Work Text:
“Made a few friends that moved on pretty early in,” Walter said, smiling but in a kind of sad way. “Matthew’s been with me a few years prior. We actually met in Splash Country when he brought his sister’s family “
Kenny smiled a bit too. “Never been there. Wonder what it was like.”
Matthew shifted beside Walter and stifled a yawn. “There were a shitload of different parks like, in the theme park area. My favorite was the big water slides.”
“Worst ones,” Walt said with a shake of his head.
Kenny searched for a relevant story that wouldn’t involve his own family. He didn’t want to spoil the mood but so many good things and stories worth mentioning involved Kat and Duck. He wished he could bring himself to recount. He however was saved the ache when Sarita came along and sat beside him, leaning over on him lightly. Ben trailed along behind her, settling down in the floor by Kenny.
“You ain’t gotta sit in the floor like a dog, Ben,” Kenny said with a hint of reprimand. “You’re gonna hurt your side or your leg or somethin’ for nothin’. Sarita won’t bite.”
Sarita reacted with a small laugh and Ben turned sheepish, looking away from their hosts as he carefully heaved himself back up and then onto the couch beside Sarita.
Walter watched his guests for a moment and then sighed. “It’s nice to have you all here. We have groups move through sometimes but I don’t often see families like you three.”
“Well, we ain’t exactly a family,” Kenny commented, shrugging. “We just kinda...came together.”
“Walter likes to sound poetic and profound,” Matthew said. He punctuated the statement with grabbing and lightly squeezing the top of Walt’s thigh. “You three are exactly a family, just not blood. Actually, in a way, your bonds are just stronger. You came together by chance and love each other despite it.”
Love. They all three contemplated that particular word being used. It flowed so easily off Matthew’s tongue, like he was so confident they were a real, genuine family that would do anything for each other. Kenny branched off from that thought, wondering if they really would each do anything and everything for one another. Sarita’s thoughts trailed into territory, considering the extent of her support and dedication to her boys. She had already taken many risks for them, and she would do the same again. Ben only thought about how much he missed his blood family.
He loved Kenny. He loved Sarita. That was absolutely certain. But he missed his moms, his little sister, their parrot. The image of them all in their family photo, he was the only boy as of a few years ago, and everyone had been so supportive. He kind of felt like crying but he couldn’t go all soft suddenly. He needed to focus on this family now, he figured. They were the ones who were here.
“Ben?”
He looked up from the floor to Kenny, blinking his eyes only to find that they were wet. Oh, god. He had started crying, hadn’t he?
“Oh. Son, I didn’t mean to dredge up memories,” Walt said with clear concern. “We don’t have to talk about this anymore.”
“I...no, no, it’s okay!” Ben insisted, reaching up to press his wrist into his eyes to dry them. “I won’t ruin the conversation, j-just ‘cause I’m...a little sensitive. It’s all right, really.”
Kenny frowned hard and Sarita looked up at her boyfriend briefly. “Kid, what’s wrong? You ain’t upset about nothin’, are you?”
The way he enunciated ‘nothing’ made Ben go to Kat and Duck, believing Kenny was trying to get him to not worry. Of course, regardless of effort, Ben was only reminded of reasons to be upset aside from his own family. He opened his mouth to answer, but something told him he wouldn’t get through even a few words without breaking.
The boy stood up and shook his head. “I-I’ll be right back.”
Even then he heard his voice crack. It was incredibly embarrassing and made his hurried exit look worse for someone claiming to be all right. He walked quickly to the upstairs area, ducking into the room he and his friends had been staying in since they arrived. He wasn’t surprised his statement of coming back was a lie after considering how much shame and guilt and extra embarrassment he would be saved if he just got in bed.
So instead of facing anything like he could try, Ben got in the bed on his good side and stared at the lamp on the table. He thought about his little sister. She used to jump on his bed every night to protest bedtime and though it sometimes got on his nerves, he thought it was pretty funny. He wished he had had the idea to do that. It didn’t work for his sister, but it was still something he could have tried if it meant later bed times.
The door squeaking loudly as it opened caused Ben to jump but he only closed his eyes and hoped whoever it was would go away without talking to him.
“Hey,” came Kenny’s voice. Ben flinched but said nothing. “Kid, what the hell’re you—”
He stopped on his own and walked, or honestly, stomped, to the side Ben was facing. The man crouched down in front of the teen and gave him a look he could easily imagine from previous experience, but wasn’t seeing at present. He didn’t want to look at Kenny.
“Why’re ya up here, Ben? We ain’t tryna chase you off,” he said, lip curling thoughtfully as he contemplated shaking the boy.
Ben was silent.
“Ben.” It was just another beckon met with no response, and then finally Kenny sighed loudly before grabbing Ben’s thigh and lightly shaking him. “Lookit me. I’m talkin’ to ya.”
It didn’t happen fast but the kid finally opened his eyes and revealed just how hard he was trying to not cry. Kenny could see the tears and the gradual reddening on his face. He watched the boy for a long while before shaking his head.
“Your family?” Kenny asked slowly. He was pretty confident that was the case.
Ben flinched again. “Kenny, I don’t think I can talk about them.”
The man looked up to the door and Ben wondered if someone else was there. He wasn’t sure he cared. It was obvious as day that he was sad about his family. If everyone downstairs didn’t figure it out Ben would be shocked. He tried to just think of them and not his family but it was futile. He kept seeing their faces anyway.
“Sarita has asked before,” Ken muttered. “She worries aboutcha a lot. You know that?”
“She’s du-dumb to care,” Ben said with a small sob, the first of surely many to come. “I’m not worth that. You should have shot me in the alley.”
“Ben.”
“It’s true and you kn-know it!”
Kenny’s face changed. It was the same as it had been however many months ago in that yard in Savannah. He looked afraid. He looked sad. He looked like he was guilty. Ben knew he was guilty of wasting effort on him, a weak kid who never made a difference anyway.
“I-I just—I shouldn’t be alive, Kenny! I made you waste months on me, an-and Sarita wasted her time on me, and now, now I’m just...just another strain on Walter and Matthew’s resources!” He paused to try but fail to muffle his pitiful noises, turning his head to stuff his face down in the mattress. “I-I-I...I wish you left me! I wish you would’ve left me!”
“That’s enough!” Kenny shouted sharply. Ben just dissolved into more sobbing. “You fuckin’—I fuckin’ made the choice to help! You ain’t dead, and I don’t fuckin’ care how much you wanna be! Look at me when I’m tellin’ you this shit, goddammit!”
Ben did not want to look at Kenny. He felt even worse for just crying like this, for saying those horrible things to the man that had saved him time and time again. No matter what happened, he seemed to be in a back-and-forth loop, stuck in hating himself for hating that Kenny risked so much just to keep him alive and then angry for having melt downs of any variety, alone or with Kenny by him.
Before the teenager could comply with Kenny’s demand, he heard something he only heard one time that he recalled. It shook him when he turned his head again to see Kenny, eyes shut tight with tears tracing the wrinkles in his face, dripping off his chin. Ben’s guilt only increased, but he believed in his heart his argument was true. He didn’t want to be alive and the others would probably be further along if not for him.
“Kenny...” His voice trailed off. The teen sat up carefully and turned to the man, hands floating near him but not touching him. He didn’t know what to do. Was there anything he could do? He kind of fucked up in saying the things to Kenny’s face. He should have tried to keep it to himself more than that.
Kenny breathed in shakily and then leaned back, getting off of his feet to sit in the floor instead of crouch. He reached his hands up to his face and began trying to clear his tears to really no effect. He was too upset and it only made things a lot harder. Ben wasn’t sure how to comfort him, he was the very reason for the current stress Kenny was struggling with. Regardless of his own stupid feelings, he had to try something, so the boy lowered himsef into the floor and sat with his legs crossed, watching his friend wth confusion.
“I...I’m sorry,” Ben whispered.
“Katjaa shot herself,” Kenny suddenly said, his voice shaking.
Ben’s jaw dropped. He didn’t know that.
“She...couldn’t handle it anymore,” Kenny continued, sobbing again. “Sh-she, she...she just...shot herself. She sh-shot herself, Ben. Only Lee knew, only—only he saw. Only he saw. D-Duck, he...he was still breathin’, he was still right there alive, sufferin’, and the last thing he saw was his momma puttin’ the gun to her head an-and...and givin’ up...”
The boy felt his stomach drop further than his jaw did. He thought about how Kenny had been after it. It wasn’t just the loss of his child and his wife to something unknown. He lost her to suicide, actual plain and simple suicide, right there in front of her child. Ben could see clearly now that his family was just as heavy on his mind as Kenny’s was.
Slowly, Ben slid closer to Kenny and reached out. The man’s head was bowed now so Ben touched his arm and hoped it would get his attention the way he wanted it to. He wanted Kenny to look up at him. Eventually, he did, and Ben realized he didn’t even know what to say. He didn’t even know how to go from there.
“I’m...I’m sorry, Kenny,” he just repeated. “I...I didn’t mean to...to remind you. I’m just…I…f-fuck, um…look, I just. I w-would only blame myself, I-I’d be the only one to blame if you were ever hurt or killed o-or worse if you…if you were protecting me. Y-you’re protecting me and I’m so, so grateful, but I just…”
“Hush, kid,” Kenny murmured, turning his arm so he could hold Ben’s arm too. “I know. I know, I—god, I know. I see it in your face, every single day. Every time you hurt yourself or get sick or freeze up, anything. I see how much you want to die. I saw it in Kat’s face. I saw her give up, but I was just too focused on myself, on Duck, to know it was that. I failed her, but I…”
Ben suppressed everything below the surface of himself. He moved across the floor again, getting to Kenny, close enough to hug him now, and so he did just that. Kenny breathed in and then forced out a weak laugh, awkwardly putting his arms around Ben. It felt nice to hold someone again, but it overwhelmed him even more—maybe with the situation at hand only, or maybe because he hadn’t really held someone this way in a long time. He didn’t want to let go of Ben, and Ben felt the same way. He felt like he could hug the man forever.
“It was all my fault,” Ben cried, holding Kenny a bit tighter. “It was, it was all my—all my fault. I-if I had just told you, o-or Lilly or L-Lee or anyone, if I had just—just been smarter. I was s-so stupid, an-and Katjaa and Duck, they were the result, I-I can’t, I can’t stop thinking about them! I think about them every day, I j-just—I would give my o-own life just for them to be back, y-you’d be happier with them like you want an-and like you deserve…I just—!”
“We can’t change what happened,” Kenny said. “Our lives’re symptoms of our mistakes. We both screwed up. But we gotta leave it in the past or we’ll get ourselves killed wonderin’. I…I done forgave ya. You were an idiot then but you’re not now, you’ve learned. Katjaa wouldn’t want me hatin’ you anyway. She’d…she’d shake her head at me and sigh like she always did. Like she just knew I was bein’ immature. Kat always put me in my place, kept me in line. She was always smarter than me.”
Ben sniffled. He laid against Kenny as comfortably as he could, given his height compared to the older man’s, but the worst of it was just a bit of dull pain in his back from hunching over. He wasn’t going to give up this kind of thing for just a bit of an ache. Kenny probably needed it more than Ben would assume he did, so it was a win-win situation anyhow. He felt like they didn’t have many moments like this so this was even more important to just…have, and to share.
“I’m sorry you never got to see your family,” Kenny said, his voice soft. “If you…ever need to talk about it. Any time. I’m always all right to listen.”
The boy thought about the offer and nodded his head a little bit. “Okay. Thanks. I just don’t…think I can right now. Can we maybe do it another time?”
Kenny chuckled and patted Ben’s back. “Yeah, kid. Yeah.”
He thought for a minute that maybe that meant the conversation was over, but then he began thinking about why this really all happened. Bringing up family started it, but Ben screaming into Kenny’s face he wanted to die. He reminded Kenny of something ugly, and he couldn’t just leave it hanging for the next melt down.
“Hey, Kenny?” he started slow, “I...I’m sorry I reminded you.”
“I know, Ben,” he said.
“No, like. I just...I shouldn’t have said that to you,” Ben continued. “I shouldn’t have thrown that in your face of all things. I’m...I’m sorry that I said it. I’m sorry that I’ve felt that way and I’m basically just taking what you gave up and risked for granted.”
Kenny huffed quietly. “Nah. Don’t say you’re sorry for feelin’ that way. Can’t really help it. I understand you wanna...well, be dead. It ain’t exactly a nice world we’re livin’ in. Wouldn’t blame you if the feelings were there before this hell set in either. Just, uh...watch it around the lady. She might know, I ain’t got a clue, but she don’t need to think she ain’t done enough for you.”
“Yeah but you don’t need to, either,” Ben said softly. “You’ve done way more than enough for me, probably more than I deserve.”
The man just scoffed. “Got me there, I reckon. But don’t shit talk yourself that way. We’re alive right now, so we gotta make what we can of it. Got me?
Ben nodded. “Okay. Got you.”