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“So,” Yixing began as casually as possible, meaning it wasn’t casual at all, “have you decided what we’re going to do for New Year’s yet?”
Jongdae looked up from where he was lying on the couch and squinted. “Who said we were doing something together? I thought you were going to go off with your buddies and club while I stayed here and manned the apartment. Alone. Singular. Again. As always.”
Yixing winced. “Okay, I deserved that, but that was just one time! I didn’t even know you well enough to invite you out to Yifan’s that time, we literally moved in with each other the week before,” he protested indignantly. Plus, it wasn’t like Jongdae was the partying type anyway, especially when it came to Yifan's parties.
“Whatever, I don’t want to go to Yifan’s stupid parties anyway. His alcohol supply sucks for someone with so much money floating around.”
“Did he not try to set you up with Tao last time too? And then Zitao let it slip that he was your brother’s sugar baby, so you didn’t end up speaking to either of them for weeks.”
“...That’s beside the point.”
“Well, Yifan isn’t throwing a party this year anyway.” Yixing sighed. “Family problems or something, you know how it is.”
“So…”
“So.”
“Did you ask me about New Year's for a reason, or are you just trying to distract me from the very important thing I’m doing right now?”
Yixing peered at Jongdae’s phone. “You’re playing 2048,” he deadpanned. “In 2017. You do realize it’s going to be 2018 in a week.”
Jongdae gasped, clutching his phone to his chest. “2048 is eternal!”
Yixing rolled his eyes good-naturedly and made his way to the couch, sitting delicately on Jongdae’s outstretched legs. “I am asking you what we’re doing so you don’t complain for the third year in a row about how I left you alone on New Year’s. Will Chanyeol be throwing a party? I’m up for going to Chanyeol’s.”
Jongdae shook his head. “I've told you this, we can’t because he’s got family visiting. His place is a stakeout for the reporters until February at the very soonest.”
Yixing gaped. “Wow, I don’t envy him at all.”
“You were just saying last week that you wish he had his apartment, refrigerator, trust funds, lack of a roommate—”
“Okay, so maybe I want the perks of being a senator’s son without being a senator’s son!”
They glared at each other for a moment before Yixing relaxed and leaned back. “How about Baekhyun? I’m sure he gets invited to lots of parties, I could be his plus one.”
Jongdae spluttered loudly. “You want to be Baekhyun’s date? Wait, you think Baekhyun would want to be your date? Baekhyun would sooner kiss me for the countdown before he would kiss you—”
“You wish! Besides, I’ve kissed Baekhyun before,” Yixing dimpled, smugly. “I have the upper hand here.”
“Yixing, I’ve known Baekhyun since we were at least five. Even I’ve kissed Baekhyun before, probably more times than you have!”
“He’s still going to be my New Year’s date,” Yixing declared.
“My best friend is not going to be your New Year’s date.”
“He is!”
“He’s not!”
-
“What’s up, Jongdae?”
“Uh, hey Baekhyun, I was wondering… will you be my date for New—”
“No, you’re supposed to ask if he’ll be my date, give me that—”
[scuffling noises]
“Fuck you, stop kicking me I—”
(Transcript from an answered incoming call lasting eleven seconds on Baekhyun’s phone, 19:42, December 27, 2017.)
-
Yixing lay face down on the ground, half tempted to play dead. He rolled over onto his back and groaned when he felt the tension in his sides. “I dislike you very much,” he told the air. “Everything hurts and it’s your fault.”
“Baekhyun just texted me that he already has a New Year’s date.” Jongdae’s disembodied voice rang from the couch.
“Fuck you. Fuck him.”
“Oh my god, it’s Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo is taking him to some nice restaurant in Itaewon.”
“Fuck Kyungsoo too.”
“It’s not like you to use vulgar insults, Xing. Here.”
Yixing opened his eyes to see Jongdae’s hand reached out in his general direction. He grabbed it, meaning to hoist himself up, but on second thought, he pulled at the arm until Jongdae joined him in a heap on the floor. Much better.
“So.”
“Yeah, I can’t believe Soo actually manned up to ask Baekhyun. Hasn’t he been pining for months? A year?”
“No, not that.” Yixing grumbled, “I can’t believe we don’t have anything to do for New Year’s. When did we get so old?”
“You turned down everyone’s attempts at setting you up for blind dates,” Jongdae reminded him. “So that’s your fault, and besides, I didn’t want to go out anyway. Now I can marathon Star Wars again.”
Yixing ignored him. “When did I get so old?” he moaned. “What happened to clubbing and dancing and one-night stands and kisses with random people at midnight?”
He felt Jongdae prop his head against his arm next to him, studying his face. “That had nothing to do with age, Xing. You told me yourself that you only did all of that for the inspiration. That wasn’t you at all...” Jongdae trailed off.
“Well… you’re right. It wasn't me, and I don’t miss it, you know,” he admitted. “But I feel like this lifestyle—it's so tame—it doesn’t give me the spark I need to make interesting music. My better songs are the ones that I composed when I went out every other day. Drinking, sleeping with strangers.”
At that, he tried to avoid looking at Jongdae, who was one of those strangers once or twice, and more until they weren't strangers. It didn’t work. He glanced around quickly before settling his gaze back on Jongdae. “I just got too used to it, I guess.”
Jongdae’s motion to lie back down shifted his hair into his eyes, and Yixing fought the urge to brush the dark strands out of the way. “Yixing, you’re kind of stupid,” Jongdae offered, and Yixing is broken out of his reverie.
“I get that you think you’re losing inspiration because your life hasn’t been as exciting as it used to be, but you should see yourself now!” Jongdae began slowly. “You let me listen to that sexy ass song you wrote English lyrics for that you said was inspired by that subway performer,” and Yixing definitely doesn’t think about how the song that Jongdae praised was actually inspired by the man himself, “not to mention that gorgeous future bass number you composed after I told you about my friend’s movie?”
Jongdae pursed his lips. “I don’t think you need excitement to write a catchy song. Yeah, it might help, but I think your songs are so much more meaningful now. You’ve branched out. Even if you don’t find inspiration as often now, I think you’re finding inspiration in more things, and that's even better.”
“... I can’t believe you got all that just from three years of living with me,” Yixing said, faintly. Maybe he really was kind of stupid, he thought. He probably couldn’t analyze Jongdae the same way even though he was fairly certain he was in lo—
Jongdae rapped Yixing across his forehead. “Stupid. Sometimes you should just stop overcomplicating things and let me think for you. Now let me plan what we’re going to do on New Year’s Eve so you don’t hurt your pretty little brain any more than it already does.
-
“So why are we skipping The Phantom Menace entirely?”
Yixing ducked to avoid the popcorn kernel Jongdae launched in his direction. “Do you ever listen to what I tell you?” Jongdae demanded from where he was kneeling in front of the PlayStation. “Episode one is basically irrelevant for Star Wars newbies like you. We’re watching in machete order, so we just found out that Darth Vader is Luke’s dad, right? Now we’re about to learn the background story behind Vader and the Empire’s rise to power with the last two movies of the prequel series. If you shut up, we can probably get to the last original movie by midnight, then start the sequel movie.”
Yixing smiled fondly at Jongdae as he walked back to the couch. They had been watching Star Wars for four hours already, and even though Yixing was nervous for the night, he was actually really engrossed in watching the films. “Nerd. But what if I want to watch episode one with you?” he questioned cheekily.
“Um, then we can watch it when The Last Jedi comes out on Blu-Ray,” Jongdae grumbled, face flushed. “And yes, I am going to make you sit through all eight movies since you didn’t go watch this new one in theatres with me. Hell, I’ll make you watch Rogue One too, that one’s depressing as shit, but it’s great. And I think you’ll like its soundtrack.”
“If I had gone to watch the new one with you, I wouldn’t have any idea on what it was about,” Yixing pointed out. “Star Wars noob, remember?” Although he really hadn’t been opposed to sitting in a dark movie theatre watching a movie he had no context of for two hours. As long as he was with Jongdae.
“Shut up, Xing. The movie’s about to start, and I want to make fun of Anakin’s thumb-looking ass.”
-
“... Vader’s life has been so fucked up so far, Jongdae, I don’t even know where to start—”
“Oh my god, you get me! Anakin is, like, the epitome of tragedy. I didn’t even tell you, but the reason he was so emotional about his mom was that she was left behind in slavery when he got to walk free. He was a nine-year-old slave, and the Jedi Council didn’t even want him to train to become a Jedi because he ‘was too old.’ And for him to be a Jedi was the only reason his mom let him go!”
“Being a Jedi seems cool and all, but are they not slaves too? I get they’re the keepers of peace, but the universe is never going to be in peace. They’re always fighting for something they’ll never get! Anakin was a slave in the beginning, then he was enslaved to Republic ideals, and now he’s that Sith lord’s puppet!”
“Jedi ethics really are something else, Xing. Remember how senile Yoda was in episode five? I swear it’s because he never loved.”
Yixing’s face twisted. “But it was Anakin’s love for everything that made him act like that, right? His love for his mom, his love for Padme…”
Jongdae threw his last kernel at Yixing. “Are you dense? Are you saying that love ruins things? Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.” He pushed their blanket to the ground and slid off the couch.
“Wait, don’t go!” Yixing panicked. “Oh wait, you’re just making more popcorn. But, wait, is that not true? Love doesn’t last, and it leads to feelings like hostility, jealousy, stuff like that. Maybe the Jedi were right in living a life of immateriality, being—I don’t know—reserved in everything they do.” Life would definitely be easier for him if he didn't have any feelings, he was sure of it.
“Yixing, you can’t tell me you think having no emotions would solve problems.” Jongdae’s voice rose above the sound of the microwave beep. “You’re a musician, do you think you could make music, live life or whatever, without feeling anything? Besides, you haven’t even watched the last movie yet, you have no idea what love can do in the Star Wars universe.”
“Oh, great,” Yixing said when Jongdae was back in sight. “You’re telling me I just sat through another movie—a whole four movies!—just for love to save the day? Like a chick flick?” It was almost like the universe was conspiring against him as it continued to force Yixing to think about deep, meaningful things with the one person he couldn’t be completely honest with.
Jongdae placed the popcorn bags between them. “Do you think this dramatic familial space feud is just going to wrap itself up with a ‘love saves everyone’s lives’ slogan? I mean, it kind of does, but that’s beside the point, it’s not that simple. Anyway, are you ready to start?”
“Wait!” Yixing ran to the bathroom. “Don’t put it in yet,” he yelled.
“You could have done this when I was doing the popcorn, you know,” Jongdae hollered back. “Oh wait, fuck, Xing, get out here now! It’s almost midnight. You don’t want to be caught pissing into the new year!”
Yixing cursed and washed his hands quickly. He left the bathroom and saw Jongdae standing by the open window that faced the river. “The old men are going to sync the fireworks to the countdown, you’ve missed this every single year!” Jongdae said, reanimated and beautiful. He checked his phone. “We have less than a minute! Anything you want to say to end 2017 on a good note?”
Wow, and there was an invite if Yixing had ever seen one. He braced himself, trying to play his nerves off as excitement. “Um, well actually, what you said earlier, Jongdae, I think—no, I know—you’re right. I could never get through my days without feeling happy or sad. My muse lets me find inspiration in everything that I do, everything that I feel. My muse makes me feel frustration, shame, and, uh, love. And you’re my muse.”
As the fireworks marked the last twenty seconds of 2017, Yixing rushed his words as fast as he could. “And, uh, I’m happy that you’ve been my roommate and friend for the past three years, but I, uh. If I was reading this,” and here, he gestured between them while closing the gap, “correctly, I think we both want to be more. More than roommates.”
Jongdae’s eyes shone brightly with the reflection of the fireworks forming and disappearing in his irises, and Yixing thought he had never known someone who felt so much like home before. “Stupid,” Jongdae said, warmly, and Yixing can barely hear him over the combined volume of his blood pulsing in his ears and everyone in the streets counting down. Let’s be more than roommates, Yixing felt him say more than heard before he was pulled down for a kiss that drowned out the last of the fireworks and yells of “Happy New Year!”
Yixing was more than dazed when they parted for a breath, and captured Jongdae’s lips for a chaste kiss. “It’s 2018.”
“It’s 2018, and you’ve got yourself a boyfriend after having an existential crisis over being tame. You really are getting old,” Jongdae said fondly. He started dragging Yixing back to the couch. “Anyway, we’ve already kissed, we’ve already slept with each other, but we haven’t finished our Star Wars marathon.”
Yixing let Jongdae cuddle up to him before placing the blanket over the both of them. “We haven't slept together as boyfriends yet."
"We have all year for that," Jongdae shoots back. "All year."
"... Just so you know, I don’t need to watch this movie to know how powerful love actually is.”
“Be glad I already threw all our kernels at you.”
“Jongdae, I’d go Vader for you.”
“... I really appreciate the sentiment, but it’s beyond me how you can say something so right and so wrong at the same time.”