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The youngest mercenary looked at the nearly empty dining table. It was 6:00 am and the only ones present for breakfast were the Pyro, the Demoman, and himself. It was Demo’s turn to cook, but a rule made among the team was that breakfast was not to be made (so that way no one snuck anything without it being completely cooked yet) until everyone was present. He waited a few more beats before he decided to speak up.
"Alright, what da HELL is goin' on here?" Demo stared at the younger man as he took a swig of his alcohol and replied after
"What do ye mean, laddie?"
"What do I mean? Demo, da table's practically fricken' empty! Where da hell is everybody?!" The older man stared at the Scout in disbelief as he said
"The hell ye talkin' about? Asking where everyone is...Scout, laddie, what day was yesterday?" The younger man pondered the question for a moment before he finally answered
"Wednesday?" Then, both the Boston's and Scotsman's attention was caught with a slapping sound. Pyro visually looked at the man in disbelief and had a hand cupping the side of his face.
"Mmmmo, mmmout, Mmmmmt mmmas mmmalentine's mmmay!"
"Aye, right ye are!" The Demoman said, praising his fellow mercenary.
"What da hell did Py say?" Scout asked a bit annoyed that the firebug had gotten what the Demoman was implying and he did not.
"Said it was Valentine's Day, yesterday." Demo replied. The Scout thought about the fact, and failed to see the significance in it
"Yeah, so?" The younger man asked. Demo took another swig, and then chuckled.
"Lad, what do couples do on Valentine's night?" The Demo asked, while making suggestive motions with his hands. The Scout's eyes widened and his face darkened in color as he had realized what the other man had been implying.
"Oh." He said slightly embarrassed. A minute or two had passed, and then the Scout had thought of an idea. A sneaky grin slowly came crawling on his face.
"Ey Demo, how much cash ya got on ya?" The older man eyed the other in a curious yet suspicious manner as he asked
"...Why do ye want to know?" The grin plastered on the younger mercenary's face only grew as he said
"What if, hypothetically speaking, we were to...make a bet on who gives it, and who takes it...if ya know what I mean?" He then proceeded to move his eyebrows up and down in a suggestive fashion. The Demoman's face grew a smile of its own as the older man replied
"Oh, I know exactly what ye mean, lad." The two then dug their wallets out of their pockets, and proceeded to set them on the table.
"How much ya got?" The younger man asked
"Not much...about $61, give 'er take...and ye?"
"Ehhh...'bout $76...$20 for each we get correct?"
"Deal." However, as soon as the word left the Scotsman's mouth, a rubber glove came down and placed a few different colored broken crayons, two paper clips, and a coupon in the pile with the men's money. The two men looked off to the side, and saw that Pyro was looking at them.
"Mmm mmmant mmo mmmay mmoo!" The younger man smiled at the Pyro and said
"Sure thing, Py."
"Alright, who we bettin' on first then?"
"Hard hat and Solider, duh...who ya thinkin' takes it? My vote's on hard hat." The older man stared at the other mercenary in utter shock.
"Lad, I know Solider can be a wee bit aggressive at times, but he's not too...experienced when it comes to that sort of thing."
"Oh ho, ho, and how exactly would ya know dat?" The Demo only grew impatient.
"Because I'm his best mate...now get yer head out of the gutter! My money's on Solly."
"Mmmmm mmmith mmmout mmmn mmmhis mmmmne!" Mumbled Pyro.
"See? Py's got good taste...alright it's Doc and Heavy next."
"Aye...me money's on Doc." The Demoman said. He then proceeded to drink out of his bottle. The younger man, however, thought about it a moment before he said
"Dat's fair, I can see where yer gettin' dat....but I gotta go with the big guy here." Demo nearly choked on his drink.
" M' sorry, but, for a second there, I thought ye just implied that Heavy-big bear of a man, whose title is literally HEAVY-takes it from behind…am I hearin’ that right, lad?” The Scout only nodded in response.
“Yup. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out, man. We all know what the Doc is like…he’s probably into some weirdass kinky shit or whatever…never know when it comes to Doc…poor big guy’s just a victim of it.” He concluded as he shrugged his shoulders up and down.
“What do ye think, Py?” the older mercenary asked.
“Mmmm mmmmhink mmmave mmmmo mmmo mmmith mmmmemo mmmmere…” replied the Pyro.
“Aw, what? Come on, Py, I thought ya had good taste! Alright fine, be dat way.” The Scout said with mock anger.
“Last one’s Sniper and the Spook, aye?” the Demo asked.
“Yeah, dat’s right.” The younger man said. There was a few beats of silence as the three proceeded to look back and forth at one another with the same bored expression plastered on their faces.
“Spy.” The three said in unison.
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About 45 minutes had passed after the bet was made. In that time, the Demoman had finished his bottle of alcohol, and began preparing breakfast for himself and the other two mercenaries. Scout and Pyro had offered to help, but the Demoman insisted it was alright. It wasn’t until the Scout was finishing up his last bite that the three heard thumping from upstairs. Scout had immediately sat up straight as he gripped the edge of the table. Demo and Pyro had stopped what they were doing altogether. The three looked towards the direction of the stairs with anxious eyes. Suddenly, the Solider was flying down the stairs screaming
“RISE AND SHINE, LADIES!” The Scout had the biggest grin on his face as he looked over at Demo whose jaw dropped in the most shocked fashion. It took a few moments of Solider standing and shouting there in nothing but a pair of boxers, and a tank top to make Demo consider that Scout might have had been right. He was almost ninety nine percent sure when Solider had plopped down in the seat next to Pyro, clearly not experiencing any pain when he did so. Demo then met Scout’s eyes, who were nothing but smugness. The Demoman furrowed his eyebrows as he took the next few moments to gather the courage to ask the military man a few questions.
“Solly, mate…” he began carefully. The Soldier’s head turned towards the Scotsman.
“Are ye…feeling alright?” he asked. Solider gave his friend a puzzled look as he replied
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAGGOT? I FEEL GREAT! BETTER THAN EVER IN FACT!” the American said with a large grin as he flexed. Demo couldn’t help but laugh a bit as he asked, teasingly
“Oh? And why’s that, mate?” Soldier’s face then turned a bright shade of red as he cleared his throat and replied in a shier tone
“That information is classified.”
“Right, right!” the Scout said, cutting into the conversation.
“Da only person ya ever tell anythin’ to is…ay, where is hard hat, anyways?” the younger man asked slowly, with a giant and smug grin as he looked Demo directly in the eyes. Oh, that sly bastard. The Solider had then cleared his throat, nervously.
“That maggot was not ready to face the day quite yet…so I left him how he was, until he is ready to face today’s battle like a man.”
“Interestin’…so what yer tellin’ me, Sol, is dat ya left hardhat to sleep in?” Scout asked, still smug.
“Affermative.” The Solider replied quietly, as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“Wow, Solly…ya never let anyone sleep in…not even Demo when he had that MASSIVE hang over.” Demo himself proceeded to glare at the younger man.
“Aye, it is…quite a surprise, laddie…” The Solider then nervously cleared his throat once more as he avoided looking at the other two.
“I felt that it was appropriate to make an exception so this way he would not jeopardize today’s mission.” He claimed. The Demo, at this point had accepted that he had lost this round as he stared at the youngest mercenary in defeat…but he also reminded himself that it wasn’t over just yet. He then made breakfast for the Solider, who took it and ate gratefully.
About another 12 minutes had passed as the four mercenaries heard footsteps approaching the room, and it sounded like more than just one person was trotting about. Three of the four looked in the direction of the steps eagerly, however the Solider failed to see the significance of the excitement. The three then watched as the Medic and the Heavy entered the room together…the former looking extremely pissed off, and the latter looking extremely guilty. They continued to watch as the Heavy held the Medic’s hand and helped him sit down in his chair as the Medic clearly experienced pain doing so. He then looked around the room as he had rubbed his temples in an annoyed fashion.
“GOOD MORNING, DOC!” the Soldier’s voice boomed. The Heavy gave the other man a death glare, which was all it took for the military man to shut up.
“Is Doctor alright?” the Russian asked in an extremely hushed tone.
“Ja, ja, I’m fine, mein liebling…danke.” The doctor replied. The Russian then nodded in Demo’s direction. Demo got the hint- make the doc some breakfast, which he did…but not before giving Scout an egotistical grin. The younger mercenary glared at the Demoman. He wasn’t about to give up just yet.
“So, Doc, ya seem real outta it this mornin’ man…did somethin’ happen, like an accident in da lab, orrrrr…?” Heavy looked between his lover and the younger man with a worried and cautious look.
“Doctor…just had long night was all…did not get good sleep.” This answer, however, did not satisfy Scout.
“Alright, yeah, but when ya say ‘long night’, ya mean like he was workin’ or talkin’ to his birds, or? Come on, big guy, gimmie a little more to work with, here!” Heavy was clearly growing impatient, however still tried to keep his cool as he responded
“Is not something to discuss with tiny man.”
“Come on, big guy! Can’t ya just gimmie a little hint or somethin’?”
“Heavy is growing impatient with little Scout.”
“Heavy, can’t ya just- “
“нет! Little Scout cannot just- “
“HEAVY TOPPED ME!” Suddenly all eyes were on the doctor as he glared at his lover and the boy. The room was dead silent.
“Heavy and I had sex last night, end of story, now, dummkopfs, can I please eat in peace without any nonsense for once?!” The Scout, Pyro, and Solider looked at him dumbfounded. Demo raised his eyebrows in shock but grinned in victory nonetheless. Scout had taken a note of this and glared. He had also taken note of Heavy’s gaze fixed on the doctor, and his expression being a mix of shame, surprise, and-was that a bit of arousal? He decided not to dwell on it. The important thing was that the results were revealed…however, they were not to his liking. However, there was still one more round left.
More time had passed, and suddenly the Demo and Scout had heard footsteps. However, it sounded as though only one person was walking, and not two, which confused the runner and the explosives expert. They both exchanged muddled glances. Not only that, but the footsteps were heavy, long, and dragged out. They sounded like the type of steps Heavy were to take if he were tired and sluggish. They didn’t sound like they could ever belong to the skinny Sniper, or dainty Spy. The steps seemed to drag on for forever until they reached the door. They were both surprised at who was staring back at them through the door.
As it turned out, the steps did belong to Sniper. However, it became obvious as to why it sounded as though they belonged to Heavy instead. This was because right in Sniper’s arms was Spy being carried bridal style with the most smug and conceited look on his face. The Sniper on the other hand looked extremely annoyed as he proceeded to carry the other man to a seat around the table. He set him down gently and, despite his annoyance, one could tell the gesture was carried out with genuine care.
“Merci, mon cher.” The Spy cooed, knowing he was only provoking his beau.
“Piss off, Spook.” Sniper grumbled as he sat in the chair next to him.
“What’s wrong, mon tireur d'élite?” The Spook asked teasingly. The sharpshooter in question only grumbled.
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it has somethin’ to do with the fact ya made me carry your bloody ass all the way upstairs and to the table.” The Spy only grinned in response.
“Mon amour, it only seemed fair after t'avoir laissé faire l'amour avec moi” he purred. While the Sniper wasn’t one hundred percent clear on what his lover had said, he had a pretty good idea of it.
“Spy! Quit it!” he said, attempting to whisper through clenched teeth.
“Quit, what, mon cher?” the Spy asked in an innocent like manner. The Sniper only glared.
“Yo Snipes, what’s the frog talkin’ ‘bout?” the Scout asked butting into the conversation. Said frog glared in the younger man’s direction.
“None of your concern, boy.” The Spy stated as he took out a cigarette from his pocket.
“Now, my chair- “
“It’s ‘Mon cher’, bushman!”
“Yeah, yeah, anyways why don’t we just enlighten the little ankle biter just as to why the hell ya thought it’d be such a bloody brilliant idea for me to carry ya all the way up here.” The Sniper suggested as he gave his lover a smug look. There was a slight pause before the Spy only smiled back, just as smug.
“Very well…mon. cher.” The Spy hissed. He cleared his throat before speaking.
“Mes amis. Due to the festivities of yesterday, Monsieur Sniper and I had decided to celebrate en faisant l'amour.” His voice had carefully caressed the last two words. Sniper’s face had gone beet red. Spy continued.
“As a treat for mon tireur d'élite, I decided to let him, as one would say “take the reins” on our little celebration. I decided this morning that since I showed him such kindness that it was only fair he’d do the same for me.”
“Spy!” The Sniper exclaimed, practically whining.
“Quoi? I am merely explaining the circumstances to our team, mon tire- “he has suddenly cut off as Sniper snatched the cigarette from his mouth and cut him off with a kiss. It was brief and sweet, and got the job done, for when they separated the Spy was no longer rambling about just what had gone on the previous night. Sniper sighed, defeated.
“Bloody Spook. Don’t know why I keep ya around.” The Sniper said as he looked at his beau with affection.
“Oui. pareil ici” The Spy said, returning the loving gaze.
“Ew gross!” The Scout suddenly exclaimed. The two other mercenaries turned their heads to look at him in an annoyed fashion.
“If ya two old farts are gonna keep makin’ kissy faces at eachother, can ya PLEASE take it somewhere else?” The two older mercenaries in question looked at each other for a moment before turning back to the runner.
“No.” they replied in unison. They received the finger from the Scout in response. Suddenly, slow sluggish footsteps could be heard coming from down the hall. The Engineer soon rounded the corner not long after.
“Hey…what are ya’ll talkin’ ‘bout so loudly this mornin’?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.
“Engie!” Solider replied as he escorted his lover to the table.
“Mornin’ darlin’“ the tinkerer replied as he kissed the military man’s cheek. Demo soon placed a plate full of food in front of him. Engie hummed gratefully in reply. After he popped the food into his mouth, he proceeded to look over at Spy
“What’s this I hear ‘bout Slim ‘takin’ the reins for once’?” he asked sleepily. The Spy raised his eyebrow.
“Exactly as it sounds…pourquoi?” he asked skeptically. The engineer chuckled.
“ ‘Cause that’s just how it’s normally played out between you two, is all.” He replied groggily. The sharpshooter choked on his drink.
“YOU’VE SEEN US DO IT?!” he screeched. Engie chuckled.
“Unfortunately, yes.” He replied.
“POURQUOI?!” Spy asked again, much more frantically. The tinkerer took his time chewing his next bite before replying
“The higher-ups like keepin’ an eye on all of us. There’s cameras installed in every room. I’m the one that hasta make sure it all gets sent over to Ms. Pauling without any trouble. So I’m the one that’s gotta sit there and watch everythin’ while I’m makin’ sure it gets processed.” He then proceeded to lean over the table and whisper to Spy
“But between you and me, there ain’t no camera installed inside of Slim’s van…” Engie would like to not watch the two and their love making if he could help it. Spy made a mental note to sanitize Sniper’s van before he brought up the idea to his lover.
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After a while, everyone had left the table except for the Demo, Scout, and Pyro.
“Well laddie, I guess it was a tie after all.” Demo stated as he patted the younger man’s back.
“Yeah, guess so...” the younger man said, slightly disappointed. The two walked over to the table to collect their respective currency, however, it was nowhere to be seen.
“What da hell? Where’s my cash?!” the younger man asked with this voice slightly raised. Demo turned his head only to see Pyro walking down the hall with a few different colored broken crayons, two paper clips, a coupon, and a stack of cash piled in between his arms.