Archive of Our Own

There were two things Kylo first noticed about Hux.

The first was that he never, not even once, referred to him as Ben, like the other kids and most of his teachers did. It wasn’t as if it was a secret; everyone knew his preferred name, they just didn’t care enough to use it. Hux, though, apparently did, and it was enough of an anomaly that Kylo didn’t feel entirely selfish for that being the first thing he noticed.

The second, however, was just how small Hux was. He was not short, nearly as tall as Kylo, so well above average, but he was nearly paper-thin, so fragile and breakable-looking. His bones stuck out all over, joints knobbly and childlike. It was a miracle no one had actually ever broken anything on him.

Then again, no one would have ever physically touched him after he’d broken the wrist of the last kid who’d grabbed him. No one had expected a skinny nerd to be able to do that and Kylo had always wondered just how he’d managed to pull it off. Regardless, it was an effective way to keep the bullies away; Kylo’s own deterrent had involved tossing one of those long benches from the sides of the gym at those antagonizing him. They’d left him alone after that.

Kylo didn’t remember precisely when he’d met Hux, sometime early in eleventh grade, but once he had, time spent together quickly became the norm; it felt like Hux had always been there. They were both outcasts, lone wolves if they were feeling particularly edgy, so they’d made their own pack. Together, they made a less desirable target for the bullies. In the battleground that was high school, there were advantages to numbers, and by the time twelfth grade rolled around, they were left pretty much entirely alone.

It wasn’t long before strategic grouping turned to legitimate friendship. Kylo had lost count of how many lunch hours he’d spent outside eating whatever he’d slapped together that morning while Hux chain smoked until he wobbled a bit on the walk back, vehemently denying that he was dizzy. Kylo would just shake his head with a small smile – he always stuck to two smokes, just enough to make his head just this side of fuzzy.

They had a lot in common, it turned out; enough to spend hours just talking, when afforded the chance. They were friends, the kind neither of them had ever had much experience with. And maybe neither of them really knew what they were doing, with how quickly the conversations sometimes turned to bickering, but it worked, and they both enjoyed the arguments. Most importantly, though, they had an understanding and knew what was off limits.

For instance, Kylo never asked where Hux’s lunch was when he popped a peppermint into his mouth before lighting the first smoke of the hour. In return, Hux never asked if the red stain on Kylo’s clothes was blood.

They both knew the answers to those questions and the explanations behind a dozen other warning signs in each other, but it was the unspoken rule that they didn’t talk about it. They were probably making each other worse – enabling, the people in those shows about addiction would call it – but it was better than suffering alone. A truly good friend would have told the school nurse that Hux was starving himself to death on purpose. Then again, a truly good friend would have also told the nurse to make Kylo strip to see all the red, bloody lines he’d carved into his skin that day and the scabs and scars from every day before it. Neither of them ever did. Maybe it wasn’t a ‘good’ friendship, but it was a safe and trusting one. That was all Kylo had ever wanted.

It was early February when Kylo was running a few minutes late and found Hux sitting outside at lunch in their usual spot, ignoring the winter chill, lit cigarette in a shivering hand, and staring at a small stack of papers. His face was frozen in something between disgust and horror, though it was subdued, as Hux’s emotions always were. Kylo could read him by now, though.

Hux looked up as Kylo approached, expression clearing into the smallest of smiles, one Kylo knew was reserved only for him. It made his heart do something funny that he didn’t want to think about, so he just sat down next to Hux on the bench that had been cleared of snow, swallowing a wince when the motion pulled at the skin of his thighs. He knew instantly he’d probably reopened some of the morning’s damage; doing it on his thighs was easier to hide, but they moved more than his arms did.

“What’s that?” Kylo asked, both out of curiosity and to distract himself, lighting a smoke of his own.

“University applications,” Hux said, unable to hide his sneer. “My father is insisting I major in business.”

Kylo hummed noncommittally and took another puff; Hux would probably be a shark in any boardroom. “You don’t want to?”

Hux scoffed. “I’d be bored to tears.”

“You’d be good at it. Some ruthless corporate suit,” Kylo countered.

Hux scoffed again, louder. “That doesn’t mean I want to.”

“Then don’t. It’s not like he’d know until you were already in, anyways.” Kylo exhaled his next lungful of smoke slowly, watching it dance through the air, a strangely calming display.

Hux sighed, putting his elbows on his knees and wilting a bit. “You say that like it’s something I could actually do. Have you applied yet?”

It was Kylo’s turn to make a noise of derision. “I didn’t have a choice. My mom works enough that I don’t even see her some days, yet she made sure she had enough time off to hound me until I did it. Not that I’ll get in.” Or that it would matter if he did; there was no way he’d still be alive in four years.

Hux didn’t say anything, just sucked on his waning smoke, dropping it to the ground and stamping it out once he reached filter. He lit another one immediately, hands shaking violently from the cold, as Kylo put his own out and dug out his lunch. Kylo had been making his own lunches since eighth grade when his mom had gotten into politics and started working ten or more hours a day. His dad was around even less, somehow, and couldn’t even handle making a damn sandwich, so Kylo hadn’t had a choice. What he made was always plain, hasty, but tolerable, and he could pack as much sugar as he wanted with no one to tell him not to.

Kylo pretended he didn’t see Hux stare at his food, an internal war going on in his head which was finally settled with him eating one of his usual peppermints instead. Kylo ignored the way something inside him twisted and bit into his sandwich. They stayed silent for a while longer, the only noise Hux’s heavy exhales and the crinkling wrappers of Kylo’s food.

“You could get into any program at any school,” Kylo said around a mouthful of cookies, watching Hux’s nose crinkle in disgust. “Your grades are fucking perfect.”

Hux snorted. “I know that. It doesn’t matter. Is there any chance of you getting in anywhere? When was the last time you actually did homework?”

Kylo shot him a glare. “It’s not like I’m failing. I don’t really care if I get in anyway.”

Hux stared at him for a moment, the intensity of his eyes making Kylo want to squirm, but he managed to resist. He wanted it to stop, but before he could muster up an appropriately effective demand, he was saved by the cherry of Hux’s over-smoked cigarette falling to the ground. Hux looked at it burning sadly in the snow and cursed, dropped the butt, and then lit another with shaking hands.

They stopped discussing it then, instead falling into simpler topics. Kylo told Hux that the social studies teacher had worn a green turtleneck that day, his bald head making the garment look a lot more literal. Hux chuckled and followed with his own story about something stupid one of the other kids had said in math class earlier that day. It was so easy to get lost in talking to Hux, especially when they could insult the people who had once made their lives hell in the safety of their solitude.

Kylo checked his phone and swore – he barely had enough time to have another smoke before lunch was over. He technically had a free period next, while Hux had his AP physics class, but his free period had been commandeered by the school counsellor over a year ago. It was a waste of time, but fuck if he had a choice in the matter.

Hux finished his last smoke while Kylo hurriedly sucked his down, coughing harshly when he finally put it out. They rose together and Kylo’s hand automatically shot out to gently press against Hux’s lower back, steadying him as he swayed on his feet. Hux had snapped at him the first time – and many, many other times – he’d done it, but at some point he’d stopped and just let Kylo help keep him from stumbling. When Hux had gotten his feet under him, Kylo let go and drank in the hint of gratitude on Hux’s face. They parted ways once they were in the building, Hux off to class while Kylo dragged his feet towards the counsellor’s office.

The session was as useless as usual. Kylo had tried being honest with her at one point, but all she’d given him was platitudes and suggestions that made no sense, so he’d stopped trying and just started saying whatever he thought she wanted to hear and would let him be free of this sooner. So far, his plan hadn’t worked, though she did seem to believe his lies, but the sessions always made him itchy and restless in that particular way he’d never told her about. When it was almost time for the period to end, he asked to be excused early so he could go to the bathroom before class. She agreed without a second thought.

If nothing else, at least forced therapy had taught him how to lie. He did indeed go to the bathroom, just not for the reason she thought. He left feeling lighter and better in that magical way he always did, not even caring that every step towards his next class had him gritting his teeth from the pain.

Kylo came home on Friday night, planning just to drop off his school stuff and grab what he needed to sleep over at Hux’s. Hux’s father was out of town, so he was home alone for a few nights, and Kylo’s parents weren’t around enough to notice if he was gone. Not that he really would’ve cared if they did, but it made things easier.

His plans were waylaid, however, when he found his dad sitting on the couch watching TV. It was an unusual enough sight that he stopped right inside the door, staring. Kylo had thought his dad was still on his latest flight.

“Hey kid,” he said, carefully, with forced casualness.

“Hey…” Kylo answered slowly. “I was just stopping in before going to Hux’s.”

A flicker of disappointment in eyes wrinkled at the edges. Kylo almost felt bad enough to change his mind, but one thought of Hux cleared it. He’d much rather spend time with his friend than suffer through his dad’s semi-monthly attempt at ‘bonding’.

His dad was standing then, too quickly; eager. “I can drive you, if you want.”

Kylo agreed, then ran up the stairs to grab what he needed and hurried back down. He didn’t want to linger with his dad any longer than he had to. They got into the car and started driving towards Hux’s without incident.

“You should bring Hux over to our place one day,” his dad said out of nowhere.

Kylo made a face; there were a lot of reasons he hadn’t, not all of them his own. “His dad never lets him go out. I can only come over when he’s out of town.”

He got a grunt in response, and then the car was blessedly quiet. Kylo was asked if he needed more smokes – a concession that had been made after they’d caught each other both hiding it from his mom – and he said yes. He still didn’t know how Hux managed to get his before turning eighteen. After the quick stop, it wasn’t long before they were pulling up to Hux’s house, far too large and fancy for Kylo’s taste.

They stopped and Kylo already had his hand on the door handle when his dad cleared his throat. Kylo rolled his eyes and then looked back over at him.

“Look, kid,” Kylo grimaced at the tone – this was going to be awkward, “I know I’m not around much, but I want you to know you can always talk to me. I’m not your mother.”

His dad smiled crookedly and Kylo forced out a smile of his own, just wanting to be out of the car and away. Kylo surreptitiously dug a thumbnail into his hand, using the pain to push down his urge to run.

“What I’m trying to say is…” His dad cut off, the silence dragging and Kylo wanting nothing more than to scream. “It’s obvious you like this Hux kid, even though you don’t seem to want us to meet him. If… if he’s your boyfriend or something, you know we’re okay with that, right?”

Kylo froze, staring wide-eyed. They weren’t… Hux didn’t… Kylo may have thought about it, thought about it a lot if he was being honest, but he never… It was too much of a risk to ask.

“You don’t have to say anything just… Just know you can talk to me, okay?”

Kylo couldn’t stand the pleading look in his dad’s eyes, so he just mumbled out an ‘okay’ and then made his escape before anything else horrible and uncomfortable could happen. He stopped at Hux’s doorway, taking a deep breath to steady himself before ringing the ornate doorbell.

Hux was there moments later, bringing Kylo inside. The size of the house always threw him off – it was huge, yet it felt so empty, like no one actually lived in it. Spotless hallways, a sterile, modern kitchen that looked like it had never been used, endless tastefully decorated yet functionally empty rooms. Even the basement living room, where Hux and Kylo always holed up, looked deserted. The sleek, stylish ice blue couch was stiff, not having been sat on enough to relax and become comfortable. Kylo flopped onto it anyways, glancing at the treadmill in the corner with its worn track, the only thing in the room that looked used.

Kylo stretched out and then adjusted to make room for Hux to sit down too. Kylo reached to grab the remote for the obscenely large TV, flipping through the premium movie channels he didn’t have at home, pausing at some and then changing the channel when Hux made a noise. He finally found one Hux didn’t veto, and they settled on that. It didn’t really matter what they watched – it was mostly background noise anyways.

“How long is your dad gone for?” Kylo asked, mostly just for something to say.

Hux sighed. “He gets back Sunday night, unfortunately.”

Kylo made a noise of acknowledgement, wriggling a little on the couch in the hopes of deepening the divot made by his body.

“I… finished my applications,” Hux said suddenly, sounding uncharacteristically unsure.

“Yeah?” Kylo sat up a little. “What did you apply for?”

“I…” Hux trailed off again, making Kylo all the more alert; he wasn’t usually like this. “You know my father wanted me to apply for business and, ideally, to move across the country for it.”

Kylo’s heart clenched at that in a way he didn’t like at all. As much as he didn’t see much of a future for himself, he couldn’t imagine one at all without Hux in it. He also kind of… wanted Hux to feel the same way. To not want to be without him.

“And?” Kylo’s voice was more strained than he expected.

“I did…” Hux said slowly, and Kylo’s heart sank, “but I also applied in town. For engineering. He has no idea.”

The sinking feeling left immediately, replaced with a relative of hope. “Engineering?”

“It’d be much more interesting than business,” Hux said, feigning nonchalance, but fiddling with his fingers. “And then I could stay here.”

Kylo couldn’t help but smile. “That’s a great idea, Hux.”

Hux looked relieved at his response. “I hope so. We… we’ll see what comes of it.”

They talked about university for a little while longer, about Kylo’s application to history, the only subject he remotely cared about even if Hux teased that he’d never get a job with it. With Hux, Kylo could almost believe it was really happening. It wasn’t as if he had any immediate plans to the contrary, but thinking about the future always felt strange. Something in him just didn’t believe he’d ever make it that far.

When they lost interest in the subject, Kylo flipped through the channels again restlessly until he found a shitty horror movie for them to make fun of. He then called to order a pizza – a large, like they always got, even though he couldn’t finish it and Hux never ate any – and they laughed over the cheesy effects and nonsensical plots both until and after the food arrived. Hux sucked on a peppermint while Kylo gorged himself on over half the pizza, both mocking the terrible decisions of the characters in the movie.

At some point during the evening, Kylo ended up with his head in Hux’s lap. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, given how fucking bony Hux was, but he liked the closeness, and Hux’s oversized sweater was soft against his face when he got bored of watching TV and turned over. Before long, Kylo found it hard to keep his eyes open, thinking there’d be no harm in just closing them for a little bit…

Kylo awoke later to realize he was alone, Hux having switched himself with a scratchy throw pillow at some point. He looked around blearily, trying to figure out where Hux had gone and what time it was. He wasn’t left to wonder long, though, because Hux was coming down the stairs just a moment later.

“Sorry,” he said, voice hushed and a little scratchy as if he’d just woken up as well, or maybe he was catching a cold. “I was in the bathroom.”

Kylo made a noise of acknowledgement and then Hux was climbing back onto the couch. It looked like he intended to resume his position as a pillow, but Kylo stopped him, nudging to arrange him lengthwise instead, back flush with Kylo’s chest. Hux didn’t protest, allowing himself to be wrapped up in Kylo’s arms. Hux was always so cold, his little bird bones shaking a little even under his warm sweater. Inhibitions lowered by sleepiness, Kylo nosed into Hux’s hair and got comfortable, nostrils picking up the sterile mint of mouthwash.

The position was perfect and Kylo fell back asleep too quickly to notice that the rest of the pizza had disappeared at some point, leaving only an empty box.

Kylo’s head spun when he sat up in his bed and he wondered if this is what Hux felt like all the time. He’d done a lot of damage, more than he usually did, enough to leave him feeling a little woozy. It had been a couple of weeks since his sleepover at Hux’s, and his mother had actually been home for dinner for once. Of course, they’d had an argument, bad enough that Kylo had just wanted to run off and break something, barely able to control himself long enough to get to the privacy of his room. He glanced at the sloppily-patched hole in the wall, the one he’d made with his fist and gotten in trouble for before he figured out that he could just hurt himself instead. No one knew, so no one could yell at him for it, and his body healed on its own whereas the wall did not.

Still, it wasn’t enough. He was still unsettled, having stayed in his room in the hopes of spending the remainder of his Saturday night alone rather than fighting. He knew he couldn’t do more right now, no matter how badly he wanted to; the amount of gauze and band-aids already covering his skin said enough. He debated for a few minutes before digging under his mattress for the bottle of painkillers he hid there. His parents had thrown an entire bottle out after his dad had recovered from surgery, but Kylo had dug them out. A ‘just in case’, he’d figured, though he was steadily using up his very limited supply.

He poured out a bunch, more than double the medicinal dose, and swallowed them down using a bottle of flat pop he had lying around. This… was not a good idea, he knew that, but it was either that or escalate further, and he couldn’t afford to get caught because he needed stitches or something. As it was, he’d be washing his sheets himself again. He’d gotten really good at getting blood out of fabric.

It’d be about a half hour before they took effect, so Kylo threw in a CD and laid back down, trying desperately not to think. Thinking was the problem – thinking and feeling. If he could just shut his fucking brain up for once, could just not experience every emotion he’d ever had as some overwhelming tsunami trying its best to drown him, he wouldn’t be like this.

Kylo just laid there, waiting for the pills to kick in and when they finally did, oh, that was just so much better. It felt like his brain was full of the softest cotton, his thoughts sluggish and blurred at the edges. He was more than calm now. There was a dulled spike of fear as Kylo realized he’d definitely taken more than he should have, but it was muddled enough that he didn’t do anything about it.

He let himself float for an indeterminate amount of time before his phone started buzzing. Kylo cursed, the word thick in his mouth, as he tried to dig it out of the covers on his bed. His body was slow, unwilling to obey him, but he managed to find it before it stopped ringing. When Kylo saw the call was from Hux, he answered as quickly as his clumsy fingers would let him. Hux never called without it being something they planned.

“Hey,” he said, pronouncing it carefully to keep from slurring; shit, he really was fucked up.

“Hello Kylo,” Hux said, clipped as always. “Are you still okay to listen to my paper?”

Kylo breathed a sigh of relief. After the fight with his mom and then everything else he’d done, he’d forgotten that Hux had wanted to read his paper to him. Kylo didn’t know why Hux liked to read his papers out loud – he never wanted any feedback, just a captive audience to practice on and he always snapped at Kylo whenever he did try to give suggestions – but Kylo was more than happy to listen. He liked helping Hux and he liked listening to Hux talk.

“Yeah, of course,” he said, mentally cursing himself when it came out a bit muddled. “Go nuts.”

There was a pause and Kylo was worried that Hux would figure out what he’d done, but then it passed. “Okay. It’s for English. Did you have to read Jane Eyre? It’s fucking awful. They won’t let me say that, though, so instead I have to talk about social classes in England. Do try to stay awake.”

Kylo normally would’ve smiled at the joke, but staying awake was a legitimate concern for reasons completely unrelated to the topic. He moved back on his bed, propping himself up against the wall as uncomfortably as he could while Hux read out his introduction. It was a good thing Kylo wasn’t really expected to participate because he doubted he was going to retain any of this. His head was spinning and it had officially stopped being fun.

The sharpness of Hux’s voice was still soothing to Kylo, though, so he concentrated on that. It helped abate the growing fear that was battling with the floatiness inside his head. If he passed out, he couldn’t listen to Hux anymore. He didn’t let himself think about what else passing out might mean, just focused on Hux’s voice and his words and how he could hear the disdain in every sentence he spoke. Kylo actually did smile at that; Hux must’ve fucking hated this book.

By the time Hux had finished, rounding off with a strongly supported conclusion that even Kylo had to agree with despite the fact that he’d only ever read the Sparknotes version of the book, Kylo was pretty sure he wasn’t going to die. The drugs were still in effect and he still felt wrong, but it was almost manageable now. He glanced at his alarm clock and figured it’d been a little over two hours since he’d taken them, so he was about halfway there now. If nothing bad had happened yet, he should be okay.

Thank fuck for that, he thought. Accidentally killing himself while on the phone with Hux would’ve been unforgivable. Hux didn’t deserve that.

“Kylo?” Hux asked and Kylo realized he’d finished and was now waiting for Kylo to say something.

“Sorry.” His voice was still off, but hopefully the phone would cover that. “It’s really good, Hux. It sounds like you actually read the book.”

Hux huffed a laugh but then there was another uncomfortable pause. Shit, did he know Kylo wasn’t in the best shape right now?

“Kylo, are you…” Hux trailed off, sounding more emotional than Kylo had ever heard him before, but his brain was still too muddled to determine what the emotion was. “I’m going to see you on Monday, right?”

Kylo mouthed a ‘fuck’. Hux did know something was off and now he was worried. Kylo hadn’t wanted that.

“Of course,” he said, sitting up and speaking with effort to make it as clear as possible. “I’ll be there, I promise.”

He heard Hux exhale in what might’ve been a sigh and Kylo relaxed a little. Hux had enough to worry about without knowing Kylo had fucked himself up more than he meant to.

“Okay,” Hux said, “I have a few more edits to make, so I’ll see you then.”

Kylo smiled again. “Talk to you later, Hux.”

Once he’d hung up the phone, Kylo made sure to stay awake until the pills wore off. He was still wobbly and he realized he’d been drooling on himself a little, but he managed. He also snuck down to the kitchen to drink a few glasses of water while his mother slept, figuring it might help flush his system before he went to sleep.

Come Sunday morning, Kylo felt like shit. He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised; even when he took less, he was often queasy the next day. When he woke up, his mouth felt like a desert and he wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t going to puke. He didn’t, surprisingly, but the overall feeling of shittiness didn’t leave almost until he had to go to bed that night. Never again, he vowed. At least not that many pills.

By the time Monday came, Kylo felt pretty much fully okay. He was strangely anxious about seeing Hux, though. Did Hux know what he’d done? Or just that he’d seemed off? Most importantly, had Hux spent all of Sunday worrying but not texting because he didn’t want to admit he was worried? Or had he believed Kylo and forgotten all about it?

When he did meet up with Hux at lunch, the slight signs of anxiety on his face answered the questions for him. Even if it hadn’t, the greeting he got would’ve instantly. As it turned out, Hux tasted exactly like Kylo thought he would; like cigarettes and peppermint.

Kylo had never had a boyfriend before. He’d never had an anything before. When Hux had stood up that fateful Monday and stared at Kylo almost angrily, Kylo never would’ve guessed it would’ve ended with Hux fisting his hands in Kylo’s jacket and pressing their mouths together forcefully. Though it was sudden, as far as first kisses went, Kylo had no complaints.

It was thrilling in a way that was entirely different from all the stupid shit Kylo pulled on a regular basis. Just kissing and taking Hux’s hand when he was feeling brave was new and exciting, his stomach filling up with butterflies every time they touched. They talked more, too, spending as much time on the phone as they could get away with when they couldn’t spend the weekend together.

There was a persistent nagging worry, though, at the back of Kylo’s mind. He remembered what Hux had said about university, about how he might have to move far away for it. Would their relationship survive that? More importantly, would Kylo survive that? As much as he felt like he might have a reason to live for the first time in too long, it was terrifying to think about losing it.

So instead, he tried not to think. He used what he always had when he was alone, sneaking off to the bathroom between classes or staying holed up in his room at home. But when he was with Hux, curled together on the uncomfortable basement couch, it was easy enough to lose himself in kissing Hux, in them holding each other, in the places their bodies touched and the time they spent together. It worked just as well, if not better, at keeping his brain under control.

Graduation was looming like a spectre, however, and the stress of it was affecting them both. It seemed to be hitting Hux more, but that wasn’t surprising. Unlike Kylo, Hux never let his grades slip even an inch, always pushing himself towards perfection. It would’ve been admirable if it wasn’t so obvious from the dark circles under his eyes and how he’d gotten impossibly thinner that it was bad for him.

Something had to give eventually and Kylo should’ve expected it. His life never stayed good for long, he had just never dared to think that the next bad thing to happen to him would involve Hux. The idea was far too frightening to even consider and that was why it caught Kylo off guard.

They were on their usual bench at lunch, discussing nothing of any real importance. Hux was bitching about an answer to a bonus question on a test he believed he should’ve gotten credit for while Kylo just shook his head, smiling. Hux was so fucking stubborn and Kylo found it weirdly endearing.

When the hour came to an end, they stood and Kylo’s hand shot out to stabilize Hux as per usual. Except Hux didn’t just sway, but collapsed to the ground with the sickening thump of dead weight. Kylo’s heart leapt into his throat as he hurried to crouch beside Hux. Hux’s eyes were closed, pale lashes not even fluttering. Unsure what to do, Kylo put his fingers to Hux’s neck, searching for a pulse.

It took him an agonizingly long moment to find it, especially with the way his hand was shaking, but Kylo did. It was there, but it felt wrong. What was supposed to be the steady beat of Hux’s heart was weak and thready.

Kylo panicked further. He didn’t know what to do. He gently maneuvered Hux into a better position, on his back with his top half cradled in Kylo’s lap. He was about to call for help when he looked down and saw Hux’s eyes slowly opening.

“Hux!” he cried, not caring who heard.

“What happened?” Hux sounded off and he looked disoriented, making Kylo’s heart clench in his chest.

“You passed out,” Kylo said, blinking away the sudden sting in his eyes. “Your pulse felt weird. Fuck, I thought you were going to die.”

Hux was looking more alert by the second, starting to sit up properly. “Well, I appear to be fine now. I must’ve just stood up too quickly.”

Kylo stared at him in mute horror. How could Hux possibly think this was okay?

“You’re not fine!” Kylo shouted, his fear becoming infused with anger at Hux for not being appropriately worried. “People don’t just pass out if there’s nothing wrong!”

Hux’s gaze was hard and cold. “I am fine. Now stop yelling, you’re going to cause a scene.”

“I don’t give a shit!” Kylo couldn’t have stopped yelling if he’d wanted to, which, incidentally, he didn’t. “You almost fucking died. And you might’ve broken something or gotten a concussion from the fall.”

Hux worked himself up to standing, moving gingerly either from caution or pain. He looked down at Kylo, still kneeling on the ground, and every trace of softness Kylo had seen come out more and more over the last few weeks was gone. Kylo couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Hux look at him like that, with so much coldness.

“I’m fine,” he said through clenched teeth. “I’m going to class now.”

Kylo wanted to say more, but then Hux was turning on his heel and storming off towards the front doors without looking back. Kylo almost called out to him, almost stood up and ran to catch him, but he was frozen to the spot. Even as the bell rang, signaling the start of classes, he didn’t move.

He knew what he and Hux did wasn’t good for them and, logically, he knew there was the potential for serious consequences. There was always a chance of going too far and needing stitches for him and there were equally serious but different possibilities for Hux. It just… it had never been real before. Even with Kylo’s scare with the pills, nothing serious had happened aside from a day of what was probably what a hangover felt like.

But Hux… as much as a part of Kylo had always worried about him, he’d never thought something that serious could happen. Or, rather, that it would happen. It was real now; every one of Hux’s skipped meals, the way he was always cold, all of his bones that stuck out too far. It was real and Kylo had no idea what he was supposed to do.

The night after Hux passed out, Kylo couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned, his mind conjuring up worst case scenarios, visions of everything bad that could possibly happen to Hux, plus a few ideas that likely couldn’t but scared Kylo anyway. He’d tried to get a hold of him all day, texting him in class and calling when he’d gotten home, but Hux had ignored him completely.

At the same time, though, Kylo knew he was a hypocrite. His little secret may not have been bad in the same way, but it was the first thing he’d done once he’d gotten back into the building, too upset and shaking too hard to worry about being even later than he already was. And he knew it had risks, too, even if none were hospital-worthy yet. There were times where he went too far and his head spun afterwards. If he wasn’t careful, he could pass out too, among other things.

But it wasn’t quite the same, either. Kylo had done some googling early on, after he’d put together the pieces on Hux. Eating disorders were dangerous, one of the most dangerous things one could do to themselves. And Hux, being the perfectionist he was, was absolutely good at pushing himself to the limit. Even after knowing him for over a year, Kylo had seen Hux eat only a handful of times at most and it was never anything nutritionally dense.

Kylo already knew a life without Hux wasn’t one he wanted, it just hadn’t really ever set in that he could lose him to this. It was always university, or some other normal event he thought of as a threat, never the open secrets they had. He couldn’t accept that. Perhaps it was hypocritical of him to want Hux to stop when Kylo did what he did, but that didn’t stop him from wanting it.

Morning came too soon and Kylo spent it in an anxious haze. He’d finally passed out somewhere around three am, but the sleep he did get didn’t help much. Hux still hadn’t answered any of his texts, either. Was he still angry? Would Hux even be at their bench come lunch? Did Hux hate him now? Kylo was too worried to pay attention in any of his classes, just watching the clock slowly tick towards the lunch hour.

Once the bell for lunch finally rang, Kylo hurried to their bench, chewing anxiously on his lip. When he stepped outside and saw familiar orange hair in the distance, he breathed out a sigh of relief, feeling like a weight had suddenly been lifted off his shoulders. Hux was there. He didn’t hate Kylo. It was going to be okay.

A nervous clench of his stomach reminded Kylo of what had happened the previous day and that it may not, in fact, be okay, but he ignored it. Hux was here. That was all the mattered right now. Kylo didn’t hesitate to approach and take a seat on the bench next to Hux, pulling out his smokes and debating whether he should say something or pretend nothing had happened.

Hux made the decision for him when he leaned over for a kiss and then started talking as if this was any other day, as if yesterday never happened. Kylo shouldn’t have been surprised, yet he’d still expected there would have at least been a discussion. There should have at least been a discussion. As much as part of him wanted things to go back to normal, they couldn’t. It just wasn’t possible anymore.

Hux didn’t seem to notice Kylo barely participating in the conversation, or maybe he did and was just hiding it well. It was hard to tell, but Kylo could feel a burning anger building in his gut. It was just like when Hux had insisted he was fine right after passing out.

When Kylo finished his smoke and pulled out his lunch, he saw Hux glance at it like he always did. Hux then took out his tin of mints and the tension in Kylo snapped. He couldn’t pretend anymore.

“You need to stop,” he said, quieter than he intended.

Hux had the audacity to look confused. “Stop what?”

“You know what!” Kylo paused to breathe, trying to lower his voice. “You think I’m an idiot? You’re going to die, Hux. Or end up in the hospital, which I know you think would be worse.”

“You wouldn’t,” Hux said, eyes hard and voice full of cold, stinging rage.

“I wouldn’t, no, I know you’d hate me.” It was true; despite knowing what would be best for Hux, Kylo could never betray him like that. “But you can’t go on like this. You know it, too.”

There was a long, tense moment before Hux answered, “Fine. I’ll stop if you will.”

That caught Kylo off guard. “What?”

“To quote you, ‘you know what’,” Hux said, looking at Kylo intensely. “Do you think you’re the only one that worries? Do you remember that night I called you about the fucking Jane Eyre paper?”

Kylo swallowed. Of course he remembered.

“I don’t know if you just went too far and it was blood loss, or if you were high, or what, but I was fucking worried. You didn’t even tell me something was wrong, just let me go on like everything was fine. It was not fucking fine,” Hux spat, getting more worked up with every word.

Kylo looked at the ground, feeling guilty. Hux never talked about feelings or serious shit like this, even now that they were dating. It was profoundly uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it, especially when Kylo knew he deserved to be shouted at.

“I know what you get up to. I see the way you limp sometimes and how you wince when you move wrong.” Hux paused and Kylo glanced up to see he was also staring at the ground now. “I worry about you. I’m afraid that one day you won’t be here at lunch because you didn’t know when to stop and you’re fucking bleeding out on the bathroom floor.”

It was silent for a long, uncomfortable moment. Kylo had always worried about Hux, sometimes more than others, but he hadn’t known he’d hurt Hux the same way. The whole point of Kylo doing what he did was so he wouldn’t hurt anyone or anything but himself. And yet that’s exactly what he’d done anyways.

“Okay.” The word was barely audible.

“What?”

“I’ll try to stop if you do,” Kylo said, finally looked at Hux dead on.

Kylo must’ve looked as pleading as he thought he did because, amazingly, Hux relented. “Fine. I… I will try.”

Kylo couldn’t help but beam. Even if he’d gotten himself into this boat too, part of him hadn’t really thought Hux would agree. But he did. It wouldn’t be easy for either of them, he knew that, but they had each other; that would have to be enough. And when Kylo managed to convince Hux to eat one of his cookies that lunch hour, he was sure they could pull this off if they really tried.

The rest of the school year passed in a blur of finals and graduation prep. It was the worst possible time for them to start what they were trying to do, but they’d both committed to it. Fortunately, it seemed whenever Kylo wanted to quit, Hux was more resolved than ever, and vice versa. They balanced each other out.

When Kylo called Hux after screaming into his pillow for ten minutes, Hux could almost always calm him down. When Hux called, never saying why but never needing to, Kylo managed to distract him long enough to finish whatever it was he was trying to force himself to eat. It wasn’t easy, but Kylo still believed they could do it.

And there were times when they both slipped, when Kylo would break and hurt himself or when Hux wouldn’t be able to handle a meal. The first time, Kylo was sure Hux would be angry with him, would yell at him for fucking up just like everyone else did. But he didn’t. He’d just said to try harder next time and then confessed that’d he’d failed a few times too. It’d helped more than Kylo could’ve expected.

Though if the end of the school year had been tough, Kylo hadn’t been prepared for how difficult the summer and its endless reserve of free time would be. School had been annoying, but at least it had been a distraction. Hux seemed to feel the same way as well, if the way Kylo sometimes saw him staring at the treadmill when he was over was any indication.

Kylo knew, somewhere deep down, that this wasn’t the right way to do things. They should be getting real, actual help from a professional, seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist or something. But the thought of submitting to that, of risking his parents being told or being locked up in some hospital wing was just too frightening. Of course, he knew his fear was likely more unfounded than he thought, but that didn’t mean it went away.

But even still, right or wrong, despite the stumbles and falls and nights spent with one of them trying not to cry while on the phone with the other, Kylo couldn’t help but think that they might actually be pulling it off. Kylo worked hard to find other outlets, some of which worked and some of which didn’t, finally settling on art as a way to help channel his emotions. He wasn’t very good at it, which caused some frustration in and of itself, but it did seem to help. He also had to admit, despite himself, that it was kind of nice not to be in pain or itchy all the time.

Hux, meanwhile, looked healthier every time Kylo got to see him, by Kylo’s measure. He was still thin, but he no longer looked quite so sickly, his body filling out bit by bit and the colour returning to his face. The weight itself didn’t seem to be Hux’s motivation, as far as Kylo could tell. His slowly-changing body was frowned at, when Hux thought Kylo wasn’t looking, but that was really the extent of it. Hux had never told him why he did what he did, but Kylo suspected it had something to do with how much his father controlled his life, never letting him go out or have people over or whatever else he did that Kylo didn’t even know about. With his father the way he was, there were precious few things Hux actually had control over in his life.

Overall, things were going well, and it was partway through the summer when Kylo got the letter. Despite his lack of hope, he’d actually gotten into university. The first thing he’d wanted to do was run off and call Hux but, unfortunately, his parents were both home simultaneously for the first time in months. After seeing his grin and knowing something was up, they had insisted on taking him out for dinner to celebrate. As much as he normally would’ve been happy to go out, he wanted to share the news with Hux more than his parents.

Dinner passed too slowly with a mixture of awkward ‘we’re proud of you’ speeches mixed in with some thinly veiled ‘don’t fuck this up’ threats. Kylo nodded along, tried to say the right things, and ate as quickly as he could, just waiting for it to be over. It wasn’t that he hated his parents – as much as he might have thought he did once, that wasn’t what it was. It was just simply too late for them to try to pay attention to him now after so many years of being too busy with work.

Fortunately, dinner was not in fact endless and as soon as Kylo could get free, he hurried to his room, pulled his phone out, and dialed Hux’s number. Kylo paced anxiously as it rang, hoping Hux’s father wasn’t around and that Hux would be able to answer.

“Hello?”

Hux had barely managed to get the word out before Kylo was talking. “Guess what?”

“What?” Hux asked, sounding entirely too suspicious. If Kylo hadn’t been in such a good mood, he would’ve been offended.

“I got in!” He was trying not to shout in his excitement, but it was hard. “University. In town. I actually got in!”

“Oh thank fuck,” Hux said, apparently relieved instead of excited.

“What?” Kylo asked, confused.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” Hux said, and now he sounded a bit nervous, which was even stranger. “I just meant that I’m really happy you got in.”

Kylo frowned. Hux didn’t exactly sound happy. This was not how he thought this conversation was going to go.

“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy for me…”

“I am! Really, that’s excellent, Kylo.” Hux cut in before Kylo’s mood could really start to drop. “Fuck. Okay, I didn’t tell you but I got my letters two weeks ago.”

Kylo started. “Two weeks ago? Why didn’t you say anything?! And wait, letters? As in plural?”

“I wanted to wait until you heard back! And yes, letters.” Hux paused, that nervous edge back in his voice. “I was accepted everywhere I applied to.”

It felt like something hit Kylo right in the gut. In the whirlwind that was them dating, then them trying to stop self-destructing, then graduation and finals and everything, Kylo had nearly forgotten that Hux had options. And that the option that Kylo wanted him to choose was also the one his father didn’t want him to.

“Oh,” Kylo said, trying to sound encouraging, but it came out more resigned.

“That’s why I wanted to wait until you heard back.” Hux stopped again, taking a breath deep enough that it was audible over the phone. “I still want to go for engineering, but you know how my father is. So I told myself that if you got in here, in town, then that’s where I would go. If you didn’t, I would do what he wanted.”

Kylo suddenly couldn’t breathe. At first, because he wasn’t losing Hux after all, even though he’d been so sure he was going to. Then he realized that Hux was defying his father in something for the first time since they’d met, to Kylo’s knowledge. And then, lastly and most importantly, that Hux had let all of this hinge on him. In a way, Hux had bet his own happiness on Kylo’s success.

A voice inside Kylo told him that Hux must be fucking insane to do that, but the rest of him was too warmed by Hux having faith in him to listen to it.

“Holy fuck,” Kylo whispered, too shaken to say anything else.

“I know,” Hux said quickly, as if trying to justify himself. “But this is the best part: I applied for scholarships and I got those too. I don’t even need his money. He can’t stop me.”

Hux sounded nearly giddy now, a tone that was strange for Kylo to hear in Hux’s voice. This was all too good to be true. Kylo couldn’t believe it.

“Hux that’s…” Kylo had to pause to gather himself. “That’s fucking amazing.”

There was a sigh of relief over the phone, as if Hux had been waiting to hear that Kylo approved. He wasn’t sure what else Hux could’ve possibly imagined him doing, but he knew full well how insidious the inside of his own head could be. For Hux to have ended up the way he was, his brain must’ve been just as bad.

“It’s even better to finally know,” Hux said, all of the tension gone from his voice. “I’d been sitting with this for two weeks, not even knowing where I was going or if we were going to be together. Why the fuck did you have to get yours so much later than I did?”

Kylo couldn’t help but laugh, caught up in the joy of the moment. He wasn’t sure when it would start feeling real, but he hoped it would soon. For the first time in too many years, he actually felt like he had a future worth looking forward to.

The giddy euphoria spreading through his body was the only justification he had for what came out of his mouth next: “Hux, I love you.”

Kylo froze. There was a moment of silence, of Kylo wondering if he’d just shattered everything good that had just happened. Why the fuck had he said that? They were both seventeen, had only been dating for a few months, and were definitely not in their right minds. How could he possibly have the right to say those words, even if he felt they were true?

He had just opened his mouth to say something, to take it back or laugh it off, when Hux said, quietly, almost wonderingly, “I love you, too.”

Kylo couldn’t help but grin, a soft feeling in his chest quickly replacing the fear that had been there just a moment ago. He wished they were physically together, so he could pull Hux into a crushing hug until he squirmed and insisted to be freed. And then Kylo would only release him in exchange for a kiss.

But they had time now, as much time as they wanted for all the hugs and kisses and celebrations. Hux wasn’t going anywhere. Hux loved him. And that was more than Kylo could’ve ever hoped for, yet he had it all anyways.

Kylo took a deep breath as he looked out on the campus, more overwhelmed than he wanted to admit. His instincts told him he definitely had enough time to run off to the bathroom and do everything he was trying not to do, but the hand clasped with his own helped to push the urge away. When he turned to look at Hux, he didn’t see fear, but determination. Hux’s expression alone was enough to bolster Kylo enough to push the fear down.

It was also a welcome change, given that he knew exactly how badly Hux had broken down shortly before classes had started. Kylo had been so worried, doing his best to help but knowing that there was only so much he could do. Hux’s general anxiety about everything mixed with going against his father’s wishes and the fallout from that had been too much and it’d taken him until he moved into residence to get back on track. As much as good things were coming for them – and Kylo, for once, actually believed that – the memory was a reminder of how far they still had to go.

Kylo knew they were both going to slip, that challenges they’d never had to face before were coming. But they also had everything they’d learned since the day they’d decided to try to get better and they had each other. So far, that had been enough for them, and if a day came where that was no longer true, well, they’d figure it out when it happened. Kylo didn’t think it would, though; he couldn’t remember a time before Hux when he’d felt this good.

Kylo squeezed Hux’s hand briefly and watched Hux smile in response, erasing any of his lingering doubts, before they started walking together towards the future.