Chapter Text
Ben Solo sighed. He had been confined to a special room in the Resistance’s med bay for the last few days while he recovered from the blaster wound to his abdomen. Of course he had to be separated from the rest of the patients. They didn’t trust him. Which, was of course, fair. After all, it was only a week ago that he was their enemy, Commander Kylo Ren of the First Order, the man who stood and watched as Starkiller Base blew up multiple planets and slaughtered billions. The thought of it now made him feel queasy. Genocide. It was genocide. The fact was, if it wasn’t for General Leia pretty much begging for clemency, the Resistance would have had him executed on the spot. Maybe he would have preferred that. He wasn’t sure yet.
He leant back into the pillows, closed his eyes and thumped the back of his head against the wall. He didn’t like it here. The way the medical staff would look at him. The scorn. It wouldn’t have hurt if he was stilling wearing the mask of Ren. But he wasn’t. No, now they were judging Ben. Ben had emotions, Ben had feeling; Ben was suffering.
He hadn’t seen much of Han Solo within the last few days and even less of Leia. He supposed she had a lot to deal with, having vouched for him, insisting that he wasn’t just working undercover to destroy the Resistance from the inside. No one was happy about the arrangement. Han had been recovering, too. He had taken Chewie back to his home planet to celebrate a belated Life Day. He would be back today. Hopefully.
The sound of the intricate locking mechanism opening caught Ben’s attention. He cracked open his eyes towards the door, expecting another fleeting face of one of the medical staff, or even a droid. It wasn’t either. It was the ex-Stormtrooper FN-2187. The man hesitated in the doorway for a moment, his hand firmly clasped around the grip of the blaster strapped to his leg.
“I’m…I’m here to escort you to your new quarters Ren.” Finn said, just about managing to hold an air of confidence.
“Ben,” he corrected. Finn didn’t rectify his mistake. It wasn’t a mistake to him. After a moment of being silently judged by scathing eyes, Ben slowly climbed off the bed, pressing a hand against his still tender mid-section. It would probably be another week until it would be fully healed. If there was one thing Ben would never do again, it would underestimate the power behind that bowcaster. Ben straightened himself out and removed all hint of emotion from his face. Then, he headed towards Finn, his stride large and his posture rigid. Finn darted to the side to avoid being barged into as Ben made no attempt to slow down as he exited the room. Finn was tempted to voice his annoyance, but could only swallow his words when he got flashes of the figure, wielding that fiery weapon. The man before him would always be that monster in the mask.
“Follow me,” he said curtly, tightening his grip on his weapon. All he needed was a reason to use it. He wouldn’t hesitate. At least he hoped he wouldn’t. Ben followed Finn down the corridors, trying to ignore all the passers-by, feeling their auras of absolute hatred. He didn’t like being escorted around like a prisoner. It irritated him. But so did everything.
“Here.” Finn pointed towards the heavily guarded door. Ben took a deep breath as the two men, fully armed with huge blasters glared at him. Figured. Before he stepped foot in his new cell, he turned towards Finn.
“Look, FN–” Ben started.
“It’s Finn now,” the man corrected.
“Finn. I just wanted to…apologise,” he said.
“An apology means nothing coming from you,” Finn said, shaking his head. Saying he was sorry wasn’t going to bring back everyone he had slaughtered. Ren’s hands were too bloodied to ever be forgiven, to ever be forgotten. Ben’s jaw hardened, but he remained silent. He should have guessed that nothing he could ever say would change anything, not really. “I will return for you when it’s lunch time. Until then I have been told to tell you that you will remain within these chambers.”
“Fine.” He said. The guards at the door didn’t move a muscle as he passed them. But he heard them. Loud and clear.
“I can’t believe they actually let this monster live. Should have left him to rot.”
“If it were up to me, I would have had him shot before he even stepped one foot on this base.”
The doors locked shut behind him and of course they were only accessible from the outside. Ben focused on his breathing, in an attempt to calm the fire that already had him balling his hands into fists. To distract himself, he took in his new surroundings. The room was pretty barren, consisting mainly of a standard issue single bed with grey sheets, a bedside table with a lamp and a small table and chair. He didn’t even have a window. A small room followed on from the main area. At least they had given him a bathroom.
As expected, in every corner of the chamber was a camera, probably linked up to some security system where someone could constantly monitor his actions. Not having any privacy was a new feeling for him. He rarely had eyes on him in Starkiller base, most people were too afraid to even look in his direction. But right now, everyone was watching. Ben was half tempted to break the stupid cameras, just to see what would happen. But he decided against it, for the sake of his parents. He had promised them both that he would try to behave.
Ben sat himself down on the chair, which was as uncomfortable as it looked, and just stared at the cold metallic wall. It had only been a few days of being Ben Solo and already he was struggling. He had already had to restrain himself from lashing out at the medical staff, whom were just trying to their job. Already he had thought about running away, far away, anywhere. Already he regretted his inability to hide behind a monster. He couldn’t erase the thoughts that were constantly filling his mind, the floodgates had been opened and every feeling of self-loathing he had ever stashed away were now openly torturing him. He should have taken the easy way out.
Time passed slowly as Ben just waited, only getting up to use the bathroom and to pour himself a glass of water when he felt his mouth go dry. It was a much needed relief when the sound of his door broke him from his trance. He flashed his eyes towards the opening, to where once again, Finn stood. He looked just as thrilled to see him as he did a few hours ago.
“It’s time for lunch,” he stated. Ben stood up, stretching out the cramps in his long legs and followed him out, to now be joined by the two guards.
“I hope he chokes.”
Ben frowned at the comment but ultimately ignored it. The canteen was swimming with people, from the pilots dressed in luminous orange, to the mechanics covered in grease, the well-dressed officers and all those in between. Even after the destruction of the Republic, the Resistance still looked as strong as ever. Upon his entrance, silence fell and every single pair of eyes shot in his direction. Never before had he such an audience.
“Monster.”
Someone said from an unknown direction. Ben tensed. Finn then started to escort him through the crowd. Whispering voices started to bombard him from every direction while shoulders slammed into him with every step he took. Neither Finn nor the guards made any attempt to stop them. Did they not know what he was capable of? He could kill them all. Easily. Without breaking a sweat.
“Murderer.”
“Butcher.”
“Demon.”
The noise quickly became overwhelming. But no matter how hard he looked he couldn’t see anyone’s lips moving.
“He doesn’t deserve our food.”
“Only a coward hides behind a mask.”
“I can’t believe he’s the General’s son. She must be devastated.”
He wanted them all to shut up. But they wouldn’t. They just kept berating him. Ben dug his nails into his palms and let out a gruff breath. He took an elbow to his side, it grazed his wound.
“He should have never been born.”
“No wonder Han Solo ran away.”
“Kylo Ren is a monster. He killed my brother.”
He was on fire. Burning. Inside. He tried covering his ears. But the voices wouldn’t stop. They were everywhere. Penetrating his mind. It was too much. He stopped in his tracks. He couldn’t calm down. There was too much fire. So much red.
“Ren?”
“Leave me alone!” Ben yelled, forcing his fists out the side in a sudden shockwave. The crowd around him were blasted away. Tables, chairs, and anything that wasn’t welded to the ground flew along with them, clattering against the walls and floor. Why wouldn’t they just shut up? Ben stood in the middle of the room, his whole body shaking with fury. He looked around him, to all the blasters that were suddenly pointed in his direction, including Finns.
“On your knees, Ren.” One of them called. He growled in response. The air around him still vibrating with energy.
“What is going on in here?” A familiar voice silenced his immediate rage. Leia squeezed out from between the line of guards stood at the entrance. Her face was filled with disappointment, despite how much she tried to hide it. “Everyone, lower your weapons.”
“But General…” A guard said.
“I said, lower them.” She repeated. They all did as they were told. She approached her son, cautious but assuredly. Ben didn’t move, but kept his eyes focused on her, blanking out everything else to allow his mother to subdue his flames.
“Ben…” she muttered, looking up into the furious brown eyes of her child. She made an attempt to touch his cheek, but he pulled away. “Why don’t we go talk back in your chambers, hmm?” After a few long moments, Ben nodded. He wanted away from all these people, all these voices. She lead him back through the crowd, who at least this time, gave him a wide berth.
“How can we trust the General anymore? She’ll let us all die before we could even take one shot at her son. How could she protect such a villain?”
Ben clenched his jaw but continued to march. Soon the voices began to disperse, until there was only one of them left, the one that shared the room with him.
“How am I going to deal with him? His temper, it’s gonna destroy this base and everything we’ve fought for. Maybe bringing him here was a bad idea. I can’t put the life of my son over all these people. I just can’t.”
Ben threw his fist into the metal wall of his prison cell, easily leaving a dint. Without the aid of his padded gloves, he felt his knuckles crack.
“Ben please,” Leia sighed.
“Why did you bring me here? If you thought it was such a bad idea?” He asked sharply, leaning his forehead against the cold surface. He needed to calm down. The last thing he wanted to do was to lash out at his mother.
“I’m sorry,” Leia uttered. “I didn’t mean to think that…I didn’t realise you were, listening.”
“I wasn’t.” Ben replied. Or at least he wasn’t intentionally. A sudden sharp pain in his head had him reeling, dropping down to his knees. The room around him darkened and crumbled away.
The giant throne once again sat before him, looming across the shadowed expanse of the Finalizer. Ben slowly looked up at the towering holographic image of the Supreme Leader, fuzzing at the edges. Snoke’s ego was just as big as his image.
“How do you like my little gift, Ren?” Snoke sniggered, arching forward. “You think I would let you go so easily?”
“The voices,” Ben muttered, quickly catching on. They weren’t voices. They were thoughts. Ben was hearing everyone’s thoughts, all at once, without filter and without choice.
“You can’t put the past behind you, Kylo Ren. Soon you will see that. You will suffer, you will break, and you will return to me.” Snoke stated, resting his arms across his false seat.
“I will never return to you,” Ben sneered. He no longer wants to take part in the game Snoke was playing. As of this moment, he was on neither side of the war, the only place he could be.
“We shall see.”
The image faded into darkness, allowing the light of his mother to once again flow into view. Her worried voice was piercing his mind as she gently shook his shoulders.
“Mom?” He uttered, blinking her features into focus.
“Oh thank goodness, you spaced out there, I was worried,” she said. Ben allowed himself a moment of weakness, allowed himself to press his face against his mother’s shoulder, to breathe in the familiar scent of her perfume. Leia buried her fingers in his dark locks and pulled him close. She could feel it, the darkness still hovering over her son like a persistent stain. The presence of Snoke, whom was yet to relinquish his hold, would be a detriment to the Resistance. Ben couldn’t stay here. Not like this.
“I’m sorry…” Ben muttered. He knew this whole thing was going to be a bad idea, returning to the Light was going to be a whole lot harder than even he could have anticipated. This guilt trip he had already begun to experience only pulled him back towards the Darkness, where he could once again hide in the shadows. He had to fight this. To prove to himself that Ben Solo was still alive.
Another familiar presence alerted Ben as he pulled away from his mother, just to see the mechanism on the door unlocking itself. Han Solo’s face immediately fell as he saw his wife and son on the floor, below the evidence of a classic Ben Solo rage-fuelled outburst.
“What have I missed?”