Chapter Text
Sleep had always been a difficult state of being for Leo to achieve. He woke several times most nights and couldn’t calm himself until he’d looked in on his little brothers and ensured their safety. Raph bragged often that he could and would do better if given the opportunity and, sometimes, Leo wanted to let him have this weight he carried, the burden of always having to be the responsible one, but it was his duty to act as leader.
A few hours before dawn saw Leo on his feet, rubbing his fingertips into his bloodshot eyes. Another restless night. Another eight hours of groaning pipes, scurrying rats, and dripping water.
A faint whistling coming through the wall caught his attention and Leo visited the second eldest brother first on his round of nightly check-ins. Don had fallen asleep in his lab, a cold mug of coffee still clutched in his hand while a little puddle of drool pooled around his mouth on the work table his face was pressed against. Donnie’s breath wheezed through his gapped teeth, fogging the metallic surface with each exhale. It didn’t look remotely comfortable, bent up in his chair, but Leo was used to finding Don in strange places and positions, asleep wherever he had finally stopped working. Leo gently pried the mug out of his fingers and draped a blanket over his shoulders. Leo smiled and exited across the hall towards Mikey’s room.
His littlest brother had fallen asleep askew on his bed, arms and legs splayed, comics haloed around him. With a click of his tongue, Leo tidied up the comics, sorting them neatly into the bookshelf. He lifted Mikey’s dead weight, readjusting his position, before pulling back the covers and tucking him in. Leo excused himself from the room with a shake of his head and a little chuckle at the state he often found his brothers in. They may have been an unorthodox family, and their nocturnal habits certainly showcased that, but Leo took heart that, at least for one more night, they were safe and whole.
Leo turned, heading to the remaining bedroom. He usually saved checking on Raph for last and he could tell before even laying a hand on the door knob that he wasn’t sleeping.
Leo rapped his knuckles once on the door then pushed it open to stick his head in. Raph’s sleep came in patterns of restlessness and indulgence and, as was often the case with Raph, there wasn’t much in between. Leo’s brow ridge drew down in concern as he let himself into the room. Raph scowled at him miserably from his hammock but didn’t say anything about the intrusion. He simply sat there, Spike cradled in the crooks of his knees, and stared up at Leo with tired eyes and an unhappy expression.
“Hey,” Leo greeted casually, shutting the door behind himself. “How long have you been awake?”
Raph’s eyes were hazy and glazed, making it difficult for Leo to tell whether he was counting the hours or just hadn’t comprehended what he’d been asked. The silence stretched on, past the point of awkwardness and Leo opened his mouth to speak, but shut it again when Raph started to answer.
“Twenty… thirty hours?” Raph wondered aloud, blinking his golden eyes slowly at his big brother, turning his head in a slow motion, as though he was moving through a thick fog. He was tired. Sounded and looked it.
Again. Another cycle of sleeplessness. Raph was useless when the insomnia took hold, and soon he wouldn’t be able to even train safely, never mind patrol. Leo sighed and came fully in the room, resting back against Raph’s bookshelf to cross his arms and look over his troublesome charge. He knew it wasn’t Raph’s fault. He also knew how distressing the inability to sleep could be. Disturbed sleep was one of the few things they had in common.
He’d never admit it, lest he get a fist to the beak, but Leo privately enjoyed Raph’s periodic cycles of sleeplessness. Raph simply didn’t have the energy to keep his spikes sharp when he was this exhausted, and Leo got to see a softer, sweeter side than the one he usually got snarling in his face and cursing him. It was a welcome change, even if that was a cruel and self-serving way to feel.
“Have you tried to sleep?”
“Wow, tried to sleep? Why didn’t I think of that, Leo?” The words were as contentious as always, but lacked the conviction a well-rested Raph would normally put in. Leo smiled, despite himself, and ducked his head down in an attempt to hide the damning gesture from view.
“Leo?”
“Hm?”
Whatever it is he had to say must have been difficult for him, because once he found he had Leo’s focus he began to fidgeting, looking anywhere other than at his older brother. Vulnerability was hard for Raph; it was hard for both of them. Again, Leo wasn’t sure if he was going to speak, but he waited, ever patient, allowing Raph to shift through the tangled up knot of his mind for the way to convey what he felt.
“Somethin’… somethin’s wrong. In my head. There’s somethin’ wrong with me.” Raph sounded so broken when he said it and he looked so small, cradled in his blankets, sunk deep into the depression of the hammock. The self-loathing and reproach; Raph was prone to it. Especially now, it seemed, what with him having not slept in more than a day.
Leo felt his heart skip a beat, and in a moment he was across the room, wishing Raph had a normal bed so that he could sit next to him and put his arms fully around him. He settled with placing a hand on Raph’s shoulder.
“No, Raph,” He kept his tone gentle and measured, and he tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a weak chuckle, “You’re alright. You’re okay, just the way you are. Well, give or take a few things…”
Raph considered Leo’s words, mulled them over as he stared down into the rumpled bedding. The Raph he knew was a consummate braggadocio. Sweet and cuddly Leo could handle, but he didn’t like hearing Raph talk about himself in a negative light. It didn’t fit; it wasn’t him. He needed to find a way to get Raph to sleep, if only for that.
Leo stroked his thumb over the mottled skin of Raph’s shoulder, rubbed over the smooth dryness of his shell underneath the covers. It’s an intimate touch. More so than he knows it ought it to be…
“Hey, Leo?”
“Yeah?”
He didn’t have to wait long for a response this time. Raph shifted over on the hammock and scooted up higher, balancing himself easily within the temperamental sling from so many years of practice. He pushed back the blankets, gazing up at Leo with watery, red-rimmed eyes.
“Lay with me? Just until I fall asleep.” Raph added the last bit hastily, dropping his eyes again as a scowl took over his features, morphing his expression into something Leo was more familiar with.
What could he say? No? He should say no. He shouldn’t indulge this. But he wanted to. He wanted to climb in and wrap himself around Raph, to cradle his head to his chest and rub his back. The thought of doing so warmed him in a way he didn’t know what to make of. The thoughts… for years now, he’d felt them. Noticed things. Tried not to, worried about what it might do to his family, to his judgment, his duty as big brother and leader.
Now was not the time to think about the deeper meaning, Leo decided, and he allowed himself to slide into the hammock, twisting his leg around Raph’s and wrapping an arm around him. His face maintained an expression of neutrality. The space they had to work with is limited. Closeness was a consequence. Not a desire.
Raph shifted and turned, gripping Spike by the edges of his carapace as he reached up and deposited him into his little basket nestled among the books, magazines, and weapons dotting Raph’s nightstand. The little turtle blinked down at them, beady black eyes watching Raph as he nuzzled against Leo, arms reaching out for comfort, clinging to Leo, demanding to be held, surprising Leo with how eager he seems for the affection. Affection from him especially. Leo sighed even as he acquiesced and took Raph in his arms.
Not a desire. Not a desire.
He stroked his fingers over the budding muscles of Raph’s upper arms, tried to find somewhere in the room to put his eyes other than the body next to him, tried to concentrate on something other than the warm tickle of breath on his neck, the way Raph’s lips brushed delicately against him when he spoke.
“Hey, Leo?”
“Yeah?” Leo responded, the word hitching up awkwardly in his throat.
“Whaddya think ‘bout when ya meditate?”
Meditation. Leo sighed again, not divulging just how many hours he had spent holed in his or sensei’s room in meditation due to his little brothers, and Raphael in particular. “As strange as it may sound, nothing. That’s the goal of it for me. To quiet my mind.”
Raph chuckled softly, shook his head, and pushed closer. “Must be fuckin’ hard for you, Mr. I-always-have-a-plan.”
Leo laughed too, turning his head to Raph, his beak bumping against his brother’s forehead. “You have no idea.” His laugh died down, and Leo’s mouth fell into a neutral position with a shake of his head. “You really don’t. It makes me sick some days. Physically sick. That’s why I meditate.”
Raph fell silent a little while after Leo’s melancholy confession and a comfortable reticence stretched between them, broken only by Raph’s restless movements as he shifted over the hammock, drew the blankets up or down, and pressed his beak ever deeper into Leo’s neck, apparently ambivalent towards the internal distress rocketing through Leo like a California wildfire.
After about an hour or so, Raph’s breathing evened out, his muscles uncoiled and a smile spread across Leo’s face. Leo closed his eyes and laid his head down atop Raph’s, pushing down the emotion bubbling in his chest. The desire. Raph was falling asleep, finally, and all it’d taken was a little cuddling and pillow talk.
Another hour ticked by and Leo shifted, just a small turn, but Raph jerked, eyes fluttering, seemingly surprised to see Leo beside him. Leo offered him an apologetic smile and Raph blinked bleary eyes, staring a moment before settling back into the hammock, back against Leo. He adjusted, readjusted, and fell still.
Raph’s groggy voice cut through the silence. “Thanks. For stayin’.”
“You’re welcome,” Leo replied, relenting and dropping a chaste kiss to the top of his brother’s head, figuring he would read as much into as he read into everything else. It hurt Leo, sometimes, to see the lack of recognition of his affections. The apparent incomprehension of the gestures he made towards Raph. The looks he gave that Raph never noticed.
Leo looked down at Raph out of the corner of his eyes, mouth drawing down to a frown; maybe he did know. Maybe he knew and just chose not to acknowledge any of it. He went out all time. Maybe he had someone. If he did, Leo liked to think it wasn’t Casey. He liked to imagine Raph had higher standards than that, though probably not. April was a straight-A computer science/political science double major at NYU and she seemed to like Casey quite a bit. If he was good enough for April…
Ugh. No. Just no.
Leo closed his eyes and held Raphael tighter, peppering feather light kisses over his face, his cheeks, his forehead, over his relaxed brow ridges. Raph’s face was neutral, slack, and unresponsive in his slumber. He was finally asleep, at peace, and Leo was under no obligation now to stay here with him. He could get up, slide smoothly, silently out of the hammock and make his way back to his own room. His own bed. But, he didn’t. He stayed and after a time fell into his own rhythm, slumbering comfortably, the sounds of the sewer fading to the background against the reassurance of Raph’s even inhalations and the quiet snores rumbling his chest.