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It had been a year since I have last stepped into this house…
More than three years that I have been looking for that person...
The person I’ve hurt the most, the person I’ve loved the most, the person I would want to live the rest of my life with.
I glanced at the front gate and smiled. Home. I’m finally coming back home. I gingerly entered the gate and greeted by our trusty guard with a courteous nod. I returned the nod and went on my merry way inside, inside my house. Our house.
I wonder what the hell my best friend is doing. The last I’ve heard from Niall is that he had a new boy-toy last month. I wonder if they’re still together, although I am quite certain that Niall must have been bored by it by now. He really doesn’t do relationship. Relationships are not his thing. It is a mere play to him.
Then again, my best friend was cool like that. That is why I look up to him more than to anyone even though people think of him as a happy-go-lucky lad. My go to guy. My brother from another mother.
I smiled at that thought but set it aside because I’ll soon have another addition to my family, as soon as I found that person again. The person that would complete me.
But today, I’d have to refresh myself. Seeking a person was hard especially when all the people that you knew could tell you a lead, disliked you like you’re the devil’s reincarnate.
However, I can’t blame them. What I’ve done was wrong. I’m paying for it now…paying it with tears and broken hearts.
I grabbed the doorknob and turned it. I carefully opened it and glanced inside the room. Hmm, no maids, therefore, Niall must be staying here and must have someone over. He always as the help to scram whenever he takes someone home. It means he want to screw that someone silly and doesn’t like that the maids would be telling me information of his new conquest. Like, as if I care with all his flings, though his private like that, even to me.
I felt myself scoffed a bit. I wondered when my best friend would learn to take relationship seriously. We’re not getting any younger, and also I don’t want to settle down before I see him in a healthy relationship. Sap I know. I gave a loud sigh at that thought.
If only Niall could find someone like the person, I’ve found. Maybe he would be a change man.
…if only I could find that person again.
A sad smiled carved on my face as I remember the face of that person.
The face with the bluest blue eyes likes that of a blue sky that you could be suck deeper and deeper as you gaze your eyes at him…
…and face like sunshine, as though the sun has shine atop his head…
…red lips that taste like strawberries and cream…
…and finally, a smile like an innocent child.
I strolled towards the living room, trying to locate my devil-may-care friend, hopefully, not screwing someone. I cautiously opened the door and waited for telltale signs of inappropriate activities, but I received none.
I was about to close the door when at the corner of my eye caught a movement. Being the curious being that I am I stalked towards the couch. Not to my surprise lay a figure although fully covered with a blanket.
It seems like I was right, my best friend was indeed screwing someone. Thank god, I arrived late or else he would be forcing me again to join in or watch. I know you may have been shock… I was too. He called it sharing, a way of a brotherly love.
However, to others they call it threesome. While I call it: disgusting!
It appalled me to think that I would use or…umm yeah use someone, other than me has already defiled. Come on, who in the world would give or even force his date or lover to his friend after they got bored or just for the heck of it. Niall, that’s who! My innocent looking friend who have a devious mind. And he calls it sharing.
The creep.
Although I must say, Niall’s taste are always the finest quality. For the life of me, I was itching to unravel the hidden figure, not because I might give in to Ni’s proposition, I’m just curious. Honestly…
I went towards the sleeping figure and reached out my hand towards the blanket when suddenly I heard Niall called me from behind.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, mate. He’s still butt naked.” He winked and proceeded to walk towards me and bro-hug me. He also subtly maneuvered me away from the living room and into the kitchen where he is preparing a meal.
That, somewhat puzzled me. When did Ni become concern if someone is naked or not? Hell, I’ve seen him screw more people than an airplane could carry when were in Uni. I was scarred for the rest of my life by the way.
Why be conservative now?
“New toy?” I asked hiding my puzzlement with a taunt as he hand me a water to drink. He smirked at me and stride towards entryway going to the living room and place himself there, as if guarding it from me. “No, he’s not new. We’ve been together for a month.”
“Oh that’s…new.” I heard myself exclaimed mindlessly.
He just gave a soft smile. “Because I’m in love.” He proclaimed as he looked over his shoulder and gaze at the back of the couch where his sleeping lover is.
In love my ass.
I gave him a what-the-fuck-are-you-smoking-look. He shook his head and shrug then walked back again inside the living room. I likewise followed mindlessly, still in shock with his words.
If I know, another more week and he’d throw his new boy-toy without even batting an eye.
He scooped the figure with his arm in a bridal carriage and walked passed me. I was a bit curious and confused. “He must be a god in bed, huh?” I chided before they left.
“Yeah.”
“Nice. You’ve got me curious. Okay I’ll fuck him too.” I bluffed.
I felt a sudden tension in the room and glanced at my best friend’s shoulder sudden stiffness. If that comment did make him livid, it did not show in his voice as he answered me. “Sorry mate this time I don’t think I’m sharing.”
What?!
Now I’m really curious.
I smiled at him even though he did not turn his back to face me. He just continued walking as he carried his bundle, probably towards the guest room which he already claimed as his when I first bought the house.
I shrugged at Niall’s sudden bout of insanity. I looked at the clock and was surprised at how late it was. I haven’t had lunch yet and as my mind processed the time my stomach growled in recognition. I patted my tummy and proceeded to stalk back to the kitchen.
I went directly towards the fridge and rummaged it for some decent food. Good thing there was still something edible inside. Usually Niall only buys booze and sometimes smoke, and without the maids…damn the fridge would be empty and barren like a dessert.
I proceeded to make myself a sandwich complete with meat and veggies. I placed my plate with my meal on the counter and made myself comfortable in a chair. I glanced at the meal Niall prepared before hand and found myself surprise to see a healthy meal instead of a good-ol greasy meal he usually like. His lover might be a health freak like me, so it’s a win-win.
I was eager to munch on my masterpiece when I heard hurried footsteps towards the kitchen. I heard a loud thud; the idiot must have bumped something. Might be drunk? Or high? Or maybe both since it is Niall after all.
I heard a quiet shuffle then another thud. Heh, must be wired as hell. I waited for the person to emerge from the entrance of the kitchen and surely, after a few quiet curses a brown head popped out from the door.
Oh…
I felt a bit suffocated. I felt the temperature dropped.
Then my heart just slammed on my ribs.
Louis…
I saw him rubbed the back of his head with embarrassment as he smiled at me then it dissolved into a stunned face. It must have just hit him that it was I in front of him. His shocked face then turned sour. He scowled at me as if I was the most hated man in the world. Well, maybe I was. To him that is.
He pointed an accusing finger at me and barked at me with hate. “What the hell are you doing here?!”
“I live here.” I retorted impassively. Too shocked to finally be face to face with him. Although that might have angered him more as he glared at me venomously. “Wha?! Why? This is Niall’s friend’s house.”
“Actually, I’m Niall’s friend.”
“What? I thought you said that you don’t have…” He paused; a sudden realization might have hit him as he bit his lip in agitation. He bowed his head as he mumbled. “Of course, that was a lie…I should have known it was a lie…you’ve always lied to me…I should have guessed…”
Yes, I lied.
I lied to everyone. I lied to my family, I lied to my friends, I lied to my management and I lied to my fans.
But, most of all to him.
I lied about myself. I lied that I have no family left, that I was alone. I have no friends.
I lied because I don’t want anybody getting close, and Louis then was getting too close for comfort.
I wanted to be detached, so I kept him at arms length. I wanted to be cool, indifferent, not a care in the world, doesn’t give a fuck what other people fees but my own.
But most of all I don’t want to be labeled as a fag.
My fans…my management shouldn’t know that…
I wasn’t ready. I thought I could never be, but Louis was a temptation I could not seem to pass. Therefore, I kept him a secret.
A secret that only he and me knows…
A secret that only his room and the four corners of it knows, the only thing that hears his pants and moans.
We were lovers…but to the outside, he was a groupie and I’m his rock-star.
Then, he wanted more…I cracked, I was young, stupid, libido driven…I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
I couldn’t let others know what we do and what we are to one another, so I told him the truth.
The truth, that I was just using him for my own physical pleasure.
He cried and slapped me on the cheek and as I gazed on his sad blue eyes, something inside my chest throbbed painfully. As it is now.
When he left I went on my normal ways…fucking whomever I see, whoever approaches me, but I can’t seem to find the pleasure my heart pleases. I went from bed to bed. I went insane. I drank; I got high, I was self-destructing then after a while the only thing that could calm me was a picture of him and me.
The only picture of him I had. The only picture that could make me smile.
The only thing that reminds me of his loving smile.
The only thing that says that he loved me once.
Then and there I knew I love him.
I stood up and was about to walk to him when I heard a soft chuckle. I was frozen on the spot, confused beyond hell. I saw him raised his head, a joyous smile etched on his beautiful lips, eyes dancing with merriment as he smiled at me and said.
“Well…let’s forget the past, mate?”
I frowned.
I still don’t get what he was thinking.
“Let’s start anew.”
Does it mean he forgives me?
He raised his hand as though in greetings and smiled warmly at me. “Hi I’m Louis. I’m Niall Horan’s newest boy-toy. Nice to meet you.”
My heart cracked.
“Louis I…”
“Lou...” I glanced at Niall leaning on the door. He gave a cautious glanced at both Louis and me.
“Ni, you never told me you are friends with Harry Styles. The Harry Styles.” Louis hurriedly hugged Niall’s arm as my best friend ruffled his brown hair with fondness.
My chest tightened a bit.
“I did, but you were too drunk to care…” Niall gave a sad smile at Louis. “…always drunk.” He added as an afterthought as he shook his head in dejection. He gave a sad smile my way and then returned his attention to Louis.
“Oh? I’m sorry…I’m promise I’ll never drin…” Louis had not finished his sentence when suddenly he went blue and swayed a bit. Nausea.
I was ready to catch him if he falls when Niall suddenly grabbed him, and for the second time my friend’s action amazed me.
Here he was helping a sick, likely due to alcohol intoxication, person towards the sink. If I wasn’t Niall’s friend I might say this was a normal reaction. Then again, sadly, I am his best friend, so I know for a fact this is NOT normal.
I watched him half-drag, half-carry Louis towards the nearest sink as the Lou held his puke at bay. He grimaced as I heard him throw up his last meal on the sink as Niall gently made circular motion on the Lou’s back as he murmured assurance and sweet nothings to him.
For the first time I see my best friend care for someone. Deeply care for someone other than his family.
Hell, even if I was the one drunk and puking like that he would be by my side drinking and chuckling on how pathetic I have looked. That’s the way he shows his affection.
If other than me and his love ones, he would care less. He’ll throw them out with a speed of light. Niall always hated the sick for some reason.
So, I was wondering why? Why?
I watched as Niall rinsed Lou’s mouth as the other had passed out. He gently removed some puke that was on his lover’s face with his hand and gently washed Louis’ face.
I almost laughed as I watched him do those things. It’s not his type to do such things. I saw him smiled and kissed Lou’s temple and gently carried him.
“Hazza, could you take the medicine to my room. Thanks, and sorry about this…”
I nodded and went straight to where the medicine cabinet is located. I was still in total shock as I digest what I just saw a few minutes ago. It took me a couple of minutes before I located the medicine I was looking for since my mind were still in total disarray.
I went upstairs as slowly as a human could. I wanted to recollect myself, to calm my nerves. To process what was happening…
To grasp that Louis was no longer mine.
That he belongs to somebody else now.
And, that somebody else is a precious person to me.
I gingerly opened the door and walked in. Niall did not even turn his head to acknowledge me as he busied himself washing Louis’ body with a face towel with a basin at his side. “Hey, did you get it?”
“Yeah.”
He smiled but did not look up as he continued wiping the small towel on Louis’ leg with care so not to awaken the sleeping man. He smiled as he finished his task. He gently laid the towel on the basin.
He smiled at Louis again and brushed his hair away from his face with his hand while his other hand, held Louis’ hand. He raised it to his lips and kissed it.
I saw the love in his eyes…
I know because I’ve seen such loving eyes in the past…
Such kindhearted eyes that gives you a warm feeling inside…
Eyes that Louis once gave me unconditionally as he watches me doze off to sleep…he never knew I too was watching him…watching him as tears well up in his eyes as he murmurs quietly that he loves me…
I pretended I did not hear his confession of love…because I knew that I could never say it back…
If only…If only I knew what my feelings for him were…If only…
I felt tears forming in my eyes and a painful lump in my throat. I tried to blink the tears away. I don’t want Niall to see me like this.
I can’t let him know.
…that the one I have searched for so long,
…the one I’m willing to live for the rest of my life with,
…the person I love the most is the one he is holding in a hug and looking down with love.
“If only they’re morning sickness…” I heard Niall mumble as he brushes Lou’s hair.
He turned his gaze at me and I was paralyzed for a bit. He smiled at me and said. “What do you think of me settling down, H?” He smiled at me warmly that I almost cried.
As I restrained myself from breaking down, a lump in my throat made me croaked while I answer.
“Sounds good.”
I felt a bit numb, as he reached and took a small box from a nearby drawer. He smiled as he showed me what was inside.
A ring.
An engagement ring.
“I’m going to ask him to marry me today that’s why we are here. I wanted you to meet him first before I break the news to my family. Though, I know that this doesn’t look like the ideal relationship…but…you cannot choose who you love.”
Niall raised his eyes and met mine. He’s waiting for my approval. He’s eyes are pleading me to say that it will all be alright.
For the first time since we have known each other, my tears flowed from my eyes and I cried in front of him.
I’ve searched for him…
I’ve found him…
Then, again I lost him…
‘I really love you Lou.’
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