Archive of Our Own

Alex was drinking. She was drinking because that’s what she did when she didn’t really know what else to do with all of the feelings that bubbled up in her chest. She drank. And boy, did she have feelings she really didn’t want to deal with right then.

So she was drinking.

At least she was drinking at the alien bar, with Kara and some others, not at home, on her couch, with what had been a new bottle of whiskey on the coffee table in front of her. She wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to her sister, Mon-El, Imra, J’onn or Winn. She was paying attention to her whiskey, even though Kara annoyingly kept making sure she wasn’t drinking too much, too quickly.

And, of course, the other thing that had her attention was the reason why she was drinking in the first place.

She swirled the liquid around her glass as she stared into it, trying not to relive the moment that was seared into her brain over and over again. How could she have been so stupid?

The stupidity had begun back on Earth-1, with all of her declarations about needing to get back home, to get back to her. To get back to Maggie. But no one, not a single person, thought it was a good idea for Alex to go back to Maggie and plead forgiveness and hope she’d be taken back. Not Kara, not her mom, not even Sara Lance had thought it was a good idea. It was as though everyone had secretly conspired with each other against advising Alex to see Maggie and declare her undying love for her.

After they’d been back from Earth-1 for a few days, after they’d mostly recovered from the harrowing events of Barry’s interrupted wedding, Alex had found herself restless. She wasn’t sleeping. She was barely eating. She was pacing a lot. And thinking a lot. There were a million possibilities when it came to the potential fallout from Alex’s pleading with Maggie. She was certain there were at least that many. So many things could be said. By opening herself up to Maggie, by pleading with the woman she’d broken up with, she knew she could be devastated beyond anything she’d ever felt before. And yet…

She couldn’t stop thinking about it. So she’d decided that the time for thinking was over.

She’d braced herself and headed to Maggie’s new apartment early that evening. The phone wouldn’t have done. It would have to be in person. Where Maggie could see how truly sorry and regretful Alex was.

She had parked her Ducati around the corner from Maggie’s building, in an alley that wasn’t particularly sketchy-looking, then locked her helmet to the bike. Alex had just turned the corner when she saw her.

“Maggie,” she’d whispered, stopping in her tracks.

She was leaving her building and was smiling, walking briskly down the walkway.

Alex took a breath, her eyes moving ahead to see what Maggie was walking towards. Her heart skipped at least a beat, maybe two, she wasn’t sure. She was frozen as she realized what was happening. Maggie was meeting another woman.

Helplessly, Alex watched as the woman she loved, the woman she had fought to come home to from another dimension, embraced a blonde woman. The hug went on a little too long for Alex’s liking. The two got into the blonde’s car and drove off, leaving Alex feeling raw and empty inside.

She’d finally been able to turn around and get back to where her bike was parked, but she didn’t climb on. She was too upset to drive and some modicum of logic convinced her to wait. So Alex leaned against the building and let herself slide down to the pavement, the rough bricks scraping across the leather of her jacket. The soles of her boots on the ground, she’d rested her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands.

And Special Agent Alexandra Danvers, MD/PhD, had cried.

It had been like nothing else she’d ever felt. Her heart had leapt in her chest upon seeing Maggie, seeing her in the familiar leather jacket, her hair loose and flowing in the slight breeze, her smile lighting up her whole face, causing her dimples to be out on full display. It had only been a couple of months since they’d last seen each other, that day at the apartment, but it had been too long and Maggie had been all Alex could think about for the last week. She’d seen Maggie plenty of times in photos since the breakup. Even though all of the photos on her phone were safely backed up in two separate places, Alex still couldn’t make herself delete them. She’d been gazing at them multiple times a day since she’d gotten back. But to see her in person… It had been a moment akin to that first sip of water after a hard training session. It was delicious and sweet and the promise of more was right there.

In an instant, all that was left was a hollow ache inside her chest. Maggie and the woman had embraced. Maggie wasn’t a hugger. Alex knew that for a fact. She generally only hugged people she genuinely cared about. So she cared about this woman. And, judging by the way the blonde had held Maggie closely… Alex had forced herself to take a breath. And another. She couldn’t. She couldn’t handle it. The thought of the other woman’s hands tracing lines across Maggie’s skin. The idea of Maggie kissing her. The very notion that they could come back to her apartment that evening and sleep together. With almost no warning, Alex had felt her gorge rise and, thankfully, had managed to move into a kneeling position before she threw up. Twice.

She’d gotten on her bike and driven right home after that, berating herself all the way. How dare she feel so jealous and possessive of Maggie? She’d been the one to say it wouldn’t work. She’d been the one to break up with Maggie. She’d been the one to throw away the only person she’d ever loved in that way. And for what? For the concept that she’d like to be a mother?

Of course Maggie would move on. That’s what people did. It was normal. Alex knew she had no right to feel the way she did. Apart from anything else, it was hypocritical. She’d spent the night with Sara. No, her feeling this way about Maggie moving on was completely ridiculous and unjustified in the extreme.

So that was why she was sitting there at the bar, the next night, drinking.

Slowly, the members of the group bid one another goodnight and, soon, only Kara and Alex remained.

“My place?” Kara offered.

“Sure,” Alex replied. She didn’t know if she could sleep in the bed she’d shared with Maggie while feeling this shitty. She’d spent the previous night on the couch and that had been difficult enough.

“Okay. I’m just going to go settle the tab and then go to the bathroom.” She frowned at her sister. “Would you please drink some more water before we go? If you’re hungover in the morning, I know you won’t want to get breakfast at Noonan’s.”

Alex rolled her eyes and took an exaggerated sip.

“Well, I’ll take it,” Kara said, with a grin. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

She nodded and watched as her sister paid, then headed to the washrooms. She downed the last of her whiskey. She was at least mildly drunk. She’d finally managed to get the image of Maggie hugging that other woman out of her mind. Instead, what was running through her brain on a loop were the arguments they’d had about motherhood and family, Maggie making her say that they couldn’t be together and, as an extra-special bonus, Maggie telling her, tearfully, that she’d make a great mom.

Alex took a breath and let her thoughts envelope her. It wasn’t until she heard the television that she realized Kara hadn’t come back from the bathroom yet. She looked up at one of the screens above the bar.

“Good evening, National City, this is a special news alert. A five-alarm fire has broken out in downtown National City. Supergirl has just arrived on the scene.”

“Great,” muttered Alex. She was considering ordering another whiskey, since she probably shouldn’t head home on her own. She may as well wait for Kara to finish with the fire and be flown back to Kara’s. “What the hell? Why not?” she asked herself and slid out of the booth, then stood, perhaps a little too quickly. She looked over at the bar and set her jaw. She could make it there, she decided, and she started to make her way over to the bar.

The next thing she knew, a hard object hit her in left forearm before bouncing to the floor. She frowned and looked down as the cue ball from one of the pool tables rolled away from her and under another nearby table.

“Sorry,” called a familiar voice from the general direction in which the ball rolled. “Got away from me.”

Alex blinked as Maggie stood up from behind another pool table, victoriously brandishing the cue ball.

“Oh shit,” Maggie breathed. “Danvers?”

Alex swallowed hard, forcing herself not to throw up. Oh God, don’t let the other woman be here, she pleaded silently. “Maggie,” she greeted, perfunctorily. She paused. People generally asked how others were, didn’t they? “How are you?”

Maggie nodded. “I’m… you know, I’m okay. Fine, really,” she said, coming back to her table with the escaped cue ball. “You?”

She nodded back. “Good.” There was no need to launch into how she’d almost died at the hands of Earth-X’s Nazis, her last thoughts of Maggie, how she was filled with regret. She forced a smile. “You know, the usual stuff.”

Maggie quirked a smile. “Nothing you and your sister can’t handle, right?”

“Right,” Alex agreed. “I see you’re still terrible at pool,” she said, changing the subject, indicating the table with an upturned, outstretched left hand.

“Can’t say I’ve played much in the last couple of months,” Maggie answered, racking the balls. “You?”

She shook her head.

“Wanna play? Regular stakes, twenty bucks.”

Alex laughed. “I’m a little drunk.”

“And? You’ve won at pool while very drunk before,” she teased.

She wanted to. She really, really wanted to. She wanted to spend time with her, wanted to talk to her, wanted to hold her, hug her, kiss her…

“I shouldn’t,” she said. “Kara will be back from her… emergency… soon.” She moved her eyes towards the footage on the television and back to Maggie.

“Ah,” Maggie nodded. “Well, how about just for fun? Until your sister comes back?”

She shouldn’t. She knew she shouldn’t. She had to protect herself. What if she started talking about the other woman? Alex didn’t know if she could stand there and listen to Maggie discuss a new relationship. And yet…

With a sigh, Alex nodded. “Sure,” she said and walked to the wall and picked out a cue stick that wasn’t too bent or warped, still convinced this wasn’t the best of ideas.

“Your break, Danvers,” Maggie said, handing her the cue ball as she walked back up to the table.

Alex bit her lip to stay silent as Maggie’s fingertips brushed her hand. Her soft touch had been all Alex had been dreaming about for ages. This was definitely a bad idea. “Thanks,” she said, before placing it on the green felt. She chalked up her cue stick and adjusted the placement of the cue ball. She placed her left hand on the table and the tip of her cue fit comfortably in the groove between her thumb and forefinger. Carefully, she took aim and, with an impressive amount of precision, considering she’d had a more than just a couple of drinks, she hit the cue ball, sending it rocketing towards the other fifteen balls, scattering them across the table with a loud crack.

Two solid balls dropped into two separate pockets.

“About those stakes…” Alex said, standing up and leaning on her cue stick.

“No way,” Maggie said, “you had your chance. Nice try.”

Alex smiled at her and went back to scanning the table. She lined up the two and tapped the cue ball gently, sending it towards the two with just enough power to drop it into the corner pocket. The bit of backspin she’d put on the shot allowed the cue to come back a few inches, meaning she had a clear shot at the four.

With ease, she sank that one, too. She sank all of the solids without missing a single shot, then turned her attention to the eight. It would be a tricky shot, but she was relatively certain she could pull it off.

She was aiming, hoping to ricochet the cue off the rail before hitting the eight, which would then roll the inch or so into the side pocket, when Maggie’s phone rang, completely breaking her concentration.

“Sorry,” Maggie apologized. She pulled the phone out of the back pocket of her jeans and Alex winced as she saw Maggie smile at the caller ID.

“Hey!” Maggie said, smiling even more broadly as she answered, her dimples revealing themselves.

Alex straightened and pretended to chalk her cue again.

“Yeah, I had fun, too,” Maggie said, turning her back to the pool table she and Alex were playing on. “Let’s please do it again soon.”

Alex took a deep breath, knowing she was talking to the blonde from the night before. Or maybe even from this morning, Alex thought, savagely.

The thought that they’d spent the night together nauseated her. You’re the idiot who broke up with her. You have no right to feel like this, she repeated to herself silently, over and over again.

“Love you too, babe. Talk soon.”

Alex’s cue clattered to the floor, causing Maggie to turn back and look up after disconnecting the call.

She didn’t look back as Maggie called after her, instead walking straight out the door to the alley. When she exited the bar, she quickly texted Kara to let her know she was going home and she’d call the next day. And then she started walking. Down the alley to the street. Down the street to the next. And the next. She didn’t stop walking until she was home. Home, where there was a bottle of whiskey. Home, where there were just enough memories of Maggie to ensure that she wouldn’t sleep a wink.

She spent most of the fifteen minute walk home still in a daze that Maggie had moved on so quickly. It had taken them the better part of six months to say “I love you” to one another. How could Maggie have said it so easily to someone so soon after they’d— after she, Alex, had ended things?

As she climbed the stairs to her apartment, she realized she wasn’t just sad, but she was angry, too. “How dare she?” Alex muttered to herself. “She knew I was right there. She must have known how hurt I’d be.”

She stomped up a few more steps. “That was just designed to be mean,” she concluded, coming up to the last two flights of stairs. “Who does that to their ex?” she asked aloud, as she stormed up the first flight. “An insensitive sociopath, that’s who,” she answered herself as she jogged up the last flight. She wasn’t just angry, she was realizing. Alex was furious at Maggie. And herself, of course, for letting Maggie go in the first place, but Maggie was a much more convenient target to lash out at than herself.

Particularly as, when Alex pushed open the door to her hallway from the stairwell, Maggie Sawyer was standing there, leaning with her back against the door to Alex’s apartment.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she demanded.

“Alex, listen, let me explain,” Maggie replied, pushing herself off the door and approaching her.

“There’s nothing to explain,” Alex spat, moving past the smaller woman and unlocking her front door. “You moved on, I get it, that’s fine.”

“Alex, please, can—”

“You moved on,” Alex said. “That’s fine, I moved on, too.” She opened her door and let herself in. She turned to shut the door in Maggie’s face with satisfaction and stopped short once she saw the look on Maggie’s face.

“You… you moved on?” she asked, quietly.

She’d been thrown by Maggie’s reaction, but she powered through. “Yeah, yeah, I moved on. Met a gorgeous woman last week and we spent the night together,” she bragged, feeling powerful in the moment.

Maggie looked as though she’d been slapped across the face. “Oh,” she breathed, shoulders slumping.

Alex snorted. “What, so you can go and fall in love with someone and I can’t sleep with someone?”

She looked smaller than she usually did. Her body language had completely changed. Maggie had been ready for a fight when Alex had first encountered her in the hallway, but she just looked defeated.

“I didn’t fall in love with anyone, Alex. How could I when I’m still so in love with you?”

“Bullshit. I heard you on the phone,” she argued. “Love you too, babe?”

“That was an old friend from college who was in town. Monica? Remember, the one who lives in Alaska?”

Alex nodded slowly, letting it sink in. “So…” She took a breath. “She’s the blonde you were hugging last night?”

Maggie frowned. “You have agents on me or something?”

She blew out a breath and held open the door. “I think we should talk.”

Maggie looked up at her, still frowning, but came into the apartment anyway. Alex shut and locked the door behind her.

“Beer? I was going to go for the whiskey myself, but I might still have some scotch,” Alex said, heading to the kitchen.

“Is the DEO tailing me? I haven’t noticed anyone. Kara occasionally flew by in the early days, but I haven’t even seen her around lately. So what’s going on?”

“Right down to business, okay,” Alex said, turning around and leaning back against the counter, her arms folded in a defensive posture. “I saw you last night.”

“Were you following me?”

She shook her head and sighed. “I lied at the bar. Everything hasn’t been all right,” she said.

Maggie frowned. “I’m listening,” she said, folding her own arms and looking at her from across the bar.

Alex moved out from the kitchen and started pacing alongside the fireplace, knitting her fingers together. “Kara and I went to Earth-1.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded, still pacing. “Her friend Barry had his wedding. Or was supposed to. And it was interrupted by these evil doppelgängers from Earth-X.”

“Wait, what?”

Alex stopped pacing and looked over at Maggie, who was still frowning, still looking as though she wasn’t quite sure whether or not she should believe Alex. She blew out another breath. “Earth-X is another Earth out there. It’s technically Earth-53. And it’s a lot like our Earth… except that the Nazis won World War Two.”

Maggie’s frown deepened and her forehead furrowed. “Excuse me?”

“So the Nazis are in power there and they… they had an evil Kara.”

Her eyes widened. “Their Kara was a Nazi??”

Alex nodded. “So basically, they captured us, were going to kill Kara for her heart because the evil Kara’s heart had absorbed too much solar radiation and the rest of us were brought to Earth-X to be executed.”

Maggie blinked. “Alex, are… I… you’re okay?”

She nodded. “We got saved. I mean,” she laughed awkwardly, “you know, here I am.” She shook her head. “But it was… close. And, I… I was just… I had resigned myself to… You know? Like… like that was it. That I was about to die,” she said, quietly. “And I thought about Kara and how I’d… how I’d let her down.” She fidgeted with her hands, fighting back the tears, remembering how awful it had felt to know that she had failed and that her sister would certainly die.

She looked over at Maggie. “And then I thought about you.” She gave her a weak smile. “I-I thought about how much I loved you. And how we hadn’t had so many of those…” She took a breath. “Those firsts. And, and, and how I’d thrown away the person I loved most in all the multiverse. For nothing. For a possibility.”

“Alex…”

“And how I’d made such a huge mistake, sleeping with Sara, and how all I wanted to do, more than anything, was just to see you once more before I died.” She exhaled and sat down heavily on the couch. She leaned forward, forearms resting on her thighs, and gazed at the darkened fireplace. “So last night, I was going to go to your place to tell you all that and to beg you to take me back and throw myself at your mercy.”

“So you saw me as I was leaving.”

Alex nodded, not even looking at Maggie. “And I figured it was a date.”

“Then you thought I was in a relationship with her when you heard me on the phone,” Maggie concluded.

Alex just nodded again. “I’m not stalking you. I promise.”

Maggie sat down next to her and lightly rubbed her back. “It’s okay, Alex. It’s okay.”

She scoffed. “I don’t deserve for everything to be okay.”

“You were hurting.”

“I was horrible to you just now in the hallway,” Alex muttered. “And I was horrible to you when I ended things. And I don’t deserve your understanding. I just fucked everything up.”

Maggie snickered. “Danvers, did you not hear what I said to you before?”

Alex turned to face her. “Hear what?”

“I told you I’m not in love with Monica. I’m not in love with her for a lot of reasons, but I couldn’t be in love with anyone… because I’m still so in love with you.”

She blinked. She had a vague memory of Maggie having said that, but it hadn’t really sunk in. “You are?”

“Alex… of course I am,” she said, smiling. She brushed Alex’s hair behind her ear. “I never stopped loving you.”

The relief of hearing Maggie say it, of knowing that her feelings were reciprocated, was unbelievable. She felt restored. It was like that moment Kara loved so much in The Wizard of Oz, where the sepia tones of Kansas gave way to the brilliant colours of Oz. She smiled hugely. “So… you’re saying you like me? That’s… that’s what I got,” she said, playfully, wagging her finger between them.

Maggie tilted her head at Alex, dimples fully exposed.

Alex leaned in and pressed her lips to Maggie’s, trying to let the kiss convey everything she felt, all the sorrow and regret, all the love and joy. Feeling Maggie’s lips move against hers was electrifying and when the other woman pulled away, Alex tried to follow.

“Slow down,” she said, softly. “I do believe there’s one other thing that needs explaining.”

Alex looked blank.

“Sara?”

“Fuck.”

Maggie laughed. “I can’t wait to hear this.”

Alex sat back hard against the couch, her head resting across the top of it, and she gazed up at the ceiling. “It was a wedding. And I was drunk.”

“I’m listening.”

Alex sighed. “I was drinking because I didn’t know anyone on Earth-1 and this cute girl came up to me and asked me why I was drinking and I said it was because my fiancée and I had just called off our wedding…”

“Mmm hmm.”

“And Sara asked if I’d caught him cheating. So I corrected her and then we were doing shots…” She frowned and sat up, looking ahead of her again. “There were a lot of shots.” She nodded. “Yeah. A lot. And then it was just so awkward and weird and…” She sighed again and turned to look at Maggie. “I felt like I’d cheated on you,” she admitted. “I wanted to come home to you before the wedding was even interrupted.”

Maggie nodded. “So,” she said, drawing it out. “Where do we go from here?” she asked.

Alex lightly ran her fingers through Maggie’s hair. “Can we just… pick up from where we left off?”

“Alex…”

“I love you,” she said, gently, cupping Maggie’s face.

“You loved me when you ended things, too,” she replied, softly.

Alex took a breath and sat back, pulling her hand away. “I did.”

“I believe that you mean it right now, that you want to be with me. I do,” Maggie insisted. “But what about six months from now? A year? Five years? Will you resent me for not having kids with you?”

She considered. “I’ve… I’ve had near-death experiences before,” she said, quietly, looking back out towards the fireplace. “The DEO isn’t known for its desk jobs,” she joked. “But being on that plane, the one that made Kara come out as Supergirl? I… I knew I was going to die. I knew it. There was no reason I could expect not to. So as the plane fell to the ground, I made my peace. I said a few words in my head, thinking of my mom, my dad, Kara… And I was ready to accept it.” She smiled. “And then my kid sister not only saves me, but reveals herself to the whole goddamn world.” She shook her head. “But even then, even knowing I was going to die in that moment, I didn’t feel the way I did on Earth-X.”

Maggie reached out and took Alex’s hand. Alex smiled and took it in both of hers and sat back against the sofa again. “And in the tank…” She took a breath. “In the tank, I knew you and Kara would save me. I had faith. Especially after talking to you about Gertrude.” She turned to look at Maggie again and smiled. “And I was right. You saved me.” She took a breath. “What I went through on Earth-X…”

She squeezed Maggie’s hand before releasing it and standing up to pace by the fireplace again. “There was no hope on Earth-X. None. All these superheroes, the Flash, Arrow, everyone, they were trapped with me, powerless. Kara was being held captive. It was a whole other Earth.” She forced herself to breathe. “It was the end of the line. Trapped on Earth-X, no one coming to our rescue, about to die by Nazi firing squad.” She stopped pacing and looked directly at Maggie. “But this time,” she said, “this time, I knew what I had been missing out on.” She quirked a grin. “That time on the plane? I was able to make my peace because I hadn’t experienced life yet, not really. But this time? I knew. I’d been in love. I’d been in love with you, Maggie.”

“Alex…”

“I was still in love with you, Maggie. And even though I couldn’t do anything to stop those bullets, I wasn’t prepared to just accept that I was never going to see you again. You were the only thought I had as I closed my eyes, as they brought up their rifles. It was you. You. Not some possibility of a kid. Not the prospect of raising a family.” She walked back over to Maggie. “It was you. I need you by my side, Maggie, for the rest of my life.”

Maggie’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as Alex knelt in front of her, taking her hands in her own. “You were the last thing on my mind,” she said, squeezing her hands for emphasis, “and that was my biggest regret. My life didn’t flash before my eyes. It was us, our relationship, that did. And in those few seconds before I was absolutely sure I was going to die, I mourned the waste of time the last couple of months have been. Time we could have spent together.” She brought Maggie’s hands to her lips and sweetly kissed the backs of each of them. “Every moment that I wasn’t spending with you was time lost.”

Maggie placed her hands on Alex’s cheeks. “I love you,” she whispered and leaned forward, kissing her deeply. After a moment, she turned away from the kiss, stood, pulled Alex to her feet and led her to the bed.

***

Later, as Maggie was spooning her, Alex reflected to herself that this was all she needed. All she would ever need. It would have been nice to have kids, but not at the cost of losing the woman next to her. Nothing was worth that. She turned her head and placed a kiss on Maggie’s upper arm. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Maggie rumbled back. There was a pause and then she chuckled. “I can’t believe you had a one-night stand.”

Alex laughed. “Really? That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

“It’s kind of funny.”

“Wait, wait, what? What’s funny about that?”

Alex could feel Maggie’s smile against her shoulder. “I seem to remember, not all that long ago, your protesting my assumption that you were gay.”

“Oh god,” she groaned. “You are never going to let me forget about that, are you?”

“Nope,” she smiled. “And, you know,” murmured Maggie, “if I weren’t so damn jealous about the whole thing, I’d be proud of you, Danvers.”

She blinked. “Wait, jealous? Proud? What?”

“If you’ll recall,” Maggie said, softly, “I wanted you to experience things for yourself. So part of me is proud that you did.”

Alex turned over to look at Maggie, knowing she shouldn’t really ask. And yet…

“But… you’re jealous?”

“Very jealous. Jealous enough to make you forget all about Sara,” Maggie said, seductively, slipping her hand beneath the sheets.

She gasped. “Sara who?”

Maggie smiled wolfishly. “Exactly.”

Alex decided, with her last ounce of lucid thinking, that she was quite glad she had asked, in the end.