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You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay? But you can’t run Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it.
Clarke woke from her familiar series of dreams to a mess of brunette hair.
Madi .
She did love to migrate towards Clarke when they were asleep. Clarke found Madi about a year and a half after she woke up. The Earth was covered in ash, and this child was huddled in some old bunker eating raw fish and she looked terrified.
Whatever happened to the world, it seemed that they were the only two left. And she wasn’t going to leave this girl by herself. So she took her in and raised her as her own. Once Madi warmed up to Clarke, she told her about what had happened to the world. That the world was covered in fire or Praimfaya as they called it. Madi told her of the Grounders and the Sky People and Clarke soon came to realize that her dreams were starting to sound similar to Madi’s stories.
Clarkes dreams were memories. But she couldn’t relate emotionally to them. They weren’t clicking in her mind. So that’s all they were, stories and dreams. She would eventually figure out the rest later. Why her dreams kept repeating, or when they would dissipate, if they ever would. What was she supposed to do with all of it if no one was left from her supposed old life. Thankfully she had no emotional attachment to her dreams. It was just her and Madi. All they had to do was survive.
She sat in bed recounting her dream, attempting to connect to it. She knew that these people in her dreams were important. They had overcome so many obstacles in such a short period of time and at such a young age. They were so important to the Clarke in her dreams. But the Clarke now, post Praimfaya, they weren’t real to her. In one of her dreams she found out that they were either up in space, or underground. She sacrificed herself to save her friends and woke up, with no memory of them. Only the greatest hits playing in her head as she sleeps.
She needed some air. She like walking around at dawn. It brought her calm and clarity, and it was a time when she could sketch. That’s something else she learned about herself in the last 6 years.
She was an artist.
Sometimes that’s how she would remember those people she had forgotten. Her fingers would run away without her brain and several hours later, a new face or place would appear on her page. She would later find out who these people were to her at night. Her brain would catch up to her and explain that these people were her parents, friends, lovers, partners, people who perished, places she traveled to, places she was captured, places she found.
Going through this was always an emotional experience, and she didn’t like Madi seeing her broken and frustrated that she couldn’t put the pieces together. It was so frustrating because she had everything she needed, all the pieces to the puzzle, but didnt know how to put it back together.
As she stared back, she took another moment and closed her eyes trying to calm down and relax. Taking deep breaths, she attempted to pull herself together as the sun rose. It was a foggy morning but she realized something was off.
She felt as if someone was following her, or watching her. It wasn’t something she felt often since it was just her and Madi in Eden. She slowed her pace to get a sense of where the intruder was. She didn’t want to raise any alarms in case it was an animal. She started for a dense part of the forest where she knew she could lose whatever it was and double back to get behind it, but as she wove in and out of the trees, whatever or whoever was following her was close. She wasn’t going to be able to double back. She decided she needed to act fast. So she grabbed her gun from her hip holster and spun around in one quick movement to find a tall man standing behind her about 15 yards with the strangest look on his face.
“Clarke?” the man all but whispered.
Clarke didn’t have any words. She just held her gun on him, but for some reason couldn’t pull the trigger. Something about him was making her hesitate.
“Clarke, is that really you?” He continued taking a step towards Clarke.
She adjusted her grip on her gun working out her next move in her head.
“Clarke, it’s me. Its Bellamy.” he tried reaching out to her
Realization hit her like a ton of bricks and her eyes widened.
“Bella...?” she started until she heard Madi approaching her but she noticed she didn’t sound like she was alone.
“Clarke? Clarke! Put your gun down. Clarke. It’s your friends. They ones from your dreams you told me about and the Sky people I told you about.” Madi reached out, laying her hand on Clarke’s gun getting her attention and breaking her concentration that she still held on Bellamy as tears fell down her face. When did she start to cry?
“Madi? I…….” she cracked trying to wrap her mind around what was happening.
“Clarke? Holy Shit. You’re still alive.” Raven gasped again looking like she was looking at a ghost.
Clarke had a feeling she would get a lot of those looks today. She glanced back to Bellamy who still was staring at her with such ferocity she couldn’t continue to look directly at him. So she turned back to the group of people behind Madi. She was trying to remember. She knew these people, but didn’t.
“Madi…” Clarke tried. She sounded terrified.
Madi understood that she must be overwhelmed and started to explain.
“Clarke, Its Raven, Monty, Harper, Murphy, Echo and Bellamy” she finished gesturing at the tall man standing across from her.
“These are your friends. Your family Clarke. Remember?” Madi attempted to reach out to Clarke.
“What’s wrong with her?” Monty asked looking to Raven and Bellamy.
“Yeah Wanheda, don’t remember your favorite from the 100?” Murphy quipped hoping this was all a rouse and she just needed some sarcasm to snap out of it. Raven just glared at him smacking him in the arm.
“What? I thought would help” Murphy said rubbing his arm where Raven whapped him.
Clarke couldn’t find the words, but Wanheda grabbed her attention. As she stumbled back setting down on a fallen tree behind her, her fingers ran through her hair as she tried to get her breathing under control.
“Madi? What happened?” Bellamy asked breaking the silence but his eye never left Clarke.
Madi took a deep breath getting ready for the explanation of her life.
“After Praimfaya, she lost her memory. She woke up in the lab alone with severe radiation poisoning.” Madi explained looking at all of these people looking from her to Clarke trying to understand.
“She found me about a year and a half after she woke up and told me about these dream she was having. I figured out they were memories after she started telling stories about Mt Weather, and the Clans, and Lexa, and The City of Light. I had no idea she was Wanheda until she told me the story about her and Lexa. I knew she was special.” Madi said looking at Clarke with such admiration.
“She told me about how you guys went back for Raven to save her and had to go back to space to survive. She went to the tower to align the satellite and how she saw your rocket launch and that she knew she had to save you. But she made it down to the lab in time before the death wave hit and that’s the last thing she dreamt. And then her dreams would start over. She still dreams about it.” she said taking abreath realizing this might be a lot of information, but they needed to know.
She continued. “She actually woke up this morning before the sun rose to process. It’s also when she recharges and sketches. I’ve seen your faces so many times from all of her sketches I feel like I know you all already.” She giggled.
The group just stared as Madi finished and Bellamy never once took his eyes off of Clarke. Raven decided to walk towards Clarke and she took a seat next to her. Clarke glanced at Raven as she sat and noticed her brace and a memory hits her like a tons of bricks, while she’s awake .
Clarke was almost breathless “I remember this” pointing at the brace on Raven’s leg.
“Yeah, it was a pretty shitty day.” Raven said recalling the day that Murphy shot her and almost killed her. They had already gotten over that now. 6 years in close proximity will do that to you.
“You almost died” Clarke said just above a whisper as a tear rolled down her cheek.
Raven just let her take a moment as the memory flooded her. Everyone else was talking amongst themselves and introducing themselves to Madi. Bellamy had regrouped with the group but still had one eye on Clarke the whole time she was having a moment with Raven.
“Hey, Clarke. Its ok. It’ll come back. Now that we are here, maybe your memory will slowly come back.” Raven offered.
“That’s just it Raven. I know who you guys are, but I only have memories while im sleeping. I don’t have flashes while I'm awake. The memories in my dreams are like an out of body experience. I’m not experiencing the memory, I’m just watching them from afar. Not until you just sat down did I actually feel like those memories with you were mine”, she hiccuped now trying to hold it together before completely losing it. She continued, “I remember how scared I was for you. I thought you were going to die. That I wouldn’t be able to save you” she finished burying her head in her hands.
Raven reached out for Clarke trying to console her long lost friend.
“Hey, Im here. I didn’t die then and I didnt die the 800 other times either. We are all right here, ready to help you get through this Clarke. Let us take care of you for a change”, she said looking to Bellamy.
“Clarke?” Madi asked.
Clarke sniffed trying to pull herself together. “Yeah Mads?”
“Can we take them home? I’m starving and I’m sure they are too.” She finished.
“Yeah, let’s go home.” Clarke said standing up from the log she was perched on. She turned reaching for Raven to help her up from the log.
“Thanks” she grunted. And fell into step behind Clarke and Madi.
“So, Clarke. What do you remember?” Monty asked trying to the silence.
“I told Raven, I remember who you all are, but I dont have the emotional attachment to you guys. Well at least I didn’t till Raven sat down next to me” Clarke said trying to understand what was happening.
Monty continued, “I wonder if it just takes some one on one time with each of us and something to trigger your memories and you will remember all of us?” he offered.
Clarke smiled. God that was going to be exhausting, but if what she felt for Raven would happen, she was ready to remember them all. She caught Bellamy’s glance and noticed his smirk.
Yeah, she really wanted to remember what she had forgotten.
After some time, they finally arrived at Clarke and Madi’s home. Their little village.
“Ok guys, there are plenty of places to crash. We’ll need to go out and hunt for dinner tonight but we have a ton of fruit and veggies to eat until then.” she said as she started to make herself at home.
Clarke ended up on the church steps looking at all of her friends as they explored the village. Madi had drug off Raven and maybe Murphy to show them around.
“Hey.” A tall slender brunette walked up to her and sat down next to her.
Clarke just waited.
“Echo.” the girl offered.
“I know who you are Echo.” she snorted “How are you doing? Happy to be back on the ground?”
Clarke said somewhat amused.
Echo looked stunned. So she did remember who they were. “You have no idea. I just remember the last time I saw you was in the lab before we left. You look good now Clarke. Strong.” she finished
And then it hit her. All the betrayal, remorse, guilt and hope she felt whenever she thought about Echo. The warrior and spy from Ice Nation. It took her by surprise and she lost her breathe for a moment.
“It hit you didn’t it?” Echo asked realizing something like a revelation washed over Clarke.
“Yes. How are you, really?” Clarke managed as she tried getting her bearings.
“Good. It was hard. We lost you, then we all almost died. Bellamy was a mess. We lost Emori in a freak accident, Murphy almost lost it and we were late coming back. We went through a lot Clarke. But at least we had each other.” she hesitated. “You were alone.” Echo said with such weight and sadness.
“Not completely”, Clarke said as her eyes found Madi bouncing around Raven and Murphy walking in and out of the building in their village.
After a beat, Echo dropped the hammer. “You need to talk to him Clarke. I can’t imagine what he is thinking, but he needs you. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but maybe you could go through it together?” she offered.
Clarke couldn’t believe Echo was the one to come to talk to her about Bellamy. Out of everyone.
“I don’t think I can handle that emotion yet Echo. I need to work my way up to it. This is a lot to take in.” Clarke admitted.
“I understand, but don’t take too long, or it might kill him.” She finished with the most intense and serious gaze.
Clarke nodded understanding what she meant. Clarke knew that Bellamy was special to her. She had seen everything they had gone through, but she had a feeling that to feel what they went through might just kill her too.
“So did that happen up there?” Clarke asked gesturing to Raven and Murphy.
“I’ll let them tell you that story. But after Emori, they just gravitate towards each other. Or more like crashed into each other. But they are good for each other. Surprisingly. It can be volatile, but we all like to call it passion. We knew it would work because we had seen a relationship like that before.” she winked.
Clarke just looked at her cocking her eyebrow at Echo.
Echo laughed to herself and started to get up. “I’m glad you’re alive Wanheda.”
Clarke hated that name. But I guess it was appropriate. She had beaten death time and time again. This last time more than ever.
“Clarke!” Madi hollered from across the way. She rocked up from her seat and noticed Bellamy just standing outside the church looking into their home. He was so quiet. Clarke wanted to talk to him. But she just reached out and grabbed his wrist and smiled at him, letting him know that she was thankful that he wasn’t too far away. He knew that she would come to him when she was ready. And he would be here for her when she was.
Clarke walked across the yard towards Madi.
“Raven, Murphy, Monty and Harper want to go out hunting with me. Can we go Clarke? We figured that you could use some time”, she stopped and glanced behind her. “You know.” she said trying to be as discreet as possible, and failing.
Clarke just looked at her. When did this kid start taking care of her instead of the other way around.
“Kid, I know but..” Clarke began
“No, we are going. You need to relax anyways.” She declared.
“You guys going hunting?” Echo piped in walking up to the group.
“Yeah” Madi answered.
“I’ll come with. Make sure no one gets lost or injures themselves”, she snorts ruffling Madi’s hair.
“Hey, this is my territory now Azgeda. I’ll make sure you don’t get lost” Madi said with all the pride she could muster.
Echo just looked at her and smiled. “Well show us the way fearless leader” she said ushering the gang towards the woods. She stopped and turned to Clarke to leave her with one thought.
“Talk.” she whispered.
Clarke just shewed her away. She’ll talk when she’s good and ready.
Once she turned back towards the village, all signs of Bellamy were lost.
She decided that she needed to take a break. For so long it was just her and Madi. With all these people around now, she starting to get overwhelmed. She finds the rover and decides that she needs a moment alone. Maybe some sketching will help her relax.
She turns around the back corner of the rover and there he was. Sitting in the back with his feet hanging out the back door. He was preoccupied with all of her sketches since they were littered on the floor and pretty much everywhere in that rover. She just sat there watching him. He had so much sadness in his eyes when she first saw him, that seeing him now, relaxed with a smirk across his face threw her for a moment.
Who was he to her? Why did it feel like there was a huge weight on his shoulders from the moment they found each other in the woods. She had the biggest urge to lift that weight. She wanted to relieve him of any pain he had, but she couldn’t understand why.
He finally lifted his head and noticed her out of the corner of his eye. He looked ashamed, like he was caught invading her privacy.
“Sorry.” he whispered.
“Don’t be. They are mostly of you. It’s basically me trying to remember what I had forgotten.” she offered.
“So, what do you remember?” he asked looking back to the sketches in his hands.
“I remember a lot. But today is the first time I’m starting to feel everything. Raven, Monty, Murphy, Echo even.” she snorted.
“And me?” he asked hesitantly.
Clarke caught his gaze and was lost in his dark brown eyes. “Not yet.”
He looked down discouraged. Clarke noticed him clenching his jaw. She wondered if he did that when he was frustrated or dissapointed.
“I’m scared.” she admitted.
“Of what?” he asked concerned.
“Remembering you.”
“Why?” he whispered.
“I know you are important Bellamy. I’m just scared of how important you are.”
“Would it help if I told you how important you are to me?” he asked.
Clarke nodded, terrified about whatever was about to be said.
Bellamy patted the floor of the rover gesturing for her to come sit next to him. So Clarke jumped into the rover and sat behind him, with her legs crossed, waiting.
“You were incredibly annoying”, he started.
Clarke picked up a balled up piece of paper and chucked it at him scowling.
“You just made my point princess.” And clarke flinched at the nickname but he just continued.
“You didn’t want to play by my rules.”
She snorted “Chaos?”
Bellamy looked back at Clarke with a light in his eyes she hadn’t seen yet.
“Whatever the hell we want”…. He whispered to himself turning back to the forest outside of the rover.
“We butted heads at first. But you wouldnt take no for an answer. You were amazing, Clarke. Strong, smart, brave. Everything I wanted to be but too much of a coward and too selfish to be.”
“You found your feet.” She added.
Bellamy smiled continuing. “It wasn’t until we saved each other that night with Dax, that I really realized how amazing you were. From then you continued to surprise me. You were everyone’s true north Clarke. You were my true North. We all needed you.”
She stared at her hands picking at her cuticles trying not to let the tears that were welling in her eyes fall.
“I remember you rushing towards me as I walked back into camp after trying to look for you after Mt Weather. I couldn’t believe that you were in my arms. It took me a second to respond but once I wrapped my arms around you, I realized that you were it Clarke. I would walk through fire for you.” he said, voice cracking. The emotion was starting to get to him now too.
The tears began to fall as Clarke started to remember. They way he felt in her arms as she ran to him. The relief she felt that he wasn’t dead. He was alive and in her arms.
“Then you left.” He continued their story. Recounting their moments. When she walked away from him. Leaving him alone, to when she came back. How mad he was at her. The night on the beach when he didn’t want to be mad anymore. Or when she left again to be with Lexa, or after Lexa died when she came back but was with Niylah. How her moving on killed him. But they still had each other even if he wasn’t the one she wanted to be with. How Becca almost killed her how he killed so many to keep her safe while she was saving everyone. And when she woke up, how they got through their hardest battle. Battle against time. They were there for each other when they needed it. And those last few months, she needed him more than ever. That’s why when she stole the bunker and drug him in there leaving Octavia out on her own made him so mad. He didn’t understand until she almost shot him.
Clarke remembered that moment so vividly right now. Like it just happened. She couldn’t pull the trigger. She shook her head as he took a moment. “I couldn’t go through with it.” she said weaping.
Bellamy turned around to face her, and waited.
“It was either save the entire human race, or lose you. And I couldn’t do it.”
Bellamy always knew. But it was a whole other thing listening to her say it. He reached out and grabbed her hand tracing small circles on her knuckles attempting to soothe her.
Clearing her throat she continued “So we went to save Raven, knowing full well we would probably die.”
“But we didn’t.” he said
“Well, technically…” she started
He interrupted “We didn’t.” Now looking here dead in the eyes. They took a moment to really bask in that. They were alive and together now. Even though it took 6 years.
“You know the last thing you said to me was?” He asked her.
“Head and the heart speech?” she said smirking knowing full well that wasn’t the last thing she said to him.
“No. Gods I wish.” He chuckled. “That would have been more profound, wouldn’t it? “ he said laughing.
Clarke smiled looking down at their hands intertwined.
“Hurry.”
She burst into laughter looking back at him.
And he looked at her tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear and she leaned into his hand and the tears were still streaming down her face. It really hit Clarke and soon enough she was more scared than she had ever been.
“I forgot Bellamy. What if you never came back. You would only be a dream to me.” Clarke was almost hyperventilating at this point and Bellamy wrapped her into his arms pressing a kiss onto the top of her head. He wanted to remove all of the pain, and sadness and confusion. He just wanted to hold her and make sure she never had to feel alone again.
“Listen Clarke. You died, and came back. But that wasn’t even the most amazing part. You survived, raised a kid. You have been through so much, all on your own.” He said still holding her..
“But….” Clarke tried.
“Clarke we are all here. I am here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here as long as you need to remember. Remember it all. I’ll be here to help you.” he said pressing another kiss into her hair. With that Clarke felt all of the love that this man truly had for her.
She pushed just out of his grasp enough to look into his warm brown eyes.
“I want to be who you remembered.” she said vocalizing her biggest fear and hope.
“Clarke, it’s been 6 years. We all have changed in some capacity. We will have to learn about each other all over again. But one thing hasn’t changed. I need you. And there is only one way you and I do things.” he said pressing his forehead against hers.
“Together.” she whispered.
“Together.”