Chapter Text
Kris was getting sick of smiling. The interviews he had been subjected to were making his face hurt and his throat sore. The hordes of shark-like journalist he smiled so wide at, who were all so willing to exploit his every word and criticize his every decision, made him nauseous. Every time they asked him questions like: if Adam mistreated him, how long their relationship would last, or about their sex-life- Kris wanted to punch something until his hand bled.
The problem was that he and Adam had been together for a few months now and Kris, well he wasn’t proud to say, had doubts. And every cheery, blonde, blindingly brilliant smiling reporter who asked him how he and Adam were going to be together if Kris was going to get old and die, pushed those fears forward in Kris’s mind. Even as Adam made every attempt to make sure that their relationship, and the vampire’s near constant need to be in Kris’s immediate vicinity at all times, didn’t hinder Kris’s career or cause any uncomfortable situations.
But, Adam still hadn’t mentioned Kris’s obvious mortality and Kris refused to bring up the topic due to the over whelming fear that coursed through him when he thought about Adam’s possible answers. So, Kris pushed the doubts away and smiled- at Adam, at Katy, at Cale, and at those fucking reporters.
The only problem about lying to yourself though, is that you can’t exactly hide from yourself. In sleep, when Kris was most defenseless, his dreams invaded his mind and shattered all his carefully built illusions. Thankfully, Kris had adopted Adam’s sleep pattern. Which meant when Kris woke up panting in cold sweats Adam was blissfully dead to the world beside him.
Most of the time Kris just watched Adam sleep until he was able to drift back off. Or he would roam around the house exploring the rooms restlessly. Kris had moved in with Adam, to stabilize their bond Adam had said, but he hadn’t sold his own place yet. Katy had approved of the move, and pretty much anything else that kept Adam from disappearing with Kris to the far side of the world for who knows how long.
Adam’s house was huge and even though Kris knew that Adam’s roommate Tommy lived somewhere in the house he never really saw him. Tommy was also a vampire; he and Adam had been running together for what Adam had flippantly called a few centuries. Kris liked Tommy- he was funny, short, feisty, and straight.
Kris was restless again today, writing songs in the library while Adam slept. Every time he tried to catch a melody though, it would float out of his mind to be replaced by the gloating faces of all the interviewers. Kris believed that Adam loved him right now, trusted him to keep his word that Kris meant a great deal to him and that there was no other. But, what did all that mean to someone who would live forever? Kris needed to believe that Adam loved him enough to keep him forever.
Kris hummed and stroked his fingertips across the strings. This was useless. He just didn’t have the heart to write these days. His mind was too occupied with other things, important things that wrecked his concentration and ruined his sleep. Kris sighed as he stood to put his guitar back on its stand and made his way back to his and Adam’s bedroom.
He stood in the door way and watched Adam’s relaxed features, his still chest that should be rising and falling, and tried not to think about how deeply he’d fallen in the two and half months they’d been together. Kris had been lost in Adam since that red V had appeared on his door. He was petrified that Adam was going to leave him stranded in the wilderness- wandering, wanting, waiting.
Kris climbed into bed and curled against Adam’s side. Adam would probably be hungry when he woke up, it had been a day or so since he’d taken from Kris. His last thought before Kris fell asleep was that if he didn’t get his shit together and lock down some tracks for the new album Katy was going to murder him... Adam couldn’t leave him if Kris was dead.
Of course, Kris thought humorlessly, the entire problem was that Adam was dead and Kris was not.
……….
“Kris, you’re killing me here sweetheart…” Katy’s stare pierced Kris through the glass as her voice sounded sharply over the intercom system into the recording booth.
Kris just gave her a resigned look. They had already had this fight and spending more time in the studio wasn’t helping Kris or fulfilling Katy’s schedule for the album. Kris took off the headphones and walked to the door that would let him into the sound booth.
When he opened the door Katy was standing with her hand on her hips, looking just as exhausted and at a loss as Kris felt, “What are we going to do Kris? The label wanted this album yesterday and you can’t seem to even record the songs we do have, much less write songs for the blank spaces we still have to fill.”
Kris could hear the frustration in Katy’s voice and in his own as he replied, “I know, OK. I know that it’s important that the album drop before the fall or I won’t even have a chance at being a contender for the award circuit this year.”
Katy nodded, “that’s right, awards sell albums Kris.”
Katy’s posture relaxed a little as she walked to stand in front of Kris; tentatively she reached out to put her hand on his shoulder. Kris glanced quickly at the couch towards the back of the room where Adam lay sprawled out reading a book. To anyone who looked at him he seemed deeply engrossed in his reading but, Kris knew better. In reality Adam was very closely following the conversation and making sure that Katy’s hand made what Adam deemed appropriate contact with Kris’s person.
Katy smiled, “Kris, my job is to harass you into fulfilling your contracts and releasing rocking albums. However, my other job is to make sure that you’re OK. I know that something’s wrong. Music is your life Kris…”
Katy’s level of concern only made Kris feel worse. If Katy could see through him, then maybe Adam could too.
Katy’s eyes searched Kris’s face, “and if you can’t access that music right now, then that must mean that something big is bothering you.”
Kris shrugged and looked away from her eyes, trying to find solid ground for his swirling emotions, “I’m fine Katy. I’ve just hit a block is all.”
Katy’s expression got more determined, “no Kris, you haven’t hit a block… you’ve lost the melody completely. You haven’t written a new song in months and your singing has lost that depth I used to hear every time you opened your mouth.”
Kris didn’t so much see as feel Adam shift where he was on the couch. Katy’s probing was going to get Adam’s attention. Until now, Kris had assured Adam that all the trial and error, all the bickering, was simply a process that always went into making an album. Kris hadn’t told Adam that usually being in the studio, working on something new, used to fill him with overwhelming joy and satisfaction.
But, Katy had spilled the beans, had shed uncomfortable light on how abnormal Kris’s current behavior was, and now Adam would most assuredly confront Kris about it. Adam seemed to care a great deal about Kris’s unhappiness.
How could Kris explain that the last few months with Adam were both the happiest and the most uncertain Kris had ever had in his life? He loved Adam so much, it was scary. And Kris could accept that Adam returned that love just as fiercely. It was just that Kris wasn’t sure if when Adam said forever, he meant Kris’s mortal, human version of forever or Adam’s limitless, unfathomable version of forever.
Kris just placed his hand over Katy’s, still resting on his shoulder, a small smile on his lips, “Don’t worry Katy, the music always finds me… I just need a little more time.”
Katy shook her head, “unless I can give the higher ups something really good to tide them over in the next few days, then we may be out of time Kris.”
Kris huffed, “OK, look, we have some really solid filler songs that I recorded a few months ago. Those were really good, up-beat poppy kind of rock songs that I really dig on the album. So, what we really need is a title track. If I can get you one in a week, will that buy us some leniency?”
Katy chewed the inside of her lip as she looked at Kris, concern still evident in her face. Kris could tell that she wanted to say something else and he almost panicked when she glanced quickly back to where Adam lay sprawled on the couch. What did she think? What did she guess?
Kris sighed in relief when she simply nodded and moved to grab her purse to leave, “yeah, Kris, you get me a title track and I’ll make sure you get a little more time to get it together.”
When she left Kris just stared at the glass that separated the sound booth from the recording studio. He wasn’t even sure how to begin to get his act together. Deep down he knew that it would involve a conversation with Adam that Kris just wasn’t ready to have yet. But, he needed the music back.
Before Adam, a lot of Kris’s songs had been about finding what he was searching for. His music had been about life, his songwriting had always been personal, and music was a journey for him. Now, with Adam, Kris felt like he had reached the destination. Adam had blazed into his life, turning out to be nothing like Kris expected and everything he didn’t know he needed.
But, now that Kris had reached the destination he found himself with another journey in front of him. He was just completely unaware of where it was taking him and at a loss to put any of what he was feeling into useable lyrics.
Kris startled when he felt a hand settle on the back of his neck, nimble fingers needing the tense muscles there. Adam always knew the exact places to press so that Kris could relax.
Adam’s voice was soft and soothing, “how about we just head home babe? We can spend the rest of the night just taking it easy,” Adam gave Kris a small concerned smile, “you seem so tired Kris.”
Kris just nodded and let Adam thread his fingers through Kris’s and lead him out of the room. Home and rest sounded amazing; Kris’s constant attempt to reel in his churning thoughts was exhausting.
Once they got home Kris expected Adam to try and start a conversation about Katy’s comments to Kris. But, Adam just nudged him towards their bedroom with directions for Kris to lie down before he passed out.
Adam smiled, “I’ll join you in a little bit, ok?”
Kris just nodded, the promise of sleep already making his eyelids heavy and his movements lethargic. He hadn’t been getting a lot of sleep for, well, he couldn’t remember when the insomnia had started. Kris had probably been losing precious amounts of sleep for weeks now because of the nightmares. Maybe, he thought, a little nap would afford him a few hours of uninterrupted sleep- without the dreams for once.
Kris should have known better…
Tommy looked dangerous as he stared at Kris, too close for comfort. Kris didn’t know if he was more uncomfortable with the way Tommy’s hands roamed his body, over Kris’s naked chest and jean-clad thighs, or if it was the hungry, possessive look that seemed to burn into Kris’s skin.
Kris tried to move away from the touch, knowing Adam would be upset that he was allowing Tommy to touch him so intimately. This was definitely on Adam’s list of gestures considered inappropriate contact.
Kris soon realized that he couldn’t move, his hands were being held in a vice-like grip by someone behind his back and there was a hand gripping his hair harshly so that he couldn’t turn to see who it was.
Kris was trapped, only able to whimper as Tommy ran a pale finger down the side of his neck almost lovingly, but wrong. Kris wanted to shout at him to stop touching him, that Adam would rip his fucking throat out, but Kris couldn’t find his voice or make his mouth move.
A jolt of confused terror shot through Kris’s body when he heard a familiar chuckle near his ear. Kris didn’t understand why Adam was restraining him. Why was he letting Tommy touch Kris like he could have him?
Adam’s voice was dark and amused, “isn’t he just delicious Tommy? I knew when I brought him home that you’d like him.”
Tommy smiled, the flash of teeth more predatory than amusing, “You made me wait long enough for my turn though,” Tommy pouted playfully, “that wasn’t very nice.”
Adam laughed, his hand tightening its grip in Kris’s hair to jerk his head sideways. Adam licked a long path up Kris’s neck, inhaling his scent as he sniffed his hair.
Kris closed his eyes and tried not to flinch at Adam’s next words, “you know I don’t like to share my toys until I’ve made very, very good use of them.”
Kris tried not to cry as his chest clinched hotly and his heart plummeted to his stomach. He wasn’t a toy. He wasn’t a toy. Adam loved him. This wasn’t happening.
Tommy moved even closer and Kris cringed when he felt lips ghosting over the skin of his neck. The lips were followed by the tip of a hot tongue tracing Kris’s jugular vein.
Kris heard Tommy’s whisper near his ear, “you’re right Adam, he is delicious. For a little while there I thought maybe he was a keeper, thought maybe he was forever?”
Adam’s cold voice traveled hotly over the tips of Kris’s hair as he answered Tommy with a shrug Kris could feel, “forever’s such a long time.”
Kris finally found his voice as he felt Tommy’s fangs rip into the side of his neck, he screamed. Kris felt the blinding pain radiating from the side of his neck as he twisted within Adam and Tommy’s grip. Kris just screamed and screamed until all he could do was hang limply and groan as Tommy kept drinking. And above all that he heard Adam’s detached laughter echoing in his head…
Kris jerked up in bed, a sound of distress still leaving his lips. He saw movement out of the corner of his eyes and turned to see Adam moving onto the bed, reaching towards Kris with a look of concern on his face.
Before Kris could even contemplate his reaction, the ghost of pain in his neck and laughter in his ears remaining, he jerked his body sideways and screamed, “Don’t touch me!”
Adam froze where he knelt on the bed, his hand outstretched and a look of shock on his face.
Adam drew his hand back, a look of confusion and worry distorting his face, “Kris?”
Kris was having a hard time coming out of the dream back into reality. This was the first time since the nightmares had started that Adam had been awake when Kris had woken up from the terrible dreams. Adam must have heard him screaming and had been rushing to wake Kris up.
Kris groaned, Adam had been coming to his aid and he had screamed at Adam not to touch him. Kris had acted like he feared him or worse was disgusted by him. Damn it, this was going to take some explaining, but he didn’t think he was ready to tell Adam about the dreams. He didn’t ever want to tell him about the nightmares his subconscious had concocted.
In all honesty, Kris was deeply ashamed of the dreams because he knew and trusted that Adam would never ever treat him like that. Even if Kris’s fears were founded and Adam didn’t want Kris with him forever, Kris knew Adam would never abuse or mistreat him.
Adam was still waiting patiently, giving Kris some distance even though his entire body seemed to be strung with tension.
Kris rolled his shoulders and sighed, rising from the bed as he spoke, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I just had a dream, a nightmare, and it was so real that I was confused when I woke up.”
Kris walked around the bed as Adam rose to meet him.
He placed a hand on Adam’s cheek and was really grateful that it didn’t tremble, “I’m going to go try to do some writing, OK?”
Kris watched as Adam’s keen eyes searched his face and his brows drew together. Adam knew he was lying. He knew very well that Kris hadn’t screamed when he woke up- he’d screamed when he’d seen Adam.
Kris saw the hurt flit across Adam’s features before he composed himself. Kris’s gut clenched into a knot and he felt almost nauseous at hurting Adam, but he turned to make his way to the library and his guitar collection before he could give in and tell Adam everything.
Kris stared at the wall, his guitar resting in his lap and his fingers gently strumming the strings. He thought about his dream, Adam, Tommy, what the hell he was going to do. Why did he feel this way? Why couldn’t he be happy to just be with Adam? Why did Kris seem to think he could reach beyond the limited, human life he had been blessed with? But, really, Kris knew the answer to his questions and it scared him so badly.
Adam made him want more- more for himself, more for them, more time.
All Kris had to do was ask Adam; ask him to keep Kris forever, to make him a vampire just like Adam. The only problem was that, even though Kris trusted Adam not to hurt him, to love him, to take care of him… he couldn’t let himself trust Adam enough to want to be with Kris for eternity.
Kris’s fingers stilled on the strings as a melody filled his brain, slow and lilting and deep. It wrapped it’s self around his heart as Kris played it again as he hummed. For the first time in a long time Kris longed for a pen in his hand and he practically lunged for the note book as he finally allowed all of his fear to rush out into words.
He smiled sadly as the lyrics and chords appeared on the page and his heart lightened with each lyrical puzzle piece that snapped into place. Out of love and fear and longing and uncertainty a song appeared.
Kris knew he had his title track.