Chapter Text
He woke up feeling like he'd been hit by a truck. He’d been drinking the night before so there was a real possibility of walking through traffic. His head was killing him.
Shizuo groggily shifted his hand which belated he realized held a half-eaten slice of pizza. Good. He had breakfast solved. He took a bite of cold pizza and then more when he deemed it edible.
The room was dark with heavy curtains that shielded the sunlight. Shizuo sat up to get a better look at his surroundings. It wasn't his room. It was as minimalistic as a hotel room, and Shizuo cursed, thinking he’d have to pay for it. Yeah, what a great way to start the year. When the blanket moved, it uncovered his completely naked body. Well, almost completely naked. He was wearing his bow tie that was loose around his neck. But his clothes were nowhere in sight.
Shizuo groaned, “the fuck did I do last night?”
He couldn't remember a single thing. He must have drank a lot. The last thing he could remember was saying goodbye to Shinra and Celty after their New Years party. How did he end up like this? He felt sticky. He scratched at an itch at his balls and cursed. Damn wet dream.
His muddled brain tried to fish for answers. He took a deep breath and grimaced. Whatever this was, it reeked of Izaya.
Shizuo chewed on the pizza as he maneuvered his way in the dark, unfamiliar room. The flea must have done something to him. Or he’d done something in his anger while chasing him. He couldn't remember.
He walked down the hall and still there wasn't a single garment of his clothes. Strangely he found a staircase, and Shizuo gracelessly walked down naked, pizza in hand.
It was still dark here without any lights on and the curtains drawn, but Shizuo noticed that the place was trashed. Most of the furniture was in some way broken. That was probably his doing. Shit, he may have to pay for it. The huge flat screen TV on the wall was cracked. The bookcases were down on the floor. A desk had been broken in half right down the middle. There was something out of place on the wall. The only thing upright was the long couch that—
Shizuo had been close to flopping down on the couch, but stopped, and the momentum almost had him stumbling forward.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
On the couch was Izaya face down. He was also completely naked. Well, almost completely. He did have one black sock on.
Was he dead? Fuck, what happened last night? Why were they naked?
“Oi” Shizuo growled and roughly kicked the couch so it screeched against the wooden floors.
Izaya pushed up with his arms and then collapsed back, covering his head and groaned. He looked from the corner of his eye at Shizuo and then nearly yanked himself up. “What the? Why are you naked?”
“Why are you naked?” Shizuo said accusingly as he yanked a cushion that was under Izaya’s feet to cover himself.
“Shut up, you’re so loud,” Izaya said. But he also must have processed those words because he looked down at himself in apparent shock and confusion. “What are you doing naked in my apartment?”
Izaya’s apartment? At least he didn't have to pay for damages then. Wait, that wasn't the important thing. “What are you saying? This isn't my doing? What did you do to me?”
Izaya’s expression went impossibly horrified at what he stared at. Shizuo looked down at the couch cushion he held. Sticking to the leather surface was a used condom. Shizuo dropped the cushion to the floor, but then he recalled the dried stickiness covering him there and—no. That wasn't possible. No fucking way. Not in a million, billion years did that happen. No, of course they wouldn't have—have sex.
But the evidence was pointing to something that didn't add up, and his brain, it would seem, was conveniently stuck in the previous year. “What did you do to me! What the fuck did you do to me!?” Shizuo’s voice grew. He took a step closer, about to throw the couch Izaya was on into the wall, when Izaya jumped over the back of the couch, or at least tried to because he ended up taking a step and falling in a heap on the other side. Shizuo would have followed him and beat him, but that meant touching him and Shizuo didn't want to be anywhere near a naked ass flea.
Shizuo paced, looking in vain for his clothes so that he could get the fuck out of here, but the more he looked the angrier he became. All across the room was evidence that he didn't want to think about—mystery substances, suspicious looking indents, shit was that a goddamn condom embedded in the wall? Yes, yes it was.
Shizuo’s head was near bursting. His hangover was making it impossible to think clearly. He knocked over the coffee table, desperate to find anything of his own clothes.
“Izaya,” he stressed the syllables, “I'm going to kill you. I'm going to murder you senseless!” Izaya still hadn't moved from where he had fallen. “You're going to be dead if you don't start explaining right now.”
It was hard just looking at him, not just because he was naked, because yeah that was one thing he didn't need to see, but because there were strange marks on his neck and skin that Shizuo didn't want any part of.
“So you going to start talking?”
Izaya groaned and put a hand over his face. “You’re so loud.” He turned on his side and Shizuo wasn't staring or anything, but the flea wasn't all that bad looking when he was in pain. “Use your brain for once in your life. Obviously this is a prank.”
“A prank?”
“Yes,” Izaya seethed. “Shinra.”
Shinra? What did Shinra...oh. The bottle of sweet alcohol. “The New Years gift.”
“You got one too. The champagne?”
“Yeah...he drugged us?”
“Ah, so you do have a brain after all.”
Shizuo tsked, but at least he wasn't so angry now that he knew it was a prank. “And how do I know you aren't in on this either?”
“Did you see the state of my apartment?” Izaya pointed around.
Yeah, there was that. “Shinra is going to pay, once I find my clothes, he’s dead.”
“Would you stop yelling? I can barely hear myself think,” Izaya muttered. He sat up, wincing as he moved.
Shizuo was once again made aware that they were both very much naked. “So, uh, any clue where my clothes are...or got something I could wear?”
Izaya didn't look up as he pointed. “There’s a bathroom on the left with a bathrobe and a towel.”
Shizuo turned and opened a few doors before he found a large bathroom. It was sickening that there was another used condom on the ledge. Hanging on the door was a bathrobe which he put on. It was incredibly soft, like what he imagined a sheep to feel like. There were folded towels on a shelf and he pulled one free.
He threw that towel at Izaya who had moved back to sitting on the couch. “The bathrobe was meant for me.”
“Tough.”
Izaya wrapped the towel around his hips. He was holding a phone now and dialing a number. “Let's get to the bottom of this so you can leave already.”
“As if I want to stay a second longer.”
“Then leave.”
“I need my clothes.”
Izaya glared daggers. The phone clicked. “Shinra. Care to explain?”
Izaya had him on speaker phone. “Ah, Izaya. Happy New Year. Did you enjoy the surprise? It was only a joke. You know how I worry about you.”
Yeah, as if. “Cut the crap. Where did you put my clothes?” Shizuo snapped.
“Shizuo-kun, you’re still there? And what do you mean where are your clothes? I didn't touch them.” His bright voice carried through and he didn't sound at all remorseful. Fucking Shinra.
“How about starting from the beginning. What was in those bottles.” Izaya was massaging his temples as he spoke.
“Only sleeping aids. But don't worry, I took into account that mixing alcohol and sleeping pills is dangerous. I made sure it wouldn't kill either of you.” Shinra laughed.
Izaya rolled his eyes and said, “how thoughtful of you.”
“Then I brought Shizuo over and laid him on the couch next to you.”
“Why would you ever think that was a good idea?”
“Well, I thought maybe if you two thought you had sex with each other then maybe you could get along better. Make a new start for the new year by seeing each other in a different light.”
“Shinra, you’re an idiot,” Shizuo interrupted.
Shinra laughed. "It was worth a shot."
“And what about my apartment, who's going to clean up this mess.”
“I didn't do that. Shizuo must have woken up during the night. I only put the lube and pack of condoms on the coffee table. The used condom was never used either. It was only some corn starch, egg white, yogurt, and water. Pretty realistic, right? I bet it gave you a fright.”
“Yeah, I'll be sure to return these used condoms in your apartment so Celty thinks you’re cheating on her.”
“Ah, how mean! And Celty would never believe I cheated on her. And what do you mean condoms? I only put one condom out.”
“Hah hah, Shinra. You’re not fooling anyone. They are practically everywhere. I already see three out here.”
“There's one in the bathroom too.” Shizuo added.
“Huh? I just did one...”
“Shinra, you’re a terrible liar and an even worse friend,” Izaya said sharply.
“But really, I only—”
Izaya hung up on him and tossed his phone on the couch. “See, there you have it. It was only a prank. Now get lost. I can't stand looking at you for another second.”
“Yeah, the feeling’s mutual,” Shizuo grumbled.
Shizuo went to search for his clothes. He checked the kitchen where there was a box of pizza. It looked like someone had thrown pizza around the place because there was tomato paste and cheese on the walls. He found his shirt and vest in the refrigerator and his pants hanging from the ceiling light. Izaya’s shirt and pants were wet and in the sink, his coat had been thrown in the trash. It took a bit of time before he found his boxers stuffed in mug. The only things missing were his socks, but he figured he didn't really need them. He changed and grabbed a slice of pizza because he was ravenously hungry.
Thankfully he didn't have to say anything to Izaya since he was already in the shower when Shizuo stepped out. Good, he didn't want to see him either.
He still felt weird about the whole situation. Even though he wanted to believe it was all a prank, something was telling him otherwise. Well whatever, he’d just kill the flea the next time he saw him.
He scarfed down the rest of the pizza in the elevator. When he stepped out into the cold he realized he'd forgotten his coat, but Shizuo would rather bear the cold than go back up in that mess. He decided to jog back home.