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Levi remembers everything, always has, always will, but in this new life, even with its stark differences, he wonders if it’s all destined to turn out the same. Will he end up lovesick and alone, like before? He wants to believe he isn’t sure at first, but his heart doesn’t just sit silent while he and Erwin catch up, talk, and then becomes friends again. No, it flutters and aches, and often when they’re together and Erwin isn’t looking, Levi watches him and thinks that he is still so beautiful it hurts. He smiles more in this world, he notices, and it’s then, upon memorizing Erwin’s new laugh lines even after just a few meetings, that Levi admits to himself that he’s hopeless.
“Levi.” Erwin says to him a month or two after they find each other again, after they’ve settled into a once a week coffee date routine that he wishes would turn into more.
Erwin, though, is oblivious to his plight just as he was back then, but his face has gone soft as he gazes at him from across the table all the same. He sounds more serious than from a moment before, Levi thinks, where he’d been laughing and telling him a funny story about work — he’s a teacher now, which is perfect and amazing and easy in comparison — and just like he always did, Levi stops what he’s doing so that he can latch his eyes onto Erwin and wait with bated breath for his every word.
“Do you remember when…” Erwin starts, before trailing off. He pauses, looks into Levi’s eyes and then searches his expression as if he’s trying to figure out how to word what he wants to say next, which makes Levi draw his brows down in concern, even when Erwin then huffs a small laugh before continuing. “When we were...ah, I mean, when I ...on the roof—
Suddenly, partly because of Erwin’s uncharacteristic difficulty in speaking, Levi knows what he’s asking about. Still, though, he’s taken aback by the rush of disbelief and hurt that the subject causes, and he finds himself all but collapsing back into his chair, staring at Erwin with wide eyes while his jaw drops open in surprise. “Are you asking if I remember when you fucking died?”
“Well...yes. I know you already told me what was in the basement, but I was wondering about what exactly happened before. And what happened to you, after.” Erwin states, offering Levi a sort of apologetic smile when he sees how his question has affected him — even if he can’t know the extent of why.
He’s remarkably unphased himself, Levi thinks, despite the fact that he’s asking about his own fucking death. Clearly, time and the different world they’ve grown up in this go around must have dulled that particular memory for him, but Levi is not so lucky. No, this is something that is painful for him to think about even now, and so for most of the time, he doesn’t. Still, he does remember. He remembers a lot of other shit, too, he thinks, like carrying Erwin’s body down from the roof by himself, and then sweeping the floor of the room that would become his resting place in Shiganshina.
It was cold in there, he recalls, and damp. It smelled like rotting wood. He did not want to leave Erwin there, but they had no other choice. Still, it pained Levi. Everything did, even though this had been his decision. Had he made the right one? Although he would experience regret based on his own selfish needs later on — he would miss Erwin so much — right then, Erwin looked peaceful and he was sure that he had even if it hurt more than anything save the death of his mother.
Unwilling to leave Erwin looking undignified, though, Levi had meticulously cleaned the blood from his face and hands, and straightened his hair. Erwin had always been particular about his hair, he’d thought with a pang of sadness. Dropping to his knees beside him, he’d held his hand and eventually let out one breathless, ragged sob, and whispered the only thing that he hadn’t been able to tell him, the one thing that he now wished he could hear the most: I love you, Erwin.
After that, Levi had steeled himself and taken Erwin’s bolo tie. He’d held it tightly in his palm the entire way back and spoken to no one, and then retreated to his room without answering any questions. He was suddenly exhausted, he remembers, more than he’d felt in years. It’d be so easy to go away, he thinks, but no. He can’t. He still has a promise to fulfill, and he knows right then that he won’t let himself rest one bit until it’s finished.
“...Levi?” Erwin asks then, in a voice that sounds far away in the seconds that it takes Levi to snap back to reality. “Are you alright?”
Once he realizes that he’d zoned out, he almost gasps. His heart is pounding and he’s breathing hard, and his fist is clenched around an invisible, emerald colored stone so tightly that his knuckles have gone white.
Shit. He thinks, shaking his head. It’s been a long time since he’d gotten that lost in a memory. Embarrassed, he flushes red, but manages to shrug it off and swallow the emotion.
“Yeah. M’fine.” He mumbles, although the mild alarm that is now present on Erwin’s face does not go away. “What about it? You wondering if you shit yourself, or something?”
Erwin doesn’t laugh. Instead, he stares at Levi with a deep frown gracing his perfect lips, and Levi can’t help but feel annoyed at himself for his reaction. Stupid, he thinks. This isn’t really about him in the least.
“Come on, what do you want to know?” He continues with that, sitting up straighter and throwing an arm over the back of his chair.
He tries to relax, look casual. Grabbing his tea, he’s pleased that for some reason, the movement makes Erwin smile.
“You still drink your tea the same way.” He says in explanation, after Levi raises an eyebrow.
“Oh, yeah. You noticed that?”
“Yes. You sit and move the same way, too. And you still tell the same shitty jokes.”
Levi snorts at Erwin’s equally shitty pun — he looks so proud of it, and its ridiculous how charming Levi finds it — and tries not to think about Erwin watching him closely enough to notice how he moves . “You can’t say anything.”
“Really? What do I do that’s the same?”
Levi bites his lip to hide his smile, and then looks away. He has already spent countless nights thinking about this exact subject.
“A lot of stuff.” He says, glancing back at Erwin. Suddenly, when he meets his eyes — his blue, blue eyes, that are the color of the sky in this world too — he feels a yearning so strong that it nearly takes his breath away. How easy it would be, he thinks, to reach across the table and take Erwin’s hand? He wants to so badly that it hurts, but he can’t. He won’t. Instead, he continues, disguising his feelings with some gentle ribbing that he knows Erwin will laugh at. “You still ask too many fucking questions, for one.”
It’s a reference to what Erwin had inquired about earlier, obviously, because it’s not lost on Levi that he changed the subject. However, even though he doesn’t like the thought of denying Erwin what he wants to know, he’s not sure he has it in him to bring it up seriously again, and is thankful that Erwin just chuckles like he expected and allows him to continue.
“You still eat like shit. How many sugars did you put in your coffee?”
“Four, Levi.”
“Christ.” Levi pauses, even though he doesn’t even have to think hard to come up with more. “You...uh, your eyebrows still do that thing. The thing that happened when you were thinking.”
“What thing?” Erwin asks, already wearing a smile that turns into a laugh when Levi makes a face, scrunching his nose up and furrowing his brows as deep as he can in imitation.
It makes his bottom lip poke out too, but he barely notices, and is instead spurred on by Erwin’s obvious amusement and delight.
“You part your hair the same. And before...you always missed the same damn spot shaving. Right here.” Levi taps the side of his face, right underneath his left earlobe, and watches Erwin realize he’s right when he lifts his fingers too and feels the tiny patch of stubble that Levi noticed there earlier. “You’re still too polite; the barista gave you the wrong pastry and you didn’t say anything, just like when Hange would steal all your good ink. You clear your throat when you want someone to listen to you, except now it’s about shit that happened in your classroom instead of military plans. You chew just as loud and I can tell you’re not any fucking neater, and you...you still close your eyes whenever you laugh really hard at something stupid.”
Levi stops then, having realized that he’d said a lot more than he’d meant to, and that Erwin is staring at him with wide eyes and parted lips and a look of astonishment on his face that Levi isn’t sure is good or bad.
“Levi…” He says after a moment, too. “You noticed all of that? Even back then?”
Swallowing, Levi opens his mouth and hesitates to answer. He’s anxious, suddenly, that he either gave himself away or came off like a fucking creep, but unfortunately, he supposes that it’s far too late to take any of it back either way.
“Uh... yeah . I mean—
Levi had been about to apologize or try to make an excuse, but he stops himself when Erwin’s lips suddenly pull up into a smile so gorgeous that it causes his heart to flutter. It’s soft, he thinks, and sincere, and it makes his eyes sparkle in a way that they rarely do. The fact that it’s only for Levi right then is a thought that makes him tingle with warmth — a feeling that is not unfamiliar because of his memories — but just as Erwin is opening his mouth to respond to him out loud, his phone starts to ring, and Levi’s heart sinks as soon as he gets a glimpse of who it is that’s calling.
Slumping backward into his seat, he looks away and tries not to listen to Erwin’s conversation. It’s rude, he thinks, and he doesn’t fucking want to either because it pains him, but it’s quiet in the coffee shop and he can’t help what he overhears. Erwin’s gentle tone of voice, his ‘ hello, dear’ and ‘ yes , darling ’ during the course of his phone call are hard to digest, but it’s the ‘ I love you, too ’ at the end that seems to cut through him like a knife. What must it be like, he wonders, to be on the receiving end of those words? He wants to know, and wishes that they’d been for him so badly that it hurts, but apparently, it’s not meant to be in this lifetime just as it wasn’t either in the first.
“I have to go.” Erwin tells him then, sighing and frowning, though, as if he doesn’t actually want to leave. “I’m sorry. Marie got off of work early, and she needs a ride. I’ll see you again next week though, right? Same time, same place?”
“Yeah.” Levi says, nodding once while he moves to get out of his seat.
Erwin does the same, and together, they walk over to get their coats. It’s cold outside, and a veritable rock has settled in Levi’s belly like lead. He tries not to let it show on his face — or how it affects him when Erwin, polite as always as Levi said, helps him into his coat — but he can’t hide the way he stiffens and nearly stutters when they make it outside and Erwin suddenly pulls him into a hug.
“It’s good to have you back, Levi.” He says, which is not something that he’s told him before.
Hell, he doesn’t think they’ve shared an embrace like this, ever, even one so innocent, although it’s something that Levi has certainly experienced once or twice or a hundred times in his dreams. Imagining it can’t compare to the real thing, though, because Erwin is warm, very, very warm, and god , he smells so good. Levi doesn’t want to pull away, but even after the hug seems to last a bit longer than it should — Levi has wrapped his arms around Erwin’s middle and pressed his face into his chest, savoring it for as long as he dares, but Erwin is holding him tight and hasn’t pulled away either — it eventually has to end, and they gradually break apart when Erwin clears his throat.
“I missed you, you know.” He says, smiling that same smile again, the one from before. “Your friendship was...a blessing. I don’t think I would have made it that far without you, but I’m sorry for what I put you through. The things I made you do and the life you lived...you didn’t deserve it. I want you to know that.”
Levi stares up at Erwin, eyes wide. He’s taken aback by his words, and his heart is singing and there’s a lump in his throat, and even though he knows for a fact that he is blushing, this time he doesn’t bother to try and hide it.
You didn’t make me do it. He thinks. I wanted to. I did it for you. I would have given you anything. I love you, you idiot.
For all Levi wants to tell him, he sees Erwin’s cell phone in his hand and thinks of Marie and the words die in his throat. Swallowing, he just steels himself and shakes his head, forcing out a scoff before he playfully rolls his eyes and shoves at Erwin’s arm. “You know what else is the same about you, Erwin? You’re still completely full of fucking shit.”
Naturally, Erwin laughs at that, loudly enough so that it actually brings a tiny smile to Levi’s face. At least he has this, he thinks. At least Erwin is in his life again to fulfill the emptiness even if they are just friends, and at least he gets to see him more relaxed, easygoing, and happy even if he’s not the one who makes him feel that way. He wishes it was, but that thought is selfish and he knows it. What’s important is that Erwin is whole in this life, that he received a second chance. He’s free, Levi thinks, and isn’t that what he wished for him by allowing him to rest in the first place?
They say goodbye, and Levi wonders not for the first time how much Erwin heard and now remembers from the rooftop. Clearly, it’s not everything or he wouldn’t be asking, but would Levi be able to tell him the truth, knowing that technically he had failed him and botched the mission? Of course he would, he thinks, even if he fears that it would change things between them. That thought is probably stupid though, because it doesn’t matter now, right? Except it does matter, Levi knows, because his love for Erwin had been the reason for his choice, and the feeling of despair that it brings hasn’t gone away even after half of a whole second lifetime’s experience.
Because of that, Levi wonders if things would be different in this world if he had told Erwin before. Of course, that would depend on whether or not Erwin felt the same way, which he knows is absolutely wishful thinking on his part. The Erwin from before did not look at him like that, he knows, and he doesn’t now, because even if things are different and he lives his life for himself, he already has Marie. Apparently, they met again a few years ago — long before Levi had been in the picture, and without any sign of Nile, either. Only, Nile is around now too, but Levi doesn’t think it matters. He’s sure that Erwin was Marie’s first choice before, and that she had been the one Erwin had given up and probably continued to love all along.
He deserves her, Levi thinks, if that’s what he wants, but it hurts to think about them together. It hurts to know that they share a bed and that they live together, and that she gets to have all of Erwin — both the good and the bad — which is the only thing he’s ever truly wanted. Because of that, he’s torn. Part of him thinks that he should just let Erwin be, but still, there is another part of him that thinks Erwin deserves to know that Levi loves him so that he won’t hate the thought of himself from before, so that he’ll understand that he didn’t force, trick, or cajole Levi into doing anything when they were soldiers.
Even after he’d found out about Erwin’s desire to see the basement it hadn’t been like that. No, he’d come to terms with that quickly, and it had been Erwin’s safety that he’d been concerned about the most. His safety, he thinks, and the fact that his gentle prodding about what Erwin might want to do after, about what happened after they’d retaken Wall Maria, hadn’t gone the way he wanted. Remembering how he’d sat, morose, in the shadows with a beer on the night before he’d left while everyone had a good time around him, he thinks that he should have not been a fucking coward and just told Erwin then anyway.
He’d wanted to, but even though he’d known he’d get nothing in return he’d still feared the sting of rejection, the confirmation that his love didn’t matter in the long run and that the future he wanted with Erwin — the one where he was just there with him, one way or the other, because he was alive — was uncertain. If only he’d had more time, he thinks, to come to terms with it all. If only he’d realized it sooner, and hadn’t wasted so much time thinking that Erwin was invincible. Him losing his arm had been the catalyst, Levi recalls, for him to understand all of this, because having him come back injured and half-dead like that had shook him to the core more than almost anything else ever had.
Seeing him lying in bed, unconscious for days and sick from fever and with the remnants of his bicep wrapped in bandages that seemed to never not be soaked with blood, was a constant reminder of how close Levi had come to actually losing him forever. Hell, for a while he feared he still might, but even after he’d woken up Levi had been shocked with how much he hated the thought of Erwin not being there anymore. Why? Well, they were friends, obviously. They were close, and Levi trusted him more than he’d ever trusted anyone in his entire life. He took care of Erwin and helped him whenever he could and liked being around him, but before he’d come back broken and vulnerable Levi had not thought that much about it.
He didn’t understand either, he knows now. A normal upbringing without loss and pain and the love of his mother means that emotions are not so difficult for him to process in this life, but back then, it was different. Back then, he only knew that he didn’t want to be away from Erwin again. He hated the thought that he had to leave with his new squad, and spent every single night thinking about him instead of sleeping — not that he’d ever been good about that anyway. Levi worried about him, he remembered. He wanted to be back with him, to see him again. Was he okay? What if Erwin was In danger or needed his help?
Levi’s heart ached with longing when he imagined his face, and he’d never wanted to kill someone so badly as he had that greasy military police piece of shit who had threatened him. Was this what love felt like, he’d wondered? Was he in love...with Erwin? By then, he’d come to terms with how important he was to him, and he supposed that there was no one else out there that he would do absolutely anything for without question like this. Once he’d found Erwin again and felt relief and happiness that he was alright, once he then had to walk away again to fight the deformed titan of Rod Reiss almost immediately after, he was finally sure, and for the first time, he looked back at Erwin over his shoulder and wished that things were different.
I love you. He’d thought too, along with something about how the police officers who’d hurt him and bruised his beautiful face were lucky that they wouldn’t have to face him. Still, realizing what his feelings were was one thing. Understanding what to do with them was another. In the time after, he struggled with that, and when he told Erwin to die in Shiganshina the words were right there on the tip of his tongue, but wouldn’t come out no matter how hard he tried to force them. He didn’t want to believe that was his last chance, he recalled, but it was, because in the end, he would not revive Erwin and put his own hopes and dreams above that of Erwin’s well-being.
Now, Levi thinks the same fucking thing — at least about Erwin’s happiness. However, this world is different, and the stakes are not as high. No, if he tells Erwin, what’s the worst that could happen? He stops being Levi’s friend because it’s weird or awkward? That’d be a shitty outcome, and one that he certainly doesn’t want — especially when he feels like he just found Erwin again. Having him in his life as a casual friend who he meets once a week for coffee for an hour is far, far better than not having him there at all, he knows, but...it’s just...he fears that his mistakes from before will be repeated.
He worries that if he doesn’t tell him something will happen again and Erwin will never know, because even though they’ve been given a second life they aren’t invincible. They aren’t immortal and he doesn’t know that will happen after they die here, and also, a tiny part of him thinks that if there’s any chance Erwin might love him back, if there’s any remote possibility that he feels the same way...well, then he has to do it now, before Erwin ends up getting married or moves away or something like that. That’s a thought that is terrible of him to have because he doesn’t want to cause Erwin pain or break up his relationship, but he can’t help it. He wants him, and even more than that, he doesn’t want his words to go unsaid for another lifetime.
It’s a long walk back to his apartment from the coffee shop. By the time he gets there, he’s gnashing his teeth and in a sour mood from all of his moping, but still, despite the fact that he probably should just go to bed, he sticks his key into the lock and can’t seem to turn it. Instead, he stops, and thinks, and leans his forehead against the door in frustration. He closes his eyes and sees dozens of memories flash through his mind that end with Erwin smiling at him, and in the next second, he curses, bangs his fist against the wood, and then withdraws his key. In an instant he’s down the hall and over the stairs that lead up to his apartment, racing to the sidewalk after that because he knows he has to hurry if he wants to make it to the bus stop.
Erwin’s house is too far away for him to walk to, so he runs all the way there and just barely makes it before the bus arrives. On board, he’s strangely calm in comparison to how he felt earlier — perhaps because he’s actually relieved at the thought his secret will be off his chest soon — but by the time he gets to Erwin’s he’s a bundle of nerves. He feels jittery and anxious and he wonders if he’s made the right decision, but it seems too late to turn back now. Still, his heart is racing when he trudges up the steps towards Erwin’s door, and he’s nauseous. His palms are sweaty, but it's also started raining, and his hair is soaked. He barely notices, though, and hears a woman’s voice through the window just as he goes to knock.
She’s talking and laughing and sounds happy, and he hopes, hopes that Marie will not be the one to answer the door. Thankfully, she doesn’t, but Levi gets a glimpse of her anyway in the background — after Erwin greets him first, though, and stares down at him in obvious surprise. For a moment, he is all that Levi sees too, and he stands there with wide, wide eyes, struck with a deep, wistful yearning that renders him still. Neither one of them says anything at first, and it’s Marie that interrupts, Marie, of course, who steps into sight a few feet behind Erwin with her arms crossed.
“Who is it, Erwin?” She asks, looking confused until she spots Levi and her expression becomes one of concern.
For some reason, Levi doesn’t think it’s for him, but it’s obvious that she recognizes him too. They’d met before, of course, and he finds himself thinking — objectively — that she’s just as pretty in this life as she was in the first. She has long, thick, dark hair and full lips, and she’s tall, so much the opposite of Levi in every single way that it hurts. Swallowing that thought down, though, Levi tears his eyes away from her and back to Erwin, raising his eyebrows and giving him a look that he hopes comes across as a plea for him to say something.
“Levi.” He utters, thankfully, partially to him and partially to Marie, but it’s enough to get her to go away — he can’t say anything with her there, he can’t — after she looks between him and Erwin a few times with a curious expression on her face, something that Levi is too anxious to really think about. Instead, he shifts from one foot to the other and clenches his fists, opening them again a second later while he sets his jaw and thinks that he must look something like a skittish cat. Obviously, Erwin notices, and now that the initial shock at seeing him on his porch has worn off, he frowns and opens the door wider. “Levi, are you alright? Is something wrong?”
“No. No...I mean, uh...can we talk?”
“Talk? Of course. Come inside; it’s raining and you’re soaking wet.”
“No.” Levi says, perhaps with more vehemence than he intended to.
For a moment, he expects Erwin to balk or something because of the way he raises his eyebrows, but then he looks Levi over again, really over, and seems to understand that he wants them to be alone.
“Okay.” He says, speaking calmly and quietly and in a serious tone of voice. “How about the garage? Will that do?”
Levi nods; he’d seen the garage when he’d arrived, and noticed that it was connected only by an awning leading from a door on the side of the house. They’ll have privacy there, he thinks, and they’ll be out of the downpour, which is good, because by the time Erwin goes back inside and meets Levi beside it to let them in he’s shivering. It’s probably out of nerves, he thinks, just as much as it is the cold and the rain, but Erwin notices all the same and seems to have come prepared. He has towels in his arms, Levi sees, and a blanket, and the first thing he does once they get inside is help Levi out of his wet coat.
“You’re drenched, Levi. Did you walk here?” He says, frowning in obvious displeasure, in the way that makes lines appear between his brows while his bottom lip pokes out.
Standing there, Levi thinks that he’s getting warmer already just from watching him. However, Erwin drapes a towel over his head gently too, holding it to Levi’s shoulder with one hand while using the other to dry his hair. He’s close, and his hands feel so big and strong on him, and because he’s out of sorts, it’s all he can do to not lean forward and fall into his arms again to try and find some comfort.
“No.” He says instead, averting his eyes when his cheeks start to warm. “Not all the way. I took the bus.”
“Why didn’t you call? I would have come and picked you up. I thought I told you, if you ever needed a ride somewhere I—
“Erwin…”
“It wouldn’t have been a bother.”
“I know, I...it doesn’t matter. Listen, I need to tell you something.”
“...Alright. Come here. Let’s sit down.”
Erwin gives Levi the blanket and steps away, but Levi remains in place for a moment despite his request. He stares, watching him head to a corner of the garage where a faded looking loveseat sits across from a small, wooden table. There’s a tiny TV on it, and stacks of books everywhere. Levi doesn’t have to ask to know Erwin spends a lot of time there, but the sight is less heartwarming than it might have been otherwise, because Levi has realized something else, too: Erwin hasn’t looked him in the eye since they’d stepped into the garage. He seems troubled, in fact, but before Levi can get too concerned that it’s because of him, Erwin takes a seat on the arm of the couch and thankfully proves otherwise.
“I upset you earlier today, didn’t I?” He asks, finally looking up at him as Levi takes a step forward. “Asking about your memories. I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to talk about, and—
“No.” Levi utters, interrupting with a shake of his head. He opens his mouth to say more, but nothing comes out. He stares at Erwin, pulse pounding, and closes it again. Erwin is watching him closely, he thinks, with a mixture of confusion and concern on his handsome face, and Levi knows for a fact that it’s now or never. Briefly, he considers making some other excuse for why he’s there, but no. He can’t. He doesn’t want this to be a secret any longer, he doesn’t want to live the rest of this life wondering what if . “That’s not it.”
“Did something else happen, then? Whatever it is, it will be alright, Levi.” Erwin says in a quiet voice, gently probing him and providing him with reassurance in the way that he’d always done before.
It works here too, he thinks — at least for a moment. Although Erwin’s soothing words help him to step a bit closer, he still doesn’t sit down and he can’t stop worrying at his bottom lip. Should he really do this? What if Erwin doesn’t want to see him again after?
“I have to tell you something.” He manages to say again, though. “I want to, but I—
“You can tell me. It’s alright, I promise.”
Levi shakes his head. He wants to believe that, but he’s afraid. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath despite that, though, he forces himself to continue with his gaze fixed firmly on the ground in front of him. “Earlier, when you asked about what happened on the roof...do you remember any of that shit at all?”
“A little.” Erwin answers, speaking slowly. Levi can see him watching him out of the corner of his eye, and he knows it’s because he’s still hesitant to talk about this for what he thinks is Levi’s sake. “It’s fuzzy, like a dream, but I remember hearing your voice. It was...comforting, even though everything hurt.”
Erwin chuckles a little at that, absurdly enough, but it’s hard for Levi to feel anything but sadness — even after Erwin says he was comforted by hearing him — while thinking about how Erwin must have been in pain and suffered. He hates the thought, but he’s okay now, he tries to tell himself. He’s safe.
“It fucking sucked, you know...seeing you like that. I hated it. I was afraid. I know I told you to go ahead and charge, but it scared the shit out of me to think about losing you after your arm. I just...I just wanted to be by your side, Erwin, and I wanted to save you. I didn’t kill the Beast Titan because of that. I fucked up, I’m sorry, I was selfish, and—
“Oh, Levi.” Erwin says then, even though Levi suspects that he’s not actually making much sense. He’s babbling, almost, because once he started the words had come tumbling out, but even though Erwin has interrupted him, even though he’s leaned over and reached out to take his hand , he can’t stop now and he can’t allow himself to grasp his fingers back until he knows that its okay for him to do so. “It’s alright. Is that what you’re upset about? You know none of that matters now, I—
“ No . No, it does. It does because I hesitated, because I thought I could save you. I had the fucking serum, but those damn brats, and that shit Kenny said, and I realized how...how cruel everything was for you. That world wasn’t fair, Erwin, not to you. You gave up so much, and I couldn’t bear to bring you back into that shit. I wanted you to have peace. Maybe it was selfish of me to deny you the basement, and maybe it shouldn’t have been my call, but that’s what happened. It probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but I did it because...I did it because I...I loved you. I loved you, Erwin, and I still do.”
Although Levi had started out staring down at the floor, he’d felt such a surge of emotion as he’d finished that he’d torn his gaze away from it and looked back into Erwin’s face. For a few seconds after, he just stands there like that too, with wide, watery eyes, wondering, ludicrously, whether or not he’d even be able to hear anything Erwin might say over the sound of his pulse pounding rapidly inside his ears. Either way, he doesn’t speak immediately, and part of Levi wants to bolt outside because he’s afraid of what Erwin’s response will be — especially because he’s realized that Erwin may very well see things from a different perspective. He might be hurt, Levi thinks, or he might even hate him, because essentially, Levi is the one who ended his life and kept him from seeing what he wanted the most.
Although nerves and apprehension sweep through Levi at that thought, it’s too late to take anything back. Even if that’s how it turns out, Levi believes that Erwin deserved to know the truth of what happened and why. However, he hasn’t yet managed to figure out what Erwin’s initial reaction is going to be, because a few moments have passed and he still hasn’t said anything. Maybe he’s angry, Levi thinks, or maybe he’s just taken aback. Levi, for his part, feels a little shocked himself, as explaining everything had put him back inside his memories again, and Erwin’s death feels raw and real even as he’s sitting there alive and well right in front of him.
Because of that, he wants to grasp Erwin’s hand and never let go, but he’d withdrawn it earlier perhaps out of surprise, and imposing himself on him when he probably, surely doesn’t want that certainly won’t help his case in the least.
“Levi.” Erwin says though, finally , just when Levi doesn’t think he can take the silence anymore. “I...come here. Come here, please.”
Swallowing, Levi notes that Erwin’s voice is gentle, and that’s probably why he moves to do as he asked without any hesitation. Still, he’s not sure why he wants him closer, and he feels like he might throw up as he steps forward and into his space. After that, though, after they lock eyes again Levi notices that Erwin’s are shiny and he’s smiling — smiling — he freezes in surprise, and then draws his brows down in confusion and concern. Dare he hope that this is actually going to go well?
He’s afraid to because he doesn’t want to be disappointed, but Erwin’s expression is just so soft. He looks happy , Levi thinks, but why? It seems that Erwin wants to tell him because he’s opened his mouth to speak, but before he can, he stops himself. Instead, his eyes lower and his expression fades into something more serious, but just as Levi starts to wonder what that means, any rational thought is swept from his mind when Erwin suddenly reaches out to grab him, jerking him forward in between his legs and into an embrace.
He wraps his arms around his middle, Levi thinks, but immediately, he stiffens. He’s shocked, because he certainly hadn’t expected a hug and he still doesn’t know what’s going through Erwin’s head, but ultimately, in the end, he can’t resist. Ultimately, Erwin is warm and Levi can smell him again and his presence is so comforting that it makes his knees weak, and he closes his eyes, unable to stop himself from winding his arms around Erwin’s shoulders so that he can all but collapse against him and bury his face into the crook of his neck.
“Shit.” He gasps, squeezing his lids shut against the tears that threaten to form there.
Barely realizing he’s shaking, too, he only feels Erwin squeezing him tightly, Erwin, he thinks, holding onto him too as if it’s for dear life. His mind is spinning and although he hasn’t gotten a real answer to his confession yet he at least can assume that Erwin doesn’t hate him, and it's that thought he hangs onto, that thought that calms him enough so he doesn’t quite feel like he’s rapidly losing control. Standing there, though, with Erwin squeezing him, he realizes after a moment that he can hear and feel Erwin breathing, and that he’s leaning into him from between Erwin’s thighs because he’d still sitting on the arm of the couch while Levi had remained standing.
Still, the hug was surely meant to be innocent on Erwin’s part, right? Levi hadn’t assumed otherwise at first, but now...now it doesn’t exactly seem that way. No, he thinks, because Erwin’s fingers are clutching at the back of his shirt, digging in, then sliding up and over his shoulder blades so that he can use one hand to cup the back of his neck. He leans away a bit too, and locks gazes with Levi — but only for a second before he lowers his own so that he can stare at Levi’s mouth. His lips are parted, and he looks incensed, and they’re at eye level and only inches apart and if Levi didn’t know better he’d swear that Erwin was about to kiss him.
“Wait, Erwin.” He says then, because even if that’s not what’s happening here, he has to stop it for his own sake. “Wait. Shit. What are you doing?”
“I...I’m sorry. It’s just...you don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of this moment.”
“What? What the fuck are you talking about? You... Marie—
Levi cuts himself off, pulling back because he’s confused and reeling again and he can’t have had heard Erwin right. Could he?
“Marie and I...we aren’t right for each other, Levi.” Erwin begins, gradually letting his hands slide off of Levi so that he’s just sitting there in front of him on the couch again. “We aren’t meant to be, and I think we both know that. We pretend, but...I don’t think that she loves me anymore, and I’m not sure she ever did. I’m not sure that I ever loved her myself, either, at least romantically, even though—
“ What? But I thought—
“When I found her you weren’t around, and neither was Nile. I...I didn’t even know if you were alive, and it seemed to make sense for us to...to do what we did, considering that we did have feelings for each other before. I was lonely, and she remembers our previous lives. She understands things that other people don’t because of that, but I was kidding myself, and I suspect that she’s still in love with Nile. She sees him sometimes, without telling me. I don’t think she’s actually cheating and I’m not sure how often, but—
“What the fuck?” Levi swears.
Although what Erwin is telling him is good — at least he thinks it is, even if it’s really sad too — he can’t help but feel defensive on his behalf, because if Marie doesn’t want to be with him anymore can’t she just tell him that instead of sneaking around?
“It’s alright.” Erwin tell him, though, smiling suddenly in a way that makes his eye brighten. “I’m not angry with her, because I understand. And besides...well, it doesn’t matter, Levi, because I’m in love with someone else, too.”
“Someone...someone else?” Levi asks, eyes wide, barely able to believe that what Erwin is saying can actually be true.
Somehow, it is, though. Somehow, he’s not going to end up being as unlucky in this life as he had originally thought.
“Yes.” Erwin whispers, sounding a bit shaky, Levi thinks, despite the happy expression on his face. “It’s you, Levi. It’s always been you. I love you too, so much, and I almost can’t remember a time when I didn’t. I—
Whatever Erwin had been about to say...well, it’s cut off because Levi is throwing himself into Erwin’s arms again, propelling himself forward so quickly that Erwin had to reach back to brace himself so that he won’t fall off the arm of the couch. With his other, he catches Levi around the waist and turns his head and then their lips are pressed together because Levi can’t hold himself back anymore, unable to stop himself from kissing Erwin as soon as he realizes his mouth is inches away from his own again.
He’s wanted it for so long, he thinks, and never thought that he’d actually be able to have it, and hearing Erwin say those words has him overwhelmed with so much happiness and relief and exhilaration that he forgets about Marie, forgets that he’d stopped Erwin from doing this exact thing moments before — he had been about to kiss him, Levi has realized — because technically he’s in a relationship with someone else. Technically, this probably isn’t right even if what he says is true, but despite that, Erwin can’t even pretend to resist Levi now that he’s in his arms again either.
No, instead of that, he’s opening his mouth and kissing Levi back with an earnest vehemence that threatens to make his knees weak, holding onto him tightly and even squeezing him with his legs as if he’s almost afraid to let him go. It’s desperate, Levi thinks, and emotionally charged — there’s been decades of buildup, how could it not be? — and Erwin tastes so good that Levi thinks he might die. His lips are warm and soft and the way he’s holding him goes straight to his head, but it’s not until his own palm ends up on Erwin’s chest and over his heart that he realizes what he’s doing and finally pulls away.
“Fuck.” He curses, probably looking alarmed because...well, he hadn’t meant to do that.
He hadn’t come there that night planning to become the other man in Erwin’s garage, but that’s what seems to be happening, because what the fuck are they going to do? He doesn’t know, and although his heart is singing that Erwin loves him back, it also hurts again to think that they might not be able to be together. Still, though, just like with everything else, it seems that he’s worrying for nothing, because, of course, Erwin — always thinking ahead, even in this life — seems to have already developed a plan.
“It’s alright.” He says, smiling so happily at Levi that he can’t help but actually smile back. “I’ll talk to Marie tonight.”
“Tonight?”
That’s so soon, Levi thinks. Is Erwin sure? He’s not complaining if he does so, obviously, because patience has never, ever been his strong suit, but...well, he doesn’t want him to rush into anything if he’s not ready yet either.
“Yes. I don’t want to waste anymore time, Levi.” Erwin says though, making Levi’s heart flutter. “I want to be with you, now that...well, now that things are different. I used to dream about this exact thing, you know. I used to think that if I hadn’t made so many mistakes when I was a boy and somehow still met you, that this is the kind of life I would want. I thought that even before I met Marie again, but like I said, I didn’t even know if you were in this world too. If there’s any chance that I can have this now, though, then I want to take it. Ah...if you’ll have me, I mean.”
At that, Levi makes a face, incredulous. “Have you? Why the the fuck wouldn’t I? Didn’t you hear any of the shit that I just said?”
“I did. I’m just not sure that I deserve you, even now. That’s why I never told you how I felt because I couldn’t fathom that you’d feel the same way, but unfortunately, in the end, I seem to be just as selfish in this life as I was in the first.”
“No, you’re just full of shit, like I told you earlier.” Levi mutters, his tone gentle despite his words. Biting his lip, he reaches out, unable to help placing his hands on Erwin’s chest again before he continues. “I told you, you idiot: I want to be by your side. I’m not fucking perfect and you clearly have questionable taste in men, but it’s bullshit to think that you don’t deserve to be happy. It doesn’t matter what you did, in this life or the one before. I was happy where I was, and you can’t keep punishing yourself. Don’t you remember when I said it was only thanks to you that we got that far anyway?”
Erwin pauses for a moment, staring at Levi. Then, a second later, he swallows, and gives him a smile that seems to be a bit rueful, but at least accepting. “Yes, I remember. Thank you, Levi. You were so good to me back then, although I’m not sure what you mean about my taste. That’s actually one of the few things I know I’ve never been wrong about.”
Levi scoffs and rolls his eyes; he’d only been trying to make Erwin laugh when he’d said that, but he feels his cheeks start to burn hot all the same. It’s ridiculous, he thinks, that he’s blushing over Erwin’s flirty, cheesy comment, but he is and he can’t deny that it made his heart hammer either, and it all only gets worse when he realizes that there’s nothing he can do it hide it — especially when nothing is holding Erwin back now from running his damn mouth about it, either.
“You’re blushing.” He says, chuckling, which just causes Levi’s scowl to deepen reflexively. In contrast, Erwin smiles wider, and the next thing he knows, his big, warm palm is cradling his cheek, and he’s speaking in a much lower tone that has Levi’s mouth going dry. “God, you look beautiful. I want to kiss you again, and touch you, and hold you properly in my arms. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted that, Levi, I’ve had dreams where—
“Erwin.” Levi grounds out, clenching his fists and interrupting him because...well, because he’s pretty fucking sure where Erwin is going with that, and if he doesn’t stop then he isn’t sure that he won’t be able to make himself fucking wait again.
“Sorry.” Erwin apologizes then, smiling in a way that Levi might almost call shy. It’s fucking cute, he thinks, and god he wants to touch him too, but at that point, he’s pretty sure that he’s overstayed his welcome — at least in Marie’s eyes — and that he probably needs to go. He doesn’t want to, but he sighs and makes himself back away, watching as Erwin stands up right before he gets out his cell phone to check the time. “Let me get my keys, Levi, and I’ll drive you home. It’s still raining, and—
“But Marie...are you sure?”
“She won’t mind. She remembers you too, you know, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want you walking home in the rain.”
Levi opens his mouth to say that he doesn’t think she’d give a shit if she knew what they’d been doing in her garage, but then closes it again, because he has to admit he doesn’t want to walk home either, even if he finds himself wondering if it will ever be possible for him to not feel happy and warm again. It’s like he’s floating on a cloud, in fact, although he’d been so convinced that it wouldn’t have gone this way that part of him still almost can’t believe it actually did. It’s amazing, he thinks, to contemplate how he watched Erwin die once and never thought he’d see him again, much less to accept that he’d tell him how he’d felt and they’d end up together.
It’s dreamlike, but Erwin holds his hand in the car on the way home, though, and then walks him to his door so that he can give him a long, lingering hug and tell him that he loves him, again , and it feels so, so real in that moment that by the time he’s finally alone, his heart is singing and he’s even wearing a small, satisfied smile.
Later that night, though, he can’t sleep. He’s still too worked up, and he wonders how Erwin is doing and if he really did get a chance to talk to Marie. It’s not that he doubts Erwin’s intentions, he thinks, but conversations like that are hard to have, and he can’t help but feel a little guilty for breaking up their relationship even if — according to Erwin, at least — neither one of them is happy. He’s worried that it will all go wrong, that she’ll be upset and Erwin will change his mind because this is all actually too good to be true, but the next morning, just when he’d started to think that things couldn’t possibly get any better, he wakes up to a surprise.
It’s Erwin, incredibly enough, on his doorstep, dressed nicely and holding a dozen roses even though it’s only 10 o’clock in the fucking morning. He’s wide awake and smiling while Levi has just woken up, and although he knows Erwin has seen him looking a lot worse before stinking and covered in mud and shit and blood on the battlefield, he finds himself feeling a little self-conscious because he’s still wearing faded sleep shorts and a loose fitting tank top. He knows his hair is a mess and he hasn’t even brushed his teeth yet, but Erwin still says hello and beams at him, practically, as if Levi in that moment is the best thing he’s ever seen.
“Hello.” He says, barely able to contain his grin after Levi answers the door. “I’m sorry I woke you. I should have called, but you look…amazing.”
Again, Levi blushes at the compliment. He scowls, though, because Erwin is chuckling fondly at his appearance and it’s ridiculous, but of course he let’s him in all the same, eyeing the flowers and reaching out for them when Erwin finally chooses to hand them over.
“These are for you.” He says, while Levi mumbles a ‘thanks’ and then brings them to his nose so that he can smell them.
They’re fresh, he thinks, and he’s not at all missing out on the meaning behind them being roses , hoping that because of that, Erwin has come there and brought them so early because he has good news. He can’t imagine that there’s another reason, but still, his stomach does flips as he makes his way into the kitchen to find a vase, watching Erwin carefully when he follows him and then puts his hands into his pockets before leaning against a counter.
“Levi, I talked to Marie.” He starts then, causing Levi to turn, freeze, and stare up at him expectantly. His eyes are wide, he thinks, and his heart is doing palpitations in his chest, but Erwin is smiling warmly at him, and he can’t help but feel an overwhelmingly warm surge of hope . “Everything went well. Better than I expected, actually.”
Immediately, Levi feels so much relief that he swears its a miracle he doesn’t collapse. He exhales, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, and is again closing the distance between them before he even realizes what he’s doing. Throwing his arms around Erwin’s middle, he buries his face into his chest and squeezes him tightly, suddenly feeling nearly overcome with emotions so strong that they makes his eyes water. It’s the thought that this is really happening, he knows, that causes it, that there truly is nothing standing in between them anymore, that Erwin is his , finally, and—
Wait...Erwin is his now, right?
“Uh.” Levi utters then, realizing that Erwin hasn’t told him what actually happened. Instead, he’d started to and Levi had interrupted him, but he hopes by the way that Erwin has embraced him back and buried his face into his hair means that he’s free to do so too. “So...so, do you—
“Belong to you? Yes. She actually thanked me, you know.”
“What? Thanked you?”
“Yes. She wants Nile, like I suspected, and she felt the same way that I did about us not belonging together. She was afraid of hurting me and that’s why she hasn’t brought it up, but she said when you showed up on our doorstep last night that she knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That I was in love with you. That our relationship was over.”
“Oh.” Levi utters, biting his lip because when Erwin puts it that way...well, it sounds so sad.
Even if they aren’t meant to be, Levi thinks, he’s sure that they were close. He’s sure that Marie once made Erwin happy too, and provided him comfort when he was lonely. He told Levi himself that he was even if he was looking for relief in the wrong place, but still, Erwin hasn’t stopped smiling since he’d walked into Levi’s apartment, and Levi wants him so badly that he’s not going to let that get in his way.
“Do you know what else she said, Levi?” Erwin asks him them, gazing down at Levi with a hint of something mirthful in his expression.
“What?”
“That she suspected I had feelings for you even back then, in our old life. She said that the first time I introduced you to her, I looked at you like...like…”
Erwin trails off, swallowing as his eyes move to take in Levi’s face. Suddenly, they’re shining with something, Levi notices, and he’s bringing a hand up to cup his cheek, his smile gone now but only because he seems to be struck with raw emotion.
“Like what, Erwin?” Levi asks quietly then, feeling much of the same, honestly, but somehow still able to verbalize the question even as he reaches up to place his hands over Erwin’s shoulders.
“She said…” Erwin repeats, now gazing at Levi’s mouth with his own parted in anticipation. This time, unlike right after he’d confessed, Levi doesn’t have to suspect that Erwin is getting ready to kiss him again. His heart skips a beat at the thought and he notices that Erwin’s cheeks have gone pink, feeling his own face flush, too, when Erwin gently slides his thumb over Levi’s bottom lip before he finally looks into his eyes again to answer his question. “She said that I looked at you like you were the only other person there in the room.”
Levi can’t help it; he makes a noise of longing at that, one that is sort of like a whimper but that is also muffled by Erwin’s mouth. He leans over to kiss him, Levi sees, as soon as he finishes speaking, and immediately, Levi throws his arms around his neck and pushes himself up onto his tiptoes so that he can embrace him back. Like that, they hold onto each other and move their lips and Levi sinks his fingers into Erwin’s hair, swallowing the sound of absolute bliss Erwin makes in response to the touch — somehow without even skipping a beat.
It’s quiet, Levi thinks, but fucking inflaming, and he’s glad that they don’t have to stop this time because he’s pretty sure that it would take an act of biblical proportions to get him out of Erwin’s arms. Erwin, too, is squeezing him so tightly to his chest that it’s a wonder he can get any air in between that and their increasingly heated kissing, and although he’s the first one to let his hands wander and eventually slide his palm over Levi’s ass, it’s Levi who pulls away and starts to drag Erwin backwards by grabbing at one of his wrists.
“Come on.” He murmurs, managing to tug Erwin along for a few steps before he stops him again.
“Wait.” He says, pausing while Levi raises a confused eyebrow. Wait, he thinks? Wait for what? Haven’t they done enough of that already? As far as he’s concerned they have, and because of how tempting Erwin looks now — with his lips all red, wet and shiny from kissing, along with his ruddy face and mussed hair — Levi’s general lack of patience is already even worse. “Where are we going?”
“What do you mean, ‘where are we going?” Levi asks, snorting at what he sees is a pretty obvious question.
“I mean—
“We’re going to the bedroom.” Levi interrupts, biting his lip before stepping forward again into Erwin’s arms. Immediately, his hands come to rest on Levi’s waist while Levi slides his own up Erwin’s chest, trying to look and act as tempting as possible because...well, one glance downward is all it takes for him to realize that Erwin has an erection, and that whatever he’s stopping for, it likely doesn’t have to do with him not actually wanting this. “Or that’s where we were going. I thought you wanted that, since you were talking all that shit last night about touching me and holding me, or whatever. Don’t tell me you’ve got cold feet, commander.”
Amusingly enough to Levi, Erwin’s eyes go lidded right away at that, and his mouth all but drops open as if he’s taken aback by Levi’s brazenness. Obviously, the words have affected him, but still, he manages to swallow, clearing his throat after and offering Levi a warm smile before he continues.
“No.” He says, slipping his fingers up underneath Levi’s tank top as if to demonstrate. They brush across his skin, Levi thinks, and make him feel as if he’s positively on fire, and it’s all he can do to not use all of his strength to physically drag Erwin out of his kitchen and into the bedroom. “But...before you give another part of yourself to me, Levi, I just want you to know that I won’t take it for granted. I won’t let it go to waste, because I want to give you everything too, I promise. I couldn’t back then, and I was foolish. Things are different now though, and all I want is to make you happy. I love you so much, Levi. I—
“I love you too.” Levi blurts, unable to stop himself from rising up onto his tiptoes so that he can practically throw himself at Erwin and pull him into an embrace.
Winding his arms around his neck, he feels Erwin catch him too, wasting no time in holding him tightly while he also lets out some sort of breathy, relieved exhale, as if he had been expecting Levi to deny him or change his mind or something at the reminder of how things had been in their past lives even after everything. Needless to say, the thought wouldn’t have ever actually crossed Levi’s mind, but even so, Erwin’s words — no Erwin’s promise — mean a lot to him, and he feels his eyes sting with unshed tears again just because he’s so happy and can still barely believe that it’s happening.
Things had seemed so hopeless so many times in both his lives, he thinks, and it’s nice to be sure that he can finally be content, that he can finally just enjoy how amazing it is to be in love now that he isn’t plagued by uncertainty or girlfriends or fucking titans. It feels good to know that his future is looking bright now that Erwin will be a fixture in it, too, and it feels even better when Erwin’s lips find his own again, when after another few moments of desperate kissing, he bends suddenly, and lifts Levi up into his arms so that he can carry him off to the bedroom himself.
Like that, they hit the mattress and quickly end up a tangle of limbs, and afterward, after everything, while wrapped in Erwin’s arms, Levi thinks that he’s finally become lucky enough to find the meaning of pure bliss.