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"Elizabeth Schuyler seemed very taken with you."
The statement startled Alexander, and he abruptly stopped kissing the neck of his lover, though he kept a firm grip on his hips. He had no idea why John was suddenly bringing the woman up, especially when they had been sharing a heated kiss just moments ago.
"I didn't speak to her very much, but she seemed lovely, and you two seemed to be getting quite close. Am I right to suppose that you like her?"John asked, which only further perplexed Alex. He raked his eyes over the face of his love, took in the way he seemed to look through rather than at Alexander.
"Eliza is,"Alex paused, carefully considering his next words,"a fine woman."
This answer only seemed to dissatisfy John, and he barked out a laugh, one that was much different from the usual melodious laugh he gave out. It sounded almost unbearably unnatural to Alexander's ears, and he did not miss the way John's arms began to shake from where they were wrapped around his neck.
"Forgive me, my dear, but I don't recall that being my question. If I had wanted to know if she was a fine woman, I would have asked if she was a fine woman,"he responded bitterly, and Alexander is taken aback by the aggression in his words, knew there had to be something bothering him for him to be behaving like this.
"What I do want to know, sweetheart, is whether or not you like her. A simple question, really, would take merely a yes or no answer,"John finished, and Alex's brow furrowed in obvious concern. Why was John so caught up on this topic?
"I suppose I do like her, yes,"Alexander said softly, and his heart ached at the way John's face fell, wanted to kiss his face until he smiled again.
"well, of course, that's alright, I can not say I didn't expect it-"
"Let me finish, dearest,"Alex muttered, cutting John off and leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. John's eyes widened a fraction, before narrowing in skepticism. What could Alexander possibly have to say? Whatever it is, he didn't want to hear it, he already felt like a fool, he didn't want his heart to ache more than it already did.
"If you're so interested by Ms. Schuyler, it's quite alright with me! Really, enough wasting time here with me, you should go write her a letter. If your words can charm me right into your arms, I'm sure they would do the same to her!"he babbled, hands moving to gently push Alexander away. Alex did not budge, however, instead choosing to step closer to his lover, pressing a kiss to his lips.
John remained tense, but he returned the kiss, pulling Alexander to him until no space remained between them. Alex pulled away slowly, resting his forehead against John's, a small, reassuring smile on his face.
"It appears I have taken an interest to Ms. Schuyler. She has lovely dark eyes, and from what I can tell, she is a good girl. I predict that she will, in fact, be my future wife,"Alex muttered, and John felt his heart sink to his stomach, tempted to push Alex away again and run until he couldn't run anymore. Or, at least, run until he passed out;maybe then he'd forget everything that had ever happened between them. He pushed the thought away, knew the likeliness of that happening would be very low.
"I like Eliza, but I love you,"Alexander continued, breaking John from his thoughts. His breath caught in his throat, eyes widening to the size of the moon at the admission. He blinked rapidly, trying to digest Alexander's words, found he couldn't completely grasp them.
"I beg your pardon, but surely you must be mistaken. Could- could you perhaps repeat your sentence? Maybe the blame is on me, it's a possibility I heard wrong,"John choked out, cheeks becoming the prettiest shade of pink Alex had ever seen.
"My dearest Laurens, I love you,"Alex repeated, smiling softly. John exhaled shakily, tears beginning to pool in his eyes, and the smile immediately dropped from Alex's face.
"You may find me childish for this, but I don't really appreciate for you to joke so lightly about our situation,"John muttered, eyes narrowing slightly. His heart felt as though it were torn in two, his mind screaming at him to not believe the words Alexander spoke. After all, who would ever be able to love John?
"Perhaps you find this all to be some sort of silly game,"he continued, voice breaking as he did, "but it isn't to me. What we do is not a game.. My feelings are not a game. " Tears slowly made their way down John's cheeks, and Alex stood frozen, in shock at John's proclamation. He hesitantly brought up a hand, cupping John's face and wiping away his tears. The gesture made John's bleeding heart sigh, though he tried to ignore it, tried to remind himself that his feelings were unrequited and a disgrace. "Your emotions are in no way at all a game to me, "Alex began softly, cutting through John's train of thought, filling him with just the tiniest bit of hope.
"I can assure you, I wish only to win your heart, to earn your affections. Never in my life have I met someone quite like yourself, so bold and thoughtful. If we were able to marry, I would beg you to be mine forever,"he sighed, and John looked off to the side, eyebrows furrowed in something like sorrow. Alex wanted desperately to reach his hand out to smooth out the crease between his brows, kiss him until John knew only happiness.
"But we can't marry,"John whispered in response, tone full of grief, and Alex felt the growing pressure of tears behind his eyes, tried his best to will it away.
"No, we can't,"Alex confirmed, clearing his throat to prevent his voice from cracking.
"But that does not mean I will ever love you any less. We can not marry, but I will still love you until the day I breathe my last breath, until the stars fall out of the sky, until hell freezes over. Even if we are to part in some way, you will never be far from my thoughts or my heart. In body and soul, I am yours, "he concluded, and John looked at him with wide shining eyes, unsure if this was real.
Finally, finally, a smile began to bloom across his face, and Alexander's heart leapt with joy, giddy at the beautiful sight that was John's smile. He was like the sun in every way; bright, warm, and so damn ethereal, it was almost blinding. He was incandescent, and Alex could not take his eyes off of him.
"In that case, I'm yours for as long as you'll have me,"John breathed, chuckling at the broad grin that settled onto the face of his dear Alexander. John rested his forehead against his, marveling at the light blush on Alex's cheeks.
"What if I want you always?"
"Then I will always be yours,"John replied matter-of-factly, and Alexander leaned forward slightly, gently connecting their lips. It was chaste, sweet, full of all the love and adoration that couldn't be put into words.
They would have to continue worrying about how to keep this a secret, how to hide something that seemed so obvious, but for now, they were at peace. Alex pulled John to the bedroom, both changing and climbing into bed, curling into each other. It wasn't exactly the way they had planned to spend the night, but it was just as good, just as warm.
Alexander's head rest on John's chest, letting the beat of his heart calm him, and John watched in rapture as he slowly drifted to sleep.
John wanted all of him. He wanted to fall asleep each night, exactly like this, with Alex soft and dreaming on his chest. He wanted to be able to wake up next morning and have him still be there, wanted to hold his hand in the early morning sun.
His mind once again drifted to Elizabeth Schuyler. Really, she was the lucky one. She would get what John could not have, would get to love Alexander openly without fear. John may have his heart right now, but there was no guarantee, and John was no idiot; Alexander loved easily, jumping from one affair to the next with no hesitation. John was temporary, merely a place to rest before Alex continued on his way. It tore him apart, but it was fine. John could deal with being temporary, could learn to accept it.
For now, he'd enjoy these moments. He'd enjoy Alexander, his Alexander, peaceful and open in sleep. John took in his features; the gentle slope of his nose, the stubble on his chin, his lashes brushing against his cheekbones.
He shut his own eyes, willed his thoughts to be silent for just a moment.
This was enough.