hey!" He runs outside to follow, but as soon as he is standing on the grass, the door slams shut behind him, making him jump and turn around as the figure disappears into the woods.
"Zayn?" Harry is starting to panic now. He doesn't have a key with him, so he is locked outside. He is bound to wake up Zayn now and see a disappointed look in his eyes.
"Fuck." He curses and looks up at the building. Right above the entrance is the window of Ellie's room. Next to that one is the bathroom window. Then the light flicks on in Ellie's room.
Harry's eyes widen when he sees a figure walking through the room. It's when he sees the hood hiding the figure's identity he loses it. Harry screams loudly. "Ellie! No! Zayn! Zayn, please! Ellie!" He is ringing the doorbell again and again. He steps back again to look in through the window again. There is blood on the window now.
Harry screams again and starts banging his shoulder against the door, trying to get it open with force. He barely notices the sand starting to poor from the roof of the house and covering him.
The light in the hall flicks on and there are footsteps on the stairs. "Harry?" The door opens by the time Harry has stopped ringing the doorbell.
Harry looks up at Zayn when he opens the door for him.
"Harry, sweetheart? What are you doing here?" Zayn has a panicked look on his face. Harry can see it in his eyes.
"I-I..." He stutters and looks down as the last of the sand only he can see blows away. "I don't remember." He whispers and hugs his husband close.
Zayn sighs and holds him close.
"It will be okay, sweetheart. It will all be okay,"
He takes him back to their room and cuddles with him.
Harry reads the clock.
3.16 am.
~*~
"Be careful, Ellie, I don't want you to fall out of the tree," Harry yells a few days later when he sees his daughter climbing a tree late in the afternoon.
"No, papa. I am careful." She yells back giggling.
Harry shakes his head fondly before he continues cleaning the windows. He hates doing that. Windows get dirty again way too soon. He hums to himself as he finishes his work and smiles. "That's done." He goes inside to get rid of the dirty water and sends a text to his husband.
'Everything is okay. I'll make your favourite today for dinner. Ellie and I love you xx'
Harry smiles and looks out of the window. He sees his daughter on the ground, deadly silent.
His heart skips a beat. "Oh, no. Oh, no." He drops his phone and runs back into the garden. She must have fallen out of the tree. "Ellie?" He crouches down near her and gently shakes her. "Sweetie, answer me." she isn't even breathing. "Ellie?"
"Boo!" Ellie yells then and shoots up. Harry falls back as he looks at his daughter in shock. It was a prank. Just a joke.
"Dammit, Ellie! Don't you ever do anything like that again!" He yells at her before he pulls her close and hugs her. "Don't ever do that again."
~*~
Harry had taken Ellie to the shop with him. He had remembered the cashier from last time he went. Nothing can take the smile away from his face now. He had made progress. He remembered something without having to look in his diary.
He takes the bend in the driveway to their house and stops in front of the large black gate. He takes the device he needs to open it and pushes the button. Nothing happened.
"That's weird." He mutters and pushes the button again, but the gate won't open.
"Papa? Why are we standing still?" Ellie asks. "I am hungry. You need to drive home now."
"Of course you are hungry now. You never eat unless it's candy." Harry smiles at her. "Don't worry, though. Papa is going to open the gate." He gets out of the car with the device. He tries pushing it again. Still no movement.
He tries to open it by hand, but the black iron won't budge. "Looks like we are stuck..." He mutters.
"No!" A shout from right behind him. "I am hungry! Papa, I want to eat right now!" He hadn't heard Ellie get out of the car, but she is standing right behind him, raising her voice at him.
"We will have to wait here, sweetie. Papa is-"
"No! I want to go in! I am hungry!" She starts screaming non-stop as she starts slamming the car door close again and again.
Harry tries to stop her, but it's no use. "Now! Now!" Harry backs away from her scared. An image flashes in front of his eyes. A broken mirror.
"Stop!" Harry yells at her and places his hands over his own ears scared. The screaming of his daughter only seems to become louder. "Stop!" He screams again.
Then suddenly there are arms around him.
"Harry? Sweetheart?" Zayn sounds panicked as he pulls Harry close to his body. The screaming stopped. Ellie is in the car again when Harry looks up as if nothing had happened.
"Zayn?" Harry is shaking. Zayn is supposed to be at work. "I..."
"Tell me what's wrong?" Zayn whispers softly. "Why are you out here without a coat?" He sounds so worried about Harry.
Harry shakes his head and looks at his husband. "The gate won't open. I kept pushing the button and..." He shows Zayn the device.
Zayn groans immediately. "Come on, Harry. That is the panic button." He lets go of Harry and gets into the car. "This," He holds up another device." is the button to open the gate."
"Oh..." Harry frowns at his own stupidity. "I didn't-"
"You didn't think. That is your problem, isn't it! You keep interrupting me at work. If you could just be normal!" Zayn loses his cool completely.
Harry stumbles further away from him scared. "I'm sorry." He whimpers.
He wishes he could be a good husband for Zayn again. He knows if he doesn't, Zayn will leave him eventually.
~*~
From that moment forward, Harry starts to notice. Zayn will always be preoccupied with work. He will stay longer at work, leave home earlier. Even when he is at work, he won't stop calling and texting. Harry starts to doubt it's all about work.
But Zayn wouldn't cheat on him, right?
He tries to shake it off and focus on something else. The situation with his daughter is also not going any better. Zayn is still ignoring her most of the time. Ellie is still not eating, she is acting like a brat most of the time and Harry hates to admit it, but he is getting scared of his own daughter.
Some days he finds her covered in blood, only to forget about it a while later. Other days he thinks she has disappeared completely.
He doesn't know what is happening anymore. He doesn't know what to do.
He refuses to talk to Zayn, scared he will snap at him like that day at the gate again. He doesn't want to disappoint his husband any more than he already has.
The only good news is that Harry is starting to remember little bits and pieces of the year. It helps when he looks at pictures sometimes. Like the one they took on Ellie's birthday. The whole family is there. Ellie in the middle, blowing out the candles on her cake.
It had triggered the whole day to come back. Harry had been so proud of himself, but when he told Zayn, all he had gotten was a fake smile and a peck on his lips.
"Zayn? Could you put away your phone at the table please?" Harry asks gently. "You are not being a good example for your daughter. Who is still not eating, by the way."
Zayn tears his eyes away from the phone for a moment before he glances at the chair Ellie is sitting on. "Eat." He simply says before he starts texting again.
"Zayn!" Harry drops the knife annoyed.
"Sorry, Haz, sweetheart, but I have to go. They need me at work today."
"It's Sunday, Zayn," Harry says unimpressed and tries to glance at Zayn's phone.
He is cheating on him. Harry is almost sure about it. He just doesn't have the evidence yet.
Zayn pockets his phone quickly and puts on his coat and shoes quickly. "I know, I'm sorry, but they need me. Bye, Hazza." He kisses his cheek quickly before leaving.
"Just say goodbye to your daughter!" Harry yells, but it is no use as the door closes before he even finished his sentence. He flinches and sighs, willing himself not to cry within his daughter's presence.
"Papa?" Ellie speaks up and Harry looks at her. "Daddy has a secret." She says and smiles. She holds up the car keys.
"Yes, Ellie. Come on, pack your stuff." Harry gets ready quickly and puts Ellie in the car. He then starts following Zayn to wherever he is going. It all goes well until Zayn starts taking a few unexpected turns. Harry frowns. He can't be discovered.
Soon, they are parked in the underground car park of Zayn's work. Harry is cursing under his breath. How is this even possible. He is pretty sure this was not Zayn's original destination.
"Papa? I'm bored." Ellie whines.
"I know, sweetie. Just a little bit longer, okay?"
"Can I play a game on your phone, papa?"
Harry nods and smiles. "Of course." He takes the phone from his pocket and types in the code, ready to go through his apps, searching for the game Ellie always plays. His eyes fall on the tracking app Zayn installed instead.
Of course, that is how he knows Harry was following him.
He decides to call his sister instead.
"Hello?"
"Gems? I need you to come pick Ellie up please?"
"What?" Gemma sounds confused.
"Don't ask questions, Gemma. Please, just come pick her up? We are parked under Zayn's work building."
"What are you doing- No, wait. I don't even want to know what you are going to do. I'll be there in ten minutes, Harry." She hangs up.
Harry hums and hands Ellie the phone. "There you go, sweetie." He lets her play while they wait for Gemma to arrive. Harry keeps himself busty by keeping an eye on Zayn's car, making sure he won't get away without him seeing it.
Soon the familiar black car pulls up next to him and Gemma gets out.
"Auntie Gems!" Ellie smiles happily and hands her papa back his phone. Harry gets out and hugs his sister.
"Thanks for coming to get her, Gems. I owe you, please don't ask any questions?" He begs her silently. Ellie stands next to them. "Daddy has a secret! Papa is going to find out." Ellie sings happily, "And I will stay with you." She jumps up and down before climbing into the black car by herself.
"Do you have her things?" Gemma asks her little brother. Harry nods and opens the car door. He takes out the pink backpack he brought with him and slips in his phone. The tracker is still on, so when Gemma drives away, with Ellie and the phone in her car, Zayn will think he left.
And indeed. Not five minutes after Gemma and Ellie left, Harry sees his husband get back into his car and hurry away.
Harry curses to himself and starts up his car, leaving enough distance between him and Zayn as to not be seen.
He feels his heart beating vigorously in his chest. He is feeling nervous.
They drive for a few minutes before Zayn parks his car and gets out. Harry frowns and looks at the building Zayn disappears in.
It's a flower shop.
Tears spring into Harry's eyes as he waits for Zayn to return. He is getting his secret lover flowers. He never brings home flowers for Harry anymore.
"I fucking knew it," Harry screams and hits the wheel, almost missing Zayn's car leaving again to its next destination.
Harry hesitates. He wonders if he should follow. He would be able to find out who it is if he follows his husband now.
The curiosity wins. He starts the car again and follows Zayn once again.
Harry keeps rubbing his eyes during the drive, willing back the tears and hoping this is all some misunderstanding.
He is more than confused when he finds himself parking the car at the cemetery.
'Are they meeting up here? Do they fuck here when they are all alone? Dirty Bastard.' All kinds of scenarios are running through Harry's head as he gets out and looks for Zayn at the different sections of the cemetery.
When he steps out from behind yet another hedge, he stops. Zayn is sitting at a grave on the grass. His back is to Harry, but it is clear to him that he is crying. Harry frowns. They don't know anyone who died recently... do they?
Harry gets closer slowly, now catching the words his husband is saying.
"I miss you."
Then he reads the name on the grave.
Ellie Styles-Malik
His green eyes widen as he puts a hand in front of his mouth in shock. This is their daughter's grave. The daughter he just left in Gemma's car. His eyes scan over the date on the bottom of the stone.
March 25.
The accident.
He blinks his eyes. There is the sound of a scream, screeching tires and then a loud crash and glass shattering. A blurry image of his daughter, laying on the ground with blood all over her face.
Dead on impact. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt and flew through the front window of the car when they crashed into the tree.
A loud sob leaves Harry's mouth as he falls on his knees in the grass. His tears have started to stream down his face.
Zayn finally seems to notice him.
"Harry?" He sounds worried. His eyes are red from crying already. "Shit." He gets up to get to his husband.
Harry clings to him. "She is dead." He whimpers. "Our little girl is dead." He closes his eyes and hides his face into Zayn's neck as he cries. He doesn't want to look at the grave anymore.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart." He tells him and rubs his hand over his back. "I'm so sorry."
~*~
It took a whole day for Harry to get over the shock of finding out. Zayn had brought him home and cuddled with him in the bed. He had taken the day off at work too, so he wouldn't have to leave Harry.
"You lied to me," Harry speaks up finally. "You kept her death from me. Everyone did." He remembers celebrating Ellie's birthday two months ago, when the accident had long since past. "Why?" He looks up at Zayn when he comes in and sits on the bed with a sigh.
"It was easier for you." Zayn starts explaining gently, not wanting to anger or hurt the green-eyed man any more than he already did. "You kept forgetting she died. The doctor... You started talking to her again. The doctor told us your brain blocked out the memories of her dying. You see her, Harry. It was just easier."
Harry nods slowly. "I haven't seen her since... you know."
Zayn nods. Harry looks out of the window. The sand had not taken away his memory anymore. He has a feeling it will never return.
"I want you to be honest with me, Zayn, if I forget again. We almost fell apart because of this secret. You weren't able to mourn properly." Harry pulls Zayn close to himself.
"Promise me we will get through this together from now on," Harry whispers as he places a kiss on his cheek.
"I promise we will get through this together," Zayn whispers back. "I promise."