Chapter Text
There was no telling how long he had been sitting on the bench, contemplating, but not quite enjoying the view. The sky above glimmered with the barest of blues and wispy clouds feathered along, their tendrils twirling and pointing at one another, daring to reach but never touch. From below, the fragrant aroma of freshly cut grass wafted to his nose and speckles of light danced in his vision from the dew that still lingered. He shivered, having left his jacket in the office as he stormed out to get some air. He knew eventually he would have to go back and finish the report he had started on, but for now he needed this; needed to be out here…
No, he thought as he shook his head ruefully, he needed to be out there. Raising his eyes to the sky yet again, wishing (not for the first time) that he could see through the clouds and atmosphere and into the endless void of space. Even with the loss he had suffered, he would rather be out there than sitting on a park bench in Vancouver, on Earth, slowly waiting, more like wasting actually, if he was truly honest with himself.
“Excuse me young man,” a strong, but firm voice pulled him from his thoughts and Kaidan turned to see a woman standing beside the bench with a map in her hand; an unusual sight in this day and age with omni-tools and such. But he figured there were probably those from the older generations that still weren’t comfortable with all the new technologies. She was tall and her white hair was covered with a maroon scarf that separated the long locks into thick columns that cascaded behind her and were adorned at the ends with even more maroon accents, lending a sense of severity to her already handsome features. She held a soft gaze, however, with a hint of sorrow in the golden eyes that were staring at him expectantly. When she had deemed that she garnered his attention, she continued. “I’m seeking the Alliance administration offices, but I seem to have gotten turned around. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?”
There was something in her voice that made it impossible to so say no, even though Kaidan really wanted to. It was about time to get back to his desk anyway. “I was actually on the way there myself. I could walk with you if you would like,” his voice came out huskier than normal, considering it was the first time he had used it all morning.
“Oh that would be wonderful,” she replied, her eyes crinkling at the corners when her smile crept up and Kaidan stood, brushing his hands on his pants and stretched before he faced her again. The wan smile still perched on her lips as he extended his arm in the direction in which they needed to walk.
She took a few steps forward and something about her poise tugged at his mind. Her steps were measured and slow, with the heels of her boots click-thumping on the pavement. There was a grace with which she moved that captivated him and it wasn’t until she turned around again that he realized he hadn’t moved.
“I believe you were going to show me the way. Or is the old hag moving too fast for the young soldier?” Her head rolled back and forth as a throaty chuckle passed through her. Sheepishly, Kaidan stumbled forward, his neck burning from embarrassment.
“My apologies madam. Let’s get going.” He took the lead and they walked along in a comfortable silence for a block. The temperature had started to rise just a bit and he swiped at his forehead. As they rounded a corner, he turned to the woman striding beside him.
“So, what brings you to the Administration, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Her ivory locks slung across her shoulders as she took a couple of more steps in silence. Lips quirking at the corners, she finally answered, “I have an appointment to keep.” She offered no more and Kaidan didn’t press. Instead, she returned his question with one of her own, “And what pray tell, keeps you here?”
For two years Kaidan had avoided asking himself that very question because to do so meant to confront a truth that was much too painful to bear. His chest tightened as the memories of two people floating apart, one living while encased in a metal tomb and the other dying while flailing through the abyss played through his mind. Far too quickly he was back in the pod, screaming things that should have been whispered after a night of coming together instead of while hurtling away from one another, and crying over someone who couldn’t shed their own tears.
He realized he had zoned out when he heard his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and saw the old woman regarding him carefully. Taking a few calming breaths, he swallowed and set his jaw, “I work here.”
“And that’s all…”
The phrase hung in the air; neither a question nor a statement, but both at the same time. Kaidan could either let it drop, or…and for a reason he couldn’t quite fathom, he wanted to elaborate. He didn’t know this woman from any other grandmother on the street, yet for some reason, he felt as if telling her everything about him was not only expected, but unnecessary as well.
“I lost…someone.” It was the most succinct way he could put it. Shepard had meant everything to him, even if he never had the courage to let the man know. Not that he really needed to because it was obvious that Shepard felt the same way, what with all the after mission talks, the way Kaidan would always find Shepard’s head quickly turning away with a tinge of scarlet on his cheeks when he walked past, the increasingly enthusiastic biotic training maneuvers that tickled parts of his mind that he had repressed for a long time; shining light on the some of the few good memories he recalled from BAaT when Vyrnuss would pit him against a younger redheaded firecracker. A boy whom obviously was into him, but never said a word. Just like with me and Shepard…
“So you decided it was safer to stay here than go and find him?”
At this, Kaidan literally stopped in his tracks to stare at her. Was she being obtuse and insensitive on purpose? Obviously, she knew he was in the Alliance because she had eyes that were clearly working and he was very much in uniform, which meant that she had to know what he meant by “I lost someone”. He narrowed his eyes and was about to tell her what he really meant when she interrupted him.
“Ah thank you, I believe this is where we part ways. Take some advice from an old woman who talks too much,” she leaned close to him and gripped his arm in a surprising show of power. “Sometimes it takes more strength to live after a loss than it does to survive it.” He blinked, not really knowing what to make of what she had just said as she released him and began climbing the marble steps into the administrative building. Halfway up, she called over her shoulder, “Take care, Major Alenko. And do be strong. Not only for you, but for him as well.” She resumed her walk and after a few seconds, was swallowed by the crowd.
Even as it warmed up, a cold shiver trickled down Kaidan’s spine. He never mentioned the fact that Shepard was a man and he would have chalked her appellation of “Major” up as a mistake on reading his insignia, but there was a conviction in her voice that told him she knew exactly what she was talking about. Again swiping at the sweat beading on his brow, he turned to head for the Psych Ward.
The building itself was just as pretentious as the nickname given to it. It was a converted cathedral, with multiple rooms added on and walls within to create more office space and was a compromise to the local residents; the Alliance needed somewhere to house their biotics, and the locals were wary of those same people. Sitting at the end of its own avenue, in front stood a large metal gate at the entryway with a miniature guardhouse in the middle from where the two sides hinged. Purely symbolic of course, as Kaidan and most of the Alliance personnel knew that if the biotics really wanted to get out, a metal gate wouldn’t hold them.
The irony of the location of his office and base of operations wasn’t lost on him at all. People who revered a being with supernatural powers and bent on their knees to praise and entreat themselves before his likeness were also at the same time afraid and downright disgusted at the fact that there were human beings (and aliens, but for some reason aliens were more tolerated) that were gifted with abilities that were in no way on par with that of a god.
Kaidan respected the right for people to have whatever beliefs granted them the ability to live with life’s struggles, and he in his search for peace had read literature from many on his own. However, he had a working theory that maybe, the reason a god with supernatural powers was not only tolerated, but worshiped while a human with scientifically understood abilities was ostracized came down to one simple fact: humans have emotions, needs, wants, and desires. Whereas a god may want only the supplication of its followers, a human needs things to survive, and some people believe their needs override the needs of others. And a person will go to great lengths to satisfy a need. Kaidan should know, he spent a few months attempting to do just that after the Normandy incident.
Flashing his badge at the gatekeeper, he ground his teeth as the gate creaked open, the sound piercing the otherwise quiet morning and jarring him back to reality. His footsteps echoed off the stone steps, amplified by the high archway housing the thick, wooden double doors to the building. He paused, taking a quick breath before pressing on. As soon as he opened those doors, it would be back to work, his mental vacation for the day exhausted.
The dank air from the other side of the door rushed past him as he swung the door open wide. Out of habit he tossed a wave to the secretary’s desk and brushed by without making eye contact. It was bad enough that the poor girl had a crush on him, but ever since he actually took the time to make conversation with her, she seemed more and more persistent with her efforts. She was far from unattractive, actually she was downright gorgeous. She stood just above his shoulder in height. Her green eyes clashed perfectly with her pale skin, while her raven hair shadowed her frame from head to elbow. At first it hung straight, effectively hiding her features, but ever since that conversation about a month ago, she began trying new looks, some which caught his eye, and others that…he was glad he didn’t work next to her all day.
Unfortunately for her, there was nothing she could do, she wasn’t Shepard, and she never would be. He had eventually gotten over the pain; that weight of despair in the back of his skull that tinted his every thought. It took time, it took effort, but eventually, he was able to breathe again without crying his name. Though his conversation with the old woman from earlier today brought back some of those feelings, he through his years of training, Breath before body…eased his mind and stepped into his office, ready to finally finish the training report that lay taunting him.
He was two more lines into his report when the door burst open.
“Sorry to intrude Sir, but I was told to inform you that you were late,” he could hear the amusement in his Lieutenant’s voice as he hovered over Kaidan’s desk, most likely with his arms crossed and a smirk.
An exasperated sign accompanied his gaze as he abandoned the report yet again, “The meeting doesn’t start until 1300, Girard. I believe I have a few hours to finish this.”
Girard’s smirk fell into a then line as he leaned his weight onto the desk, slipping a datapad to him at the same time, “This is a different meeting, Commander. Cathleen sent you multiple feeds this morning while you were out.”
He didn’t have to voice his thought as Kaidan flushed from what he wasn’t saying. She sent you multiple reports that you ignored because you’re avoiding her. Girard opened his mouth to continue, but his omni-tool chirped and he quickly answered it. “Girard here-“
“Lieutenant,” Hackett’s voice! “Tell me Staff Commander Alenko is with you. There’s only so long I can wait before moving without him.”
Kaidan pointed to his own omni-tool, and Girard nodded. “I’m in his office right now Sir. Would you like me to connect you to him?”
“If you’re with him, he can hear me. I need you over here yesterday, Alenko. You too LT. Don’t keep me waiting.” The channel clicked closed and Kaidan and Girard exchanged a nervous glance. Pushing himself away from the desk, Girard failed to suppress another smirk, “You heard the man, sir. Let’s get going.”
Rubbing his brow with his thumb and forefinger, Kaidan sighed as he rose from his chair. “Yea. Was it me or did Hackett sound more upset than usual?”
I can’t believe this,” Kaidan grumbled. Of all days for Hackett (really Hackett himself?) to need his attention, it had to be on the one day he allowed himself to play hooky during work. Now here he was, pushing through the Psych Ward with his lieutenant hopping to keep step behind him. Their combined footfalls echoed off the stone floor, announcing their hurried pace to everyone within. What could Hackett need that he would be looking for Kaidan personally? There was nothing new from the Normandy crash site, as Kaidan had flagged any correspondence on that matter as urgent, no matter how insignificant it might seem. His last physical exam had gone well, indicating no lingering trauma from the crash. It could be about his mental state, as he avoided meeting with any psychologist, whether Alliance provided or not, for as long as possible. It wasn’t that he was afraid of an unfortunate diagnosis, in fact, it was quite the contrary, he KNEW his mental state, and had a good handle on everything as far as he was concerned. So what could it be?
“Sir?”
Kaidan turned back to Girard upon hearing the younger man. “Did you say something Lt.?”
“I was just asking if you had any idea why the Admiral is calling you to the QEC, and specifically why he wants me as well,” he shrugged as he spoke, a lopsided grin crawling onto his face.
“I was just wondering the same about that myself. I can’t think of any-OOMF!” His answer was cut short as he barked out a lungful of air. There was more surprise than pain as his brain registered the collision and the floor came up to greet him. He was vaguely aware of another body tumbling as well, and twisted his body, the flat of his back taking the brunt of the impact. He was fine for a split second, until a blast of pain exploded from his lip.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I am sooooooooo sorry Commander!” He winced immediately, not from his busted lip, as much as the recognition of the young woman’s distressed squeal.
Regaining the use of his limbs as he rolled her off his chest (she was of no help in the maneuver, he noticed) Kaidan groaned,” It’s my fault. I wasn’t paying attention. Are you alright?” The incriminating shade of pink and the way she was still leaning just a little too close to him indicated all he needed to know.
“If I said no…?” she asked, and Kaidan noticed the slight arch in her back, the tilt of her head and the way she “naturally” let her lips continue to hang open in mockery of the pinup pose. Inwardly he groused, if their situations had been reversed and he was acting this way around her, it would be no doubt sexual harassment, and he would be off to some disciplinary meeting, and attending sensitivity and workplace training courses from now until his next assignment. As it stood, he would really be doing a disservice to his already low questionable reputation around the base if he reported her.
Shaking his head as he picked himself up, he simply replied, “If you were not alright then you would have to file a workplace incident report with Human Resources within the next 24 hours, provided you wanted to be covered in case an injury were to have been caused.” Her eyes went wide and mouth fell open at the obvious brush off she was getting. Still, she took the hand that he offered her. “Cathleen, please. How about we be more careful in the future?” He sounded a bit harsh, even in his own ears and she simply nodded and shuffled down the hallway back to her desk.
“Wow sir, did you really have to kick a girl while she’s down?” Kaidan raised a warning brow at his Lieutenant, but the man just didn’t know when to stop, “I mean it’s not her fault she fell for you.” It was a battle of wills, both attempting to maintain a straight face. With all the practice he had during his lifetime, it was no surprise to Kaidan that Girard cracked first. “Oh come on! You know that was funny!” he whined as they opened the doors to the QEC in tandem.
There was no need for them to activate the comm, as Hackett’s distorted figure was already on display, pacing in and out of view. Even from the distance and through the wavelengths, Kaidan could already see the scowl on the older man’s features. He could identify most of the other figures on the channel as well: Councilor Udina, Alliance representative on the Citadel; Amul Shastri, Alliance Prime Minister and Admiral Mikhailovich, the uptight arsehole who tried to throw his bars around. Kaidan’s lips quirked upward as he repressed a smile at the memory of Shepard schooling him in front of the Normandy. Garrus’s face was priceless at the blatant disregard for authority. He frowned when he spotted the last face. This one he did not know, but her stance was rigid and her expression cold. She squinted as he met her eyes.
“Good morning Commander, glad you could finally join us,” Hackett began. Kaidan’s response was on his lips when the woman interjected.
“I really hope he is as qualified as you say he is Admiral. So far I’m not impressed. I came to the Alliance seeking professional aid. If I wanted-”
“With all due respect, Chancellor, Lieutenant Commander Alenko is nothing but professional. Now if you would compose yourself, we can begin,” the Chancellor, whoever she was, seethed before righting herself and fixing her eyes to Kaidan.
He straightened his shoulders and set his feet, hearing Girard move into place behind him.
“As I was saying, Good morning, Commander Alenko, Lieutenant Girard. In the interest of time-”
“Which we are quickly running very short on,” Udina huffed.
“-we are going to keep this as brief as possible.” Hackett was visibly irritated, his fists clenching and Kaidan saw his jaws pulse as he ground his teeth. He couldn’t blame the man, with this many politicians in one room, someone was bound to say something that would be “misrepresented” later. “I’m sure you’re familiar with everyone else, so I’m going to introduce Chancellor Inato Morinozuka of the planet Trident, located in the Attican Traverse. At this Hackett paused, Kaidan assumed for the Chancellor to speak up. Instead she tilted her head for him to continue. “She’s come to us with a request for aid, and yes, you are the most qualified to lend it, given you past…interactions with the subjects in question.”
Something about his speech and the way Hackett was looking at him sent a series of shivers through Kaidan’s mind. Whatever these “subjects” were, it wasn’t good. He doubted they were Geth, as there hadn’t been any sign other than various small pockets of activity of the synthetic lifeforms. And considering how the Council had been acting regarding the origin of Sovereign, that ruled out the Reapers (though it really shouldn’t have with all the evidence Shepard had brought back). Which left…
“Cerberus.” His suspicions were correct when the Chancellor’s eyes went comically wide with shock, Mikhailovich let out a small cough, Shastri gasped, and Hackett had the most smug look on his face this side of Wrex and a base full of pirates.
“My apologies Commander. Truly you are the right person for this job.” It really sounded like it hurt for her to say that.
Shastri elaborated, “About 3 days ago, Trident Planetary Defense located an unidentified facility in one of their minor archipelagos. It is believed to be a Cerberus facility but aside from that, we have no idea what to expect.” He activated his omni-tool and a galaxy map not unlike the one in the Normandy exploded into view, highlighting first the Attican Traverse, then zooming into the Hades Nexus, entering Hoplos cluster and finally reaching Trident. If the effect was to show Kaidan just how remote the planet was, then it worked. A satellite image of the facility in question opened next to the now zoomed in map of the region. There was no doubt about it; to the naked eye, it looked just like any other prefabricated building, but Kaidan’s mouth went dry and his palms started to sweat. Footage a lone figure exiting the building started playing and he instantly recognized the uniform. This was definitely a Cerberus facility.
“Alenko, are you sure you’re going the right way?” Shepard’s voice was nearly inaudible, authority stretched thin; confidence attempting and failing to veil what Kaidan knew to be the tremble of nerves. Kaidan tapped on the displays, his fingers twitching and palms itchy like they always were before he stepped into a hot zone, which he had to admit, the chances of doing so had increased exponentially since joining the Normandy crew and receiving the mission to track down Saren and the Geth. He chanced a glance at Williams, but she was seated, her helmet already on, but Kaidan had the suspicion that she was asleep. How anyone could sleep in a Mako was beyond him, but she seemed to get the best rest while the rest of them were jostling about, clinging for dear life as the machine around them slid, rolled, and tumbled around.
Garrus’s head snapped up though. He heard it too, the wispiness of Shepard’s voice. He sounded nervous. This was a bad sign. Shepard was NEVER nervous. Kaidan turned, stealing a glance at the Commander. His helmet sat in his lap, and his icy blue eyes was unfocused as he stared out the window, but Kaidan was definitely sure he couldn’t see anything. His left hand tapped lightly on his helmet while he absentmindedly stroked the scar along his hairline with his right. Kaidan started when he saw the bulge in his jaw from the clenching and unclenching of muscle. This wasn’t normal for Shepard. On any other mission, he would be lightheartedly complaining about Kaidan’s piloting (the crew had agreed that Shepard was never allowed to pilot again after Therum), or politely ignoring and declining Liara’s many advances. Right now however, he was leaning against the paneling, head thumping on the display screen.
Kaidan swallowed, mulling over what to say as he scanned the remainder of the mission crew. Admiral Kahoku had sent out the coordinates for this Cerberus instillation while they were dealing with a Geth advance in the Armstrong Nebula. Usually after missions, especially one as combat intensive as that, the crew was allowed a two to three day break to rest and recuperate. As soon as they boarded the Normandy and Shepard heard the message, Shepard ordered an incredulous Joker to jump to the Hades Nexus. All hands were on deck for this one.
They had dealt with Cerberus before, chasing down failed experiments and other atrocities, and Shepard hadn’t so much as batted an eye. But then they went to Ontarum after dealing with Benezia on Noveria (Kaidan hadn’t been able to look Liara in the eye since then) and Shepard witnessed a former soldier in his unit nearly execute a scientist. Originally, the mission was to stop the would-be assassin, Toombs if he remembered correctly, but he proved to be no threat to them. Even more disturbing was the fact that he seemed familiar to Kaidan, but he couldn’t quite place from where he could know the man. His face was covered by his helmet and Kaidan was more occupied with Shepard’s reaction. Watching him beg and plead with the man to be bigger than his past was heart wrenching, especially so after Kaidan heard they were both part the same attack on Akuze. Adding to that was the unspoken history that floated between them, or maybe Kaidan had just been over analyzing, which he usually does, and is in no way going to start letting thoughts like that impress upon Shepard, and definitely a box he was not going to open.
It was there that they learned of Cerberus involvement at Akuze, and if Kaidan was going to be honest with himself, there that he started to... WILL NOT open box!
“Stupid box,” he grumbled.
“To which Garrus again perked up, his mandibles twitching when he caught sight of Shepard’s state. “Commander…is everything all right?” It was a good thing the Turian hadn’t spent much time around humans because he completely missed the unintentional (and definitely embarrising) glare that Kaidan shot him before he could stop it.
“I couldn’t save him…”
Kaidan strained to hear his Commander again, leaning over into his personal space. “Save who Shepard?” he prompted. Maybe if he got Shepard talking, he could put his mind at ease.
“Toombs. We were told to go check on a colony that went dark. It was my mission and I couldn’t save him; or anyone. He could have run, could have gotten out, but he used his biotics to throw me to safety.” Shepard’s eyes slammed shut, no doubt reliving that moment. His breath quickened and Kaidan could feel the tension getting worse. Thankfully he wasn’t wearing his helmet and was still whispering so the conversation wasn’t being broadcast. Kaidan spared another glance around the Mako: Garrus had gone back to fiddling with his gun; Ash was still knocked out; Tali was on her omni-tool, most likely sending “non-critical” schematics back to the Quarian fleet; Wrex and Liara were arguing and the two Marines brought along for the assault, Kimber and Jones were hovering over Kimber’s omni-tool.
“Shepard, you know there’s nothing you could have done,” he began, “It was a freak accident, or so you thought, but as you said it was a setup by Cerberus, just like with Kahoku’s men.” Thinking back on it, Kaidan remembered just how frantic Shepard had been when the thresher maw hit. He didn’t think on it too much then, because well, it was a thresher maw. And now knowing that 50 Alliance Marines died so that somebody could play mad scientist…he shook his head, he couldn’t imagine how the man was managing to hold it together.
“I know that Lieutenant!” Kaidan flinched from the outburst. Immediately however Shepard apologized, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. I just-what if this is a trap too? What if I’m sending us all to our deaths? I know this isn’t our focus, we should be hunting down Saren, but after hearing what they did to Toombs…” Shepard’s face fell into his hands and Kaidan without thinking or looking reached overreached for him. He gave a gentle squeeze as he reassured him.
“You’re not sending anyone to our deaths Shepard, at least not this time,” he couldn’t take his eyes from the drive as the terrain had shifted and became even more perilous. He kept his voice light, even throwing in a chuckle for good measure. The goal was to placate the man, not have him second guessing his second guesses.
He felt the heat radiating from the tense muscle under his palm. It was solid and thick, much thicker than any arm had any right to be. He felt when Shepard stiffened during his half-hearted attempt at humor and wondered if maybe he had the opposite effect from his intention. When the ground final evened out, and they crept under a precarious looking boulder formation, he turned to his Commander once again and realized why he had garnered such a reaction.
He took a few breaths, wondering how to resolve this most awkward situation. His hand. Shepard’s thigh. Not. His. Arm. And he had squeezed. And Shepard still hadn’t said anything. In fact, no one was saying anything. Kaidan snatched his hand back, digging his fingers in to the controls so hard he was sure they would break. Maybe he should break them. It would probably be preferential to whatever Shepard was going to do to him in any moment. He set his jaw and rolled his shoulders.
He met Shepard’s eyes. When the man got emotional, they were the sharpest blue Kaidan had ever seen. It was like watching pure energy circling his pupils. Kaidan especially loved when the biotics came on, igniting a spark that set the world ablaze. Those were the eyes he was expecting. Instead, they were pale, not sickly or sad, but wistful, relaxed? His shoulders were loose too, his hands resting on his thighs, his fingertips brushing over where Kaidan’s had just been.
“Kaidan..I-” he whispered, his words tugging in Kaidan’s ear. “I can’t-I need,” he faltered, slumping further into the seat, eyes screwing shut.
“John,” he stated, the word punctuating the atmosphere and rumbling over them. Even to his ears, he sounded gravelly and heavy. It was too much for a subordinate, but he knew it was welcomed, it was what Shepard asked for, “I’ll take care of it.”
Shepard blinked once, then again and nodded. He sank back, relaxing further, hand still hovering on the spot where Kaidan had touched him.
“I’m guessing I’m being chosen because we took down the Cerberus outpost on Nepheron,” Kaidan surmised.
“That is correct Commander,” Udina sighed tersely, “Madam Chancellor has requested a joint Alliance/Trident Security Forces operation to neutralize this facility. In return for Alliance aid on the matter, the technology, data and any other non-Trident sensitive information go to the Alliance—”
“While they get all the credit.” Leave it to Girard to cut through all the bullshit. Kaidan chuckled as Udina’s mouth pressed impossibly thin, his eyes narrowing just about as thinly.
“If we were going to be so crude, then yes, Trident Security Forces will be positioned as the primary operatives once the mission is successful.”
“You will be joining Admiral Mikhailovich on the SSV Ain Jalut. I’m sure you’ll find the accommodations quite familiar.”
“It’s the second Normandy class spaceship,” the commanding Admiral chimed in. Though at least he had the good graces to be slightly abashed with the memory of what he had said two years ago.
“You have two days Alenko. You’ll receive a full briefing on the matter upon boarding. Any questions?” Kaidan could tell Hackett was ready to end the call.
“No sir.”