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Jaebum had many great qualities: a wonderful voice, great dancing skills, handsome looks. No matter what, he always knew what was the best thing to do in every situation. As the leader of a world-wide famous group, he had to take charge of whatever happened, he had to monitor the members, he had to keep everything under control. No mistake allowed. Work was the most important thing in his life – and even if it hadn't been, the slightest mistake could have ruined the lifetime dream of other six people. They didn't deserve that, they were good guys, they were his second family. He couldn't let anything ruin their happiness, he wouldn't have forgiven himself if his selfishness got in the way. That's why he kept silent. That's why he always tried to be cold and distant, reserved. He wouldn't talk about himself, he wouldn't spend hours and hours with the others to bond and have fun. He would laugh, he would joke, but he would never really let himself go in front of them. He loved them, that's why most of the time he was strict and demanding.
Jinyoung was his best friend. He was the only one with whom he vented when he really had the urge to. The only one he could really be himself with. Maybe because they had met each other when they were still too young and Jaebum was still immature so he didn't think about his future, about the well being of others. They had shared years of hard work together, he could trust him his life. He couldn't imagine his life without him, they had passed too many nights awake, talking, planning their lives, sharing stories about their pasts. He was the only person to whom he would ask advice. Not that he didn't trust the others, it was just that.. Jinyoung was Jinyoung. And Jinyoung always knew when something was wrong – he could read him like an open book and sometimes (even though Jaebum was stubborn most of the times) he would say the wisest words. He could result annoying at times, but only because he was always right and Jaebum hated to admit it.
Mark and Jackson were like brothers, to him. The kind of brothers that didn't ask too many questions, one look was enough for them to understand: understand when it was time to joke and when it wasn't. The kind of brothers that didn't want to force problems out of him but that made sure he knew he could count on them if he ever needed to. They wouldn't make it obvious but they'd help him with the youngest members, scolding them or comforting them when Jaebum was too tired or had other business to attend to. Although Jackson could appear childish or foolish in front of the cameras, he was actually a pretty responsible person too. While Mark lived most of the time in his own world, but it wasn't really a problem for anyone.
Bambam and Yugyeom, on the other hand, were like the sons of an annoying old neighbor. You know, those kind of kids who loved to be naughty and joke around. Jaebum couldn't blame them, they were young and they had spent most of their teen days in a practice room. They had missed the best years of their lives, they didn't have many friends outside of the idols' world but they had each other and that was enough. He cherished them, he wanted them to have the best time of their lives now that they had debuted, he didn't want them to miss anything. They could be annoying at times, like every other kid in the whole world, but he knew they meant no harm and that it was just the way they acted around everyone. They also knew when it was time to stop and start working so he couldn't really complain.
And then there was Youngjae. He couldn't see him as a best friend nor as a brother. He was on a completely different level. Youngjae made him feel things. Things he wasn't supposed to feel for a guy, a friend, a member of his group. Things he wasn't supposed to feel for anyone.
Being an idol was hard.
Being in love was even harder.
But being both at the same time was the worst.
One thing he had learned through all the years of working in the industry was to never let feelings into his heart. Feelings were only a nuisance. He couldn't date anyway, the company didn't allow it. Or rather, it wasn't really prohibited but you had to be discreet about it. Then, was it really worth it to keep a relationship secret? Why would he keep it a secret? If he loved someone, wasn't he supposed to bring that person on a date without others interrupting him? Wasn't he supposed to buy things for her without the cashier asking inopportune questions to him? Talk about her to his friends without them getting all worried for his career? Did he have to hide her when they asked him about his love life? Why should he be careful about it? Relationships are meant to be lived and having to go around without being able to hold each others' hands or looking at each other in the eyes without strangers misunderstanding, was far from living them. It wasn't worth it. He sure had occasional encounters with girls, he was a grown ass man after all. But he never let anyone into his world.
That's why Youngjae made him feel so helpless. Youngjae was different from anyone he had ever met. He couldn't describe him, nor he could describe whatever it was that he made him feel inside. But he was pretty sure it was love. That's what Jinyoung had told him and that's what he had figured out watching sloppy romantic comedies and cheesy dramas on his laptop. Youngjae had inspired some of his still secret songs' lyrics (although he didn't want to admit it to himself). He also made him lose his sleep at nights, he made his heart race faster when he locked eyes with those brown orbs, he made his stomach turn upside down whenever he saw his smile. Prettiest and brightest smile he had ever seen. Youngjae was always happy and when fans called him “sunshine”, Jaebum couldn't agree on a better nickname. He was probably addicted to his laugh and his voice, the voice of an angel. Jaebum found him beautiful. No matter how low was Youngjae's self-esteem, no matter if others said that he was the worst-looking one in the group, no matter if their country's standards would classify him as ugly or whatever. Jaebum found him the most beautiful human being of them all. And sometimes he just couldn't stop staring. He loved him. And he hated it with all of himself. He hated the way Youngjae made him feel. Helpless, restless, stupid. He always had everything under control but this. This he hadn't and that made him feel even worse. The rationality that had always kept him together, was gone in a minute when Youngjae was around. It made him go insane. How? How the hell did he do that? Jaebum loved every little thing of his fellow vocalist and he hated himself the most for this. Because he had promised himself that he wouldn't let anyone into his heart. Specially not one of his bandmates. What did he do wrong? When did he get distracted? But the more he tried to convince himself that everything was fine, that he had no feelings for him whatsoever, the more he failed and the more he felt his sanity slip away, as seconds passed by. It was hard to keep still when Youngjae was beside him. He wanted to ruffle his hair and caress his cheeks. He wanted to smile affectionately and observe him all day, feel his scent, his warm skin. It was really hard. Mostly when they were at a fansign or at a meeting because he had to keep himself from turning towards the younger every two minutes and appreciate him, his looks, his cuteness, his everything. Luckily, their fans wouldn't really mind, instead they would scream and make up some 2jae fantasies – so he was allowed to stare just a little. Fan service was part of his job anyway. Sometimes he would think about this. Why did their fans like the two of them together anyway? What was so special about their relationship? Did they really seem that close to each other? Did they really look good together? They would scream and fangirl if he dared to touch ever so slighty Youngjae but they would probably freak out if they discovered something like them dating in real life. He didn't want to think about it, though. He rarely thought about the two of them together, he knew that would never happen and he decided that it wasn't good for his heart nor his mind. He didn't want to imagine Youngjae kissing him, caressing his body, he didn't want to think about his friend naked, under him, sweating and moaning. Never in a thousand years Youngjae would return his feelings. He didn't feel the same – and it was better this way. It would make it easier for Jaebum to get over him, knowing that he had no chance at all because Youngjae wasn't into guys and even if he was, he wasn't into his leader. The thing that made him mad the most was that he had never expected himself to fall for a guy. His cold attitude and his rudeness towards the other members had been useless all this time because in the end, he actually fell for one of those guys. Was it a joke? Did the gods want to play a prank on him so badly? Really. Sometimes it felt so ridiculous that he could only laugh at himself. He was so pitiful, trying hard to forget a man he had to face every single day of his life for who knows how many years. And sometimes he would get angry at Youngjae because he was too caring and too touchy and Jaebum didn't need all of that shit, he'd rather have Youngjae not talking to him at all so that things would be easier but no, that idiot of a singer had to be all smiles and cheers and had to get too damn worried whenever Jaebum was feeling down. So he tried to be even more distant, he tried to treat him coldly. He knew that was wrong. Youngjae didn't deserve to be hurt by his harsh words, he didn't deserve to be treated so roughly, it was Jaebum's fault in the first place. He shouldn't have fallen for him, it was his fault. And he had promised himself that he would never be selfish, that he would care about the others' well-being first, and then his own. But everything was getting out of hands and he couldn't help but send the other away, cutting him off from his world. He would speak to him only at work but whenever they got back at the dorm, he would just ignore him. He would try to never stay alone in a room with him: luckily he was now Mark's roommate, so Jaebum didn't have to sleep on the couch anymore to avoid the other's cute morning face. The worst thing was seeing Youngjae's hurt expression whenever Jaebum would ignore him. Because he wasn't stupid, he could see it that his bandmate was hurt by his behaviour but there was nothing he could do about it. Until his feelings disappeared completely, he had to keep some distance between them. But fuck, that was hard. Even when they didn't talk at all, Jaebum could feel his heart go crazy whenever he set his eyes on the younger guy. Jinyoung had told him he was being a selfish asshole. “Youngjae has done nothing wrong and you're hurting him for nothing” - he had said - “You know this won't help you get over it anyway”. And he was right, nothing had changed. Or rather. Nothing had changed in Jaebum. But Youngjae, on the other hand, had become oddly quiet. He wasn't as cheerful as before, he wouldn't smile as much. He was acting weird, he was silent most of the time and he would just go to his room as soon as they got back home, not even bothering about the others sending him questioning looks. All of them had noticed it. Jaebum had always been reserved so when he started being a little more rude and cold, it wasn't really too obvious. They thought he was just a little more stressed lately. But Youngjae had always been bright so seeing him like this was hard not to notice and it was quite shocking. Nobody really knew how to deal with this situation but they all tried to cheer him up. Mark would ask him to have a walk with him and Coco but he would answer that he was too tired. Yugyeom and Bambam would ask him to play some videogames together but he would answer that he had an headache. Jackson and Jinyoung would ask him to watch some crappy movie on the couch but he would answer that he had other things to do. And Jaebum.. he just observed from afar. His heart aching more than it ever did but there was nothing he could do. Was it his fault? Was Youngjae mad because he was avoiding him? Or did something else happen? He wanted to know so badly, he wanted to hug him and comfort him, he hated seeing those sad eyes. He hated it when his lips weren't curled up in a beautiful smile. He missed their conversations, he missed being around him and he felt like a monster because he had been ignoring him for a month now but he thought that he was giving himself too much credit. Youngjae was probably upset about something else, Jaebum wasn't that important for him, why would he be upset over his leader anyway?
Things became pretty clear one night at the JYP building. One of the staff members got engaged and they were throwing a little party for her. Nothing too big, nothing too extra. Just some beers and soju and something to eat. Since it was a pretty well known label, GOT7, Twice, Day 6 and all the other groups couldn't really go celebrate in some pub around the city, so they had stayed inside one of the practice rooms to enjoy themeselves and give their congratulations. Most of the members were weak to alcohol so after a couple of drinks, they were all laughing and smiling at whatever happened. Jaebum had noticed that Youngjae wasn't drinking anything at all. He was quietly standing in a corner, phone in his hands and eyes that scanned around the room, silently. And when their eyes met, Youngjae quickly turned away and looked down, staring at his phone without actually doing anything. Jaebum sighed heavily. Was it really his fault all of this? Was he really the bad guy here? Of course he was, that was nothing he could argue about. But.. he didn't think his acting would have caused so much damage. Youngjae was not his usual self and it felt so wrong. He wanted his sunshine back, he had to put his selfishness aside. Although his heart ached everytime they interacted, although Jaebum wanted much more, he had to pretend that he had no feelings for him. He had to pretend for the group's sake. For Youngjae's sake. Sooner or later, the pain would have disappeared. Right..? Sooner or later he would stop loving his friend and things would go back to being normal. Finally free from people trying to talk to him, Jaebum approached the other one. It was the first time in more than a month that he had made the first step towards him and the other was pretty surprised as well when he looked up only to find him so close.
“Youngjae” he could only whisper. He couldn't even smile, his heart was going crazy and he felt nauseous. Why was all of this happening? Why wouldn't his feelings listen to him? Why wouldn't they go away? “Are you enjoying the party?”
What a stupid question. But he asked anyway, trying to sound relaxed, trying to be normal for once. Youngjae nodded a few times, still avoiding eye contact.
“Doesn't look like it. Is anything wrong?”
“You're.. seriously asking now?” Youngjae let out a laugh. But he wasn't amused, he was just ridicously surprised. After a month of feigning ignorance, Jaebum was actually asking if he was ok?
“I'm fine” he decided to simply answer, adding nothing more. Jaebum shrugged. It hurt. Being treated as a stranger by the person he cared about the most. But then.. he himself had given him the same treatment for so many weeks so he shouldn't complain. He had no right to feel hurt. He had no right to act as if nothing had happened during all that time and pretend that Youngjae would open up to him.
“Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll be going home now. Tell the guys” Jaebum said, without waiting for an answer. He just left the party like that. He couldn't drink much at the company since there were all the staff members and the producers and the CEO too. But at least he could get wasted at the dorm. And that's what he pretty much did as soon as he got home, opening a beer after the other. He had already finished three when the front door opened suddenly. The mixture of soju and beers in his body wasn't really a great experience. He felt dizzy. He was in the drunk stage where he would talk too much even if he didn't want to (and even if it was better for him to shut his mouth to avoid any unpleasant conersation – but hey, he was drunk and he couldn't think straight).
As soon as he heard the front door open, he yelled “kitchen” to let his whereabouts known to whoever had just entered. He expected to see all the guys there, he thought the party had finished or something like that. But he was surprisingly met only by the guy that never left his thoughts.
“Are you drunk?” asked Youngjae, eyebrows furrowed as if he was interrogating him.
“..no” a short pause and Jaebum let out a loud chuckle. “Maybe”.
The vocalist sighed, shaking his head a few times. Oh come on, being drunk wasn't that bad. And he wasn't even in the worst condition, he could easily get up by himself and go to sleep without anyone babysitting him. He didn't need Youngjae to worry over him – he dind't want him to. He hated being seen as vulnerable.
“You need anything?”
“No”.
“Then I'll be going to sleep. Goodnight, hyung. I'm glad you at least tried a little, today”.
Youngjae showed him a small smile and Jaebum's heart jumped. It did something like Mark's martial arts, he was pretty sure because it started beating so fast and it made him even more dizzy. He smiled. And it wasn't a forced smile, it was genuine. It was little and it lasted a few seconds only but it was so beautiful and Jaebum had really missed it.
“Youngjae!” he called when the other was just about to enter his and Mark's room. He glanced back with a questioning look and asked what was up. He went back to the kitchen where Jaebum was sitting, the fourth beer in his left hand. The right one was messing with his own dark hair.
“I need you to sit down and hear me out for a sec”.
Without saying anything, the younger did as he was told to. Eyes scanning the leader in a confused way but he didn't open his mouth. He stood there, waiting for whatever the other had to say. Was it really that important? Couldn't it wait the following day?
“I'm not as drunk as you think I am. You have to believe me. Whatever I'm going to say next, you have to believe me. I'm not joking around”.
“Uhm.. ok? You're scaring me. What is it, Jaebum hyung?”
“I never thought I would say it out loud” the older started, letting out a laugh because of the absurdity of the situation. Was he really going to explain why he had avoided him in the first place? Was he really going to confess now? What if it made everything worse? But there was nothing worse than a non-smiling Youngjae. And if going back to their old selves meant that he would start being bright once again, than Jaebum was ready to admit defeat.
“I know I've been an asshole to you this last month, Youngjae. I know. I've been pretty much ignoring you all this time and you may think I had no reason to do so but.. I--”
“Did I do anything wrong? Hyung, tell me! If I did, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to. I miss you so much and I'm really really sorry!”
How was he supposed to resist those eyes? Youngjae seemed really desperate, it almost looked like he was going to cry but no tears fell down his cheeks. Once again Jaebum realized that he had been so stupid. Was it really necessary for him to act that way just to forget him? It didn't even work, his feelings were still there, stronger than ever.
“No, listen, you.. have done nothing wrong at all. It's all on me, Youngjae. I wanted some time to.. think about stuff. I was confused and had to recollect my thoughts and I needed to do it alone”.
“And.. you're ok now? Did you solve whatever that was?”
“No. Not at all. It was pretty useless”.
“Hyung.. Then what is it? I know I'm not as reliable as Jinyoung hyung but you can talk to me. I can help you, I'll do whatever I can to. Just please, don't exclude me from your life. Never again. I don't know what you had to think about, I don't know what happened but I'm here, Jaebum hyung. I really missed you.. I thought you hated me, I thought I had done something bad, I would never! Really..” Youngjae started rambling and seriously, Jaebum just felt like laughing. The whole situation was incredibly ridiculous. He himself was so pathetic. He didn't want to suffer and for this reason, he had hurt Youngjae. What the hell was wrong with him? He closed his eyes for a few seconds, trying to think of something to say. Trying not to look at Youngjae because the pained expression was obvious and he hated knowing that he had been the one to cause such expression. Confessing would be too much, wouldn't it? But Youngjae kept asking him what was wrong and he was unable to tell other lies. Nothing that made sense would come up to his mind.
“Tell me hyung, what's wrong? What's been bugging you? Or you wanna talk about it tomorrow?I have time--”
“I think I may be in love with you”.
Silence fell in the room and Youngjae's lips shut tightly. Their eyes met and the younger one was as confused as ever. “What did you say?” he asked as if he had heard wrong. But he hadn't. He knew what he had heard, loud and clear. Was Jaebum messing around with him? Was he actually that drunk?
“I'm in love with you”.
Again, the same words kept ringing in Youngjae's ear but he didn't understand them. What did he mean? Like.. in love love? That kind of love? No, that couldn't be possible. Im Jaebum was straight. Im Jaebum had gone out with girls before, Youngjae knew it. Im Jaebum wasn't into clumsy and normal-looking guys. He wasn't into loud and childish guys. He just.. wasn't into him, it couldn't be true. He didn't know how to react, he didn't know what to say, he started to panic. What was he supposed to do? Tell him that it was ok? Was it really ok? Was he supposed to turn him down? Was that a confession? What the hell did he have to do when he didn't feel the same? Because he didn't feel the same, did he? His heart skipped a beat and then it started aching and he didn't even realize he was holding his breath until Jaebum broke the silence once again, trying to explain the situation better. Although there was no need to.
“That's why I've been like this, lately. I thought that keeping some distance would.. you know..”
Youngjae stood still, staring at him, still unable to find anything to say nor to do.
“It.. didn't really work. And I'm sorry. For treating you the way I did and.. for falling for you. You can go to sleep now, you must be tired. It's ok, don't say anything. I.. don't think I'm ready to hear it” and as he said those last few words, he laughed bitterly. His silence could mean only one thing and Jaebum wasn't stupid. He knew Youngjae didn't feel the same way, he just didn't want to hear it. He thought he was ready but he was wrong. Everything hurt even more, the ache in his heart was unbearable but he kept smiling, forcefully, so that his friend wouldn't feel at fault. Because he knew him so damn well and he knew he would have felt bad for indirectly hurting the leader.
“Jaebum hyung.. I'm sorry, I..”
“Really. Go to sleep. I'll be here for a while longer. Just, can you do something for me?” he didn't even wait for the other to answer and took a big sip of his beer. “Can you give me some more time..? I.. think I need some more time before things get back to how they were before. I'm sorry for asking you that, I just--”
“Whatever you need, hyung”.
Ah, that hurt. It was the confirmation he didn't want to hear. It actually meant that Youngjae didn't feel anything for him at all. What was he expecting? It wasn't a fairytale, feelings couldn't magically appear just because he confessed. He had to accept it. Youngjae didn't love nor like him back. He had to give him up, he had to stop thinking about him. It was over. But when he looked up, he met another of those beautiful smiles. Youngjae was smiling at him, softly, sweetly, a veil of sadness in his eyes. Was he pitying him? God, no, he didn't want that. He didn't need to be seen as miserable, he didn't need Youngjae to be so sympathetic. He'd rather have him shout “you disgust me” and never talk to him ever again. But as always, Youngjae proved that he was an actual angel. As always, Jaebum's heart skipped a beat and he let out another bitter chuckle. He fucked up the moment he let Youngjae in and it was his fault, he had to be more careful. Now it was too late to regret it.
“And. can you promise me something else?”
“What is it, hyung?”
“Can you ..smile a bit more? The guys are worried. I know it's my fault, I'm sorry. Now you know what's wrong with me, there's no reason for you to be so quiet around them anymore. You know, they really do miss you.
Besides.. you look beautiful”.
He took a risk, adding the last part. But he knew he would never have another chance to say it so he just let it slip, taking another long sip immediately after. Youngjae froze for a few seconds, visibly embarassed and ears turning slightly red. But then, he smiled once again at those words and Jaebum got another stab in his chest. He wondered when will this stop hurting but in the end, that smile.. it was worth it.
“I promise”.
“Good”.
“Uhm.. good night, then”.
“Yeah, sweet dreams Youngjae”.
And in a second, it was all over. Youngjae reached the room he shared with the oldest of the group and closed it. Never looking back. Jaebum, on the other hand, never got tired of sipping his beer. He opened a few more before finally getting up and finding his room in the dark hallway. Head spinning wildly and feet not really willing to cooperate. He passed out as soon as he touched bed, eyes closed and mind drifting somewhere unfamiliar.
He woke up the following day after noon, light coming through the still opened windows' blinds. It wasn't pleasant at all and he had to bring a hand over his eyes to block it from reaching them. His head hurt like crazy and he felt like vomiting everything he had drank the previous night – but it was hard to get up. It took him almost forty minutes to finally sit up and try to resist the urge of falling back again and rest for at least 20 more hours. He groaned loudly, exiting the room. He was pale, messy, reeked of alcohol and still wore the clothes of the previous day. First thing he did was get to the shower, his mind was still blurred but as soon as the cold water touched his skin, he woke up completely. He would have preferred to remain in that status the whole day but he couldn't help thinking about what had happened with Youngjae. He didn't even know what to think, he didn't even know where to begin with. Youngjae didn't return his feelings but that, he already knew. Why did it hurt so much then? Why did he feel so empty inside now that he had heard it loud and clear? He kept sighing, again and again, even when he got out. Even when he entered the kitchen, where he found the other guys having lunch.
“Good morning, lazy ass”.
They greeted him, as nothing had happened. Well, if Youngjae hadn't talked about it with the others, then they couldn't have known anything. He looked around, trying to meet the younger's eyes but.. he realized he wasn't there. He looked around again, thinking that maybe he was still drunk or sleepy and that he had missed him but nope, Youngjae wasn't there in the kitchen with the other members. Weird, because Youngjae would never skip lunch. He frowned, eyes scanning the other guys who kept on eating like every other day. Only Jinyoung returned that gaze, catching on immediately.
“He went to visit his brother” he said calmly, answering all of the questions the leader didn't even have the time to ask.
“Yeah, he said he's gonna stay there for a while. He had that big fat backpack, Bambam could fit in it” said Yugyeom innocently, laughing at the image he had just proposed. Bambam joined in and soon they turned back on joking around and eating and talking. They couldn't know. Suddenly Jaebum's hunger disappeared and he was just left with emptiness. Did he leave because of him? Because of what he had said? Was it his fault, again?
“Jaebum-ah. Are you okay?” Jinyoung approached him, worried expression and tone. Jaebum tried to give him a little smile – but he failed miserably because Jinyoung clearly understood that no, he wasn't ok at all.
“I just drank too much yesterday”.
Jaebum could feel Youngjae's eyes on him. He could feel them every day, whenever they were practicing or singing or walking around. He could feel them and when he turned around to meet them, Youngjae would wear that soft smile he reserved only to him. And the leader hated it. He hated it because he knew that was a pity smile and he didn't want to be pitied. There was nothing he hated more than that. And it didn't matter how much time passed by, it didn't matter how far they stood. Jaebum's heart never stopped skipping a beat, it never stopped going crazy whenever he met the other guy. His feelings never faded away but he acted as if they did because he was damn tired. They wouldn't talk much, Youngjae knew he needed time and that's why he acted as if everything was ok, as if everything had disappeared. He couldn't bare being away from the other for too long so he decided to tell him that he was finally fine. He wasn't, but he was going to be. Right? Things were going to get better soon, weren't they? And by the way Youngjae looked at him, he knew that the vocalist wanted to talk to him too, he knew that he missed him too. Obviously not in the same way Jaebum missed him but.. he could be content with it. At least he was missed a little.
“So we're ok now?”
“Yeah. Not really sure what it was, probably just a phase but hey, now you can come back” he had told him. Youngjae had nodded a few times but he had never said yes. And he never did come back.
A while, he had said. A while turned into a week. A week turned into two and then three and Youngjae still hadn't come back. They met at work, every day, and they acted as if nothing had happened between them. Youngjae kept his promise, though, and that made Jaebum feel a little bit better. He started smiling more and he went back to talking normally with the guys. Things seemed to get better and better for everyone. Everyone except for Jaebum. The leader wasn't stupid, he knew Youngjae didn't feel the same from the beginning. But Youngjae wasn't stupid either and he probably had understood that the leader was lying to him: they were not ok at all. So Youngjae made it official pretty soon: he fully moved to his brother's house so they would only meet at work, nothing else. And so Jaebum swore. He swore to himself to never let anyone else into his heart again because even the kindest person couldn't return his feelings. But he never regretted it because in the end that smile was worth it and Jaebum would never find another as beautiful as his.