Work Text:
Tyler tries to kill himself. It's his 5th attempt of the year, this time he's chosen pills. They feel heavy in his hand and they're like cotton is in his mouth when he downs them all with the help of cherry flavoured vodka.
He decides the bathroom is too cliche for him so he sits on the floor in his living room wearing a shirt with too many holes in it.
Plan not saw through, his mom finds him, she drops to her knees, hands shaking and she dials 911. Plan not saw through he's not dead, his stomach is getting pumped and his mother is watching, crying.
When he wakes up it's with tubes and an Iv and crying so much crying, he's drowsy.
His mom looks disappointed, when he wakes up she cries and says. "Don't ever do this again."
She said that the last 4 times.
Tyler feels like a failure, he's failed god, he’s failed himself, it shouldn't be this difficult, he's just not ready to die apparently. His mom keeps finding him, it's a miracle she hasn't admitted him yet. Hopefully next time he'll actually die and not risk being sent to a psychiatric ward.
He says it was an accident, he mixed two medications. This wasn't attempted suicide, this was accidental. Tyler didn't panic and Tyler's fingers didn't grab whatever pills he could find in his medicine cabinet. No Tyler made a mistake even though what they pumped out of him says otherwise.
Accidents happen.
*
At home his mother doesn't visit unless it's to drop off groceries, Tyler loses all motivation. This happens a lot, it's frequent and he feels like this is as good as it's anything is ever going to get.
There is nothing past this, he has reached his peak. This is his mentality, this is the one that's lead him to the hospital multiple times, this is the one that makes his mom cry, this is the one that has ruined his life.
Dying seems like the next step for him to live. Tyler believes he will be reincarnated into something cool, maybe a lady bug.
When he was a teenager it wasn't as bad. Now it's bad, now he skips his doses of medications and cries, he is ruining his own life because he doesn't want to live it anymore.
*
The day he's planning his 6th and hopefully final attempt he meets Josh and looks like he's been hit by a truck.
His under eye circles are everyone's worst nightmare and yeah, he'll admit he looks like shit. He doesn't eat, standing is difficult and he stumbles when he walks. He's suspicious. Still, Josh talks to him.
Josh is all pretty smiles and lean limbs and Tyler wants to kiss him until he can't breathe. It's a viable way to die.
He's at Home Depot because last time he came here they had succulents and Tyler wanted one. They also had rope thick enough to create a noose but he'd already tried that and all he'd gotten was the bruise that's still healing around his neck.
He's been asked if it was a tattoo before.
His new plan is to just jump off a building, there's not really a way he can fail at that.
The gardening section is outside and he touches flower petals and stems and cacti before there's a tap on his shoulder and a smooth voice asking if he needs help.
He shakes his head, swallowing saliva and his own words. "No, no I'm okay. Thank you."
Wearily the man smiles. "Well, my names Josh." An introduction that Tyler didn't need but still appreciates. Josh points to a small table with a mug on it. "I'll be over there if you need me."
Josh talking to him is necessary then, it's also necessary when Tyler caves and asks for help because he knows nothing about plants and doesn't know how to take care of them. Josh knows about plants.
He smiles and shows him one that reminds Tyler of a rose. "This one is a parva." Tyler stares more at Josh's fingers than the plant he's holding. His hands look tough, his knuckles are bruised.
"Pretty easy to take care of." He says. "Partial sunlight, water. That's really it." Tyler considers that he could probably survive on just water and sunlight.
Tyler buys the plant, subconsciously he names it after Josh. Its name is Joshie.
This isn't the last time he sees Josh. He wonders if buying the parva had heightened his chances of Josh liking him, he wonders if Josh finds him attractive or if there's another reason he pulls him into the staff only bathroom the second time he goes to home hardware.
Josh talking to him is not necessary now while he pushes down his jeans. It requires minimal effort, they fall and Josh kisses behind his ear and pulls on his hair as he unbuckles his belt. "You're pretty." Is something Tyler vaguely remembers hearing, he also vaguely remembers blushing but that's not important.
Josh touching him is necessary now as he bends him over the counter and fucks him there. Hips to his ass, chest to his back. Josh rocks, Josh is unforgiving and his cock is much bigger than Tyler was expecting. Tyler jerks himself off while Josh's hips snap, Josh holds him and covers his mouth when he hears a knock on the door.
"Who's in there?" Tyler's eyes widen.
Josh answers. "Just me." He rolls his hips, Tyler whimpers, forehead against ceramic, drool down his chin. "I got sick, I think I should go home after." He says next.
There's a clearing of snot, a sniff, a pat on the door. "Go home if you need to kid, you work too hard."
Josh's thrusts are shallow and paused as the man leaves. There's no movement until it's quiet, Tyler is still shivering, whimpering.
"Just my boss," Josh says, voice rough and Tyler, albeit being weak nods and scoots, pushing back, needing, wanting more. He can't remember the last time he got laid.
Hands around the tap, pulling, clenching, Josh fucks Tyler until they both reach orgasm. Josh's semen coats his thighs and Tyler can feel it inside of him, should've used a condom. He shudders and Josh helps him stand up when he realizes Tyler is still trembling, post orgasm.
Josh is pulling his pants up. "What's your name?"
"Tyler."
He smiles. "Come see me sometime."
Tyler kisses the side of his mouth and he leaves with two new plants.
*
He executes his 6th attempt on a Sunday, July 18th, with a sick stomach and a runny nose. He feels like throwing up, he can't stop coughing.
He wakes up, cries and kisses his own knuckles before sliding on slippers. His apartment looks crooked, he can't find one of his favorite sweaters.
He sets his succulents in a pot of water beside his window for preservation. Just because he's going to die doesn't mean they should.
He runs up to the roof of his apartment after he gets the key.
Getting access wasn't difficult, getting on his knees isn't a foreign concept especially for the landlord of the building.
He digs the key out of pockets and once he's on the roof, he falls to his knees, a break, he feels a snap. Stomach churning.
"Shit." He wipes his mouth.
He vomits all over himself, chokes, there's blood, on his clothes and on his poor excuse of a note. He cries.
Tyler cries and crawls over and sits in front of the door as he scratches at his arms.
Getting to the ledge proves difficult but when he gets there he stands on the ledge, stares at the horizon, he can't breathe, nothing is okay. Everything hurts, his stomach hurts the most, caving, concave, he cries more.
Tyler falls, plummets.
*
But Tyler wakes up in bed, sheets tangled around his legs.
First, he panics, he isn't dead. 6th try and he isn't dead. He remembers flying, he flew, he was a bird, graceful, he hit the ground. He died. Tyler died, no pulse, body broken, mangled. Tyler died.
Yet Tyler is not dead. Tyler is breathing, he can feel his joints, he can wiggle his fingers and toes. "What the fuck."
Was he dreaming? Tyler thinks that's what happened. His solution is that he dreamed the whole thing. That's why his phone says it's still Sunday the 18th. That's why he can't find his favorite sweater, that's why he's alive. He never tried.
His dream, he considers it a premonition. A prophecy.
He rolls out of bed and cries and Tyler gets on his knees again and swallows around his landlords cock, his own staying limp.
"Such a good boy." He says, he repeats it, a mantra. Over and over again until Tyler's lips are covered in come, he licks them, smiles, hand out.
"Keys."
He scoffs and passes them to him. "Have them back by the morning."
"That shouldn't be a problem." He'll be dead by morning, they'll pry the keys out of his pockets when they check his body.
*
He isn't dead, Tyler remembers getting to the roof, vomit, flying, cracking. He's awake.
He checks his phone. July 18th.
Tyler sobs.
*
Tyler tries again, flings himself off the roof. He jumps and his mouth still tastes like dick.
People stare from the ground, there's yelling. "Get down from there you drunk."
Tyler isn't drunk, he lets go.
He hits the ground and wakes up in his bed.
He isn't dead.
*
He swallows pills again, nothing happens this time. His mom doesn't walk in, his second set of keys isn't used and he swallows too many pills and chokes on his vomit.
It's still July 18th, he's still not dead.
This should work. The world tilts in front of him, his body tries to get the pills out. He vomits and there's blood and a few pills somehow live in the bile that's all over him. He cries and swallows them again, cheeks wet.
His organs shut off.
*
His body wakes him up, he's shivering. He's in bed. It's all the same. Where's his sweater? What day is it? July 19th? No it's July 18th.
Tyler screams. Tyler yells. Tyler cries.
He can't die. He needs to die.
Tyler calls his mom as he sits in his empty bath cradling his knees, his throat is raw. "Hello."
"Are you okay?" She knows he isn't, she still asks. Tyler only calls if something is wrong. He's done this before, he's used the same repeated lines. He needs help, he wants help, he's going to kill himself if he doesn't get help. Tyler doesn't want to kill himself, Tyler does want to kill himself. His mom doesn't want him to, Josh probably doesn't want him to.
Tyler would tell anyone that asks that he's not suicidal.
Denial.
Tyler is suicidal. His mom knows this, she isn't shocked when he rasps out a gentle."I can't die, mom."
He can hear her frown. "No, you can't sweetie. You're right, I'm proud of you."
She doesn't get it. He goes to talk, nothing comes out, words fail him. His mom talks. "You should come back to the house, Madison misses you."
Tyler sniffs, tears fall. His lip quivers. "Does she?"
"Yes, we both do. Come home, I'll make you some soup and we can talk about options."
*
Tyler doesn't go over, he goes to sleep that night. It's July 18th, he sleeps like a baby. His stomach hurts, he cries until his eyes close.
*
Day 16 he walks into traffic and cars honk and he gets hit and dies in a hospital bed and then wakes up on his own.
*
Day 17 he feels like shit.
And he goes out to starbucks and orders some gross fancy drink.
*
Day 18 he tries again and a knife ends up in his forearm and it's painful and there's blood and Tyler sobs as he bleeds out.
He didn't have much of a plan.
*
Day 19 he's exhausted, no scars decorate his arms. His body is intact, he sleeps until day 20.
*
Day 21 he dies.
*
Day 22, he wakes up, he checks his phone. It's fucking July 18th.
Tyler can't breathe. He pulls on layers, leggings than jeans, then sweaters, one, two and then three. He is warm. It's not cold outside but he's freezing.
He sees his landlord once he's on the ground floor, he's smoking a cigarette inside. Tyler wants to puke. His landlord sees, he says. "You owe me rent next week, I don't want to evict you but I will."
Tyler nods, he doesn't inhale through his nose. "Yeah, I know."
Tyler hasn't paid rent in a while, he lost his job a few weeks back when July 18th only lasted for 24 hours.
Landlord smiles. "You can come over tonight if you want."
"No thank you."
He leaves, shuffling his feet and for once tries to understand. It's July 18th, it's been July 18th for two weeks. He's tried to kill himself 13/14 of those days and he hasn't been successful but he has. He doesn't understand.
He doesn't know what to do. What if he does something different.
He ends up drinking at a bar down the street from his place. This is different. Girls grind and boys kiss and roll their hips and there's flirting and touching and there's sex in the bathroom stalls.
He pulls a boy in there with him, pretty eyes, an engagement ring. Tyler draws him in with pouty lips and soft skin, Tyler doesn't look like complete crap right now.
Toilet seat closed, Tyler pushes the man onto it, he pulls down his jeans and he says. "Let me ride you." He tries to be seductive if he's failing no one tells him.
And the man kisses him, he's gentle, he's going to be a married man after July 18th. Hand on the small of Tyler's back he pulls him into his lap.
Tyler fucks himself on his cock, bounces, he's not embarrassed as people filter in and out of the men's bathroom. There's a condom.
Clearly aware of the 4 legs, no one says anything.
He goes home, he cries, he limps, his stomach churns and he doesn't try to kill himself because really he won't die.
*
When Tyler wakes up and checks his phone, he groans and shuffles through drawers until he finds a pen and a notepad.
Nothing makes sense.
If he attempts suicide he wakes up alive.
If he doesn't attempt suicide he wakes up and it's the same day. Time doesn't move past July 18th.
He realizes this during his third week of repeating the same day, he realizes this as he plays the news two days in a row and nothing changes. The reporters talk about shootings and Donald Trump and then the Kardashians.
They say the same things.
Tyler is stuck, Tyler doesn't know how to get out.
He waters his plants, minimal sunlight. He thinks of Josh and pink hair and bathroom sinks.
He vomits blood.
*
Tyler realizes he can do anything he wants after a month of buildings and pills and blades and sex.
He can't die, he's not really living. This is limbo and he can't really go anywhere.
He has fun with it.
He tries to see how many times he can orgasm in one day.
It's boring even though it's a challenge.
On another July 18th,
He sees his sister, he sees his mom. His sister runs to him, hugs him so tight he starts to cry. Madison is younger than him, a pre-teen. She's tiny and has a tight grip, she's tough.
His mom makes him dinner, his dad is still not home. He's been gone for years though, Tyler wants to find him now, kill him. He wouldn't get in trouble and his dad wouldn't really be dead.
Over dinner his mom is predictable as she cuts into steak. "How are you?"
He's good. "I'm okay."
She nods, Tyler can see her rolling her tearful eyes. This is the answer he always has, to give her hope he says. "I'm looking for a new job."
He isn't. She smiles. "Where?"
"I was thinking Home Depot."
Madison picks at her mashed potatoes and blinks. "Work somewhere fun."
Tyler shrugs and stands up with his plate. "I'll have fun there."
They both smile.
*
Tyler does things and he dies and he doesn't die and he relives July 18th over and over and over again.
He drives out of Columbus, spends the money he has and goes to six flags. He doesn't really have friends, he's alone. He goes on a few roller coasters and he throws up a few times, he's not really sick. It's motion sickness, the roller coasters are too aggressive for his weak stomach.
He goes swimming, he skinny dips.
He rides his bike and crashes.
He blows all his money on cigarettes only to find all that money back in his account the next day.
He goes to some small shows, appreciates the local music scene he used to be a part of.
He throws up all the food he's eaten when he gets home.
He sleeps and sleeps and sleeps.
*
On a Sunday, because that is now the only day of the week, Tyler meets up with Brendon. Ex-Boyfriend, Junkie. He vaguely remembers their break up, he remembers a hand around his throat, he remembers drugs and lies and crying. He remembers sex and sex and cheating and unfair arguments. He remembers love and threesomes and sore thighs. Then addiction and suicidal thoughts.
He goes to Brendon's. Walking through his shitty apartment building hurts his stomach, he pauses against the wall before continuing past empty vending machines and fake plants.
He shivers and Tyler knocks on the door with a wad of cash in his pocket.
Brendon opens the door, Tyler hasn't seen him in a year. He's surprised he's not dead, he's more surprised by the soft expression on his face.
Brendon's lip quivers. "Tyler."
Deep breath, heart beating. "Hi."
There's silence, there's confusion and drawn eyebrows.
"You're alive," Brendon states like it's a fact. He seems surprised, Tyler certainly is. Tyler should be dead, he can't die. He can't fucking die.
"I can't die anymore." He says, it sounds dumb to say out loud. It sounds more optimistic than it truly is. He's being serious.
Brendon nods, coughing. "Right." He nods and lets Tyler in.
Fixing things with Brendon isn't why he came here. That's what Brendon's trying to do as he sits on the couch and shuts the blind. Words are a struggle, he looks like crap. Tyler doesn't. Tyler is smiling, nostalgic. This used to be his apartment too.
Brendon's scratching the back of his head before he starts rolling a joint. "I'm sorry."
Silence.
"I know I messed up, we were both not doing good." Tyler thinks that's the understatement of the year. "I feel really fucking bad, I missed you a lot."
And then. "But we weren't good for each other."
Tyler sits down properly, digesting information. He squints. "We weren't good for each other."
They fed each other's drug addictions and suicidal tendencies. Of course they weren't good for each other. Brendon had Tyler out on the streets selling coke so they could pay rent, Tyler thinks it's a miracle that he never got arrested.
Brendon is smoking, letting ash fall on his chest. He sighs. "I still love you."
Tyler digests this too, he curls in on himself, stares at Brendon.
And then he's crying, sobbing and Brendon sets his blunt in an ashtray and wraps his arms around him in a heartbeat. Holds him just like he used to, the smell of pine and weed surrounding him. It's safe and Tyler can't stop crying. Brendon's changed, he considers this, he doesn't consider dating him again but he considers accepting the apology even after all the shit Brendon put him through.
"I know apologies don't change what happened." He says, Tyler nods against his chest. Shaking, Brendon squeezes him tighter. "But I am sorry, you didn't deserve that. I ruined you, it's my fault. You're beautiful and talented and I fucked up your entire life."
Tyler remembers a time where he was apart of the local music scene and then he met Brendon and then he was selling his ukulele and then his piano and then he was making deals with the devil.
Tyler sighs. "It's okay now."
Brendon shakes his head. "No, it's not."
Closure feels better than he thought.
*
Tyler tries something different, he stays awake until 12 am. He stares at his phone at 11:59 and he watches it until it his 12.
He doesn't even see it hit 12 am because then he wakes up and it's 9am and it's July 18th.
"Well fuck."
*
It gets boring after awhile, and it shouldn't be.
He's done everything, he even tried to have sex with a girl. He couldn't even get hard so she just set him up with her brother instead. He doesn't even know why he tried.
He's had time to watch every single movie playing in the movie theatre.
Tyler has basically done everything he could ever want to do with his budget and time limit of 24 hours.
But now he wants to die again but suicide is useless when you can't actually die. It's just pain, it's nothing. Nothing changes, he just wakes up with sore arms or a sore body.
He hasn't even felt suicidal, he's been feeling his depression more than ever as he begun nearing the three-month mark of July 18th.
He's bored. It's boring now. He's over it, he wants this over with.
He visits his mom again.
*
She's surprised to see him at the door, more surprised when he walks right in and is pulling at his hair. "Tyler?"
Tyler falls onto the living room couch. "This is shit."
There's no scolding when he swears, she still hasn't caught up with him in the living room. Madison runs down the stairs though and Tyler smiles as she sits beside him to give him a hug.
His mom comes in, confused. "Are you alright honey?"
He sighs. "No."
"What's wrong?" Secretly Tyler knows she's happy that he's coming to her for help.
"You'll think I'm crazy."
She shakes her head and sits across from him not bothering to tell Madison to leave the room. "I won't."
She will but Tyler sighs. "It's July 18th."
"That is the date."
He rolls his eyes. "It's been July 18th for 3 months."
Confusion draws on her face, Tyler nearly laughs. Instead, he starts crying, barely feeling as Madison runs upstairs and his mom scoots in beside him.
"What do you mean?"
"I-i, I swear to god. I've been living the same day over and over again for months."
She goes to talk, Tyler shakes his head. "Don't say anything. Just, I can't deal with it anymore. It was fun at first, but now it's not. It sucks, I can't move on. I can't go anywhere, everything is the same. It's so fucking boring."
She doesn't say anything, she just hugs him and Tyler just cries.
*
He visits Brendon again, tells him the same thing and Brendon apologizes to him again and offers him coke and his dick.
Tyler figures he might as well get his mind off of it.
Brendon still kisses the same, coke still makes him feel the same. He's floating, sex is better, even when Brendon gets a nose bleed. Even when Brendon has him against the couch, fucking him without care, even when Brendon spits in his mouth and calls him a good boy.
Tyler likes it. Tyler falls asleep at Brendon's, he wakes up at his house, in his bed. Unsatisfied.
He pukes.
*
He waters his succulents when he wakes up after another week of being bored, he pulls on fresh clothes and then he just sits and he tries to figure it out.
His 6th suicide attempt. Jumping off the roof, his landlord.
Nothing, he finds nothing.
He goes further back.
July 17th, crying, marathoning movies on netflix.
July 16th, Home Depot.
Succulents.
Noose.
Josh.
Josh.
Josh.
Josh.
He remembers Josh, perfect teeth, pretty hands, big dick. Josh.
The Josh who fucked him over the sink.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Probably.
Yeah.
*
Josh's hair is still the pink of July 18th, Josh is still pretty, Josh is still drinking coffee and Josh is still working in the garden section.
Tyler doesn't have the guts and as he walks through the Home Depot, avoiding all aisles, his one goal the outdoor gardening section. He feels sick, stomach shriveling up, he tastes blood.
If Tyler's right about this Josh will also taste blood.
He's mad, he wants to cry, when he sees Josh as he turns a corner he falls to the floor and starts crying. "Shit."
Josh sees him, obviously, he runs over, worry clear on his face. "Tyler?"
Tyler doesn't remember telling him his name but he nods and Josh holds his arm and hoists him up. His legs want to give up on him. Josh pulls him against his chest and lets him cry.
*
Tyler wakes up, he's not in his bed. It's still July 18th, he can fucking feel it.
He's not in his bed, he's on a couch. His neck hurts, he rolls it out as he blinks his eyes open. He spots a fridge and a coffee pot and yeah, he's still in home hardware and Josh is sitting in front of him. He doesn't look concerned, he looks annoyed, his brows are drawn together.
Josh sighs, the first thing he says. "It took you four fucking months. You're an idiot."
Drowsy, confused, Tyler scoffs. "Excuse me?"
"It's July 18th." Josh says this slowly like Tyler needs a reminder.
Tyler groans in realization, nothing clicks. "It's fucking July 18th." And then. "And tomorrow is July 18th and shit, yesterday was also July 18th."
Josh nods. "Yeah, I know."
Tyler seriously considers punching him, he's not sure how hard of a hit he could manage though. Josh knows, Josh knows. But does he really? Tyler knew it.
Tyler does jump at him, Josh shoves him back on the couch just as fast. It's useless, Josh is untouchable and not an idiot. He's far from gullible.
Crying doesn't seem like a good option right now, so Tyler just stares and they're both quiet. Tyler comes to a conclusion as they sit in silence and his conclusion is to blame Josh, it's definitely his fault. Silence seems nice, Tyler has too many questions though. Tyler wants to grill Josh with questions. It's hard to stay calm when you're finally going to be free.
"You know?" He says finally.
Josh nods, rubbing his hands together. "Every day is July 18th."
Okay, yeah. Josh knows, why he knows? Tyler isn't sure. Tyler's veins are on fire as he stares at Josh, seething.
"Do you want to explain?" Tyler needs this.
Josh hums, nodding, he readjusts himself. Looks at Tyler likes he's passing on valuable information. "We had sex." Tyler remembers.
Anger is replaced with anticipation. He wants this to be over.
"Yeah, i'm aware."
"I came inside of you." Tyler shivers.
And he remembers that too, he also remembers the awkward shower he had that night. He nods.
"And then on July 18th, two days later. It started."
Raising an eyebrow. "How would you know that?"
"Because that's how it works. I plant the seed, two days later you're stuck."
Tyler wants to jump at him again, but Josh is much stronger than him. There's no question about it. Tyler makes fists instead.
Josh continues as he leans back in his cheap plastic chair. "I was stuck on July 16th for a month before you came along."
"W-what?" This catches Tyler's attention, his fingers curl. "You're not stuck anymore?"
He grins, clearly proud. "No, because I figured it out. I did exactly what you did, I figured it out."
Tyler nods tries to be calm. "So I figured it out?"
Josh shrugs, picking at his lips. "You came back to the source."
"Sleeping with me." His smile is amusing, Tyler would want to kiss him right now if he wasn't so angry.
"You fucking." Tyler can't even find words, he's defeated. "You did this to me."
There's no guilt in Josh's words. "I did."
"It's easy to get rid of though, you shouldn't have an issue finding someone to have sex with." This is clearly what makes Josh feel better, it's easy to get rid of. That doesn't matter right now.
"Sex." Tyler repeats, confused. He's had sex, lots of it during July 18th.
Josh raises an eyebrow, Tyler feels stupid. "Okay, I don't want to call this weird limbo thing a disease. Think of it more like an std though. You have sex, you come inside of someone. Their infected, they have to deal with it, they have to find someone and get rid of it." He never came inside anyone.
Tyler doesn't think it makes much sense, this is some alien type shit.
He repeats what he understands. "So if I find a guy or a girl and I come inside of them. I'm free."
"Yeah, if you don't it's July 18th forever dude." That's the last thing Tyler wants to hear. He doesn't want to ever live through another July 18th again, not this year anyways.
"Who uh-"
"One night stand." Josh says, standing up. "I don't recommend someone who won't be able to find you easily."
Tyler can already feel how guilty he's going to feel if he does this.
He frowns. "Why couldn't you have just told me, like after we-"
Josh shrugs. He doesn't give a reason, maybe he doesn't have one. Maybe he just hates Tyler so much he figured he didn't deserve to know. Tyler will tell the person he sleeps with. Tyler will tell them and apologize profusely and he'll cry and feel like shit. Tyler won't do what Josh did.
Tyler doesn't even realize he's started crying until Josh crouches down in front of him.
"Are you okay?" Josh asks, eyes having finally gone soft as he stares at Tyler.
Tyler nods slowly, gripping Josh's arm to help him stand up. He blinks and without thinking, he hugs Josh.
Taken aback Josh still hugs him, squeezes him, kisses his forehead. "Come see me sometime yeah? Buy some more plants."
Tyler still has questions, he'll ask them later.
*
He finds someone that night, he goes to a bar, he sees that man with an engagement ring making out with a girl, maybe it's his fiancée. Tyler guesses that's not the case.
He finds a boy with brown hair and pretty hazel eyes. Guilt eats at him, Tyler can't breathe as he invites him to his place to talk.
Tyler can't breathe as he kisses him and pushes him against his bed. He smiles. "You're so hot." He says, consolation for when everything goes to shit.
And Tyler fucks him nice and slow and he wants to cry when the man tells him he doesn't need to wear a condom, their both clean.
Tyler isn't clean technically, Tyler's about to ruin his life.
And he wants to cry when they kiss again and Tyler thinks of Josh.
And he does cry when he touches hips and comes inside of a man who is undeserving of having to live through July 20th for however long it takes for him to figure it out. Tyler hopes his upcoming note makes enough sense.
Tyler stays the night, it's 11 pm on July 18th. He hopes this works.
He writes what he needs to on a notepad he finds in the guy's kitchen.
This is going to sound confusing, I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry. July 18th sucks, but July 20th will suck more for you. on July 20th you'll hate me, you'll hate me but don't try and find me. just have sex, come inside someone and you're free. I'm sorry.
-tyler
He grimaces as he re-reads his poor excuse of a letter.
By the time he gets home it's 12:01, July 19th.
He cries and sleeps the best he has in months.
*
July 19th Tyler decides to get his life together, things are moving now. He's not stuck, what he does matters. He realizes this now, he can't spend his money on shitty things.
He doesn't do anything when he wakes up though if anything he cries in relief as he checks his phone and it reads July 19th.
On July 20th Tyler visits his mom and Madison and he tells them he loves them and he cries and they cry and he's never felt this close to his family. Madison drags him to her room to play Mario kart and he helps his mom make supper and he's happy. He's so happy.
His mom is confused, she asks. "Are you okay?" On too many occasions and Tyler understands. Because it doesn't make sense, it's only been a week since she's seen him but for him, it's been months since he's really seen her. He just kisses her cheeks and tells her that he loves her and Madison and he'll visit more often.
Nothing makes sense to outsiders but Josh would understand. He'll, visit him after though.
Because first he visits Brendon, gives him closure. Hugs him, tells him he accepts his apology and that he wishes him the best. Brendon cries, it's expected, Tyler cries too. It's also expected.
Tyler's been crying a lot lately but it's not because he wants to die. He really doesn't want to die right now, he wants to live and he feels like he had been taking that for granted.
He leaves Brendon's and then goes home and he sleeps.
And he sleeps and he dreams of Josh and July 18th and life.
*
He ends up pulling himself together. He starts talking to Josh like a normal person, Josh gets him a job at home depot in the gardening section.
Tyler buys more plants for his apartment and he names them with the help of Josh.
It turns out that Josh's experience with July 16th is very different from his experience with July 18th.
"It was fun." He says as they water the plants at work. "I didn't really need to go to work, I had no obligations. At first, I freaked out, it took me a few days to realize I was repeating the same day over and over again. I thought I was going crazy."
Tyler understands, he holds Josh's hand and Josh puts down the water canister. "I did a lot of stuff I never thought I'd do, did a lot of stuff on my bucket list."
"Like?"
Josh smiles. "Skydiving. Which sounds really basic but flying without the chance of death seemed fun."
Tyler remembers flying, plummeting. He never wants that again. He nods and he doesn't speak a word.
Josh squeezes his hand. "What about you?"
He shrugs. "Nothing special."
Josh doesn't push it.
*
Tyler starts paying his rent again. His landlord is happy and stops threatening to evict him.
*
Working at home depot is better than expected.
Josh picks him up every morning and drops him off after their shift.
They have the same schedule.
*
Tyler's house slowly becomes Josh's second home, he's there all the time. Tyler feels safe, he doesn't feel like he's suffocating, he doesn't need to think about how many times he's technically died inside these walls.
The first time Josh had come over was because Tyler called him in the middle of the night, crying, repeating. "Josh please." Until Josh came over, they were barely friends. Josh still came over and Tyler held his knees to his chest and cried as Josh rubbed his back told him that it wasn't July 18th. It's not July 18th, it's September 3rd.
And now Josh practically lives there, Tyler's even given him the wifi password which he usually, selfishly, keeps to himself.
Tonight Josh is on his phone while Tyler watches a marathon of harry potter. He feels better, nostalgic as he watches the 3rd movie. He feels better because Josh is there though.
To make Josh aware that Tyler needs him, wants him present, he holds his hand and kisses his knuckles. It's nothing special, an innocent display of affection but Tyler swears he sees Josh blush.
He blushes too but catching Josh blush makes his heart burst.
*
Tyler's head rests in Josh's lap. "I hope that boy is okay."
Tyler worries about him a lot, he hopes he's no longer on July 20th.
Josh smiles. "You're cute, i'm sure he's fine."
Josh has the tendency to brush things off too quickly. Tyler has learnt that about him and it becomes more and more obvious as they spend time together, that doesn't make him like him any less though.
The quiet is back and Tyler wants to kiss Josh, he looks pretty from hows he's lying down. His hair is no longer vibrant, it's a faded pink. Tyler wants to tangle his fingers through it.
When Josh laughs, Tyler sits up. He says. "I want to try something."
Raising an eyebrow. Josh doesn't protest, he encourages him, his eyes sparkle. "Okay."
Tyler sighs, face burning as he pushes the pillow he had his head on off of Josh's lap. Josh blinks and his eyes widen as Tyler sits in his lap. Tyler smiles. "Hi."
And then he kisses him, Josh is somehow expecting it. Somehow he knew Tyler's plan and somehow he ended up being more prepared than Tyler was. It's slow, fingers dust against skin, tongues explore, Tyler nibbles on Josh's bottom lip and Tyler whimpers when Josh flips them and presses Tyler to the couch.
Josh smiles. "Hey."
*
Tyler avoids talking about July 18th, he ignores that he attempted and technically succeeded at suicide over 20 times. He ignores all that bad decisions he made, he ignores that no one knows or remembers everything that happened to him except for him.
He ignores that the only reason he's alive is because he was horny and let Josh fuck him over the bathroom sink.
He ignores everything and when Josh asks him about it with careful touches to his shoulder, curiously. Tyler shakes his head. "It was bad. That's all." It's his only answer.
And it shuts Josh up and encourages him to sleepover at Tyler's and cuddle him until he falls asleep.
*
In October for Halloween Tyler dresses up as Josh and Josh dresses up as him.
It's dumb and Tyler's once brown hair is not tinted to an ugly pink while Josh has gone back to his natural color which makes him more emotional than he'd ever admit.
They wear each others clothes and Josh draws on Tyler's new tattoos.
At Josh's house, Tyler falls to his knees and pushes down Josh's pants all while laughing. "If I'm you and you're also you, can this be considered masturbation."
Josh calls him dumb and kisses that silly smile off of his lips and then Tyler sucks him off.
*
The I love you's are said in bed as Josh kisses down Tyler's stomach that is no longer concave. He looks healthy now, his skin is soft. He's taking care of himself, that much of obvious.
He presses his nose to Tyler's hips and Tyler sighs as his eyes closed. "I love you."
There's no time for regret because Josh's lips are on his in an instant.
"I love you too."
Tyler has never felt more loved during sex, Josh is gentle, soft. This is nothing like the bathroom, this is different. Josh loves him.
*
In December Josh meets Tyler's mom and Madison.
Tyler is sure Madison and his mom like Josh more than they like him.
*
January is rough, it's a new year and Tyler cries as Josh cuddles him. Arms wrapped around his waist kisses pressed to his neck. Josh is really good at holding him, Josh is a really good boyfriend and Tyler loves him.
He tells him everything. "On July 18th for the first 3 weeks, I basically committed suicide every day."
He's crying, Josh cries too and flattens his hair and he doesn't let go of him as he spills his guts. Letting go of Tyler scares him, Josh not holding him scares Tyler.
Tyler wipes his eyes. "I kept dying and just coming back and it-i- i."
"Shhhh." Josh hushes him and pulls him closer. "Baby, it's over now." And Josh is crying too, he's saying he's sorry. He's so sorry, he didn't know. Tyler doesn't know why he's sorry though, Josh saved his life.
*
By July they live together, Tyler's back in school, studying physiology and Josh is now the manager at home depot. Tyler is happy, Tyler doesn't remember July 18th.
They don't talk about it.
*
On July 18th one year later though, Tyler cries a lot and Josh kisses him and plays with his hair.
And says. "I'm so lucky."