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Tortoises.
Dozens and dozens of tortoises.
Not exactly what Lovino was expecting when he got home from another day of calling people idiots and bastards in his head also known as work.
He’s had a long day, and he just wanted to eat some goddamn pasta, and maybe try to get Antonio to cuddle him, without actually asking it of course, he’d just coerce him into it, something that isn’t hard at all. His boyfriend is affectionate, whether Lovino wants him to be or not.
But instead of his ass of a boyfriend waiting for him, he comes home to his apartment covered in fucking tortoises.
At Least they’re not actually fucking, that would have been even worse.
Now that he thinks about it, Lovino has no idea what tortoises do when they fuck, so they might be fucking. Just great.
He carefully sets his bag down, hangs his coat, and walks through the house, trying not to step on any of the god damn turtles. He’s not a monster that will just hurt tortoises, okay?
“Oi, tomato bastard where the fuck are you?” Lovino yells.
Antonio walks out of their bathroom, smiling that stupid happy smile. How can one person always be this happy? Does he just absorb all of Lovino’s happiness? That must be it, and his brother must do the same with that german bastard.
“Lovi! You’re home!” Antonio hugs Lovino tightly, who now realises his happy go lucky boyfriend has a tortoise on both his head and his shoulder. How the fuck did they even stay there?
“Antonio, what the fuck is going on? Why are there a million stupid tortoises in our home?”
“Don’t exaggerate Lovi, it’s only 486 tortoises!”
“That’s still way too many.”
“But Lovi they’re so cute!” Antonio holds one of the tortoises in front of Lovino’s face, the tortoise lazyly looks at Lovino, not really interested in him.
“Why are they even here?”
“We miss calculated something and ended up with too many tortoises.”
Of Course, that stupid pet store Antonio works at can’t do anything besides taking care of animals.
“Why are they here?”
“They needed a place to stay, it’s only for a couple days.” Antonio puts on a kicked puppy face, one of Lovino’s only weaknesses.
“Fine, but I’m not cleaning their shit up.”
Antonio hugs Lovino tightly again, “gracias Lovi!”
And that’s how Lovino’s tortoise filled hell began.
Weirdly enough, Lovino gets used to having them around, and has even gotten attached to one of the tortoises with a shell just a little spikier than the others. He even let’s the little guy eat from his tomatoes, the others get cabbage, tomato tortoise is better than them. He’s not going to give the bastard an actual name, just a couple more days and they’ll all be gone, so he better not get attached.
But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t dread the day the tortoise would be gone again.
This time when Lovino gets home he expects there to be tortoises like the last couple days.
Only this time there are none.
What the fuck? Did that bastard bring them back already? Seriously the one time Lovino doesn’t mind one of the crazy mistakes he makes, he fixes it too soon.
“Bastard are you home?” The Italian calls out as he hangs up his coat and takes off his shoes.
“Lovi!” Antonio walks out of their bedroom to greet his boyfriend with a kiss. “I missed you.”
Lovino grumbles an ‘I missed you too’, “I see you got rid of all the tiny bastards.”
“Si, about time, right?”
“Si…..”
Antonio wraps his arms around Lovino’s waist and hugs him close, “awww Lovi do you miss them?”
“Why the fuck would I?”
Antonio shrugs, “does that mean you won’t like my surprise?”
“If our bathtub is filled with frogs again then I’m divorcing you.”
Antonio laughs, “we’re not married amore.”
“Don’t give a fuck.”
“I know you don’t, but don’t worry, there are no frogs.”
“Then what is it?”
“Close your eyes.~”
Lovino reluctantly closes his eyes, Antonio kisses his nose and he immediately snaps them open again.
“That better not have been the surprise.”
“Lo siento, you just looked so cute.”
Lovino glares at Antonio.
“Close your eyes again?”
“No.”
“Pretty please with pasta on top?”
“Fine,” Lovino closes his eyes again, “but if you pull that shit again then I’m punching your bastard face.”
“Don’t worry Lovi, I won’t this time.”
Antonio let’s go of lovino. With his eyes closed he can only hear Antonio's footsteps growing softer and softer as the spaniard walks away. They stop, to then get louder again until Lovino is sure Antonio is standing right in front of him.
“Can I open my eyes?”
“Not yet! Hold out your hands.”
“I swear if you put something gross in them.”
“Don’t you trust me Lovi?”
“Not really.”
Antonio laughs, “you can be so mean sometimes.”
“That’s the point.”
“I know, and I still love you. Can you please hold out your hands now?”
Lovino sighs but does as Antonio says.
“Now don’t drop this. Antonio places in object in his hands, it feels weird and… oh god is it moving?!
“Bastard what the fuck is this?!”
“Open your eyes!”
Lovino does, and he immediately recognises the bastard in his hands, it’s the tomato tortoise.
“You kept him?”
“Si! You really seemed to like him, I got him a tank and everything. But if you don’t want him I can return him….”
Lovino holds the tortoise closer to his chest, “back off, he’s mine.”
Antonio laughs, “so you like him?”
“I do.”
“He deserves a name then.”
Lovino thinks for a moment, “T. B. Junior, just Junior for short.”
“T. B. Junior?”
“Si.”
“What does that stand for?”
“Tomato bastard Junior, named after the most precious person in my life.”
“Aww Lovi you’re so sweet!” Antonio hugs Lovino tightly, “I love you.”
“I love you too, now let me go before you hurt Junior.”
“Only if you give me a kiss.”
“No.”
“Pplleeeaaaasseeee?”
“No.”
Antonio pouts, “who should I kiss then?”
Lovino holds the tortoise closer to Antonio’s face, “kiss Junior.”
“But I want to kiss you.”
Lovino sighs and kisses Antonio’s cheek, “there, happy?”
“No, that wasn’t a proper kiss.”
Lovino manages to get out of Antonio’s arms, “I don’t care, I’m going to feed Junior a tomato mow.” He walks to the kitchen and opens the fridge.
“Am I being replaced by a tortoise?”
“Maybe.”