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When you're born, you are met with harsh lights and even harsher voices. As your eyes get used to everything, your first sounds explode from your mouth. People talk about how bright the world is; how beautiful the colors are; how certain sights can make you cry just by seeing them but, what happens when you can't see any of it?
Upon opening his eyes for the first time, Jongdae was greeted with different shades of black and greys. Thinking it was a normal thing, he never told anyone about it until years later in elementary school.
Is it normal to only see black and grey? That question ran through his mind for weeks until he finally voiced the concern to his parents. Laughing, they brushed it off as a "kids being kids" question. Pouting, he kept all his other questions to himself and walked away.
Over time, his life became dull. He was tired of people always talking about how beautiful everything was. How vibrant the colors of the world are. Not being able to understand any of their conversations, he began to grow a lump of frustration in his heart.
Years went by and he still couldn't see the beauty everyone talked about. All he wanted was to see those same colors his friends saw. Deciding to ask his parents once again, he busted into their room. Jongdae was met with shocked glances and silence. Expressing his frustrations to them was time consuming. Even after all the tears he shed, the language he used; he was once again told that he was normal.
‘You don’t always see the beauty in things till you see the beauty in yourself first ’. His dad would quote time and time again. No matter how many times that line ran in his head, Jongdae couldn’t understand it. He liked his personality. Other people like it as well. So what does it mean to find the ‘beauty in yourself first”?
After years of asking himself that question, he gave up on trying to find an answer.
Tenth grade was the first time he went against his calm demeanor and cracked in public.
“I don’t get it! What do you guys mean about 'seeing colors'?! I don’t see anything but, leaves and water!” Jongdae practically screamed at the top of his lungs towards his group of friends.
They were taken back by the change in his attitude. Even the other tables looked towards the group sitting off in the corner of the cafetiera.
“Dude. Calm down. All we are saying is look at how nice the colors in this photo are. You don’t have to get mad over that and make Chanyeol feel bad about it.”
Jongdae shot a quick glance at the pouting boy and looked back at the table.
“Listen. You guys don’t underst-”
“No, you don’t understand! I’m sorry Jongdae but, I’ve been your friend for years and you’ve always had this really shitty aura about you whenever me or someone else brings up the word “beautiful” or anything along those lines. It’s not our fault if you can’t see the beauty that everyone else sees!”
After Junmyeon’s outburst, the lunch room was at a standstill. Now everyone's’ attending was on Jongdae. He didn’t know how to react to his comment.
Junmyeon has been his best friend since they met in middle school. He was always the level headed person in the group and would never say anything like that to him. Until know that is. As he kept staring at Junmyeon, tears started to prickle in the corners of his eyes, he went to grab his backpack but, not before launching an attack towards his friend.
Charging at him full force, Jongdae tackled Junmyeon and pinned him to the ground. Tears where spilling out his eyes and hitting his friend right in the face. No one dared stop him. Looking down at his friend, Jongdae opened his mouth but, all that came out was a choked sob.
Staring at the hovering boy above him in shock, Junmyeon didn’t noticing how vulnerable Jongdae actually was. Opening his mouth, Junmyeon started to talk once again.
“How about you stop this and grow up.”
That was the last straw. Jongdae felt like he blacked out. Swing his fist down, he was met with the flesh of his friend. He felt a fist hit him in the face and gasped.
Stumbling back a little, he saw Junmyeon charge at him. Fist started to fly as kids cheered them on. Their friends noticed that the situation was getting worse and stepped in to stop the fight.
Two of them held him back while the others went to stop Junmyeon.
“Like I said, Jongdae. Grow the fuck up. Stop with this pity party shit!”
“Fuck you! Fuck all of you! The only beautiful colors I see are black and white with hints of greys! Why does everyone keep talking about how the world is a beautiful place?!”
By now, Jongdae was looking around at everyone. He was having an inner turmoil with himself and couldn’t focus on anything but, his rage.
Looking back at Junmyeon, he continued.
“Everything looks exactly the same! Nothing changes in my life but, the seasons and even then I barely know if they are changing! So fuck you guys with your ‘beauty’ bullshit!"
Pushing his friends away, he ran out the cafeteria side doors. He couldn’t hear the yells nor the feet that were following him. All he could hear was his own heartbeat and all the thoughts that pledged his mind.
He didn’t stop running till he hit the the outside bleachers. As he slowed his pace down, Jongdae went to hide behind the furthest one.
Trying to calm down his breathing, he sat on the grass and started to think. Think about everything he said. Everything he did. He regretted it all. Junmyeon didn’t deserve that. As he thought more about what he said. He began to cry once again.
It wasn’t tears of frustration this time. The tears were years of pent up sadness. All he wanted was to understand why the world was beautiful. Why everyone said it was full of life and color. He just wanted to be like everyone else. Is that too much to ask?
“Hey, use this to dry your eyes.”
Jongdae’s tears came to a complete stop as he looked towards the figure with the soft voice. On instinct, he flinched away from the sweater that was being held in front of his face. As he flinched away, he hit his head on the metal pole between the rafters.
“Are you okay? Try not to move much. You might exhaust yourself more.”
The figure went to crouch in front of him. Looking up, he could see his face a little bit better. He knew he recognized him from somewhere but, couldn’t pinpoint were.
“Why are you underneath here?” Jongdae asked without breaking eye contact.
Smiling, the figure rubbed the back of his head and laughed lightly.
“If I tell you, you’d think it is a stupid reason.”
“Shoot.”
Laughing even harder, the figure sat back down and sighed when the laughter died out.
“There’s too much light outside. Not sunlight though. More like.. Colors. It hurts my eyes to see all these colors so I needed a break from it. Hence why I’m under the bleachers. It’s dark enough down here that I don’t feel too overwhelmed.”
Jongdae just continued to stare. He didn’t know how to reply.
“See? I told you it was stupid.”
“No.”
“No?”
Clearing his throat, Jongdae continued.
“No. It’s not stupid at all. But.. I was told that colors are beautiful. Why wouldn’t you want to see them?”
Staring at Jongdae, the boy shook his head and laid down. Jongdae soon followed suit. Keeping enough distance between them, he embraced the silence that the other provided.
They laid there in silence for what seemed like hours. Realizing this, Jongdae abruptly shot up and turned towards the boy whose eyes were now closed.
“I apologize if I upset you in any way! I didn’t mean to. Sometimes I speak without thinking. So if I brought up someth-”
“Calm down. It’s fine, man. I just didn’t know how to reply that’s all. Let me try to explain. Seeing colors isn’t as great as people think it is. Yeah, it’s beautiful for awhile but, sometimes you just want to get away from it. You want your own peace without seeing everyone else. I doubt I’m making sense but, that’s how I feel. So when I come here or somewhere with dark lights, I feel like myself for once.”
“Do you feel lonely? Being the only one to see colors so clearly?”
Finally sitting up, the boy looked at Jongdae with a longness in his eyes.
“Tell me, Jongdae. Do you feel lonely not being able to see the color I see?”
Gasping at the boy in front of him, Jongdae was taken back by the sudden question. He doubts the kid was in the lunchroom during the incident. So how does he know what him not being able to see colors? How does he even know his name?
“I know your name because we have class together. You just don’t notice me since I sit to the left of you.”
“Wait, how did you know what I was thinking?”
“You said it outloud and to answer your other question, I know you can’t see colors because I notice how you look at everyone. You have a distant look. I doubt anyone catches it though because you hide it very fast. By the way, my name is Baekhyun. Nice to official meet you, Jongdae.”
Baekhyun stretched his hand out towards Jongdae. Looking down, he was torn if he should acknowledge him or leave him there. He sounded like he was stalking him but, glancing back at the smiling boy, Jongdae saw something he has never seen before.
There was a flickering light around Baekhyun that seemed inviting. Taking that as a push, he shook his hand and smiled for the first time that day.
“It’s nice to meet you, Baekhyun.”