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It was the littlest, most mundane moment that had Ryuunosuke staggering as he realized just how he felt for Atsushi.
They’d been laying together on his couch at his apartment; Gin was gone for the evening. Where, Ryuunosuke didn’t know, but he’d knew she’d come back and come back safely. Atsushi’s back was pressed against his chest, Ryuunosuke’s arms around his waist and his chin on Atsushi’s shoulder. A thick black blanket was laid over them as they read. Atsushi read out loud and in between chapters, they’d discuss the events, the characters, and the writing itself.
The book was Cloud Atlas. Atsushi loved how the book’s stories intertwined and fit together like puzzle pieces. Ryuunosuke, while enjoying the writing, found the shift in tone and genre styles of the six different voices distracting. He was especially irritated by the death of Sixsmith in the Luisa Ray story, and why the author felt the need to incorporate him into the next story just to kill him off.
Atsushi agreed that while he didn’t especially like that bit, he still saw Sixsmith’s story as something to be hopeful about. “Because his story doesn’t stop after his death, and it keeps meeting the soul that was Frobisher’s. They’ll always meet, again and again, no matter how long it takes, no matter what story is being told. There’s always that hope that they’ll find each other.”
Snorting quietly into Atsushi’s hair, Ryuunosuke closed his eyes.
“You’re so sentimental.”
Atsushi laughed, nose nudging against Ryuunosuke’s neck. “Someone has to be, between the two of us.”
Silver hair brushed against his eyelashes and when Ryuunosuke turned his head to press a little kiss to Atsushi’s cheek, pausing in their chapter, Atsushi suddenly laughed.
“Your hair tickles when it gets in my face like that.”
It was such a pure, lovely sound it sank into his bones and came to one, final conclusion deep within him— something Ryuunosuke hadn’t been able to put a name to even long after they’d begun a relationship. After they finally became proper partners in both battle, outside of battle, and even in bed. After Atsushi took in and accepted Ryuunosuke into his bed as a lover.
They’d never said it.
Nearly a year and a half of being with one another, they’d never said it.
Ryuunosuke didn’t even have a word to it, didn’t have the words; because it was something that he’d never experienced before. What he had with Gin was different; he loved her as the only family that he knew and regarded. As far as Ryuunosuke was concerned, he had no family apart from Gin. Any other family he had was long gone.
He’d never had the touch of a lover before Atsushi, nor did he have the words for it.
(Nor had Atsushi, who’d only so recently come to know the love of a family he’d never had before. He’d had no name for it either; until now. Until he felt Ryuunosuke smile against Atsushi’s ear at a terrible pun Atsushi’d made.)
All it took for Ryuunosuke to finally know— was Atsushi’s laughter at something so small and unremarkable as Ryuunosuke’s hair tickling his face.
He was left staggering, unsure what to do with himself. What to do with this new knowledge. What did he even say?
“Did you know?” He asked Gin one quiet night over dinner.
Atsushi wasn’t there; he was at his own apartment with Kyouka, who’d come to know of their relationship and Atsushi was taking baby steps to reconciliation between them. She’d been angry and hurt when she’d found out, but as she saw the change in a man she once hated.. she began to see why, even if she didn’t completely understand. She didn’t trust him enough to eat dinner with him, but Kyouka no longer tried to stab Ryuunosuke at first sight. As far as Atsushi was concerned, that was a good step forward.
Gin paused, staring at her brother over her champon.
“Did I know.. what?” She asked.
He made a quick gesture, looking away with a tch. “About… Atsushi, and me?”
Gin lowered her chopsticks.
“You mean, that you love him?”
Silence.
Slowly, she smiled.
“Nii-san… I’ve known for a long time.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She closed her eyes and returned to eating. “Would you have believed me if I did?”
Her brother’s silence was her answer.
There were so many times that he could’ve said it; in the middle of a fierce fight, their abilities working together to defeat a common enemy, protecting one another. When Atsushi tended to his wounds and injuries. When they ate ochazuke and had tea. When they bickered and argued over the stupidest things, things they would scoff at and perhaps smile about later. When they sat together and said nothing at all, staring out at the city skyline, their city.
He could’ve said it in the dark, their bodies sore, bare, and entangled together. Their hands would entwine, lacing together, while Atsushi caught his breath and Ryuunosuke’s thighs trembled, both recovering from the afterglow of their climaxes. During fierce rounds of lovemaking and sex, Ryuunosuke could’ve said something— he had all of those opportunities and did not take them. The moment always escaped him before he could go through with it.
The moment never felt quite right, Ryuunosuke couldn’t quite formulate it on his tongue.
The moment wasn’t until Ryuunosuke woke up to the sound of dishes being cleaned and the soft whistle of a kettle. He walked into the kitchen to find Atsushi at the sink, their cups of tea already steeping and steaming. Barefoot as he cleaned, Atsushi wore one of Ryuunosuke’s dark shirts that showed off his collar bone and the nape of his neck, and shorts hidden just beneath the hem of the shirt. Love bites and bruises from kisses lined his jaw, shoulders and neck. He was distracted, humming some nonsense song under his breath, but he smiled and chirped good morning at Ryuunosuke.
It left him before Ryuunosuke ever knew what he was saying.
“I love you.”
The dishes clattered loudly in the sink as they fell out of Atsushi’s hands.
Wide-eyed, Atsushi gaped at Ryuunosuke, and had his own heartbeat not been thrumming in his ears, he would’ve made a witty comment about how comical his shock was. But now, the words had passed his lips, and he could say no other.
In the morning light, Atsushi’s sunset eyes shimmered like glass.
And then, the elation of the smile that spread across his lips, eyes misting over with a joy unknown to him, and he strangled out a laugh.
A tear ran down Atsushi’s nose when he threw his arms around Ryuunosuke’s neck and kissed him hard, the dishes forgotten in the sink.
“I love you, too.”