Chapter Text
Do you ever feel this deep mournful sadness and don't know why? Like everyone around you is dead and you're just wondering the world alone? No? Well, maybe it's me. Maybe it's just my life, Maybe it's the curse of being Dean Winchester.
My brother was the only person I had left. He died. I went back to an old girlfriend and her kid. I want to be present with them. I want to care, but I don't. At least not about them. They're not him. They're not Sam. Nothing in life matters without him.
Maybe tomorrow I'll finally have the courage to drive Baby off that cliff about five miles from the house. But then again why should I take her with me. She doesn't deserve that.
Day after day the void in my soul deepens. Without him I'm a shadow of myself. I don't care if a vampire finds me so long as he kills me. I don't care so long as the breath leaves my body and I don't have to feel this way anymore. I lost more than just my brother when I lost Sam. He was so much more than that. He was my strength when we lost Dad. He was my rock through all the death and destruction. He was the only love I'd ever known.
Fuck, I probably shouldn't have said that. But I did, it's out there. I'm the sick bastard that was in love with my brother, but he loved me too and somehow that made it okay. It made it easier to handle those feelings when Sam kissed me for the first time. He was twelve and just a starry eyed kid. I thought he was just confused because he looked up to me, but it wasn't like that. Sammy proved it about a year later when he shoved his hand up the leg of my shorts one night while we were at a hotel waiting for Dad to come home from a hunt.
Maybe that's why it hurts so fucking bad. I don't know. I just don't know how much longer I can pretend that I'm okay. I'm not okay and I haven't been since Sammy managed to defy Lucifer and stop the apocalypse. The apocalypse couldn't have been as bad as this.